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From Hell's Heart I Shoot at Thee!
Professor: So, does anybody know why the ocean is salty?
Bimbette: Isn't it because of all the whale sperm?
--Oceanography class, Kingsborough Community College, Brooklyn
Overheard by: Anti-Traffic Girl
I Told You He Had Some Kennedy Blood in Him
Little boy in stroller pats a woman on the thigh reaching for a chain hanging from her pocket.
Woman: Oh, no! You don't touch strange women! You don't touch strange women! Otherwise they might touch you back... Oh, aren't you a sweetheart?! [To his parents] Oh, yeah. He knows what he's doing.
--Brooklyn-bound L train
You Show Great Restraint for a New Yorker
Tourist: Why does everyone on this train look so sad? Everybody looks like they're having the worst day. [To girl sitting next to him] Are you having a bad day?
Girl: No.
Tourist: Probably because it's so cold here. Is it always so cold here?
Girl: No. It's really cold for March.
Tourist: It's too cold to go swimming, isn't it?
Girl: Yes.
Tourist: Oh, well. We're headed uptown. What do you think my chances of seeing Woody Allen are?
Girl: Very slim.
--Manhattan-bound 4 train
This Week on The El Word
Blonde #1: I feel like I didn't apply to enough colleges. [Looks at poster of the University of Chicago] Oooh, Chicago. I should go there.
Dude: You won't get in.
Blonde #1, ignoring him: Where is Chicago, anyway? It's a country, right? Ohhh, wait! I'm so stupid. It's a state!
Blonde #2: Duh.
--College office, High School of Telecommunication Arts and Technology, Brooklyn
Overheard by: ...If I didn't get in, she shouldn't even be applying
Just Colors, Though, at Least for Now
Girl #1: So, are you and Evan still hooking up?
Girl #2: Oh, yeah. Yeah, we are. But, I mean, I don't know how I really feel. It's starting to get really serious! Like, right now we're doing laundry together.
--Fordham University
Overheard by: Sromeo
The Surgeon General Has a Suggestion
Drunk chick crying and vomiting: This wouldn't be so bad if I wasn't sure I was pregnant.
Friend, dismissively: Well, what are you gonna do?
--ACE Bar bathroom, LES
If You Can't Help Laughing, Just Pretend to Cough
Young boy witnessing bus crashing into car: That's funny for us but not funny for them, right Mommy?
Mom: Yup, that's right!
--Outside Hammerstein Ballroom
Overheard by: Mr. Jiggy
What? Dead? He Didn't Deserve That!
Friendly young clerk: It's terrible news about Vonnegut, isn't it?
Old woman: I think he deserved to be fired! He shouldn't be saying that racist stuff on the radio!
--Thrift Shop, 23rd & 3rd
Witness Protection Rule #198: When Asked about Your Past, Act Stoned
Boss calling out from office: Eric*, what's your city of birth?
Employee #1: Oh, I don't know. I put down a variety of places.
Employee #2: You don't know your city of birth?
Employee #1: Well, it's either the town or the city it's near... The place... It's like an umbrella.
Employee #2: Oh.
--Hedge fund office, 57th & 5th
Overheard by: the silent temp
A Gentleman Never Spells and Tells
Big, sleazy blonde: Are you fucking kidding me! You've never had sex?
Mormon guy: No, I promised myself I would save that for marriage.
Big, sleazy blonde: Oh my fucking goodness. What is this, an audition for the 40-year-old virgin movie?
Mormon guy: Haha, well, I'm not 40 yet.
Big, sleazy blonde: So, what do all you Mormons do when you date?
Mormon guy: Oh, you know -- hold hands, talk, long walks on the beach, Scrabble...
Big, sleazy blonde: So, for you Mormons Scrabble is like sex, then?
--Metro North
Overheard by: trying my best not to laugh
I've Subpoenaed His Travel Records
Teacher: And then Jesus went to Bethlehem...
Student: Miss, how do we know you're not just making this all up?
--Primary school
Well, What Have You Got That's Motorboatable?
