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And She Was Naked
College guy #1: Remember that time in high school when we brought up all your dad's old guns from the basement?
College guy #2: Yeah, man, that was so funny.
College guy #1: I know, we all thought that was hysterical. Except for Emily. She totally flipped out. I mean, it wasn't like we had actually loaded the guns.
College guy #2: Yeah, but then again, she had been held up at gunpoint before, so I guess that's why.
--115th & Broadway
A Necessary Condition for Entering Adult Life
Student, indicating lab equipment: Is this broken?
Russian professor: No. Nothing is broken, except my heart.
--Physics lab, City College of New York
Overheard by: Yehuda
Heaven Looks Just Like Hell, Except People Take Care of Each Other
Crazy lady: You know what, Eric? All of our friends? Fuck them. She wants to commit suicide, she wants the universe to explode -- it's fucked up. That's why me and Baby are going to go get something to eat. You should come.
Crazy man #1, Eric: No, I can't come. I don't really feel like being outside. Last time all I wanted when I went outside was some milk and oranges, and I couldn't find them anywhere.
Crazy man #2, Baby: Oh, then don't worry. When we come back, we'll find you oranges and milk on the way and bring them to you.
Crazy lady: Mama's gonna bring you back a good orange. A Sunkist orange. You know what else Mama's gonna do? Bring you some good milk. Milk and oranges for my Eric.
--Staten Island Ferry
Or Columbia. Whichever.
Ghetto chick #1: When I have kids I'm going to beat them.
Ghetto chick #2: Yeah, my mama and daddy beat me, and it showed me right.
Ghetto chick #1: Me, too. I came out fine.
Ghetto chick #2: You know what happens when you don't beat your kids? Columbine.
--Pace University, Spruce St
Overheard by: cleybold
The Ancients Were All Pretty Much Interchangeable
Girl #1: You never told me that. I didn't agree to any of that!
Girl #2: I know! I'm like... Who's the chick who started the Trojan War? You know, with the big horses?
Girl #1: Cleopatra?
Girl #2: I'm like fuckin' Cleopatra!
--NYU
Overheard by: PK
Do I Have to Stick My Tongue in His Secretary's Mouth, Too?
Mom: If you don't behave, you're not going to get any milk. Oh, no, you're going to get soy milk.
Screaming child: Nooo!
Mom: Yes. Soy milk. Just like when daddy was a vegan. And we don't want that, now do we?
--1 train, near Columbia
I Was Like, "I'm Telling Mom!"
Girl #1: So, did I tell you that he called me his girlfriend?
Girl #2: Oh my god.
Girl #1: Yeah, it was like this Freudian slip thing, I'm pretty sure.
--W 4th St
Overheard by: Peter H
Lolly Launches Scuds at the Slightest Provocation
13-year-old WASP girl #1: Hey.
13-year-old WASP girl #2: You're a fucking bitch. I hope you burn in hell.
--85th & 1st
Overheard by: Rob
The Rats Commute Home to Jersey
Southern woman pointing at rat on tracks: Look, it's going to get run over! I've never seen a rat on the tracks before! [Pointing at holes in the track wall] Look, they made homes for the rats!
Local guy: Those are for ventilation.
--14th St station
Overheard by: Jennifer
Can't We Just Walk in Angry Silence Like a Straight Couple?
Queer #1: Do you love me?
Queer #2, holding his hand: No.
Queer #1: Then why are you holding my hand?
Queer #2: 'Cause that's what we're supposed to do in public!
--The Village
Dude, Even the Bible Is Just a Book
Surly man: God, it's just a book!
Man sprinting by, defiantly: No, it's not!
--17th & Union Square West
God, Are You High-Maintenance, or What?
Drunk chick #1, as train approaches: Oh, no, here it comes! Quick, put on your sober face! [Drunk chick #2 stands up straight, takes a deep breath, and vomits all over the platform.] It's okay, you look fine. Just don't fall asleep on the train again.
--1 train
An Asian Would've Slid In, Ninja Style
Ghetto girl #1, as lady tourist outside knocks on door: Why that woman knockin' on the door?
Ghetto girl #2: 'Cause she white.
--D train
Is a Beak a Nose?
Hipster, looking at menu: Chicken fingers?
Corporate fashionista: Great! Even though I'm a vegetarian.
Hipster: Then why did you say 'great'?
Corporate fashionista: I'll eat some.
Hipster: ... Then how are you a vegetarian?
Corporate fashionista: I just try not to eat anything with a face.
--Sidewalk Cafe, 6th & Ave A
So They Could Fail Her?
Male lawyer #1: I need to get laid. All these cases, I don't even have time to masturbate!
Male lawyer #2: No time to masturbate? That's harsh.
