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You Know, All That Makes about As Much Sense As the Trinity
Hardhat #1: Hera.
Hardhat #2: Hera?
Hardhat #3: Yeah, you know, his wife.
Hardhat #2: Well, I know she was Zeus's wife, but who was Chronos's wife?
Hardhat #1: I don't know.
Hardhat #3: Maybe he didn't have a wife.
--7th & Ave B
Overheard by: Rhea
Sperm Had to Work a Lot Harder Back Then
College girl #1: I don't understand you! How can you watch that movie for five hours! They barely even kiss!
College girl #2: You want them to throw down and have sex? It was 1811! There was no sex!
--Kissena Blvd, Queens
Overheard by: Mrs. Darcy
Still the Sweetest One I've Ever Heard in New York
Man: You got the prettiest laugh I've ever heard!
Pretty girl: Aw...
Man: If you pee on me, I'll let you laugh a lot more!
Pretty girl: Oh. I was going to say that was the sweetest catcall I've ever heard, but then...
--Mulberry & Spring
Overheard by: has that ever worked for you?
Julio, Your Mother and I Have Asked You Repeatedly to Make All Local Stops
Little brother, running up street: Look at me -- I'm the 4 train!
Older brother, running next to him: Look at me -- I'm the 6 train!
Little brother: Stop running faster than me!
Older brother: Nuh-uh.
Little brother: Dad! Julio didn't stop at 33rd Street!
--31st St, Astoria
Overheard by: five year old kids can figure this out -- why can't tourists?
Like a Tarantula Clinging to a Strawberry
Seventh grader #1: When you get a Brazilian wax they wax in your butt, too!
Seventh grader #2: I don't think I have hair in my butt.
Seventh grader #3: Actually, one time in sixth grade you bent over and I saw it.
--Locker room, Asphalt Green, 90th & York
Nine Out of Ten Gay Stalkers Agree!
Female student: How do you feel about always being a supporting role and never getting to be the leading man?
Matt Dillon: [Silent.]
Male student: You're my leading man!
--School of Visual Arts
Overheard by: terd fergeson
So I Lured Him into the Sauna and Locked Him in with a Store Mannequin
Hoochie #1: He was so drunk he just pushed my legs together and started humping them.
Hoochie #2: How did that work? Wasn't it dry?
Hoochie #1: He was sweating so much it acted like lube!
--86th & 3rd
Overheard by: Peter
He Stoops to Conquer
White guy: I feel like I'm taller than everyone.
Indian girl: That's because you are. Freak!
--Canal & Centre
Turns Out Those Guys Know Nothing about Massage
Columbia student #1: So, Matt, you watched gay porn for three hours?!
Columbia student #2: What? It was for a project!
--117th & Broadway
Q-Tip: Wear Galoshes
Hobo: Ahhh.
Girlfriend: Ewww, he peed on me!
Boyfriend: And you're wearing sandals!
--Q train
Like My Repetitive Strain Injury
College student #1: People keep calling me a 'n00b.'
College student #2: I hate that. In the two games I was ever good at I'd never call people n00bs.
College student #1: I know, me, too... I find it hilarious, but it hurts...
--Bleecker St
Overheard by: zimmerfidget
Just Not Prettier Than Us
Hipster girl #1: He's, like, gayer than gay. But that's cool.
Hipster girl #2: Yeah.
Hipster girl #1: I mean, we want him to be gay.
Hipster girl #2: Yeah.
--F train
Overheard by: Jenny
See, Your Mistake Was Promising to Pay It Back
Hobo: Can you spare a quarter?
20-ish guy: I'm broke. I owe the government 70 thousand dollars.
Hobo, after a pause: Would you like a quarter?
--Madison Square Garden
Overheard by: Jesus Jon
Wait, You Got Peeps?
Woman in self-scan lane, yelling at employee: These Peeps won't scan!
Employee: Ma'am, please calm down. I can scan them in for you.
Woman: No, you know what? I don't need the Peeps. I'll take my Pepsi and forget the Peeps. Peeps not scanning... Ugh!
Employee, under her breath: Every fucking time this bitch is in here...
--Food Emporium
Overheard by: Meaghan
Are You Even in This Class?
Professor: ... So metaphorically speaking, that's why the descent into the subway is like going to Hell.
Student: That's ridiculous.
Professor: Really? Why not? It's very hot and sweaty down there, not to mention if you fall onto the tracks or touch the third rail, you're dead.
Student: What's wrong with being dead?
--Borough of Manhattan Community College
Overheard by: vic
I'll Wait and Give It to the Kid
Lady hobo: Hey, y'all, I'm homeless and I'm three months pregnant, and I'm looking for some help from the people of this train, so if anybody got some money they want to give, please help me take care of my baby.
