Violating the Rules Set Forth at the Geneva Convention

Late twenties girl: Were you part of that food fight Friday night?
Early thirties guy: Yeah, I got hit with a buttered roll. Someone actually buttered the roll before they threw it.

--6 train

Overheard by: Erica

Let Me Rephrase That.

Trader #1: Is she ok with that price?
Trader #2: Yeah, we have a great relationship. She'll take it in the end.

--777 3rd Ave

You're Sure This Is a Good Anniversary Present for My Wife?

Metrosexual: Do you think she's a Volvic kind of girl or more of a Poland Spring or Crystal Geyser?
Girlfriend: Ummm, I see her as a Volvic... Maybe not.
Metrosexual: I think I'll go with Poland Spring. I hope she likes it.
Girlfriend: I hope you're right.

--Deli, 36th & 8th

Overheard by: Maybe she likes the Hudson...

Back When I Was Only a Slut's Apprentice

Chick: I had such a hard time when I lived here. People were always calling me a slut. Always, always, always, always.
Guy standing next to her: Yeah?

--Outside the W Hotel, 17th & Park

Overheard by: Will

We Only Regret Having to Reach Our Destination

Woman #1: What the fuck are you pushing me for? You think you own this damn train, get the fuck off of me!
Man: Miss, I was just...
Woman #1: Just fucking what? I don't need to be feeling your ass up against my hands, nigga!
Woman #2: Honey, just...
Woman #1: Bitch, you just shut up! All you motherfuckers, stop looking this way, this doesn't involve y'all!
Conductor over PA: Good afternoon, I hope everyone is having an enjoyable ride home...

--Downtown 4 train, pm rush hour

Overheard by: Vinnie

Pretty Soon You'll Hear the Pitter Patter of Tiny Sheets

Semi-sober girl: You going home to sleep it off?
Drunk girl: I'm gonna go home and make love to my bed... Make little cots...

--Bar, Bay Ridge

Overheard by: tea

At Least She's Reading

Ghetto chick: Excuse me! Excuse me! What's the name of the towers that got knocked down?
Incredulous passerby: Umm . . . The World Trade Center.
Ghetto chick to thug boyfriend: See! I told you it wasn't none of that twin towers. You thinking of Lord of the Rings.

--Vesey St

And If Anybody Else Wants It

Chick: What the hell you doin' goin' around hittin' on other women?
Boyfriend: It ain't like that! It ain't like that!
Chick: What's the matter witchoo?! [Slaps him.]
Boyfriend: I just want to know if I still got it!

--Meatpacking District

One of the Feral Children of the Subway System

School child #1: Yo, Tupac is still alive.
School child #2: Yeah, I heard that, too. I heard he's strippin'. He's a stripper in LA.

A small child with them gets off train.

Old woman: Get back on the train! [Small child gives her the finger with both hands and runs away.]
School child #1: Yo, who is that kid?
School child #2: I don't know. I saw him in the bathroom. He was takin' a shit and he came out and smiled at me... And that's how I know him.

--G train

How Do You Explain That Martha Stewart's Alive?

Child: Look, Mommy, that lady looks like Daddy's computer.
Mother: Which one?
Child: The one he has in his office.

--Seaman & Cumming

Fine, Get All Master Po on Me

Mom, in Chinese: One bubble tea.
Daughter: Why do you know Chinese?
Mom: Why don't you?

--Main St

Or You're Harvey Fierstein

Woman: I got yoo-hooed just now by Greg.
Man: Yoo-hooed?
Woman: Yeah, he totally waved his hand and said, 'Yoo-hoo!'
Man: Dude, you just can't say that if you're under the age of 65 and not referring to a chocolate beverage.

--Central Park

I Got the Ring On, but Doctors Say the Finger Is Lost

Engaged girl: Oh my god, who did what with it?
Married girl: I squeezed it until it was blue.

--6th Ave & Carmine

Overheard by: Rachel

Important Safety Tip -- Thanks, Crackarella

Bus driver: I have a headache.
Female passenger: It's the color television. It messes with your brain and gives you headaches. I watch it wearing sunglasses so it doesn't affect me.

--BX 12 bus

From Hemingway's Unpublished "Big Two-Headed Dildo"

Thug #1: Yo, what are you doing walking behind me?
Thug #2: I don't know.
Thug #1: Yo, what are you doing? Nobody walks behind me... Unless it's my girl... with a dildo.

--78th & 2nd

Overheard by: MLM

With Ethnic Cleansing at a Close Second.

Princess #1: I had to run to the cafeteria and get fro-yo because my stomach was growling in class! How embarrassing is that?
Princess #2: Oh my god. That is my worst nightmare.

