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Anybody Can Be Happy to See a Good Kid
Mom: Grandma was happy to see you. Why did you have to go and kick her legs?
Little boy, shrugging: Sawww-eee.
--45th & Lex
And That's How I Got the Idea for My Animal Proctology Practice
Man with kid: So, that day I was holding my dog and walking down the stairs when all of a sudden I just fell... And guess what?! My dog landed flat on my face! His ass was on my face! His ass!
Friend: Ummm...
--Springfield, Queens
You're Both Watching The Da Vinci Code
Girl #1: Don't you think it's crazy how the Bible was written in English?
Girl #2: I'm pretty sure it was written in Latin first...
Girl #1: I'm an idiot.
--Da Vinci Code showing, AMC Empire 25 theater
Overheard by: Jenn
Her Research Clearly Lacked a Control Group
Chick: Are you chewing gum?
Dude: Yeah...
Chick: Take that out of your mouth. I hear that you get cancer by chewing gum while smoking.
--W 4th St
There Should Be Just One Word Per Meaning
Bimbette: Why does that van say in-valid transportation? Why isn't it valid?
Friend: That's not 'in-valid'; it's invalid. They transport invalids. You know, the handicapped.
Bimbette: Well, why don't they say so?
--Bus, Flatbush Ave, Brooklyn
Overheard by: Big Larry
This Guy Is the First Stop on the Tour
Tour bus driver to pedestrian: Take the great New York tour!
Man: Why the fuck would I pay to see the rats and piss I can see for free? Fuck you!
--Outside Plaza Hotel, Central Park South
Just before They Punch Me
Girl: You have to try this pasta I bought. It's the best dry pasta you've ever tasted.
Boy: Best? I'll try it, but I should warn you -- I'm Italian.
Girl: Ugh, Italian people are always saying that!
--Elevator, NYU, Water St
Overheard by: Abram
I Hate It 'cause It's Dirty, but I Love It 'cause It's Home
Chick: This block is kinda difficult to walk.
Dude: I know. Watch out for the syringes, condoms, and shit.
--Lawton St & Bushwick Ave
Overheard by: Dodging the excrements of various objects
Or I'll Be Forced to Learn Something
Dude: So I just wrote, 'John Locke was a great guy.'
Chick: That's all you wrote? How many points did you get?
Dude: He gave me eight out of ten! He must have felt sorry for me.
Chick: Wow. I hope the professors at my school are that easy.
--Fordham University, Lincoln Center
Overheard by: writing these two out of the social contract
"My Coke Dealer Says" Wouldn't Have Had the Same Ring
Loud lady: Would you like a tissue? [Guy on phone snivels loudly, shakes head. Lady waves tissue at him.] Excuse me, here's a tissue.
Guy, covering phone: No, thanks.
Loud lady: Please take the tissue. I hate that noise you're making. It's disgusting.
Guy, into phone: Nobody. I'm waiting for the train to move and some woman wants me to blow my nose.
Loud lady: It's making me sick to look at you. You should be ashamed of yourself. Take the tissue!
Guy, to loud lady: My mom says you're a rude bitch who should shut the fuck up and go to the next car if you don't like it! [Lady storms off.]
--N train, Ditmars station, Astoria
Overheard by: A Mother Says What?
Better Than That Place Where the Comedians Beat You Up and Rob You
Comedy club promoter: Hey, you guys want free beers and some laughs?
Teen tourists' chaperone: They're underage.
Comedy club promoter: How about free sodas and a few giggles?
--Outside Hilton Theatre
Overheard by: Amused Teenage Tourist
And You Once Told Me Forrest Gump Deserved Best Picture
Guy: These shoes are so comfortable I can walk in them!
Girl: That could quite possibly be the dumbest shit you have ever said.
--Neptune Ave & Ocean Pkwy
Overheard by: i am that guy
Bigots: We Try and We Try, but They Just Don't Listen
Guy #1: ... Wop.
Girl: You know, 'wop' means 'Polish.'
Guy #2: No, it doesn't. It means 'White Anglo-Saxon Protestant.'
--Elevator, 630 3rd Ave
Overheard by: Ann
Sign: We Reserve the Right to Refuse Service to Zombies
Waiter: Why don't they just make commercial flamethrowers?
Maître d': I dunno, but how else are you supposed to kill zombies?
--Cascata Café, Bleecker
Then We'll Buy Another Balloon and Pop That
Mother to crying girl: You stop that or I'll pop your balloon.
Father: Yeah, we'll pop your balloon.
--1 train, 116th St
Overheard by: EK
Do You Know Why None of Your Stories Go Anywhere?
Little boy: Now?
Grandma: No! Now? Now? You sound like Taco, my old cat. Now? Now? He had a funny way of meowing.
