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Hold My Ankles, Okay?
Girlfriend, drinking sake: This is the dumbest method of consuming alcohol I've ever seen. And I've seen keg stands!
Boyfriend: I've done keg stands!
Girlfriend: I can't believe I'm dating you.
--Blue Ribbon Sushi
Then May I Suggest the Grilled Water?
Woman: Does the breakfast burrito come with fries?
Waitress: Yes.
Woman: Uh-uh. I can't be having a tortilla and potatoes -- I'm working on my pretty.
--Blue Moon, 17th & 8th
Overheard by: Matthew K Johnson
Beauty and the Beatdown
Daughter: Belle looks so beautiful.
Dad: I think your mom is prettier.
Mom: Oh, thanks, honey.
Guy behind them: Someone wants to get laid tonight.
--Beauty and the Beast showing
Overheard by: Amanda
And by 'Interesting' I Mean 'I Want to Sleep With You'
Self-satisfied girl: I'm not sure how I feel about democracy. I mean, I enjoy the benefits, but it's like they say, 'Democracy is the worst form of government except for all the other ones.'
Dude: That's great! Who said that?
Self-satisfied girl: That guy de Tocqueville. You know, that little prince guy that came over here for a while. He taught us so much about ourselves.
Dude: That is so interesting.
--Court & Dean
Overheard by: lish
I Use a Gun Now
Man: Come on, baby, come back to my place!
Woman: Nah, the last time I went over to your place you stabbed me!
Man: Baby, that was four years ago!
--F train, Roosevelt Island
Overheard by: Milo
My Empathy Will Be Put on Hold until This Key Issue Is Resolved
Sad art girl: I missed you yesterday. Are you okay?
Happy art girl: Yes! I'm fine! I have blood in my eye!
Sad art girl: Oh... So, what do you think of Lindsay Lohan?
--Art college, Brooklyn
Overheard by: Jeffrey
And I Never Had Kids of My Own
Old lady #1: Why are you dating a 30-year-old guy?
Old lady #2: ... Well, he just got a haircut.
--Union Square East, 15th St
Overheard by: Steve Scalici
Hugh Grant Hasn't Worked in a While
Female cop to kissing couple: Get a room!
Guy, looking up: A room?! I can't even afford a blow job!
--Union Square
Overheard by: geneva c.
I Have the Squish Marks to Prove It
JAP #1: Well, whatever, I'm over him.
JAP #2: I was never under him.
JAP #3: I was.
--Times Square
Overheard by: ella
I'm Trying to Get the Marriage Annulled
Blonde: Oh my god! You can meet the guy from work who harasses me.
Sidekick: Like... sexually harasses?
Blonde: I don't know, but he's really annoying.
--Broadway & Broome
No -- Much Nicer Than That!
Drunk girl: My sister is coming! You have to be nice to her!
Guy: Yeah, sure... Who are you, again?
--Attorney & Houston
Overheard by: tj
When I'm More of a Fat Cow
Chick: You just don't get me sometimes!
Guy: Like how?
Chick: I don't like it when you call me a fat pig!
--1 train
Overheard by: Csmith
Please Go Stand Over There
Dude #1: Phew, it's warm down here.
Dude #2: Yeah, we should blow on each other.
--Crowded platform, 59th St
Overheard by: Lillian
Doesn't Mean Daddy Has to Hold Me Under Like That
Angry mom: Shut up! Stop crying like a wuss! You sound like a little girl!
Boy: 'Cause I don't wanna get wet! Tell him to stop!
Angry mom: Princess, you're already in the pool.
--Staten Island
I've Gotta Stop Dropping My Stuff
Dude on cell, leaning against door: Yeah, and then she texted me, 'I'm pregnant, you're the father,' and I stopped in the middle of the street and screamed, 'Fuck!'
NYU student pushing open door: Excuse me.
Dude, dropping cell: Fuck!
--NYU Library
Overheard by: Ms. Manners
Mello Asian
White suit to another, seeing Asian guy: I'm sure he'll help us. He's yellow... Uh, I mean, Asian...
--Q train, 14th & Union Square
Why Do All These People's Cell Phones Work on the Subway?
Ghetto nerd chick #1, to girl talking about Harry Potter on cell: Aw, hell, no she didn't! I have not been reading that shit since I was 13 to have the final ending fucked up by some crackwhore-looking bitch on her stupid pink faggot phone! Oh, fuck you, bitch! Fuck you! I'm going to kill you, feed you to wolves, then nuclear bomb the entire planet!
Ghetto nerd chick #2, into cell: I know, yeah... What? Oh, just some crazy bitch. Yeah, and can you believe that they killed off--
Ghetto nerd chick #1, covering her ears and singing: --Stuck on a train with a big fat whore. Stuck on a train. La-lala-lala...