College girl with change: I'll give you this money if you're saving up for an abortion.
Lady hobo: What? Nooo, I'm keeepin' my baby.
College girl, putting change away: Okay, then.
Lady hobo: Wait, what?
--F train
That Would Have Been My Fourth Guess
Little girl: Guess what I'm wearing?
Mom's friend: What?
Little girl: Underwear!
--Bagel Boys
So Many of Us Were Born Too Late
Chick #1: Okay, what do we want to drink?
Chick #2: If I was Roman, my name would be Emperor Fabulous.
Chick #3: Perrier?
--Deli near Prospect Park
Overheard by: Liz Erd
Never Give Yeats' Poetry to a Hobo
Crazy ranting hobo: Y'all need to get your shit together! You hear me, humans? Your shit is all outta whack! You're all over the place like a bunch of crazy croutons and tomatoes in a crazy salad!
Man: Did that dude just call us croutons?
--A train
Overheard by: big fat crouton
Betsy Looks into the Funhouse Mirror
B&T girl #1, about rowdy drunk lady who left car: Oh my god, that woman was on crack.
B&T girl #2: I know, right?!
B&T girl #1: She was, like, 40 years old and reeking of midlife crisis.
--C train
That, Plus the Lab Test
Nerdy chick picking dirt off shoe with fingernail: I wonder how I got all this mud on my shoe...
Nerdy boyfriend: That's not mud; that's dog shit.
Nerdy chick, horrified: How do you know?!
Nerdy boyfriend: I saw you step in it on our way over here.
--Great Lawn, Central Park
Overheard by: Big Larry
This Performance Art Is Made Possible through the Support of Viewers Like You
Man: Is she serious? Is this broad serious?
Hipster chick who bumped into him: You talkin' to me?
Man: Yeah, lady, I am talkin' to you!
Hipster chick: Hey, buddy, as if your fat ass doesn't bump into people everywhere you go.
Man: Well, actually, if my ass was half as big as yours, I bet it would!
Hipster chick: You only wish you had my ass.
Man: Yeah, you're right. [Pauses, then gets noticeably calmer] Good thing you're from New York or I'd have to kick you in the face.
Hipster chick: I'm not from New York. I'm from Toronto.
Man: Where is that, Antarctica?! Get outta my face!
--2 train, CPW
Overheard by: ginger balls
And Not on TV
Man: We'll be the opposite of the Cosby family.
Woman: Yeah -- white!
--LIRR
Overheard by: Lauren
You Can't Start Singing That Tune Too Early
Conductor: This is West Fourth Street. Transfer is available to the A, C, E, F, and V trains.
Four-year-old girl: Mommy, he doesn't sing his ABCs right.
Mom: That's because he didn't go to college.
--A train
Shhh. Can't You Feel This Cup of Gin Vibrating?
Hipster: Drunk people are like dinosaurs.
Friend: What the fuck are you talking about?
--Union Square
Overheard by: Liz
Fucking FCC!
Scrawny teen boy: Hey, Alice, can I--
Posh teen girl, eating Kit-Kat: --No.
Scrawny teen boy: But what if--
Posh teen girl: --No.
Scrawny teen boy: Come on! It's just like in the commercial! [Sings] Give me a break! Give me a break! Break me off a piece of that--
Posh teen girl: --Well, you're not fucking getting a piece of my fucking Kit-Kat bar!
Scrawny teen boy, after pause: But you see, that part isn't in the commercial...
--Construction site, E Houston
I Believe They Make a Cream for That
Frat boy #1, reading his playbill: Oh, dude, Beauty and the Beast is closing.
Frat boy #2: Oh, yeah?
Frat boy #1: Yeah, man. I caught the magic.
--Shubert Theatre
Overheard by: Sarah
Of Monkeys?
Hipster chick to friend: I'm hungry. What should I get?
Hobo: Barrels!
--Grand Central
The World Still Looks Pretty Unredeemed to Me
Crazy guy with headphones: Do you think Jesus set up a hit against Satan when he was resurrected?
Suit: I don't know.
--2 train, Fulton St stop
He'll Have His Own Travel Show within a Month
Blonde tourist squinting at sign: It says in small letters, 'African-American burial ground, Historic District.'
Hobo: That's right. They's dead niggas all over the mothafucka. Right under the pavement. Paved right over they ass without no mothafuckin' consideration whatsoever. You probably standing over a dead nigga right now.
Blonde tourist: That's terrible. How did they find them?
Hobo: The white man was diggin' here for something -- I dunno, prob'ly thought there was some money under the sidewalk, and all they found was a bunch of dead niggas. So they covered 'em up again and put up them signs.
Blonde tourist, handing hobo a dollar: Well, thank you very much.
Hobo: And thank you, ma'am. Any other historical information you need, come back and ask for Willie.
