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C'mon, You Know I'm on the Cocaine and Celery Diet
Girl #1: Ow! Why does it hurt in my vein right here?
Girl #2: Maybe there's something stuck in it.
Girl #1: Stuck in it?! Like what?
Girl #2: I dunno, butter?
--Union Square
We've Determined You Might Accidentally Eat a Key
Chick: Excuse me, how much is it to use the computers?
Clerk: Two-fifty for 15 minutes.
Chick: So, how much is it for an hour?
Clerk: Ten dollars.
Chick: No, it's not!
Clerk: ... Yes, it is.
Chick: No way! It's not! Stop lying!
Clerk: You know what? You can't use the computers. Get out.
--Computer cafe, 7th Ave, Park Slope
Overheard by: Tech Monkey
Why Every Girl Needs a Slutty Friend
Teen girl: [Mumbles.]
Clerk: What?
Teen girl: [Speaks softly.]
Clerk: You're going to have to speak up.
Teen girl: [Leans over counter and mumbles.]
Clerk: What? What the fuck are those? [Yells to coworker] Tina*! Do we have any morning after pills? [Teen girl sprints out of store.]
--Crowded CVS
Or Glazing the Ham
Girl #1: I'd totally teabag him! Wait, what's the female equivalent of teabag?
Girls #2 & #3: Hmmm...
Queer #1: I dunno -- what do you call it when someone dangles lunch meat in your face?
Queer #2: Roast beef curtains?
Girls: Ewww!
Queer #1: No, no, wait! It's a cold cut swipe!
Everyone: Ewww!
--JFK
Overheard by: K to tha B
My Secret: I Hide Tequila under My Traffic Cones
Middle-aged crossing guard lady #1: G'mornin', sweetheart! You look tired!
Middle-aged crossing guard lady #2: Oh, honey, I'm so hungover...
Passing child, to parent: On a Tuesday?
--7th & 8th, Park Slope
Stepford Wife Technology Can't Arrive Soon Enough for Me
Suit #1: She's smart, funny, beautiful... What more could you ask for?
Suit #2: Yeah, but she probably votes. I don't like women that vote.
--Union Station
Overheard by: Jacksonian Democracy
Have They Tried Denying Him Four Times?
Woman #1: The kids I babysit are... I wanna say 'satanic.'
Woman #2: Wow.
Woman #1: I know it sounds strong, but every time I'm over there they're like, 'Let's think of different ways to kill Jesus.'
--Fordham University
Overheard by: Charlie
Why the Fashion Police Keep Emergency Suspenders in Their Squad Cars
Asian boy: Why are you wearing a belt over your shirt?
Asian girl: I don't know. I like the way it looks.
Asian boy: Belts are supposed to hold your pants up. It can't hold anything up if it's over your shirt.
Asian girl: It's fashion, okay?! My god!
Asian boy: ... I hope your pants fall down!
--Stuyvesant High
Overheard by: she was wearing a skirt
Resistance Was Futile
Lawyer #1: The first date I ever went on with my wife I took her to a lecture about the physics of Star Trek.
Lawyer #2: Man, what a smooth operator you are.
--Civil Court, 141 Livingston St, Brooklyn
Overheard by: Big Larry
You Gals Kinda Make It Hard to Blame Everything on the Patriarchy
30-ish lady: So, Laura isn't really comfortable with her body, and let me tell you -- she shouldn't be! I mean, I've never been small, but she is just sloppy chubby, you know?
30-ish friend: Ouch! But yeah, I see what you mean.
--Bleecker & Lafayette
To Be Honest, I'm Just Friendsters with It
Teen girl #1: So, last night we were talking, and he still wants to put it in my ass... Like, how could I be with someone who only thinks about shoving his thing up my ass?
Teen girl #2: So what are you gonna do?
Teen girl #1: I don't know! Help me!
Teen girl #2, puzzled: I thought you love anal sex?
Teen girl #1: Oh, yeah.
--S79 bus
Overheard by: rob l
That's "How We Throw an Unforgettable Bridal Shower"
Mother: And how do you stop the smoke from going through the crack under the door? Put... a... wet...
Toddler girl: Firefighter?
--77th & 1st
When I Finally Have Sex, I'd Like It to Be with a Woman Who's All Three
Chick: So, explain the difference to me.
Guy: 'Cute' is, like, the girl next door, 'hot' is, like, 'I want to take her home right now!' and 'beautiful' is, like, classic.
Chick: So, can a woman be all three?
Guy: In very rare situations...
--7th St, between 1st & 2nd Ave
Garden Salad with Dysenterygon Dressing, I Think
Lady: I had the worst experience at that restaurant.
Friend: What did you have?
Lady: Horrible diarrhea.
Friend: I meant, what did you order?