Male lawyer #1: It's sad -- all I can think of is sex, and I hate that stereotype about male lawyers, that we're all some sort of horn dogs. [Pauses and sees female lawyer] God, I wanna fuck her.
Male lawyer #2: Dude, everyone does. All the guys wish her pussy was the bar exam.
--Bronx Small Claims Court
Overheard by: Tydestra
Editor: Piss, Shit and Dick -- This Quote's Got Everything!
Dude #1: The doctor said that I should stop finding blood in my piss within the next week if I keep taking this shit he prescribed.
Dude #2: That's cool. Did you get to show him the tattoo on your dick?
Dude #1: Nah... I told him about it, though.
--6 train
With More Sodomy, or Less?
Student #1: It's crazy to think the pope was part of the Hitler youth.
Student #2: Not really -- the Hitler youth was like the YMCA of Germany.
--Van crossing GW Bridge
What's the World Coming to When a Lady Can't Even Have Crab-Filled Transactional Sex?
Prostitute #1, about gay men leaving bar: Oh, girl, don't even waste yo' time. Those two are gay.
Prostitute #2: Goddammit! This neighborhood's gettin' so fucked up! I can't even do my job no more!
--46th & 9th
Overheard by: Dan
You Are the Worst Jewish Vegetarian Ever
Hippie: Dude, I found this place that makes the best veggie burger ever!
Friend: Cool... So, they'll put bacon on mine, right?
--Penn Station
Overheard by: Megan
You Don't Even Know What You're Upset About
Man #1: Why do you read that crap? Ads for hookers, transvestites! What did you pay for that?!
Woman, reading The Village Voice: It's free.
Man #2: The hookers aren't free.
--2 train
Overheard by: West Sider
Should I Not Add That It's for My Husband's Infantalism Fetish?
Woman: Oh, I gotta defrost my breast milk!
Lady friend: There's something everyone doesn't want to overhear...
--80th & West End
Overheard by: Nikki... so did not want to overhear that
Isn't "Creepy Clown" Redundant?
Creepy clown outside Harry Potter party: Hey! Are you kids here for Harry Potter?
Group of super-excited kids: Yeah!
Creepy clown: I really hate that guy!
--Barnes & Noble, Staten Island
What Do You Think You're Eating?
Customer: Hey, I think you have a roach over there.
Waiter: Yeah, there are rats, too.
--Ave A
If Such a Thing Exists
Tourist #1, looking at Papaya Dog: What is that? A hot dog made of fruit?
Tourist #2, looking around, embarrassed: Can someone take him off my hands? No, we'll take you somewhere and get you a hot dog that's really made of meat.
--W 4th & Broadway
Overheard by: emilyc
That's Sweet. Now How's the Food?
Waiter: How is everything? Is the food okay?
Guy, staring at him: It's absolutely gorgeous.
--Ethiopian restaurant, Houston St
But Sir, Where Might Such a Thing Be Found?
Sketchy black guy: Awww, now that's a cute couple right there!
Boyfriend: Thanks.
Sketchy black guy: Now all y'all need is some weed!
--Washington Square Park
Nothing As Scary As a World Leader Who Won't Listen
Child when Ahmedinejad was in town: Mommy, is the bad man here yet?
Mom: He is, and we should all be very scared.
--Columbia University, 113th & Broadway
Overheard by: Tadi
God Sentenced Him to Eternity in the Dr. Phil House
Black guy: So, are we going to fuck tonight, or what?
White girl: I can't, I have my period.
Black guy: Your mouth isn't bleeding, is it?
White girl, giggling: Okay, fine.
--F train
Overheard by: Carrie
Every Lifetime Movie, in a Nutshell
Girl: Get the fuck outta here! I'll fucking kill you!
Guy: So, I was thinking about...
Girl: I just threatened your life and you have nothing to say?!
Guy, shrugging: I love you.
--Park Ave
Overheard by: LiveNY
Bet I Know How She Maintains It
Guy #1: Did you see that chick who was throwing up?
Guy #2: No.
Guy #1: She had a pretty nice body.
--Metro-North
Charlie Sheen, Is That You?
Bag lady: Excuse me, everyone-- if you could be generous enough to make a donation... My husband got sick and is out of work, and I'm trying to raise some money for us to eat. He's staying over at the shelter right now.
Dude: Stand by your man. My wife left me to fuck rich guys when I was down on my luck.
--L train
I'm Not about to Spring for Knitting Needles
Girl #1, picking up coat hanger from sidewalk: Check this out!
Girl #2: Why do you need a coat hanger?
Girl #1: In case I get pregnant later.
--Ludlow & Houston
Overheard by: Hazel
Because If Not, Have I Got a Dating Service for You!
