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Or Aborting Fetuses?
Hobo: Can I ask you a Republican question?
Girl: Yes.
Hobo: Do you like Christmas?
--1 train
Should I Not Be Taking My Social Cues from Kanye West?
College girl: You can't just call me 'bitch' and then everything's okay.
College boy: You sure?
--12th & Broadway
Overheard by: melzie
Someone's Been Listening to the President's Speeches
Little boy: Mom, I want that!
Harried mother: No, we don't have enough money.
Little boy, after a pause: So just make more money!
--3rd Ave, Bay Ridge
Overheard by: Abbieprime
Jesus Is So Hard to Resist
Angry guy in crosswalk: You should get a ticket!
Yielding cyclist, seemingly sincere: I love you!
Angry guy, passing: You should get a ticket!
Cyclist, pedaling off: I love you!
Angry guy, sheepishly: Thank you.
--70th & Amsterdam
Overheard by: Andreas
And What Part Will the Helmet Play in That?
Nerdy hipster to friends: You want nerdy? You know what I did today? I worked on this robot helmet I'm making on my floor. Yep, a robot helmet complete with LED lights -- for my girlfriend. See? That's love right there.
Girlfriend, explaining: I told him we could have butt sex.
Nerdy hipster, emphatically: But not until I finish the helmet!
--L train
... And Was Like, "Why Were You Kissing Your Sister?"
Blue Rangers jersey: Hey, how come you've never brought your girlfriend to a game?
White Rangers jersey: Are you kidding me? Never again. The last time I brought her, the Rangers got their asses kicked and my wife saw her on TV.
--Madison Square Garden
Overheard by: David
And the Cocaine in My Anus Is Starting to Sting
Five-year-old girl: Uncle Joey, we need to move!
30-something uncle: Why? What's the matter?
Five-year-old girl: There's cops over there... We gotta move before you get arrested again... [Whispers] You're still on probation, right?
--139th St, near 40th Precinct, Bronx
Overheard by: What are we teaching our kids?
Wow, That Jumped Ugly Pretty Quick
Creepster: Have you ever had a tampon stuck inside of you?
Chick: Well, once when I was drunk I had my period and stuck another one up.
Creepster: So, did it get stuck?
Chick: No... But I'm not a fucking gaping hole, if that's what you think.
--Brooklyn
Overheard by: Alex Berger
I'm Up to the Level Where You're Only Allowed to Use Toes
20-ish girl: Oh, yeah! That game where you try to make her cum?
20-ish guy: Yeah.
20-ish girl: I played that last night!
--E train
Overheard by: Beth
Do You Have Something Against Cabs of Color?
Queer #1: What's with these flowered cabs?
Queer #2: It's art. Like those damn painted cows Oprah had sex with.
--14th & Ave A
Overheard by: Boheme poet
We're Like the End of Casablanca without the Implied Gay Sex
Guy: I always run into you here! It's like our little date time.
Chick: We're not dating... but sure.
Guy: I know. I was trying to be cute, dammit!
Chick, laughing: I know... And you do a good job of it, but I still hate you.
Guy: I know, but it's the kind of hate that can make this friendship work. [Long pause, then] God, that's really fucked up.
--Union Square
Overheard by: Jesus Jon
"What Kind of a Republican Senator Are You?!" I Bellowed.
Queer #1: Who were you trying to give head to in the photo booth?
Queer #2: Oh, Jason -- you weren't there. He wouldn't go for it, though, so we're not together anymore.
Queer #1: I'm sorry.
Queer #2: ... Really for a multitude of reasons... Refusing to engage in oral sex at a work party was like, well, the last straw.
--1st & 1st
Kinda the Point of a "Two Dicks in Your Face" Party
Queer: Remember last night, when you had two dicks in your face?
Black girl: Everyone last night had two dicks in their faces.
--Gold St & Maiden Ln
Overheard by: wreckingcru
If He Sees Your Dick, the Dress Is the Least of Our Problems
Female punk: I don't give a shit! I'm not wearing a long, white fucking dress at the wedding!
Male punk: But every woman in my family wears that dress!
Female punk: I'm wearing something short and tight, and if the priest doesn't like it, he can suck my dick!
--Union Square
Overheard by: Mateo que Feo
Perfect.
Middle Eastern-looking yuppie: I would root for Al Qaeda before the Red Sox. [Middle Eastern-looking friends quietly express outrage.] Fine, I would root for the Janjaweed before the Red Sox. Is that better?
--Manhattan-bound 4 train leaving Yankee Stadium station
Overheard by: David H
Oh, Sean Preston, We Feel the Same Way
Mom holding cardboard James Dean stand-up: I'm comin' to get you! I'm gonna get you!