--S train
Fire Claims Lives of Hundreds of Potter Freaks; Arson Suspected
Frat boys shouting: Voldemort! Voldemort!
Gryffindor girl to friend: If that fucking Slytherin reads the last page aloud to me, I swear I'm going to shove this fucking wand up his nose!
--Harry Potter Midnight Madness Party, Barnes & Noble
Overheard by: Pat Miller
Hamilton Was Cute, but I Hear Lincoln Had a Giant Cock
White teen girl, about statue of Alexander Hamilton: Look at him! I mean, he's such a dreamboat... That's why he's my favorite federalist.
Mom: And what did your class call him?
White teen girl: Hammy! And he was big pals with B-Frank, and Johnny Ads, and G-Dubya, and J-Marsh, and... And... And I can't remember any more founding fathers, but of course they all had their own gangsta names, too. They were big pimpin' over there in Independence Hall. The only things they were missing were the hos... And that's why Abby A. wanted them to remember the ladies.
--Columbia University
Overheard by: That other girl
Or I Could Revive with Cocaine, Like Casey Over There
Conductor #1: There is a train ahead of us at the station. We'll be moving shortly.
Conductor #2: The D just crossed in front of us. Now there's an A and a D. I'm tired, too. I was out 'til four AM last night. I'm gonna take a nap!
--A train
Overheard by: is this man ok to drive?
The Circle of Life
Panhandler: I scored 50 bucks off those assholes today.
Drug dealer: Sweet. You wanna buy some pot?
Panhandler: Yup. Gimme 50 bucks worth.
--St. John's Pl & Underhill Ave, Brooklyn
Overheard by: someone who always suspected this
In Which Case He Should Be Euthanized
Rushing dad dragging kid along: Well, most super guys are good guys.
Four-year-old son: No, some super guys are bad.
Rushing dad: What would make a super guy a bad super guy?
Four-year-old son: Well, he might suck. Like, if he couldn't walk fast...
--Penn Station
Overheard by: klutch
Any Excuse for Balloons
Teen #1: Yo, I think Johnny graduated high school this year!
Teen #2: Are you sure, yo? That don't sound like him.
Teen #1: Yeah. I walked by his house the other day and there were balloons and shit.
Teen #2: Shit, that don't mean nothin'. That nigga always be celebratin' somethin'.
--Port Authority
You're So Creative -- I Wish I Was Dying
Hipster girl #1: Did I tell you what I'm doing with my MRI prints?
Hipster girl #2: No!
Hipster girl #1: I'm making them into a purse!
--Driggs & N 10th, Williamsburg
Overheard by: Lauren
Happiness Is a Warm Gun
Hipster chick, with gun charm on necklace: Can I get a Diet Coke?
Greek clerk: I like that gun. It looks like the one I keep under my mattress.
--Canal & Eldridge
I Just Won't Date a Girl Who Smells Worse Than Me
Chick: Are you sure you're not gay?
Hipster dude: Yes.
Chick: But you're so picky and shallow about girls.
Hipster dude: No, I'm not.
Chick: You said you wouldn't date Kelsey because she has dirt under her nails.
Hipster dude: Well, yeah!
Chick: See?
Hipster dude: No.
--NYU
Hairy, and His Lips Are Always Flapping
Five-year-old son: Why does everybody call Daddy a pussy? And what is that?
Mother: Daddy is the definition of a pussy.
--Prada store, Soho
Overheard by: Sandra Dittmeyer Hunter Jones
Too Bad We Can't Say the Same for You
Drunk boyfriend at party: Babe, get me some chicken on a stick.
Annoyed girlfriend: Get it yourself.
Drunk boyfriend: But I might make a mess and embarrass you...
Annoyed girlfriend: I don't care anymore.
Girl passerby, handing him chicken on a stick: Here, have some chicken!
Annoyed girlfriend: Maybe you should date her.
Male passerby: Yeah, she seems like a keeper.
--Gibson Studios, W 54th, between 9th & 10th
His Sister Is This Chick
Frat boy: Yo, those chicks are hot. Let's cat-call them. How do you cat-call?
Friend: Ummm...
Frat boy, yelling: Cat-call! This is an official cat-call!
--E Houston & Mulberry
Overheard by: barapa
But It Was Always Business
Old frat boy #1: So, I heard you have a pee fetish.
Old frat bay #2: I'm not gonna lie, I've peed on some girls in my day.
Old frat boy #1: Awesome.
--Bar, Spring St
He's Going to Be One Disappointed Dead Guy
Teen boy #1: We've had three or four pregnancy scares.
Teen boy #2: What?!
Teen boy #1: Yeah. One time it turned out she just skipped her period... But it just feels so good to finish inside! It feels heavenly. It's probably what it feels like to meet God.
