Get the 10 best quotesby e-mail weekly!
What's Important Is the Up and Down
NYU girl #1, during fire alarm: Whoa, look! There's an elevator. Maybe it's going to dump water on the building to put out the fire.
NYU girl #2: Wait... What?
NYU girl #1: Did I say elevator? I meant helicopter. Whatever.
--Washington Square Park
High Expectations Can Have Unintended Consequences
Kindly gent: What do you want to be when you grow up?
Little kid: Retarded!
Kindly gent: Retarded?
Little kid: My grandpa is retarded, and he gets to play and watch TV all day!
Kindly gent: [Stunned silence.]
Kid's mom, embarrassed: He means 'retired.'
Little kid: Retarded! Retarded! Retarded! I wanna be retarded! [Starts to cry.]
--Washington & Water St
She Can't Afford Not To
Hippie #1: Girl, I think it might be beneficial for me to go to therapy.
Hippie #2: Oh, you should go to the girl my friend uses -- it's only 20 bucks a session!
Hippie #1: Then why does she still cut herself?
--E 60th & Madison
Like an Explosion in a Vat of Cottage Cheese
50-ish woman: ... And the chaps covered his front, but his whole backside was out for the world to see.
20-ish woman: Oooh!
50-ish woman: No, honey. There was no 'Oooh' about it.
--116th & Broadway
Overheard by: AdHoculi
Enjoying It?
Chick #1: You know how people will, like, tell their parents a bunch of really horrible lies to make whatever they need to tell them seem not as bad?
Chick #2: Yeah...
Chick #1: I think that's what I'm gonna do.
Chick #2: What's worse than getting pregnant, dropping out of school, and moving to Jersey?
--3 train
4' 10" -- Look It Up
Sixth grader #1: When I grow up, I'm going to make a movie called The Tallest Midget!
Sixth grader #2: Nigga, you stupid.
--Triboro coach
Overheard by: face
How Wily Odysseus Escaped the Island of Calypso
Conductor on PA: Excuse me, ma'am, maybe it would work better if you went to the next door -- it's less crowded. [Lady walks to next door, but before she gets there the conductor closes them.] Haha, bitch! Toot, toot!
--Crowded 2 train
Overheard by: CeLia
An Aunt Who Visits You Once a Month
Ghetto kid: Real gangstas get it down on the flo', on the flo'.
Nerdy kid: What's a flo'?
--Info Tech High
Overheard by: mary alice v.
That Gerbil's Got a Bad Case of Wanderlust
Hipster chick: I have to start a new band... But this time, no sleeping with everyone.
Hipster guy: That's going to be hard for you.
Hipster chick: I know. I have a hard time keeping it in my pants.
--14th & 5th, Park Slope
Just Slowly Back Away from the Terrifying Foreign Person
Barista: Sir, you can pay for the juice over there.
Middle-aged Brit: But I bought it.
Barista: No you didn't.
Middle-aged Brit: Yes, I did -- at another place.
Barista: Yeah, oookay [rolls eyes].
Middle-aged Brit: I really did.
Barista: Yeah, oookay.
Middle-aged Brit: What the fuck is your problem?
Barista: Well, you just stole juice, and you're being an ass, so you can leave now.
Middle-aged Brit: Excuse--
Old lady Brit: --Alexander, just stop talking! He could shoot you!
--Starbucks, Fashion District
Overheard by: only in new york
That's What You Said about Your Unwanted Pregnancy
Drunk girl: Can you put my phone in your pocket?
Friend: But your pants have pockets!
Drunk girl: No, they don't! That's just a glitch in the matrix!
--2 train
You Paint Such a Vivid Picture with Words
Sorostitute #1: ... And I was like, 'Uhhh!' And she was like 'Uhhh!' And of course he wanted to come back to the apartment.
Sorostitute #2: Oh my god, I know!
--7th & 1st, East Village
So Gay It's Straight
Long-haired dude: You penised his penis with your penis!
Creepy chick: Dude! That's, like, penis cubed!
Long-haired dude: Damn. How many penises is that?
Creepy chick: Well, three. Penis times penis times penis. Duh.
--56th & Lex
Overheard by: i never passed math
What? I Got the "Special" Expansion Pack
White boy #1: Am I the big, hairy guy?
White boy #2: No, you're the guy with the assless chaps.
--During game of XBox 360 Guitar Hero, Apartment, Ave D
Do You Think There Are People Who Only Need Haircuts?
Blonde #1: So, in the morning I had my STD test, then in the afternoon I had therapy, and then I had a haircut in the evening.
Blonde #2: Perfect. You cleansed your mind and body.
--10th & Washington
But He Was Too Busy Watching The Notebook to Listen to Me
Young hipster: Remember that guy you used to work with -- Carl?
Young suit: Yeah, I always hated that guy.
