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I Need an Occasional Reminder of How Bad It Can Be
Girl #1, outraged: How could you have sex without us?!
Girl #2: Relax -- it was with a guy.
--Columbia University
See, Aren't You Glad I Abducted You from That Playground?
Two young boys: Take our picture! Take our picture!
Woman: Maybe if you're good and take a bath together later I'll take a picture of you in the bath.
--Central Park
Overheard by: ben-head
When Doctors Form Gangs
Little blond boy pointing to graffiti on bus seat: What does that say?
Mom: I don't know... It was written by someone with really bad handwriting.
--72nd Crosstown bus
Midwestern Hobos Take a While to Acclimate
Hobo: Miss, do you have a nickel or a dime?
Hot girl: No, I don't.
Hobo, excitedly: Okay, thanks! Have a great weekend!
--R train
Twenty Percent Fewer People Are Shot There
Fat woman: Where do you want to eat?
Fat man: I don't know. I'm kind of in the mood for Pizza Hut.
Fat woman: But Wendy's is healthier...
--14th St
How about the "My Little Cotton Pony Aisle"?
Woman: Why do they have to call it the 'feminine care aisle'?
Friend: I know! Why can't they just write 'Tampons'?
--CVS, Park Ave South
History Is an Unbroken Chain of Irony
German tourist #1: We went to the Jewish Heritage Museum yesterday and the security was crazy! The metal detector reacted to the button of my jeans, they didn't let me carry my bag, and I had to hand in my jacket as well. They didn't even do that when we toured the UN building!
German tourist #2: Maybe you were just racially profiled.
--Staten Island Ferry
Why You Never See Toucan Sam Commercials Anymore
Building super #1: You seen that bird we got in the courtyard? That thing got a mad long beak.
Building super #2: It's probably a woodpecker.
Building super #1: It ain't no fuckin' woodpecker! Someone need to call the ASPCA or some shit before that thing bite someone and give 'em bird flu or some shit!
--2 train, 14th St
Overheard by: Chuckell
There's That New York State of Mind
Roommate #1: Work sucks. I'm so tired. I'm going to go to bed.
Roommate #2: Yeah, you should go to bed. You seem pretty sad, but not as sad as you're going to be tomorrow morning.
Roommate #1: Yeah. Tomorrow's going to suck.
Roommate #2: Hey, man, don't worry. Tomorrow is going to be great! Good things are going to happen.
Roommate #1: Yeah, but not to us.
--Battery Park
Overheard by: Dave
Could You Reiterate the Problem?
Guy #1: He almost got married to a 15-hundred-dollar a night hooker!
Guy #2: Really? So, what broke the deal?
Guy #1: He found out she was a 15-hundred-dollar a night hooker.
Guy #2: He wasn't paying her the whole time?
Guy #1: Naw, he was getting it for free!
Guy #2: Awesome.
--122nd & Broadway
And Neither Will Thousands of YouTube Viewers
Older drunk, tightly hugging young guy: ... And don't think I'm gonna forget. When that happened, who gave me new underwears and washed my ass?
Younger guy, trying to get away: Man, just forget about that!
Older drunk: No! I'm not gonna forget about that!
--Greenpoint, Brooklyn
This from the Kid Who Wants a Dora the Explorer Backpack?
Eight-year-old: But Dad, why are we in the bookstore if we're not buying books?
Dad: Because Daddy likes quiet places.
Eight-year-old: That sounds gay.
Dad, looking nervous: Shut up!
--Borders
Overheard by: Eyeoftherabbit
Let's Sit Far, Far Apart
Black guy #1: Yes, well, we look alike because we're fraternal twins.
Black guy #2: Yeah, you didn't know we were brothers?
White guy: Everyone said you guys were brothers, but I figured they meant 'brothas' and not actual brothers.
Black guy #1: Oh... Okay. Hey, look, we're at Shea.
--LIRR, Shea Stadium
Putting Me in the Lead for Valedictorian. Booyah!
Nerdy white boy whose homework just blew away in the wind: Dang!
Ghetto girl: Looks like you ain't doin' yo' math homework tonight, nigga!
--7 train
Overheard by: Jodi
Are You All Thinking What I'm Thinking?
Chirpy British lady: Ah, you like that all ovah, then?
Man with tattooed arms: ... Uh, a little bit [disembarks].
Chirpy British lady smiles around at other passengers.
--3 train
Overheard by: Hilary
Something Men Tell Each Other They Won't Tell You
Thug #1: ... And you could smell that shit through her jeans, yo! That shit was nasty!