--Shea Stadium
Overheard by: Taylor
For Her, Beauty Is Only Foreskin Deep
Chick #1, pointing at man leaving: That guy's fly was open the entire ride.
Chick #2: Wow, you're so observant. You notice everything.
Chick #1: I'm just really superficial.
--L train
I Would Date That Rock
Comic geek: Talking kryptonite?! That was the worst thing ever!
Cute employee: Oh, yeah?
Comic geek: Yeah! A couple years ago they did a story that was narrated by Arkham Asylum. I mean, that made sense. Fuckin' Arkham! But talking kryptonite? What the fuck is that?
Other employee: Maybe it wasn't kryptonite. Maybe it was just a rock with green paint and low self-esteem.
--Midtown Comics, Grand Central
Who Would Be Middle Aged And Be Sober?
Middle-aged lady: Look at that girl! Drunk and it's not even four PM!
Friend: She's not drunk, it's just her shoes!
Middle-aged lady: But... Who would wear high heels and be sober?
--1st & 1st
Overheard by: eliza... the one with the heels
Headline by: Lalaith
Runners-Up:
· "British Comedians in Drag?" - Barry P.
· "I'll Take Old Trades for $100, Alex" - Martin de Bruin
· "She's Also Not a She. Not Originally Anyway." - eric bostrom
· "The Same People Who Wear Crocs While Not Stoned Out Of Their Minds" - Cecilia
· "With Ann Coulter, You Can Never Be Sure." - Jon T
Click here to see the new Headline Contest
She Spent an Hour in Her Driveway This Morning Telling Her Car to Go
Clerk to woman trying to use debit card: You have to confirm.
Woman: How I do that?
Clerk: With the keypad you're holding.
Woman, using keypad as cell phone: I confirm!
--Electronic store, Times Square
Overheard by: French dude
Every Straight Man. Every Single Time.
Girl holding tally sheet: Do you want to stick this in my thinger?
Male coworker: You're lucky it's me. In the real world--
Girl holding tally sheet: --In the real world people wouldn't take it there.
--NYU SCPS
Overheard by: she's lucky i'm gay
White People: Oh Snap, Yo!
Black teen #1, after horror movie preview: Oh, snap, yo!
Black teen #2: Stop being black at the movies!
Black teen #1, in a high voice: Oh, that was totally cool!
--Regal Theater, 42nd St
Overheard by: Rachel
Waiter, There's a Fly in My Wednesday One-Liners
Man on cell: I'm on my way to Outback Steakhouse! No one knows I go there.
--E 13th & 5th
Mom to teen daughter: This is a very interesting place. It kind of has a European feel.
--Au Bon Pain, 8th St
Pixie-hipster girl: Yeah, y'know, I haven't done much since I moved here. I've mostly been walking around the village eating at vegan restaurants.
--Rocks Off Concert Cruise
Loud chick on cell: You know I don't believe in going to chains in New York...
--Cosi, 77th & Broadway
Overheard by: me neither
Chubs: Restaurant week is like Hanukkah for us fatties!
--Little West 12th & 9th
Overheard by: j9
Wednesday One-Liners Have Lipstick on Their Collars
Chick on cell: It was amazing! We spent the entire night together. We really connected. It just doesn't seem like his wife knows him at all... Well, okay, Dad, gotta run. Love you, too.
--Smith & Baltic, Brooklyn
JAP with coldsore: I can't date Jewish guys anymore. I mean, I really like Jewish guys, but I can't stand them. Just because I'm dating someone, it doesn't mean I can't have sex with someone else!
--Murray Hill Diner
Chick: I thought it was bad being cheated on with an underage albino, but at least she wasn't a fat tranny.
--42nd St
Girl on cell: I really had to talk about it, and I knew I couldn't leave anything about our relationship on his answering machine! His wife listens to that! And his kids!
--67th & Broadway
Hipster chick: The married one I was having an affair with -- if he MySpaced me, it'd be rude not to MySpace his wife, right?
--Mott & Prince
Wednesday One-Liners Keep K-Y in Business
Man on cell, playfully: Who are you? Who are you? Why are you in my house? Who are you? Where's my wife? If I come home and you're still there, I'm going to stick a hot sausage up there... A hot sausage up there! And a hot dog up your butthole. A hot sausage up there and a hot dog on the other side, and we'll see who gets which one first.
--President & 5th, Park Slope
Overheard by: Nick Draven
Chick: I don't know how much further up his ass I need to be. I mean, I'm already really far up his ass already...
--Columbus Circle
Overheard by: Alan
Hipster girl: ... And then he had his finger up my boyfriend's asshole!