Young hipster: I saw him the other night, and he was telling me he was going to get 'Hopeless romantic' tattooed on his knuckles. I was like, 'Dude, you cheated on your girlfriend and you have a pending rape case -- maybe you shouldn't get that tattoo.'
--N train
If Only!
Man: What? Little Richard isn't gay, is he?
Lady: No, he isn't gay. Isn't Little Richard's daughter Nicole Richie?
--Video store, 14th & Ave A
Overheard by: Such a pretty me baby!
I Bought Last Time!
Girl: Don't you feel bad?
Guy: About what?
Girl: For one, you're in your girlfriend's jeans, her jacket, her flats, and her fucking pearls. And second...
Guy: And second what?
Girl: You got fucked by three different guys in the two days she's been out of town.
Guy: If I suck so much, why the fuck are we friends?
Girl: 'Cause when she is out of town, I have my own little gay Barbie doll and fashion expert all in one. And it's your turn to buy the manicures.
--72nd & 1st
Overheard by: Julie
What Do You Put on Your Ritz?
Teen girl #1: I broke up with him because of his smegma. It was out of control.
Teen girl #2: What the fuck?
Teen girl #1: He had severe dick cheese.
Teen girl #2, loudly: Wait -- so he had cheese growing on his dick?! Ewww!
Man next to them, laughing: Where are the crackers when you need 'em, eh?
--Roosevelt Ave station
Found I Could Live without It. If You Can Call It Living.
Man #1: You look good! Something must be treating you right.
Man #2: It's the lack of sex.
--Galaxy Diner
Overheard by: Lalaith
That Was Probably the Drugs Taped to My Butt
Woman #1: You aren't wearing stockings?
Woman #2: I would have a serious problem putting on lotion if I was.
Woman #1: Wow, you have a real tight ass. I could have sworn you were wearing stockings when I was patting down your ass this morning.
--LIRR
... For Money
Girl: Are you saying I'm a whore?
Guy: No, no, I'm just saying... [whispers].
Girl: You're saying I'm a whore!
Guy: No, I'm saying... [whispers].
Girl: I'm a girl who likes to watch porn and what? [Guy whispers.] I like to watch porn and what?
Guy, softly: ... Likes to watch porn and have sex.
--Menchanko restaurant, 45th & Lex
Overheard by: emily
Think That's Her Real Number?
Pudgy guy: I got her number.
Female friend: Oh, you did?! Wow, you must have been charming.
Pudgy guy: I know!
Female friend: I wouldn't give you my number.
Pudgy guy: Oh, I know... The alcohol helped.
--89th & 3rd
They Mostly "Work Out" on Poles While I Watch
Gym rat #1: Yeah, I go to a great gym... And it's not a fashion show like other places -- people are there to work out.
Gym rat #2: Yeah?
Gym rat #1: Yeah. And the girls there? Oh, man, they are so hot. That is the best thing about it.
--6 train platform, Union Square
Overheard by: rory solomon
I'm Just Saying
Teen girl: What would you do if I ever did that?
Boyfriend: I'd bite your clit off.
--Virgin megastore
Overheard by: angie
But How Can We Tell?
Father: You see, girls, there is an election coming up, and so far we have only had boring white men. This time we could have a black man or a woman as our president!
Four-year-old daughter: But Daddy, we're white!
Father: Yes, but we aren't boring.
--Metro-North train
Overheard by: Emily
Look, Just Don't Do Anything. With Anyone. Ever.
Sixth grader: Wait, I don't understand. When you have oral sex you don't take off your clothes, so how can you get AIDS?
Student teacher: Ummm...
--University Neighborhood Middle School
Overheard by: face
Honesty Cures It
Drunk goth chick to couple making out: Public displays of affection cause cancer!
Man, taking a break: Really?
Drunk goth chick: No. Just jealousy.
--9th & 3rd
She Says You Owe Her 50 Bucks
Hobo: Yo! Where you girls from?
White teen girl: Your mom.
Hobo: Whoa, nigga, that's crazy.
--Lincoln Center
Overheard by: Cface
Jesus: No, We're Cool Now
Teacher: Does anyone know what 'condemned' means? Okay, let me give you an example: The Jews condemned Jesus. [Everyone looks at only Jewish student in class, who then glares at the teacher.] Oh, I'm so sorry!
--Notre Dame Academy, Staten Island
Socrates: If You Think You Get It, You Don't Get It
Tourist #1: Our next vacation should be to Chicago. At least people there are normal.
Tourist #2: They are not normal.
Tourist #1: Why not?
Tourist #2: People from the Midwest just don't get it like we do -- we just get it.
Tourist #1: Yeah, I guess you're right. I think I get it.
Tourist #2: No, you don't.
--Times Square
The Credo Gets Rewritten So Quickly
Teacher: Who else can we write to who could have a positive impact on the environment?
