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Translation: I Tire of This Topic
Guido #1: I'm telekinetic. So are you. We all are!
Guido #2: What are you talking about?
Guido #1: Think about it! Look, I'm lifting my arm. What's moving my arm?
Guido #2: Kinetic impulses to your muscles... Your brain.
Guido #1: Ah, but what's telling my brain to lift my arm?
Guido #2: Your mother.
--7 train
Overheard by: Hipster #3
Tourists: What the Fuck?!
Old lady with heavy accent, pointing to closed store: What's that?
Young lady: I'm not sure.
Old lady: Is that a pahwn shop?
Young lady, startled: No, that looks like a pawn shop...
Old lady: That's what I said -- a pahwn shop.
Young lady, relieved: Ohhh, I thought you said 'porn shop'!
Old lady: No, I said 'pahwn,' not 'pahwn.'
Young lady: Oh, you say them exactly the same!
Old lady: I do?
Young lady: Yeah! Say 'aw.'
Old lady: Ahw.
Young lady: Now say 'or.'
Old lady: Ahw.
Young lady: No, it's orrr. With an R.
Old lady: That's what I said -- 'ahw.'
--M20 bus, near 34th & 8th
Overheard by: trying not to laugh too hard
Some Viruses Do Less Damage Than Others
Chick: You have to be really careful nowadays downloading things online.
Dude: Amber, I have been downloading porn since I was 11. I think I know what I'm doing...
--F train
If You Promise Not to Lick Them This Time
Receptionist: Now, if you're good, Jason, I'll let you play with the models.
Five-year-old Jason's dad: What models?
Receptionist: The prostate models.
--Smoke break outside Urologist's office, 6th & 6th, Brooklyn
I Mean, I Assume He's Sleeping with Her
Woman #1: You know that wasn't a real woman, right?
Woman #2: I don't know, I don't know. I gotta ask my husband. He'll know.
--23rd & 3rd
I Show Them
Chick #1 on cell: I mean, have you ever shaved your pussy and then a couple of nights later you can't sleep because it itches so bad?
Chick #2: Um, hello, we can all hear you.
Chick #1 to #2: Well, has it ever happened to you?
Chick #2: Well, yeah, but I don't tell the whole subway.
--F train
Overheard by: You have now
... Watch
NYU student: It must be hard to kill someone.
NYU professor: No, it's not.
--Washington Square Park
Overheard by: Blazed
Actually, I'm Not. I'm Tired of Pretending
Girl #1: ... So then she told me that I should get her socks. Do you really think that Jane* would want socks for Christmas?!
Girl #2: Socks are like the gift that people give when they hate you. Socks and soap!
Girl #3: Um, yeah... [Girls #1 and #3 look at each other.]
Girl #2: Oh, shit! I gave you socks for your birthday... Sorry about that.
--50th & Lex
Tough to Beat a Southern Gentleman in a White Suit
Boy #1: The fact is, KFC is the best.
Boy #2: Never! Burger King all the way. Does KFC have chicken fries?
Boy #1: Does Burger King have Colonel Sanders?
Boy #2: ... Good point.
--Stuyvesant High
Overheard by: Best and Brightest in NY?
And She Only Gave Me a B on My Midterm
Prep school boy #1: So, does she still like you?
Prep school boy #2: Yes, and she's ruining my hallway experience.
--G train
Overheard by: Erin Partridge
How I Met Your Other Dad
Short guy, stepping on tall guy's heel: Sorry.
Tall guy: Yeah.
Short guy: I said I was sorry!
Tall guy: What?
Short guy: I said I was sorry, alright?
Tall guy: Okay, whatever--
Short guy: --Well, say something, asshole!
Tall guy: Fuck off!
Short guy: What?!
Tall guy: Fuck off! Fuck off!
Short guy: Yeah, yeah...
--43rd & 8th
Overheard by: Matthew K Johnson
There's an Itchy Redness in My Angina
Lady #1: The doctor has me on all kinds of medication for my STD.
Lady #2: Oh?
Daughter of lady #1: Mom, for the last time, it's 'SVT,' not 'STD.' You have a heart condition, not a sexually transmitted disease.
