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Please Do It on the Coat
Drunk hipster #1: Hey, are you okay?
Drunk hipster #2, looking at girl in Houndstooth pattern coat: Yeah, I just didn't realize how drunk I was until I started staring at that girl's coat, and now I think I'm gonna throw up.
--Matchless Bar, Greenpoint
Overheard by: Aria Grillo
Someone's Been Watching Too Many Macy's Thanksgiving Day Parades
Queer #1: He just got so fat, like, he didn't even care anymore. It was disgusting.
Queer #2: Well, it happens when you get older. I'll never let myself get fat. Will you?
Queer #1: Never!
Queer #2: Yes, you will. You'll be like a big fat balloon with two fat little arms sticking out, barely able to hold onto the bottle of Jack Daniels you'll be guzzling.
--A train, 86th St
She Spoke Spanish, or More Specifically, Portuguese
Chick #1: She was from Mexico, or more specifically, Brazil.
Chick #2: Oh.
--Washington Square Park
Overheard by: Laura M.
No Man Has Ever Accepted That Assurance
Puerto Rican woman: So, if you hadn't been born boricua, what nationality would you want to be?
Puerto Rican man: Black.
Puerto Rican woman: Awww, it's not that small, mi amor.
--B train, 50th St
Overheard by: Hablo Español!
Although I Was Wondering about the Helmet
Little girl: I like hitting my head against my daddy's bottom!
Dad, shocked but chuckling: Oh... Well... Honey... Those conversations are left for at home...
Lady: Yeah, I really didn't need to hear that.
--Water St
Frankly, She's My Role Model
Columbia girl #1: His parents invited me out to Greenwich this weekend, so I took time off from my internship and was all ready to go...
Columbia girl #2: You're not going to go?
Columbia girl #1: Well, no. You know that rash I had on my right boob? It's back.
Columbia girl #2: No way!
Columbia girl #1: Seriously. You're not getting that thing near a bikini with my future mother-in-law anywhere nearby. She sniffs stuff like that out in no time. Like a bloodhound.
--E 74th St & Park
As In: Bitch, Please, I Know What It Is!
Toddler, pointing out window: Bitch!
Grandmother: Bridge. It's a bridge.
Toddler: Bitch!
--F train
Overheard by: Russ Wall
We Are the Wallpaper of Their Glamorous Cityscapes
High school girl #1: We don't always celebrities around, but I bet they see us all the time.
High school girl #2: Fo' real, yo.
--50th & 10th
Lust Is Socially Acceptable, Gluttony Isn't
Teen girl #1: Mmm, let's get ice cream!
Teen girl #2: Shut up, fatty!
--86th & Broadway
Overheard by: shanaomi
Currently, We're Peaking
Waiter: Would you care for a glass of wine or a cocktail?
Old lady: No, thanks, we're heavy drug users.
--Caffe Grazie, 84th & Madison
Overheard by: mom thought that was funny
I Got Their Phone Numbers, Though
College boy #1: So, I went to this comedy club last night to see some friend's routine..
College boy #2: Yeah?
College boy #1: Yeah. They were pretty good, but these girls also did a routine, and girls are never funny. And these girls were fat, too, so there was just really no upside to it.
College boy #2: Right.
--Dodge Fitness Center, Columbia University
Ever Heard of Photoshop?
Lady taking picture of tourists: Do you want the Statue of Liberty in the background?
Hubby: Uh, that's the Empire State Building.
--Top of the Rock
Having a Video of It Disseminated on the Internet?
Hoochie #1: I mean, I guess there are worse things than getting pissed on by Ray J....
Hoochie #2, after long, incredulous pause: Like what?!
--46th & 6th
Overheard by: Still disturbed, even though I know who Kim Kardashian is
I'd Do It Myself, but I Just Had My Nails Done
Yuppie #1: Somebody had better shut that kid up.
Yuppie #2: Someone should tell that woman to control her child.
Yuppie #3, across train: Would somebody please tell that woman to shake her baby?!
--Very crowded R train
Overheard by: The3rdBridge
I'd Fire You, but Good Scapegoats Are Hard to Find
Manager looking at flooded sink spilling onto floor: Maaan... Who did this?
Employees, in irritated chorus: Thomas.
Manager: Thomas, I'm gonna shit on you.
--AMC Empire, 42nd St
After I Rob Your Corpse, of Course
Girlfriend: I am going to kill myself and blame it on you.
Boyfriend: Great... I'll sign your suicide note!
--Broadway & Lafayette
Overheard by: sneakey black guy
The Key Is Not to Act on the Thought
Deli clerk to mother with spoiled child: You should pull a Chris Benoit on her!
