And the Nightmare

Turkish man: Miss, you are so lovely. Can I buy you a drink?
Girl: Uh, sure.
Turkish man: You are so beautiful, I would suck on your father's dick just to taste where you came from.
Girl: Uh... Thanks for the drink [leaves].

--Crash Mansion, 199 Bowery

Overheard by: The Riddler

Really More of a Coat Hanger

Fashion suit: Please, help yourself to some breakfast.
Fashion editor-type: No, thanks, I'm not really a food-person.

--Fashion event, Midtown

Many New Yorkers Are So Rude They're Not Allowed to Travel

Tourist dad with family, bumping into another tourist family: Excuse us! Thank you!
Other family's tourist dad: Ugh! Rude New Yorkers!
Nearby cop, to both: You do realize you're both tourists, right?

--48th & 5th

Overheard by: dan.j.w.

For Those Who Think AIDS Education Is Working

Lady to friend about Magic Johnson AIDS ad: Look at Magic Johnson. Why's he always look so happy? He's got AIDS!
Friend: He don't got AIDS anymore -- that's why he's happy.

--125th & 5th

Overheard by: tiffanykapri

That's Okay -- She Didn't Mean It

Girl: I'm so glad you're moving in with us.
Queer: Me, too. I was talking to my roommate the other day -- the one I hate -- and she was like, 'I feel like once you move out I'll never see you and we won't hang out anymore.' And I was just thinking, 'Bitch, when I move out, you're coming off my MySpace! You was just a pity add!'

--Central Park

Let's Not Introduce the Spouses, Okay?

50-year-old man: God, I haven't see you since we were, what, 21?
50-year-old woman: What was it, 1980? Somewhere around there?
50-year-old man: Remember that Frank Zappa concert we went to at Stonybrook in 1978?
50-year-old woman: Yeah, and who got you those front row seats, motherfucker? Me! I stood on line for 24 hours so I could be the first in line for tickets.
50-year-old man: Remember he pulled you up on stage to sing with him?
50-year-old woman: Sure!
50-year-old man: Well, I have a recording of that. I had a little tape recorder in my pocket and I taped the whole show.
50-year-old woman: You're gonna make a copy of that tape, aren't you? I gave you your very first blowjob, remember?
50-year-old man: Believe me, I remember it in every exquisite detail. Yeah, that's worth a copy of a tape.

--Sardi's

Overheard by: Big Larry

Hobo: I'm Not Really Urinating on Your Foot

Hobo: Do you have a cigarette?
Girl smoking cigarette: This isn't a cigarette.
Hobo: Oh. [Walks away.]

--Park Row & Beekman

That, and the Pool Boy

Little girl: Mommy used to give me booby, but now she gives the baby booby.
Uncle: That's what mommies do.

--Staten Island Ferry

Overheard by: greenwood

I Want to Be Invited to Your Parties

Girl: What was with that shower?
Guy: What do you mean? When she was killed?
Girl: Yeah... It really freaked me out.
Guy: Why's that?
Girl: Well... She got killed, duh... I mean, who showers alone?!

--Movie theater

No! Wait, Now I Have to Start Over.

Rambling six-year-old: ... And when she came home, there was a body, and blood was everywhere 'cause he didn't clean up after he murdered someone, and that's when she realized--
Bored mom playing with cell: --That her husband was a slob?

--2 train

Overheard by: Good thing I'm neat

It Would Build Goodwill and Better Friendships

Girl: It's not that I'm such a slut--
Guy, interrupting: --But I would be happy for you if you were.
Girl: You'd be happy for me if I were a slut?
Guy: Yes.
Girl: Me, too.

--27th & 3rd

Thank God We Go to Cornell

Passerby #1: I hate this fucking college they got over here.
Passerby #2: Yeah, books and shit.