Two-year old son, screaming: Nooo! Nooo!
--LaSalle & Broadway
Overheard by: EthanK
Our Editorial Staff Begs to Differ
Cashier: Oh, is corduroy coming back into fashion?
Girl buying a pair of cord pants: Um, I don't know.
Cashier: I don't think it's ever going to come back.
--TJMaxx, 6th Ave
Overheard by: champ
Cover Me, I'm Goin' in
Conductor, angrily: Stand clear of the closing doors!
Passenger: She need to get laid.
--F train
Overheard by: i do too
Let's Just Hope They Don't Write Their Own Vows
Girl: You're so strong and handsome!
Guy: You're so skinny and fuckable.
--East Village
Raising Them Will Do That to You
Black guy with clipboard: Anyone? A minute of your time to save the children! Anyone! 'Scuse me, pretty miss! Excuse me! [Pretty girl ignores him.] Oooh! I'm too flyyy fo' da children. I'm too hot fo' da children. [To old lady] Ma'am, do you wanna save the children?
Old lady: I hate children.
--69th & Columbus
Overheard by: Joey
Where the Only Things Criminal Are the Prices
Tourist lady #1: I don't like it here. It feels illegal.
Tourist lady #2: I know. Let's get back to Times Square.
--Canal & Mercer
Overheard by: garuda
Pop Quiz: How Many Faces Do the Girls Have? Show Your Work.
Skinny girl in dress: Okay, what do you guys think?
Friend #1: Oh my god, it looks so good on you.
Friend #2: I love it!
Skinny girl: Really? I don't know...
Friend #1: Seriously -- you should get it. It looks awesome on you.
Friend #2: If I were you, I'd totally get it.
Skinny girl: Okay... Thanks! I think I will. [Retreats into fitting room.]
Friend #1: God, she is so disgustingly skinny, it sickens me.
Friend #2: I could throw up right now.
--H&M fitting room, Broadway & Spring
Overheard by: lc
What Passes As Gentlemanly in NYC
Girl #1: That show was so good.
Girl #2: I know -- some guy tried to finger me.
Girl #1: What?!
Girl #2: Yeah... He was dancing with his girlfriend and then he turned around and saw me. It was kinda nice...
--Terminal 5
Overheard by: Kelly
How to Tell If Someone's a Republican
Bimbette, about sleeping bag lady: She has a lot of stuff.
Boyfriend: Yeah.
Bimbette: She should get an apartment.
--25th & 3rd
Why Guys Never Talk As Much As You'd Like Them To
Teen girl: That's why I fucking hate guys -- 'cause they all suck cock!
Upset friend: Thank you! This is what I'm talking about!
--33rd & 6th
Overheard by: rory
Um, That's Your Maui Screensaver
Roommate #1: Man, I fucking love this weather.
Roommate #2: Yeah. Have you been outside today?
Roommate #1: No, I'm looking at it on my computer.
--15th & 1st
Overheard by: Joe
But If That's What'll Get Us into the DAR, So Be It
Old lady #1: I hate the back door.
Old lady #2: Me, too.
--Bronx Zoo
It'd Be Like a Subway Car Roaring Through the Tunnel
Blinged-out teen #1: You know, I heard for every ten pounds you lose, you gain an inch on your dick.
Blinged-out teen #2: Damn! Imagine if Ricky lost weight!
--1 train
The Lawyer? Not So Much.
Cop #1, to hobo: You don't have a home, but you have a lawyer.
Cop #2: That's fantastic!
--29th & Lex
Actually, Just Its Lower Third
Asian guy: Are you going to show me a naked fat woman? Because I'm really not in the mood right now...
Hot blonde: No, just her stomach...
--Times Square
Overheard by: cat
Unless You've Got a Fucking Fairy Godmother
Girl: But the other guy was supposed to get me those shoes. Why can't you get them for me?
Shoe dude: Ma'am, no one will ever get you those shoes.
--Shoemania, Union Square
Overheard by: moodle
So He Gets All the Girls
Guy #1: So, how's your gay roommate?
Guy #2: Ehhh... He's still gay.
--1st & 1st
Overheard by: Jack Melody
But That Was Gonna Be My Opener
Brunette: I usually sit in front of him, but he got to class late the day we had the midterm and the only seat left was in front of me... And then I didn't know how to do any of the problems, so I just stared at him and daydreamed about playing with his balls and batting my eyelashes while giving him a blowjob.
Blonde: I strongly advise against mentioning that if you ever actually speak to him.