Mother: I thought about it.
--Silver Star Meat Market, Nostrand Ave
I'm Still Living Off of the Sexual Harassment Settlement
Chick #1: Didn't you wear that yesterday?
Chick #2: Yeah, but I didn't sleep at home last night.
Chick #1: You stayed at your boy's place? You've been dating forever! Don't you keep clothing there?
Chick #2: I do, but I was fucking my boss. I need a raise.
Chick #1: I did that once, and it so worked.
--1 train
Overheard by: On the periphery
Good Thing, Too -- They Needed a Coxswain
Chick #1: Did you know that Jim* and Sarah* slept together?
Chick #2: Ewww!
Chick #1: Yeah, and I was in the bed at the time.
--South St Seaport
Did You Skip Hobo Charm School?
Crazy bag lady: You got any matches, bitch?
Tourist girl: No...
Crazy bad lady: You got a lighter, bitch?
Tourist girl: No, I don't smoke.
Crazy bad lady: Oh. Then you got any cigarettes, bitch?
--Penn Station
Overheard by: nonsmoker's friend
Arby's: We've Found Our New Slogan
Girl #1: That fuckin' sandwich was good as shit!
Girl #2: I know, right?!
--38th & 8th
I Can Tell You Who He Was, but Not What He Meant
Little girl: Daddy, who's John Lennon?
Dad: I'll explain it to you later.
--Strawberry Fields, Central Park West
Overheard by: David Males
Maybe I Should Just Give Her Some Weed
Stoned college kid #1: I don't want to spend all this fucking money on my girlfriend for Valentine's Day.
Stoned college kid #2: Man, I found a way around that! I'm telling Maya I got a star named after her, but really I'm like... 'Not.' You get laid for free!
Stoned college kid #1: And what if she checks the stars, man?
Stoned college kid #2: Do you know how many stars there are, dude? There's gotta be at least four Mayas...
--Domino's
Overheard by: Madison
In That Case, I'd Be Asking for a Pink Squirrel
Fat, old, queer biker: Can you make a gin fizz?
Bartender: What is this, prom night?
--Cafe Loup, 13th & 6th
Overheard by: JoeQ
Drinks Beer at the Second-Grade Level
Older kid: So, what you been up to, little man?
Five-year-old boy: You know -- drinking the beers and dancing with the girls.
--Penn Station
You White People -- That's Your Answer for Everything
Asian girl: I should totally be on that white rapper show on TV.
White girl, sincerely: Oh, yeah! Just, like... change your skin!
--R train
Overheard by: Dani
In Your Case, Mostly Celery and Cocaine
Blonde: Freaking-A, my prostate hurts! Does your prostate ever hurt?
Brunette: Um, girls don't have prostates.
Blonde: Um, yeah we do, idiot.
Brunette: No, girls do not have prostates. Only guys do.
Blonde: You're stupid -- girls and guys have prostates. What do you think makes you poop?
--Madison Square Garden
Overheard by: girls have prostates? hm wierd.
It's a New World. Get Used to It.
Guy to two chicks holding hands: Hey, are you, like, lesbians or something?
Chick #1: No.
Guy, after disembarking and then seeing them kiss: So they were lesbians! Right? Right?!
--N train
Overheard by: mcr lover
I'm Now Chemically Resistant to All Varieties of Blame
Angry female vagrant: So it's my fault?! Fuck you! It's got nothing to do with me. I never do anything wrong!
Male vagrant, just as angry: How?!
Female vagrant, bellowing: Because I'm a drug addict!
--Outside the Guggenheim Museum
Overheard by: Emma
How Jason Ended Up Making Out with Two Girls
Drunk girl to couple making out: Whoa, get a room!
Boy, looking up and recognizing drunk girl: Hey! Wow! How have you been?
Drunk girl: Oh my god... And all this time I thought you were gay.
--59th & Lex
Also His Original Plan for Stopping New Yorkers from Smoking
North Dakotan tourist: Hi, Mr. Mayor. Can we take a picture with you?
Mayor Bloomberg: Sure thing, but if you don't smile I'm going to tickle you.
--Times Square
That, and I'm a Sociopath
Thugette #1: I can't believe she said that shit! That shit will get you killed!
Thugette #2: I know, that's why I'm laughing!
--Union Square
You've Got a Lot of Questions for a Guy Wearing His Own Vomit
Drunk guy #1: Where's Xavier from?
Drunk guy #2: I don't know.
Drunk guy #1: Where's Ohio state from?
--Tonic East
Overheard by: tom
I Found the Hole, Looked Inside and Found My Dignity, All Pale and Wrinkled
Coworker #1: Man, last night was a big night. I don't even remember what happened after two. I woke up next to a half-eaten pizza.