Chick: Oh my god, Ali. You totally motorboated me at the bar last night!
Ali: And then you showed your tits to everyone, you whore.
Chick: Yeah, but I got a free shot.
Ali: And I do enjoy seeing your tits...
Ali's boyfriend: Is it weird that you like her tits more than me?
--Metro North out of Fordham
Still Think Castration Anxiety Is Freudian Nonsense?
Boy looking at giant sculpture of newborn baby, frantic: Where's the penis? Where's the penis?! Where's the penis?!
Younger sister, calmly: It's a girl baby.
--Mueck exhibit, Brooklyn Museum
Overheard by: office peon waited for the Leibovitz
Really, What Else Is There to Be Sad About?
Hipster girl #1: Can you be emo with a big dick?
Hipster girl #2: No, I don't think so. I'm pretty sure it has to be small for you to be emo.
Hipster girl #1: Sir! Excuse me, sir! Can I ask you a question? Can you be emo with a big dick or a small dick?
Passerby: Probably small.
Hipster girl #2: See?! I told you.
--Prince & Mercer
Overheard by: I guess I can't be emo
Here We Pretend Stupidity Does Not Exist
Security guard: Ma'am, you can't use your cell phone in here.
Frumpy mom: What? I can't? In the whole library? Why can't you use your cell phone in the library?
--Library, 23rd St
Overheard by: Liberry Lady
"The Thick-Headed League"
Bimbette #1: There's this castle on the West coast... I think it belongs to the guy who wrote Sherlock Holmes.
Bimbette #2: Yeah, he seems like a West coast kind of guy.
--Train from Poughkeepsie to Manhattan
She Started Out As Monet's "Woman with Parasol"
Little boy staring at photo of upside-down, topless stripper: Daddy, what is she doing?
Visibly uncomfortable father: Uh... she's exercising.
Little boy: But why is she naked? Is it because she got hot?
Father: Uh... yes. Let's go find those Monets.
--MoMA
Overheard by: Alejandra
Well, Technically They Weren't to Me
Bimbette on cell: He cheated on me! Yes, he did! He cheated on me and then I gave him another chance and he cheated on me again. And then I gave him another chance and he cheated on me again... Well, I gave him another chance because he would write me these nice love letters...
--12th & Broadway
FTC to Weigh in on K-Y / Land O'Lakes Merger
Customer: Can I see the smallest thing of K-Y you have?
Clerk: You should just use butter. It's better and it's cheaper.
--Drug store, 8th Ave, Chelsea
Overheard by: Mike M
That's Good Luck in Some Cultures
Dude: On the full moon he's going to sprout Lee Press On nails!
Chick: I can't believe he got bit by a tranny...
--Union Square
He Didn't Get His Million Dollars' Worth
Loud girl #1: I want an iPod.
Loud girl #2: I think iPods are completely overrated; iPods, Uggs, and nose rings...
Man: Girls, you're forgetting space tourism, you fucking idiots.
--G train
And Some Gum
Distraught girlfriend: Excuse me, do you have an inhaler? My boyfriend is having a severe asthma attack!
Teen chick passerby: Oh my god! Here, take my breath spray!
--Central Park
Tonight on Sexual Tension Theater
Chick #1: I'm telling you, he's gay! He wouldn't even make out with me when I, like, threw myself at him!
Chick #2: You needed to see yourself, though. You looked like a mess.
Chick #1: Fuck you, cunt.
Chick #2: I love you.
Chick #1: I tell ya, if anyone ever hung around us they'd commit us both!
Chick #2: Or just you.
Chick #1: I don't want to be friends anymore.
--Houston & 2nd Ave
And You'd Better Throw in a Coke, to Make It Fair
Mom: What are those?
Daughter: Sour Patch Kids.
Mom: Can I have one?
Daughter: No.
Mom: Why not?
Daughter: I paid for them.
Mom: And I gave you life. Now give me one.
--Near NYU
Overheard by: Nicole
Enjoying a Game of Times Square Pachinko
20-ish guy, after bumping into lady: Oh, I'm sorry.
