Get the 10 best quotesby e-mail weekly!
Don't Waste Your Limited Attention Span, Sweetie
Salesgirl: Can I help you?
Teen in short skirt and chewing gum: Um, hi. I'm looking for a book called, um, um, 'The Da-something Code.'
Salesgirl: The Da Vinci Code?
Teen in short skirt and chewing gum: Yeah, something.
--Barnes & Noble
Was That DVD of Spy Kids 3 Really Worth It, Kid?
Underage guy, as alarm sounds: Is it me? Am I setting off the alarm?
Underage girl: I think it's your bag.
Underage guy: Maybe it's because of all the booze I've got in my backpack.
Underage girl: Shut up!
--Kim's Videos, St. Mark's Pl
NewsFlash: Preppy Girl Crushed to Death in Subway
Preppy girl to friend: I vote to ban fat people from trains. [Woman nearby throws angry look.] Just at rush hour! [Woman mutters under her breath.] Local-only chub train?
--Crowded 3 train
I Was My Own Finest Creation
Black girl: Yo, white boy! Yo, white boy! [White guy ignores her, so she follows him.] White boy! Yo, white boy!
White guy: What?! How would you like it if I yelled, 'Hey, black girl! Hey, black girl!'?
Black girl: No! It's okay! I'm white -- I went to Pratt.
--Bed-Stuy
I Always Figured on Running a Barely Lethal Voltage through the Pleasure Center of My Brain
Park bench guy #1: If you could control it, what's your ideal death?
Park bench guy #2: Something public, definitely. I'd rig a guillotine or something and when the chopper falls my head'll roll in front of this kid and he'll just stare at my lifeless eyes.
Park bench guy #1: That's some sick shit. I'd want something that I wouldn't dread. Like, I'd just drop dead, you know? Painless would be nice, too. Think carbon monoxide is painless?
Park bench guy #2: I always figured it was like getting choked except, like, all over your body.
Passerby: It's painless! It has to be!
--Bowling Green
Overheard by: Matt
It's Important to Have a Cause
Puerto Rican thug #1: Man, you gotta wash yo' hands before you touch yo' dick, man. You don't know what's on 'em. Don King said that.
Puerto Rican thug #2: True that. Yo... Don King said that?
Puerto Rican thug #1: Yeah, with the hair.
--Restroom, Sony Wonder Lab, Madison Ave
Overheard by: Dan
Two Voices, a Single Dream
Girl #1, into phone: No, we're in Brooklyn. Yeah, Spot Collins's territory.
Girl #2: I cannot believe you just made a Newsies reference.
Girl #1: Bitch, please -- you do it all the time.
--17th & 4th, Brooklyn
Overheard by: me too
I'm More into Authenticity Than Quality Anyway
Suit: Hey, who has the best pizza, you or the guy down the block?
Pizzeria owner: Fuck you!
Suit: I'll have two slices, please.
--Near Orchard & Houston
So I Wonder, How Bad Could a Blowjob Be?
Drunk girl: I ate two sausages tonight. Two!
Drunk friend: Oh my god!
Drunk girl: I don't even eat sausages.
Drunk friend: Wow!
Drunk girl: They were the best sausages I ever had.
--29th & 9th
Remembrance of Things Pissed
Teen boy #1, pointing to a bush: That's where we peed last time.
Teen boy #2: Really?
--Central Park
Cook Is English
Patron: What kind of vegetables do you have?
Surly Russian waitress: Boiled.
--Brighton Beach
Overheard by: cg
But Dark Souls Are Really Hot This Season
Rockabilly girl: I'm a little evil.
Preppy girl: Well, think about our friends -- you'd almost have to be. I definitely am.
Rockabilly girl: Jenny, our friends are horrible people.
Preppy girl: True.
--Essex & Rivington
I Smell Romantic Comedy Gold!
Nurse #1: Fuck, I hate Mr. Williams. That fucker won't shut the hell up. Every time he's here he wants me to be his nurse.
Nurse #2, laughing: Mr. Williams likes you.