Second grade boy #1: Donald Trump. [Class laughs.]
Teacher: No, he's right. Mr. Trump owns a lot of buildings in Manhattan.
Second grade girl: And the buildings use a lot of power because they're tall!
Second grade boy #2: But where does his power come from?
Second grade boy #1: Jesus.
Second grade girl: Nuh-uh. George Clooney.
--Elementary school, South Bronx
I've Been Trying to Help Lucky Get to the Cereal Bowl for Years
Info booth lady: I only have this map -- it's really not very helpful at all.
Tourist: Great! Thank you! This is exactly what I need!
--N train
No It Doesn't, and Quit Scratching My Balls
Thug #1: Too much curry, man.
Thug #2: You don't like curry?
Thug #1: Naw...
Thug #2: Yeah, it makes your balls itch.
--Indian spice store, 1st Ave, between 5th & 6th St
Overheard by: Anthony Recchia
Headline by: h
Runners-Up:
· "Be More Discerning Who You Bangalore" - Barry P.
· "He Prefers Ginger Who Makes Them Tingle, Instead." - Lizard
· "No, No, I'm Talking About the Spice, Not the Tim." - Katie
· "Why Else Do You Think Indians Wear Such Loose Pants?" - waphle
· "You Know, Just Because It Looks Like a Baby Powder Bottle..." - Herbie McHebrew
Click here to see the new Headline Contest
One Still Occasionally Meets a Lady of the Old School
Bimbette: Oh my god, and he totally had pubes all over his bed--
Irritated chick, interrupting: --What the fuck? Why the hell do you care if he had pubes all over his bed?!
Bimbette: ... I... Uh...
Irritated chick: Just shut up, bitch.
--Macy's
They Take Your Money and Don't Care If You Live or Die
JAP #1: It's like, I can't dance on the bar and dress slutty anymore. It's just not appropriate.
JAP #2: You did it in college all the time.
JAP #1: But college is different! College is like being in Vegas...
JAP #2: Yeah, for four years!
--Columbus Circle
Trichinosis Is God's Punitive Weapon of Choice
Jewish guy: I have to study a lot today.
Spanish guy: Dude, you had the whole weekend to study!
Jewish guy: I had the funeral, and I got food poisoning!
Spanish guy: I can understand the funeral, because, well... But the food poisoning is all your fault -- you ate pork and you're Jewish!
--Starbucks
Overheard by: liz
Engorged and Tingling Wednesday One-Liners
Drunk Brit with arm around ugly lady: Oh, Jesus, just walking is making me horny.
--10th & 2nd
Overheard by: emilia
Girlfriend to boyfriend: Your hair is making me horny.
--B train
Overheard by: Janelle
Guy in hoodie: I don't know -- rain gear just doesn't really turn me on.
--Williamsburg, Brooklyn
Overheard by: Ktg
Loud woman: According to recent research, a nine-month-old fetus can experience an erection.
--Bus to Staten Island
Chick on cell: ... And he was, like, rubbing his erection on me, and I was like, 'Dude, you're rubbing your erection on me...'
--Fordham University
Lady: What are horny men doing at Build-a-Bear, anyway?
--40th & 5th
Overheard by: don't wanna know
Wednesday One-Liners Ask Their Doctors about Valtrex
White girl: I hear you, sister. Why can't I have genital warts just like everybody else?!
--Mambi, 177th & Broadway
Lady suit: He's like, 'There's a new chemically-resistant strain of gonorrhea going around...' He said it's beginning to seriously affect his choice of lifestyle.
--5h Ave
Chick on cell: Well, my mom has the clap and my dad has herpes, so I don't know what that means for me.
--Graham & Conselyea, Brooklyn
Overheard by: imeyer
Lady on cell: I have had this cold for, like, two weeks now. I don't know -- maybe I have AIDS.
--28 bus, Flushing Main St
Woman on cell: It's not AIDS. No, Mom, I don't have gonorrhea, either. It's just some STD -- they just don't know what yet.
--Bank of America, 86th & Lex
Overheard by: Visiting Bostonian
Office girl: ... So I say to him, 'I'm not the one who's going around giving everyone herpes!' And he said, 'I don't see how that affects either one of us!' And at that point I snapped and just went off on him.
--47th & 3rd
Guy to girlfriend who stepped in huge, dirty puddle: Ewww, you just stepped in AIDS!
--W 4th St
Overheard by: Emily Leonard
Quick Draw Wednesday One-Liners
Young man to lady: So, Anthony told me you got machine gun titties...?
--42nd St station
Overheard by: interested
Crazy lady waving cane at laughing skateboarder: That's right! Run for your life, motherfucker! I'm on a hunt! And you're the prey!
