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Hey, What Are Friends For?
Girl: Men are dicks.
Friend: It's alright. You'll get a new guy soon -- you're cute!
Girl: I know. I'm just sad.
Friend: Well, the sun will come out tomorrow. Have you ever heard of it being cloudy forever? No, because that's impossible... Except for after a nuclear holocaust, in which case you should just kill yourself.
--4th & Mercer
Did You Know They're Washable?
Girl #1, head in hands: So, like I was saying...
Girl #2: Oh, yeah, so why doesn't he want to fuck anymore?
Girl #3: Oh, yeah, he totes found your vibrator.
Girl #1: How the hell did you know?
--1 train
Gets All Her Metaphors from Lennie Briscoe
Chick #1: He was being all flirty and nice and asked me to meet him out dancing.
Chick #2: He is so cute. What did you say?
Chick #1: Hell no. He's married. I heard that and ran like a hooker from the cops...
--A train
Overheard by: Jim W.
'Cause I've Got a Great Program I Could Put You On...
Skinny jerk: Yeah, so she's about a buck ten now, five foot two.
Fat jerk: Oh, that's great.
Skinny jerk: Yeah, but I had to beat it out of her.
Fat jerk: [Stares.]
Skinny jerk: How much do you weigh now?
--Dunkin' Donuts, 14th & 6th
Overheard by: Shusha
Might Be Time for Career Movement
Male employee: I need to take a crap.
Girl coworker: Thanks for sharing.
Male employee: I have been waiting, though.
Girl coworker: Why?
Male employee: Because after that the highlight of my work day is done.
--N Manhattan Ave
Wait, Business or Pleasure?
20-ish guy: Hi, I'm Pete.
Teen chick: Hi, I'm Karen.
20-ish guy: I'm normally really shy, but being as how I am on this train, and you are on this train, I figured I'd introduce myself. Do you have a boyfriend?
Teen chick: No.
20-ish guy: Great! I don't have a girlfriend, either -- we just broke up. Where are you heading?
Teen chick: Court.
20-ish guy: That's great! I just came from court myself!
--A train
Overheard by: Kris, who got off at W4th
The Kind That Blind You When They Fall from the Sky?
20-ish girl seeing group of orthodox Jews walk by: Hey, look at all those Amish people! Oh, wait, are they Amish or acidic Jews?
--8th & Bedford
Overheard by: joe
So We're Drinking Out of His Skull
Wasted guy #1: Hey, do you have any shot glasses around here or anything?
Wasted guy #2: Dude, Grandpa died.
--UWS
Overheard by: My grandpa died, too
Finding Affordable Housing in New York? Really?
Girl, dejected: You know, it's just so hard to do right now.
Sympathetic guy: Yeah, yeah... Plus, it's a felony.
--66th & York
Overheard by: Dave C
Actually, in Trenton, You Do
Tourist: Is this the 1:13 to Trenton?
Suit: No.
Tourist: Oh, well, where is that?
Suit: Are you just, like, picking track numbers and hoping for the best? Go read the screen, you dumbass.
Tourist: You don't have to be rude.
Suit: You don't have to be stupid.
--NJ Transit
Overheard by: Erin
Trouble Brewing
Woman #1: He is so sophisticated.
Woman #2: He sounds like he is.
Woman #1: Yeah, like, he loves champagne. I'm just as happy with Colt 45.
--D train
Overheard by: Billy Dee
But Maybe That Has More to Do with This Starbucks Sandwich I'm Eating
NYU JAP #1: So, like, do you want to go get margaritas tonight?
NYU JAP #2, grimacing: Ugh. I'm, like, still nauseous. If you, like, say 'margarita' again, I might throw up.
--University & Waverly
I'm Putting 10300 Staten Island. Thank You!
Box office attendant: Sir, can I have your zip code, please?
Ticket-buyer: No! You people are not going to call me!
--Beacon Theater
Checking to See If He Lives with His Mother
Lady: What are you doing today?
Man: Nothing.
Lady, suddenly excited: By the way, do you do laundry?
Man: Yeah, why?
Lady: Well, I never heard you talking about doing your laundry before.
Man: Okay... Why would I want to talk about doing my laundry? [Rolls his eyes.]
Lady, embarrassed: I hate when you're right.
--D train
Overheard by: Ana
Little Kid: I'm Biding My Time
Queer #1 glaring at nearby smoker lady: Ugh!