Little boy: He looked like a taco that you eat?
Grandma: No. I don't know why they called him Taco.
--Myrtle & Washington
Overheard by: Kevin Michael Lee
That 's Up to You, Sir
Cranky old guy looking at belts: Is this real fucking leather?!
Pakistani vendor: Yes, sir. It is real fucking leather.
Ethnically ambiguous 20-ish male: Are these real fucking hats?
--St. Mark's Pl, between 3rd & 2nd
Overheard by: MC Sluttner
A Little Someone I Picked Up in the Museum Gift Shop
Processed 60-ish brunette: I'm seeing Arthur again.
Processed 60-ish blonde: Arthur from upstate?
Processed 60-ish brunette: No, Arthur from the Holocaust.
--Le Pain Quotidien, 17th & 7th
Overheard by: Nancy Weber
At Least, That's My Master's Thesis
Preppy girl #1: What's the difference between men's shaving cream and women's shaving cream?
Preppy girl #2: Um... I think it's a different chemical reaction or something.
--CVS, Willets Pt & Francis Lewis Blvd, Queens
Overheard by: Jackie R.
Plain Living and High Thinking, That's for Me
Girl #1: When I get rich I'm going to spend all of my money on art.
Girl #2: Me, too.
Girl #1: And wine. But really cheap wine, so I have more money to spend on art.
Girl #2: Well, it's not like you drink anything but wine from a box now. You'll be fine.
--Galeria Ramis Barquet, Chelsea
Why the US Celebrates Mother's Day
Mother: Oh my god, close the goddamn window! Close it!
Kid: No! I'm hot!
Mother: I swear. Oh my god, close the window!
Kid: Nooo!
Mother, moving to adjacent seat: You know what? You [points to laughing stranger] -- she's your new mommy. Listen to her.
New mommy: Boy, close that window. Oh my god, close that window!
--M60 bus to LaGuardia
Overheard by: Kevo
Keds? Really?
Girl: Fall Out Boy would fuck me for my shoes.
Friend: Yo, I would fuck you for your shoes.
Cashier: Lemme see your shoes? [Nods] I'd fuck you for your shoes.
--Chinatown
Overheard by: Myshoes
And It Looks Remarkably Like Century 21
Conductor: World Trade Center-bound E train. Next stop -- Seventh Avenue.
Teen #1: We have to get off.
Teen #2: Huh... They built the World Trade Center again! Whoa.
--E train
It Tingled
Rider #1: America's a great country, but people don't want to defend her. They don't want to go to the front lines and get their brains blown out.
Rider #2: Been there; done that.
--D train
But Instead I Just Tape It and Send It to Jason
Roommate #1: Were you dreaming about Jason last night? You were moaning so loud it woke me up.
Roommate #2: Oh my god, I was? Have I ever done that before?
Roommate #1: All the time. Every once in a while I think about kicking you or something to see if you cum.
--NYU
Why They Don't Run FEMA Anymore
Bimbette #1: Wait, but, like... What state is Louisiana in, again?
Bimbette #2: I don't know. Like, Arkansas?
--56th & Madison
Overheard by: trooshieb
I Raised Three Generations There
Chick: I love the L train. On the Q they always wake you up at the end of the line.
Man: Oh, I know! The L train changed my life!
--14th & Broadway
Overheard by: michael nesline
Might Be Time to Retire That Commercial
Man #1: Hey, are you gellin' like Magellan, ya cocksuckin' bastard?
Man #2: I'm so gellin', I fuckin' raped Magellan in 1492 when Columbus sailed the ocean blue, before World War Two in 1942.
--Outside Madame Tussaud's, 42nd St
Overheard by: These guys are so not gellin'
Of Course, If He'd Said That about Clue I'd Have to Club Him
Theater fan: What would you say about a person who saw The Rocky Horror Picture Show only once and didn't feel any need to see it again?
Tim Curry: I'd say that was a person who was in full possession of their senses.
--Actor's Fund event, 52nd & Broadway
Overheard by: Big Larry
And You're Not Exactly a Catch
NYU girl: When you meet a straight guy can you please introduce him to me?
NYU queer: There's, like, a waiting list for them.
--Rubin residence hall, NYU
I'm Too Busy to Worry about It
Teen #1: Alright, how about Christian Bale-John Preston, or Christian Bale the Batman?
Teen #2: Definitely the Batman.
Teen #1: Yeah, but it's John Preston.
Teen #2: Look, Bruce Wayne would kick John Preston's ass, Grammaton Cleric or no.
Teen #1: You know we're gonna be single forever, right?
--NYU
Overheard by: Trevor Reznik all the way
Tall Guy, Blue Jacket with Red and White Striped Trousers...?
Black guy: Yo, you gotta know Uncle Sam, man. I mean, you pay your taxes, right?
