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Hard to Do When the "Evidence" Is Dripping Down Your Leg.
Teen girl: So, what did we learn today, little one?
Kid brother: When in doubt, deny, deny, deny!
--Union Square
Overheard by: Pilar Annabelle Santiago
I'm Much Better Now, Though
Dirty Casanova: Yeah, but I always have fun over at First Ave. The other day I saw this crackhead running around naked in front of the club.
Cute girl: He must've been freezing.
Dirty Casanova: Yeah, I know what that's like... Not running naked in the cold, but being addicted to crack.
--G train, Metropolitan stop
Overheard by: Jason Hamlin
Tonight I'm Sitting on the Bed Post and Hitting Myself with a Hammer
Queer: Oh my god, he fucked me so hard last night.
Friend: Wait -- how hard?
Queer: Like, he literally fucked the shit out of me. He, like, knocked my tooth out and then I swallowed it when I gave him head. And then the next day I had to shit out the tooth.
Friend: Oh my god.
--114th & Amsterdam
I'll Own, You'll Rent
Little boy: Okay, so we're gonna both have boobies!
Little girl: No...
--82nd & Park
I Just Think Brad Pitt Is a Terrific Actor
Female college student: I keep telling you, you're not gay!
Male college student, sheepish: I know, I know...
--NYU
The One Where Everybody Hates the Girl Chandler's Fucking
Dude #1: Yeah, man. Not cool.
Dude #2: Dude, why do I always have to be fuckin' the girl everyone hates?
--Macy's
Overheard by: good question
Although She Also Told Me Shrooms Are Just Mushrooms with LSD Sprayed On...
NYU guy proposing Mary Poppins as a Rocky Horror-style sing-along: It'd probably be fun to get drunk and go to one of those.
NYU girl: I don't know...
NYU guy: Well, that's what my oboe teacher said.
--Washington Square
Overheard by: fifi
What, Like a Truss?
Dude: Great! Now let's go break your face!
Chick: Tom, I need a more positive kind of support right now...
--MacDougal & Washington Pl
Your Best Option Is Just to Get Fat and Buy the Clothes
Teen #1: Sometimes I fantasize about having a baby with him just so I could be attached to him forever. In fact, last night I was looking on the Internet for when your most fertile days are... And mine is today.
Teen #2, laughing: Well, I definitely don't ever want to get pregnant. Those nasty maternity clothes... Ew.
Teen #1: What?! I like the maternity clothes better than regular clothes!
Teen #2: Nah, fuck maternity!
--Port Authority Bus Terminal
Meet the Inventors of Training Wheels for Pants
Chick #1: I don't know how to walk slow.
Chick #2: Yeah...
Chick #1: Walking is like riding a bike. You fall down when you walk too slow.
--E train platform
Pass the Bottle
Guy #1: Dude, I think I'm finally starting to sober up.
Guy #2: How can you tell?
Guy #1: Because all of a sudden I can do square roots in my head again.
--Dorm elevator, Columbia University
Overheard by: Jessica
Super Lucky Is When You Find One of My Hairs in Your Food
Black chick: I figured it out -- when I fart on someone, when I spit on someone, it's lucky!
Latina: Wait, so if I spit on someone, it ain't lucky?
Black chick: Nah, because it ain't me doin' it. It gotta be me.
--Dressing room, Forever 21
Overheard by: I don't need to be lucky, really...
Not Sure You Avoid That with the "I Heart NY" Shirt, Though
Chick: Would it have been okay if I'd worn my shirt with a zebra on it today, or would that be like wearing a band shirt to a concert?
Dude: Yeah, that's exactly how it would be. Like, it's okay if you wear the opening band's shirt, but not the headliner. If you wore your zebra shirt, we would've had to skip the zebras.
Chick: You're right, I would have looked sooo groupie.
--Bronx Zoo
Overheard by: Sromeo
I Have Lost My Ability to Pick Up a Hanging Plant
Counter girl #1 : That's that shit you gotta get -- a douche.
Counter girl #2 : Nah, I don't fuck around with that shit.
Counter girl #1 : No, but that's what gets you tight again!
Counter girl #2 : Oh, then I definitely need to get me some of that!
--Duane Reade, 88th & Broadway
Overheard by: Evan
I Bit Off All of My Nails the Week Michelle Fell Off That Horse
Dude #1: Plus, I was watching The Sandlot, so that always stresses me out.
Dude #2: It does?
Dude #1: Yeah. Even though I know what's going to happen, I get really anxious... That's also the reason I don't watch Full House.
--Q train
Overheard by: dianora
Good, Now Move Your Head from Side to Side Like a Cobra
White woman: How did I testify?
Lawyer: Not too bad.
White woman: Tell the truth -- I was terrible.
