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For Some Reason, after That Game We Drifted Apart
Guy, as David Wright comes up to bat and stadium erupts with cheers: Oooh, all the girls want David Wright.
Girlfriend: He's pretty good-looking... He's a hottie.
Guy: I'd totally do him... Yep, I would fuck David Wright even if he wasn't on the Mets.
--Shea Stadium
Overheard by: Moving a few rows back...
I Do Not Share Your Reductionist Perspective
Hipster to friend about passing gaggle of hipsterettes: Dude, tits -- that's all you're staring at.
--Meserole St & Manhattan Ave, Greenpoint
Overheard by: napalm kitty
... Like He's Been Begging Me to
Thugette: So, what you gonna do about him, then?
Thug: I swear to God, he even tries it again, I will pee on his face.
Thugette: You what?
Thug: No, seriously, I will. I will pee. On. His. Face.
--25th & 3rd
Overheard by: Katie
I Just Wouldn't Talk to Her because She's Black
Black woman: Money for the homeless? [Blonde chicks walk by, ignoring her.] What? You think you're better than us? Fuckin' white bitches!
Blonde, as she and friends run away: Oh, please, like this is about race. I don't care if she's black or white -- I'm not giving her any fucking money to support her charity. Also known as a crack habit.
--10th & Broadway
Overheard by: don't donate either
That Poor Blow-Up Doll
Chick #1: I think he beats her, you know.
Chick #2: No!
Chick #1: Yeah. But that's just, like, how boys get out their frustration.
--Central Park
... So I Maced Him.
College girl: Whenever I tell anyone that I was there when you dislocated your shoulder they ask if it's my fault 'cause we were having sex.
20-ish guy: Hahaha! Yeah, me, too. I had one guy ask me, 'Did it happen while you were [pelvic thrusts] uh, uh, uh?'
College girl, excitedly: That's exactly what my dad said!
--Riverside Park
Overheard by: Vicksburg
From My Big Book of Imaginary Obstacles
Man: The last time I saw you it was cold, and now it's warm.
Woman: I know.
Man: I just don't know when to call you. I'm afraid that if I call you and you pick up when your husband is there, then we won't be able to talk.
--Manhattan Mall
Overheard by: Appaled
Who Says Jesus Goes Down Easy?
Catholic school girl #1: Stop itching it!
Catholic school girl #2: I just can't help it -- it hurts. I'm having serious bowel problems!
--N train
Overheard by: stephanie
Only Perfectly Healthy Pig Asses Went into These Babies
Jewish kid: Are these hot dogs AIDS-free?
Hispanic vendor, defensive: No, ese, no!
--Yankee Stadium
Overheard by: Lynne
I Don't Know How to Feel about That
Guy: Alright, bye, Corinne! Nice meeting you, Jess.
Jess: He was nice. How do you know him?
Corrine: ... My hand smells like penis. Does your hand smell like penis?
--Outside Bleecker Street Bakery
Overheard by: mine didn't
So Instead, I Bought Smack
Lady #1: I stopped myself from buying a snack today.
Lady #2: Oh, yeah? And how'd you do that?
Lady #1: I said, 'Self, don't buy a snack.'
--Ditmars-bound N train
Overheard by: Carmen
That's His Campaign Slogan, Anyway
Young man #1: You are better qualified for the job, right?
Young man #2: Yeah, but you know Father McLeavy is a clergical whore.
--B train
But You Have to Get AIDS If You Really Want to Keep It Off
Junior girl #1: I know! So many people are getting mono now -- it's ridiculous.
Junior girl #2: I know! Kaitlyn and I agreed that if one of us gets it, we're giving it to the other.
Junior girl #1: Why?
Kaitlyn: Because you get sooo skinny when you get mono! It's, like, the best way to lose weight!
Junior girl #1: Oh.
--Dining hall of private school
You Think They're Your Friends? That's So Cute.
Jogger girl #1: We should go out tonight to this cool new bar I heard of.
Jogger girl #2: Okay, where is it?
Jogger girl #1: Somewhere in the Fla-teer-on District.
Jogger girl #2: ... You mean the Flatiron District?
Jogger girl #1: Oh my god, I'm such an idiot. I've been telling all my friends at work about it -- why haven't they corrected me?
--88th & York
Overheard by: Moderately amused
I Want to Be Loved for Who I Pretend to Be
Chick: One of my compatible matches looked like he must have been captain of his Dungeons and Dragons club back in school, and he said that he recently cut off his hair and donated it to Locks of Love, which is a nice thing to do, but then I had to imagine what he would look like with this horrible ponytail...
Guy: Like a music major ponytail, or, no-- an AV Squad?