--Salon V, East Village
Overheard by: raconteuse
When Jesus Met Mary Magdalene
Chick: I just don't really like running through the Hasidic neighborhoods in my sports bra...
Guy: Uh-huh.
Chick: It makes me feel uncomfortable.
Guy: Yeah.
Chick: So I don't think I'm going to do that anymore.
--Bogart & Moore St, Bushwick
Overheard by: Erin
Headline by: TWWS
Runners-Up:
· "But I'm Still Wearing My Swastika Thong." - Craig should be working
· "Do I, Uh, Know You?" - clash
· "I Didn't Hear Anything but 'bra'" - 6th Floor Blogger
· "I'll Try Yarmulke Pasties Instead" - Katie
· "Too Many Guys Trying to Challah at Me" - Rottin' in Denmark
· "Topless It Is" - Sean McGurr
Click here to see the new Headline Contest
And You Should Be Able to Understand Why I Bit Down
Guy: It's just that, well, fucking you didn't live up to my fantasy of fucking you.
Girl, after long pause: Yeah, I guess I can understand that...
--Washington Square Park
Overheard by: Devin
Except to School and Church, of Course
Girl #1: There's something wrong with my tail bone...
Girl #2: Yeah?
Girl #1: Yeah, actually -- there's a scrape on it.
Girl #2: Um, really?
Girl #1: Yeah, and I really can't figure out how it happened! I've been wearing pants everywhere I go...
--Prospect Park
Who Will I Copy Off Of?
Drunk teen: Kill me, please.
Sober teen: No, you have the SATs next month.
--Stuyvesant High
Wednesday Two-Timers
Guy to buddy: It's not cheating if it's underground.
--Prince & Elizabeth
Overheard by: emilia
Man on cell: Yes, darling... I miss you, too... Can't wait to wrap myself around you again... You are so hot... Oooh, yeah, you make me crazy... Hold on a sec, I've got a call coming in [looks at phone]... Shit! It's my wife. Lemme call ya right back.
--JetBlue terminal, JFK
Overheard by: Big Larry
Crazy guy to train: Does anyone know how I can convince my wife that I won't cheat on her?
--F train
Overheard by: tko
20-something on cell: I genuinely think we'd be a good match, except for the whole being married and cheating on his wife thing.
--49th & Rockefeller Plaza
Hispanic girl: You should send him a card that says, 'Congratulations on marrying the girl you cheated on and dumped for me and then got back together when I dumped yo' cheatin' ass for someone way better.'
--6 train
Uh-Oh, Wednesday One-Liners Are Staining
Queer to friend: Tomorrow is flow day! That's when you have to wear a pad and a tampon!
--W 3rd, between 1st & 2nd
Overheard by: good golly
20-something girl: They didn't have tampons, so I got Smirnoff Ice.
--Lincoln Place & Bedford Ave
Overheard by: That's gotta hurt
Hot chick on cell: I'm off! Wish me and my menstrual cup luck!
--113th & Broadway
Overheard by: Ladle
Woman: That would be a really awful super-power to have ?- the ability to make a woman menstruate whenever you fuck her.
--Stuyvesant Town
Overheard by: Argopelter
Wednesday One-Liners Can't Believe the Filth and the Prices
NY-er, as visitor friend hesitates at crosswalk: It is so touristy to be afraid of getting hit by cars.
--34th & Broadway
Father to young son: The species tourist vulgaris is identified by the fanny pack and the new white sneakers.
--45th & Broadway
Overheard by: poomer
Woman with southern twang: The only good thing about living in this shithole is at least no one thinks I'm a tourist anymore.
--Woodhaven & Jamaica
Chick seeing group of Japanese tourists with cameras and "I <3 NY" shirts: Stereotype!
--Washington Square Park
Overheard by: lezbotron
Wednesday One-Liners Give Those Quirky Conductors a Run for Their Money
Bus driver: Next stop, McDonald's! You know the song! Old MacDonald had a farm, and on the farm he had a metro card...
--B61 bus, Manhattan Ave, Greenpoint
Overheard by: miss mess
Bus driver: This bus will be making stops in Carlstadt, Moonachie, Little Ferry, Teterboro, Lodi, Garfield, Elmwood Park, and finally, thank God, in Paterson. Take all your belongings with you when you get off the bus, and remember, it is only a bus ride. You can do it.
--42nd & 8th
Bus driver: Okay, people, there are a few foreign words to make people move. They are 'Excuse me, please' -- let's all try saying that. Then, when they do move, say, 'Thank you.' Give it a try today... Welcome aboard the Q88 bus on this lovely Wednesday morning. I hope all the kids on this bus did their homework, or made up homework this weekend. Remember, get good grades -- A's on your report cards -- and pass the Regents and you will have a very good life. If you don't want to hear this conversation again tomorrow, catch a different bus on your way to school or work.
