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I'll Have to See If He Still Respects Me
Hipster girl #1: Yeah, so he seemed like a really nice guy. I met him at Shaina's party, we had an actual intellectual conversation, he may or may not have poisoned me...
Hipster girl #2: Yeah, but what if he did poison you? I mean, what then?
--3rd & 1st
The Bi-Curious Girls She Drops Try Me Next
Ugly frat boy #1: Dude, you're right -- your sister is very mannish. She looks like a cross between you and Ben.
Ugly frat boy #2: Yeah, I like it that way.
--R train, Park Slope
Lucky the Conservancy's Hot Guy Squad Roams the Park
Chick: My worst nightmare would be if I passed out drunk in the park and woke up to somebody fingering me.
Hoochie friend: Actually, that doesn't seem that bad... How about if the guy is hot?
Girl: Well, I guess it's not really that bad after all...
--A train platform, 14th St
Overheard by: On Platform
With Occasional Dangerous Liaisons in the Middle
Little boy, after dad explains difference between Barnard and Columbia: So, this side of the street is for girls, and that side is for boys?
Father: Exactly.
--116th & Broadway
No, It's Time She Heard the Truth
NYU girl #1. Where are you from?
NYU girl #2. New Jersey.
NYU girl #1. Oh... I guess that's okay.
--W 4th & Mercer
Clearly Sex Needs More Upsides
Dude #1: How come when you have sex bad things happen, like STDs? Why can't you get sexually transmitted skills, like creativity?
Dude #2: Or juggling.
--NYU Kimmel
That Night He Set the Poodle on Fire
Little boy picking up candy bar: Mommy, can I buy some junk?
Mom: Um, no, sweetie.
Little boy, creepily sincere: Oh, I'm sorry. I'm really, really sorry. Very sorry, Mommy.
--IPN Pharmacy, Tribeca
You Might Want to Look into Larger Pants
Student #1: I think your booty is just so bodacious it, like, breaks your pants.
Student #2: Haha, yeah...
--Kimmel Center, NYU
We Dissed 'em, but They Don't Seem to Know It
12-year-old hood rat #1, taunting three 20-ish bike riders at red light: Yeah, you ride that bike.
12-year-old hood rat #2, laughing: Yeah, fuck you! Ride that bike!
Biker girl: Yep, we're riding our bikes [light turns and they ride off].
12-year-old hood rat #3: There they go.
--Dean St & 3rd Ave
Falling Down Radicalized Him
Man #1: Yeah, I'm always getting blamed by someone for everything because I'm the man. Fat, white, middle-aged guy in a suit. Yep, it's my fault.
Man #2: The Texas accent doesn't help, either.
--E train, 42nd St
Overheard by: Yeah it is probably his fault
But My Mom Says When I Turn 10 I Can Get a New Face
Nine-year-old blonde: I'm not pretty.
Nine-year-old brunette: Yes, you are. You're super pretty!
Nine-year-old blonde: I'm not pretty enough. I'm not Paris Hilton-pretty.
--Hudson & Perry
Overheard by: Talia
Very Good -- Would You Like an Animal Cracker?
Hot mom to kid while walking past construction site: That's called rebar. Can you say 'rebar'?
Hardhat: Rebar!
--86th & 3rd
Overheard by: hbomb
Cans and Bottles Only
Girlfriend to boyfriend trying to stick trash down her pants: That's not a garbage can!
--48th St, Sunnyside, Queens
Is That Where My Crazy Straw Went?
Hot guy #1: Sometimes her vagina smells like old cheese, and I feel like I'm suffocating down there and I'm gonna die.
Hot guy #2: Just use a snorkel.
Hot guy #1: Does that work?
Hot guy #2: I don't leave home without it.
--23rd & Park
Well, I Didn't Get a Good Look at His "Field"...
Male professor: Oh, by the way, I saw Professor Ames* when I was in Chicago last weekend.
Female dean: Oh! Is he still as hot as he always was?
Male professor: [Blank stare.]
Female dean: ... In his field...
--NYU
But for Quickie Sex or Puking, I'd Recommend the Third Floor
Tourist lady: Excuse me, do you work here?
Employee: Yes, ma'am. Can I help you?
Tourist lady: Yes. Where are the toilets, please?
Employee: Up the escalators and take a left.
Tourist lady: Thank you. Number one or number two?
Employee: Well... You can do either, ma'am...
--Toys "R" Us, Times Square
She Used The Rules to Line Her Bird's Cage
20-ish guy: So, I should just ask: Can I come in and fuck your brains out?
20-ish girl: You don't have to be all Tarantino about it, but yeah.
--44th & Broadway
Overheard by: Esther
I Ask You, Are These the Pecs of a 40-Year-Old?
Host: ... But they wanted to see my tattoos...
Hostess: I don't care what they wanted to see, you don't take your shirt off at a six-year-old's birthday party!