Nurse #3: I don't know why you're laughing, Mary. At least she doesn't have an 80-year-old dyke putting the moves on her.
--South Ward, Albert Einstein Hospital
But Don't Hold Your Breath
Dude: Thanks for showing me that in the computer program.
Chick: Sure! I like to give everyone a piece once in a while.
--Tunnel St, Chinatown
My Mom Told Me to Stick to the Numbered Streets
Passenger: Hi, I'd like to go to Rivington and Ludlow, please.
Cabbie: I don't know where that is.
Passenger: That's okay, I'll show you how to get there.
Cabbie: But then how will I know how to get back?
--Upper West Side
Overheard by: Charlemagne
He Forgot to Pull Up His Tights
Drunk male ballet dancer: Can I have your attention, please? I'm not asking for money -- I just want to let you all know that I need to pee and I'm going to step between the cars for a moment. I'll be right back, don't worry. [He steps out of the car onto the walkway for a few seconds, then comes back in. Whole car applauds.]
--1 train
I'll Complete This Hit Any Way I Can
WASP man on curb: You almost ran my wife over!
Imitation mobster jumping out of Mercedes: Yeah, you wanna get shot, asshole?!
--W 4th & Perry St
Overheard by: neko
I Have Some Questions for Her about Your Upbringing
Hipster chick: Fuck off -- I already told you girls don't poop. Especially not this one. [Boyfriend looks at her with puppy dog eyes.] And no, you cannot put your penis up there to find out. I am not having this conversation before I meet your mother.
--Norfolk & Rivington
Overheard by: edith
There's Very Little Sleeping Going On
Alabaman tourist: Do the trains run all night?
NY-er: Yes, they never close.
Alabaman tourist: Well, that's good. We wanted to make sure we could get back from Times Square.
NY-er: Well, by New York standards it's still early. It is only 9:30.
Alabaman tourist: Yeah, from where we're from it's late. We sleep with the roosters... Well, not literally.
--1/2/3 station, 72nd St
Overheard by: Debbie
Christian Recruitment Takes a New Tack
Latina: He could just touch a spot and get you off.
Latino: Jesus could get you off just thinkin' about you.
--Cobble Hill, Brooklyn
And Not Get Arrested, Like We Did
Latino #1: Man, that nigga is black!.
Latino #2: Fo' real. He could, like, walk into a funeral butt-naked, that nigga so black.
--Taco Bell, Northern Blvd, Woodside
Overheard by: playbill staffer
I Wanna Learn about Things before They Happen
High school student #1: I hate history. I'm flunking it, man.
High school student #2: Yeah, dude, I hate history. All we learn about is old stuff.
--2 train, 42nd St
If So, You Should Take My Dad's Card
Father: Will you be in tomorrow?
Techie #1: Unfortunately, no, sir.
Father: Well, then who will I yell at if anything goes wrong with the computer?
Techie #2: You could always yell at me, sir!
Daughter, uncertain: ... Do you... like to be yelled at?
--Circuit City, Union Square
Your Truck's More Like a Pair of Sears Tuffskins
Fruity metro guy: My truck makes this crazy noise whenever I brake.
Mechanic: What's the make of your truck, son?
Fruity metro guy: White.
Mechanic: No, son, the make.
Fruity metro guy: Truck.
Mechanic: The make, son, the make.
Fruity metro guy: 1997. There, I've just told you everything I know about my truck.
Mechanic: Who made your truck? Ford? Nissan?
Fruity metro guy: Oh, you mean the brand. It's Ford.
Mechanic: A truck ain't a pair of jeans, son.
--Lower East Side
Overheard by: JoshOnTheBus
No, Honey. The Camera Only Takes a Tiny Piece of His Soul
Seven-year-old: Mom? Did you take a picture when Hammie died?
Mother: No, it's not right to take pictures of dead things...
Seven-year-old: No, I mean when you took the picture, did it stun him and kill him? [Sister chokes and spits out food.]
Mother: Yeah, you deserve to choke on that...