Chick: Yeah, exactly. So, needless to say, I deleted that match.
Dude with long hair, beret, beard, trench coat, and glasses standing nearby: I'm going home and changing my MySpace page right now.
--4 train
Overheard by: megwal
Like Where Mommy Stores Her Tension
Four-year-old girl reading tag on the platform: B-A-C-K-F-A-T!
Supportive dad: Yeah, honey! That spells 'back fat'!
--Ft. Hamilton Pkwy station
Overheard by: howardbannister
Or Just Tell You to Burn Things, Like My Voices?
Kid: Hi! My name is Chris.
Employee: Hello.
Kid: What's that on your head?
Employee: It's a headset, so I can hear people talk.
Kid: Do they tell you secrets?
--Dunkin' Donuts
And the Forty?
TSA employee to people in line: All liquids and gels are prohibited beyond this point. Dispose of them now.
Four-year-old boy to father: Aw, man! Does that mean I have to get rid of my pimp juice?
--LaGuardia
Yeah, That's What I'll Miss the Most
Guy #1: He left me yesterday.
Guy #2: What a cock sucker.
--E 2nd St & Gravesend Neck Rd
Lies! I Saw That Baby Photo of You in the Bandana.
College girl #1: So you're saying that if you didn't meet her at such a vulnerable time in your life, you wouldn't be a lesbian?
College girl #2: Right.
--LIRR
Overheard by: kdavs
I've Been Yearning to Test Out My New Guillotine, Anyway
Bag lady #1: Keep movin', lady! You just keep movin'!
Bag lady #2: I don't acquiesce to no Irish! I don't acquiesce to no Irish! I'll cut the police commissioner's neck off! I'll cut his neck off!
--7th Ave, between 23rd & 24th
Overheard by: CKJ
Not with So Many People, Anyway.
Woman #1: I wish he would do me like that more often.
Woman #2: Why?
Woman #1: So I wouldn't have to cheat on him anymore.
--40th & Park
This Must Be That "New York Flair" We've Been Hearing So Much About
Ghetto girl crossing against the light, as cabbie honks: Dat's right! Dat's right! Dat's right! Hit me! I needs the fuckin' money!
Brit tourist, waiting for 'Walk' light: Oh, how charming.
--32nd & 7th
Overheard by: Just Trying to Make My Train
I Don't Think Normal Has Much to Do with That, Dude
College kid: So, your mom still threw you in the bathtub when you were 12 years old?
Unfortunate friend: Yeah. But, I was, like, a hundred pounds back then!
College kid: But dude, like, sponge bath?
Unfortunate friend, incredulously: Yeah! Like all the normal bathtub shit!
--Washington Square Park
Here, Take the Address of This Leather Bar
Queer tourist: What are your favorite places to go?
Local girl: I love the Met.
Queer tourist: What is that?
Local girl: The greatest art museum. It is so amazing.
Queer tourist: So, there's art there?
Local girl: Um, yeah. It's an art museum.
Queer tourist: So, it's all art?
--R train platform, Atlantic Ave, Brooklyn
Isn't the Future Great?
Girl #1: Feminism is about choice. For example, I choose not to be Susie Homemaker and you choose not to be a dominatrix.
Girl #2: That's true.
--6th & 5th, Park Slope
Plus, He's Six Months Old
Girl #1: Would Nick like this?
Girl #2: What, walking here? In this place?
Girl #1: I'm asking.
Girl #2: No way. Nick just wouldn't get this.
Girl #1: How do you mean?
Girl #2: Nick wouldn't get this. For Nick if it doesn't, like, have boobies every 90 seconds, he just switches off.
Girl #1: Right.
--The Met
Overheard by: Cliff
The Movie That Made New York What It Is Today
Man, slamming on hood of taxi inching forward: Hey! I'm walkin' here! [Turns to people behind him] Where's that from?
Lady passerby: Midnight Cowboy!
--50th & Broadway
Bad Things Happen to Tightly-Cinched Fat
Woman in dressing room: Dear God!
Employee: Ma'am, is everything okay?
Woman, bursting from room and throwing corset at employee: Just-- Just take this far away from me!
--Victoria's Secret, Herald Square
No, I Was Wrong. Sorry.
Voice of girl #1 from cell: Can you hear me? Can you hear me? Can you hear me now?
Girl #2, into cell: Well, if you would shut the fuck up, then I could hear you!
--Houston & Broadway
Not As Much As Susan Sarandon Does, Though
Chick #1: Earl Warren was a schmuck.
Chick #2: Yeah, he was.
Chick #1: Plus, he looked like Admiral Ackbar.
--Taxi, West Side Hwy
Overheard by: Rose Fox
Another Inconvenient Truth
Girl #1: Oh my gosh, we should totally go to Olive Garden. It's sooo good.