--Birthday party, Clinton Hill, Brooklyn
Like Everybody Who Works for a Living
Guy: You ever try Kopi Luwak?
Girl: No, who is he?
Guy: It's not a he, it's the world's most expensive coffee.
Girl: That's not the coffee that's made from cat shit, is it?
Guy: It's not made from cat shit.
Girl: They pick the beans out of the cat shit.
Guy: Sort of.
Girl: So that posers like you can drink it.
Guy: You don't understand the concept of gourmet.
Girl: Maybe not, but I understand the concept of eating shit.
--Starbucks, Court St, Brooklyn
Overheard by: Big Larry
It's Just One Day -- I'm Sure They Won't Mind
Young man: I am going to a wedding soon.
Old woman: I see. What are you going to wear?
Young man: I don't know. Probably a tuxedo...
Old woman: I thought tuxedos were for Jewish people!
--Grasmere, Staten Island
Overheard by: Russ Brag
75% of Mommy Was Bought with Money
Rich mommy: Daddy works in money. Money is very important. Money buys ice cream cones and sandals.
Little girl: [Nods.]
--73rd & Amsterdam
Then Who's That Blond Guy on Queer Eye?
NYU girl #1: Guess what? I'm going to Truman Capote's house tomorrow!
NYU girl #2: Wow!
NYU girl #1: Yeah.
NYU girl #2: To meet him?
NYU girl #1: Oh, no. He's, like, totally dead.
--Jane St, near W 4th St
The Bible
Old lady: ... And he was so fed up with this other guy that he killed him.
Old man: Oh.
Passerby, shocked: You're talking about a movie, right?
Old lady, confused: No.
--83rd & 1st
Overheard by: Wants the book rights first
Wonder Why She Keeps Cutting Herself
Girl #1 dressed as 1920s flapper: She was molested by her math teacher when she was a kid and sued for a ton of money.
Girl #2 dressed as 1920s flapper: Why couldn't I have been molested as child?
Girl #3 dressed as 1920s flapper: Lucky bitch!
--Eat Here Now diner, Lex Ave
And That's How I Came Up with the Lyrics to A Moveable Feast
Guy #1: So, I was at this thing last night playing guitar or whatever, and my friend Ashley* is eating out this fat guy's asshole...
Guy #2: What?!
Guy #1: Yeah, seriously.
--Dorm elevator, Fordham University, Lincoln Center
Overheard by: OnlyinNY
Better -- They Got Written Permission for Birth Control
Crackhead #1: You went to Catholic school?
Crackhead #2: Yeah... Well, not for long 'cause I got kicked out for punching a nun in the face.
Crackhead #1: Wow. Did your parents get their money back, at least?
--L train
Good to Know There's Some Common Ground
Black guy #1 walking behind a lady with kid: Damn! I didn't know white women had butts like our black women.
Black guy #2: Me neither.
--Liberty Ave, Queens
Overheard by: nycgal
Mom's a Reluctant Convert to Heterosexuality
Little boy: But Mom, what is my penis for?
Mom: I told you, if you have questions about that stuff, ask Daddy -- not Mommy!
--Central Park South
Overheard by: L.L.
Unless It's the One that Says "Punch Me in the Face"
Male employee #1 refolding shit-load of shirts: If I ever see a girl on the street wearing one of these shirts, I'm gonna punch her in the face.
Male employee #2: Yeah.
--Urban Outfitters, 11th & 2nd
Overheard by: Shelby
His Tongue Is All Purple, Though
Woman #1: So, what you think about Duane?
Woman #2: Girl, he all up in my Kool-Aid and he don't even know the flavah!
--Deli, Brooklyn
Overheard by: cloisterpunk
No Further Humps after That
Redhead: ... And he's been bottling this all up and I guess my freak-out just pushed him over the edge.
Blonde: Yeah, totally. Like the straw that tipped the camel over...
--Haru, 18th & Park
I'm Happy to Let a Man Drive
Tourist girl: Excuse me, does this bus go to 61st?
Bus driver: Yeah.
Tourist girl: How much is it?
Bus driver: 20 bucks... or a kiss [points to cheek].
Tourist girl: Okay!
Friend: What is with you and public transportation workers?!
--Bus stop, 49th & Madison
But, You Know, I Always See the Good in People
Man #1: She's got a kid, and I want no part of that. But I like her a lot...
Man #2: Right.
Man #1: I mean, she's not that attractive, you know, but she has a nice ass.
--3 train
Overheard by: rat
A Tranny in the Clam Is Worth Two in the Tush
Artsy 30-something #1: I remember this one photograph -- this beautiful transsexual Latino in a clam like the Venus de Milo.
Artsy 30-something #2: Yes, I actually helped organize that picture.
Artsy 30-something #1: Oh, really? How was she?