Lady: That's okay. I'm a tourist.
--Times Square
Overheard by: nina
Like What Brand of Computer Condoms to Buy
Guy #1: I don't know... Which bag should I get?
Girl employee: Well, you should get a laptop cover and a padded bag.
Guy #2: Excuse me, that's not necessary.
Girl employee: Well, that way it keeps your computer safer.
Guy #2: But it would be like wearing two condoms at the same time.
Girl employee: True.
Guy #1: Thanks. To both of you. I have a lot to think about.
--Apple Store, Soho
Meeting Minutes from the Matthew Broderick Slander Club
Woman #1: He divorced his second wife while she was undergoing cancer treatment. Who does that?
Woman #2: The same kind of man that marries Sarah Jessica Parker.
--Metro North, Grand Central
Our Sweet, Sweet Compensation for Centuries of Oppression
Black chick: Yo, you shoulda talked to that nigga at church.
Friend: You ain't supposed to say 'nigga' -- it's African-American month.
--Q train, Prospect Park stop
Overheard by: Jude
And That's How I Got into Yale
Guy, excitedly: ... And so he says to me, 'Hey, nice cock.'
Friend: Dude! No way! So, what did you say then?!
Guy: What else could I say? I said, 'Hey... Thanks.'
--5th & 2nd
Overheard by: Matty K
Not Even the Worst Date He's Had This Week
Annoying girl on first date: Now, I don't wear a lot of jewelry, so my engagement ring will really have to be spectacular.
Dazed guy: [Silence.]
Annoying girl: And I've decided that I've got to have a destination wedding.
--Seafood restaurant, 77th & 3rd
Long Story Short, That's the YouTube Video I Emailed You About
Dental student: I was working on this girl's teeth, and she just... started moving around all weird.
Student's mother: Yeah? Did you prick her or something?
Dental student: No, she was just... um... masturbating. I didn't know what to do so I just waited for her to finish and went to get more supplies. What else was I supposed to do?
--Restaurant, Times Square
Overheard by: Well, what would you do?
Some Greek Guy Watched Every Episode of M*A*S*H without Stopping and Died
Little boy in stroller: What's a marathon?
Mom: It's like one show after another.
--W 4th & Sullivan
Overheard by: Leslie G.
Next Time She'll Use a Truck Bomb
Guy #1: ... And then she tried to shank me in the back, and that's when I had to slap a ho.
Guy #2: Damn, I feel some percolatin' goin' on.
--Tribeca
Just Call Me Whore-ence Nightingale
Chick to distraught girl in bathroom stall: Hey, yo, girl -- I fucked the bouncer, so I could get you some water if you need it.
--Off the Wagon, MacDougal St
Headline by: Hellespont
Runners-Up:
· "I also fucked your boyfriend, maybe I could talk him into taking you back" - Rudeboy
· "If you need a sandwich i'm gonna need a condom" - Chris
· "Mother Teresa; The Early Years" - rose
· "Skanks Develop New Currency in Response to Global Warming" - ilemanzer
· "So That's Why They Call it Tap Water" - Jeff St Real
Click here to see the new Headline Contest
Sure, on Work Release
Old lady employee: His boss hired a lawyer for him.
Young lady employee: Oh, so he's still working?
Old lady employee: What?
Young lady employee: Are you telling me he works during the day and then he goes back to jail at night?
Old lady employee: Girl, are you sure you went to college?
--Office, 5th Ave
Because Sharper Image Has a Really Cool Hands-Free Device for That
Suit #1: What hour do you get into the office?
Suit #2: I arrive around seven and leave at six-thirty.
Suit #1: So, you work twelve-hour days? Do you ever sit at your desk and just fondle your balls?
--Italian restaurant, UES
Would You Like to Come Over?
Black belt girl: My father is a doctor.
Green belt boy: Wow! My dad is an ex-doctor!
Black belt girl: Ex?
Green belt boy: Yeah, he used to practice medicine. Now he just practices substance abuse.