Lady #1: Shit, I really have to stop getting those two things mixed up!
--E train
Just Don't Try to Fill Them Up With Dirt
Bimbette daughter: So, you like, had to, like, grow corn and shit when you were little?
Old hippie father: Yeah, before I moved to Oregon. We had cows.
Bimbette daughter: Ewww! You had to milk cows?
Old hippie father: Yeah, but cows don't help with household chores, though. Only crocodiles can do that.
Bimbette daughter: Word.
--Barnes & Noble
Black on Black Bureaucracy
Angry black lady: That asshole conductor said there is another train coming but did not say when! I need to get to Brooklyn!
Black conductor, trying to calm her down: Why are you screaming at me? I'm just as black as you are!
--2/3 platform, 34th St
Overheard by: Michmeister
Guys Are Such Shitty Communicators
Girl #1, nonchalantly: So I was just like, 'Whatever.'
Girl #2: Right.
Girl #1, angrily: But then he was just like, 'Whatever.'
Girl #2: What?!
Girl #1, victoriously: Yeah! So then I was just like, 'Whatever.'
Girl #2: He's such an asshole.
--87th & Broadway
Overheard by: Emily
Luckily My Clients Are Better Liars Than I
Woman: How's witness prep going?
Man: Not good. I just can't keep the story straight.
--Line to get into Daily Show
I Run the Hobo Gauntlet Every Day
Yuppie girl: I need to get an exfoliant. You know that weird rough patch on my face?
Yuppie guy: Yeah.
Yuppie girl: I had it for a few weeks and just realized it was dead skin cells.
Yuppie guy: Ew.
Yuppie girl: Yeah, I just thought it was dried spit.
--Whole Foods check-out line, Columbus Circle
Overheard by: bathed and exfoliated daily
If James Dean Were Still Alive Today
Man: Do you wanna ride in the sidecar of my motorbike? My son does that all the time. We go really fast!
Teen girl: Yeah, sure, I'd love to go in your pre-war sidecar. With a bit of luck, all my friends will see me with some crazy bald man and that will be the end of my life. No, thanks!
--The Village
Kindly Clarify Your Objection
Girl #1: I'm living the good life.
Girl #2: No, you're not! You just sit around eating pie all day.
--The Bowery
What Professors Drink to Forget
Professor: ... Immanuel Kant.
Girl #1: What's that guy's name? Cunt?
Girl #2: Kant.
Girl #1: Cunt?
Girl #2: Kant.
Girl #1: Cunt?
--Eugene Lang College, The New School
Overheard by: rpk
How Language Evolves
Eight-year-old girl: Why you gotta be yap-yap-yapping all the time on your phone?
15-year-old sister: Shut up! You crazy!
Eight-year-old: Oh, yeah? You a como!
15-year-old sister: What the hell is a 'como'? That's not even a word!
Eight-year-old: Yes it is! 'Co-' like 'cold,' and 'mo-' like 'mole,' on your face!
15-year-old sister: Crazy...
Eight-year-old: You a como. I ain't crazy [gives sister the finger].
--Bx15 bus
I'm Sick of This Hypothetical Shit
Guy: So, if I told you that your eyes reminded me of the color of shit, would you be offended?
Over-sensitive girl: Yeah...
Guy: But your eyes are blue!
--Union Square
Overheard by: Caesar22
Life Is Fatal, but Never Serious
Latino: It's fucking warm, yo!
Building custodian, in heavy Trinidadian accent: So it is, mon! So it is!
Latino: The world is going to end very soon, yo!
Building custodian: Maybe so, my brotha!
Latino: No! I'm fucking serious, yo!
--151 W 26th St, Chelsea
Overheard by: jairoski
Interpret This Insult for Us and Win Our Respect
Guy #1: I've been playing the guitar for years.
Guy #2: You play guitar like Bette Midler has sex.
Guy #1: Fuck you.
--86th & Lex platform
Overheard by: Mikey P.
Nor the Commissions That Run Them
Small girl: Mama, can we take off our shoes when we get to the park?
Mother: Absolutely not! I don't trust parks.
--8th St & University Pl
He Went Away to Harvard and Never Came Back
Teen boy: I wanna get an American Eagle sweater.