Artsy 30-something #2: Beautiful. She lactated.
Artsy 30-something #1: Nice.
--Tea & Sympathy
Overheard by: No milk in my tea, thanks....
Headline by: bri b
Runners-Up:
· "HeShe's a Lactina." - Amanda Lee
· "Out of her penis." - Kate
· "Wait until you see my menstrating Pieta" - Sean McGurr
· "We named it Penis de Milko" - Erez Schatz
Click here to see the new Headline Contest
Yeah, War's the Perfect Time to Lose Your Faith
Professor: So, the gospel of Luke differs from Mark in its concern about... [Walks across room to look at poster promoting Iraq War protest, studies it for a moment, then returns to podium.] Sorry, I was distracted by the war. [Students laugh.] No, really. The things we're doing right now are actually really pointless in the world we live in. [Silence.] Okay! Back to pretending my job is important. Anyway...
--NYU
Yeah, but Is It Eat-Me-During-My-Period Hot?
Girl: God, whenever you kiss me on the subway your teeth hit mine! I think some drool got up my nose.
Boy: That is so hot.
--C train
Overheard by: Lauren
I'm Barred from Crate & Barrel for Life
Dude: So, what did you do?
Hung-over girl: I was really embarrassed at first and I tried to hide it. Then I was like, 'Fuck it, yeah, I peed in your bed.'
--Restaurant, Chelsea
Barn-Cured Virginia Wednesday One-Liners
Lady: You did things to me while I was sleeping! The truth will come out! ... Can I have a cigarette?
--74th & Ridge Blvd
Conductor: There is no smoking on this train! There is no smoking on this train or the platform! I repeat, there is no smoking on this train! If you continue to smoke, I will stop this train and the gendarmes will come and get you!
--Metro-North, Bronx
Dude on cell: Hold on one sec, I'm watching Jimmy try to smoke a cigarette right now and it's like watching a Special Olympics hurdler.
--Upper West Side
Overheard by: djw
Girl on cell: Try smoking it. You should try smoking it.
--26th & Broadway
Hobo peeking in train: Hold the doors for me, okay? I'm just going to have a smoke.
--C train
Stoner chick: What if we actually want to bake something? We'll have smoked all our vanilla extract!
--Elderidge & Rivington
Overheard by: Karin
Wednesday One-Liners Are Always True to You in Their Fashion
Girl on cell: Well, how would Mom know what to do? Back in the old days a woman who slept with your husband never baked you a pie!
--5th Ave
Overheard by: at a loss
Guy: Man, I've been married two days and I want to cheat!
--W 4th St station
Overheard by: noseinabook
Chick on cell: Oh my god, now they're fighting... Yes! She's screaming at him in the middle of street! No, she has no idea we got back together... I don't know, but it's really creepy -- it's like she knew we'd be here this morning -- she walked in like two minutes after we did... Oh my god, she's coming in! Quick, get down here and make out with me so she thinks I'm a lesbian!
--Starbucks, Union Square
Overheard by: That works...
Guy at table: ... And I've got my finger in another guy's wife's pussy, basically...
--Outside Starbucks, Cooper Union
Overheard by: Paul
Woman on cell: I apologize in advance, but you know I love you. And if you weren't married, I'd be in love with you.
--35th & Lenox, Brooklyn
Overheard by: Rei
Middle-aged lady on cell: Okay, honey, bye-bye. I still love you even though you have a wife and kid.
--JetBlue flight, JFK runway
Yo, It's Wednesday One-Liners, You Know What I'm Sayin'?
Beefy Italian guy on cell: He's got an equal opportunity to go fuck himself!
--3rd St & Ave A
Overheard by: Liz A.
Italian chick: My brother got so many velours -- he got more velours than the stores!
--Staten Island Ferry
Cranky Italian: No, no, no! That's my problem with this city! They never give you a full glass of wine!
--Midtown
Italian guy to four friends: No. Fuck you, motherfucker! I used it in a sentence -- you define it!
--Spring & Mott
Overheard by: Douglas A. Cheesman II
Italian hardhat: Yo, I'm sorry. I'm sorry I found a girl with a little class, a little self-respect, that she's not banging me two days after she knows me. I'm sorry if that upsets you.
--75th & Madison
Overheard by: Anne
Italian mobster, after turning down wrong aisle: Oh, sugar!
--Duane Reade, Fulton St
Overheard by: tj
Wednesday One-Liners in Cat Eye Glasses
Hipster girl to hipster guy: ... And it's like, he cums on me and it's like it doesn't even mean anything!
--L train platform, Union Square
Overheard by: Ht-hrw
Hipster: You know, 'bedbugs' is just a classy name for crabs.
--7th & Ave A
Hipster: I better not be a virgin by the time I get home.
--14th St & Union Square South
Overheard by: Almost Tourist
Hipster girl: So, I took ecstasy yesterday, and I was playing a lot of flute.
