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And That Radical Pakistani Madrasa
Old lady: So, it sounds like you've really got your life together.
Woo-woo chick: Yes, with the help of my therapist and my life coach, of course.
--Terminal 9, JFK
At Least Nobody Felt the Need to Sing
B&T woman #1: Did you see Three Days of Rain?
B&T woman #2: No, what was it about?
B&T man #1: A stutterer fucks Julia Roberts.
B&T woman #1: Pay no attention to him -- he's a Neanderthal.
B&T man #2, leaning in and whispering: Does he really?
--Sardi's Restaurant
Overheard by: Big Larry
And... I Have No Second Point to Make
Girlfriend: This guy told me that a girl told you it would be worth your while to cheat on me!
Boyfriend: First of all, I didn't tell her I had a girlfriend...
--F train
Yet Another Reason to See the Pirates Director's Cut
Angry girl: Your boner does not have super powers.
Dude: Yes, it does!
Angry girl: It won't even point us in the right direction.
Dude: I never said it could do that.
Angry girl: You're no Captain Jack Sparrow.
--W 3rd & Lafayette
Overheard by: danger
You Can Imagine the Rest Any Way You Like
Queer: Hey, that guy's pretty attractive. At least from behind...
Friend: Yeah, I guess so.
Queer: Sometimes that's all that matters.
--The Apple Tree performance, Studio 54
Overheard by: whatever floats your boat
Oh, Wait, That's Meditation
Girl #1: I walked in on my boy masturbating while we where getting ready for sex.
Girl #2: Oh my god, I love masturbating before sex. It's like a free orgasm.
Girl #1: Me, too. It's, like, spiritual in my family.
--4th St & Park Ave
Knowing There Are Only Two Halves Is Half the Battle
Big black lady #1: Have you been to that new Queens mall?
Big black lady #2: No.
Big black lady #1: Half the people be shoppin', half of 'em be watchin' people, and I don't even know 'bout the other half. It gets so damn crowded!
--1 train
Overheard by: No Kidding
We Both Know I'm Likeable, but Not Loveable
Man #1: Has she told you that she loves you yet?
Man #2: No... She's much too intelligent for that.
--Unioin Square
Can You Google "Schmuck" Real Quick?
Tourist on cell: I am looking at a big board that says LIRR. This can't be Pennsylvania station.
Commuter: Hey, schmuck -- LIRR is in Penn Station.
Tourist on cell: Oh, I am in the right place. Someone was nice enough to give me directions.
--Penn Station
Reader Poll: Gay Man or Laundry Accident?
Chick #1: So I get him home, right, and he takes it off and he's wearin' lavendah undaweah...
Chick #2, cackling: My gawd!
--Bleecker
Overheard by: sadi heleina
He Works in the Food Industry -- The Output Sector
Dude: Sorry, I can't come tonight. I gotta get to work.
Shaggy guy: Wait, you work in the bathroom?
Dude: Yeah. Sorry.
--Brooklyn College
Overheard by: Barbie
You Can Just Stop Angling for a Two-Guy Threesome
Chick: So, David*, do you long for the protective touch of a man?
Guy: I'm your boyfriend.
Chick: So? Sometimes I think you long for a strong man to hold you and shelter you...
Guy: Goddammit, I am not gay!
--6 train
Meet the Luckiest Girl in New York
Rich girl #1: So, let me get this straight -- they weren't even nice to you until after your brother died?!
Rich girl #2: It's like they didn't even know I was alive. My whole life was always, 'Christopher this and that... Why can't you be more like Christopher?' Ugh, shut up!
Rich girl #1: That's fucked up. Your parents are supposed to love everybody the same and now they're trying to buy your love because they feel guilty. Seriously! They bought you a Cayenne and you didn't even ask for it!
Rich girl #2: I guess it's fucked up, but so what? My love happens to be for sale.
--Barneys
Overheard by: Sally
She's Dating This Guy
Teen girl #1: Yeah, Florida is totally North of New York.
Teen girl #2: Are you kidding me? No, it's not.
Teen girl #1: Yeah, it is! I mean, like, you drive North to the airport, right? And South of New York is just, like... water.
Teen girl #2, staring in disbelief: Wow.
--5th Ave
Overheard by: Shocked
Thank God My Boyfriend's the Size of a Golf Pencil!
Teen girl #1: It is, like, impossible to get laid with a dick that's too large.
Teen girl #2: Like, seriously -- 12 inches? You would rupture something.
Teen boy: It would be something out of Alien.
Teen girl #2: Just a huge black thing coming out of your stomach.
--1 train
The Shareholders Voted Him In
Chick riding down escalator: I can't believe Andrea left work at 5:30 today.
Thug riding up escalator: Bitch had to leave to go suck my dick!
Chick and friend, gasping: Oh my god!
