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Like We Do at Church
Old woman: You had an audition today?
Young woman: Yeah, for the Jerry Springer show. I sang 'Mama Smacked Me on the Asshole.'
--Starbucks, 43rd & 8th
Oh, Location, You Make Our Jobs Too Easy.
Fat black woman #1: I tried on all their larges, and they was all tight. They don't make sizes for real women anymore.
Fat black woman #2: That's why all them pretty, skinny bitches in movies get killed first. No one cuts a big sister.
Fat black woman #1: Hmph... Cut them up.
--80 Broad St
Overheard by: The Pidge
In Where, Exactly?
Six-year-old son, indicating sex shop: Can I?! I want to go in there!
Frazzled mother: No. Just... no.
--Christopher, between Bleecker & Hudson
Overheard by: Colleen
But I Bet This Gerbil Can
Fat woman, panting: Slow down! I can't run in these heels.
Thin woman: You can't run in that ass.
--Penn Station
Overheard by: invid
You Only Got Me Here with Promises of a Fellational Nature
Man: So what do you think of the name I-lizabeth?
Woman: It's not I-lizabeth, it's 'Ilizabeth.'
Man: I know. Elizabeth with an I. That's so stupid.
Woman: What business is it of yours what they name their baby?
Man: I'm here and I'm aware of it, so I'm voicing my opinion. Spelling a name wrong is stupid. I guess they think it's cute, but it's gonna be a burden on that kid her whole life.
Woman: Why don't you just shut up and keep your opinions to yourself?
Man: Well, then don't invite me to these fucking parties where people make their stupidity public.
Woman: Just do me a favor -- eat and keep your mouth shut until you leave.
--Baby-naming party, E 34th & 2nd
Overheard by: Big Larry
Difficult to Flatter, Too
Girl with petition: You look like a nice guy!
Suit: You're fucking right I am! [Keeps walking.]
--68th & Broadway
Overheard by: Pierre Fresnay
You're a Good Guy, but You Can't Compete with Pussy
Hardhat #1: I can't!
Hardhat #2: How come?
Hardhat #1: I gotta go home.
Hardhat #2: Why?
Hardhat #1: It's Thursday. I get fucked on Thursday.
--13th & Ave A
And He Was Being Sarcastic, Mister "Funky Chicken"
Flamboyant queer: Oh my god, the black security guards complimented my moves! That's like the Nobel Prize of dancing!
Fag hag: I don't think Nobel Prizes work that way...
--Stuyvesant High
Unfortunately, I Said It into the Intercom
20-something chick: So yeah, I didn't even care when this girl at my school died.
Friend: Whoa...
20-something chick: Well, she broke my friend's leg!
Friend: Oh...
20-something chick: When the principal was having the moment of silence, I was like, 'Geez, she didn't take this long to die!'
Friend: Dude...
--Webster Hall
Overheard by: Vicksburg
Your Grandfather Had a Boyfriend? That's So Cool!
Boyfriend: Have you ever heard of the Grinch Who Stole Christmas?
Girlfriend: No, wait... Isn't that your grandfather?
Boyfriend: No... My grandfather's boyfriend was a kleptomaniac. Every Christmas my grandfather would have to rip all the tags off of everything so that no one would know that his boyfriend stole all the gifts.
--6 train
Married Guy: You Too?
Preppy guy #1: I just don't see myself getting married anymore.
Preppy guy #2: Yeah, I've totally lost the will to live.
Preppy guy #1: You've lost the will to live?!
Preppy guy #2: What? No, I meant to say I've lost the will to get married... Okay, I've lost the will to live.
--Wall St
In the Spirit of True Sisterhood, I Accept Your Reproach. Ass Whore.
Sorostitute #1: Remember that freshman I hooked up with? He friended me on Facebook!
Sorostitute #2: Oh, that's coo-- Wait a minute. Isn't that a little backwards?
Sorostitute #3: Uh, yeah. Here's how that should have gone: you meet him, he friends you on Facebook, and then you let him fuck you in the ass.
--Wagner College
But I Could Play Your Dad on a CW Show
Guy #1: I was like, 'You can't oooh me! You're three years younger than me! I could be your dad!'
Guy #2: No, you couldn't...
Guy #1: Well, not biologically...
--Columbia University
The Perils of Early Childhood Exposure to Super Mario Bros.
Drunk NYU girl: So, what I'd really like to do is help the innocent... [Drunk friend laughs.] With, like, fireballs!
--Bowery & 4th
Overheard by: davis
City Cubs May Be Slow to Learn Survival Skills
Father, dragging four-year-old daughter across street: Come on! [Little girl trips.] Oh!