Indian clerk: No, I'm sorry. I don't know what you're talking about.
--Deli, 14th & 3rd
Overheard by: hoch
Faith Means Waiting for Gods Who Never Come
Professor: C'mon, people, we've all done it. It's called a hand job. The priestess gave the statue a hand job every morning to keep the world going.
Student: Um, how did she know when the statue finished?
Professor: Well... I guess... when the sun came up.
--Religion and Love class, Hunter College
Overheard by: LH
And He Was Searching for a Tiny White Whale
20-ish girl #1: Wait, so the midget had a peg leg?
20-ish girl #2, annoyed: No. The midget was the peg leg!
--Chelsea
Overheard by: Gretchen
Headline by: Ignatius Gerumpany
Runners-Up:
· "And He Had a Pygmy for an Eye Patch" - Jordan
· "Jerry Springer will never run out of material..." - alex
· "Pinocchio's Tragic End" - Tristan Davis
· "The rigor mortis kept him nice and stable." - internev
· "Transformers Porn Is Too Confusing" - Jenny C
Click here to see the new Headline Contest
I Will Miss Your Company on My Downward Spiral
Hot blonde: ... So that fucking asshat actually cried and said, 'Is this because you have morals and I don't?' And I was like, 'Yes, you fucking asshat. I'm dumping you because you have no morals and you cheated on me with femdoms!'
--Central Park
When Marketing Metastasizes
Dad: What are you doing up there?
Six-year-old boy in front of large sign, waving frantically: I'm helping them advertise!
--Outside Redeye Grill
Overheard by: Target Audience
Topless Is So Pre-Menopause
Woman: That's a nice shirt!
Friend: Thanks! I never wear shirts -- I think I'll start wearing them more often!
--Restaurant, Gramercy
Wednesday One-Liners Cuff the Carrot
Girl: I have to announce when I'm scratching my mons, because I don't want people to think I'm just standing on the street all sketchily masturbating in public.
--M86 bus
Freshman: You should just go into a different room, masturbate, and then come back!
--Fordham University, Rose Hill
Overheard by: Rachel Hoban
Dude: It's so hot out! I mean, if it was cold I'd jerk off to warm up.
--Stuyvesant Town
Overheard by: Maia
Man on cell: So, you faked six orgasms?! And you weren't even masturbating?
--Outside Big Jimmy's, 77th & 2nd
Overheard by: (a very confused) bronxelf
Hipster on cell: Do you know how boring life would be if you didn't have to think at all? If you just sat around all day jerking off? God, I showed you what that was like.
--Washington Square Park
Overheard by: Different strokes
Pretty girl: Well, I'm probably prettier than any girl you've ever talked to in a club! [Other riders clap.] Have fun with your hand tonight!
--1 train
Overheard by: Bri
Wednesday One-Liners Lack Human Companionship
Large black man to tiny dog with hacking cough: I told you three times already: Calm yo'self!
--Cunningham Park, Queens
Overheard by: HelloClairice
Woman to dog: You're not paying attention, now are you?
--83rd & Broadway
Woman to her two dogs: Sit down... And don't steal anything.
--Pet store, Park Slope
Overheard by: Russ Wall
Woman to dog barking at passerby: No, that's not appropriate.
--70th & Amsterdam
Man to dog: J-Lo, come here!
--Union Square Dog Run
Overheard by: Buns
Little boy holding a Dachshund: Too many weenies! Too many weenies, Mister Weenie!
--Daschund Day, Washington Square Park
Overheard by: rpk
Toothless man on bike to Shih Tzu: You gotta watch out! Have some human food. Eat at a Chinese restaurant. You a classy dog!
--10th & 6th
Overheard by: CarrieBoo
Wednesday One-Liners Realize It's Nothing Like Sex and the City
British tourist, after Avenue Q: Well, that was different than Mary Poppins!
--Golden Theater, W 45th St
Overheard by: Knew Exactly What I Was Getting Into
Tourist: What day do they film Saturday Night Live?
--Times Square
Overheard by: Candy
Tourist chick pointing at Chrysler Building: Look, y'all -- the Eiffel Tower!
--Top of Empire State Building
Tourist mom with three kids: Look! Applebees!
--Times Square
Gleeful tourist: I see Wendy's!
--Bond & Broadway
Teen tourist: So, what is Long Island? Is it not a state? I don't get it!
--LIRR
Overheard by: jangbang
Tourist teen spotting Che Guevara shirt at vendor: Oh my god! Isn't that Tom Cruise in Top Gun?
--Canal St
Overheard by: the asian princess
Grey's Wednesday One-Liners
Chick: We don't know what's in her head... or her throat.
--Starbucks
Overheard by: The Crazy Fairy Princess
Girl: Is that your thumb I'm feeling? Dude, that's your thumb? What is that? Are you lying to me?