Teen girl: I wanna punch you in the face.
--R train, Bay Ridge Ave
Sherry: Did Ratatouille Mean Nothing to You?
Guy #1: It may take a few tries, but it works -- you can flush them down the toilet.
Guy #2: I didn't think you could flush something, y'know -- solid. Don't they jam up the toilet?
Guy #1: Nope. I guess they're not big enough, or maybe I've been lucky, but I've never had a problem.
Guy #2: If you're going to kill them anyway, I don't see why you have those live traps.
Guy #1: Sherry won't let me get regular traps, so I don't tell her I'm flushing the mice, and everything's cool. I just tell her I'm setting them loose outside.
--6 train, 23rd & Park
Are You Sure
Child: Tia Jeanette, did you know that the tourist-ists brought down the twin towers?
Tia Jeanette: No, no, no, Anthony, it was the terror-ist.
Child: Ohhh...
--Ground Zero
Pickles Require a Sin Tax, for Obvious Reasons
Customer: Can I get two dollars of pickles, please?
Falafel guy: That'll be three dollars.
--Moshe's Falafel stand, 46th & 6th
Overheard by: Nettle
I Think I Can Help
Drunk girl #1: This was a bad idea.
Drunk girl #2: What? Drinking?
Drunk girl #1: No. Living.
--Lower East Side
Love Your Scarf, by the Way -- Is That Chiffon?
Suit #1: Arrrgh! I always wanted a pirate party... Make ye walk the plank.
Suit #2: Yeah, that would've been cool. What about a princess party? I don't understand why only girls got those...
Suit #1: Arrrgh, matey. No kidding.
--Cafe Metro, 39th & 7th
Overheard by: Kelly
It's Frozen Water That's Good at Public Speaking
Guy: Bitch, I bet you couldn't even spell 'rhetorical.'
Girl: Yes I can! R-H-E-T-O-R-I-C-L-E.
Guy: Are... Are you serious?
Girl: Yeah! Who's the dumbass now?!
--1 train
Overheard by: pokey
Stupid Norman Conquest
Dumb teen: So, you're from France?
English girl: No, I'm from England.
Dumb teen: Oh, right. What part of England is France in?
--Outside B & J's Steakhouse
Overheard by: Giggling into my Soda
Thanks, Dad.
45-year-old man: ... And since I'm on my way to a business meeting, this drink I just bought you is tax deductible.
College girl: Well, that's nice, I guess.
45-year-old man: Yeah, you've got a big butt and you're tax deductible. That's how I like them.
--Coffee Shop Bar, 14th St
Headline by: Snark Sloper
Runners-Up:
· "Accountant Pickup Line #65337-2366-26637-1" - Works For Me
· "Baby Got Back. -- Cf, Form 1040 Schedule C Line 27" - chris
· "Monica Lewinsky: This Sounds Familiar..." - D. Kareem
· "Until She Capital Gains All That Weight" - Vasyl
Click here to see the new Headline Contest
Whatever Lola Wants
Guy: Come on, baby, let's just go inside.
Tranny: I'm not speaking to you unless you take me to Gucci.
--Carroll & 5th, Park Slope, Brooklyn
Overheard by: melizza
Worse and Worser
Frumpy fag hag: Oh my god, I hate swass.
Fat queer: Swamp ass? Oh my god, I know. I'm totally not wearing underwear right now.
--60th & Columbus
Overheard by: Ali
He Hasn't Cheated on You with Me All Week!
Girlfriend #1: What you got is real love. That nigga's jumpin' off balconies, gettin' a tattoo...
Girlfriend #2: That don't mean nothin'. Your father got 15 bitches' names on him.
Girlfriend #1: Bitch, he loves you!
--A train
Overheard by: Nicole
Wednesday One-Liners Take the Dirt-Road Detour
Teacher: No butt-fuck guys, no butt-fuck.
--Hunter College High
Overheard by: citysnidget
Hot chick: ... And so I was thinking, You're thinking about my brother while you're fucking my ass? No response necessary.
--32nd & Broadway
Cuban guy to Russian girl: All Russian girls I've ever met love anal sex. No, seriously, they are all into that shit -- and pomegranate.