Mother, from behind: What happened?
Father: She wasn't paying attention!
Mother: Sarah, this is what happens when you're eating your shirt and looking the wrong way! You smack into the curb!
--E 15th & Irving Pl
... If You Know What I Mean
Drunk NYU queer: Do you live in Rubin?
NYU girl: Yes.
Drunk NYU queer: On the 14th floor?
NYU girl: No, on the 11th floor.
Drunk NYU queer: The guy I've been dating is the RA on the 14th floor. Do you live on the 14th floor?
NYU girl: No, I live on the 11th floor, honey.
Drunk NYU queer: The guy I've been dating is the RA on the 14th floor. He is. His name is Dan. We ate apples together.
--A train
Overheard by: Leslie G.
... More Than Any of the Other Nuns
Stoner: She did coke, like, six times last week and was bleeding out of her nose.
Black girl: Ahhh, I love her.
--82nd & 2nd
Overheard by: yoni
I Hope I Don't Have Gemini Warts
Blonde: You're seeing your astrologist tomorrow?
Tattooed girl: Yeah, my pussy's been tingling lately, and I need to find out why.
--Washington Square
Then Who Did I Make Out with in the Lighting Booth?
College girl #1: So, like, when we were in high school and sharing dressing rooms for drama stuff, were you ever, like, attracted to me?
College girl #2: No.
College girl #1: Oh... [Very put out] Not at all?!
--108th & Broadway
As Close to Chivalry As New Yorkers Get
Girl crying on doorstep: Just leave so I can live my life!
Guy friend: I would, but I don't think I should leave you. If anything, you should leave me so I know you're okay.
Girl: That's the gayest, most '80s thing I've ever heard! [Guy, laughing hysterically, gets up and walks away.]
Guy friend: Bravo -- that was the best insult I've ever heard in my life!
--8th & Ave C
I'm Still Good Friends with That Senator, Though
Queer: So, I lost my virginity at 13 for all the wrong reasons.
Friend: Haha!
Queer: I'm serious.
Friend: Oh... Really?!
--180th & Ft Washington
Overheard by: reading and laughing
Well, by "Nice" I Meant "Fat"
UNICEF lady: Excuse me! You look like a nice lady!
Black lady: I'm not.
--Union Square
Overheard by: Shanaca
I Find It Alarming That You Know That
Guy in pink wig: So, have you heard from your friend Craig recently?
Go-go girl: No. I think he's dead.
Guy in pink wig: He's not dead. He has recent Facebook activity.
--1 train
Overheard by: nycdoll
Call Me If You Need a Spokeshobo
Conductor: This train will be going express to 137th Street. The next stop on this train will be 137th Street.
Hobo: 137th Street! And if you don't like it, buy your own train!
--1 train
Overheard by: EthanK
As Long As It Didn't Drown Out My iPod
Old guy: Hey! You respect your elders! Don't be disrespectful to your elders!
12-year-old boy: Shut the fuck up! Come here! Come over here! I'll fuck you up! Fuck you!
Passerby: I'd love to see an old man and a little kid throw down in the middle of Union Square.
--Union Square
Back in the Closet! Back, I Say!
Guy #1: I love Tom Brady -- not just the fact he's a great football player, but he knocked up that hot chick, too.
Guy #2: I know, man. He's a real handsome guy.
Guy #3: Yo, I was just thinking that, too! I would eat his asshole.
--Outside Ski Bar, 72nd & 5th, Bay Ridge
Overheard by: stevesoph
Our Best Guess Is Uncle Walter
Little girl: ... And then she said that I had herpes.
Woman #1: Coño.
Woman #2: Where do kids get this stuff?
--Lincoln Center
Legions of Angels Will Bear You to Wichita
Annoyed gate lady: Sorry, sir, the plane is being delayed one hour and could be delayed longer.
Frequent flyer: What if I get upgraded to first class?
--LaGuardia
Overheard by: Mike
That Skirt Really Brings Out Your Eyes
Girl: Excuse me! Do you have a girlfriend?
Guy passerby: Yes [keeps walking].
Girl: But does she appreciate you? You're beautiful!
--Broadway, near City Hall Park
Overheard by: just walkin
Don't Say That 'til You've Seen Me Shake My Tail
Teen girl to friend: Do I look like an animal?
Friend: You look like a stripper.
Teen girl: That's not an animal, per se.
--Broadway
Overheard by: i think she is a stripper
Not in the Same Way That You Have One, Though
Young Asian man to Asian woman with baby, while touching baby's foot: She is so soft. Does she have bones yet?
Asian mom: Yes, she has bones!