Lawyer: No, it's just that he put a lot of words in your mouth.
White woman: I know.
Lawyer: You have to develop an attitude like a black woman. When he says, 'So, what you're telling me is...,' you have to say, 'Don't be puttin' words in mah mouf! I said this. Don't be twistin' mah words to say I said that.'
White woman, dismayed: I'll try.
--Hallway, Civil Court, 111 Centre St
Overheard by: Big Larry
I Love My Custodial Weekends
Whiny four-year-old boy: Daaad! I'm bored!
Dad: We came here to be bored.
--Central Park
What Happens When You Read Freud to Toddlers
Little girl reaching for Peanut M&Ms: I want penis!
Mother: You better stop that!
Little girl: I want penis!
Stranger: Just give it to her, for Christ's sake!
--Manhattan-bound L train
He's Back. And This Time, He's Fabulous!
Woman #1: How old do you think I am?
Woman #2: I don't know...
Woman #1: I'm 46.
Woman #2: 46? Really? You look so young!
Woman #1: That's Jesus.
--Fresco Tortilla, 52nd & 9th
Selfish Bone Cancer-Having Motherfucker
Man: I'm in pain! Nurse, nurse!
Nurse, to herself: Dammit, nigga, I just fucking gave you morphine!
--Albert Einstein Hospital
Let's Just Use the Mind-Control Device Again
Guy #1: So, I heard this blowjob technique that sounds pretty cool, but I don't know how to tell my girlfriend without sounding pushy.
Guy #2: Well, maybe I could do it for you.
Guy #1: Dude... That's gay.
Guy #2: No! I meant I could tell your girlfriend for you, not do it to you!
Guy #1: Oh... Well, that's just awkward, then.
--A train
I've Packed Us a Bag Lunch of Vibrators and Paxil
Blonde: Because, you know, we travel so well together.
Brunette: Yeah, and this time I won't be having anxiety attacks.
Blonde: And this time I won't be trying to sleep with you.
--Kodama Sushi
Ferlinghetti: Eh, I've Made Worse Rhymes
Coworker chick #1: You ready, spaghetti?
Coworker chick #2: [Silence.]
Coworker chick #1: Well?!
Coworker chick #2: Wait, I'm thinking.
Coworker chick #1: Oh, okay.
Coworker chick #2: Like Lawrence Ferlinghetti!
--84th & 3rd
Overheard by: da sarkastik ninja.
What Drug Could Make That Interesting?
Thug #1: Yo, what we gonna do today?
Thug #2: Do like my man in Big Daddy do -- we go to the park and watch people trip over shit!
--Shuttle to Times Square
Overheard by: MC
I Like to Root for the Underdog
Teen tourist #1: Let's go, strangers!
Teen tourist #2: Isn't that, 'Let's go, Rangers'?
Teen tourist #1: Oh, I never got that.
--Penn Station
Quickly -- Last One to the Gym Is a Size 4!
Anorexic wannabe #1: Ugh, no, ugh... It smells like salt in here! And fat!
Anorexic wannabe #2: Let's get out of here.
--Chelsea Market, Bowery Kitchen
Overheard by: Rev
Then I Rolled Him Up and Stored Him in My Closet
Chick #1: So, he was laying on top of me and, y'know, the thing popped up...
Chick #2: So you slept with him?
Chick #1: No, I said, 'You better deflate, 'cause I'm not having sex with you.'
--Outback Steakhouse
Overheard by: Meagan
Hope These Two Crazy Kids Realize They Belong Together
Girl: We need to find you a rebound for your rebound.
Guy: Isn't a rebound rebound just a girlfriend?
Girl: Whoa.
Guy: Sorry, I didn't mean to freak you out with my existentialism. You are high, after all. [Girl is silent.] Bright colors! Wavy things!
--7th & 3rd
And Say You're My Teaching Fellow
Queer: ... And when you meet my mother, do not ask about her ear.
Boyfriend: Why not?
Queer: Just don't. And drink vodka!
Boyfriend: Not whiskey?
Queer: And if she asks you to pet the dog, for the love of God, you pet the dog.
--C train station, 96th & Central Park West
Overheard by: What about the buttsex?
"Socially" Fat
Teen boy: So, is she fat like Kelly is fat?
Teen girl: You mean, is she just fat because we don't like her?
--Central Park
Overheard by: jennica
Under New York Law, This Is a Binding Contract
Guy lugging large suitcases: Well, see ya.
Girl, crossing street away from him: Fine! Leave me! Don't get sunburnt!
Guy: Don't get pregnant!
--NYU
Overheard by: Crossing My Fingers
Precisely My Point
Guy #1: I love Puerto Rico!
Guy #2: Oh, please! Puerto Rico is just like the Bronx, but it has palm trees.