--51st & 8th
Overheard by: raquel
Like Being Pummeled by Thousands of Tiny Penises
Salesman demonstrating massager on self: It's supposed to be heavy so that the weight of it helps massage your shoulders.
Middle-aged woman, unimpressed: What about that one?
Salesman, picking up new massager: This is a vibrator.
Middle-aged woman: [Stunned silence.]
Salesman: Uh, I mean, it operates using vibration -- the first one's called a percussion massager. It's just a... different type of massager.
--Brookstone, Manhattan Mall
Overheard by: she didn't buy either one
The View Isn't Much Different from Up Here, Lady
Old lady in wheelchair: Where are we going?!
Middle-aged son: Don't worry, we're getting there.
Old lady in wheelchair: All I can see is asses!
--Subway station, Yankee Stadium
Overheard by: meeples
It's Enemas
Drunk girl: You've seen anal sex a million times in porn, but have you ever once seen shit on the guy's dick? Or on the sheets?
Guy: Maybe they give the girls enemas first.
Drunk girl, draining glass: Well, they must give 'em something, because in real life ass-fucking is a shitty business.
--Tony Awards after-party, Rockefeller Center
Overheard by: Big Larry
What If We Both Listen for a While?
Dude: I'm sorry. I feel like I'm talking too much.
Chick: It's okay -- I like to hear you talk.
Dude: Well, I like to hear you listen.
--9th & 2nd
But the Steak Was Rare
Barber #1: Yo, last night I had a steak.
Barber #2: Don't tell me you had steak last night. Tell me you fucked some bitches last night. Tell me you got your ass licked last night. Tell me you farted in a chick's mouth and her cheeks blew up last night.
--Barbershop, Queens
Overheard by: Nathaniel
You Don't Have to Be Perfect to Be Desirable
Girl #1: A lot of the dresses here are really short...
Girl #2: You know what I say about those dresses? Make someone's day.
--American Apparel, 5th Ave
Bigotty Sense Tingling...
Five-year-old: Daddy, I don't wanna see Spider-Man 3.
Dad: Come on, why not?
Five-year-old: I hate the black Spider-Man.
Hobo: That child is racist!
--Loews cinema, Lincoln Center
Overheard by: Hobo has a point
Quite the Fucking Contrary
Angsty chick: I'm so tired of fucking... chicken broccoli bake.
Chill gal pal: Fucking? Sex on the mind?
Angsty chick: I'm not going to change my vocabulary just because I had an experience!
--6 train
Overheard by: i hope you read this
Good to See Folks Keeping That Line Alive
Lady #1: ... And I know he still wants me just by seeing the way he looks at me still.
Lady #2: But he told me he's done wit' you!
Lady #1: Look, when it's late at night and he ain't got nothin' to do, who is he gonna call? Not the Ghostbusters!
--6 train
Overheard by: Ari
I Was Thinking about How Pretty I Am
Hobo: What are you doing?
Pretty girl: Just thinking.
Hobo: You are way too pretty to think.
--42nd St
Overheard by: Meredith
If Only I Were Still in My Remembering Years
Hobo at end of rant: God bless John Lennon and Marvin Gaye, because John Lennon said, 'All you need is love,' and Marvin Gaye said, 'What's goin' on.'
Old lady: Now, that's a nice thing to remember.
--7 train
Overheard by: Tom
In the Middle of Her Web She Squats, Watching, Waiting
Mom: You're going to have a great time.
Kid: But is Chicago safe?
Mom: Of course it is! Oprah lives there!
--JFK
Why the MTA Has Principals' Offices
Man #1: Hey, hey! Who do you think you are?
Woman #1: Excuse me?
Man #1: You! Get that bag off the seat!
Woman #2: Leave her alone.
Man #1: Shut up! She has her fucking bag on the seat! Nobody's better than anyone else. We're all people. She shouldn't take up two fucking seats!
Man #2: Nobody wants to sit next to you, so you're taking up two seats, too.
--A train
Unless You're Getting Out of a Limo
Little kid: You show me yours and I'll show you mine.
Mom: No, honey, that's not how it works.
Little kid: But I'll show you mine...
Mom: They're called privates for a reason -- you're not supposed to show people.
--Restroom, Central Park
Overheard by: LSB
Great for Enticing Men with Little Debbie Complexes
Aspiring actress: I hope I get the part! That director was so hot! I could totally sleep with him!
Friend: He's your dad's age.
Aspiring actress: No! He's 41. My dad's 43.
Friend: You're 20.
Aspiring actress: Yeah. That's sort of sick. I have to stop liking older guys. What can I say? I'm just looking for a more mature man! Hey, I got this new moisturizer that smells like cookies, and it's sparkly! Smell my leg!
--2 train, between 42nd & 72nd
Says the Girl Who's Wearing a Headband As a Shirt
Bimbette #1: Oh my god, this is a shirt? I thought it was a dress!