--L train
Overheard by: Lisa
Larry King Live Goes Off on Another Weird Tangent
Hobo #1: The scientists are destroying the universe!
Passerby: I totally agree!
Hobo #2: And religions, man! Fucking religions!
--4th & Ave A
Anything Worth Saying Should Be Abbreviated
Bimbette #1: How do you feel about people who call instead of text message?
Bimbette #2: They make me sad.
--Columbia University
Overheard by: Sarah
Then I Can't Help You because You're Not Real
Brit: Hello, my HSBC debit card isn't working at the ATM. The bank probably thinks there's fraudulent activity since I'm in America and not in England.
Teller: Okay, I'll check it out... I can't seem to find your account, sir. What's your social security number?
Brit: Huh?
Teller: Your social security number -- do you not have one?
Brit: No...
Teller: Hmmm. Okay...
--HSBC, 40th & 5th
Overheard by: Rachel W.
Headline by: have SSS #, am real
Runners-Up:
· "...Then Please Sing the National Anthem." - pbump
· "How About Your Penis Size, Then?" - Mikey G.
· "I've Contacted Homeland Security. Enjoy Syria." - Daniel Patterson
· "Okay I Need You to Fill Out IRS Form W-7 and Apply for a Tax Id Number and Then Come Back to This Counter in 4-6 Months." - Ty
Click here to see the new Headline Contest
How Danny Got Put in the Trunk
Mom: Danny, what did you put in the trunk?
Seven-year-old boy: Don't you mean, 'Whom did you put in the trunk'?
--116th & Lex
Helpfulness: A NYC Short Story
Loud, garbled announcement about disrupted rush hour service in background.
Uptight lady suit, smiling anxiously: What? What did she say?
Hipster: She said, 'Grble chzmglpt blgshqt skzdbkt...' [Continues, accurately mimicking entire garbled announcement.]
Uptight lady suit, disturbed: Oh.
--IRT Station, 110th & Broadway
Overheard by: Christopher Stone
Details, Details
20-ish chick #1: Does he even know who I am?
20-ish chick #2: The guy who took pictures of you naked?
--Las Ramblas, W 4th St
Overheard by: Ladle
Wednesday One-Liners Can't Buy Me Love
Nerdy kid to friend: Man, if I had more money, I'd totally be a goth.
--Bedford Ave station
Man on cell: The only acceptable excuse is that the plane went down, and when you emerged unscathed, the money was gone!
--Montague & Clinton, Brooklyn Heights
Overheard by: Cait
Loud Jamaican lady on cell: Why you give my money to someone else? You transfer my money to someone else's account! No. No. Na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-no. You know what I'm gonna do? I'm gonna come down to the bank. I'm gonna come down to the bank and tell them that's rude!
--7 train
Overheard by: Right after afternoon tea, but before busting a cap in someone's ass
Man at ATM, to girlfriend: Wow, I just realized I don't need money right now, but I like coming in here so I can feel rich.
--Commerce Bank, 95th & Broadway
Overheard by: Andrea Reese
Wednesday One-Liners Gotta Put Food on the Table
Conductor: Look, people, stop leaning against the doors. It only makes you late to work. I ain't gonna to be late for work -- I'm at work.
--2 train
Dude to buddies: Shit, yeah, first we get the job, then we get the cayenne, then we get the girls!
--Prince St
Overheard by: 3 musketeers
Lady suit: We can't bring in an asshole. We tried that last year and it didn't work.
--45th & Lex
Barista: Yo, I like my schedule -- work, sleep, sleep at work, go home and smoke some blunts, some weed, sleep... You can't do that shit on a temp schedule.
--Starbucks
Conductor: This is 47th Street, Rockefeller Center. Home of Top of the Rock, the Rainbow Room... and your job.
--Rockefeller Center
Wednesday One-Liners Are Only Foreskin Deep
Man to cop: I know my dick is big, but I didn't know it was illegal.
--Yankee Stadium bathroom
Overheard by: howie ray
Guy: My penis practically has a halo right now.
--N 10th & Bedford
Australian lady: Oh, look! It's the penis people again!
--Bodies Exhibit, South St Seaport
Girl on cell: So, wait -- let me get this straight -- last night you dreamed that you were coming out of the shower, looked down, and saw my head instead of your dick? ... Well, was my head in the shape of a dick? ... Oh, then no, that's not weird.
--Sullivan St
Overheard by: someone needs new friends
Big black lady on cell: His penis was about as big as... Hmmm, let me see here... Probably that stop sign over there. Yeah, that looks about right.
--25th & 6th
WASP lady to friend: ... And then, I mean, you save the really expensive stuff for the penis.