Thug, to thug friend: She gotta climb that corporate ladder somehow, yo!
--53rd & Lex station
It's Funny, and There's a Moral
Boy: Knock-knock.
Mom: Who's there?
Boy: McDonald's.
Mom: McDonald's who?
Boy: Let's go to McDonald's.
--Waverly Pl & Broadway
Overheard by: Lara
Unless I Got Frequent-Flyer Miles
Hoochie #1: I'm okay with abortions and everything, but I think if I had to get them every other month that'd be nasty.
Hoochie #2: Uh-huh.
--LIRR, Huntington Branch
Overheard by: Mark Schilsky
The Heartache of Lukewarm Erotic Imagination
Girl #1: God, why are all the losers interested in me?!
Girl #2: Shut up! At least you have the potential of getting some ass! All I can get are the people in my mind... And they're not even hot!
Girl #1: ... Sorry.
--Cowgirl Hall of Fame restaurant, Hudson St
All I Need Now Is a Diaphragm and Some Scotch Tape
Chick #1: ... And I'm just trying to make myself a virgin again, you know?
Chick #2: Yeah, I know.
--St. James Pl
"Take Your Mother to Work Day" Was a Better Idea in Theory Than in Practice
Man #1: ... So that's the real problem with being a drug dealer.
Man #2, noticing shocked little old lady: Yeah, I guess... Can we talk about this later?
--Union Square
Overheard by: Cameron Rose
Or Possibly a Latke
Goy #1 examining a mezuzah: What are these things?
Goy #2: I think it's a Jewish decoration.
Goy #1: Oh, yeah. I've seen them in Jewish people's houses.
Goy #2: Yeah, I think it's called a dreidel.
--Abigael's on Broadway, 39th & Broadway
Overheard by: BobsBigBoys
He Saw His Reflection in It, and He Has a Zit
Actor #1: Shit! Shit! Fuck! Motherfucking son of a bitch!
Actor #2: He's just mad because Britney shaved her head.
--Ripley-Grier Studios
Overheard by: Cara
Funny, I Don't Feel Welcome
Guy #1: Welcome to Earth. [Guy #2 doesn't hear him.] Welcome to Earth.
Guy #2: What?
Guy #1: Are you okay? You from around here?
Guy #2: Yeah, I'm fine.
Guy #1: Okay, that's good. Welcome to Earth. [Guy #2 leaves.] Asshole.
--C train
Overheard by: Ray
Without Drugs, Manhattan Would Cease to Exist
Worker #1: I just took a Xanax.
Worker #2: I just took a Vicodin.
Worker #1: Wow, we're like a little pharmacy back here.
Worker #2: Yeah, my back really hurts.
Worker #1: Yeah, my life hurts.
--Think Coffee, Mercer St
Overheard by: kevin
Or Does That Mean Rain's Coming? I Can Never Remember
French hipster girl: I got allergies in New York.
Hipster boy: How can you tell they're allergies and not a cold? I mean, it's winter.
French hipster girl: Well, I know because the back of my thong is itchy.
--JFK
You Can Do It, You Just Can't Talk about It
Boyfriend: I would never go ass to mouth.
Girlfriend: I like to call my ass area the 'danger zone.'
Boyfriend: It is. There is serious bacteria there, and you shit out of it. I mean, how do you know that person didn't just have diarrhea?
Girlfriend: You are the most disgusting person alive.
--42nd & Broadway
My Wig's about to Achieve Liftoff
Old white woman: Oh, it's so windy today!
Black girl: Word. My weave's about to blow off my head.
Old white woman: I hear that.
--M66 bus
Drugging Miss Daisy
Old lady: You know, I never liked the word 'black.' I much preferred 'colored' -- it makes more sense. See, you're not black, you're brown like the color of toast.
Nurse: Ah, um, I'm just here to give you your meds.
--Albert Einstein Hospital
New Yorkers Hate Fascists, but They Tolerate Communists
Little boy spinning DVD rack: Die, ugly people! Die! Die, ugly people!
Mom: Stop that!
Little boy: Die, millionaires, die!
--Duane Reade, 7th Ave & Flatbush, Brooklyn
You're the Worst Agent I've Ever Had
Korean girl: I just can't stand it when they have an Asian fetish. Grosses me out.
Suit: Well, maybe you should stop being a stripper.
--46th & 10th
Overheard by: Chris
Food and I Have Agreed to Date Other People
Chick #1: Did you eat anything tonight?
Chick #2: No. I haven't been eating much lately, but not in the unhealthy way.
--Bowery & Spring
Define "Try"
Thug #1: All I'm saying is that you need to try before you buy.
Thug #2: What are you talking about?
Thug #1: 'Cause you thought a dude in drag was a cute chick. Twice.