--Penn Station
Overheard by: blondie
Sorry, a Dollar's All You Get
Hobo: My, you are dressed sharp.
Suit: Thanks. [Hands him a dollar.]
Hobo: You so sharp, I'm afraid to touch you 'cause I'll get cut! You know, ladies love the sharp-dressed men!
--Manhattan-bound 7 train
Overheard by: Lady Who Loves Him
And Even Then, Only Cereal Boxes
Male suit: So, you're a literary agent? That's so cool. How's it going?
Lady suit: I just sold my first book! And the movie rights were optioned the same day!
Male suit: Totally exciting. What's the book about?
Lady suit: Oh, I don't know. I haven't actually read it.
Male suit: That's cool. I didn't really read much until I started college.
--A train
Overheard by: Max Perkins Is Rolling in His Grave
It Isn't Easy Being Us
Chick #1: I just look for things in my cabinet to overdose on. Seriously, I need to go on strong medication. I have no boyfriend, no life... I need some medicine. I need it right now. Oh my god, I'm about to cry right here. And see, I'm getting so fat. I mean, I still wear the same size and weigh the same, but I'm getting so fat. I know it's because I'm eating breakfast again. I usually do no breakfast, then yogurt for lunch and fish or something for dinner. I know it's because of breakfast.
Chick #2: Well, I seriously can't go home without drinking. It's not like I'm a huge drinker or anything, but I just can't stay away from wine once I step in the door.
--Madison Square Park
Overheard by: Cathy Pyenson
I Hope No Men Find Out How Foul Women Can Be
Female yuppie #1: ... And it was smeared all over the walls of the stall!
Female yuppie #2: Oh my god, that is so disgusting.
Female yuppie #1: Yeah, I can't believe someone would do that at work.
Female yuppie #2: I can't believe someone would do that ever!
--South-bound G train
Overheard by: Kevin
And Those Fat Earthworm Things Don't Comb Over Well
Black hipster #1: Hey, remember ugly-ass Anthony from back in high school? I saw him on the R train the other day.
Black hipster #2: Does he still look like the Predator?
Black hipster #1: Yeah, but with male pattern baldness.
--Union Square
You Go Ahead and Feel Bad, Though
Father: They're really promoting Paul McCartney at Starbucks.
Tween son: One of my friends said it sucks that John Lennon was shot instead of Paul McCartney. I felt bad when he said it.
Father: That's a horrible thing to say... But your friend was right.
--Starbucks, 8th St
Though Currently They Are Firmly Restrained
Black girl #1: ... And you know white girls don't wear no panties!
Black girl #2: I don't wear panties either... I mean, I do when I go out, but when I'm at home my labias be swingin'.
--TGIFridays, 34th St
Overheard by: sad to say i was sitting near them
Can't Be Too Careful after That Whole "Original Sin" Thing
Girl on first date: I love animals.
Guy on first date: I love animals, too, but I see a snake and I'll shoot it in the face.
--Union Square
Fuck the Contest. I'm Joining That Gym!
Workout girl #1: It feels so sticky when I put it on my lips.
Workout girl #2: That's why you don't stick your fingers all the way inside it.
--Synergy Gym, Astoria
Overheard by: Wog
Headline by: Rocks N Socks
Runners-Up:
· "How to Eat a Bowl Of Ice Cream Without a Spoon" - Karl
· "Life Without a Toilet Plunger..." - Jackster
· "Oh Cum On!" - Mike
· "The Rim Is All You Need..." - Steph
· "Winnie The Pooh Had The Same Problem With His Honeypot" - Sticky Thump
Click here to see the new Headline Contest
I'm Demoting You to Provisionally-Exclusive
20-ish girl: Dammit, why aren't you coming to my party?
20-ish guy: I told you -- I have to go to DC that night with my family.
20-ish girl: How am I going to show off my terribly attractive boyfriend to all my other less-attractive boyfriends if you're not going to be there?!
--L train
Even Better Than Secaucus, Son
Young father: Here we are -- New York City! The greatest city in the world.