--South St Seaport
Overheard by: Collegiate Cutie
French woman: That's not his butthole, it's his mouth.
--Broom & Grand St
Overheard by: Kevin
Girl: Oh, so I just found out my nipples come up to my boyfriend's bellybutton.
--9th & 3rd
Chick: Why'd you chop off both stomachs?
--69th and Amsterdam
Man on cell: Well, when you put your arm all the way in, is it slippery?
--Local 138, Ludlow St, between Rivington & Delancey
Overheard by: ashley
Hipster: When I was little and went to Sunday school my teacher told us we all have a little piece of God inside of us, and I thought, I hope I have his thumb.
--4th & Bowery
Wednesday One-Liners Go through the Out Door
Old woman drinking tea: It wasn't butt sex -- he just wanted the remote.
--440 Studios
Overheard by: Jaclyn
Guy on cell: Oh my god, you are so interesting. Someday our bodies will connect like God intended -- in anal poundage.
--Soho
Overheard by: Shea
Woman on cell: So, wait -- do we have to, like, hire someone to stand behind him and force it in?
--28th & 8th
Angry black lady to bartender: Excuse me! I asked for Sex on the Beach, and you gave me Butt-Fuck on the Pond!
--Gotham Bar & Grill
Hobo to cute chick: I like it in the tuckus!
--47th & 5th
Overheard by: Casey F.
Chick on cell: I'm just one of those people that needs to have lots of anal sex.
--Barnes and Noble, 17th St
Overheard by: didn't need to know that
Queer to friend: And yeah, I have typhoid! So I guess I can't sodomize anybody...
--8th & Broadway
Overheard by: dude, you have typhoid?
Night of the Living Wednesday One-Liners
Prada-clad German professor: It is not chic to be dead, ja?
--NYU
Woman: Okay, I'll see you later! Tell your wife I hope she finds the body!
--84th & 1st
Overheard by: Omar
WASP lady: Alan has been so much better since Maggie's murder.
--Village-bound cab, 9th Ave
Overheard by: Tang
Woman: I don't do death well.
--Chelsea
Dude: What does a ham sandwich have to do with the death of Christ?!
--Bleecker & Bowery
Women on cell: No, they only have male cadavers... Yeah, it is a bummer.
--Union St, Park Slope
Overheard by: Mitchell
NYU girl: It was amazing, and I also saw a dead guy on the street this morning. I saw Oprah and a dead guy all in one day!
--Starbucks, W 4th St
Wednesday One-Liners Celebrate V-J-J Day
Girl to male friend: I mean, they were both lousy lovers, but when it came right down to it her vagina was just too wide.
--110th & Broadway
Ghetto teen: Yo, girl! Don't be pickin' at yo' pussy like that in the street! You'll be on YouTube tomorrow!
--South St Seaport
Overheard by: Big Larry
JAP: I don't understand how a baby just fell out of her vagina and she didn't feel anything!
--Outside Lafayette St dorm, NYU
Overheard by: Philouza
Girl on cell: I fully support the idea of a vagina factory.
--7th St & Bedford Ave
Overheard by: Liam Cubbin
Bimbette: Tiff, do these make my vagina look furry?
--Dressing room, Macy's
Overheard by: SarahM
Chick: My vagina seems so crooked today...
--23rd & 5th
Overheard by: Bruce
Girl on cell: No! He was seriously, like, drilling for oil or something. My vagina is not a source of fossil fuel!
--Central Park
Overheard by: But it'd be cool if it were
Wednesday One-Liners Sit around the House
Teen: When I was young and fat I used to dream about scooping out my fat with a teaspoon. I was a deeply disturbed child.
--C train
Hobo: I had a wife! She was 389 pounds and had three stomachs. Now, I know a man never runs from his wife, but after a night with her -- call me what you want -- but I ran.
--C train
Little girl: All ugly and fat people should be banned from the train.
--4 train
Hipster: Have you ever seen a fat girl in spandex on weed?
--Union Square
Chubby teen chick: Bacon and soda, that's my fucking bread and butter!
--14th & 1st
Overheard by: Bread and butter, that's my fucking bread and butter
Fat lady eating pizza: Well, you know, I figured this was just as good as a salad...
--JFK
Overheard by: Wondering
Wednesday One-Liners, Ph.D.
Professor: So, I realized I like everyone in the class, and I need to be indifferent about at least one person. So I'm going to pick someone at random. [Points at seating chart] Alicia. Oh, she's not here. [She comes in late.] Oh, Alicia's here. See if I care.
--NYU Law
Overheard by: Leslie G.
Professor: ... And all of this relates to Freud's concept of the super Eggo.
--St. John's University
Overheard by: had some for breakfast