--115th & Broadway

Another Round of "Two Truths and a Lie"

Young hipster #1: So, there's this really smart kid in the tenth grade, and he wrote an extra chapter to Slaughterhouse Five, and Kurt Vonnegut is going to publish it!
Young hipster #2: Nice, man.

--Academy Records

Overheard by: x-tina

Why You Gotta Remain That Way All Your Life?

Afro: Shit, nigga, you never heard of Serendipity's?
Cornrows: Nah.
Afro: It's a motherfucking ice cream parlor.
Cornrows: Like what? Häagen-Dazs?
Afro: Nah, they charge you up the ass and you're surrounded by white people.
Cornrows: Like Häagen-Dazs?
Afro: Nah, it's classy. Fool, don't you know anything about class?
Cornrows: So it's like Häagen-Dazs.
Afro: Damn, you ignorant.

--84th & Amsterdam

But I'm the Manager

Middle-aged Mets fan: Every time I come to Shea, the Mets don't play very well.
Buddy: Yeah. Don't come no more.

--Shea Stadium

NewsFlash: Woman Buying Rolling Paper Has Memory Loss. Film at 11.

Lady buying cigarette paper: When did the price go up to $1.25?!
Cashier: Three months ago... And you've asked me every day since.

--Blue Diner Deli, 92nd & 1st

Overheard by: Karen Bernstein

McDonald's? Are You Trying to Kill Me?

Barefoot hobo grabbing tourist by shoulders: Gimme your shoes, nigga!
Blonde tourist #1: Take my McDonald's! Don't rape me!
Blonde tourist #2: Rape her! She's prettier than me!

--15th & 5th, Brooklyn

Overheard by: Julieee

Sensitivity: Ten; Entertainment: Three (No Tits and Ass)

Woman #1: We saw Chorus Line.
Woman #2: Oh, I've seen that. It's really sexist.
Woman #1: No, they re-did it. It's not really sexist anymore.
Woman #2: Oh, really?
Woman #1: Yeah, now it's just boring.

--Starbucks

You Didn't Have to Demonstrate It While Talking

Old male lawyer: You can't just call the client and say, 'Hello, you don't know me, but I'm about to try your case.'
Young female associate: Why not? We're in the same firm.
Old male lawyer: Let me try to explain this in terms that might make an impression on you. Imagine if you went to your gynecologist who you've been using for a long time, and while you're lying there in the stirrups his new associate who you've never met walks in and sticks his fingers into you.
Young female associate, wide-eyed: I see what you mean.

--Civil Court, Jamaica

Overheard by: Big Larry

It Makes Cappucino and Houses a Family of Five

UES trophy wife #1, in black dress: ... And the dress was only twenty-six hundred dollars!
UES trophy wife #2: Wow, that's fabulous!

--David Burke & Donatella Restaurant

The Case for Forced Sterilization

Teen girl #1: I mean, anything is possible.
Teen boy: So, you mean I could punch somebody's head off?
Teen girl #2: I don't think so.
Teen girl #3: Hey, I'm sure it is possible.
Teen girl #1: Yeah, like, you could punch a baby's head off!
Teen boy: I'm not talking about babies.
Teen girl #1: Well, I'm sure you could!
Teen girl #3: Yeah! Totally! 'Cause, like, their heads are so big and their bodies are so small... It'd just be like: Boom! And they don't have a head!

--Gloria Jeans, Staten Island Mall

For All the Wrong Reasons

Woman getting her watch fixed: Are you a Jew?
Watch kiosk guy: Yes.
Woman: Good! Very, very good! Wonderful!
Watch kiosk guy: Yes?
Woman: Yes! Very good! I'm a born-again Christian, and we love the Jews!

--Watch repair kiosk, Port Authority

Overheard by: I just like you cuz you have batteries!

Save That Kind of Bigotry for Your Future State of the Union Address

Seven-year-old: The devil may be Jewish... The devil may be Jewish!
Father: Quiet, please.

--181st & Haven

Overheard by: Ben Moore

The Sky Is Blue. Raisins Are Small. Cheese Smells Nice.