Thug #2: Bitch needs to be fuckin' introduced to Mr. Clean or some shit!
--Outside Francis Lewis High, Queens
You Know What a Girl Mustache Means, Right?
College dude #1: You know what I hate about New York?
College dude #2: What?
College dude #1: Female mustaches.
College dude #2: You don't think there are women with mustaches anywhere else?
College dude #1: No, but there are shitloads more here than anywhere else, and no one seems to care.
College dude #2: Touché.
--59th & 10th
First Those Towers Weren't There, and Now This!
Ticket seller: The statue is permanently closed, sir.
Tourist: What does that mean?
Ticket seller: The statue is permanently closed.
Tourist: For how long?
Ticket seller: Permanently.
--Battery Park
Do You Believe Energy Can't Be Created or Destroyed?
Young physicist: So, dude, are you gonna be around in a few months?
Old physicist: I sure hope so.
--Museum of Natural History
Always an Issue with Arm's-Length Relationships
Asian queer, looking over his shoulder: I think I jerked him off.
Italian queer: Who?
Asian queer: That guy in the green shirt... It's pretty bad when you can't keep track of all the people you've jerked off.
--Union Square
A Dumb Bitch Who Just Took Your Wallet, Bucko
Fat guy: I love you.
Cute girl: Do you really mean what you say, or are you just saying it?
Fat guy: Of course I mean it. [They make out, then chick leaves.] What a dumb bitch.
--W4 station
Overheard by: Ting
There Are a Lot of Rich, Flaky Girls at Marymount Manhattan
Girl #1, studying for math exam: I still don't get it.
Girl #2: What I'm saying is that this statement has nothing to do with a croissant coming out of my ass.
Girl #1: Oh, okay.
Girl #2: Yeah, that's the only way I can remember how to do the problem.
--Marymount Manhattan College
She's Probably Hearing the Siren Song of the Catholic Church
Fag hag: So, how's your hot cousin?
Queer: He's dating this girl now... She's cute, tall... Looks like Katie Holmes -- has the same look on her face.
Fag hag: What look is that?
Queer: You know -- sad.
--Nederlander Theatre
Overheard by: Crazy Legs Freddy
But the Source of Some Great Cheese
Drunk guy #1: Yo, how funny was that when I told him, 'Dude, just stick your balls in her mouth'? Remember that?
Drunk guy #2: Ewww, man, his balls are disgusting!
--LIRR
Overheard by: mrbojangles
And I Prefer to Be Called "Rubenesque"
Very loud woman: You ain't gonna believe the shit that bitch said to me.
Friend: Who? Your friend?
Very loud woman: Yeah, that bitch, my friend. She ain't my friend.
Friend: What she say?
Very loud woman: She say, 'Oh, girl, I ain't seen you in a long time -- like weeks! You look so swollen! Why you so swollen?' I was like, 'Bitch, I ain't swollen, I'm fat. Why you dissin' me?'
--Starbucks, St. Mark's
When Some Ruffian Stole My Pocket Protector
Professor, as student's phone rings in class: Wow, that was loud. What band is that by?
Student: Well, I don't remember what the song is called, but it's by Panic! at the Disco.
Professor: Hmmm... I once panicked at the disco...
--Fordham University
Overheard by: Sromeo
Whole Graveyards Full Of Them
Girl on cell: Yeah, so after I get the surgery, I'm not going to be able to drink or eat for, like, three months.
Friend, on speakerphone: Oh, man, that's rough. Is there, like, a special diet you go on for that?
Girl on cell: I don't know -- I should look online. I'm sure plenty of people have done it before.
--Washington Square Park
Overheard by: Katrina
Never Come Back Here Again, Mr. Simpson
Customer: Do you sell Lacoste here?
Sales associate: No, but they have a door right down on Spring Street.
Customer: How do I get there?
Sales associate: You go out our front door, make a right, and at the intersection make a left and the Lacoste store is right around the corner.
Customer: And they sell Lacoste there?
--Bloomingdales, Soho
I Was Gonna Say "My Family," but You Make a Good Point
Girl: You wanna know something really, really, really fucked up?
Guy: What? Having sex with people?
--Mercer & Greene
Overheard by: waphle
I Heart New York (A Short Story)
Wheelbette: Excuse me, sir -- do you have the time?
Guy: Shut up.
--26th & 6th
Finally, a Phrase Everyone Can Use!
Queer: Can I bum a cigarette? I'm about to get my dick wet.
Flamboyant queer: That's something straight people say.
Queer: Can I bum a cigarette? I'm about to get my dick stinky.