--1st Ave
Overheard by: Asmar
Jock: ... And he was sodomizing a jaguar.
--81st & Amsterdam
Overheard by: impossible
Wednesday One-Liners Are a Part of Your Complete Breakfast
Exhausted executive: Woman, I am telling you -- it is Friday, and what I'm saying to you is, all I need is some alcohol and some stuffed mushrooms. Do you hear me?
--Grand Central
Old lady, screaming: It's not the quiche, Harry, it's the whole seven years!
--Lincoln Center
Overheard by: Rowanhood
Creepster: I'd like to spread Jessica Fletcher and Rose Nylund on a cracker and down 'em with a shot of Ensure!
--81st & Madison
Man: I don't trust upstate food anymore.
--Cab line, JFK
Overheard by: Sean McGurr
Budding entrepreneur: You mean, I can copyright the sandwiches I make? Put them in an envelope and mail them to myself?
--Stanton & Attorney
It's Not You -- It's Wednesday One-Liners
Chick: It was right after I said Greg broke up with him 'cause he didn't know where Darfur was.
--8th & Broadway
Woman over loudspeaker: You don't even miss me! You don't even have the decency to miss me!
--Whitehall St station
Overheard by: G
Hysterical girl in stall on cell: Why the fuck did she post 'Thanks again for that chicken parmigiana X-X-O-O' on your MySpace page?! What the fuck does that mean?! X-X-O-O?! And why did you buy her chicken parmigiana?! We just broke up three days ago and you're buying some other bitch chicken parmigianaaa?! Do you want to be with me or not?!
--Ladies' room, Bar
Black chick on cell: Okay, fine, we can break up! But dammit, I need fucking directions!
--Atlantic & Flatbush
Overheard by: Mike N
You Can't See the Forest for the Wednesday One-Liners
Woman on cell: I got out on the wing and said, 'I'm not going.' He said, 'I paid 10 grand to fuel this jet!' and he pushed me off... Well, I didn't control it too good. I wound up in a tree and it took three hours to get me down... I was just all cut up by the branches...
--Bagels Supreme, Brooklyn
Woman to boyfriend: I didn't know you could see individual leaves on a tree.
--A/C/E train
Overheard by: Monica
Dude: What's beer without a Christmas tree?
--5th Ave
Woman on cell: I saw her sitting in the litter box, and then she looked at me and she shot it up into the plants!
--Columbus Circle
Overheard by: Beck
Tourist mom to daughter with camera: Look, a tree! A tree! You can tell everyone you took a picture of a tree in Central Park!
--Central Park
Lady on cell: What did I do yesterday? Well, I finally took down the Christmas tree.
--Continental Ave, Forest Hills
Overheard by: Dandelion Isafleur
Don't Run with Wednesday One-Liners
Mini yuppie: No way. I'd put the knife down and walk away. You never run.
--9th St, Park Slope
Overheard by: Russ Wall
Old man tourist: He's drawin' a sword outta her, an' she's havin' a sexual fantasy.
--New Greco-Roman galleries, the Met
Overheard by: Harriet Vane
Yuppie to two girls: Yeah, but it's more personal if you stab them with a knife.
--Prospect Park West, Park Slope
Overheard by: diane
Kid to father: I'm sick of swords! My head is full of swords!
--Arms and Weapons wing, the Met
Overheard by: e.Beth
Girl struggling with knot: Do you have anything sharp? Like a sword? Wait a minute, I have a sword! [She pulls out a sword.]
--51st & 5th
Dad to rambunctious young sons: No! We are not getting swords out!
--Times Square
Overheard by: Tempo
Wednesday One-Liners! They're Just Like Us!
Guy shopping for condiments: A Rachael Ray olive oil? Really? Have we gone too far?
--Amish market, Park Pl
Overheard by: pri
Blonde to brunette: You don't understand... I was the Paris Hilton of Seattle...
--Bedford Ave
Overheard by: griffin
Bimbette bragging to server: Yeah, I'm like the Lindsay Lohan of New Jersey!
--Brooklyn Diner, Times Square
Office worker: I would bury Jennifer in a ditch somewhere for Jessica Biel.