Crusty old man: You aren't wearing makeup, but you don't need it. I know, I'm a photographer.
Young woman holding flowers: Thanks.
Crusty old man: I take a long walk once a week to stay in shape. What are the flowers for?
Young woman: My roommate's birthday.
Crusty old man: My brother's a pediatrician. His birthday is July fourteenth.

--N train

Tim Burton's Back in Town

Frantic woman: Please help me! I need double-stick tape and a whistle!

--K-Mart, 34th St

I Like to Think of My Sex Life As a Christian Charity

Queer: So, I was on a date with this guy, Christian -- like the religion -- the other night, and we had a nice hug and kiss goodbye. Then he went down into the PATH train. Right after he left, my phone started ringing and it said Christian was calling, and I was like, 'What? How's he calling me?' And then I realized it was Cristian, C-R-I-S-T-I-A-N, this other guy I hooked up with a few months ago. So I answered and we ended up hooking up again that night... So, I had two Christians in one night. If this were ancient Rome, I'd be the lion in the Colosseum.

--Posh bar

Overheard by: Melissa Berry

I Wouldn't Mind Giving Her a Shot of Syllogism Myself

Dude #1: Dude, that girl is looking at you like a fat girl looks at cake.
Dude #2: She is a fat girl.
Dude #1: Fine. She is looking at you like you are cake.

--UES

I'll Never Sit Again after All This Anal

Boy #1: When I'm in high school, I'll only be able to get blowjobs standing up!
Boy #2: Rad.

--Starbucks

Overheard by: Joe Coleman

But, Most Importantly, I Bought an IPhone

Guy #1: I haven't seen you in a while. What have you been up to?
Guy #2: Well, I'm in the process of switching web hosts, and it's going to be saving me a few bucks a month. I just need to decide what Linux distribution to use. What about you?
Guy #1: I got married and we had a baby.
Guy #2: That's cool.

--Office, Midtown

Sweetie, Could You Call Your Boyfriend and Ask?

Mom: Do you think they use dildos?
Dad, indicating 20-something daughter: I don't know. Why don't we ask our resident expert?

--116th & Broadway

Overheard by: alxie

I Don't Recall Saying It Was a Problem

Guy #1: Dude I just came from an eight o'clock class!
Guy #2: That's brutal, man...
Guy #1: Nah, my teacher is mad fucking hot! [Whole class turns around.]
Hefty professor: Well, you won't have that problem in this class.

--Silver Building, NYU

Overheard by: Vinny Ku

That Bitter Phlegm? Concentrated Elegance

Columbia girl: I fucking hate people who go to NYU.
Columbia guy: Me, too. They're so, 'Oh, look at me! I'm so artsy and don't shower.'
Columbia girl: Yeah, and they smoke weed and do acid! Coke is so much classier.

--Tom's Restaurant

Overheard by: Liz

I've Tried the Police, but We Keep Getting Disconnected

Diva customer: How do I find out who was answering the phone this morning?!
Salesgirl: Um... It could have been anybody, I'm not sure...
Diva customer: Pshhh.
Salesgirl: I'm sorry. Why did you want to know?
Diva customer: Because this girl I talked to told me that you all had the Erin Skinny Destroyed jeans in the light color, and now y'all don't have them, and I wanna report her!
Salesgirl: Um... Sorry.

--Abercrombie & Fitch, 5th Ave

Wait... a Squirrel?

Drunk guy: You know, in my next life time I want to be either reincarnated into a squirrel or into a tiny Mexican.
Drunk girl: What?! Why a tiny Mexican? Why not a tiny Asian or Caucasian?
Drunk guy: 'Cause tiny Mexicans are awesome! They're always funny, fit into small places, they work their asses off, and I can grow a cool mustache and get away with it! Why wouldn't you want to be a tiny Mexican?!