--Soho
Overheard by: Daniel Scott
Even Though He Dumped Me for Steve?
Girl: But what if he doesn't want to have sex with me?
Male friend: Oh, please. Banging exes is like the number two national pastime to baseball.
--6 train
Then Buy Me a Fucking Popsicle Already
Son: Dad, can we buy Popsicles?
Dad: Why don't we make our own at home?
Son: Yay! I want to make seltzer flavor!
Dad, sighing: Well, that would just be an ice cube.
--C-Town, Park Slope
Overheard by: Hiland
So You're Saying You Won't Give Me a Blowjob?
Man: So, you think I can't understand because I don't have a vagina?
Lesbo: Don't sit like that!
Man: What do you mean?
Lesbo: You're crossing your legs so condescendingly!
--Tea Lounge, Park Slope
Overheard by: Lemma
Headline by: Manbo
Runners-Up:
· "Almost Enough to Make Up for You Lack Of Vagina" - John Gray
· "I'm Just Jealous Because Mine Are Too Fat to Cross That Perfectly" - shenanigans
· "I'm Just Protecting My Tool Of Oppression." - robs
· "Well You're Waving Your Vagina Condescendingly" - burnt toast
· "Worst Yoga Class Ever" - benji
· "Yeah, Well Tell Your Nipples to Quit Pointing at Me" - pw
Click here to see the new Headline Contest
Sophie Pulls a Dubya
Lady following running friend: You're going the wrong way!
Runner: So?! [Continues running.]
--Near Sidewalk Café
Cornholerows
Salon receptionist calling man in waiting room: David*, you can pre-pay now.
David: I am here for a touch-up. I don't have to pay this time.
Salon receptionist: Oh, that's right -- what are you getting re-touched, again?
David: My buttocks... Y'know, my butt.
--7th Ave South & Greenwich Ave
He's Absorbent, Yellow and Porous. Like the President.
Girl: Yeah, so then Bob said--
Guy: --Wait, who's Bob?
Girl: SpongeBob.
Guy: Oh, right, right.
--Sullivan & Bleecker
With These Wednesday One-Liners, I Thee Wed
Man on phone: I thought you were calling to tell me you're getting married. That would have been terrible.
--45th & 8th
Overheard by: Lisa
Metromosexual on cell: Lady-fag and Rainblow Brite are getting married.
--Bedford & 5th, Brooklyn
Little Asian girl talking on toy cell: What? Tomorrow? Marry you?!
--Waiting room, Ft Greene Department of Health
Overheard by: nooners
Angry woman to loser husband: If you want this marriage to work, we need to move to Baltimore.
--Starbucks, 59th & Lex
Girl on cell: No, I don't think sleeping with her again will help... Because, honestly, you shouldn't be sleeping with anybody else... I mean, Jesus Christ, we are engaged!
--Starbucks, 23rd & 6th
Man to woman: So, he told you he wasn't dating anybody, but he didn't tell you he was married?
--11th & Broadway
Wednesday One-Liners, Just As God Made Them
Gray Line tour guide: ... And then I looked up into one of these fabulous brownstone buildings and there was a naked woman. She did a dance for the entire bus. Completely naked. Eye contact and everything. That's why I never look into windows anymore...
--The Village
Girl to friend: As long as they don't know that you're naked, it's okay.
--68th St
Crazy guy: One... Two... Three... Naked!
--A train
Overheard by: quietly laughing to herself
Man to another: In my neighborhood, once you walk past Avenue A, none of the men are wearing shirts.
--47th & 10th
Overheard by: MuffinPuffin
Man to landlord, in Polish: There is this naked woman and naked man constantly running around the basement at night. We just can't let this guy keep doing this.
--Nassau Ave
Overheard by: Izabela
Excited chick on cell: I just took my shirt off! In a room full of people talking their shirts off!
--Harlem
Overheard by: Ladle
Wednesday One-Liners Are Serfectly Pober
Thugged-out camp counselor: Twenty dollars to get in?! This place better have an open bar 'n' some shit!
--Bronx Zoo
Overheard by: EthanK
Dude: Yo, this conversation is way too intellectual. Let's go -- I just wanna get drunk and find some hos...
--56th & 8th
Overheard by: JGT
30-ish dude on cell: Yeah, he was so drunk he tried to pay the tab with his health insurance card. Then he got mad when they wouldn't take it.
--43rd & 9th
Guy on phone: That bar sounds awful. I'll be right there!
--53rd & 3rd
Oh, Get Your Wednesday One-Liners Out of the Gutter
Suit during presentation: We are a global company with a tremendous reach-around.