--Martial arts school, Bronx
Overheard by: Oh, I practice that, too
Everybody Loves Wednesday One-Liners
Teacher: Class, let's get a show of hands -- how many of you aren't loved by your parents? C'mon, someone must be lying here.
--LaGuardia High
Overheard by: mf
Man: This yogurt's great. My cat loves it -- makes him poop like a reindeer.
--Grocery store, 45th & Ditmars
Overheard by: Bob Going
Professor: I love mass law breaking. We should break social contract and go on a class trip to a bar so that I can get my dumb ass fired.
--NYU Silver Center
Lady on cell: He only backs out because he loves you.
--34th & Broadway
Hobo to bag lady: I love ya. Of course I love ya. You want me to fuck ya? I'll fuck ya right now.
--30th & 7th
Aussie babe watching crying model dressed as a man on Top Model: I love it when they're upset and dressed up in funny costumes!
--Berry & N 1st, Williamsburg
Girl: I'm not mean! I love everyone. I don't like everyone... It's a Christian thing.
--Palladium dorm, NYU
The State of Wednesday One-Liners
Crackhead: What's your favorite state? Mine is Seattle.
--95th & 2nd
Guy on cell: ... Got fisted from another state.
--7th Ave, between 56th & 57th St
Tourist chick: I'm in Pennsylvania?! What the hell?!
--1 train, Penn Station
Bald dude on cell: Yeah, I'm in Vermont with Bill and Mary*! It's beautiful! I know, it's amazing -- I'm getting service right on the lake.
--Burger King, Graham & Skillman
Port Authority officer: It's not easy being a dual-state crime fighter like me.
--Exchange Place PATH station
Overheard by: Marisol
Dude: I went to only one strip club in New York. It was the one in Jersey.
--27th & 10th
Wednesday One-Liners for the Haters
Hispanic lady to female friend: I coulda had kids! I coulda had a husband! I coulda had a house of my own! But you know what? You made me hate men!
--Delancey & Essex
Suit: If you are a drug dealer, be the drug dealer. That's why I hate New York. In LA at least the drug dealers show up when you call them.
--Library Bar, Ave A
Overheard by: ljw
Little kid: Ughhh! I hate this universe!
--Neptune Diner, Astoria, Queens
Overheard by: Matthias Sundberg
Chick: He was going back to Germany and he felt like it was destiny that we met. I told him, 'I met you once, and I hate Frank Sinatra.'
--Trash Bar, Brooklyn
Overheard by: katez
Chick: Don't you just hate it when people eavesdrop on your conversation?
--O'Neals' Restaurant, Lincoln Center
Overheard by: Tess
Wednesday One-Liners Are Feeling Prickly
Girl: I shaved everything off down there, and I've never felt so accessible!
--A train
Blonde on cell: What's aftershave? Is that the thing you put on after you shave?
--The Body Shop, 8th & Broadway
Overheard by: Jack Rittymanee
Woman on cell: Yeah, all you do is wear cheap panties and don't shave.
--Garfield & 7th Ave, Park Slope
Greasy man: Fuck, I have to go shave my balls now!
--23rd & 5th
NYU student to girlfriend: You know, it's kind of like when you shave your butt.
--F train, between York St & E Broadway
Overheard by: j. asner
Ghetto lady to guy: I never shave my legs unless I'm tryin' to make a statement or somethin'. I mean, that's some serious shit.
--Broadway & LaSalle
Overheard by: nekko-chan
Punk rocker with crazy pink hair: And, I mean, she was good-looking and all, but I was like, 'What the hell do you think I want a bunch of pictures of girls shaving their pussies for?! I don't want that shit!'
--JMZ train, Myrtle stop
Overheard by: Don't forward them to me!
The Forced Intimacy of Wednesday One-Liners
Laughing teen pointing at stranger: My dick all up in this lady's ass!
--Crowded 3 train, near 96th St
Overheard by: Rich Mintz
Conductor: This train is overcrowded due to an earlier incident. Please stand all the way in and clear the doors. If you don't clear the doors, this train will not move. [At the next stop] This train is overcrowded. Please-- Oh, fuck it [doors close].
