You're Not Using My Back As a TV Table

Guy #1: Actually, I can only have orgasms while I eat good food.
Guy #2: This is why I wear diapers.

--Richardson St & Graham Ave, Williamsburg

Overheard by: martimus

Got a Watch That Accurately Measures 30 Minute Increments?

Man: I sell watches. I'm going to have cards made... I'm a horologist.
Chick: I'm just a whore.

--50th & 10th

Overheard by: sister mary ann

Somebody's Going to Fail the Analogies Section

Test-taker #1: You know how good a test location is by the ratio of people to Asians.
Test-taker #2: Huh?
Test-taker #1: That's how it's done.

--Line for SATs, Martin Luther King High

Let Me Check My Phrase Book...

Foreigner, about hot chick passerby: I would like to date her.
Passerby: I think you mean rape her.

--558 Driggs Ave, Brooklyn

If Persephone Were from the Bronx

Thugette #1: Yo, it's brick out.
Thugette #2: Yeah, and it's March.
Thugette #1: Yo! It's almost summer!
Thugette #3: Summer would be good for us!

--Bronx-bound 2 train

With Their Soft Fur and Surprisingly Dexterous Hands...

Man #1: Cops can get away with anything these days.
Man #2: Yeah, they could rape a raccoon if they wanted to.

--Central Park

Overheard by: raccoon assaulter

I'm a Good American Like That

Sober girl: Ashley*, stop! You can't sleep there, that's a dumpster!
Very drunk friend, slurring: I'm easily lulled into complacency...

--NYU

Sweetie, This Is America -- Real Isn't Real

Dude: Who would win in a fight, Pinhead or Predator?
Chick: Definitely Predator.
Dude: But wait -- is pinhead real?

--Brooklyn

But It'll Seem Like a Lot Longer

Fat Midwestern girl: Is your dad a miner?
Thin European woman: Yes, he is!
Fat Midwestern girl: For how long has he been a miner?
Thin European woman, proudly: Thirty years!
Fat Midwestern girl: He'll be dead in 10 years.

--Q train

I Read That in Halle Berry's Autobiography

Chick #1: Oh my god, what happened?
Dude #1: That taxi just crashed into the building.
Dude #2: Yeah, it was just like in Lethal Weapon 4.
Chick #2: Wow, that's crazy.
Dude #2: There's no better way to pick up chicks than at the scene of an accident!

--57th & 7th

Go Three Blocks That Way and Turn Right at the Plastic Hotels

Obnoxious woman: Excuse me, excuse me! Do you know where Park Place is?
Jaded youth: Next to Boardwalk.
Obnoxious woman: Where is that?

--E Broadway

Overheard by: Mr. Money Bags

Which Was Exactly Why I Came Here

Suit #1: So, I was at lunch, and I went to Subway to get a sandwich...
Suit #2: Uh-huh...
Suit #1: And I ran into this other guy from work as I was walking out, and he says, 'Oh my god, I had no idea you were the kind of guy who would eat at Subway!'

--The North East Kingdom, Bushwick, Brooklyn

How'd He Ever Get Past the MTA's Rigorous Security? Hahaha... Sorry.

Man selling kitchen knives: Would you like to buy some knives?
Lady: That's a really stupid thing you're doing -- walking around on a moving train with knives. It's dangerous!
Man selling kitchen knives: Well, maybe you're a fucking bitch!

--C train

I Felt the Same Way about Sushi in El Paso

Southern tourist chick: I thought this city was supposed to be diverse. I haven't seen the first Mexican or Mexican restaurant yet.
Southern tourist guy: I think it's a different kind of diverse up here, honey.
Southern tourist chick: Well, all I know is that I want Mexican and there ain't no place to get it.

--59th & 5th

Overheard by: Jonathan

He's Only Ever Seen Them at Whole Foods

10-year-old #1: Man, if I was a duck, I would be like Darkwing duck, except I would have a jet pack so I could fly.
10-year-old #2: Dude, ducks can fly.
10-year-old #1: No they can't, man. That's why I would have a jet pack. Vrooom!

--Battery Park

We're Holding Your Diploma

Hunter student #1: So, are you a senior this year?
Hunter student #2: Is senior when your supposed to graduate?
Hunter student #1: Yes.
Hunter student #2: Okay, then yeah, I'm a senior.

--Hunter College

Overheard by: Thomas

I Will Require Examples, Followed by a Shower

Freshman boy #1: ... 'Cause when girls be getting freaky they get all... creative and shit.
Freshman boy #2: Yeah!

--Columbia University

Overheard by: Adrienne G.