--Center St & Pearl St
Overheard by: Big Larry
Good Thing She Doesn't Work at the Post Office
Girlfriend: Was that cocaine on your toilet seat this morning?
Boyfriend: No, that was Gold Bond.
Girlfriend: Oh... Because I put some on my teeth just to check.
--42nd St & West Side Hwy
So That's Not Abraham Lincoln?
Tourist #1, about Hasidic Jewish guys wandering around: Look!
Tourist #2: Huh?
Tourist #1: Wanna go talk to the Jews?!
--Union Square
Overheard by: Lynn
One of Those Turtles, Anyway
NYU student #1: Hey, who made Donatello's David?
NYU student #2: Wasn't it Michelangelo?
--Washington Square Park
Overheard by: B McSea
...And He Bit My Leg.
Son: I'm thinking of an animal now.
Mother: Does it live in water?
Son: No.
Mother: Does it live on land?
Son: No.
Mother: Does it live in the air?
Son: No.
Mother: Does it live in the subway?
Son: Yes.
Mother: Is it a rat?
Son: No.
Mother: I give up.
Son: It's a homeless person.
--1 train
Headline by: Johnny Utah
Runners-Up:
· "Better Question: Does It Masturbate in the Subway?" - s m
· "Can We Hunt It for Sport on a Private Island?" - space coyote
· "Don't Feed It... It'll Shit Everywhere!" - Hobo Whisperer
· "Homeless: the Other Other White Meat" - Renee
· "New and Improved -- Now with Rabies!" - greatly amused
Click here to see the new Headline Contest
Wait -- "Lubricant"?
Neighbor #1: Did you see the used condom on our doorknob?
Neighbor #2: No!
Neighbor #1: And it was inside out, too... All the lubricant was leaking out of it.
Neighbor #2: Lovely.
Neighbor #1: But I fixed them... I went and got napkins so I could peel it off of there without getting it all over me.
Neighbor #2, thoughtfully: You know, it could have been anyone in the building.
Neighbor #1: True!
--St. Mark's & 2nd
Overheard by: tourist girl
My Words Are a Well-Oiled Team
Friend: How are you not wasted?
Birthday dude: It's one of my many talents -- I can be drunk and still be cohesive.
Friend: You mean 'coherent'?
Birthday dude: Fuck you.
--Black Bear Lodge
The O'Reilly Factor, for Instance
Drunk #1 in video booth: There's so many movies to choose from!
Drunk #2: I think I'm in a gay booth.
Drunk #1: This one's from the point of view of a dick!
Disembodied voice: Isn't everything?
--Peep Show, 8th Ave
Overheard by: just passing through
There's No Crying in Wednesday One-Liners!
Conductor: Alright, everybody, be careful out on the platform, because it's gonna be crowded. Despite your instincts, no pushing anyone onto the tracks. Red Sox fans are to remain seated until all Yankee fans have disembarked from the train. This is a sign of respect.
--4 train, 161st St & Yankee Stadium stop
Old Yankee fan: That Shawn Green was a great pick up by the Mets. He's Jewish, and there are a lot of Jews in New York.
--Yankee Stadium
Overheard by: Met fan in hell
Bitter Yankee fan: What the fuck?! A-rod gets paid four million dollars a month? For what?! I can barely clear 24 grand, and I went to college for eight years.
--Loki Lounge, Park Slope, Brooklyn
Overheard by: Troy B.
Conductor: Because the Met game has just ended, this train is now a local train. To repeat, we left Times Square as an express, but we are now a local because the Met game has ended. We are sorry for the inconvenience, but the Met fans are more important than you.
--7 train
Thug on cell: I was walking down the street the other morning and I saw this dead guy. He looked like a bum and he was really dirty and people were walking by looking him, but he wasn't moving. His fingers were all swollen and he smelled really bad and there were bugs crawling on his face. Then I looked and he was wearing a Yankees shirt, and I was like, 'Yo, that shit is mad symbolic.'
--7 train to Shea Stadium
Wednesday One-Volk-One-Reich-One-Führer-Liners
Young girl to older man: Sir, I don't think it's fair to compare Greenpeace to the Nazis.
--Washington Square Park
Overheard by: Nick
Teen girl to friend: Oh, I know about the Great Depression! That's when Hitler's wife poisoned her kids and then shot herself. She was really depressed.
--Colombus Library, 50th & 10th
Hipster chick: We're neutral like Switzerland, except we do more business with the Nazis, or, in this case, your mother.
--Forsyth & Houston
Teen son to mom: So, how's Hitler doing?
--2 train
Wednesday One-Liners, Not Drugs
Muscle man to another: You have to hug me more!
--18th & 6th
Overheard by: Joe Fenton
Hobo: I won't hug you if you give me money.