--W 87th & Amsterdam
Blaming Everything on PMS Is #2
Thugette #1: Man, where the fuck am I gonna get a prom dress and after-party outfit? You know, I should just sell crack! Ain't nobody gonna stop me!
Thugette #2: Yeah, that's the best part about being a girl.
--Q46 bus
Overheard by: DaraDay
Headline by: Zorak
Runners-Up:
· "By the way, are you free to babysit that night?" - bobofthejungle
· "Miracle of birth ain't got nothin' on pushin'" - Erin
· "Sugar and Crack and Everything Whack" - The Trayster
· "The Third Wave of Feminism Wants Its Money, Bitch" - clevecinema
· "Well, Other Than the Multiple Orgasms..." - Teppy
Click here to see the new Headline Contest
Although I Hear They Serve You Cocktails
Teen girl #1: Having a disease must suck.
Teen girl #2: Yeah. If I had AIDS, I would die.
--Union Square
Overheard by: Snoopy
Unlike Frozen Penises
Girl #1: Oh my god, I need something cold and sweet in my mouth, like, now! Like, a frozen sugared penis!
Girl #2: Oooh! With Splenda on it?!
Girl #1: Oh, no! I so do not eat that. Splenda is tested on animals!
--MacDougal St
Overheard by: SarahC
Play Halo until I Have a Seizure
Elementary schooler #1: Next week you can come and sleep over. And you know what I'm gonna do?
Elementary schooler #2, quivering with excitement: No, what?
Elementary schooler #1: The same thing as last time! [Both start giggling.]
--F train
Overheard by: I wish they could quit that
Wednesday One-Liners: a Tradition of Heritage
History buff: So, you've heard about the Boston Tea Party, right? So, what happened is this guy, Christopher Columbus, is sailing around looking for the West Indies but instead finds America. He goes back to mother England and tells them all about it, and mother England sends over all the prostitutes and criminals. So England forgets all about America, but when they check back in, all those criminals survived -- they prospered -- so mother England's like, 'You gotta pay taxes now.' But the criminals say, 'Hey, we didn't ask to get sent here anyway. We're not paying nothing.' And that's how it happened, son. You'll learn about it in high school.
--F train, Brooklyn
Overheard by: baffled colonial historian
Loud hobo: Four score and seven years ago, there were no lesbians in this country.
--V platform, 52nd St
Overheard by: HelloClairice & Lara
History professor, about the textile ban in India: If you remember Gandhi the movie... or not just Gandhi the movie, but I guess Gandhi the man, too...
--Fordham University
Overheard by: Katie
Queer: Yeah, I mean, the French Revolution was really... a great revolution. To have abolished laws against sodomy that early in history says something about the French.
--Sushi Yasuda
Overheard by: Belinos
Highly-qualified History teacher: You mean, slavery ended in the late 19th century? I just told a kid that's when it started!
--6 train, Harlem
Wednesday One-Liners Are Like Gay Church
20-ish guy to pal: I didn't go to the gym today, and I feel so liberated!
--W 25th & 10th
Overheard by: Gerry Visco
Stylish guy on cell: Well, yeah, I'm completely insane, but I'm in great, great, great shape!
--Christopher & 7th
Overheard by: robadob
Russian thug: Man, I don't know how I'm going to have enough energy for the gym and sex tonight!
--Subway, near Brighton Beach
Overheard by: lk!
Guido pointing to his wifebeater: These things only last you so long. First time, you know, you wear it to the club, it's still tight and shit. Second time you wear it around the house. Third time, that's when you wear it to the gym. Then you throw it out! Wear a new one back to the club!
--NYC gym
Personal trainer lady: I was up in Greenwich training Mary Tyler Moore... Yeah, she's old, but rockin' bod.
--Metro-North train, 125th St
Overheard by: DrJones
Smoker guy: We should train for the marathon!
--50th & 6th
A Spew of Wednesday One-Liners
Guy to girlfriend: I just threw up Captain Crunch for you! I just tossed some Rice Krispies!
--BED club
Overheard by: Vikas
Suit on cell: No, I didn't say you vomited on your shoes, I said who vomited on your shoes!
--14th & 6th
JAP: Honestly, if I have to hear about one more candlelight vigil for Darfur I might throw up.
--8th & University
Girl to guy: Oh my god, I could totally throw up on you right now.
--Baruch College, 25th & Lex
Angry mom holding small plastic bag under small boy's mouth: Vomit! Vomit! Vomit! Vomit!
--W 57trh St
Overheard by: Susan Volchok
Wednesday One-Liners Get the Brushoff
Lady on cell: I'm not high maintenance -- I just brush my teeth!
--F train
Overheard by: AmityAmity
Big guy on cell: My son swore to us when he was 15 that he would name his first child Toofbrush. He's 21 now and I remind him of that every day... Who the hell knows? Every time I searched his room I found enough pot to cure the whole world's glaucoma.