--Chelsea
Overheard by: D
Apparently Its Demands Have Not Been Met
Dude #1: Hey... So, did the baby come out?
Dude #2: No, it decided to stay in a little longer.
--Union Square
If They Were Designer Genital Warts, I'd Reconsider...
Chick #1: What's wrong, sweetie?
Chick #2: Well, for the past few weeks I've had... [lowers voice] genital warts.
Chick #1: Oh my god, sweetie. I'm so sorry. [Goes to hug friend, then stops] Oh, wait. We probably shouldn't touch.
--Knockoff purse stall, Chinatown
Overheard by: Kelly
Headline by: Mike Chmiel
Runners-Up:
· "Don't worry - circle, circle, dot, dot takes care of everything" - Melissa
· "I probably shouldn't be sleeping with your boyfriend either." - Rachel
· "Or we could just not hug with our vaginas" - Matt
· "We also should avoid rubbing our genitals on the same doorknob" - Mdan
Click here to see the new Headline Contest
Now I Fantasize about Suicide, Like Everybody Else in the City
Lady: Wow, that really sucks...
Man: Yeah, you never know how useful all your fingers are until you lose one. And you know what's so crazy? I used to fantasize about cutting one of my fingers off before this happened.
Lady: Are you serious? Which one?
Man: I couldn't decide...
--2nd St & Ave C
Overheard by: bestbelieve
The White Witch Vows to Freeze Narnia Forever
Black girl: Okay, everybody, here's where we learn to dance! Everybody repeat after me. To the left, to the right, to the left, to the right... [Passengers sway and laugh.]
Sour WASP lady to adjacent white passenger: Is this what people are like when they're on crack?
--3 train, 125th St
Overheard by: Rich Mintz
Just Pull the Troops Out and Throw the Rest Away
Guy: Man, sandwiches are good.
Chick: You know, like, sandwiches are the best thing since 'Nam.
--Deli, 120th & Amsterdam
All Your Base Are Belong to Wednesday One-Liners
Woman who endured rush hour: Wow, what a rush! That was just like Frogger!
--Grand Central
Overheard by: Amy D M
Girl watching friend play Frogger: Oh, I remember how to play! You're supposed to avoid the cars!
--Barcade, Williamsburg
Overheard by: champ
Dude: I'm telling you, I was put on this Earth just to play fuckin' Tetris.
--W 13th St
Overheard by: Lauren L
Little Dominican boy to classmate: Why you had to tell on me, white boy, version-one-of-Donkey-Kong?!
--PS 8, Washington Heights
Overheard by: Mona
Law student: He's a good professor, but he doesn't have that Mortal Kombat instinct. You know -- finish him!
--Sammy's Noodle Shop, 6th Ave
Overheard by: Rose Fox
Wednesday One-Liners, a Worldwide Pants Production
Man on cell: The notebook is perfect and it also fits down my pants.
--Penn Station
Overheard by: I Love You Alex
Hipster girl: So, as I was tasting him... Oh! My pants just unbuttoned!
--W 12th St
Overheard by: Paige
Conductor: Good evening, ladies and gentlemen. This is our last stop, Grand Central Station. Please make sure you have your purses, pants, makeup and fake eyebrows.
--Grand Central
Overheard by: Meaghan
High school goomba on cell: He's just mad because I've got my own style. Y'know, I decided what I wanted to be like -- y'know, how I wanted to look -- and went with it. Just wait until summer -- he won't be able to touch me. Yo, do you know how hard it is to find white pants in Staten Island if you're a guy? I had to go to Brooklyn to get them!
--S48 bus, Staten Island
Overheard by: It's not part of the uniform?
Girl on cell: Just pull your pants down and take it like a man!
--E 12th & 3rd Avenue
Overheard by: Mistres Silver
Dude: Remember when that Turkish girl stuck her hands in my pants? I was like, 'Hold on. You're Muslim and I'm Texan -- I don't think this is gonna work.'
--Cheapshots
Overheard by: B
Man to lady: I need pants desperately. I can't wait!
--32nd & Broadway
Wednesday One-Liners Threw Up in Front of Dean Wormer
Drunk frat guy: I don't know about you fellas, but I'm going to Narnia. Shazam! [Dives head first into a wardrobe.]
--NYU dorm
Frat boy: Dude, do you think if I start drinking now I'll still be drunk in Michigan?
--JFK
Overheard by: JJ
Drunk frat dude on cell: So, does autumn come after winter or before it?
--Outside Wogie's, West Village
Overheard by: misspenny
Black frat dude to white frat dude: I mean, if the KKK could've thought of BET, they woulda done it 50 years ago.
--Columbia University
Drunk Long Island frat boy: At least no one got raped, so that's pretty good.