Hypochondriacs Aren't Born, They're Made

Mom in stall: Oh, look, honey. There are toilet seat covers!
12-year-old, also in stall: Yay! Oh, yay!

--Newark Internat'l Airport

The Game -- 'Gaining Control by Withholding Information'

Father: Do you have to pee?
Son: No.
Father: Do you have to poo?
Son: Maybe.
Father: It kind of matters.

--Restroom, Barnes & Noble, Union Square

Overheard by: Jon A.

Clearly You've Never Seen a Cow Do a Beer-Bong

Drunk chick: Oh my god! Is AOL 'America online'?
Friend: Ummm, yes.
Drunk chick: Holy crap!
Friend: What did you think it was?
Drunk chick: Who the fuck are you? And why do you want to sell me something, you dirty sloot?
Friend: I'm your friend, and you're drunk.
Drunk chick: I am as sober as a cow.
Friend: What the hell?
Drunk chick: What does AOL stand for?

--Grand Central

Overheard by: noelle

I Told You -- No Ad Libbing

Mother: Hey! You come here right now! I can't afford to have you running all over this place.
Little boy: Let go of me! Let go of my hand! If you don't, I will hate you forever and disown you.
Mother: Hey, hey! That's my job.

--JFK airport

Overheard by: innocent passerby

It's Very Similar to the Sound of One Hand Clapping

Dad: You don't have to talk all the time!
Small boy: ... But I don't.
Dad: Oh, really?!
Small boy: Yeah. I don't talk in my sleep.
Dad: How the hell do you know that?
Small boy: When I'm sleeping I can actually hear myself not talking...

--27th & 7th

Overheard by: Kleid

Kevin Ends Up in Juvie with a Black Eye

10-year-old boy #1: So, I'll beat up the boys, and you beat up the girls.
10-year-old boy #2: Yeah! I love hitting girls!

--78th & 4th, Bay Ridge

Overheard by: Becka

I Believe You're Thinking of Your Marriage to Jennifer

Guy: So, when did you guys get married?
Husband: March.
Wife, at same time: May.
Husband: Uh-oh.

--6 train

What Kind of Ladies Do You Expect in the Village?

Frat boys in truck: Wooo! Where the ladies at?!
Queer couple, walking arm-in-arm: Right heeere!

--East Village

Overheard by: afro*T*siac

Feeling My Bitch Up!

Girl, stung by bee: Ahhh! That motherfucker pinched me!
Boy: I'm gonna kill that nigga bee!

--125th & Broadway

What's Your Point?

Stoned hipster girl #1: Have you looked at your chest recently?
Stoned hipster girl #2: Have you looked at your tortilla? It looks like you smeared it with shit.

--93rd & Broadway

What, Too Soon?

Female tourist, as flurries fall: Is that snow?
Male tourist: I think they're ashes!

--Ground Zero

Overheard by: wiliiam wilson

It's Important to Have a Cause

Dude: It was just so scary to overhear people talking on their cell phones saying all those things you associate with disaster.
Chick: Yeah.
Male passerby on cell: The problem with so many women is just that they don't have the right amount of support! I know more women who live miserably because they are wearing the wrong cup size! Just get measured!

--Central Park South

Either She's Packing Heat, or His Name's "J"

15-year-old preppy #1: I think Lisa's really cool. We should hang out with her more.
15-year-old preppy #2 Yeah, she seems like a really cool girl. I guess her boyfriend's in jail or something... And she has his name tattooed on her clit [gestures to stomach area] or something...

--Atlantic Ave

Apparently My Years of Intensive Instruction Have Paid Off

Lady #1: So, apparently my son was over at Jessie's house, and they were 'touching.'
Lady #2, reminiscing: Oh, the petting...
Lady #1: I know, what a tramp! So anyway, Jessie's mom was concerned about it, but I told my son, 'Damn, you go boy!'

--Wall St

Overheard by: also likes the petting

It'd Be Goodbye, Valtrex

Dog owner to pup bugging drunk girl: Heel, dog, heel.
Drunk girl's friend: Oh my god, what if that dog could actually heal you?!

--Outside Plug Uglies

Overheard by: Starkie

We Could Look for a Rocking Chair?

Hot ethnic chick: I'm thinking about going to IKEA this weekend. Wanna come?
Curly-haired designer type: You know, I'm gonna pass. I'm just too old for particle board.

--Mule Coffee, 5th Ave, Park Slope

I'd prefer if you just held me, like all the other times

Hobo: Let me sit in your lap and belch like a naughty girl!
Young man: Okay, now I'm freaked out.