--Q88 bus
Overheard by: Jenn
Bus driver: Tired of the same old bus stop? Try Madison Avenue -- it's up next!
--M79 bus
Overheard by: Yorkie
The Breastesses of Wednesday One-Liners
Puerto Rican mom to son eating sour candies: You best not be gettin' that sugar all over my titties, nigga!
--4 train to Yankee Stadium
Overheard by: Carly
Hipster girl: So, he asked if he could touch my boob, but I told him I already had someone.
--Studio B
Overheard by: Trosster
Man: You fucking impostor! Impostor! Men have chests, not titties, bitch!
--Lincoln Place, Prospect Heights, Brooklyn
Overheard by: Audrey
Woman: Okay, should we start a Facebook group for people with great cleavage? Or is that déclassé?
--Bedford & 7th, Williamsburg
Overheard by: Ladle
French woman to friend: You can't have breasts in New York.
--Elevator, Magazine publishing company
Wednesday One-Liners: For All Your 2000 Parts
Middle-aged man: If I wanted to gouge his eyes out, I'd have his eyes in my pocket right now.
--11th & 5th
Overheard by: Max
Fat teen: I don't know about you, but my clit is real low... Like, down near my ass.
--110th & Central Park West
Overheard by: Kong
Guy on cell: What fell out yo' foot? What do you mean, the bone fell out yo' foot! Put it back in!
--Penn Station
Woman preaching to two friends: I can't believe he couldn't find the ovary. I mean, if you've seen an ovary once, you know how to find it again. It's not hard.
--F train
Overheard by: commuter
Woman on cell: I'm sorry, baby, what part of your body are you talking about? ... Oh, God.
--A train
Want a Date, Wednesday One-Liners?
Hipster student: Yeah, man, we took Chinese already, but they're making us start again in elementary 'cause we can't write. All we know how to say is curse words and how to pick up hookers.
--Midtown Direct NJ Transit
Guy on cell: ... Virtual strumpet.
--E 34th St
Overheard by: Krisztina
Young woman on cell: My apartment is not a brothel... My apartment is not a brothel.
--Tompkins Square Park
Suit to wife: Oh, wait, they're not prostitutes, they're just Italian.
--Per Se Restaurant, Columbus Circle
Hobo in skirt: Ladies, ladies! Sex for sale! Sex for sale! Satisfaction guaranteed or your money back!
--2nd Ave, between 8th & 9th St
Overheard by: Skyler Fox
Wednesday One-Liners Have Been Formatted to Fit Your Screen
Southern tourist: By the way, if you're ever watching Law and Order, this is where everyone gets murdered and gets raped.
--Central Park South
Overheard by: Adam Schiff
Man lunching with buddy: No, I'm not a monk. That was just TV.
--18th & 5th
Crazy guy, through ventilator: Sonoco... Cablevision... Sonoco... Cablevision... Sonoco... Cablevision...
--West End Ave
Overheard by: Harriet Vane
Trader on cell: Well, she's certainly not MTV yet -- not VH1. She's more like 60 Minutes.
--Trading floor, NY Stock Exchange
Overheard by: Trader Joey
Hot girl to boyfriend: See, I don't think ass sex is necessarily something I want to do whilst watching X-Files...
--Pietrasanta Restaurant, Hell's Kitchen
Overheard by: Ta-da!
Enthusiastic hobo: What time is Desperate Housewives on?!
--Astor Pl
Man, after changing his shoes in a lively manner: What, you never saw Mr. Rogers?
--Jamaica-bound E train
Overheard by: He Was Quite Handsome.....
The First Rule of Wednesday One-Liners Is "Don't Talk about Wednesday One-Liners"
Suit on cell: I don't understand -- you're a grown woman. Why did you start kicking him, and why are you still kicking him if he didn't kick back?
--City Hall
Overheard by: Jenny
Ghetto girl on cell: ... And I still have to punch her in the face for telling him I have TB.
--Bryant Park
Drunk mailman on cell: Oh, yeah, you really should come and hang out! I'm gonna kick someone's ass tonight!
--13th & 3rd
Overheard by: rachel
Chick: Yeah, well, at least I don't have to go to anger management classes, Mom!
--Central Park
Ghetto chick: Okay, I'll see you later. Be safe, get home safe, and if you see Simone, smack her in the mouth for me.
--LIRR
Ghetto girl to white friend: You better not say, 'Two paths diverged in a wood,' or I'm gonna beat yo' ass.
--Pratt Institute, Brooklyn