--Staten Island
Mom to eight-year-old son: ... And that's why the gays are mad at John Travolta -- because he's a Scientologist.
--Court St & Atlantic Ave, Brooklyn
Overheard by: Tim
Disappointed lady to hubby: Well, I didn't see any celebrities in there!
--Outside Olive Garden, Times Square
A Carton of Wednesday One-Liners
Girl on cell: I'm getting on the train now, so I'll be there soon. Just wait for me on the corner and smoke something.
--Times Square
Overheard by: Devon
Smoker chick: I lose lighters like I lose men.
--Central Park
Overheard by: RENThead
Nerd: I don't even like smoking. I just like feeling like an arrogant jerk.
--LIRR to Penn Station
Overheard by: Heather Baharestani
Man to friends: I mean, I don't know about him. He doesn't play sports, he doesn't drink, smoke or do drugs... What kind of a life is that?
--Manhattan-bound M train
Overheard by: amazed
Hipster: The Statue of Liberty would be so much cooler if she had a cigarette.
--D train
Overheard by: dianora
Wednesday One-Liners Are So Sharp They Cut Themselves
Woman smoking outside bar: That's what I love about City College - we're all geniuses at City College!
--238th St, Riverdale, Bronx
Blonde: His MySpace's 'Who I want to meet' says 'Albert Einstein with big boobs.' Does that mean he thinks I'm smart?
--Astoria
Guy on cell: Can I speak with someone smarter than you? I'm pretty sure that there's someone smarter than you.
--Q101 bus on Steinway
Overheard by: Gregorio
Man talking to himself: There are geniuses, and there are penises...
--F train
Overheard by: Stella
Professor: Well, it's obvious that non-human animals are very smart - especially the smarter ones.
--Columbia University
Let's Talk about Wednesday One-Liners, Baby
Dude on cell: I'll give you the worst first -- I think I wanna fuck...
--52nd & 9th
Overheard by: tinyfoo
Man in hurry, muttering: Sex... Sex. Sex? Sex!
--8th & Broadway
Overheard by: Sam
Guitarist: To pack a theater, a good movie once in a while, and a can of tomato juice. That's all I want out of life, folks. Well, maybe a bit of sex, too.
--42nd St station
Overheard by: Spencer
20-ish guy to pal: So she says, 'Let's meet up. Food? Drinks? Sex? Sounds good.'
--8th & Broadway
Overheard by: meghoney
Hot chick on cell: ... But if you're having casual sex with her, why can't you have it with me?
--50th & 6th
Overheard by: Mao Carrera
Back Off, Man. I'm a Wednesday One-Linerist
Teacher: I mean, with all the salt I eat, my blood pressure should be equal to Avogadro's number over Planck's constant! But it's not...
--Brooklyn Tech
Overheard by: Liz
Middle-school Latina to posse of Asian males: Asian girls aren't smaller -- they have six muscles in their vagina, and white girls have four, and black girls have two. That's because black guys have the biggest penises, so the women have fewer muscles. And Asian men have the smallest, so the women have six muscles so it feels tighter... It's true. I learned it in biology.
--Brooklyn-bound N train
Overheard by: Shannon
Conductor: This is the train to Huntington. This is the train going to Huntington! If you didn't hear your stop before, this is not the train you're supposed to get on! Come on, people -- this is not quantum physics, people! If your stop is not called, this is not your train!
--LIRR, Huntington Branch, Jamaica stop
Overheard by: Jenn
Skanky mom: Just not too much science stuff, okay?
--In line, Museum of Natural History
Overheard by: Dork
Wednesday One-Liners Do Dallas
Chick on cell: Oh my god, I cried so much... Yeah, I'm going to go home and watch it again. Then I'm going to write ocean porn with my friend. When are you getting home?
--Penn Station
Overheard by: Bernard
Hipster: To sunshine, rainbows and gay porn!
--Sheep's Meadow, Central Park
Dude to chick: ... So she put the CD in the computer, and as Windows Media Player starts popping up, I remember I had been jerking it to lesbian porn about a half hour before that...