--JetBlue flight 11
Overheard by: Big Larry
Woman on cell: So, wait... The plastic surgeon had his teeth removed?
--12th & 1st
Overheard by: Grace
Girl on cell: I think I forgot my toothpaste at home. Can you mail it to me tomorrow?
--LIRR
Overheard by: Meg
Woman: In 25 minutes you can bake 24 cupcakes. In that time you can take a shit or brush your teeth.
--Apartment 138, Cobble Hill, Brooklyn
Overheard by: Hmmm... do I still want those cupcakes?
Junkie to stoned girlfriend: Yo, you lucky I know somethin' 'bout teeth or else you woulda ain't had no teeth left. I woulda put a shot in yo' mouth, I woulda took out all yo' teeth, and put a box in yo' mouth.
--1 train
Overheard by: Lauren Marks
All Wednesday One-Liners and No Action
Dude to woman: You can't talk about the second dimension, but you can talk about sewing?!
--12th & 4th
Overheard by: Joy
Asian woman to boyfriend: I am not going to talk about having a threesome with you and your clone on the train!
--Brooklyn-bound F train
Overheard by: Ann
Chick on cell: ... Talking about the apocalypse, but they were really laid back people.
--Barnard College
Lady: I can't even talk to you for seven minutes, and you're about to be my husband!
--Union Square
Overheard by: Cody Lister
Woman on cell: I know you're full of muscle relaxants and want to chat, but I can't talk right now. Just take a picture of it and email it to me.
--57th & 6th
Overheard by: Withnail
Girl: Oh! Funny story -- I was talking to my therapist about suicide yesterday...
--13th & 6th
Overheard by: gigglesnort
Wednesday One-Liners, Now in Wide and Narrow Sizes
Woman: I do better in a wig than I do in flat shoes.
--125th St station
Chick: So, last night I ended up drinking a lot. I woke up this morning with bowling shoes on. My regular shoes were gone...
--Columbia University
Overheard by: Sully
Little boy: Mommy, those boots are a fashion no-no.
--N train
Eight-year-old boy: I like his shoes. Someone get me a knife!
--Bronx-bound 1 train
Bimbette: It's like stripping is, like, the new Ugg boot.
--14th & 1st
Overheard by: Laura Hughes
10-year-old boy: Let's get some shoes. Oh my god, shoes!
--Midtown
Woman to man: If you're hot enough to wear shorts, you're not cool enough to wear boots. It's a double standard.
--Broadway, near Wall St
Overheard by: Just right, apparently
Wednesday One-Liners Always Win the Limbo Contest
Girl to small friend: We'll just call you 'It.'
--Mercer & Prince
Overheard by: NYU Frosh Hater
Guy handing out Sovereign Bank bags: Free bags! Get your free shopping bag! This is the strongest bag you will ever see. It is so strong, it will hold... a small midget!
--5th Ave
Short girl: Whenever I go to these bars, I feel like everybody's midget cousin.
--Bar, 53rd & 2nd
Midget to another: ... And I told them I would work for them again but they couldn't throw me around anymore.
--Bar, UES
Man: If he is out there exploiting himself he's a midget, but if he gets up in the morning and puts on a suit and goes to work I'll call him a little person.
--DeKalb & Kent Ave
Short, chubby woman on cell: I am not an Oompah loompa!
--Broadway & Houston
Overheard by: Rachel P
Wednesday One-Liners Take Root
Guy: He totally harassed my mother into getting a haircut. It was basically like rape. Except, you know, with a haircut.
--6 train
Overheard by: Always Amazed
20-something: It's one of those bars in Williamsburg that you can't get in unless you have a mustache.
--Brooklyn-bound L train
College girl: Do you want glow-in-the-dark body hair?
--LIRR, Penn Station
Overheard by: catherine
Chick in elevator: I don't complain about stuff. Well, maybe my hair, but only because my hair is, like, really, really important!
--NYU Palladium
Tourist dad braiding wife's hair: ... And that's what they mean by 'nappy-headed hos.'
--Central Park South
Overheard by: eric
Chick with Pirate Queen playbill: Besides, you could tell that the other clan wasn't going to get very far, because the clan leader just didn't have very good hair.
--44th & 9th
Overheard by: Rose Fox
Flight attendant: Everyone, please remain seated until the captain turns off the 'Fasten seatbelt' sign. That includes annoying little girls with dark brown, curly hair.
--JetBlue flight, JFK
Wednesday One-Liners, Now with 10 Percent More Stank
Suit in sunglasses: This entire platform smells like a hitherto unknown species of ass.
--D train platform, 34th St
Aging hipster on cell: At worst, you emit a general smell. If people notice it, I don't think they associate it with you.
--Worth St & W Broadway
Loud woman: Yo, where you at? I can smell your breath, but I can't see your face!
--Shoe store