Then We Go to a Museum and I Try to Lose Them

Granny: I'm babysitting for my daughter's kids next Thursday.
Friend: What? You just sat for them last Thursday!
Granny: No, no, -- I couldn't make it that time.
Friend: But still...
Granny: Well, she has a lot of doctors' appointments lately. Anyway, I just take them out for lunch and give them French fries.

--Starbucks, 70th & Broadway

Overheard by: Susan Volchok

And, of Course, the Cycle of Violence

Little boy: Where are we going, Joseph*?
Huge American Indian in floor-length fur coat: I'm your grandpa. If you call me Joseph, I'll kick your ass.
Little boy: Why?
Huge American Indian in floor-length fur coat: It's about respect.

--9th & 4th station, Park Slope

Overheard by: Glad my grandpas are dead

Which Is Why So Many Moved Over Here

White teen girl #1: Oh my god, he is, like, so caliente! Haha, I just said that like the biggest white girl!
White teen girl #2, sarcastically: What, you say that like you're not proud of being a white girl!
White teen girl #1: Haha... Well, I'm not actually white. My nationality is European, which is actually much better than white.
White teen girl #2: Yeah, totally.

--Q101 bus, Ditmars Blvd, Astoria

Much to the Consternation of the Natives

Woman to Eric*: Are you a sexual adventurer?
Man: Eric is the Amerigo Vespucci of ass play.

--Against the Grain, East Village

Overheard by: Adam

How America Manages Money, in a Nutshell

Woman, as ATM spits out money: See? You just punch in your code and the machine gives you your money.
Kid: Wow! We're gonna be rich!

--Bank of America ATM, Madison Avenue

Overheard by: johnny virgil

Plus, I Tend to Overshare.

Bimbette #1: So, I think I know what my problem is...
Bimbette #2: Oh, yeah? What's that?
Bimbette #1: I think my underwear is on backwards.

--8th & 5th

Overheard by: Melissa Martinez

I've Always Dreamed of Birthing a Kennedy

Hipster girl: [Inaudible]... Sex with animals.
Hipster guy: You have sex with animals?
Hipster girl: I said I wish I had sex with animals.
Hipster guy: Oh, yeah.

--South St Seaport

Now Will You Please Pull Back My Skin So I Can Check My Watch?

Old lady: I think we qualify as old farts.
Old hubby: Thank you so much for that kind statement.

--Rubin Museum of Art, 17th St

Overheard by: Princess Dy

Men Everywhere: Teach Us Your Strange Magic

Tourist: Tall? That is not a tall coffee -- that is small!
Local chick: Well, that's why they call it 'tall,' so you don't think it's small.

--Starbucks, Wall St & Broadway

Overheard by: murx

I Think I Saw This on an Episode of Sliders

Hip girl: What's up with that airline?
Friend: What do you mean?
Hip girl: The flight attendants were all straight men.

--JFK

Overheard by: A random

He's a Really Shitty Listener

Woman #1: I hate it. He never listens to me.
Woman #2: That guy listens out of his ass!

--W 96th near Amsterdam

Overheard by: clb72

She Must Have Done Something None of the Others Would

Thug #1: He got married!
Thug #2: He got married?
Thug #1: Yeah, man, he married that chick!
Thug #2: What chick?
Thug #1: Oh, lord, there were so many.

--40th & 7th

Overheard by: Arielle

Wait, Back Up. Why Can't You Go Anymore?

Female employee #1: You need to go to church.
Female employee #2: Hell no, I can't go to church anymore [laughs mischievously].
Female employee #1: You don't go to church?
Female employee #2: Uh-uh.
Female employee #1: Whatever! Yo, at my church, like, gangs and shit be comin' on Sundays. The Crips are all on one side and the Bloods all on the other. It's crazy. They be wearin' their colors and shit, too.

--Century 21

But Shhh! I'm Telling Him the Sex Is "Safe"

Young girl to brother: Hey, you better get home or I'm gonna tell Mom that you stole that money from her purse.
Little boy: You do that, bitch, and I'm gonna tell Durell you got your period when you were nine.
Young girl: Mothafuckah, that was, like, last year!

--Ave A

Overheard by: Padraic. Your Prince

What's the Word for a Fear of Latex?

Dude: So, did you ever wear a condom in Haiti?
World traveler guy: No.
Dude: Were you scared?

--St. Mark's & 2nd Ave

Overheard by: Not Going to Haiti

What Is It with That Movie?