--6 train
Overheard by: Gabrielle
Little tourist girl, arms outstretched: Mommy, I just want to hug New York!
--49th, between 6th & 7th
Overheard by: Scarfish
Lesbo on cell: I just hugged a man. I don't even know him!
--Christopher St
Overheard by: Jericho n' drop
Panhandler: If you don't have money and you're fairly attractive, give me a hug and we'll call it even.
--F train
Wednesday H. One-Liners!
Tourist fighting crowd and accosted by preacher with flyers: 'Cause it's not crowed enough without Jesus on the sidewalk?!
--Times Square, 45th & 7th
Hoochie: It is hard to think about Jesus with a dick in your mouth.
--O'Connor's Bar, Brooklyn
Overheard by: Was just watching the game until I heard that
Hobo: Ladies and gentlemen, today I'd like to talk to you about our Lord. Now, let's be honest, you all look beaten, you look broken, you need the light of the Almighty. Well, for just five cents a day I can bring Jesus into your life. Just five cents in my cup and you can have our savior for the rest of the day. Don't be shy -- you can all have Jesus for the entire month if you want.
--Crowded S train leaving Grand Central
Four-year-old boy waving at Evan Almighty poster: Hi, Jesus!
--63rd Dr, Rego Park station
Conductor: Ladies and gentlemen, Jesus Christ is driving this train.
--F train
Middle schooler: When I die I'm gonna go to heaven and ask Jesus if Santa Claus is real, and then I'm gonna laugh in your face!
--Fort Tyron Park
Overheard by: E.F. Schubert
Mother Goose's Wednesday One-Liners
Small girl's voice from inside tube: Repeat, I have the prisoner, over.
--McDonald's playland, 69th & Metro, Queens
Little girl: Mommy, there are no good stones in this city anymore.
--79th & 5th
Little girl, proudly: Mommy, I found this on the floor of the supermarket, so I put it in my mouth.
--Waldbaum's Supermarket, Sheepshead Bay
Little girl swinging around a receipt: I don't have to pay taxes! Taaax-esss.
--66th & Broadway
Overheard by: Wishing I didnt have to either
There's a Thin Line between Love and Wednesday One-Liners
Wailing little kid in leggings: I hate my life! I hate my life!
--N 4th & Bedford, Williamsburg
Overheard by: Alison
Small chick to big guy: What? Hold it. Stop -- you just told me that you hate all of my favorite fruits...
--Orchard & Delancey, LES
Dude to chick: The only reason I like you is because you don't hate me when I fart in your face.
--Hudson & Perry
Hobo: People hate each other... so they get married.
--Platform, 53rd & 5th
Overheard by: Nick
Suit: Ah, young people in love... I hate you all.
--Carl Schultz Park
Wednesday One-Liners -- So Meaty!
MTA lady to another: I thought he had an earring in his tongue, but it was a meatball! It was like a little extra piece of meat on his tongue!
--3 train station
Chick: Gosh, they keep the kosher kitchen security so tight. What would they do if I just ran in there and touched everything with pork?
--Hewitt dining hall, Barnard College
Overheard by: laughed inside
Bimbette: Yeah, she's a vegetarian now. No turkey, no meat -- nothing. But I don't know what she's gonna do at Thanksgiving, because my aunt makes the best eggplant. Wait -- is eggplant meat?
--A train
Overheard by: nas
Dude: This girl I know is vegan. She was ordering soup and asked if it had meat in it. It did, and she was pissed... And then I found five dollars!
--23rd & Madison
50-ish woman on cell: The sausages, the arguing... He won't be back.
--Court St & Atlantic Ave, Brooklyn
Overheard by: lisa Santandrea
Really tall guy folding himself into a Toyota Corolla: Don't let me forget -- I have a pocket full of meat!
--7th St, between Ave A & B
Overheard by: Siobhan
They Call Wednesday One-Liners Aaron Burr 'Cause of How They Drop Hamiltons
Man: There are just two problems. Number one, I can't find anything to invest in. Number two, I have no money.
--Elevator, 56th & Lex
Overheard by: marisa
Man: So, what exactly does 'You can win up to a million dollars' mean?
--7th Ave, Park Slope
Overheard by: Rachel P
Whiny waitress: You know that asshole Conan O'Brien. He didn't tip me at all on a fifteen hundred dollar tab!
--Main St, Roosevelt Island
Subway prophet: You got your money? Lady, you got your money? You got your jewels? I ain't gonna rob ya, but you can't take it with you! You can't take none of that with you! You got your fine things, but you can't take that shit with you! Give it to me instead!
--3 train
Young man on cell: I'm thinking maybe I should marry the girl, 'cause she's got lots of money... And I do kinda love her.
--Forest Hills
Overheard by: Abi