Coworker #2: Yeah, I woke up next to a half-inflated blow-up doll. I had to submerge her in water in the morning to find the hole.
--Bar, LES
Headline by: like an albino shame-raisen
Runners-Up:
· "Between Latex and Pepperoni Lies Inebriation. By Calvin Klein" - Dan
· "He Was a Sharp One." - C-in-OH
· "Just Like When I Lost My Virginity, Except This Time I Didn't Kill Her" - Silverfish
· "Pies and Dolls" - Mikkel Hundewadt-Jensen
· "Star Trek Convention: The Morning After" - nicky c.
Click here to see the new Headline Contest
Stealing -- Genius!
Suit #1: First we'll get his 40 thousand dollars, then we'll fire him.
Suit #2: Oooh -- okay!
--Tribeca
Overheard by: JEK
Speaking of Illicit Sex...
Girl #1: I was just so confused about the incest thing. I don't understand why he was making such a big deal about it.
Girl #2: Haha, yeah. Weird. Hey, doesn't this brownie look like salami?!
--Lerner Hall, Columbia University
Overheard by: Paul
That's Just an Optional Amenity
Flyer girl: Do you like stand-up comedy?
Passerby: No.
Flyer girl: Come on, you can say yes. It's not like it's crack!
--Times Square
A Wednesday One-Liners Reunion Tour
Wannabe hipster girl: There's this band called 'The Dandy Warhols.' I, like, always confuse them with Andy Warhol.
--The Knitting Factory
Overheard by: jengray
Tween girl: Duran Duran was not a Duran or a Duran, so just cease and desist.
--Borders near Penn Station
Overheard by: Mobtown Boy
20-ish guy to friend: Man, the way he sang 'Humpty Dumpty' was just incredible. When he sings it you have no idea he's singing about an egg.
--59th & Lex station
Late-20s chick in Blink 182 shirt, on cell: Well, that's it, then. She obviously doesn't espouse or believe in the aesthetic of Blink 182, so she's out. We can't be friends with her anymore.
--The Mercury Lounge
Wednesday One-Liners Want the Epidural
JAP: Wait... So, does that mean I was pregnant?
--Bloomingdales
Overheard by: Alyson Leigh
Ghetto chick on cell: I think it's a bad idea to be friends with a girl who's pregnant. It might just rub off on you!
--M104 bus
Overheard by: Derrick
Jamaican queer to fag hag: You need to button that up or you gonna end up pregnant!
--W 44th St
Overheard by: Ivan
Black guy to white man and white preggers wife: Yo, you got her all knocked up!
--Washington Square
Overheard by: phia
Man saying good-bye to gal pals: Get pregnant!
--Spring & Crosby
Overheard by: Lillian
Wednesday One-Liners Are on the Lookout for Celebrities
Tourist chick: I thought I'd see people dressed up like Mary Kate and Ashley and a bunch of rude hippies.
--9th St
Overheard by: heroldo
Tourist pointing to chairs in Rockefeller Center: I don't know -- they must be having an event or something, because usually you can ice skate here all year long!
--Rockefeller Center
Excited bimbette tourist: I thought the Atlantic ocean was bigger than this!
--Staten Island Ferry
Overheard by: Spectre
Tourist wearing fanny-pack: Look, a McDonald's! Right here in the city!
--42nd & 5th
Overheard by: Nancy
Excited tourist passing hobo: Now, that is a real street person! Did you get a chance to smell him?
--31st & 6th
Wednesday One-Liners Love Pussy
Well-dressed lady to homely man: No, I have to go. I'm herding cats here.
--Prince & Broadway
Girl on first date: Yeah, and so sometimes I let my cat lick my nipples...
--Outside Pratt Institute
Black teen to her gaggle of pals: She has fuckin' lupus, and her pussy smells like cat!
--69th & 1st
Overheard by: Erica
Pretty girl: All the boys in New York have a broken heart... And a cat.
--Court St, Carroll Gardens
Overheard by: Ethan
Man eating sandwich: This meat tastes like cat balls. This ain't meatballs, it's cat balls! It tastes like cat!
--Subway restaurant, 23rd & Madison
Overheard by: quickly losing my appetite
Frat guy on cell: You'll never guess what happened! Smoky came back! ... Yeah, it's good. He's all like, 'Meow, meow,' and I'm all like, 'Shut up!'
--Union Square
Overheard by: Jess
Wednesday One-Liners Light Up the Sky Like a Flame
Woman: So, I left her this really erotic message right before her hotel room burnt down. I think that's why we didn't get the apartment.