--Outside The Slaughtered Lamb
Overheard by: bonzo
Hipster girl to friends: My mother thought I was a virgin until I told her that I'd had an abortion.
--120th & Amsterdam
Hipster: Well, I can't help it if their tits shrivel up into tiny raisins!
--Montrose stop
Overheard by: big baby
Hipster chick: So, all my guy friends are really into her! There's just something about her that really turns guys on, and it's not just because she's blind.
--Columbus Circle
Wednesday One-Liners Have a Master's in Evacuation
Lady: Okay, it's been 80 minutes. That means one of us has to go pee.
--The Factory, Christopher St
Man: Shit! Why isn't this moving faster? I need to take a piss. Of course I can't just take a piss right here, 'cause I need to be all proper and shit.
--1 train
Cute 20-ish foreign guy to lady friend: ... And then I got peed on. I got peed on -- on my face! I wanna get peed on again.
--Bleecker, between MacDougal & 6th Ave
Overheard by: WTF Mate
Girl: Have you ever had to pee so bad that you get, like, high?
--9th & 7th
Loud chick on cell: I know, girl. That's what I told her -- he stays peeing on her and giving her mad STDs.
--B46 bus, Eastern Pkwy, Brooklyn
Hardhat: I gotta go pee. Somebody kick me in the balls!
--Chambers St station
Overheard by: Cat
Chick in stall: This is our first pee in New York City!
--Restroom, Virgin Megastore
Overheard by: it was mine too.
With Age Comes Wednesday One-Liners
Old lady looking at Underworld: Man, that Kate Beckinsale is really hot. I would so do her.
--Public Library
Overheard by: Robyn
Old lady: No, man, I ain't doin' no E! I ain't done no E in years!
--86th & Lex
Old lady with cane grumbling to self about jaywalker: Did you see that? He almost got hit by that cab. Too bad -- he deserved to die!
--Outside Sarge's, 36th & 3rd
Overheard by: Goofa Sutra Yogini
Old man: How do I love thee? Let me count the ways... Pie.
--Brighton Beach
Old black lady on pay phone: 'Do me up the butt'? No, no, honey. That is not the proper way to address a girl.
--96th & Broadway
Overheard by: davees
Old man: What we need in America is more nappy-headed black women on television. That's what we need to fight for.
--Union Square
Overheard by: Holly Kaye
Cortitos Del Miércoles
Saucy Latina: I don't want to get a bikini wax if it won't be sexual.
--Dallas BBQ, Times Square
Overheard by: Ladle
Exasperated Latina: She makes me sin on freakin' Ash Wednesday!
--42nd St. 4 station
Overheard by: Harriet Vane
Latina on cell: Hey, just calling to say hi... And tell you I'm never gonna see you again. Okay, bye!
--24th & 7th
Whiny Latina: I don't want to sweat today -- I can't mess up my hair!
--New York Sports Club, Astoria
Overheard by: MissPinkKate
Loud Latina: He woke up and pissed in a bottle. I was like, 'The bathroom's right there! Why you gotta piss in a 40 bottle?'
--3 train
Overheard by: EthanK
Sassy Latina on cell: Well, you can just call your parents and tell them you're a pig and need more than one woman and that's why we aren't getting married!
--Near Steinway St, Queens
Overheard by: ADC
Latino thug: That's what we do. That's what we do when we hangin' out with a girl: smoke a blunt, watch a movie, and then we fuck. That's what we do. All my niggas, that's what we do!
--Ft Greene
Overheard by: Andrew
Wednesday One-Liners Wanna See Where Ross and Rachel Did It
Seven-year-old ghetto kid: This is the Earth, yo!
--Earth Science Hall, Museum of Natural History
Dad to seven-year-old son: If you're gonna steal somethin', you gotta steal somethin' you can sell.
--Museum of Natural History gift shop
Overheard by: rufus
Cowboy squinting at museum pamphlet with wife and kids: The Big... Bang? What's that?
--Museum of Natural History
Child passing the Australopithecus couple: Look, Ma! It's like you and Dad on your honeymoon!
--Museum of Natural History
Overheard by: Dottie
Employee: Welcome to the Hayden Planetarium. Please turn off your cell phones, digital cameras, and small children.
--Museum of Natural History
Mother: Stop screaming! They can't hear you!
--Museum of Natural History
Wednesday One-Liners Get Prison Tats
Woman: If it's not illegal, it's not worth doing. That's my motto.
--Walker & Broadway
Overheard by: Jess McGins
Guy on cell: If I put on some weight around the middle, I'll just go to jail and get my six-pack back. I don't give a fuck!
--Bay Ridge Pkwy & 3rd Ave
Overheard by: The Inimitable Karen
Mother to young son: If you do that again, Mommy's going to send you to Rikers!
--Staples, the Village