Bimbette: Oh my god, I'm so horny.
Friend: Did you just see Josh or something?
Bimbette: No, I just watched Newsies!
Friend: Without me?
Bimbette: It was sort of a one-on-one Newsies experience.
Friend: I totally understand... Dancing preteen boys...

--NYU

Overheard by: Kelly

To Make You Grateful to Be Childless

Man: Excuse me, but that kid's screaming is ruining my museum experience.
Dad pushing stroller with shrieker inside: Listen, pal, she's two years old--
Man: --So why did you bring her?!

--Ancient Near East Galleries, the Met

And the Cafeteria Experienced a Sudden Decrease in Fishsticks

Biotech #1: Look, there's that creepy old librarian that used to work at the library at school!
Biotech #2: She was so gross! Every day I would go in to check out a book for a class and another one of her fingers would be missing!
Biotech #1: Yeah, that's probably why she left.

--Kiehl's, 3rd Ave

Luckily The Lake House Has Sufficiently Lowered the Bar

Old lady to 20-somethings on stoop: I'm singing in the rain. I'm singing in the rain. With Jesus Christ as my friend, I'm happy again [walks away].
20-something guy: If I wrote a scene like that into a script, everyone would think I was trying too hard.

--Webster Hall

And You're Thinking of the Amish

Guy #1, about wireless: So, yours isn't secure?
Guy #2: Nah, I just leave it open because I know no one is trying to use it.
Guy #1: How do you know that?
Guy #2: Are you kidding me? I've got nothing but Hasidic Jews living 360 degrees around me.
Guy #1: So...
Guy #2: They don't use computers!
Guy #1: You're an asshole.

--B train

Overheard by: Can you say antisemitism?

I Knew I Should Have Learned to Read!

Lady with disposable camera prominently featuring 'Flash' label: Does this camera have a flash?
Employee, to cashier: Does this have a flash?
Cashier, not looking: Yes.
Employee: This has a flash.
Lady: Are you sure? [To her mother] I hope this has a flash.

--CVS, Kings Hwy & Nostrand Ave, Brooklyn

Overheard by: The Yankee

Stephen Colbert: Or at Least a Certain Truthiness

Mother #1: These dolls are so adorable.
Mother #2: Yes, and there's a wonderful verisimilitude at Target.

--American Girl store, 5th Ave

Overheard by: katicus

As Good a Jew As You Are a Baptist, Sweetie

Ghetto black lesbian: Look, you are Time Magazine's Person of the Year.
Jewish lesbian: That is so lame.
Ghetto black lesbian, picking up a card instead: What does 'shalom' mean? Does anybody know what 'shalom' means?
Jewish lesbian: You are asking the wrong Jew.
Ghetto black lesbian: What kind of Jew are you? What good are you?

--Duane Reade, Broadway & Reade

Overheard by: Just trying to buy some cards

Every Day Is a New Struggle to Survive

Freshman #1: Let's not kid ourselves -- the men who shop at Sears do not care what the underwear looks like on other men.
Freshman #2: Sears catalogs are only for straight boys in North Dakota to masturbate to.
Freshman #1: In North Dakota, even the Internet has no porn.

--F train

Nothing Like a Public Existential Crisis

Conductor #1, over PA: This train will make all express stops to Stillwell Avenue.
Conductor #2, over PA: What does that mean?

--Coney Island-bound F train, 4th Ave

Overheard by: I know I'm getting off at 7th Ave., and I don't even work for MTA!

Despite His Promises

Underage chick: No, his dick had not gotten any bigger since the last time I saw him.
Friend: Bummer.

--3 train

Blood or Salsa? You Be the Judge

Woman: Oh, yeah, you know -- like how Taco Bell had that Ebola virus outbreak.
Friends: Oh, right...

--Queens-bound R train

Overheard by: Nikki W

How'd He Like It?

Guy: Oh, man, my wrist hurts! I think I got carpal tunnel.
Friend: How?
Guy: I was fingering that bitch all night.
Friend: Oh.

--Union Square

Overheard by: Lucy and Emily

Head Upstate and Grab a Burger King Crown

Drunk girl: I was watching 300 the other day, and you know what I realized?
Sober girl: What?
Drunk girl: That I want to be the Queen of Sparta.

--14th & 7th

Overheard by: Lisa

Perfect, Thanks!

Ghetto girl #1: Do these shorts make my ass look huge?
Ghetto girl #2: Girl, your huge ass makes your ass look huge, not those nasty shorts.