--810 7th Ave
Overheard by: Jatmos
Barista gesturing to fridge: Hey! Milk me!
--Coffee shop
Professor: It's hard to sit there for two hours without a climax.
--NYU
Overheard by: woods comma elle
Teacher, on oral quizzes: ... And if you can satisfy me orally, you will receive a good grade.
--The Dalton School
Overheard by: Marissa
Who Let the Wednesday One-Liners Out?
Clerk: Man, people stink. That's why I'm saying, 'You want a friend, get a dog. Name it Chico. Only thing Chico won't do for you is open his own can of dog food.'
--Duane Reade
Black guy to friend: Man, what you gotta do is you gotta go down to the dog track and get it poppin' with those extreme titties!
--Bar, 5th Ave, Park Slope
Happy hobo: I'm in Manhattan! I'm walkin' down Prince Street! Hey, now I'm crossin' Sullivan! Uh-oh, time to make a sound like a dog -- woof! Woof! Woof!
--Soho
White girl on cell: DMX got in trouble for fighting dogs too? No, of course I didn't know that. Where the fuck would you get the idea that I know what DMX does with his spare time?
--114th & Broadway
JAP: I never told her the dog licked her vibrator.
--Coffee shop, Union Square
The Mad Hatter's Wednesday One-Liners
Lady yuppie: I mean, at first I thought he was seriously psycho, but then I started to think, Maybe he's just being creative...
--Outside NY Public Library
Overheard by: Miss_Rach
Black guy to himself: I'm not like the rest of you -- I'm just an ordinary loon!
--52nd & 3rd
Overheard by: what?
Hobo: Does anybody have Amy Fisher's phone number? I love crazy chicks!
--R train
Old woman to middle-aged woman: You have to walk on the crazy side of the street.
--2nd & 7th, Park Slope
Overheard by: D-Law
Lady to another, pointing at Borough Hall: Is that place a mental institution?
--Stuyvesant Pl, outside SI Borough Hall
You Have Received a Friend Request from Wednesday One-Liners. Do You Wish to Accept?
Girl on cell: What the fuck? I mean, if you want to say hi, just write it on my Facebook wall!
--116th & Broadway
Overheard by: alxie
Dude: I really want to sign up with eHarmony, but I can't think of three things I am thankful for.
--8th & Broadway
Black teen girl: Can't nobody talk shit about her now, 'cause they know we're with her. I mean, she's in our Top Three on MySpace!
--23rd & 8th
Sketchy doctor: I Google everything! I treat my patients with Google.
--Mt. Sinai School of Medicine, 98th & Madison
Pimp My Wednesday One-Liners
Guido: You know what it would mean if I drove a Saab? It would mean I have a big dick.
--Sheepshead Bay theater
Overheard by: sprinkles
JAP on cell: Well, if you guys need a ride I need to call Daddy and tell him to bring the Infinity, not the BMW... Wow, that sounded really JAP-y.
--49th, between 8th & 9th
Restaurant flyer guy: Why a Lamborghini costs so much we don't know, but we do have food!
--96th & 3rd
Overheard by: Drewster
Guy: We either gotta pay the Russian drivers, threaten the Russian drivers, or kill the Russian drivers.
--Financial District
Ghetto lady: That's the only thing you can do in a van with no air conditioning -- sing.
--Maspeth & Metropolitan Ave, Brooklyn
Unidentified, Flying Wednesday One-Liners
Wheelbo: All them stories they tell kids about the stork coming? Naw, man! Babies come here on a big spaceship! There's a baby factory somewhere in the middle of Nevada!
--Subway platform, 53rd & 5th
Tourist: I saw a black man in a black suit, and I was looking for aliens because it was like Men in Black. It was scary. Black in black...
--Hoyt-Schermerhorn station
College girl: I got so worked up I almost threw up in the back seat... 'Cause I thought there were aliens...
--66th & 3rd
Overheard by: Skyler Fox
Drunk guy: You think you're an alien? You're a human being, you fuck!
--Mercer St, between 8th & Waverly Pl
Wednesday One-Liners: The Center of the Universe
Drunk man: You know, garbage trucks are the diamonds of New York. Just... nobody knows they are in the rough.
--Bar, 1st & Houston
Overheard by: Csmith
Drunk, barefoot girl: The streets of New York aren't that dirty... Right...?
--68th & 2nd
Mom to little kid in middle of sidewalk: Honey, please stand aside. These people are in a hurry -- they're New Yorkers.
--68