Queer #2: I hope she gets cancer. [Woman passes a little kid and enters museum.] That little kid should've kicked her.
--Outside the Brooklyn Museum
Overheard by: Caulfield
Girl: That "I'm Really Catholic" Ploy Works Every Time
Dude #1: Did you go home with that girl last night?
Dude #2: Yeah, I was up all night. She was like a fucking porn star -- stuck her finger in my ass!
Dude #1: Porn star? That girl had a face fit for radio! And she told me that she was really Catholic!
Dude #2: I told her I've only been with two girls, and then I tried to stick it in her ass!
Dude #1: You are a real scumbag!
--36th & 3rd
Overheard by: Peter Persico
A Legal Conundrum
Drunk boyfriend: Yo! Stop hittin' me! What's your problem?!
Drunk girlfriend: Shut up, haha. I'll slap you if I want to.
Drunk boyfriend: Stop! Or I'm gonna rape you.
Drunk girlfriend: Ohhh, I dare you...
--A train
The Metaphor Still Works, Asshole.
Bimbette: She was being such a bitch, and I was like, 'You catch more flies with honey than you do with a fly swatter, y'know.'
Boyfriend: Don't talk. Seriously. Just stand there and look hot, okay?
--Penn Station
Overheard by:
The Clintons Make New Friends Wherever They Go
Teen girl to driver on cell: Hang up and drive!
Driver: Oh, suck it, bitch!
Teen girl, pointing at female passenger: Looks like you have someone to do that for you.
Driver: She's my wife -- she doesn't do that anymore [drives away].
Teen girl, to friend: Was that a joke, or was he still insulting me?
--42nd & Park
Overheard by: Dave R
But I'm Not Sure I See the Comparison to the Fall of Rome
Trendy teen girl #1: You know, it's like a fat girl who has a really pretty face...
Trendy teen girl #2: Oh my god, I hate that!
--Tribeca
When Abortion Debates Get Out of Hand
Hipster girl: You know, I was really, really dreading that family dinner, but it wasn't so bad...
Mom, complacently stroking umbrella: Yeah, apart from the part where he tried to stick the knife down your pants, I thought it went really well!
--F train
What?! We Don't Have Our Own Stairs?
Woman #1: Why don't we take the elevator?
Woman #2: Don't we have to wait in the line?
Woman #1: Oh, no, we're faculty. We can just go up.
Guard: Join the line for the elevator, please!
Woman #1: Oh, we're faculty.
Guard: And you can join the line for the elevator, please.
Woman #1: Ugh. I'll just walk up to the third floor, then!
--Silver Center, NYU
Thirty Years Late in Some Cases
Tourist woman #1: I don't understand why people are laughing at everything the characters say.
Tourist woman #2: I know! I think most people are just getting most of the jokes late.
--Spamalot, Shubert Theatre
Overheard by: sara
True, but He Only Does It Every Five Days
Guy, about colleague's showering habits: Yea, you know, I have an eye for that kinda stuff. Need to make sure people stay clean 'n fresh 'round me. Know what I'm sayin'?
Girl: Are you sure? Because--
Guy: --Nah, yo. He must shower early in the morning or late at night. Or else somewhere in between.
--On the bus
Overheard by: Nabz
I Used to Have Them Backwards, but I Was Dead Wrong
Professor: What words do we get from the name Aphrodite?
Student #1: Hermaphrodite.
Professor: Yes -- from the union of Aphrodite and Hermes. What else?
Student #2: Aphrodisiac!
Professor: Good! And what is an aphrodisiac?
Students: [Silence.]
Professor: Are you all Victorians? Come on... What's it called when one uses something to arouse sexual appetite?
Student #3: Necrophiliac! [Class laughs.]
Professor: I have to advise you to invest in a dictionary, as it's simply prudent to know the difference between a necrophiliac and an aphrodisiac. Hopefully, you won't ever need to thank me for that.
--NYU
Overheard by: Cairo
What a Plot Twist!
Man: How much for two double-A batteries?
Bodega worker: The good ones or the one-dollar ones?
Man: The dollar ones.
Bodega worker: One dollar.
Man: I'll take two.
Bodega worker: That will be two dollars.
Man: Two dollars?!
--30th & 6th
Well You Didn't Want to See Dumb and Dumber
Black teen #1: Yo, let's go see Blood Diamond.