--H&M, Broadway & Prince

Overheard by: Aria Grillo

At Least Coke Is Sort of Natural

Freshman #1: Oh, look, there's Joe*. Does he still do cocaine?
Freshman #2, whispering: Well, no. But now he lives on caffeine pills... [Then, more dramatically] And Mountain Dew.
Freshman #1, gasping: Oh my god!

--Columbia dorm

Rats Flee Your Mighty Shadow

Coworker #1: Is it just me, or are the rats in New York getting smaller? Seriously!
Coworker #2: Maybe you're just getting bigger.

--D train platform, Rockefeller Center

Looks Like Keeping the Faith Has Worked Out Really Well for You

Hobo lying on floor: ... And, I mean, what about slaves? You people owned my people!
Newly boarded teen: Hello, ladies and gentlemen. I'm selling can--
Hobo lying on floor: --Fuck you! You just want money! You fucking want money, you little shit! You're a traitor to your race, you fuck!

--Brooklyn-bound A train

Overheard by: Duncan Pflaster

What's This "We" Shit?

Man pushing stroller: Do we have a bottle?
Bitchy wife: No, we have my breasts.

--Prospect Park

Overheard by: Aaron Padwee

Headline by: Danny

Runners-Up:
· "I Can't Beat You With Those" - Digeridude
· "I Meant for the Baby." - thisdaydreamer
· "Shall I Preheat Them For You?" - Mike Curry
· "They're in the Diaper Bag" - Bri
· "Well Pop a Top, Beeyotch!" - Pozo


Click here to see the new Headline Contest

Or Is She 4 Foot 11 because She's So Short?

Man, about actress Kristin Chenoweth: You know, she's only 4 foot 11.
Wife: So that's why she's so short!

--Studio 54

The UN Finally Sent in Peacekeeping Forces

Customer: But I just gave you 10 dollars.
Male barista: No, I gave you 10 dollars, which was a mistake.
Customer: Wait. Wait. No, you gave me twenty.
Male barista: Can I have it back?
Customer: No! It's my change!
Male barista: But you just gave me 10 dollars!

--Starbucks

Overheard by: alanna

And Furthermore... Oooh, Lemony Fresh!

Italian guy #1: I tell you you stink so you go in the store and put on Pledge?
Italian guy #2: Yeah!
Italian guy #1: What? Are you stupid?!

--Outside the Met

Overheard by: lousie

Wednesday One-Liners Just Did It for the Organs

Woman to her crying child: A man is going to take you.

--Barnes & Noble

Overheard by: Caitlin

Asian mom to child in stroller: You feel trapped? Well, so do I. Now you know how I feel.

--51st & 3rd

Mom to whining child: Too bad, so sad. Your mom looks like your dad.

--JFK

Mom on cell: Shut the hell up or you're not going to choir camp...

--32nd & Lex

Woman with wailing baby: God, I wish I was high -- you would be so funny right now!

--V train

Mom to screaming toddler: If you could stop doing that, I'd appreciate it.

--Ascan Ave & Queens Blvd

Overheard by: me too.

Wednesday One-Liners Took "For Poorer" Out of Their Vows

Gold digger to friend: Yeah, I'm done with doctors. I want an architect.

--E 80th St

Overheard by: hannah g

Annoyed JAP: So, he told me that I would date my way out of the Upper East Side.

--Ladies' room, Johnny's Uptown

Overheard by: Grover

Patient to receptionist: She no-showed on me, too, but I didn't like her anyway because she has Alzheimer's, and she's a gold digger.

--Dentist's office

JAP: I mean, I was raised never thinking I would ever have to take care of myself.

--Penn Station

Chick: I mean, he's, like, a little unstable. He just seems a little wired, but he works for a hedge fund, so...

--77th & 3rd

We're Here, We're Wednesday One-Liners, We're Not Going Anywhere!

Middle-schooler: Self-mutilation is so gay!

--Q60 bus

Overheard by: Gregorio

Black lady: She gay? Oh, well, then keep her away from me. I don't like gay people. They's too charmin'.

--D train

Southern girl: I have this theory that all black guys are gay.

--Lafayette & Houston

Teen girl to friend, passing clipboard activists: I don't get it. What are they doing, selling gay rights?

--Columbus Ave, Upper West Side

Overheard by: wasn't in the mood to buy any gay rights that day

Guy to another: ... And it wouldn't be gay because we wouldn't tell anyone!

--NYU

Overheard by: Artiste

Wednesday One-Liners, Have You Called Jenny Yet?