--23rd & 6th

Overheard by: Zed

Headline by: tab

Runners-Up:
· "But That's Just The Acid. Have A Seat!" - Lalaith
· "But Not Sufficiently So to Decline Your Generous Offer" - andy
· "Dad, Im Getting to Old for That!!" - not again!
· "Go Home, Britney." - EKC
· "It Sucks to Be New York Santa" - aileen
· "Please Go Back to Humping My Leg." - Dennis
· "The Fairy God Hobo Can Make All Your Dreams Come True..." - Uulargh of the Prairie


Click here to see the new Headline Contest

Roosevelt Island Operating Company: Not on Our Watch

Boy: Mommy, what will happen if the tram falls into the river?
Mother: We will all die, darling. But I told you not to be afraid of dying!
Boy: But Mommy, I'm only eight! I'm too young to die!
Mother: Well, darling, stuff happens!

--Roosevelt Island tram

And Some Of Them Aren't Even Mob Covers.

High school kid #1: I've never been to Staten Island.
High school kid #2: It's weird -- there are random delis in between houses.

--1 train, between 59th & 50th St

Overheard by: JD

... But Would It Kill You?

Boyfriend, about punk girl passersby: Man, whatever happened to fake titties and a tan?
Girlfriend, possessing neither: Hey!
Boyfriend: Oh, sorry.

--Williamsburg

Overheard by: bemused eavesdropper

M4M Wednesday One-Liners

Queer: There are a lot of young kids out there learning how to spell 'glamorous,' and that makes me real happy.

--Canal Jeans Co

Queer to tourist: You're from Minnesota? My ex's father was a senator from Minnesota. I went there once to meet him... I forget his name, but what we did was very taboo.

--Prince St

Queer to another: Don't nudge me, you lesbian.

--Line for he Cyclone, Coney Island

Queer to boyfriend: You remind me of this autistic kid I worked with once.

--Park Ave

Overheard by: Katey

Queer on cell, perusing baked goods: I want a muffin. Do you want a muffin? This whole courtroom wants a muffin!

--Food Emporium

Overheard by: admittedly amused

Just Take Our Wednesday One-Liners So We Can Go Home

Street vendor selling children's bubble maker: Bubbles! Bubbles! Shit... Bubbles! Fuck!

--Midtown

Subway hawker with huge sign: Subway! Eat fresh! [Hot girl walks by] Hey, baby, you lookin' good! Don't you just walk away like that... You need to shave your legs, girl. Subway! Eat fresh!

--39th & 8th

Guy handing out free CDs: Hey, baby, you like hip hop? [Girl ignores him.] Whatever. You lookin' like Launchpad.

--Outside Virgin Megastore

Vendor: Get your peanuts! Get the first bag for five dollars and the second for the same price!

--Yankee Stadium

Dude selling programs for Avenue Q: Buy a program! If you don't, I'll tell you how it went. I'll ruin the whole thing. Buy a program and a CD! If he doesn't buy it, he doesn't really love you. This is your last chance... until later.

--Golden Theater

Overheard by: Gaby Young

Guy handing out Atkins snack bars: Get your free Atkins bar! The more you take, the sooner I go home.

--Outside NYSE

What Shall I Liken to Thee, O Wednesday One-Liners?

New school guy trying to impress girl: You have got to try it. It will change your life. It's like a more mature Smirnoff Ice.

--19th & 8th

Dude on cell: ... And then they beat me down, like little monkeys.

--E 7th & Ave H

Fat lady on escalator: He used to be a good-looking guy 'til he lost all his teeth. Now he's like Skeletor with death-breath.

--Duane Reade, 34th & 8th

Actor: Thanks for letting me borrow your phone. Oh, let me wipe my sweat off of it. I sweat like a Southerner in a spelling bee.

--Loews

Overheard by: kristin

Party-goer: I saved my eye crud for years. You know, that stuff you get in your eyes every morning? And we made this guy eat it. With milk. It was like human Grape Nuts!

--S 5th St

Wednesday One-Liners Did Not Chop Down That Cherry Tree

Girl on cell, gazing into window of Nine West: Look, I'm with a client right now so I really can't talk, okay?

--50th & 6th

Overheard by: Carol

Teen on cell looking at dresses: I'm just walking out of a movie theater... A movie theater!

--Banana Republic, 5th Ave

Overheard by: not at the movies

Thug to pissed girl on cell: Yo, I'm, like, dumb far right now, baby. I'm in, like, Brooklyn [gets into pimped-out car with friends pouring Arbor Mist into McDonald's cups and speeds off].