--Canal & Broadway
Overheard by: P. Mills
Hipster chick on cell: ... In Barnes and Noble's. Yeah, we'll be here for a while. I'm reading porn in the Science Fiction section... Yes, the Science Fiction section! So?
--Barnes & Noble, Astor Pl
Drunk guy: Yeah, so all these straight women are totally into this gay Japanese porn. You know, uh, what's it called? Yahweh?
--Ceol Irish Pub, Brooklyn
Overheard by: Rose Fox
Wednesday One-Liners Got Milk
12-year-old to friend: Pull on my nipples and scream!
--42nd & 5th, Brooklyn
Overheard by: Roger Mortis
Lady to male friend: So, I am unsure how you came to the conclusion that members of a particular race have awesome nipples.
--Bowery & 4th
Overheard by: beantowner
Dude: She was beautiful, but her nipples were like a car accident!
--Last Exit Bar, Brooklyn Heights
Overheard by: D
Police dispatch: Mister Nipple is at it again, Midtown.
--Chinatown
I'm a Kindergarten Teacher Now
Black guy: So, where you at these days?
Black chick: Newark -- where all the shootin' at.
--PATH station, Grove St
Luckily We're at Penn Station, So No One Smelled It
Five-year-old Korean boy with accent: Mommy, I fart! [Mom is silent.] Mommy, I fart! Did you hear it?
Korean mom, also with accent: I pretty sure everyone hear it.
--LIRR into Penn Station
Overheard by: c-smith
Well, Good Trying to Talk to You!
Old Turk #1: Hello!
Old Turk #2: How are you?
Old Turk #1: Where have I seen you before?
Old Turk #2: I don't know!
--Kennedy International Airport
Will History Remember Us As Fondly?
Boy staring at dinosaur fossil: Dude, these animals died a lot.
Friend: Word.
--Museum of Natural History
You're Right. I'll Kill You the First Chance I Get.
Little girl: Mommy, hold me! I'm lonely!
Fat tourist mom: For Christ's sake, Meghan, you're almost four! You're just going to have to be lonely sometimes.
--51st & 5th
Overheard by: Manhattman
Maybe on You...
Hipster girl #1: I was blowing him and it was taking, like, 20 minutes, so I finally told him to hurry up since my jaw was hurting.
Hipster girl #2: I hate that! How can they take that long to just finish?
Suit nearby: If you would do it right, it would only take two minutes.
--2 train
Overheard by: TP
As Explained in Horton Hears a Whore
Hoochie #1: Wait, he has a kid?
Hoochie #2: Yeah! Crazy, right?
Hoochie #1: So, are you going to be a step-mommy?
Hoochie #2: No, no, no... Not a step-mommy. I'm the slutty, hot, 25-year-old that fucks Daddy.
--Astor Pl
Overheard by: christiaan montgomery
At Least That's the Buzz
Suit #1: Yeah, so they're selling enough dildos a month that they want to expand.
Suit #2: Really?
Suit #1: Yeah, but he doesn't have the space.
--33rd & 5th
No, That's Hippies on Earth Day
Freshman girl #1: Yeah, I'm totally getting into this whole finals mentality thing, you know?
Freshman girl #2: Yeah, and then all the holidays with good food are coming up...
Freshman girl #3: Oh, yeah, like Christmas with cookies and Hanukkah with gelt...
Freshman girl #2: Wait, what did you just say?
Freshman girl #3: Gelt?
Freshman girl #2: What about Kwanzaa?
Freshman girl #3: Um... I mean, I don't really know what they eat...
Freshman girl #2: Nuts and berries, right?
--Barnard College
But When They Do a Good Job, Scratch Their Tummy
Guy #1: Yeah, so the taxi driver took us through the most congested traffic. He did it on purpose!
Guy #2: That's why you have to tell them where to go.
Guy #1: And be firm.
Guy #2: It's like training a dog.
--3 train
Overheard by: rick
The Planet Responsible for New York Minute? Ew.
Nerd: So, seriously, where are you from?
Weary Asian hipster girl: Earth.
--Outside Forbidden Planet, 13th & Broadway
Overheard by: can't wait to use that one
... Are You As Turned on As I Am?
Guy: I'm exhausted as fuck.