--53rd & 9th

Overheard by: Javier

Headline by: R. Dilla

Runners-Up:
· "Because I Might Get Sucked Into the Leaf-blower" - bobofthejungle
· "Cause It's Hard to Find Tiny Sombreros for Your Tiny Pepe" - Ninja Donkey
· "Plus I'd Get to Ride the Taco Bell Dog" - bob fredson
· "Plus Immigrating Via UPS Would Cost Less" - Ty
· "Regular-Sized INS Agents?" - nick
· "Yeah, but Guess What Else Is Tiny..." - Katy


Click here to see the new Headline Contest

Especially the Poon

NYU drama queen #1: I mean, we're smearing pollen all over him... It's going to be sticky.
NYU drama queen #2: What are we using for that?
NYU drama queen #1: Corn starch. We were going to use Tang, but that would stain everything...

--E 9th & Ave A

Overheard by: Bailey

Or Maybe I'll Write Books on Tape

Girl: Maybe I should be a writer.
Boy: Maybe you should learn to read.
Girl: Maybe...

--Whole Foods, Union Square

Overheard by: Kelly

They Either Figure It Out or They Starve

Lost tourist: Excuse me, can you tell how to get to 38th Street?
Guy passing out Metro: 38th Street? Sure. Here, take one of these [gives him a copy of Metro]. Now just keep walking that way [points towards Fifth Avenue].
Lost tourist: Hey! Thanks!

--Grand Central

Overheard by: would've lied also

These Wednesday One-Liners Are Brought to You by Birkenstock

Guy to buddy: Dude, we are actually a lesbian couple.

--Penn Station

Overheard by: Sofa

Loud woman on cell: Did you know that Devahndra had a baby? Yeah, a girl. What happened to being a lesbian? Yeah, I guess that one went kinda short.

--Bx16 bus

Overheard by: Lillian

LI man: ... And then the lesbians -- they surrounded me.

--LIRR, Jamaica

Overheard by: wish they had been surrounding ME

Hipster: She thought she was a lesbian, but she was a midget.

--L train

Suit to female companion: Even lesbians have to eat!

--34th St

Overheard by: oh, is that why i'm so hungry?

If You Can't Afford a Wednesday One-Liner, One Will Be Appointed to You

Disillusioned hipster: Jesus Christ, I just don't have fun at shows like this anymore. I can't wait to become a corporate attorney.

--LCD Soundsystem show, Studio B, Greenpoint, Brooklyn

Overheard by: deke shearon

Lady suit: So, they made a bong out of a Super Soaker and some bottles. It was all fancy -- it had a mask and everything. But they do grow up. He's a clerk for a judge now.

--29th & Lex

Overheard by: Adam Nathan

Old man lawyer: I'm not going to give myself away to some slutty little mortgage company!

--Law firm, Midtown

Smoking hoochie on cell: So I said, 'Fuck him. Let him get a public defender. We have things to do this weekend!'

--53rd & 5th

Wednesday One-Liners Get Blood All Over Their Clown Suits

Biotech, indignantly: I didn't have sex when I was 13! I waited 'til I was 14.

--Doma Cafe & Gallery, Perry St

Overheard by: Kate

Hairstylist, joking with customer in chair: Yeah, I mean, prepubescent and androgynous was so last season. [Thinks for a moment, then] Actually, it really was.

--Soho

Overheard by: Sooo not last year

Hot chick shouting across intersection to friend: ... And stop sleeping with underage boys!

--55th & Madison

Young father to twin toddler sons: That pigeon might be a pedophile.

--Outside Museum of Natural History

Overheard by: kritta

Wednesday One-Liners Are from Kentucky

Guy to friend: Nah, man, I can't tomorrow -- I gotta go to Victoria's Secret with my niece.

--1 train

Overheard by: Your Mom

Man: ... And so I says, 'I don't care if you're my sister, you're having the baby.'

--54 W 21st St

Overheard by: NickI

Chick: I think if you're considering dating your cousin, which one you pick is the least of your problems.