--89th & Madison
Overheard by: Dani
You Look Like People Who Could Use Some Wednesday One-Liners
Paper guy: AM News! AM News! Low prices! Low-tech news!
--Greeley Square, 32nd St
Overheard by: Mary Beth Hanlon
Thug handing out flyers: You don't have to take one, it's okay, because at the end of the day I'll still be crisp.
--Manhattan Mall
Overheard by: Alex Berkowitz
Umbrella vendor, after it starts raining: It's not too late... Save her hairdo!
--W. 47th St. & Broadway
Overheard by: Maggie
Flyer guy: Oh, man, I can't do this -- this job ain't for me. I can't take all the rejection!
--Clinton & Delancey
Guy selling umbrellas: I believe in all of you! I have umbrellas for you!
--33rd & 7th
Overheard by: smoon
Craptacular Wednesday One-Liners
Woman to friend: I'll poop on them! I'll poop all over anyone or anything -- that's not the problem. Just please don't cut my vagina!
--34th St
Overheard by: tori
High school kid: So, we're on the train and he pulls down and his pants and takes a shit right there on the seat! To top it off, he takes the shit and starts writing with it. He writes 'This train smells shitty' with the shit! [After kid leaves with posse, old lady bursts out laughing.]
--McDonald's, Ditmars
Overheard by: it was her!
Crackhead to no one, checking out lady passerby: Damn, look at that ass! I'd suck the shit outta that ass...
--Washington Square Park
Overheard by: wasn't that nice
Man, pointing to woman's dog: You have to squeeze his innards to make sure he poops at the right time...
--15th & Union Square West
Overheard by: glad i'm not that dog....
Drunk girl to kneeling friend: I'm gonna shit on your face!
--10th & 3rd
Asian guy: Horse shit is awesome!
--The Met
Wednesday One-Liners Thought Pulling Out Would Work
Woman on cell: ... Then, when she found out my dog was pregnant, she stopped talking to me.
--77th & Broadway
22-year-old girl: I waited eight years before I got pregnant again, and I got in three fights while I was pregnant with him, but only two with this one. But one of those doesn't really count, because I punched that bitch in the face and she was out.
--R train
Guy on cell: Yeah? I wish my mother was smoking crack when she was pregnant with me!
--14th & 3rd
Overheard by: walking by
Guy on cell: You're pregnant? Who's the father? Steve?! That's why God invented abortions.
--NYU
Overheard by: Jeffrey Lebowski
Tween girl: ... And a bunch of pregnant people started slapping each other!
--84th & 5th
Overheard by: Olivia
Thug to girlfriend: Who you pregnant about? 'Cause it ain't mine!
--23rd St station
Wednesday One-Liners Publish or Perish
Professor: I'm gonna show you a little old insertion trick that my grandmother taught me. It works great.
--Columbia University
Overheard by: wba2101
Professor: Everyone is here except the person who is not here.
--City College
Overheard by: ClaRity
Latin professor: So, what Tibullus is trying to say is that old women have to be in the beauty parlor a lot! Beauty doesn't come as easily as when you're 18 and always looking great... Well, I suppose that's not exactly true. As I look around the room, I see that sometimes you girls could use some work in the mornings.
--Fordham University, Lincoln Center
Overheard by: Kate Melvin
Professor: My wife has many male friends... I don't ask questions.
--NYU
Law professor: It's possible... Just like it's possible I'll get raptured at any minute.
--NYU Law School
Wednesday One-Liners Bump Uglies
Hipster girl: Yeah, but there's a big difference between having a social life and having a social life with someone you want to have sex with.
--Bedford Ave
Lady: So, do you even want to put that in me anymore?
--46th & Broadway
Overheard by: Luke
Black guy to posse: What?! I don't go to the ones where you can have sex with them!
--Chelsea
20-ish girl to friend: Dude, he, like, humps my leg on command!
--19th & Broadway
Overheard by: sweetchuck
White girl to friends: Just remember -- I made a sex tape so you don't have to!
--Bar 13
Hey, Sports Fans, It's Wednesday One-Liners!
Girl: When I lived in Miami is when I really got into ice hockey.
--8th & Mercer
Black guy to white friends: Yo, Mets got no 'rithmetic!
--63rd & Queens Blvd
Conductor over PA: Well, fuck me! Either we go bowling or we don't go bowling!
--R train, 5th Ave
Drunk girl: I'd rather change my vagina into a penis than be a Devils fan!
--Ranger Game, MSG
Conductor: Welcome to New York's Penn Station. This will be the last stop. Today has been declared 'Be Nice to a Met Day.' If you see anyone in a Mets jersey or t-shirt, be nice to them. They've had a rough couple of weeks.
--NJ Transit