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Hey, What Are Friends For?
Girl: Men are dicks.
Friend: It's alright. You'll get a new guy soon -- you're cute!
Girl: I know. I'm just sad.
Friend: Well, the sun will come out tomorrow. Have you ever heard of it being cloudy forever? No, because that's impossible... Except for after a nuclear holocaust, in which case you should just kill yourself.
--4th & Mercer
Did You Know They're Washable?
Girl #1, head in hands: So, like I was saying...
Girl #2: Oh, yeah, so why doesn't he want to fuck anymore?
Girl #3: Oh, yeah, he totes found your vibrator.
Girl #1: How the hell did you know?
--1 train
Gets All Her Metaphors from Lennie Briscoe
Chick #1: He was being all flirty and nice and asked me to meet him out dancing.
Chick #2: He is so cute. What did you say?
Chick #1: Hell no. He's married. I heard that and ran like a hooker from the cops...
--A train
Overheard by: Jim W.
'Cause I've Got a Great Program I Could Put You On...
Skinny jerk: Yeah, so she's about a buck ten now, five foot two.
Fat jerk: Oh, that's great.
Skinny jerk: Yeah, but I had to beat it out of her.
Fat jerk: [Stares.]
Skinny jerk: How much do you weigh now?
--Dunkin' Donuts, 14th & 6th
Overheard by: Shusha
Might Be Time for Career Movement
Male employee: I need to take a crap.
Girl coworker: Thanks for sharing.
Male employee: I have been waiting, though.
Girl coworker: Why?
Male employee: Because after that the highlight of my work day is done.
--N Manhattan Ave
Wait, Business or Pleasure?
20-ish guy: Hi, I'm Pete.
Teen chick: Hi, I'm Karen.
20-ish guy: I'm normally really shy, but being as how I am on this train, and you are on this train, I figured I'd introduce myself. Do you have a boyfriend?
Teen chick: No.
20-ish guy: Great! I don't have a girlfriend, either -- we just broke up. Where are you heading?
Teen chick: Court.
20-ish guy: That's great! I just came from court myself!
--A train
Overheard by: Kris, who got off at W4th
The Kind That Blind You When They Fall from the Sky?
20-ish girl seeing group of orthodox Jews walk by: Hey, look at all those Amish people! Oh, wait, are they Amish or acidic Jews?
--8th & Bedford
Overheard by: joe
So We're Drinking Out of His Skull
Wasted guy #1: Hey, do you have any shot glasses around here or anything?
Wasted guy #2: Dude, Grandpa died.
--UWS
Overheard by: My grandpa died, too
Finding Affordable Housing in New York? Really?
Girl, dejected: You know, it's just so hard to do right now.
Sympathetic guy: Yeah, yeah... Plus, it's a felony.
--66th & York
Overheard by: Dave C
Actually, in Trenton, You Do
Tourist: Is this the 1:13 to Trenton?
Suit: No.
Tourist: Oh, well, where is that?
Suit: Are you just, like, picking track numbers and hoping for the best? Go read the screen, you dumbass.
Tourist: You don't have to be rude.
Suit: You don't have to be stupid.
--NJ Transit
Overheard by: Erin
Trouble Brewing
Woman #1: He is so sophisticated.
Woman #2: He sounds like he is.
Woman #1: Yeah, like, he loves champagne. I'm just as happy with Colt 45.
--D train
Overheard by: Billy Dee
But Maybe That Has More to Do with This Starbucks Sandwich I'm Eating
NYU JAP #1: So, like, do you want to go get margaritas tonight?
NYU JAP #2, grimacing: Ugh. I'm, like, still nauseous. If you, like, say 'margarita' again, I might throw up.
--University & Waverly
I'm Putting 10300 Staten Island. Thank You!
Box office attendant: Sir, can I have your zip code, please?
Ticket-buyer: No! You people are not going to call me!
--Beacon Theater
Checking to See If He Lives with His Mother
Lady: What are you doing today?
Man: Nothing.
Lady, suddenly excited: By the way, do you do laundry?
Man: Yeah, why?
Lady: Well, I never heard you talking about doing your laundry before.
Man: Okay... Why would I want to talk about doing my laundry? [Rolls his eyes.]
Lady, embarrassed: I hate when you're right.
--D train
Overheard by: Ana
Little Kid: I'm Biding My Time
Queer #1 glaring at nearby smoker lady: Ugh!
Queer #2: I hope she gets cancer. [Woman passes a little kid and enters museum.] That little kid should've kicked her.
--Outside the Brooklyn Museum
Overheard by: Caulfield
Girl: That "I'm Really Catholic" Ploy Works Every Time
Dude #1: Did you go home with that girl last night?
Dude #2: Yeah, I was up all night. She was like a fucking porn star -- stuck her finger in my ass!