--Crowded C train
Overheard by: Beth
Man: Damn, it be lookin' like the welfare line up in here!
--Crowded L train platform, 6th Ave
Conductor: I know it's crowded, people, but use some common sense! Please don't hold the doors open with your head!
--1 train
Overheard by: Vicksburg
Hispanic bus driver on loudspeaker: Get in here. On my bus you're all Mexican! Move it, people!
--Crowded Q66 bus
Overheard by: Empty Refrigerator
Conductor: People, this train is very crowded, so please -- when the doors are closing I want you all to inhale.
--Crowded N train
Mom to baby in oversized pram: We're never gonna get out of here, we're never gonna get out of here, we're never gonna get out of here...
--Crowded A train
Overheard by: Duncan Pflaster
Summer-Weight Wednesday One-Liners
Suit: They should just go ahead and make January a month already. Officially, I mean.
--49th & 5th
Overheard by: Jeremy Tortora
Suit on cell: I think the picture for the cover of the annual report should be me and you bent over a table, and John Smith* standing behind us, gloating.
--68th & Broadway
Suit on cell: He's not hallucinating. He's just realized that he's allergic to polyester.
--125th St Metro North platform
Overheard by: Thatsoundsaboutright
Suit on cell: Yeah, he accidentally put his thumb through a two hundred million dollar...
--W 12th & Greenwich Ave
Overheard by: Wang
Suit on cell: No, listen to me! You cannot call that 'fluff.' You call that 'fluff,' both you and me will go to jail.
--Port Authority
Overheard by: Erin
Tall, lanky white suit: And he was all, 'Jibba-jabba, jibba-jabba, jibba-jabba...' Ya know?
--Starbucks, Beaver St
Overheard by: Sarah Booz
Suit in rain, splashed by crazy, honking cabbie: Whoa! Fucking lunatic! ... Well, at least now you can't tell I just fucking pissed myself! Asshole!
--67th & Columbus
Overheard by: morgan
Wednesday One-Liners for Dennis Franz
Cop to old lady with walker: Excuse me, miss, do you have a license and insurance for that thing?
--57th St
Overheard by: jesse
Black teen to fellow commuter: So, I get off the train and I find this cop. He says to me, 'Do I know you?' 'No, man.' Then he asks, 'Haven't I arrested you before?' And I say, 'Nigga, please! No!'
--E train near W 4th St
Mounted police officer holding a pay phone and sobbing: Please, Mom, I'll do anything!
--8th & 5th
Overheard by: jewish girl
Professor, about police sirens blaring outside: They're playing our song.
--Columbia University
Large black lady hissing about a police dog sniffing and following black guy: That dog be racial profilin'! He's a racist! That cop dog's a racist!
--Subway station, Times Square
Chick to cop writing ticket, standing next to the naked cowboy: Can you give him a ticket for having a bubble butt?
--Times Square
Overheard by: knipc
A Cappella Wednesday One-Liners
Hippy hobo: Hey, let's start a sing along! I got the shaker, man. [Sings] Row, row, row your train, gently down the tube...
--1 train
Conductor: Next stop, Broadway. Transfer to the [sings] A-B-C-D-E-F... V.
--Brooklyn-bound D
Overheard by: Anthony
Guy singing: You're going to die soon! You're going to die soon!
--4th & Mercer
Barista singing while taking out the trash: This shit is the garbage! G-A-R-B-A-G-E!
--Starbucks, 8th & University
Overheard by: susan
Singing hobo: Y'all, gimme five dollars so I can get hi-- I mean, home. High, home, high, home.
--4 train
Tweaker man weaving and singing: My urethra is burning from an STD. My urethra is burning from an STD. My urethra is fuckin' burning from an STD.
--38th & 8th
Overheard by: Matt
Boy selling stuff on the train and rapping: Please don't hate on my situation -- gotta take the money from the Caucasian.
--R train
Overheard by: Jenny