Drunk baseball fan: My friend -- he's a fat fuck! I'm gonna call him and tell him how fat he is!

--LIRR to Shea Stadium

Fat lady to tiny lady: Move your fat ass!

--Manhattan-bound 6 train

Overheard by: Dr. Seuss Tat

15-year-old fattie: If it wasn't for my huge boobs, I would just look fat.

--Port Authority

Overheard by: Andy

Recent high school grad: She put on a lot of weight. Doesn't she look fat in this picture? [Friend just stares.] It's her eyes.

--Queens Blvd

Queer on cell: Well, there's cute-chubby and hopeless-chubby... No, I'm not gonna tell you which one you are!

--88th & Amsterdam

Loud fat lady, during silence after curtain fall: Ew, that's gross! Eat that...

--NYC Ballet, Lincoln Center

Overheard by: Evan

Wednesday One-Liners, Dead Ahead!

Guy to girlfriend: Every time I get pissed, I'll list a person who's dead.

--Washington Square Park

Overheard by: Rachel Graham

Mom to four-year-old daughter: So, let me get this straight. Everybody was dead, then you walked in the street, and then you got kidnapped? And then you got killed?

--86th & Lex

Girlfriend to boyfriend: Seeing the genitals of a corpse is, like, a huge turn-off.

--Bodies Exhibit, Fulton St

Overheard by: Secret Asian

Woman: So I called her and I asked her, 'Did you die?' And she said, 'No!'

--Pearl River Mart, Soho

Dude on cell: He's dead? Yes!

--St. Mark's Pl

Overheard by: Adam

The Little Red Book of Wednesday One-Liners

JAP on cell: I mean, the one thing I hate more than communism is arts and crafts!

--NYU

Historical guru: Then she married a guy who was a communist gunman from Berlin, and a pretty good art scholar, by the way...

--Utopia Diner, W 72nd St

Overheard by: LADY V

Teacher, in Elmer Fudd voice: Be very, very quiet... We're doing something communist.

--Brooklyn Tech

Overheard by: Liz

Wednesday One-Liners Are Probably a Nine... Maybe a Nine and a Half

Preppy chick: She's lucky that she's so beautiful that she can have a name like 'Agnes.'

--12th & Park Ave South

Overheard by: fey

Hipster chick: Hey! I didn't know it was you -- you look so pretty!

--Rockefeller Center

Overheard by: triphere

Man, to no one: The federal government is after the woman. You know why? Because she breeds, dammit! But she's gonna get old, and I'm not paying child support! If a woman is so beautiful, then why can't she use the toilet?

--4 train

Woman on cell: That ho said my baby girl was beautiful! I said, 'I know she beautiful -- I made that bitch!'

--Tompkins Square Park

Overheard by: Robbie

Mom to four-year-old daughter: I do not need you telling me I'm not beautiful on the inside!

--Columbus Circle

Overheard by: Kates

Wednesday One-Liners after Labor Day? Shocking!

Rich lady: I bought this outfit for myself to make up for my miserable youth.

--Union Square West

Overheard by: Zac

Yuppie to toddler sitting on friend's lap: ... And the benefit of wearing Nike clothing is that it's made by children not much older than you.

--Central Park

Overheard by: Ardbeg78

Trendy chick: I can't go to places like Forever 21 and Urban Outfitters 'cause they study and watch me on camera, ripping off my style.

--Bar, 14th St & Ave B

Overheard by: Karl Karlson

Girl: Trench coats are never a good sign.

--M14D bus, 1st Ave

Overheard by: melanie

Loud queer to friend: Ummm, do you know where I can get some Lycra spandex leopard-print leggings?

--The Village

Overheard by: S

Wednesday One-Liners Wear Taped Glasses

Guy to cooks: So, do you guys just sit around all night making up medieval names for each other?

--Pizza shop, 2nd Ave & St. Mark's Pl

Overheard by: mangledorf

Nerd on cell: I waited five years to get a girlfriend, and I finally got one and I just couldn't take it!

--Dunkin' Donuts, 14th St

Overheard by: Jo

Chick on cell: Whoa, did I just refer to Voldemort in a romantic context? What is happening to me?

--Harlem

Overheard by: Ladle

Dork: Wow, 200 points of magic! Well, that would truly be a day of sorcery.

--LIRR

NYU student: So, Yoda is more masculine than Sophocles?

--NYU

Overheard by: waphle

Wednesday One-Liners Are Moving to Florida Soon