Chick: Good for you.
Guy: Shut up, you twunt.
Chick: Did you just try to combine 'twat' and 'cunt'?
Guy: Some of my friends created it.
Chick: No wonder it's retarded. It completely takes away from both insults, which are perfectly functional and to the point by themselves.
Guy: You're such a little bitch.
--181st & Ft. Washington
Overheard by: LSB
Besides, You Need to Learn to Make Do
Young daughter: I want an eight-inch one.
Mom: No, honey, eight inches is too long for you.
Young daughter: But I really want it.
Mom: No, you'll just get the five inches, and it will be good.
--Quizno's, 5th Ave
Rap Duels Just Aren't As Good As They Used to Be
Thug #1: I'm going to beat the shit out of you like the Incredible Hulk, except I'm going to turn purple instead of green.
Thug #2: No, you're not. You're going to turn pink because you're a pussy!
--Bronx-bound D train
Overheard by: Maria Endrinal
Everybody but You Has a Cell Phone
Tracheotomy lady in wheelchair: Nita, the car's here. The car's here, Nita -- get off the phone! [Cousin Nita tries to hang up wall phone, but misses.] You're so lame, Nita.
--Lucille Lortel Theatre
Isn't He Too Busy Trying to Harpoon Kirstie Alley?
Stoner #1: We're married now.
Hoochie: We are?
Stoner #1: Yeah. We just met a sea captain, and he married us.
Stoner #2: Oh, Ahab?
--89th & York
Um... Yes?
Tourist lady, very slowly: Uhhh, can you... Um, excuse me, can you... um, tell me where... that place downtown... I think it's, ummm...
Lady suit, interrupting: Christ on a crutch! What are you, Canadian or retarded?!
--4 train, Wall St station
Overheard by: Not Canadian
It'll Be Sort of Like a State of the Union Address
Teen girl tourist: Dad, you know so much about New York!
Tourist dad: Well, here's the thing -- I'm going to tell you a lot of facts about New York while we're here... Not all of them are going to be true...
--76th & Broadway
Overheard by: balletrhino
Wait, What's Like That?
Hardhat #1: It's like them women who hang themselves by the titties from raven claws, you know?
Hardhat #2: No, I don't know.
--Chelsea Market
Overheard by: Tom
Where Could We Get Hostility Like Yours, Though?
Teen girl #1: I hate these tourists! They're fucking everywhere!
Teen girl #2, in next stall over: I know!
Teen girl #1: It's like, 'Don't you have the Gap in, like, Kansas or something?'
--Gap dressing room, Times Square
What Happens When You Drink from the Chicago River on St. Patrick's Day
Teen #1: My shits change color. They be green, then they dark brown...
Teen #2: Green? Nah...
Teen #3: My shits be green.
Teen #4: Yeah, I seen his shits be green.
Teen #1: Look! Look right now. My eyes be green.
Teen #4: That nigga wear contacts.
--A train
Overheard by: TMI
Hillary Knows How To Host a Re-election Party
Girl #1: Remember at that party when that stripper picked up a dollar bill with her pussy lips?
Girl #2: Ohhh, yeah -- that wasn't a stripper. That was a full-on whore.
--77th & 1st
Overheard by: mjg
Headline by: clink
Runners-Up:
· "... and It Wasn't a Dollar Bill. That Was a Full-on Penis" - Caro
· "America DOES Have Talent" - Staci Lynn
· "Because I Saw That Thing Give Change" - nicky c.
· "But We Call Her Aunt Gladys" - Mark Paul
· "I Was Just Shocked She Did It through Her Jeans." - SAtCW
· "Kind Of Like the Difference Between Maury Povich and Springer" - alana landa
Click here to see the new Headline Contest
Don't Drink Anything That's Been Out of Your Sight!
Chick: So, today I went to the doctor, and in the waiting room there was this gay guy who told me he liked my Steve Maddens. [Three guys across from her stare blankly.] Oh my god, I'm eating dinner with three straight men.
--Restaurant, 6th Ave
Before That, There Were Mad Talking Toys, Son
Teen thug: Yo, I remember all that shit from back in the day. Like, in second grade there was this movie with a bug in it...!