First grader: My aunt is a lesbian... Both of them.
Tour guide: Are they happy?
First grader: Yes! Yes! Are you a happy lesbian?
--Cloisters Museum, Fort Tryon Park
Overheard by: angry-lettuce
Jesus Never Was Popular at Temple
Little boy, in silent temple: Hey, Jews! [Five minutes later] Oh, man, I just farted!
--Queens
Overheard by: Mo and Mell
Headline by: haz
Runners-Up:
· "And Moses Said to the Israelities: Pull My Finger" - Luddite
· "Little Hitler's First Attempt at Gassing Jews...." - Allison Brown-Hancock
· "The Day the Jews Told Jesus to Make His Own Religion" - Alice
· "Would a Gas Chamber Joke Be Over the Line?" - wilkeson
Click here to see the new Headline Contest
Geez, Is That How It's Supposed to Go?
Drunk old guy: That's a very nice dress... You're a very beautiful woman. If I were thirty years younger, I--
Woman: --Would wear this dress?
--A train
Overheard by: Kirk
Better Hundreds Dead Than Myself Inconvenienced
Hispanic guy: Can you believe they shut down the train station 'cause one guy got sick.
Old black guy: Fuckin' selfish-ass people, man. Selfish.
Young woman: He was having a seizure.
Old black guy: Well, I would've dragged him out or something.
White guy: I can't believe this is happening to me on my first day out of jail.
--116th & Broadway bus stop
Overheard by: Kendall
Judging from the Hammer and Sickle She Drew in My Mashed Potatoes
Middle-aged woman #1: Our waitress is so nice.
Middle-aged woman #2: A bit stern, though -- very serious.
Middle-aged Jewish man: Must be from the Soviet Union.
--Diner, Queens
Wednesday One-Liners Think You Haven't Heard the One about the United Negro Pizza Fund
Hobo: Ladies and gentlemen, I have an announcement to make: Mayor Bloomberg is a pol pot, I have accepted Jesus Christ as my personal savior, and I am trying to get some money for a snack wrap. Your kindness is appreciated.
--4 train
Overheard by: Scotty H.
Hobo: Ladies and gentlemen, I have walked many, many miles, and I have sucked many, many dicks, but I... [doors close].
--E train, W 4th
Hobo rattling coin can as WASP lady passes: Mrs. Rockefeller, pay yo' bills!
--79th & Lex
Overheard by: Clook
Hobo to another: So, I hear you're an international spy now.
--Washington Square Park
Overheard by: tj
Wheelbo: Can somebody give me some money so I can buy a Rolex? Please hurry. I want to know what time it is.
--80th & Broadway
Wednesday One-Liners Miss Their Trans Fats
Mom to kids: What do you want for dinner? Burger King or Dunkin' Donuts?
--42nd St & Queens Blvd
Overheard by: court
Lady to friend: Did you want to go here or Kentucky Fried Chicken? Yeah, lets go to KFC. The chicken here looks like it was soaked in grease. I want fried chicken.
--Yips, 18 Beaver St
Subway performer: Can you guys help me out? I take pennies, I take hundreds, I take business cards... Hell, I take white people's shoes and socks! [To random passenger] Awww, shit, girl -- I take phone numbers, too! ... You like White Castle? Daaamn.
--Downtown 4/5 Train
Overheard by: Bemused Spectator
Girly man: So I'm like, 'I'm at Tace Bell, and I don't know if I should order the quesadilla or a taco,' and she's like, 'Is this an emergency?' and I'm like, 'No, but I paid for this service...'
--Bank of America
Sex ad space salesman to client on phone: Yeah the [Village] Voice is the McDonald's of sex ads.
--Classified office, New York Observer
Overheard by: Seanzi
Wednesday One-Liners Got Mad Relationship Skills
Man on cell: If the girl does not say no, or does not back away, or does not seem to be pulling away... then that means she really likes you.
--Union Square
Dude: I'm needy and you do stuff for me. That's how our relationship works.
--2nd Ave. & St. Mark's Place
Girl on cell: Yeah, yeah, she's definitely your type. She's definitely your type... Yup, she's bow-legged and pigeon-toed...
--16th & 6th
Boyfriend: Listen, you're dissatisfied with me, and I'm dissatisfied with me. We have something in common! I think this relationship can work.
--32nd & 6th
Girlfriend: I wish you were asexual, except when it comes to me. That way you would only want to have sex with me. [Boyfriend stares.] Actually, I don't wish that. I wish you'd like girls, but you'd find me so attractive that every time you'd even look at another girl, you'd find her ugly compared to me.
--36th & 3rd
Overheard by: Eryn
NYU freshman girl: I have a boyfriend -- I don't need a social life.