--Penn Station
Overheard by: echo
Sweet, Sweet Wednesday One-Liners
Male driver, honking and screaming at pedestrians: They're fucking muffins! You're waiting in line for fucking 30 minutes for cupcakes! You are all children! Children!
--Line at Magnolia Bakery
Chick: When I say I'm not hungry what I mean is I just want to eat the icing off something.
--Washington Square
Little boy to another: Are you afraid of lollipops?
--8th St & University Pl
Overheard by: W. Liang
Teacher: The Frenchies were happy -- we've saved their crepes! Ah, oui, oui! Our crepes! Hahaha!
--Brooklyn Tech
Overheard by: Liz
Middle-aged man: It's a three pound ball of opium dipped in chocolate.
--Farmer's Market, Union Square
NYU girl: I mean, I eat a bowl of chocolate ice cream every night before I go to bed. It's something you just get used to.
--Barnes & Noble, Union Square
Overheard by: Amelia
Angry man on cell: Tell me where he is or no dessert!
--Spring & Mulberry St
Overheard by: 2 of the mulberry 3
These Wednesday One-Liners Are Hard
Teen girl: And then it was like Mister T was there in the corner stroking his two foot cock!
--Bronx-bound 1 train
Conductor: The next stop is my dick.
--Bronx-bound 1 train
Overheard by: Nicole
Girl: I've seen one penis, like, a thousand times.
--St. Mark's Pl, between 1st & 2nd
Lady: He's got quite an impressive member. I was in a club when he unfurled it. I tripped on it. Never wearing those shoes again.
--Starbucks, Park Ave
Tourist mom to kids, pointing to Greek sculpture sans penis: Look at this one -- he has testicles... but where's his gizmo?
--The Met
Skinny queer, dancing: Man, dick is so hard to find here.
--The Cock, 2nd & 2nd
Overheard by: unfound dick
Wednesday One-Liners Off the Vine
Thug: Anybody who grew up where I grew up knows there's a million things you can do with a mothafuckin' grape!
--23rd & 7th
Chick: Hey, plenty of people are murdered with vibrating bananas.
--Columbia University
Overheard by: Ein Ladle
JAP: What happens if you actually eat a whole grapefruit?
--Whole Foods, Union Square
Overheard by: You'll get FAT!
Suit: I'm totally unimpressed by cantaloupe as a fruit. It's just taking the easy way out.
--Sotto Voce, Park Slope
Overheard by: Sweet Jimmy
Lady: I feel like I'm living in a banana.
--75th & Madison
Conductor: The E train to Queens -- that's E as in 'apple' -- is running regularly.
--A train, 14th St
Teen girl to third graders: You was teachin' 'em a banana looked like a dick!
--19th & 4th, Brooklyn
Ask Your Doctor about Wednesday One-Liners
Investment banker lady: He needs some hobbies besides painkillers.
--45th & Park
Overheard by: triSarahtops
Queer: Who needs a boyfriend when you have OxyContin?
--4th St & Ave C
Overheard by: Kenney Matthews
Excited chick on cell: Oh my god, and my mom said for my birthday she is gonna get me these pills!
--79th & Amsterdam
Middle-aged man: That is why I have been taking my father's pills.
--14th & Broadway
Overheard by: Coffeeshopgoth
NYU girl to another: If your dad didn't want to go on anti-depressants before, he's gonna want to now!
--Union Square
Overheard by: Sarah
Philosophy professor: So, let's just say one time I was on... prescription medication.
--Fordham University
Overheard by: Raquel
Wednesday One-Liners for Ralph Kramden
Bus driver: This bus is making all the same stops as the subway. This bus is the train! This bus is the train! Choo-choo!
--Bus running as the 7 train
Bus driver: Step on in. Step on in. Tropical palm trees in the back.
--Q101 bus, 59th & 2nd
Overheard by: marerod
Bus driver, about blonde cop crossing street: Christie Brinkley there is looking to lock someone up so she can make detective next week.
--B75 bus, Brooklyn
Bus driver: Everybody sliiide to the left... Sliiide to the right... One hop this time!
--B44 bus
Overheard by: steph
Ballin' driver: Dem tips are not just for the ride, they fo' the looks. Much love!
--LaGuardia shuttle bus
Overheard by: Alex
Bus driver: Utopia!
--Q46 bus
Bus driver: Attention ladies and gentlemen, the next stop is Fifth Avenue. Please have your passports ready for inspection.
--79th St Crosstown Bus
Infernal Wednesday One-Liners
Protestant street preacher with mic: You're going down the Broadway to Hell.
--42nd & 8th
Subway preacher: When you buy a tree and put that in your house, and when you put all the presents under the tree, that's all for Satan, not for Jesus. One day I was thinking about how the name Santa looks familiar, and I'm thinking to myself, Goddammit... No, wait, sorry. I'm thinking to myself