Preteen thug: Word?
--42nd St-bound Q train
Arthur Never Learned Not to Talk to Strangers
Bag lady: You look like you got a shitty job!
Suit: Do you even have a job?
Bag lady: Oh, yeah, I do all kinds of jobs. Hand jobs, blowjobs, foot jobs...
Suit: That's not what I meant--
Bag lady: --Tit jobs...
--6 train
Overheard by: Digeridude
Don't Be Fooled by the Costume and Duster
Guy #1: I got some dirt on my shoulder. Can you brush it off for me?
Guy #2: I ain't yo' maid, bitch!
--Hotel, Times Square
Overheard by: Jace
They Won't Know Why It Mattered
Teen girl #1: I don't think people understand the gravity of the situation. Nobody seems excited. We're in an actual Springfield Kwik-E-Mart!
Teen girl #2: I know. When I tell my grandkids I went to a Kwik-E-Mart [trails off]...
--7-Eleven/Kwik-E-Mart near Times Square
Certainly Smells Like It
Loud, blue-haired girl: Of course! I always pee in the shower!
Tourist: ... Is that one of those pixies you were talking about?
Local: Yeah. That was a pixie girl. The city's full of them.
--8th & 4th
Who's Jealous of Our Ability to Stop at One
Woman passerby: Come on, you fucking tourists! Get a life! It's only a fucking cupcake!
Girl in line, mockingly: Oh my god, you're making such an important social statement!
Old lady in line: Seriously, it's not our fault she's a fat bitch.
--Magnolia Bakery, Bleecker St
Overheard by: KO
No Apologies -- Your Friends Are Our Bread and Butter
Guy on cell: Yes, I've got the light saber, but do you think I'll get in with it?
Friend #1 a few steps behind, on cell: Anal sex, anal sex, anal sex, anal sex!
Friend #2 a few steps behind #1, uneasy: Sorry.
--8th & 7th
Two Great Tastes That Taste Great Together
Yuppie: Listen to this, Mom -- I got home and the cat was completely covered in shit and blood!
Sweet old lady: Sorry, dear? I couldn't quite hear you.
Yuppie: Shit and blood!
--122nd & Amsterdam
Overheard by: HuntingSnark
We Stone You Later, When Your Check Has Cleared
D.A.R.E. volunteer: Sir, before you leave, would you please--
Rushing guy, interrupting: --Do I look like I just say no to drugs?
D.A.R.E. volunteer: We don't pre-judge people.
--Outside Marshalls, Atlantic Center, Brooklyn
Overheard by: DARE to say yes
From Bitter, Hungry, Doctrinaire Babies
NYU chick #1: Vegan shit is like baby shit, y'know?
NYU chick #2: I know!
--Waverly Pl
Overheard by: Lou Morning
When New Yorkers Try to Do Jolly, It Just Comes Out Scary
Chick: Hey, you're wearing red, white, and blue. So patriotic!
Dude: Heh, yeah. Go America.
Bushy black mustache guy, fully-clothed in denim: What's wrong with America?! Ho, ho, ho! Ho, ho, ho! Merry everything! When it's hot in the elevator and the doors open, Santa says, 'Get out!' Oh, this is Santa's floor! Ho, ho, ho! Merry everything!
--Elevator, Fordham University
Overheard by: Kate
Guy: Not Much, Mom. You?
Chick #1: Hey, you ever been with a guy and then his mom calls, and he, like, picks up?
Chick #2: You mean during sex?!
Chick #1: Yeah.
Chick #2: Hell no!
Chick #1: So, you've never been with a Jewish guy, then?
--G train
Overheard by: Kelly Kell
I Meant This Eye on the Pyramid
Two-year-old boy, looking at dollar bill: Mama, is this Jesus on the money?
Mother: Well, sort of. He was like Jesus for America.
--Times Square
Overheard by: MeganMama
It's Not the Safest Abortion, but It's Discreet
Old black lady: She's got to get her pregnant self right out of there. The two of them is cloak and dagger.
Old white friend: Yes.
Old black lady: They is just cloak and dagger.
--Doctor's office, W 59th St
Overheard by: Susan V
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