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In Other Parts of the Country, the Vendor Might Say, "I'm Sorry, Sir, but I Have No Camel Lights Today"
Black guy: Cold water! Cold water! One dollar. One dollar! Newports -- five dollars! Get the special: Newports and ice-cold water! Six dollars! Six dollars!
White guy: Do you have Camel Lights?
Black guy: Get the fuck out of here!
White guy: Well, then just a bottle of water, please.
--Broadway & Gates, Brooklyn
Overheard by: Peter
Then I've Slept with Two!
Guy #1: Wait, who here has slept with a drug dealer?
Guy #2: I have.
Guy #3: I have.
Guy #4: I have.
Guy #2: You have not.
Guy #4: Yes, I have -- Esther.
Guy #3: Esther's a drug dealer?
Guy #4: Hells yeah!
--Columbus, between 67th & 68th
I Put That Penis Down Hours Ago, Grasshopper. Why Are You Still Holding It?
Trendy college guy, about girl #1: We had really good sex last night.
Girl #2: That's nice. Did you have really good sex this morning, too?
Girl #1: No way -- his apartment was way too hot.
Girl #2: You could've did it in the shower...
Girl #1: Oh, yeah, we didn't think of that... Oh, well, I'm over it.
--47th & 9th
Overheard by: Janice
Both M.L. and Rodney King Dreamed of This Moment
Black girls in SUV: What's up, my white girls?!
White girls on corner: Wooo!
--Grand Army Plaza
Overheard by: megan
I Swear -- This Has Never Happened to Me Before
Queer: I'm sorry. Did I juice on you?
Tall girl: No, I think I juiced on myself.
--Chinatown
Why Do You Think I'm Setting Up This Camera?
Drunk girl yelling at her friend: The only thing I asked you to do was not to put any money in his boxers! [Sees staring passerby.] What?! You want to see a fight?!
Passerby: Yep.
--4th & 2nd
Overheard by: Tabitha Junkers
Have You Been Trying on Wigs Again?
Woman, while hugging man: What is this?
Man: Huh?
Woman, picking hair off his shirt: This is not my hair!
--42nd St station
Overheard by: Geneedwin
Can We Get a Tree and Go Crypto?
Girl: Oh, look how pretty they are! Can we pleeease get a Christmas tree? A little one?
Guy: Uh, no.
Girl: Well, why not?
Guy: Because we're Jewish.
--Astor Pl & Lafayette
Overheard by: Couple passing by
Symbiosis in the Gay Ecosystem
Queer: Hey! Nice tits!
Morbidly obese fag hag: Hey, thanks!
--Metropolitan & Humboldt
Overheard by: dani d
Why "Ooby-Dooby" Made a Comeback
LI girl: Tiffany, we need new expressions!
Tiffany: What?
LI girl: Like, new phrases to say in response to stuff.
Tiffany: Oh. Okay, we'll make some up.
--Billy's Bakery
The Real Reason We Invaded Iraq
Queer: That was so disappointing. What was that director thinking? And that drum! Jesus, that drum -- the most important scene probably in the last hundred years of Dramatic Literature. I mean, the girl is saving the town, for God's sake -- it's supposed to be heroic -- and they give her a tiny toy drum, practically a fucking tambourine! It makes the scene funny and ludicrous! It's like, what are they fighting for, for Christ's sake?!
Passing B&T woman: Well, that's the point, isn't it? What are they ever fighting for?
Queer: Certainly not that fucking drum.
--Outside the Delacorte Theater, Central Park
Rabbi Loewe Is Up to His Old Shenanigans
Little boy #1: So, yeah -- the human race is pretty much the root of all evil.
Little boy #2: But you're a human. It's like you're insulting yourself.
Little boy #1: Nuh-uh. I'm an android, remember?
--Central Park
Overheard by: Toastuh
No One Who Says "Comparable" Is Even in the Running for "Funnest"
Girl #1: Last time I went to Target with Ken, it was sooo much fun. It was, like, one of the funnest days of my life.
Girl #2: Maybe today will be comparable!
Girl #1: Honey, I love you, but I doubt it.
--Bx9 bus
Overheard by: Sromeo
Is a Goddamn Miniature Jack Too Much to Fucking Ask?
Dad: How was school today, buddy?
Three-year-old: Good... But my fucking truck broke.
--86th St & Central Park West
A Candy Cigarette and I'm Good to Go
Six-year-old girl: I just want this, I'm on a diet.
Little brother: You're on a diet?
Six-year-old girl: Yeah, I only had fruit for lunch and dinner.
Little brother: Oh. What do you want to drink?
Six-year-old girl, grabbing bottle of Coke: This one. The good thing is it looks like a beer!
--Deli, 95th & Columbus
Overheard by: Megan W
If You Fuck Seattle Just Right, It Will Achieve Oregon
Chick #1: Where the fuck is Seattle?
Chick #2: Oregon.
--55th & 3rd
Overheard by: Meghan
And Get Stuffed and Mounted
Guy: So, what do you want to do?
Drunk girl: I'm really good with numbers, so maybe something like that?
Guy: You mean, like, accounting?
Drunk girl: Yeah. I want to be a taxidermist.
--In front of Subway Inn, 60th & Lex
God, I Miss College
Vampire: Your ass looks great in that costume.
French maid: You don't even know me! [She starts making out with him.]
--W 4th & MacDougal
I Always Let Her Win at Scrabble
Woman in sweats: I liked playing Scrabble with her... She killed her daughter with a hammer and a shovel.
Man in sweats: Yeah?
Woman in sweats: Well, she beat her first with the hammer and then the shovel.
Man in sweats: Huh.