Girl #2: Honestly... Never say that again.
--Times Square
He Claimed to Have Accidentally Pulled the Voting Lever for Bush
30-ish woman #1: Did you hear what happened to Peter?
30-ish woman #2: Yeah, and I can't believe his father did it!
30-ish woman #1: Yeah, that's much worse than if it was, like, their neighbor!
--15th & Union Square West
Overheard by: Can't believe he did it either!
UN Negotiators Don't Have the Tact They Used To
Vendor to lady haggling in Chinese: We're not Chinese -- we're Vietnamese. Fuck off.
--Canal St
Overheard by: tj
Headline by: Chris
Runners-Up:
· "Don't Make Me Shank You" - Joeritos
· "Even They Can't Tell Each Other Apart." - marko
· "Everyone's a Rittle Bit Lacist" - Mikey G.
· "The Melting Pot Is Full" - Ecc
· "You Say Tǔ Dòu (potato) and I Say Khoai Tây (po-tah-to)" - H2
Click here to see the new Headline Contest
Perhaps It's Time to Stop Breast-Feeding You?
11-year-old boy smiling mischievously: Mom, I've been desiring a lot lately.
Frazzled UES mom: Would you please stop doing that?
--80th & York
Overheard by: Nicole
Her Name's Shannon, I Think?
White teen: Can I get you anything else, sir?
Black man, eating: I don't mean to sound racist, but can I get me some more of that white meat?
--All Souls Soup Kitchen
Overheard by: phia
We're Only Conformist about Keeping Kosher
Blonde: Do you have a first name?
Freakishly tall pale kid: Yes.
Blonde: Do you have a last name?
Freakishly tall pale kid: Yes.
Blonde: Do you have a middle name?
Freakishly tall pale kid: No.
Blonde: Well, I wanna annoy you. What's your conformation name?
Freakishly tall pale kid: I'm Jewish.
Blonde: So?
--21st & 1st
Wednesday One-Liners Don't Mind If You Put Your Hand Up There
Man selling handmade finger puppets: It's the only place you can give someone the finger without being offensive!
--58th & Madison
Overheard by: Suriya
Loud Brit to no one in particular: No matter what happens, I will not be a puppet!
--9th & 4th station
Overheard by: Russ Wall
Skinny, dirty guy: I'm your fuckin' puppeteer, bro. I'll crawl right into your asshole and control your every move.
--Houston
Overheard by: AdHoculi
History grad student: It's a long story. And much better if told with finger puppets.
--Library, Barnard College
Wednesday One-Liners?
Girl: Is it spring that makes the cherry blossoms bloom, or the cherry blossoms that make spring bloom?
--Hunter College cafeteria
Overheard by: Traczie
Tourist chick looking at subway map: Is the Irish pub on here?
--6 train, Grand Central
Overheard by: Dee Phunk
Woman on cell, looking at directions: Numbers go up, right?
--23rd & 6th
Overheard by: V
Tourist girl: Manhattan is an island?! Is it a man-made island?
--N train
Overheard by: Sirius
Chick to friend: What religion is Buddha the king of?
--Central Park
Blonde: Why haven't they just fixed the economy already?
--L train
Overheard by: widdershawns
Wednesday One-Liners Have Great Personalities
Guy smoking with his buddy, disgusted: Do you ever look at yourself in the mirror and go, 'Oh my god, I can't believe someone is attracted to me'?
--44th & 7th
Overheard by: Michelle
Street vendor, as homely Brazilian chicks pass: You are a disgrace to the country of Brazil! Ugly!
--46th & 6th
Man on cell: Eh, she was kinda lizardy-looking...
--14th & Broadway
Overheard by: sean
Smoking street vendor chick to friends: I mean, if you're going to be ugly, at least be articulate.
--N 6th & Bedford
Girl to another: I mean, I think he is attractive, but it took me a while to think that.
--St. Mark's & 3rd
Wednesday One-Liners Would Like Extra Mayo
Black guy: White guys look at women more holistically.
--Q station, Cortelyou Rd
Overheard by: LC
Little boy: Why do white people say, 'Like, like, like, like, like'? Is that the only word in their vocabulary?
--14th & Broadway
18-year-old thug, as doors open: Bye, all you white folk! Buh-bye!
--A train, Howard Beach/JFK stop
Overheard by: Thompson
Thug: Yo, I just watched a white kid get tasered on the news last night, and I was like, 'Yeah, yeah, get him!'
--181st & St. Nicholas
Overheard by: I knew that kid
Three-year-old girl to no one in particular: The white man is everywhere. [Mother looks at her, puzzled. Girl gazes up at crosswalk sign] The white man tells us when to go.