--Fordham University Rose Hill

Overheard by: stine

Really? Is My Face Red!

White chick to black chick: That's a cute bag. It would be, if it were real.
Black chick: Bitch, it ain't fake, it's stolen!

--14th & 8th

Look, We're Just Having a Private Moment at the Top of My Lungs

Big black woman to son: I'm gonna smack you so hard, you're gonna taste it!
Son, wailing: I don't want to taste it!
Passerby: I don't want to taste it either.

--74th St-Roosevelt Ave station

It's Your Responsibility As a Pirate-American

Angry guy #1: I was like, 'The next time some guy says he won't hire me 'cause I got a record, I'm gonna rob him on the spot!'
Angry guy #2: Damn right!

--6 train

It's Art If I Say It Is, Damn It!

Girl: I can't believe you did that! Why would you erase one of my songs from my computer?
Boy: Because I hate Jack Johnson! Anyway, you've erased some of my art on the computer.
Girl: Do you mean those pictures you took of yourself scowling with no shirt on?

--13th & Ave A

Overheard by: Lark

And She Shows Up for It

Girl #1: Where was Liz last night?
Girl #2: Oh, you didn't hear?
Girl #1: Hear what?
Girl #2: She went to her boyfriend's grandmother's 82nd birthday!
Girl #1: Oh, that's sweet. Why are you so upset by that?
Girl #2: Her boyfriend's grandmother died four years ago! Apparently the family has been celebrating it every year! They have a cake with candles and everything.

--16th & 7th

Are You Okay with Sarcastic Sneering?

Guy handing out fliers: Do you like stand-up comedy?
Goth girl: No! I hate happiness!

--Times Square

Overheard by: A

Surrendering to Your Fate Will Be Sweet, Though

Girl: It's this way.
Guy: Are you sure?
Girl: I know where all the Jamba Juice is.
Guy: Are.
Girl: What?
Guy: Are. You know where all the Jamba Juice are.
Girl: Is.
Guy: Are! Each franchise is a separate entity!
Girl: Is! They're all part of single collective!
Guy: Jamba Juice is not the Borg!

--50th & Broadway

What? My Long Line Jokes Kill at Caroline's

Construction guy: Can't we move this line a little faster? This line isn't moving anywhere. What's with this line?
Lady: Here, you can go ahead of me.
Construction guy: I'm using humor, lady. This is just humor. I'm not serious here. [Gets in front of her in line.]

--4th St

Overheard by: the girl who fainted at Starbucks

I'm Not Gay, but I Don't Much Like Men

Little sis: I don't know. I'm just really confused. Like, how am I supposed to know what I want in a guy? You know? Like, what's your perfect guy?
Big sis: One with 6 weeks to live.
Little sis: Huh?
Big sis: Nevermind... God, that would be great, though.

--1 train platform, 23rd St

They See Themselves As Very-Low-Fat Peaches

Flabby hipster #1: She had that anorexic fuzz on her neck.
Flabby hipster #2: Ew!
Flabby hipster #3: No, that's bulimic fuzz.
Flabby hipster #1: It's for both.
Flabby hipster #2: That is gross. You would think that having that fuzz would be some incentive to eat.

--F train

And Then Fail Them... Oh, Wait

Student: Do I need to do the math extra credit project?!
Teacher: Yes, because on Friday when you come to me and ask if you are failing, I'm gonna laugh at you. Then you will go home and tell your family that I laughed at you. Then they will come up to school and yell at me and I'll laugh at them.

--Forest Hills school

Overheard by: laughing my ass off at my classmate

Should the Chain Be Stronger Than Your Neck?

Teen thug #1: You spent a thousand dollas on that chain?!
Teen thug #2: Yeah.
Teen thug #1: A thousand dollas? On that bullshit?!
Teen thug #2: This is titanium, son! Ain't nothin' stronger than this!

--3 train, 125th St

Overheard by: vegannramember@gmail.com

Grandma Has Just Two Settings

Girl #1: Actually, my mom ran into your grandmother the other day near here.
Girl #2: Oh, really? Was my grandmother nice to her or was she a raving bitch?
Girl #1: Oh. I don't know.

--7th & Christopher

I Knew I Shouldn't Have Worn This Shirt Again.

Nice guy #1: Hey, miss, would you like my seat?
Preggers: No.
Nice guy #2: Here, take mine. I'm getting off soon.
Preggers: For the love of God, I fucking said no! People these days gotta learn themselves some English.

--Bronx-bound 4 train

Now I'm a Jerk

Mother: You were a jerk for years.
Son: No, I was a cokehead. There's a huge difference.

--F train

Overheard by: Shaun Laika

Guess You Haven't Interviewed in a While

Hobo to male passerby: Spare change? Anything helps -- God bless.
Passerby: Get a job.
Hobo: Get on your knees and give me a job!