--Outside Barnes & Noble, Astor Pl
Overheard by: Sputnik5
Ghetto chick: ... And then I got caught on a gun charge because my boyfriend pistol-whipped me when I was pregnant and I took the gun and chased him down the street with it. And you know that drug bust in far Rockaway last year? That shit was me! Haha... And my lawyer got me five years probation and now jail time -- he took care of me, ya know? And he was a Jew... You know them Jews -- all into they money and shit.
--E train
Little boy on scooter: I believe I can fly! I just got shot by the FBI!
--Lex & Broadway
Man, about freestyling partner: He was like the Mexican version of 50 Cent, 'cept his name was 537 pesos, and he don't need no gun -- all he gots is his burrito and a hot dog.
--D train, from Coney Island
Overheard by: jennievil
High school girl to her friend: If she didn't show up for the shooting, she is not going to show up for the bomb scare.
--F train
Digitally-Enhanced Wednesday One-Liners
Chick to friend: He took a picture of his nephew and made it ugly... You know, like, with Photoshop? And they're putting it on t-shirts and selling them!
--34th & Broadway
Overheard by: Jen
Angry employee on store intercom: Will the Easter Bunny please report to the photo center?
--Target, Queens
Overheard by: Chris
Girl: I want a picture of the Statue of Liberty's ass!
--Statue of Liberty
Chick on cell: We took photos down our shirts while we watched trannies dance.
--Columbia University
Overheard by: McFreaky
Suit: That woman is not pretty. She needs all the Photoshop she can get.
--Soho
Overheard by: robyn
Hipster: So, did you get any good pictures of the brie?
--75th & York
Overheard by: Maya D
Wednesday One-Liners Are Really More Verbal
Female coworker: Seven inches. That's seven inches I've had taken out.
--1250 Broadway
Crazy, wigged Puerto Rican chick: There are so many different personalities, you know? Fifty-one states, fifty-one different personalities.
--Outside Home Night Club, 27th St, between 10th & 11th
Queer on cell: Well, everyone wants to be number one... Until they are number one... Then they want to be number five.
--Union Square
Asian airline rep: To all passengers waiting for standby information on flight, chances of getting on airplane are zero to none. Please, no more asking.
--LaGuardia
Teen trying on jacket: How does this look on me, on a scale of one to ten, with five being the middle?
--Virgin Megastore
Overheard by: Raoul
Guy on cell: I have two, three, or four siblings...
--9th & 7th, Park Slope
Overheard by: you can never be too sure
Wednesday One-Liners Start a Love Train
Student: I just always assumed everyone's love of integrals.
--John Jay Hall, Columbia
Dude: I had her up against the wall and was all like, 'Jimmy cracked corn,' and shit. She was lovin' it.
--A train, 42nd St
Overheard by: Ilyse
Man: I did scream, 'I love you Lindsay Lohan!' when I saw her at the costume thing, but that's just 'cause everyone else was.
--20th & 5th
Man on cell: No, not that Jim. The Jim who loves acid and foie gras.
--Metropolitan & Union, Brooklyn
Overheard by: liza
Conductor: I know you've heard of the love boat. Well, this is the love train.
--Metro-North
Overheard by: Mark Schilsky
Guy to girlfriend at table of friends: You just love my average-sized cock!
--3rd & 2nd
Overheard by: Chuckles
Wednesday One-Liners Were Extras for the Thriller Video
Dude: I once saw Donald Sutherland get pushed up a flight of stairs by a ghost in a hotel in Toronto.
--Sheraton Hotel, 52nd & 7th
Overheard by: Matthew Rick
Queer: Vampires are sooo '80s.
--7th & 2nd
Overheard by: Esther
Wheelbo: I don't like to tell people this... But I'm a monster!
--72nd & Amsterdam
Bartender: If you touch the leprechaun, there is a fine.
--Brooklyn
Crazy guy on train: Those scheming connivers -- they send Romans and zombies after you.
--V train
Overheard by: other end of the train
Man asking friend in earnest: ... But where are you going to get that many werewolves?
--12th & 3rd
Overheard by: Marty
Hipster: All she needs is a vampire to keep her warm.
--30th & 3rd
Overheard by: buffy fan
Mortal Wednesday One-Liners
Loud old lady: I pray for death every day, because if you pray for death, you will never die.
--Metro-North train
Guy giving directions to friend: I think it's near the corner where we saw that lady get killed.
--W 32nd St, near 6th Ave
Overheard by: Personally, I would avoid that corner.
Man on cell: No, you have to hide the body.
--33rd & Madison
Overheard by: alex
Man on cell: I don't know! He just called me up and said that I owe him 50 grand and that he's coming to kill me... Yeah, I told him I have no idea what he's talking about, but he said he's coming to kill me anyway.
--77th & Broadway
Man, about his time in halfway house: Murderers are just the nicest people, you know? I mean, they really understand human suffering.
--F train
Shabby guy on cell: Why should I be the only man that never died from a piece of ass?
--55th & Madison