--86th & 2nd
Overheard by: Damn the man!
Wednesday One-Liners Like to Think of It As Borrowing
Young boy to another, whispering: I'm gonna knock you off ,and then I'm gonna steal your M&Ms.
--FAO Schwartz
Overheard by: amused tourist
Cabbie: Something wicked just crossed my mind. One dark night I'm going to come here and steal all the stop signs.
--Roosevelt Island
Overheard by: Suriya
Angry queer suit as a Honda's car alarm goes off: What the fuck?! What the fuck?! Nobody would ever try to steal that piece of shit!
--72nd & Broadway
Overheard by: C. Gray
Thug: Look, these glasses are f'real! I bought them off a nigga who had just stolen them from the jewelry store!
--125th & Broadway
Hipster chick on cell: Why don't you just stay at a real hotel where you can steal all the soaps and stuff?
--2nd St, between Bowery & 2nd Ave
Overheard by: Jake
Little boy to little girl while nanny is distracted: I love outdoor shopping, because it's easier to steal things!
--11th & University
Overheard by: Cooper Cheatham
Wednesday One-Liners Leave a Little Something Behind
Teacher: Little known fact -- you can still get crabs even if you wear a condom. Those suckers just jump from one person to the next, and then you have to go to the doctor and say, 'Yes, I'm a dirty human being.'
--Bronx Science
Woman with wine glass on cell: Your sister is about to fuck my ex-husband and FYI -- he has herpes.
--Outside the Hudson Hotel
Yuppie to chick: You look like you have herpes, but I'd sleep with you anyways.
--51st & 9th
Overheard by: A. Bystander
Chick on cell: Dude, like when Princeton claimed everything was confidential from our parents, but I got a copy of a bill they sent them that said, clearly, 'Chlamydia and gonorrhea test...'
--113th & Broadway
Overheard by: McF.
Chick to friends: That's a story for when you're fucking and you say, 'Hey, you only get AIDS once...'
--10th & Ave B
Wednesday One-Liners Promote Cavities
Big lady: What!? No snow cones? For shame! For shame, motherfucker.
--Bodega, 31st & 2nd
Overheard by: liza
80-ish woman: When has the proof ever been in the pudding?!
--N train
Mom to kid: What do you want? No candy, so don't even look down there. Do you want a doughnut?
--Fire Island Ferry Terminal
Girl to frat boy: Uh, yeah, I just wanted to let you know what happened last night. You squirted maple syrup into my eye and my contact fell out! I had to walk home with one eye and syrup in the other!
--Union Square
Overheard by: BSBJ
White boy eating pocky: Now, the most important rule of pocky is this -- do not let Asian kids know that you have pocky, because they will rape you for it, and then you will not have anymore pocky.
--Stuyvesant High
Ghetto girl: Tameesha! What? Ain't nothin' organic 'bout no fudge!
--The Met Market, 2nd Ave
Overheard by: Unrelenting Monkey
Wednesday One-Liners Sharpen Their Shanks
Thugette on cell: Yeah, I'm planning on getting arrested this weekend. That's my new thing now. Instead of going to the club and shit, I'm just going to get arrested.
--34th & 8th
Overheard by: Clitoris Rex
Metrosexual: Oh my god! Did you hear that Paris Hilton just escaped from prison?
--Broadway & Prince
Mom eating fried chicken: I always thought Penn Station stop was named after a penitentiary...
--A train
Overheard by: Denning
Mocking cop to dude he just arrested: You've got jail!
--West Village
Wednesday One-Liners Got Soul
Hobo with shopping cart, singing: Every day I pick my nose! Every day I pick my nose! Every day I pick my nose! I pick my big, goddamn nose!
--W 4th & Barrow
Overheard by: David M Pasteelnick
Cop singing into loudspeaker of police van flashing its lights: Kumbaya, my Lord! Kumbaya! Oooh, Lord, kumbaya!
--23rd & 2nd
Overheard by: Gus
Crazy hobo, singing: I want a hedge fund, Lord, kumbaya. I want a hedge fund, Lord, kumbaya. I want a hedge fund, Lord, kumbaya. Everybody! [Crowd stares.] Oh, Lord, kumbaya!
--11th Ave, between 51st & 52nd
Overheard by: Amused Tourist
Small boy and girl singing: Jesus! Jeeesus! Jesus in the morning, Jesus in the evening... Jeeesuuusss...
--Wendy's, Bayside, Queens
Overheard by: smh
Two old black ladies, singing: New York City condoms, New York City condoms! Protect yourself in somebody else. [Clap once, then] New York City condoms!
--Union Square
Overheard by: Gemma