--72nd & Broadway

Or Some Such Numbery Amount

Cashier: She gave you twelve dollars? Twenty dollars? Just give her back eleventeen.

--Rite Aid, 50th & 8th

Overheard by: maribeth

I Could Build a Casino, Then Rob It

Thug: So, if I'm half black and half American Indian, that makes me Puerto Rico.
Thugette: I told you that you was Puerto Rican.

--149th & 3rd, Bronx



Headline by: Mariya

Runners-Up:
· "Actually, it makes you unemployed" - Mr. Bone
· "Bitch, don't be callin' me no adjectival form!" - was "rico"/"rican" the first thing you noticed too?
· "Dora the Explorer: South Bronx Edition" - Scott
· "Runs With Hookers didn't excel in Ethnic Studies" - bri b
· "The new theory of relativity" - sara swank


Click here to see the new Headline Contest

I'm Told That Work Is Also an Excellent Distraction

Hipsterette #1: I just don't know what to do!
Hipsterette #2: Just be an artist, baby. Paint it out. Paint all your emotions out.

--S 1st & Havemeyer, Williamsburg

Because You're Worth It

Cropped girl #1: Why doesn't Dawn have any other friends?
Cropped girl #2: Would you hang out with her?
Long-haired girl: Yes. She has long, shiny hair.
Cropped girl #1: Well, you are easier than other people.
Cropped girl #2: This is why she is our friend.
Long-haired girl: But neither of you has long, shiny hair.
Cropped girl #2: But I did when you first met me.
Long-haired girl: And that has held over.

--13th St & Ave A

Overheard by: Lola

What's His Job? Discuss

Girl: Why are you wearing cowboy boots?
Guy walking other way: I just got off work.
Girl, to friend: Did that guy just call me a whore?

--East Village

Overheard by: James Triggs

Wednesday One-Liners Leave Track Marks

Former Broadway ingenue: He injects silicone into his penis and testicles. He has for years.

--A-list Broadway party

Overheard by: kgrahams

Wannabe policy maker: They should have umbrella exchange centers. You know, like needle exchanges.

--Washington Square South

Overheard by: Lacey

Dad: You want to get arrested? Brian, put those syringes down. If you want to get high, go outside and find some mothafucka on the street.

--Emergency room, Beth Israel

Overheard by: Coughing in the Ghetto Israel

Ditz: I love hepatitis shots!

--Penn Station

Overheard by: Salmon Slap

Hipster chick on cell: Yeah, you should probably get a rabies shot for that... And a pap smear.

--Washington Square Park

Your Weekly Re-Up of Wednesday One-Liners

Bike messenger screaming to another: That's why I love you. Because you support my drug habit!

--3rd Ave & 10th St

Five-year-old with mother: I'm gonna get get get you hiiiigghh!

--10th & Broadway

Overheard by: evanescent

Mom to three-year-old daughter: Sit up! Sit up! Are you on crack?

--2 train, the Bronx

Overheard by: MK

Professor: I remember this one acid trip...

--NYU, Silver Center

Overheard by: Limey

Stoner dude: I get high to get high. I don't expect much, but it passes time and it kills hangovers.

--17th & 8th

Overheard by: Lara

Thugette on pimped-out cell: Honey, I told yo' ass before, I'll tell you again: once a nigga puts rims on his Fed-Ex truck, you know he's a drug dealer

--36th Ave station, Astoria

Overheard by: Akojam Milas

Wednesday One-Liners Stay Hydrated

Clerk: My water tastes like the soup we had yesterday. And I can't decide whether to keep drinking it or not.

--Housing Works Bookstore

Overheard by: Tommy Raiko

Buppie on cell: Listen, I'll come over, we'll brew some tea, and then we'll get hammered.

--Washington Square

Overheard by: Justine

Guy's guy: My 19th birthday is Monday... Yeah, I think I'm gonna cry... I don't know, I've been crying a lot lately. Like, I was reading a Times Book Review the other day, and at the end I just started crying... I know! I think it's all the soy milk I've been drinking.

--Washington Square Park

Overheard by: Mbeezers

Black lady: Cold water here! Cold water! Come and get your cold water! Black people, come and get your cold water from a sista. Jewish people, come and get your cold water, it's kosher.

--Union Square

Overheard by: alana landa

Professor: I completely understand if anyone feels like committing suicide after this class. Or drinking a pint of whiskey. Both are appropriate responses.

--Fordham University Rose Hill

Overheard by: raqqy

Short guy in lavender polo: And I just flewww that cranberry juice right up to that wedding!

--Canal St

RA to freshman: Forties are like the new Cristal. They're economic... They're sociable... And yeah, yeah that's it.