Black teen #2, with African accent: No, I told you -- I don't want to see that.
Black teen #1: What are you talkin' 'bout, don't wanna see it? Nigga, you're in it!
--Loews, Lincoln Center
Um, I'm from Thailand
White tween: Everyone has a MySpace.
Asian tween: I don't have a MySpace.
White tween: You don't got a MySpace? Why not?
Asian tween: 'Cause it's the easiest way to meet sexual predators.
White tween, laughing: Nah, don't worry. You ain't ever gonna meet any sexual predators -- you're ugly.
--PS 173 playground, Fresh Meadows
This Is Your Brain after Too Many Years in New York
Crazy man: Who wants a transfer?
Crazy woman, raising hand and turning around: I do!
Crazy man, spitting food: I like yo' braids.
Crazy woman: Thanks. [Crazy man flashes his bling.] Hahaha!
Crazy man: Yeah, these cost 70 grand, but I got 'em for 39. [Crazy woman ignores him.] I strut when I walk -- e'ryday.
--Bx33 bus
Overheard by: Nooners
But I Only Wear It for Special Occasions
Goth girl #1: I hate girls with mustaches.
Goth girl #2: Yeah, me, too.
Goth girl #1: ... Actually, I have a mustache.
Goth girl #2: Yeah, me, too.
--1 train
Overheard by: Tim
What Boy Band Hasn't Had This Conversation Backstage?
Guy #1: You can't allow her to keep doing that to you, man.
Guy #2: Yeah, you're right... Sometimes I wish I was gay.
Guy #1, after both guys laugh: ...Uh... You were kidding, right?
--Men's locker room, New York Sports Club, Tribeca
Overheard by: Matt
Just the Muppets That Keep Showing Up to Fuck Children
NYU guy #1: I was watching that Dateline show, To Catch a Predator last night on TV.
NYU guy #2: Chris Hansen is the world's biggest cock-block.
NYU guy #3: Chris Hansen? Didn't he invent the Muppets?
--NYU Palladium Dining Hall
Meet the Unmoved Mover of the City
Crazy toothless hobo playing with revolving door: Whoa, I rocked this joint. You like it?
Girl: Fascinating.
Hobo, yelling at traffic a minute later: Keep it moving before I kick you in the nuts!
--Kmart, Astor Pl
Barbara Bush Is So Fucking Self-righteous
Little girl seeing naked cowgirl: Mommy, how come I can see that lady's boobies?
Mommy: Well, she's letting everybody know it's okay to breast feed.
--46th & Broadway
Overheard by: Chadwick Vogel
Headline by: mbobbinson
Runners-Up:
· "...for Tips" - Melissa
· "And Why Did Daddy Just Walk Into a Pole?" - TJ
· "Her Thong Lets Everyone Know Tips Are Appreciated" - Dangello
· "How Come I Can See Her Vagina?" - Peter Madsen
· "Later, She'll Ride the Mechanical Bull and Serve Us Milkshakes" - Dawn Elizabeth
Click here to see the new Headline Contest
It's Almost Gotten to the Point Where I Can Sit Down Again
Creepy goth guy: Wait, so did he cry when you guys broke up?
Fat chick: Basically, it was like, 'Things are different now, dude. It's a complete role reversal. It's like I'm the guy and you're the girl, and, quite frankly, I don't want to put my dick in you.'
Creepy goth guy: Oh, I've heard that one before.
--The Met
Overheard by: Shaaaane
I Have Hose Anxiety
Dude: No way!
Friend: Why? You never peed at a firehouse?
--W 19th & 7th
Or, You Know, Whatever
Dude #1: You got laid last night, so shut up. Although I never saw her, so I don't know what she looked like.
Dude #2: Neither do I...
Dude #1: Yeah, I thought about staying up and waiting just to get a look at her.
--17th & Irving
Overheard by: B-Round
Wednesday One-Liners Look Busy When the Foreman Comes Around
Hardhat: Sometimes I like pissing on the sawdust floor and seeing the dust come right back up in the air.
--Bryant Park
Overheard by: TVontheFritz
Black hardhat to hot chick: Will you be my screensaver?
--19th & 6th
Overheard by: Philip
Hardhat: This whole street smells like panties!
--43rd & 8th
Big hardhat, after bumped by lady: Yo, I'm tryin' to be Italian over here!
--64th & 1st
Overheard by: Rich Templeton
A Wednesday One-Liner Is Worth a Thousand Words
Cheerful lady taking photos: Smile! Say, 'Shit'!
--20th & Park
Overheard by: Rose Fox
Chick with camera: I am gonna Flickr the fuck out of you!
--Burp Castle, 7th & 2nd
Overheard by: Still dazzled by the flash
Hippie chick: Yeah, I put up a picture of her on my site -- the one of her on the couch. It was the only picture where she didn't have two dicks in her.
--Thai restaurant, Park Slope
Angry man, about his ex: I was looking at her picture and got mad right away. You know instant oatmeal? I was instant angry.
--Staten Island Ferry
Overheard by: KristenH
Man with accent, into pay phone: I have the pictures! With the girl, yes! ... Vagina in them! Yes!
--W 4th St
These Wednesday One-Liners Are Not Yet Rated
Sixth grade boy reading list of movies to himself: Robin Hood: Men in Tights. Men in tights... Men in tights... I don't know what the movie is about, but I like the title.
--Middle school, Park Slope
Angry dude: I can't believe no place in all of New York City has this fucking movie. You can get anything in this city. Anything. If I wanted to get two midget strippers who'd let me do rails of coke off their asses tonight, I would be able to, but I can't get this one fucking movie!
--St. Mark's Pl
Hipster: I'm sorry, but there's just never going to be a movie starring a midget.
--14th & 1st
Overheard by: Peter Dinklage, The Station Agent
Hipster dude: So I woke up, watched a movie, watched a movie, watched a movie, watched a movie, went out to the movies, came home, and watched another movie. I love movies. But then I had to sleep on my futon, and I woke up to a dog peeing on my head.
--R train
Asian chick to preggers friend: It would be so cool if your water broke during the movie.
--IMAX Theater
Overheard by: I don't think it would be...
Wednesday One-Liners Hope They Get a Pony This Year
Concert-goer to friend: ... And then she told me, 'I had a shitty birthday, but what do you expect? I'm dating a pirate!' And I said, 'He's not a pirate, he's a douchebag! You're dating a douchebag!'
--Beacon Theatre, 75th & Broadway
Woman to friend: I don't know what to get him for his birthday. Do you know what he gave me for my birthday? An ulcer.
--A train, between 59th & 42nd
Chick: He gave me a laptop for my birthday... And we haven't even had sex yet!
--Sol y Sombra
Yuppie on cell: I think because of the mental state I was in that really doesn't count as cheating. Plus, it was my birthday, so technically it never happened, therefore I didn't fuck up or do anything wrong, therefore nothing ever happened to begin with, therefore you have no reason to complain, therefore you are still my girlfriend.
--14th St & E 1st Ave
Overheard by: Adrienne
Wednesday One-Liners Are Sleeping with Their Secretaries
Suit on the run, after accosted by street charity worker: I don't want to save a child! I want to go to a meeting!
--53rd & Lex
Suit: Yeah, I don't think I could work for the government. All they do is kill people.
--23rd & Park
Suit: I don't play hard to get; I play hard to like.
--Columbus Circle
Overheard by: Brian
Suit on cell: I just got back from São Paulo. That place looks like New York threw up on L.A.
--JFK
Suit on cell: What do you mean scientologists are following you? ... No, you can't stay at my place tonight...
--6th Ave
Overheard by: E.Major
And Wednesday Said, "Let There Be One-Liners!"
Hipster: Percocet makes me feel like God... [drunken pause]... is rubbing my tummy.
--Restaurant, Front St, Brooklyn
Latina: I like to be comfortable when I pray, and I do not think God holds that against me.
--Thai restaurant, Astoria
Bag lady: God has always been good to me.
--6 train
Overheard by: Jeff Hubbard
Old grump: That's the problem with kids today -- they think they're God.
--Canal St
Overheard by: Abby
Chick: I've determined God put me on this earth just so I can lose box cutters.
--L train
Subway preacher: God put me here to annoy the crap out of ya so that you hear his word, and believe you me, if I could I would be doing drugs, drinkin', and fuckin' right now... But I can't... I just can't, because this is my mission -- to annoy ya and preach the word of God!
--R train
Wednesdeified One-Linefication
Wheelbo: I understand that this is a crowded train. I will try and move past you as articulately as possible, as not to step on anybody's toes.
--6 train
Overheard by: Becs
Guy trying on women's sunglasses: Are these for women, or are they ambidextrous?
--Laila Rowe, Upper West Side
Overheard by: nisey79
Dude: ... And I became an intern to be internal...
--Columbia University
NYU chick on cell: Thanks so much for, like, printing out my paper for me. You were, like, such a lifesaver! Yeah, my printer ran out of, you know, cartilage, so I'm at Staples buying some more.
--Soho
Overheard by: if only sharks could be used as toner
Bimbette: Yeah, well, she just kept on keptin' on...
--4th Ave, between 11th & 12th St, Brooklyn
Overheard by: Mike R
Fat lady: They eat dogs in other countries -- it's a delicatessen.
--Fulton & Church St
Overheard by: Dan
Wednesday One-Liners for the Bush Administration
Man to crying woman he just chased down the street: What did you want me to do?! Lie and say that you're a good writer?
--25th & Madison
Overheard by: Jocelyn
Chick to friend: But I only lie when I know no one will find out!
--Union Square
Kid to friends, repeatedly: Yo -- animals... They don't know how to lie.
--6th St, between 1st Ave & Ave A
Overheard by: anthony recchia
Bimbette: Yeah, I've been to hundreds of Catholic churches... I still lie.
--St. Patrick's Cathedral
Overheard by: are you proud of this?
Wednesday One-Liners Leave a Note
Columbia student on cell: Man, I need Spring Break so bad. I need it more than I needed to mess around with that suicidal chick last weekend.
--W 114th St
Overheard by: arthur digby sellars
Middle-aged lady on cell: Well, does Mom know about this? ... That's not a suicide pact, Dad, it's a murder-suicide.
--Smith & Baltic, Brooklyn
Old suburban lady: Well, maybe I should try killing myself for once!
--Port Authority
Overheard by: Ian
Teen to friend, enthusiastically: Let's hold hands and skip and tell him to go kill himself!
--Henderson Ave, Staten Island
Overheard by: Green Star
Old guy: Guy is holding up traffic for five hours because he wants to jump off the George Washington Bridge. You wanna kill yourself, take a bottle of pills!
--Chiropracter's office
Overheard by: sara n.
Wednesday One-Liners: Great for Your Complexion
Hot chick on cell: Important question: Which is more painful, cum in your eye, or Caesar salad dressing in your eye?
--Columbia University
Overheard by: Ladle
Dude on cell: ... Because I'm a pastry chef, and my semen tastes like ice cream.
--Soho
Ghetto girl on cell: So he said to me, 'Suck my cum for five dollars,' and I was like...
--St. Mark's & Broadway
Overheard by: Stilettofem
Chick: I have no agreements for future procurement of sperm.
--Harlem
Overheard by: Meister
Hipster chick on cell: Why were you and Voldemort sharing sperm?
--140th & Broadway
Overheard by: Ladle
Wednesday One-Liners Publish or Perish
Professor: If you are selected, meet me and talk to me about the presentation on Thursday, and you can take advantage of me. [Awkward pause, then] If you want to rape me, you are welcome to try, but I don't think so because I am pretty strong.
--NYU
Overheard by: Ting
Political philosophy professor after oral surgery: I had a choice to make: I could have stayed home like a happy clam on Percocet, or I could teach class... I miss the Percocet.
--Hunter College
Overheard by: tanechka
Computer science professor: They [people who figured out which mushrooms were poisonous] were the true pioneers. Screw Edison!
--NYU
Professor: Don't get too excited -- I'm not putting you into groups. Yeah, I saw you all sitting there, looking around, thinking 'Which of these fuckers is going to do all of the work?'
--Fordham University
Professor: Okay, you guys fill out these course evaluations, and I'll go amuse myself for 15 minutes by... doing drugs or something [leaves room].
--Waverly Building, NYU
Overheard by: evanescent
English professor: I can never find enough excuses to use the word 'pus.'
--Hunter College
Overheard by: upperwestsider
This Is the Dawning of the Age of Wednesday One-Liners
Teen girl on cell: He started laughing and calling me a moron when we were drunk and I asked him if the sun and the moon were the same thing, and I told him, 'If you had my brain, you'd understand what I meant!'
--Penn Station
Redhead: He and I are like twin stars that will never have sex.
--Starbucks, 95th & Broadway
Overheard by: ein ladle
Bimbette: Does the U.S. own the moon?
--Astronomy 101, Borough of Manhattan Community College
Dork to gaggle of girls: A half moon is fuckin' half as full as a full moon, ya heard?!
--East Village
Overheard by: Verbena
"Dear Jason, Thanks for the Compliment -- I Think. LOL! Joy"
Creepster #1: So, I wrote her an e-mail that said, 'Your titties look really nice. They look really succulent.'
Creepster #2: You wrote 'succulent'?
Creepster #1: Yeah, I said, 'Your titties look succulent in photo number five.'
Creepster #2: That's fucked up.
Creepster #1: I know, but...
--Union & Smith, Brooklyn
Overheard by: crowin
Oh, Sorry -- I Didn't Know
Man, as a woman screams: Bitch, don't touch me! My wife is pregnant!
--Union Square
Overheard by: Jay
Isn't That What Insecure Ugly Girls Do?
14-year-old girl: How long does Accutane take to work?
Dermatologist: Before you know it, you'll be so beautiful you'll be beating off all the guys.
--Dermatologist's office
I'm More Like Auntie Emo
Girl #1: You're kind of a hipster.
Girl #2: Oh, so I'm a hipster?!
Girl #1: Well, yeah, but you're a good hipster.
Girl #2: So, I'm not the wicked hipster of the West?
Girl #1: No, you're the good hipster of the East, or whatever.
Girl #2: ... You don't know what you're talking about!
--25th & Broadway
Overheard by: laurie
When Are You Not?
Barista #1: Dude, that would be awesome.
Barista #2: That's crap. That would look stupid, and I will give you 50 bucks if you find me one!
Barista #1: Deal.
Customer: What are you guys talking about?
Barista #2: Human cheetah man.
--Tea Lounge, Union St
He Says He's Sorry
Street preacher: The day of repentment is here!
Passerby: 'Repentment' isn't a word...
Street preacher: It's the word of God.
--42nd & 5th
Overheard by: The Professor
Presenting This Week's Most-Ironic-Location Conversation
Teen #1: So, the age of consent in New York is 17, right?
Teen #2: What if you were born in, like, New York City, but you got raped somewhere that the age of consent is lower... [lowers voice drastically]... like New Jersey?
Teen #3: I don't think there's an age of consent for rape...
--Battery Park
Overheard by: drmario
Not the Good Rocks, Either
Spanish chick #1: He look good. You think you gonna give him your number?
Spanish chick #2: Nuh-uh. Not with his teeth lookin' like he been eatin' rocks.
--E train
Overheard by: JK
The Curse of the Drinking Class
Drunk girl: Fuck you. Get a job. ]Lightly pushes guy. No response.] I said, fuck you. Get a job! [Pushes him harder.]
Guy: Stop pushing me.
Drunk girl: Fuck you. Get a job!
Guy: Stop pushing me.
Drunk girl: Fuck you! Get a job! [Pushes him down.]
Guy: What the hell?! I have a job! I have a job!
Drunk girl: I don't care! Get a job!
--St. Mark's & 1st
Overheard by: Darien
Men Can Be Just As Catty As Women
Dude #1: We need more females for spring break... Who else can we invite? Nicole?
Dude #2: But then Joe will have to come, and I don't care for him.
Dude #1: Julie says he's changed since high school, though. Like, matured.
Dude #2: Hmmm, interesting.
Dude #1: Yeah, food for thought... Or for starving children in Somalia.
--St. John's University
Overheard by: Peter G.
Told Her to Go Have an Abortion and Think Things Over
Tree-hugger #1: So, this dumb girl didn't even know what the ACLU was...
Tree-hugger #2: Did you take her outside and shoot her?
--33rd & 5th
She Works for EHarmony
Fat lady: Whew! Hey, I think I just found the love of my life! The subway conductor! [People smile.] Wooo! He's got a nice package! [People look away.] I tell ya, one night with him -- you'll never forget it! Where are we? Is this 34th? Look out! Clear the way! Wide load comin' through! Have a wonderful day! [She exits, then screeches from the platform as train moves away] I love youuu!
--R train
Dirt-Road Didactics
Hoochie: I tried anal sex and it just hurt too much. Then I figured out that if you just douche your ass, it doesn't hurt at all!
Wannabe hoochie: Really?!
--Bar, Staten Island
Overheard by: yohezzy
Culling the Herd
Drunk girl #1: So, why did you spit on her?
Drunk girl #2: I don't know. Oh my god, I spit on her?
Drunk girl #1: Oh my god, you don't remember?
Drunk girl #2: Hahaha, shit! Well, she must have deserved it. What'd she do?
Drunk girl #1: I don't know. You said she was looking at your man.
Drunk girl #2: Well, fuck, then she deserved it. Where is she? I'll spit on her again!
Sober girl: You just got on the train. You spit on me and I'll fucking kill you.
--1 train
It's the Mexico of Asia
Old white man: I didn't know they had cockfights in Korea.
Young Asian guy: Yep, sure do.
--1 train
Security Guard: Ummm... My Breasts Are Just Malformed
Crazy lady, after announcement of impending closing: Don't kick me out! You can't kick me out -- I'm handicapped! [Security guard stares.] I have my sticker! In my bag! [Announcement repeats in French.] I don't even understand what she's saying! [Minutes later] Hey! Is this a new Picasso? I've never seen this one before!
--MoMA
Overheard by: stoned assholes
The Plumber's in There Now
Lawyer #1: Why are you so pissy this morning?
Lawyer #2: Eh, just frustration. My wife's vagina is out of order again.
--Supreme Court, Jamaica
Overheard by: Big Larry
A Startlingly Accurate Description of the Mary Kate Olsen Bobblehead
Little girl: You're the most beautiful girl in the whole world! [Mom smiles.] You are.
Mom: I think you're the most beautiful girl in the whole world.
Little girl: Only to you.
Mom, holding up girl's art project: Actually, I think she's the most beautiful girl in the whole world.
Little girl: No! She's a princess bird-fish!
--F train
Overheard by: Actually, I'M the most beautiful girl in the world
Then You'll Get into Med School for Sure
Chick #1: I don't know why it isn't working!
Chick #2: Maybe you should get shit-faced.
Chick #3: Maybe you should try a push-up bra.
--23rd & 6th
Overheard by: Is there a 3rd solution?
That Was Fast
Girl #1: Imagine if you were still in that job!
Girl #2: I know. It was so bad... I would have quit by now. Wait, I did quit.
--Astor Pl
Overheard by: Thompson
The Difference between Extroverts and Introverts
Mom: You haven't seen her in three years. Why don't you just invite someone you don't know? Why don't you just open the phone book and point to a name at random and invite that person?
Little boy: Oh, yeah!
--W 100th & Columbus Ave
Overheard by: Philanthropist
Plus, She's Deaf. And German.
Man: I'm thinking about learning Japanese so I can speak to my wife's grandmother.
Lady: That's cool.
Man: Nah, actually, I don't think I will. She's old and only has a couple of years left anyhow. Forget it.
--E 19th & Park Ave South
Headline by: boyhowdy
Runners-Up:
· "Besides, I Hate When She Talks During Sex" - Trey Jackson
· "But Those Gums Look So Soft & Enticing..." - wvs
· "Come to Think Of It, Maybe We'll Stop Feeding Her, Too." - Bobbing for Lucky Charms
· "He Clearly Has No Idea Just How Long Japanese Women Live" - Gaijin
· "Man, Fuck Old People." - RaRa
· "She Can't Be That Old. I Mean, Your Wife's 14." - RaRa
· "THAT'S for Pearl Harbor" - Daniel Patterson
Click here to see the new Headline Contest
Some Poor Guy Must Have Slept with Both of Them
50-ish woman #1: She's a bitch.
50-ish woman #2: Well, her daughter killed herself.
50-ish woman #1: And now we know why! She's a bitch! I may not have been the smartest girl in class, but I'm perceptive. She's a bitch!
--Westside Restaurant
Overheard by: dek
The Kid's Hoping Math Becomes Debatable
Little boy: How much farther is it?
Father: Well, we're on 116th now...
Little boy: Oh, no! I don't wanna do math now!
Father: And we're going to 112th... What do you think?
Little boy, sighing heavily: Okay... 116 minus 112... That's three streets!
Father: No...
Little boy, halting and releasing father's hand: What do you mean, 'No'?! Hey! Come back here!
--116th & Broadway
But at Least We're Not Goth
Punk #1: Do you realize that we only live 80 years?
Punk #2: And we've done so much more than most people.
Punk #3: It's, like, philosophical.
Punk #1: And we don't get the same opportunity as other people because of the way we look.
Punk #2: That's discrimination.
--Bathroom, Otto's Shrunken Head, 14th St
Overheard by: Leon Dekelbaum
It Was Pasta Its Prime
Secretary: Mr. Barnes* is out today... He is very sick.
Colleague: Oh, no! What's wrong?
Secretary: He has food poisoning. You know -- that semolina...
Colleague: You mean 'salmonella'?
Secretary: Yeah, that's what I just said -- semolina.
--Financial District
That Doesn't Involve Anyone Emerging from Mommy
Little boy: Daddy, I think you and Mommy should have a baby. I want a little brother.
Dad: No, your mother and I aren't having anymore kids.
Little boy: But how will you and Mommy have any fun?
Dad: We'll have fun with you!
--Port Authority
He's the Duchess of Suffolk County
Fag hag scanning seats during intermission: Oooh, look at that queen up there!
Queer: Girl, that's no queen! He's from Long Island.
--High Fidelity show
Says the Woman Wearing a Leopard-Print Fannypack?
Tourist lady: Where's the ladies' room?
Waiter: Top of the stairs on the left.
Tourist lady: I was just up there. It's not marked for ladies, so I was afraid to use it.
Waiter: It's a unisex.
Tourist lady: Excuse me?
Waiter: It's for everyone. Men and women.
Tourist lady: You're all going to hell. Do you know that?
--Bar 89, Mercer St
Overheard by: Veronica at http://everythingisused.blogspot.com/
That's Just What You Want, Stanley
Ghetto queer, about passerby: Damn, girl, you see that skinny bitch's shirt?
Friend: No...
Ghetto queer: It said, 'I always get what I want.' Yeah right, nigga. That's some bullshit if I ever heard it. If you always got what you wanted, you wouldn't be dressing in ghetto-ass t-shirts from the Dollar Store and walking around this neighborhood. You'd be dressin' all Gucci and shit and livin' on Park Avenue.
--147th & Broadway
Um, All I Said Was, "Are You My New Roommate?"
Girl: So, do you know anything about the Holocaust?
Roommate: Like what?
Girl: I don't know -- like, fun facts or something?
--Dorm, Columbia
It's Nothing to Joke About
Girl #1, sniffing: Do you smell maple syrup?
Girl #2: You mean that urine stench?
Girl #1: Oh, I guess that's it.
--A train, 96th St
In Fact, I Strongly Suspect I'm the Missing Link
Yuppie guy: So, what did you have for breakfast?
Yuppie girl: Um, a chicken and cheese sandwich.
Yuppie guy: You mean an egg and cheese?
Yuppie girl: Oh, yeah. Well, technically it's still a chicken sandwich. What came first, anyway, the chicken or the egg?
Yuppie guy: Well, probably the chicken because it was created -- like Adam and Eve.
Yuppie girl: Personally, I think it was the egg. I believe in evolution.
Yuppie guy: Uh-huh.
--Starbucks, E 53rd
Overheard by: Johanna
And a "Beauty" Is Someone Who's at Least 70% Silicone
Dad: A geek is someone ugly but very smart.
Six-year-old son: Ugly, but very smart...
Dad: Actually, a geek is really someone in the circus that bites the heads off of chickens.
--75th & Roosevelt, Jackson Heights
Overheard by: geek lover
I Can Send You to a Blockbuster, but I Charge a Finder's Fee
Chinese lady hawker: DVD! DVD! DVD!
Southerner lady: Do y'all have The Sound of Music?
Chinese lady hawker: New DVD only! Charlotte Web! New James Bond!
Southerner lady: They just get everything first in New York, don't they? So... Y'all don't have The Sound of Music?
--Canal St
Overheard by: Miss Megan
We're "Fisting," One Might Say
High school kid #1: Yo, man, give me a pound! Man, don't leave me hanging!
High school kid #2: What? Oh, I'm pounding you in my head.
High school kid #1: Yo, nasty!
High school kid #2: I meant with my fist! ... To your fist.
--Main St, Flushing
More Like Banana Republic
Teen girl: Do you ever feel that you look like a banana when you smile?
Friend: No...
--60th & Broadway
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