Dude #1: Porn star? That girl had a face fit for radio! And she told me that she was really Catholic!
Dude #2: I told her I've only been with two girls, and then I tried to stick it in her ass!
Dude #1: You are a real scumbag!
--36th & 3rd
Overheard by: Peter Persico
A Legal Conundrum
Drunk boyfriend: Yo! Stop hittin' me! What's your problem?!
Drunk girlfriend: Shut up, haha. I'll slap you if I want to.
Drunk boyfriend: Stop! Or I'm gonna rape you.
Drunk girlfriend: Ohhh, I dare you...
--A train
The Metaphor Still Works, Asshole.
Bimbette: She was being such a bitch, and I was like, 'You catch more flies with honey than you do with a fly swatter, y'know.'
Boyfriend: Don't talk. Seriously. Just stand there and look hot, okay?
--Penn Station
Overheard by:
The Clintons Make New Friends Wherever They Go
Teen girl to driver on cell: Hang up and drive!
Driver: Oh, suck it, bitch!
Teen girl, pointing at female passenger: Looks like you have someone to do that for you.
Driver: She's my wife -- she doesn't do that anymore [drives away].
Teen girl, to friend: Was that a joke, or was he still insulting me?
--42nd & Park
Overheard by: Dave R
But I'm Not Sure I See the Comparison to the Fall of Rome
Trendy teen girl #1: You know, it's like a fat girl who has a really pretty face...
Trendy teen girl #2: Oh my god, I hate that!
--Tribeca
When Abortion Debates Get Out of Hand
Hipster girl: You know, I was really, really dreading that family dinner, but it wasn't so bad...
Mom, complacently stroking umbrella: Yeah, apart from the part where he tried to stick the knife down your pants, I thought it went really well!
--F train
What?! We Don't Have Our Own Stairs?
Woman #1: Why don't we take the elevator?
Woman #2: Don't we have to wait in the line?
Woman #1: Oh, no, we're faculty. We can just go up.
Guard: Join the line for the elevator, please!
Woman #1: Oh, we're faculty.
Guard: And you can join the line for the elevator, please.
Woman #1: Ugh. I'll just walk up to the third floor, then!
--Silver Center, NYU
Thirty Years Late in Some Cases
Tourist woman #1: I don't understand why people are laughing at everything the characters say.
Tourist woman #2: I know! I think most people are just getting most of the jokes late.
--Spamalot, Shubert Theatre
Overheard by: sara
True, but He Only Does It Every Five Days
Guy, about colleague's showering habits: Yea, you know, I have an eye for that kinda stuff. Need to make sure people stay clean 'n fresh 'round me. Know what I'm sayin'?
Girl: Are you sure? Because--
Guy: --Nah, yo. He must shower early in the morning or late at night. Or else somewhere in between.
--On the bus
Overheard by: Nabz
I Used to Have Them Backwards, but I Was Dead Wrong
Professor: What words do we get from the name Aphrodite?
Student #1: Hermaphrodite.
Professor: Yes -- from the union of Aphrodite and Hermes. What else?
Student #2: Aphrodisiac!
Professor: Good! And what is an aphrodisiac?
Students: [Silence.]
Professor: Are you all Victorians? Come on... What's it called when one uses something to arouse sexual appetite?
Student #3: Necrophiliac! [Class laughs.]
Professor: I have to advise you to invest in a dictionary, as it's simply prudent to know the difference between a necrophiliac and an aphrodisiac. Hopefully, you won't ever need to thank me for that.
--NYU
Overheard by: Cairo
What a Plot Twist!
Man: How much for two double-A batteries?
Bodega worker: The good ones or the one-dollar ones?
Man: The dollar ones.
Bodega worker: One dollar.
Man: I'll take two.
Bodega worker: That will be two dollars.
Man: Two dollars?!
--30th & 6th
Well You Didn't Want to See Dumb and Dumber
Black teen #1: Yo, let's go see Blood Diamond.
Black teen #2, with African accent: No, I told you -- I don't want to see that.
Black teen #1: What are you talkin' 'bout, don't wanna see it? Nigga, you're in it!
--Loews, Lincoln Center
Um, I'm from Thailand
White tween: Everyone has a MySpace.
Asian tween: I don't have a MySpace.
White tween: You don't got a MySpace? Why not?
Asian tween: 'Cause it's the easiest way to meet sexual predators.
White tween, laughing: Nah, don't worry. You ain't ever gonna meet any sexual predators -- you're ugly.
--PS 173 playground, Fresh Meadows
This Is Your Brain after Too Many Years in New York
Crazy man: Who wants a transfer?
Crazy woman, raising hand and turning around: I do!
Crazy man, spitting food: I like yo' braids.
Crazy woman: Thanks. [Crazy man flashes his bling.] Hahaha!