--Starbucks
Wednesday One-Liners Pass on Their Wisdom
Old man to two-year old: Man, talking to you is like fucking talking to a brick wall.
--F train
Overheard by: trieze
Old man in power wheelchair: Move, motherfuckers, unless you want some rubber up yo' ass.
--Union Square
Overheard by: Deniz G
Old guy: In the Boy Scouts they tell you to pray and... put your testicles on ice.
--W 58th & 9th Ave
Overheard by: Jon A.
Old lady: You turn around and say 'Excuse me' or I'll punch your fucking face in!
--42nd St and 5th Ave
Old man: ... And all these bikes keep running red lights. I just wish I had a big stick -- I would shove it through their spokes!
--2nd Ave station
Old bitter woman to husband: I don't understand sex.
--72nd & 2nd
Overheard by: imsorry
Wednesday One-Liners Will Use a Condom Next Time
Father to three-year-old son: The ruler of the universe says to stop chattering.
--7th Ave, Park Slope
Scolding mother to little son as she yanks him along: You tryin' to be hip? You tryin' to be a hipster? Is that how they do it?
--Prospect Park
Mom to infant who keeps dropping his toy: Okay, let's try this -- how 'bout I throw you on the ground?!
--13th & 5th
Mother to chatty child: Don't you have your pacifier? So pacify!
--Kingsborough Community College, Brooklyn
Child-free woman to stranger's crying baby: Oh, wait, things get much worse.
--Throggs Neck, Bronx
Overheard by: Jeri
Wednesday One-Liners Are Enough to Gag a Maggot
Nurse to hobo next to her: Aw, hell no! You fucking stink! [She pulls out a can of air freshener and hoses him down.]
--A train
Asian kid to another: It's hard and watery, and if my pockets reek of ass, I'ma kill you!
--D train, Brooklyn
Overheard by: sitting behind them
Little boy: Now I know why it smells like urine everywhere!
--Central Park
Man: It smells like an STD in here.
--E train
Irish lad: A man's baseball cap should always stink a wee bit.
--U-Haul rental place, Broadway
Overheard by: Kerry
Only Wednesday One-Liners Get to Use the N-Word
Black woman to tanning salon flyer guy soliciting her: Nigga, you be blind!
--W 4th St & 6th Ave
White woman on cell: I cannot meet you there -- that's a black neighborhood. [Looks around. to find that everyone else in line is black, and pharmacist is black.] Oops.
--Duane Reade
Little girl pointing at black receptionist: Pocahontas!
--Dermatologist, UES
Overheard by: Kate
Black suit: Oh, I'm the only black man in America who watches Felicity?!
--Washington Square Park
Black queer on cell: I believe she set black people back 20 years by rhyming 'Lexington' with 'Nextel.'
--Fort Tryon Park
Overheard by: Pies
Sports editor: We need more magical black men.
--Columbia Spectator office
Overheard by: Kavitha
Jesus Was a Wednesday One-Liner!
Shiksa: No, I'm not Jewish. I just have a blood disease.
--Union Square
Overheard by: Natalie
Worker: So. if you go on the first floor, it has all the information on Jewish heritage. The second floor is mainly about the Holocaust and the Nazis and why we hate them. And the third floor is just about Jewish life today.
--Museum of Jewish Heritage
Chick: Jews and gypsies are totally the same thing...
--9th & 2nd
Overheard by: lezbotron
Teen girl: I mean, I may have no morals, but I will not fuck a Jew on Yom Kippur.
--Union Square
Nine-year-old boy: George Bush likes the Jews. That's why only Jews are allowed to hitchhike.
--Main St
Wednesday Takes It Up the One-Liner
Rotund black woman, to no one in particular: I like a hood nigga,. I like a nigga to dick me in the butt while I'm smoking a blunt.
--West Village
Loud Jamaican man yelling to friend: When I stick my penis up your butt, there ain't no turnin' back! You're gonna have hemorrhoids!
--25th & 7th
Overheard by: Becka
Dude: ... And then she wouldn't even shake my hand. I mean, I've had my dick in your ass, and you won't even shake my hand? What kind of shit is that?
--F train
Tween to friends: I told him, 'If it don't fit in my mouth, it won't fit in my butt.'
--Bx9 bus, Kingsbridge Terrace
Overheard by: Krisztina
Angry student: He fucked me in the ass, okay? In the ass!
--NYU
I See London, I See France, I See Wednesday's One-Liners!
Blonde: So, I woke up and Jessica's underwear was still on my head...
--P.S. 1, Queens
Drunk dude on cell: I want to take the blue panties you left at my place and wear them on my face! ... I said I want to wear your blue panties on my face!
--Gra