--Columbia freshman dorm lounge

Overheard by: Columbia Freshman

Wednesday One-Liners Start to Sizzle

Guy to his terrified date: Damn, I want to do you. Really, we should go back to my place. We're hot, we'd be hot together, people would pay to watch us fuck.

--Union Square

Security guard to teen boy who set off the metal detector: Whoa, drop it like it's hot, baby.

--Checkpoint at JFK

Ghetto teen: Nigga said his penis was hotter than a microwave.

--A train, 168 St

Late-20s woman on cell: Am I getting old? Not picking up hot Frenchmen who offer me drugs?

--The Four Seasons

Overheard by: Wild Dog Boy

Chick on cell: Yes, but you're a hot creepy stranger.

--Harlem

Overheard by: Ladle

Wednesday One-Liners Will Just Buy A Bigger Air Conditioner

Bearded intellectual: So apparently a hundred and thirty scientists worldwide have decided that there is such a thing as climate change and that we are causing it. I have to write an article on it, and it's my job to bury it. 'Cause this is gonna be all over the news. Well, let's hope for global warming, because then we'll all have beach-front property.

--6 train

Overheard by: tanechka

Middle-aged guy on cell: I am happy to announce that there is no global warming!

--Columbus Circle

Overheard by: It was 70 degrees in January...

Girl reading an ad on a bus stop: Do nothing... Save the world from global warming... I definitely prefer the former.

--Broadway near Lincoln Center

Climate change enthusiast: If this is global warming, bring it on. Bring it on!

--79th & Park

Man on cell: I just wanted to let you know that in light of global warming, I'm no longer going to be using toilet paper, like Sheryl Crow.

--58th & 7th

Overheard by: freckles

American Airlines pilot, landing after a blizzard: Well, we've just received word from the tower that global warming has been called off.

--JFK

Overheard by: Soapnana

Wednesday One-Liners Express Themselves

Woman running down the stairs: Hold the doors! Oh, God, please hold the doors! Please! [Doors close, train pulls away.] Why? Whyyy?!

--A train

Overheard by: Rose Fox

Hobo to man running for the train: You better run faster! That's the last train in the world!

--W 4th Street A/C/E platform

Overheard by: Curly Ku

Student: Yo mama is so dumb that when she needs to take the 4 train, she takes the 2 train twice!

--Brooklyn Tech High School

Overheard by: Gazoo

Tourist to friends: Ok, so, we're headed downtown right now, and in a couple stops we'll transfer to the express.

--A train express, between 34th & 42nd

Tourist woman: Why is it called an express train? All it does is skip stops.

--4 train at Fulton St

Chick to guy: Don't tell me that bull! Don't pull that on the A train!

--Manhattan-bound A train, Brooklyn

Overheard by: chudoc324

Wednesday One-Liners Shoulda Looked It Up

Coworker: Heiser... Wasn't that Hitler's last name?

--Public library

Overheard by: Apparently I'm related to that guy

Lady in line: What's the difference between french fries and cheese fries?

--Shake Shack

Overheard by: cheese connoisseur

Confused German tourist: Is this the meatloaf district?

--14th & 9th

Overheard by: blistexaddict

Guy: What is the opposite of September?

--Law firm, Lexington Avenue

Girl: Wait... Was Hurricane Katrina a tsunami?

--Francis School, Staten Island

Clueless girl to captain of the schooner Adirondack: So, like, is Adirondack a girl's name or something?

--Hudson River

Overheard by: glad I'm not her daughter

Woman leaving the subway: I still don't get it. Is the subway a train or a bus?

--Museum of Natural History subway station

Overheard by: dinoman

Wednesday One-Liners and the N-Word

Black woman: Move, nigga! Shit, if Kramer can say it...

--Whole Foods, Union Square

Overheard by: Jillian B.

Salesperson to customer: C'mon nigga, just buy this fucking thing, you know you want it.

--Radio Shack, 225th St

Overheard by: charles elliot

Black lady: So here I go doin' my thang, right, and I look up and this nigga here is eatin' a pickle... A pickle!

--NJ Transit into Penn Station

Overheard by: dirtyjersey

Thug: Yo, fuck you! You Pillsbury Doughboy punch-you-in-the-face-lookin' nigga!

--Grand St

Overheard by: Alex Remnick

Old woman: Nigga's tutti-frutti as a motherfucker.

--35th & 8th

14-year-old girl to friend:... And then my daddy called me a ho! Fuck that nigga!

--Spofford Ave, Hunts Point

Overheard by: number seven

Father: Come on, hurry your ass up, nigga. I mean... Hurry up... son.

--50th & Broadway

Wednesday One-Liners Have