Bimbette #2: And that's because you're a slut.
Bimbette #1: No, seriously, I could rock this as a dress.
Bimbette #2: Here we go again.
--42nd & Lex
Overheard by:
Arrange a MoMA Intervention
Girl #1: I just don't know if I can love him anymore.
Girl #2, giggling: Why not?
Girl #1: Stop laughing! What would you do if your boyfriend had a thing for dolphin art?!
--East Village
Sorry about Those Prada Loafers
Doctor, in neighboring exam room: Now, after I give you these pills, you're probably going to start peeing.
Old woman: I'm peeing now!
--Lennox Hill Hospital
So It Was Either Change Careers or Stay Faithful
Dude: Are you sure this new guy you are seeing is the one?
Drunk girl: Definitely. I mean, we have been together since September, and I haven't slept with another guy yet -- that is huge for me! I already hooked up with all the bartenders, all the chefs, and all the sous chefs at my job.
--Yama, 17th & Irving Pl
Overheard by: kreeeeeeeeeesta
Rent sucks. Period.
20-ish girl #1: Ugh! I feel like total crap right now.
20-ish girl #2: Is it your time of the month?
20-ish girl #1: Yeah. I have to pay the rent.
--Grand Central
Headline by: J-oh
Runners-Up:
· "I Had to Sign in Blood." - ewwww
· "It Costs a Lot to Have a Womb with a View" - Marv in DC
· "PM-Escrow" - jodles
· "Still Less Expensive Than a Nine-month Eviction." - Ike
· "Why Rent When You Can Moan?" - JEE
· "With Money From My Menstrual Art" - Aku
Click here to see the new Headline Contest
Executing Poop Joke in Three... Two... One...
Man #1: Isn't your cousin a big producer or something?
Man #2: No, he's a dog walker.
--25th & 3rd
Overheard by: Jon
And There's Nothing Worth Stealing in There
During trailer for horror movie where young girl peeks in door of creepy house and says, 'Hello?'...
Thugette: Why they be goin' into some abandoned-ass house like that?
Thug: 'Cause they white.
--Court Street cineplex, Brooklyn
Overheard by: MrStench
That's How I Got My First Cab-Calling Merit Badge
Dinner guest #1: What do you mean, 'go back to nature'? I grow tomatoes on my fire escape -- is that like going back to nature?
Dinner guest #2: Well, sometimes when I'm in Central Park I don't know where the fuck I am!
--Dinner party, 502 W 27th St
Oscar Wilde's Wednesday One-Liners
Dude: I'd make out with Joshua* for non-gay reasons.
--Forest Ave, Staten Island
Overheard by: lol
Professor: A bar is not always a bar. You walk into a gay bar and you'll see it's not your ordinary bar. In ordinary bars men get excited and yell at the television. In gay bars men get excited, yell at each other, and hold hands!
--Freshman writing class, NYU
Overheard by: elle woods-chelseahuckabay
Professional queer to friend: It's my mission to bring gay to everything, including bullet points.
--Urge, 2nd & 2nd
Overheard by: John
Queer: The Tony Award nominations were announced this morning, and now Jerry Falwell is dead. It's such a great day to be gay!
--Union Square
Man: Yeah, we had the baby. Then I told her I was gay.
--103rd & Broadway
Overheard by: Kathleen
Thug on cell: The problem is that I have a faggy face! My face is just too faggy!
--42nd, between Broadway & 8th
Overheard by: Kitty
Suit: I love you, man! If I were gay, you'd be the first ass I'd bang.
--Houston & 6th
Overheard by: JEI
These Wednesday One-Liners Don't Run
35-ish lady to friend: I don't even have anything in my mouth, and I still feel American.
--Smith & President
Ferry captain: Welcome to the United States. All crew members please report for docking...
--Manhattan-bound ferry
Overheard by: wondering where we were before...
Female writing professor: No, keep your mind on your money and your money on your mind. This is America, people -- don't be crazy.
--NYU Silver Center
Overheard by: Nina
Chick: Bleeding to death? Brain damage? I'm leaning towards gangrene. That's just so all-American, Oregon Trail, you know? If he's in this country, he'd better be ready to die like it.
--Union Square
Overheard by: Michelle
Professor: Brooklyn is not part of Long Island the same way New York is not part of America. We're not in America right now.
--NYU
Overheard by: And Staten Island doesn't exist.
Boricua thug: So I say, 'Why you be poopin' on the shirts of America?'
--5th Ave
Wednesday One-Liners Have I None, but This Man's Father Is My Father's Son
40-ish Jewish guy to another: Oh, guess what? My paternity test from the Bahamas came back negative, so that was good news.
--Madison Square Garden
Overheard by: Surfer Dude #1
Guy to girl: Oh, don't! No! Don't even think about pulling the 'My dad committed suicide' card! Not here, not now. It's not fair!
--NYU
Hawker: Good morning! AM New York! Good morning! You are the father!
--50th & Broadway
Overheard by: Bronx Thomas O'Connor
Little girl: Look! Horse poop! Horse poop! My daddy's allergic to horse poop!
--Central Park
JAP: When he told me what his father did for a living I felt a little pang in the snobby part of my heart.
--86th & Amsterdam
Wombsday One-Liners
Woman holding large ice cream, to man: You don't know what it's like to menstruate! You have no idea!
--Lafeyette & Astor Pl
Overheard by: I have some idea
Newspaper guy: It's just like when I was selling tampons to Alicia Silverstone. I was like, 'Is this my life?'
--34th & Broadway
Chick to friends: I think my mom is going through menopause. She wants to move to Colorado.
--St. John's University, Queens
Biotech to friend: Stop doing the tampon dance and let's get out of here already.
--Duane Reade
Well-dressed Indian man shouting at woman: You don't need no fucking tampons! Tampax -- that's a tampon! Tampax is the fucking mafia!
--2 train
Overheard by: Still Confused
Wednesday One-Liners and the Political Process
Hobo: There's a Republican in Greenwich Village! [Sirens sound nearby.] Better watch out!
--W 12th & 8th
Overheard by: nyamelia
Excited man on cell: It's a White House colonic!
--17th & 6th
Seven-year-old girl with silent parents: Spitzer won! Spitzer won! Spitzer won!
--8th Ave, Park Slope
20-ish guy on cell: What do you mean, 'Bush will get re-elected in '08'? Didn't you go to fuckin' grade school and learn about the two term limit on the presidency? Okay, yeah, I'll be over for dinner tonight... Love ya, Mom! Bye!
--W 41st & 7th
Hipster dude to another: That girl told me she was a Republican, and I fucked her in the ass all night long. That was the best ass sex I ever had.
--Clinton St & 3rd Pl, Carroll Gardens
Overheard by: Terry
Customer: I'd like a grande hazelnut latte and a new president.
--Starbucks
Overheard by: Grady
The Countertransference of Wednesday One-Liners
Mom to obnoxious child: You need group therapy!
--7 train
Overheard by: Curly
Hipster chick: So, Therapist Rick came over last night and took the kids out for a walk. They had sore bums when they came back, but otherwise they were okay...
--92nd & Broadway
Overheard by: Ken
Little girl to dad: Last year in third grade I was really depressed!
--80th St, between Broadway & Amsterdam
Overheard by: Maif
20-ish lady on cell: Yeah, so I found out he's a born-again Christian, which was kind of a turn-off because I never got into fundamentalist kink. But my therapist told me to try something new, so I think I'm going to fuck him anyway.
--Penn Station
Overheard by: Josephine
Old man: My psychiatrist told me two important things: one, never trust foreigners; two, don't ever waste an erection, even if you're alone.
--Restroom, York Theater
Girl on cell: No way! I totally hate my therapist, too!
--89th & 1st
Overheard by: Marisa
Advisory: These Wednesday One-Liners Contain Graphic Violence
Black lady to coworker: Girl, I got me a real bad paper cut this afternoon. Hurt like a bitch! I swears, a real bad paper cut hurts more than actually being stabbed.
--M3 bus
Overheard by: Mooka
Chick on cell: I can't decide if I want to fuck you or push you into oncoming traffic on the BQE.
--51st & Lex
Young girl to young guy: I don't know you yet, so you can't hit.
--Union Square
Overheard by: So happy to have finally overheard something worth submitting!
Guy on cell: Yeah, I got a fuckin' ass whoopin' for him on lay away, though.
--36th & 8th
Overheard by: Jenn
Crotchety old man: The best part was when his daughter stabbed him in the neck with scissors.
--Outside AMC, Times Square
Overheard by: Max Wastler
Wednesday One-Liners Get Stupid; I Mean, Outrageous
Lady to dude: The problem with being an idealist is that everyone else in the world is stupid.
--Housing Works bookstore
Loud broad on cell: You're such an idiot! How could you be such an idiot?! That is idiotic... I can't believe you are that much of an idiot... [Continues for minutes, then] Fine, Mom! I'll speak to you soon.
--Train from Stamford
Father to small son: ... And then for dessert we can have one of your stupid jokes.
--Lafayette & Bleecker
Overheard by: good luck in therapy, kid
Ghetto chick: I'm never having a baby. By the time I figured out I was pregnant I would have smoked so much weed that it would definitely be dumb.
--The Loews, Lincoln Square
Bimbette: I don't think that crack is that addictive. It can't be that addictive. I think people are just stupid.
--R train, 5th Ave
Man: Oh, he's not Irish, he's just stupid.
--8th Ave