Crazy man: Yeah, these cost 70 grand, but I got 'em for 39. [Crazy woman ignores him.] I strut when I walk -- e'ryday.
--Bx33 bus
Overheard by: Nooners
But I Only Wear It for Special Occasions
Goth girl #1: I hate girls with mustaches.
Goth girl #2: Yeah, me, too.
Goth girl #1: ... Actually, I have a mustache.
Goth girl #2: Yeah, me, too.
--1 train
Overheard by: Tim
What Boy Band Hasn't Had This Conversation Backstage?
Guy #1: You can't allow her to keep doing that to you, man.
Guy #2: Yeah, you're right... Sometimes I wish I was gay.
Guy #1, after both guys laugh: ...Uh... You were kidding, right?
--Men's locker room, New York Sports Club, Tribeca
Overheard by: Matt
Just the Muppets That Keep Showing Up to Fuck Children
NYU guy #1: I was watching that Dateline show, To Catch a Predator last night on TV.
NYU guy #2: Chris Hansen is the world's biggest cock-block.
NYU guy #3: Chris Hansen? Didn't he invent the Muppets?
--NYU Palladium Dining Hall
Meet the Unmoved Mover of the City
Crazy toothless hobo playing with revolving door: Whoa, I rocked this joint. You like it?
Girl: Fascinating.
Hobo, yelling at traffic a minute later: Keep it moving before I kick you in the nuts!
--Kmart, Astor Pl
Barbara Bush Is So Fucking Self-righteous
Little girl seeing naked cowgirl: Mommy, how come I can see that lady's boobies?
Mommy: Well, she's letting everybody know it's okay to breast feed.
--46th & Broadway
Overheard by: Chadwick Vogel
Headline by: mbobbinson
Runners-Up:
· "...for Tips" - Melissa
· "And Why Did Daddy Just Walk Into a Pole?" - TJ
· "Her Thong Lets Everyone Know Tips Are Appreciated" - Dangello
· "How Come I Can See Her Vagina?" - Peter Madsen
· "Later, She'll Ride the Mechanical Bull and Serve Us Milkshakes" - Dawn Elizabeth
Click here to see the new Headline Contest
It's Almost Gotten to the Point Where I Can Sit Down Again
Creepy goth guy: Wait, so did he cry when you guys broke up?
Fat chick: Basically, it was like, 'Things are different now, dude. It's a complete role reversal. It's like I'm the guy and you're the girl, and, quite frankly, I don't want to put my dick in you.'
Creepy goth guy: Oh, I've heard that one before.
--The Met
Overheard by: Shaaaane
I Have Hose Anxiety
Dude: No way!
Friend: Why? You never peed at a firehouse?
--W 19th & 7th
Or, You Know, Whatever
Dude #1: You got laid last night, so shut up. Although I never saw her, so I don't know what she looked like.
Dude #2: Neither do I...
Dude #1: Yeah, I thought about staying up and waiting just to get a look at her.
--17th & Irving
Overheard by: B-Round
Wednesday One-Liners Look Busy When the Foreman Comes Around
Hardhat: Sometimes I like pissing on the sawdust floor and seeing the dust come right back up in the air.
--Bryant Park
Overheard by: TVontheFritz
Black hardhat to hot chick: Will you be my screensaver?
--19th & 6th
Overheard by: Philip
Hardhat: This whole street smells like panties!
--43rd & 8th
Big hardhat, after bumped by lady: Yo, I'm tryin' to be Italian over here!
--64th & 1st
Overheard by: Rich Templeton
A Wednesday One-Liner Is Worth a Thousand Words
Cheerful lady taking photos: Smile! Say, 'Shit'!
--20th & Park
Overheard by: Rose Fox
Chick with camera: I am gonna Flickr the fuck out of you!
--Burp Castle, 7th & 2nd
Overheard by: Still dazzled by the flash
Hippie chick: Yeah, I put up a picture of her on my site -- the one of her on the couch. It was the only picture where she didn't have two dicks in her.
--Thai restaurant, Park Slope
Angry man, about his ex: I was looking at her picture and got mad right away. You know instant oatmeal? I was instant angry.
--Staten Island Ferry
Overheard by: KristenH
Man with accent, into pay phone: I have the pictures! With the girl, yes! ... Vagina in them! Yes!
--W 4th St
These Wednesday One-Liners Are Not Yet Rated
Sixth grade boy reading list of movies to himself: Robin Hood: Men in Tights. Men in tights... Men in tights... I don't know what the movie is about, but I like the title.
--Middle school, Park Slope
Angry dude: I can't believe no place in all of New York City has this fucking movie. You can get anything in this city. Anything. If I wanted to get two midget strippers who'd let me do rails of coke off their asses tonight, I would be able to, but I can't get this one fucking movie!
--St. Mark's Pl
Hipster: I'm sorry, but there's just never going to be a movie starring a midget.