--8th & Broadway

Girl on cell: It kinda sucks that you have a crush on your brother.

--Fordham University plaza

Overheard by: It's not incest if he wants it... oh wait...

Chick to friend: I don't care how horny you are, you never fuck your brother!

--56th St

Overheard by: Kerri Anne

Wednesday One-Liners Can't Even Fold Their Maps Properly

Girl: We should spend less money on the war in Iraq and use it to help countries like Africa.

--Principles of Economics lecture, Columbia University

Overheard by: Ed

Receptionist: I?m sorry, Mr. Jones* is out of the country... He went to Florida.

--Hunter College

Overheard by: Effy

Vendor: Welcome to Coney Island!

--Union Square

Irish tourists: Which direction is the lake?

--West Broadway & Canal St

Overheard by: Confused

Woman: Yeah, it's the five bureaus: Manhattan, Harlem, Brooklyn, the Bronx, and Staten Island.

--Metro-North

Overheard by: Amused

Wednesday One-Liners Run This City

Conductor: Attention! You've boarded the ghetto express. Next stop, Deep Ghetto. If you're trying to go to any of the Ghetto Light areas, please transfer at this stop for the Ghetto Local. Thank you!

--5 train, Brooklyn

Overheard by: Silvy

Conductor: This is Fifth Avenue. Transfer here for... Aw, hell, there ain't no transfer here. Get in the damn train.

--E train from JFK, around 5th Ave

Overheard by: ntrprnr

Conductor: Okay everyone, we're going to evacuate the train now. Just stay calm. This isn't the Titanic. I repeat, this is not the Titanic.

--Acela, to NYC

Overheard by: The Titanic was on-time

Conductor: Board the train so the doors can close. [Girls slowly shuffle around doors.] You must physically board the train to ride. The platform does not move.

--LIRR

Overheard by: NCtransplantGirl

Conductor, very politely: Ladies and gentlemen, please stand clear of the closing doors so this train can leave the station. Thank you. [Later, not as politely] Sir, maybe the fact that you have to hold on to the outside of the car to stay inside is a sign that you should wait for the next train!

--Crowded Bronx-bound 6 train

Overheard by: Chris

Conductor: Ladies and gentlemen, I don't really care if we pull up to the station and your car door doesn't open. If you don't listen, I don't really care. Not my problem anymore, folks! I said it once and I ain't saying it again!

--LIRR, Jamaica station

Overheard by: commuter

Conductor: Y'all, these suckahs gon' be on this train for hours!

--1 train

George Orwell's Wednesday-One-Liner Farm

Girl to friend: So I got my horse, things got a little escalated... He got his horse...

--The Cloisters

Overheard by: ninja z

Small child on bike: Suck my butt monkey!

--Central Park

Metrosexual on cell: I can only hope the animal noises are promising for my night.

--Stuyvesant Town

Overheard by: Argopelter

African man to African woman: I told you when you came to this country that you can't touch old people, you can't touch children, and you can't touch animals.

--Central Park, near W 63rd St entrance

Overheard by: birdw0rks

Woman to another: He would go one way and the armadillo would go the other way...

--42nd St, outside Bryant Park

Overheard by: MPW

Sad girl to friend: I'd feel better if I just had lemurs to talk to.

--Washington Square Park

The Wednesday One-Liner Whisperer

Crazy guy to squirrel: Hey, Lamar! Get back here! You can't stay out here, you gonna get hurt!

--Union Square

Overheard by: sweetchuck

Woman to barking dog: Shhh, this is a library!

--Outside Seward Park Library, Chinatown

Horse-drawn carriage-driving hobo, to horse: You faggot child of the Kennedys!

--Columbus Circle

Overheard by: Cracker Chick

Guy to dog: No boyfriends today! You can have boyfriends tomorrow.

--Steinway St, Astoria

Overheard by: MissPinkKate

The Little Wednesday One-Liners T