Four-year-old son: Even better than Hoboken, Dad?
--Grand Central
Overheard by: Phil
No, I Think We Went to Obedience School Together
Girl: I think that dog is staring at me...
Guy: Don't flatter yourself.
--Washington Square dog park
Overheard by: Dog and people watcher
Wednesday One-Liners, As Seen in Playbill
Twenty-ish girl exiting theater: Ugh... It's like getting out of prison...
--Stage door for Mary Poppins, 41st St
Angry old lady: You shouldn't have to be distracted by all these ideas when you're watching a play.
--Cymbeline, BAM
Overheard by: Harriet Vane
Mother to child eating pizza: Eat your cereal! Do you know why I said, 'Eat your cereal'? Because it's a line in Mommy's play.
--105th & Broadway
Shocked lady fanning herself after first act of Spring Awakening: Well, that certainly wasn't Cats.
--O'Neill Theater
Overheard by: sjp
Girl on cell: Wait, she quit her job to come see the show?
--Rush line for Spring Awakening
Overheard by: hope she gets tickets
Blue-haired person to another: I didn't care for it, but the Asians will love it!
--Sweet Charity showing, Al Hirschfeld Theatre
Overheard by: Robert
Wednesday One-Liners Go to the Flicker Pictures
Guy to L. Ron Hub-tards: So, if I sign up with you, how long do I have to offer people stress tests before I become a movie star?
--Union Square
Gangsta teen: Yeah, A Clockwork Orange. You seen that shit? They taped his eyes open and made him watch rapes and shit. I would have ripped that shit off my eyes, man -- fuck that. I'd blink my motherfucking eyes regardless.
--Penn Station
Overheard by: I do, too
Hipster: Actually, I don't watch movies. I watch films.
--The Village
Blonde: Wasn't Newsies a documentary?
--Deluxe, 114th & Broadway
Overheard by: McFreaky
Queer on cell: So, it's not just like one of those regular bestiality films...
--E 9th & 1st
Movie buff: Yeah, I thought Seabiscuit was a good movie until I realized it was about a horse.
--Starbucks
Overheard by: pokemaul2k4
Wednesday One-Liners Just Wanted Boys to Like Them
Lady bus driver on cell: Tell everybody in Intelligence they can all get their dicks sucked.
--West-bound crosstown bus,14th St
Overheard by: Kate
Man on cell: Having your dick sucked poorly for 10 minutes and then watching him fuck your girlfriend can be fun in moderation, but after a while it just gets old.
--Central Park
Overheard by: Still laughing
Guy with chick: All I know is I have two finals, she'll give me a blowjob to relax me, and I'll go home and take a nap.
--A train
Woman on phone: So, I was given 30 minutes for pizza, right? And I leave my office, look over, and she is sucking his fucking dick.
--Target
Overheard by: Jooshua
Hipster: Yeah, like five tranny vampires sucked my dick within 10 minutes of walking into that place.
--Beauty bar
Straight guy: Yeah, I think I'd suck Jabba the Hut's dick.
--Houston & Ave A
Overheard by: Karin
Wednesday One-Liners Comix and Stories
Ghetto guy: It's a bird; it's a plane; it's Super Vagina!
--Prince & Mercer
Overheard by: office peon
Little boy to dad: I have a secret identity.
--116th & Broadway
Hobo: Did you know Batman and Robin are in the Bible? Yeah, gays in there -- they were so busy being gay that the blacks wrote the Bible... And by the way, you can find O.J. Simpson in there, too.
--40 bus, Bronx
Woman on cell: What I was thinking was Spider-Man would show up for just one hour, and he'd officiate the wedding.
--Joralemon St, Brooklyn Heights
Overheard by: jill
Lawyer on cell: I have so many arch-nemeses...
--Law firm lobby, Midtown
Overheard by: I hope I'm not one of them
Wednesday One-Liners Have Started Drinking Alone
Teacher: That's a beautiful outfit! I forgot today was Culture Day -- I would've come in drunk.
--Brooklyn Tech
Overheard by: Liz
JAP: I was so drunk, and the next day I woke up in an unmade bed!
--Times Square
NJ Transit conductor: We're on the train goin' to Dovah. This is a late-night train for the drunk college kids. If you miss your stop, that sucks -- we ain't goin' back. In Dovah, it's ovah.
--Penn Station
Chorus of drunks: Rehab sucks! Rehab sucks! Rehab sucks!
--Welcome to the Johnson's, LES
Overheard by: Alexis
Large, loud lady dragging dirty hot pink suitcase to passerby: I've got a bottle of beer in one hand and a holy Bible in the other!
--W 39th & 8th
20-ish director type to others: Okay, I'm laying down the law for this show. Nobody drinks -- none of the actors are allowed to drink before the show tomorrow. I can drink before the show, but none of the actors can drink before the show.
--Krain's Theatre, E 4th & 2nd
Overheard by: could use a drink now
Tipsy dude: Either way, the test is coming back positive, so let's get drunk.
--3rd & 12th
The White Devil's Wednesday One-Liners
Newscaster to cameraman: Come on, can't we get some fucking white people to interview? [White suit approaches.] Hi, do you have a minute?
--Fulton & Gold
Overheard by: Floored
14-year-old girl to friend: Yo, my momma was like, 'We gotta go over to Peter Lugar's to pick up some white niggas with chizzz-ash!'
--S 3rd St, Williamsburg
White guy to buddy: I have this thing for girls who look like white girls, but actually...
--Sullivan & Bleecker
Overheard by: NCS
Dude: Journey is like crack for white people.
--Metropolitan Championship Regatta
Queer black guy on cell: Girl, just stop! That is not your job... No, if she's such a delicate white woman that she can't be bothered to take care of her own child, then she can't be mad if you lose her in the park... No, that's not your job.
--Penn Station
Overheard by: mark
Ghetto chick: You eat those Fritos like a white girl.
--Prominade, Brooklyn Heights
Overheard by: David in Dumbo
Southern tourist to wifey: You know, people in New York are so many different shades... White people, I mean.
--Q train, 34th St
Lord of the Wednesday One-Liners
Sweet-looking old man teaching ballet: This is an adult ballet class. We have to try and do things correctly. A children's ballet is different. Technically, it qualifies as child abuse.
--Steps on Broadway dance studio
Chick on cell: After the crash test dummy, there were two geishas who belly danced.
--Harlem
Overheard by: Hott Bi Luv
Chick: ... But he didn't expect it to be a bunch of animals -- rabbits and bears in little outfits and shit. And doing little dances. And he was maaad...!
--1 train
Overheard by: Ladle
Agitated old Jew to wife: I'm just saying, for my money I want the Electric Slide, I want the Macarena, I want the Chicken Dance, you know what I mean?
--68th & Lex
Indignant mom: She secretly enrolled her in ballet without telling me!
--Monroe St & Franklin Ave, Brooklyn
Old Einstein-looking guy with charming European accent: I always wanted to be a belly dancer so I was surprised when I became a composer.
--Subway
Overheard by: Ben H
Wednesday One-Liners, Red in Tooth and Claw
Fashionista to two others: Yeah, but like, what are we going to do with a dead horse?
--Columbia University
Overheard by: Brooke
Woman: I lived in a mud hut with rabid bats -- I think I cashed in my JAP card.
--Bushwick
Chick to guy: They get to pick out the puppies and kitties that they like the best, and they get to take them for the night. And, if they get killed, they just have to replace them. Isn't that great?
--Columbia University
Overheard by: Wild Dog Boy
Girl to boyfriend: With the amount you spend on little turtles, I think you could buy yourself a suit.
--Columbia University
Sailor to another: What do you know about anything 'cept cuttin' up squid and takin' it to bed with you?!
--Hudson & Perry
Saucy chick: The worst I ever got fucked was by a horse named 'Hunt.'
--16th & 1st
Overheard by: Karin