--106th & Broadway

Overheard by: Wendy Darling

Asian teen on cell: Hey, Emma, I'm back in Chicago! Yeah, want to hang out tomorrow?

--Park Slope, Brooklyn

Thugette on cell: I ain't tryin' to hear that! You know how I know you lyin'? 'Cause I just heard it say 'Stand by while your call is connected.' You know what that means? That means you in jail, nigga. Don't give me no shit that you're in Chicago for the week.

--39th & Lex

Overheard by: Adrian

Wednesday One-Liners Have Loose Lips

Lady suit: Trevor is one of those 'close talkers.' He's got to respect my personal space because his breath always smells like pussy.

--C train, 14th St

Overheard by: I am safe in my space.

Chubby girl: Oh, shit, yo! My pussy came out! My pussy came out!

--Coney Island Beach

Thrilled girl: Remember when you had a funeral for my vagina on the subway?

--51st & Broadway

Overheard by: not mourning that one

26-year-old girl: My mother has the vagina of a 25-year-old!

--18th & 10th

Stripper to man: I just had a foot up my pussy, so I'm allowed to be mean.

--21st & 5th

Overheard by: ryan

Chick: Vaginas do not have taste buds.

--Times Square

Overheard by: Megan

Put Your Hands Down My Wednesday One-Liners and I Bet You'll Feel Nuts

Teen: There's a world war in my pants, and everyone's invited!

--Ft. Greene Pl

Overheard by: Liz

Mini thug to girls: Damn, bitches, slow down! You know a nigga can't walk in these pants.

--Queens

Hot chick: I'm just so sick of putting on pants.

--E train, WTC

Overheard by: inothernews

Cougar: She pulled down his pants and there it was, like a machine gun! Just hangin' there. Rat-a-tat-tat. It was that big.

--Blue & Gold, East Village

Overheard by: Evan

Man with hands down pants: I'm sorry... My penis is too long for these pants.

--62nd & Columbus

Overheard by: Caissie

The Wheels on the Wednesday One-Liners Go Round and Round

Bus driver: The next stop on this bus is Fifth Avenue. Please have your passports ready!

--M79 bus

Bus driver: This is the Manhattan number one bus. Destination: San Juan, Puerto Rico.

--M1 bus

Bus driver: East Tremont Avenue, transfer to the 40 and 42... Put on those running shoes, there's the 40 now!

--Fordham-bound Bx22 bus

Overheard by: Black Knight

Bus driver: Okay, now everyone move to the right side of the bus. We're running on three wheels today, and we have to stay balanced.

--M14 bus

Overheard by: Almost moved to the other side of the bus

Bus driver: To your right you'll see a bronze statue of Adam Clayton Powell, first black member of Congress... Looks like he's runnin' from the cops.

--125th & Adam Clayton Powell Blvd

Overheard by: sueinthecity

Bus driver, about jackhammers outside: Do you hear that, people? That's the sound of real labor! [Plays the sound of the jackhammers on the intercom] Embrace it!

--Q88 bus

Wednesday Wrote the Book on One-Liners

Suit on cell: Well, I'm in Barnes and Noble right now, actually [picks up skin care product]. Well, I was thinking about getting the Bill Clinton book...

--Sephora, Union Square

Dude: Are those people speaking sign language? That would be really cool... Although, there wouldn't be much point in them coming to a bookstore, unless they're in the braille section...

--Barnes & Noble

NYU girl on cell: Ugh! He keeps giving me all these books to read, and I feel like my mind is like, 'Okay, I get it. You're gay and that's fine...' But my body's like, 'I don't get it -- you want me to sit on this book so you can fuck me?'

--Washington Square

Lady on cell: Is that why you mad at me? Because you can't read? Damn!

--34th & Broadway

Overheard by: sj

Dr. Frankenstein's Wednesday One-Liners

Dude: Yeah, so I gotta get my intestine.

--96th & Broadway

Overheard by: Already Got One

Man on cell: My left testicle's on 57th Street, my leg's on 58th Street, and my nose is falling off!

--57th & 5th

Overheard by: Megan

Lady to friend: She's a wimp even though she ain't got no legs.

--43rd & 8th

Overheard by: snayl

Bimbette: Like, I totally starting choking. Something got stuck in my coccyx. It was bad.

--College Walk, Columbia University

Overheard by: DD

Gangsta on cell: I got a strong tongue. Any mood you in, I can fix.

--E Houston & Orchard

Crazy old man, pointing and yelling at little kid: Your skin is on backwards! Don't be naive!

--Washington Square Park

Overheard by: tj

Wednesday One-Liners Invest in the Biotech Industry