--2 train
30-ish lady to friend: That boy lights himself on fire every time he's welding something. I think he likes it. He's some kind of weird pyro.
--17th & 5th, Park Slope
British chick on cell: He what? He keeps setting himself on fire?
--Urban Outfitters, 10th & 2nd
Overheard by: Salami
Queer on cell: So, Todd said, 'Do you smell smoke?' It was the gay mafia! They were trying to burn down the bar.
--14th & Ave B
Tipsy 20-something: Well, at least you didn't get set on fire. That's the important thing.
--1 train, 72nd St station
Overheard by: Pitr
Bluetooth Wednesday One-Liners
Chick yelling out window of hybrid SUV: I'm a better driver than you, and I'm texting at the same time!
--Westside Hwy
Overheard by: Glad I'm walking
Black guy to no one in particular: Do you have Michael Jackson's phone number? [Taps on cab window] Do you have Michael Jackson's phone number? [To a little girl in stroller] Do you have Michael Jackson's phone number?
--58th & 9th
Overheard by: Jofo
Secretary-General of the model UN: Before we go, this phone was found in the bathroom -- it's a pink RAZR... It says 'Stud muffin' on it.
--United Nations
Crazy guy handing out Sprint flyers: Free camera phone! Soon you'll be eating the robots!
--Outside Sprint, Broadway & Washington Pl
Overheard by: Deby
Hipster girl, addressing iPhone campers: You're waiting for a phone?! I can understand if it was for cupcakes...
--Prince & Greene
Overheard by: non-mac nerd
Man Bites Wednesday One-Liners
Chick: You have the responsibility of perming your own dog.
--Ellis Island Ferry
Dude: ... So the guy says, 'They always think they want their dog stuffed, but they really don't,' and that's why he makes you pay in advance.
--Duff's, Williamsburg
Overheard by: LP
JAP: I think when I get back I want to get a dog... And then maybe one of my parents could be my intern. -- like, take care of the dog and stuff. I don't understand why that is such a ridiculous suggestion. I mean, it's not like they're doing anything of interest.
--6 train, 42nd St
Overheard by: Adrienne
Little girl chasing pigeon: Bye-bye, doggie!
--DeSalvio Park playground, Spring & Mulberry
Overheard by: jharris
Cashier to customer: Have a good night and enjoy your... dog food.
--Animal Crackers, E 2nd St
Overheard by: Sara
Little girl to father: Daddy, can we eat the dog food?
--Whole Foods, Columbus Circle
Overheard by: Yum yum gimme some
Wednesday One-Liners Aren't As Good on a Cracker As You May Have Heard
Dude, about Gillette shaving products: It's like sperm. [Notices girl staring] ... Yeah, it's like sperm.
--Hunter College
Overheard by: tanechka
Chesty preggers: I thought he was shooting blanks! I mean, he only drank Mountain Dew and wore tighty-whities!
--Near the Pink Pony, LES
Dude: I don't have time for your premature ejaculation!
--Harlem
Girlfriend to boyfriend: Dammit, John, sperm does not cure everything! You're crazy!
--East Williamsburg
Overheard by: azraela
Wednesday One-Liners Have a "Distinctive Face"
Hobo: Ladies and gentlemen, I am homeless and I have no money. I am also ugly -- that is why I have no friends.
--Kingston-Throop Station
Overheard by: Ann Lee
Old man passerby to hot guy kissing ugly chick: You can do better, son! You can do better!
--B train, 86th St
Tall Brit on cell: In Europe they definitely have an ugly girl problem, but back home in England it's a damn epidemic.
--45th & 9th
Ugly beer-guzzler: Didn't you know that they send all of the ugly people to Cleveland? Because then they're all there together, and they feel comfortable enough to mate. Of course, I had to get out of there and come to New York!
--79th St Boat Basin Café
Overheard by: amalthya
Old guy to high school chick: You are very beautiful, but that shirt makes you look ugly!
--D train
Wednesday One-Liners Shoot from the Hip
Hipster to friends: Are you kidding me?! I wouldn't fuck her with Tim's* dick and Steve* pushing!
--Capone's, Wiliamsburg
Hipster boy to hipster girl after hardhat made degrading comment: Why are there never any gay men ogling guys? It's not that I'm gay, but an ogle or two wouldn't hurt.
--Soho
Hipster chick: Yeah, glitter is, like, the herpes of arts and crafts.
--Bleecker & Broadway
Overheard by: Ella
Hipster hoochie: ... And then we found that guy who had a rock of crack, and we smoked it together!
--The Levy, Williamsburg
Overheard by: The Sock