--14th & 1st
Overheard by: Peter Dinklage, The Station Agent
Hipster dude: So I woke up, watched a movie, watched a movie, watched a movie, watched a movie, went out to the movies, came home, and watched another movie. I love movies. But then I had to sleep on my futon, and I woke up to a dog peeing on my head.
--R train
Asian chick to preggers friend: It would be so cool if your water broke during the movie.
--IMAX Theater
Overheard by: I don't think it would be...
Wednesday One-Liners Hope They Get a Pony This Year
Concert-goer to friend: ... And then she told me, 'I had a shitty birthday, but what do you expect? I'm dating a pirate!' And I said, 'He's not a pirate, he's a douchebag! You're dating a douchebag!'
--Beacon Theatre, 75th & Broadway
Woman to friend: I don't know what to get him for his birthday. Do you know what he gave me for my birthday? An ulcer.
--A train, between 59th & 42nd
Chick: He gave me a laptop for my birthday... And we haven't even had sex yet!
--Sol y Sombra
Yuppie on cell: I think because of the mental state I was in that really doesn't count as cheating. Plus, it was my birthday, so technically it never happened, therefore I didn't fuck up or do anything wrong, therefore nothing ever happened to begin with, therefore you have no reason to complain, therefore you are still my girlfriend.
--14th St & E 1st Ave
Overheard by: Adrienne
Wednesday One-Liners Are Sleeping with Their Secretaries
Suit on the run, after accosted by street charity worker: I don't want to save a child! I want to go to a meeting!
--53rd & Lex
Suit: Yeah, I don't think I could work for the government. All they do is kill people.
--23rd & Park
Suit: I don't play hard to get; I play hard to like.
--Columbus Circle
Overheard by: Brian
Suit on cell: I just got back from São Paulo. That place looks like New York threw up on L.A.
--JFK
Suit on cell: What do you mean scientologists are following you? ... No, you can't stay at my place tonight...
--6th Ave
Overheard by: E.Major
And Wednesday Said, "Let There Be One-Liners!"
Hipster: Percocet makes me feel like God... [drunken pause]... is rubbing my tummy.
--Restaurant, Front St, Brooklyn
Latina: I like to be comfortable when I pray, and I do not think God holds that against me.
--Thai restaurant, Astoria
Bag lady: God has always been good to me.
--6 train
Overheard by: Jeff Hubbard
Old grump: That's the problem with kids today -- they think they're God.
--Canal St
Overheard by: Abby
Chick: I've determined God put me on this earth just so I can lose box cutters.
--L train
Subway preacher: God put me here to annoy the crap out of ya so that you hear his word, and believe you me, if I could I would be doing drugs, drinkin', and fuckin' right now... But I can't... I just can't, because this is my mission -- to annoy ya and preach the word of God!
--R train
Wednesdeified One-Linefication
Wheelbo: I understand that this is a crowded train. I will try and move past you as articulately as possible, as not to step on anybody's toes.
--6 train
Overheard by: Becs
Guy trying on women's sunglasses: Are these for women, or are they ambidextrous?
--Laila Rowe, Upper West Side
Overheard by: nisey79
Dude: ... And I became an intern to be internal...
--Columbia University
NYU chick on cell: Thanks so much for, like, printing out my paper for me. You were, like, such a lifesaver! Yeah, my printer ran out of, you know, cartilage, so I'm at Staples buying some more.
--Soho
Overheard by: if only sharks could be used as toner
Bimbette: Yeah, well, she just kept on keptin' on...
--4th Ave, between 11th & 12th St, Brooklyn
Overheard by: Mike R
Fat lady: They eat dogs in other countries -- it's a delicatessen.
--Fulton & Church St
Overheard by: Dan
Wednesday One-Liners for the Bush Administration
Man to crying woman he just chased down the street: What did you want me to do?! Lie and say that you're a good writer?
--25th & Madison
Overheard by: Jocelyn
Chick to friend: But I only lie when I know no one will find out!
--Union Square
Kid to friends, repeatedly: Yo -- animals... They don't know how to lie.
--6th St, between 1st Ave & Ave A
Overheard by: anthony recchia
Bimbette: Yeah, I've been to hundreds of Catholic churches... I still lie.
--St. Patrick's Cathedral
Overheard by: are you proud of this?
Wednesday One-Liners Leave a Note
Columbia student on cell: Man, I need Spring Break so bad. I need it more than I needed to mess around with that suicidal chick last weekend.
--W 114th St
Overheard by: arthur digby sellars
Middle-aged lady on cell: Well, does Mom know about this? ... That's not a suicide pact, Dad, it's a murder-suicide.
--Smith & Baltic, Brooklyn
Old suburban lady: Well, maybe I should try killing myself for once!
--Port Authority
Overheard by: