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When He Gets to Pivot Tables, She'll Reach Climax
Adult student: It does matrices, too. They're sorta tricky... You have to kinda slowly drag them out--
Student tutor: --That's so hot!
--NYU computer lab
Overheard by: matrices maiden
Burglar: Ow, Shit! WTF?!
Customer: I'm looking for a kitchen table, some chairs, and a coffee table.
Sales guy: Wow, your place must be very big!
Customer: Not really. That's about all that will fit.
--Surprise! Surprise! store, East Village
I Do Not Like War Stories with Contusions/I Do Not Like Myriad Literary Allusions
Chick: Have you ever read Catch 22?
Guy: Was it written by Dr. Seuss?
Chick: No.
Guy: Then no.
--Pace University
Overheard by: Hugh
You Should Swim
Employee #1: So, if a nine-eleven happens, I need to stand across the park?
Employee #2: You gotta get away from tall buildings.
Employee #1: Hell, if a nine-eleven happens, I'm going to Long Island. Nobody cares about Long Island.
--Jamba Juice, 22nd & 5th
It Leered at Me and Gave Me the Finger
Tourist hubby to wifey who jumped up from taking a seat: What happened?
Tourist woman, disgusted: I just saw some dirt!
--4 train
Fucking Metrosexuals Ruin My Mocking Buzz
Pointing hobo: Your zipper! Hahaha!
Whitey: It's a button fly.
Hobo: Goddamn. Second time today...
--Flushing & Portland, Navy Yard, Brooklyn
Someone's Getting the Teeth Tonight
Girl: ... And then I was like--
Guy, exhausted after 10 minutes of her chattering: --Are you on your knees?
Girl: What? No.
Guy: Then shut your mouth.
--A train
Overheard by: thinking the same
That Just Means It Likes You
Dressy girls, wiping faces: Ewww! What is that?! Ugh! Ewww!
Guy passerby: It's just a little city juice. That's all!
--Spring & Mercer
Yeah, You Don't Want to Sound Retarded
Bimbette #1: I got the hottest shoes. They're like Burberry, but cuter, with sexy heels. Zimbabwe likes them.
Bimbette #2: His name is Zimbabwe?
Bimbette #1: Well, no one can pronounce it. It starts with a 'K,' but I think it sounds retarded, so I'd rather call him Zimbabwe.
--66th & 3rd
Maybe If You'd Stop Comparing My Penis to Fermented Vegetables...
Blonde: What? I can't say 'I want to fuck my Korean boyfriend' out loud in here?
Embarrassed Asian guy: Please not here. Keep your voice down. We'll talk about it when we get home.
Blonde: What's a girl gotta do to get some kimchi around here? I'm dying. You've got to give up the goods more.
--Duane Reade
That Would Make You the United Nations
Young man: What I'd do is throw a costumed dinner party and have someone killed at the table.
Young girl: Uh-huh.
--Maiden & William St, Financial District
He's Still My Favorite Gym Teacher, Though.
Teen girl #1: You didn't I know I went out with Hector?
Teen girl #2: Nah.
Teen girl #3: Hector went out with everyone. He kissed all the girls. We called him 'The Rapist,' or 'R. Kelly.'
--Q88 bus
Overheard by: Me
The Era of the Gentleman Dealer Is Sadly Over
Chick: I hooked up with everyone. I even hooked up with my dealer.
Dude: Yeah, you did.
Chick: But I had to break up -- he was too thuggish.
--1 train
I Was Treating It Like a Blowgun
30-ish woman #1: I really didn't know what a blowjob was 'til I was, like, really old.
30-ish woman #2: You mean until you actually had it in your mouth?
--Cobble Hill
That Doesn't Even Work on His Partner
Queer suit running toward closing doors: Please hold the doors! [Conductor closes doors, pretending not to hear.] But it's my birthday!
--F train platform, 63rd & Lex
Overheard by: Catholic School Girl
So Run If You See a VW Beetle
Hardhat #1 with pavement-smoothing machine: It won't start.
Hardhat #2: I tell ya, if it's got tits or wheels, it's gonna give ya problems.
--75th & 3rd
Overheard by: Mo
Nothing Is Real and Nothing to Get Hung About
Stoner #1: Man, this is an awesome place to come and get stoned.
Stoner #2: Dude, totally. This is what John Lennon was all about.
Actual Lennon fan nearby: Shut the fuck up! This is sacred land! Do not make me get Yoko Ono to fuck you two up!
Stoner #1: Geez, calm down.
Stoner #2: Seriously. Like, give peace a chance or whatever.
--Strawberry Fields, Central Park
Overheard by: Rebecca M
Voldemort's Always Playing Hard to Get
Girl #1: Are we talking about 'He who shall not be named'?
Girl #2: Yeah.
Girl #1: So, fuck him!
Girl #2: I should.
--Subway restaurant
Or Simply Consult My College Admissions Essay
20-something girl: Seriously, I love it when guys cum on my face.
20-something guy: Really?
20-something girl: Yeah, you can ask anyone.
--Greenpoint Ave & Manhattan Ave
Overheard by: Yael
Its Gravitational Pull Drives the Ladies Crazy
Pretty boy: You know, penis density is really an under-appreciated quality.
Fat friend: Yeah, I may have a one-and-a-half-inch dick, but it weighs 50 pounds!
Girlfriend to other chick: At least they aren't talking about circle jerks anymore.
--35th & 9th
Overheard by: Brad
By Big-City Standards, at Least
Hipster girl, about shoes: Cool, there's a cow on the side.
Hipster boy: No, it's a sheep.
Hipster girl: Oh.
Hipster boy: Well, whatever -- it's bovine.
--Beacon's Closet, Williamsburg
Overheard by: hipster shopper
And Experiencing New and Exotic STDs
Suit #1: So basically what you're saying is that your misses is a whore?
Suit #2: Yeah, that's what I'm saying.
Suit #1: And you're okay with this?
Suit #2: I'm cool with it as long as I keep getting lots of head.
--85th & Lex
Overheard by: marisa
Oh, Right -- Because Denigration Keeps Me Skinny
Drunk hobo to pretty girl: You are not pretty, you are not beautiful, and no one likes you.
Pretty girl, after hobo leaves train: Why do I live in this city?!
--4 train
Especially When He's All Covered in Oil Like That
Flight attendant: Of course, folks, I'm here to help you, so if you want anything just grab a hold of me as I walk by and I'll do my best to help you in any way I can.
Captain: And make sure you grab a tight hold, ladies and gents -- he's a wily one.
--JFK
One Day the City Began to Speak to Stanley
Suit, after cabbie honks: Beep. [Cabbie honks one more time.] Beep. [Cabbie honks twice.] Beep, beep.
--42nd & Broadway
Overheard by: Maria
Recently-Divorced Men
Impatient, middle-aged Caribbean woman in bathroom line: There should be more women's rooms.
Equally impatient 20-ish woman: Yeah, I know... It's because men designed these buildings.
--JFK
Overheard by: Nina
I Can Hear Fame Tapping at My Chamber Door
Gym rat: So, don't tell a lot of people, but, um, I write poetry.
Friend: Oh, yeah? Since when?
Gym rat: Since we was in English Lit. That Edgar Allen Poe guy -- man, he really expired me to be a writer. I got lots to say.
Friend: That's cool.
Gym rat: I just hope it's easy to get published and shit.
Friend: Should be, should be.
Gym rat: Or maybe I should just go on Def Poetry Jam. Anyone can do that shit.
--44th & Park
Isn't That Queer?
British art guy: You know what I love about Americans?
American art guy: What's that?
British art guy: When I say the word 'fag,' they think I'm talking about smoking and not being homophobic. Even if I say, 'I want to ass-fuck that fag,' I can get away with it because I'm British.
--Soho
The Cooties Appear to Have Gone to His Brain
Four-year-old #1: Ice cream makes your head fall off.
Four-year-old #2: No, it doesn't.
Four-year-old #1: It was just an expression, asshole.
Four-year-old #2, to his dog: Don't let him pet you.
--Central Park
Overheard by: amused tourist
Oooh, My First Rude New Yorker!
Suit: Hey, do you have a light?
Polite Englishman: Sorry, I don't smoke.
Suit: I asked for a light, not your fucking life story.
--Times Square
Overheard by: English, not polite
Women Don't Care How They Look to Men
Black guy: Why would a young black girl dye her hair blonde? Looks terrible, y'know.
Whitey: Um, yeah. Bad idea.
Black guy: Bitch looked like a burnt grilled cheese sandwich.
--One Penn Plaza
Do They Evince Discriminatory Animus against Persons of Color?
Schoolboy in uniform, passing two cops: Run, Alisha! It's the po-po! Run!
Schoolgirl: What?
Schoolboy: We're black! Run!
--14th & 8th station
Overheard by: warrfree
The Bad News: My Breasts Got Squished Flat
Older woman to cashier: Well, I had one of those, one of those... ummm... X-rays? MRIs?
Hipster in line: Mammogram?
Older woman: That's it! I don't have the cancer.
--99 Cent Store, near Devoe
Overheard by: I love MRI pics
I Was Talking to Dave
Girl: There's no way that dog's mouth is cleaner than mine.
Guy #1: It's true. Dogs' mouths are cleaner.
Girl: He was just licking his ass.
Guy #2: You should lick your ass. Maybe you'd be nicer [laughs].
Guy #1: Yeah! [High fives guy #2]. Seriously, though, I'll lick your ass if you want.
Girl: You sicken me.
--Central Park Zoo
Overheard by: Wrong place right time
Headline by: Jon A.
Runners-Up:
· "At Least Rover Licks My Ass with His Pinky Out Like a Gentleman." - KMW
· "Central Park Zoo: The Human Exhibit" - SAtCW
· "I'm Not Hearing a "No"" - x halloween jack x
· "My Two Dads: 2007" - SAtCW
Click here to see the new Headline Contest
Have You Been Reading Mommy's Diary Again?
Four-year-old boy: There are too many people on the train. Someone needs to get off.
Mom: Who needs to get off?
Four-year-old boy: Us!
--A train
Overheard by: otilio
Anybody Wants a Kidney, Be My Guest
Guy to girl: I never hooked up when I was blacked out.
Hobo: You never blacked out from liquor?! I'm about to!
--23rd & 2nd
Marvin's Speech Impediment Sometimes Works in His Favor
Girl #1: His Irish accent is so heavy.
Girl #2: I know.
Girl #1: All I could make out were the words 'actor' and 'single,' but we'll work the rest out later.
--Stitch Bar & Lounge
Wednesday One-Liners Be Illin'
Man on cell: I have a rash there, too!
--LaGuardia
Overheard by: Ewww!
Girl to friends: So yeah, I found out today that I have second-hand ADD...
--86th & Broadway
Overheard by: the doc
Barker to another who spit on him: Man, why you spittin'? What if you got laryngitis? Your next customer's gonna get AIDS!
--Astroland, Coney Island
Overheard by: Greg Costello
Feminine real estate broker guy on cell: ... And then tuberculosis Betty walked in!
--Real estate office, 47th & Madison
Overheard by: Felago
Girl on cell: Honestly, if you have leukemia, you should not be doing coke.
--34th & 8th
Go Back Where You Came from, Wednesday One-Liners!
Woman: I just have a lot of leftover Mexican anger...
--7 train
Overheard by: Elle-train
Man: This guy is a well-known thief, and he's mad at me for ratting him out about something everyone knows. You just can't trust anyone, and that's how I feel about all Canadians.
--NYU
Overheard by: Eleanor
Stoner: That girl was either French or retarded...
--14th St
Overheard by: jenna
Chick on cell: If you can't tell what it is, it's an armless mannequin with a wedding dress half on, breasts bared, with a nice Mexican woman posing her for me.
--Harlem
Overheard by: Wild Dog Boy
Boisterous SI woman: Just push those foreigners out of the way. I've got your back -- they just want to see the green bitch in the water!
--Staten Island Ferry
Overheard by: Mr. Anderson & Poki
Wednesday One-Liners Have Rum in Their Sippy Cups
Excited 50-ish dad to toddler: Come over here, Jameson! Hey, Jameson, we're going to go get some beer! C'mon!
--Times Square
Overheard by: Rose Fox
Late-20s chick to 10-year-old girl: You really shouldn't be drinking...
--74th & Broadway
Eight-year-old boy to older brother: This lemonade smells like alcohol. It has an alcoholic after-taste. Yum!
--TGI Fridays, 54th & Lex
Man to wife: There is nothing funnier than a drunken two-year-old.
--5th Ave
Overheard by: Lee Harvey
Wednesday One-Liners Fear the Silence
Angry woman on cell: How did you get this number? This is my personal cell phone number and I won't be having these kinds of calls coming in under any circumstances! No! Absolutel-- How high would the credit limit be if I activated this card? ... No! I don't take these kinds of calls!
--Washington Square Park
Overheard by: Kory
Conductor: All passengers please have your tickets out, and for those passengers with cell phones, please remember to use your inner voice when using them.
--NJ Transit
Overheard by: Listening to my inner-voices
Loud black guy on cell: Yeah, man, I'll be there later, yo. No doubt, son... Yeah, word, you heard what happen to-- [Cell phone rings and everyone stares at him.]
--125th & Lenox
Overheard by: Hugh
Coworker: My phone's lost all functionality. I mean, it still works, but...
--Office, Midtown
Overheard by: I am large, I contain multitudes
Kid wandering around on cell, suddenly covering phone with hand: I don't even know who I'm talking to! [He goes back to talking on the phone.]
--Kmart, Astor Pl
Dr. Frankenstein's Wednesday One-Liner Buffet
Dude: Civilizations have dried and died on my chest.
--D train
Tween: ... And I'm like, 'Hello, clit.'
--E Houston
Girl: I keep picturing your eye in my stomach.
--1 train
Overheard by: Emily
Little girl: Mom! That girl's poking her eyebrow at me!
--70th & Broadway
Asian girl: I should be paying for all this. It's just going to all end up on my face anyways.
--Food Emporium, Murray Hill
Overheard by: Jesse
Wednesday One-Liners Do It Like They Do on the Discovery Channel
Guy to enthralled friends: ... And they were trying to rush him to the hospital, but they couldn't leave because the fuckin' monkey was banging on the window! And they couldn't back up the car because they didn't want to run over the monkeys! And the cameraman is yelling, 'Run over the fucking monkey! Run over the fucking monkey!' It was so unprofessional.
--Union Square
Overheard by: Jen
Hoochie mom to child, looking at sea lions: Look, honey, the zoo keeper is feeding the dolphins.
--Central Park Zoo
Overheard by: Carey and Echo Doppler
Idiot to another: So, some summer we should go out to Cincinnati and spend the summer building an aardvark.
--Fulton St station
Overheard by: Johnny Twisto
Suit frantically screaming on cell: My horse, my business! My horse, my business!
--Outside Union Square station
Hobo: It's all about survival, man! I been fightin' my whole life. I killed so many people... Then you gotta fight the land animals! Soon they throw you in the water and you fightin' alligators and sharks!
--Union Square
Overheard by: Tom
The Best Wednesday One-Liners We Could Get Under the Salary Cap
Girl in OSU shirt: I, like, didn't go to Ohio State, but I still cheer for them because I grew up in Columbus. Still, I don't see why most people cheer for schools' teams they never went to. Like, I know so many people that cheer for the Eagles, but it's not like they went to Eagles School or anything.
--2 train
Overheard by: Dice To That
Water guy: Ice cold water! Get your ice cold water for one dollar! [Guy walks by with Red Sox hat.] Two dollars for Red Sox fans!
--Broadway & Houston
Overheard by: Bronwyn
Tourist girl: Strawberry Fields? Isn't that, like, a song or something? Or is it that baseball movie with the ghosts?
--Central Park, Strawberry Fields
Overheard by: Erin
Jersey thug: If my job was to be Mr. Met, I'd just caress young bitches all day.
--Shea Stadium
Little boy to father, who's flipping through sports section: If you do something really bad, but you play sports, you won't get locked up!
--Brooklyn-bound L train
Overheard by: CEF
Wednesday One-Liners Look Forward to a Global Pandemic
Conductor: People, the train is too crowded... Just like OJ -- if you can't fit, you must quit.
--6 train
Mom to kid: Say, 'Excuse me,' and if they don't move, then you can push them out of the way 'cause you said 'excuse me.'
--Crowded D train, Brooklyn
Overheard by: teany
Crushed geriatric lady: If this train were anymore crowded you could get pregnant!
--3 train
Overheard by: glad i'm on the pill
Conductor: Ladies and gentlemen, as I said before, this train is overcrowded. I am very attractive, but there are other attractive conductors on the train behind this one.
--6 train
Man, to his six-year-old child: You can push through the crowd, okay? Just watch your face.
--Train at 57th & 7th
Non-Alcoholic Wednesday One-Liners
Asian dude to friends: So, he told me that you shouldn't drink water after eating watermelon or else the seeds would grow in your stomach, and I was like, 'Are you kidding me? That's apple juice!'
--Bronx Science
Thug teen: I can't drink soda. I drink soda, I'm drunk.
--J train
Overheard by: Jon A.
Chick: In a Snapple bottle?! How could he get it stuck in there?!
--Nostrand & Ave U
Bimbette: I wanna be a fly on the wall. You know -- just an eyeball in the Kool-Aid.
--E train
Overheard by: Ashley
Black guy to scene kid: Yo, he's got that Mountain Dew haircut.
--23rd St
Conductor: Please take all possessions, including newspapers, bags, and litter, including empty bottles of Snapple -- the official drink of New York City -- and enjoy what is left of your weekend.
--A train
Overheard by: Sarah