--Cargo Cafe, Staten Island
Student: If a steak comes out of your butt, I'll worship you. Screw school -- you can just win bets by betting on whether a steak will come out of your butt. Just put a towel and move it away and be, like, 'Ta-da!'
--CCNY
Overheard by: Liz
Don't Get Your Wednesday One-Liners in a Twist!
Hot British chick on cell, looking through her bag: Oh, dear! I still have your knickers!
--Outside FIT
Overheard by: epsd101
Disgusted teen to pals: You don't put dirty underwear in a Marc Jacobs handbag!
--75th & Park
Overheard by: Oh to be Priveledged...
Whiny girl: I feel so shitty tonight, like if my D cups were B cups or something.
--Grand Central
Overheard by: Trixie
Asian guy to another: By the end of the summer, both of us better be A cups!
--Bronx Science
Overheard by: LSB
Girl: What do you mean you don't know?! Look in your underwear!
--12th & 1st
Overheard by: Thinking about my tighty-whities
Wednesday One-Liners Give a Hoot and Don't Pollute
Conductor: Last call for trash... Last call for trash... One last, desperate call for trash...
--Amtrak, Penn Station
Overheard by: wondering why he wanted trash so badly
Lady: I can say this without any rancor in my heart: She is a piece of human garbage.
--Houston & Hudson
Overheard by: Harriet Vane
JAP on cell: Ugh, I hate when they ask me to buy a Coach purse! I wouldn't even buy it retail. Like, really, do I look like white trash?
--Canal St
Conductor: Ladies and gentlemen, this is a reminder not to litter on the trains... 'Cause if you litter, I'll get all up in your grill like George Foreman. Thank you.
--R train, Whitehall station
Overheard by: creepy
Guy on cell: Guess what I did yesterday? I peed in a bottle... Wait, that's not even the best part! Afterward, I threw it down the trash chute. What? Too much information?
--33rd St, between 3rd & Lex
Overheard by: Emily Duncanson
Without Wednesday One-Liners, the Terrorists Win
Teacher to student: You don't look like a golfer; you look like a terrorist.
--Brooklyn Tech
Flyer guy: No one goes to those run-of-the-mill Broadway shows on a Saturday night! The only people going to them is the Bin Laden family, and you don't want to sit next to them. They'll blow you to smithereens!
--Times Square
Overheard by: annahj
Young kid, about fireworks nearby: Look, Mommy! They're planning a terrorist attack!
--13th & 2nd
Dude: Prisons are nice, man. I'd rather go to prison than be out here with the terrorists! it's safer in prison.
--Court & Livingston, Brooklyn
Overheard by: cary
Where the Fuck Are Wednesday One-Liners?
20-ish girl: Is this the line for the park?
--Line for Neue Gallery, 85th & Madison
Elderly Hindu getting off bus: Where is New York?
--Port Authority
High school girl looking at Lincoln Center: Oh my god, what's that mall over there?!
--64th & Broadway
Overheard by: Peter
Pharmacy employee: Can I get to the UK by train or something?
--110th & Broadway
Overheard by: Rebecca Cukier
Bimbette: Madagascar was made up for the movie, right?
--The Met
Wednesday One-Liners Bring a Dripping, Burning Sensation
High school chick: You can totally get rid of syphilis with a pill. I know, because my boyfriend gave it to me.
--Gravy Restaurant, Brooklyn
Hipster to friend: If it's me we're talking about, I'd rather have HIV than syphilis. But that's just me.
--Norfolk & Rivington
Overheard by: passerby
Teen girl on cell: There's no way I'm inviting her to my Sweet Sixteen. I mean, she gave my brother herpes!
--Urban Outfitters, Soho
JAP on cell: Ummm... Some crazy lady just threw her coffee all over my legs. You don't think I'll get AIDS, do you?
--Penn Station
Overheard by: Christina
Old lady on cell: Well, HIV isn't contagious...
--JFK
WASP lady on cell: Woo-hoo! Herpes! Mexican herpes! Yay!
--57th & Madison
Overheard by: benvolio
Excited white gangsta: ... And all's they did was take some blood from the baby and sees that it had gonorrhea, and I was cleared!
--148th & 3rd, Bronx
Homer Simpson Loves His Spider-Wednesday One-Liners
Girl: I was afraid I was going to say something like, 'I named my fetal pig after you!'
--40th & 8th
Man: Sent him a picture -- it wasn't him. When he got there, it was a fat little pig...
--43rd & 9th
Overheard by: cjs
UWS mom to baby in stroller: This little piggy went to market, this little piggy went home, this little piggy had tofu, this little piggy had none... And this little piggy went, 'Wee, wee, wee!' all the way home.
--1 train, 79th St
Overheard by: PJ
Woman: Pigs are much happier in Europe. I know.
--Court St., Cobble Hill
Overheard by: Katie Bunny