--5th Ave & Prospect Ave, Brooklyn
Overheard by: dusdin
Some Pussy Farts Are Less Savory Than Others
Female tourist #1: What I hate is that they even put food coloring in cat food. And then when my kitty farts--
Female tourist #2: --You can tell where Fluffy's been sitting.
--R train
Overheard by: Brian
The Koran Talks about Bus Stops?
Professor-like man: Excuse me, are you a Muslim?
Muslim man, slightly hesitant: Yes, why?
Professor-like man: Well, I was hoping you could answer a question I have about the Koran that I've been wondering about for a while. [Muslim man nods.] Can you tell me everything the Koran says about female circumcision?
Muslim man: Is there a bus stop nearby?
--Outside Columbia University subway entrance
Overheard by: Matthew
Reader Poll: Should Jack Be Worried?
20-ish girl: Jack is going to Vegas for a bachelor party Friday. Should I be worried? What really happens at those things, anyway?
30-ish guy: It depends. The last one I went to was pretty low-key, but I've been to plenty of crazy bachelor weekends with strippers and a double-ended dildo.
20-ish girl: That's it?! I've been to tons of parties with strippers and dildos. That's not that crazy.
30-ish guy: When's Jack back?
20-ish girl: Sunday.
30-ish guy: I think I might have a party Saturday.
--Union Square
And "Bowl" Just Sounds Dirty
Hipster girl #1: Hey, get this one! It's about the Dust Bowl!
Hipster girl #2: Ew, no.
Hipster girl #1: Why not?
Hipster girl #2: Because I hate the word 'dust.' It's so sad.
--Strand Bookstore
Overheard by: Ahall
You're Very Polite for a White Devil
Little white boy: Trick or treat?
Asian employee: Here you go.
Little white boy: Thank you, Chinese! Thank you, Chinese!
--Saint Alps Teahouse
So He's Really Only Invisible at Night
Prep school boy #1: I'm reading The Invisible Man, but I'm really disappointed.
Prep school boy #2: Really?
Prep school boy #1: Yeah, I mean, he's not really invisible, you know?
Prep school boy #2: He's not?
Prep school boy #1: No, he's just black.
--96 Crosstown bus
White? Good Call.
Tourist chick, in front of Jackson Pollock painting: What does it mean?
Friend: I want that color on my wedding cake.
--MoMA
Talking to You Is Like a Conversation with the White House
Dude: Did you hear the queen's in town?
Chick: Our town?
Dude: Not necessarily.
--Columbia University
Overheard by: McFreaky
If He Slaps Your Hand, You'll Know He's Gay
Guy: Well, maybe you could touch his hair -- just a little bit.
Girl, after pause: Do you think that would work?
--49th & 6th
Overheard by: Scarfish
But I Want It for the Solstice!
Young boy: Mommy, can we get a Christmas tree now?
Mom: No, honey, we don't need a tree. We celebrate Hanukkah in our home.
--7th Ave, Park Slope
The Guy Code Says We Can't Discuss It, Though
Guy #1: Dude, have you ever done it in blood?
Guy #2: Uh, yeah...
--Columbia University
NewsFlash: Bible Misinterpreted. Film at 11.
Little old Jewish lady #1: So that Moses -- who was his mother? Why'd they put him in that basket, anyway?
Little old Jewish lady #2: I think it was because they were going to kill him... Something like that.
Little old Jewish lady #1: It's so sad when loving families break up like that. They should've given him to a cousin.
--Chinese restaurant, 16th & 3rd
Overheard by: ysabet
And You're Trick-or-Treating for This Week's Groceries, My Friend
Four-year-old boy: I'm tired.
Serious mom: You can't be tired. It's Halloween.
--95th & 3rd
Overheard by: acep
I Fear Contamination by New Ideas
Young teen #1: Nah, man! I refuse to compromise my morals and values for some girl!
Young teen #2: C'mon, man, just come with us.
Young teen #1: No! I refuse to walk into a fucking bookstore!
--Outside Strand Bookstore, Union Square
Overheard by: Avid Book Reader
Give It Up, Y'all, for J-Naz and the A-posse of Twelve
Puerto Rican girl: You know what my mother always says? 'Jesus danced, Jesus drank, or else why would we make a wine out of him?'
Haitian guy: Amen! Hallelujah!
Black girl: Jesus wanted us to get down with it.
--Brooklyn College
Headline by: jason daniel
Runners-Up:
· "Resurrection Red, Walks on Water White, or Virgin Birth Blush?" - Fred
· "Shake This, For This Is My Booty" - Meredith
· "Suffer the Blunts and 40s to Come Unto Me" - likeitornot
· "What CAN'T That Nigga Do?" - Joeritos
· "Word. (of the Lord)" - Janet E
Click here to see the new Headline Contest
But Only with Livestock.
Girl #1: Wait... You're not a virgin?
Girl #2: Nope. I had sex once. Well, nine times.
--McDonald's, Times Square
Now He Just Shadows Me and Kills Any Man I Talk to
Chick #1: So, are you a bad boy?
Chick #2: Yeah, I'll bet he rides motorcycles and has guns.
Dude: No, but I have killed a few people I didn't like.
Chick #1, seriously: Don't joke. I dated a guy who did that.
--1 train
Overheard by: Jay
Or Like Let's Renew Seventh Heaven for Another Season
Blonde: I just had the meanest thought in the whole world.
Guy: I doubt it.
Brunette: Tell us what it was, and then we'll judge.
Blonde: Okay, well, I hope that Tim and Tom don't realize we have a Spanish test tomorrow, because I always study way more than them and they still score, like, 20 points higher than me.
Brunette: Oh, that's not mean. There are way meaner thoughts, like I hope Tim and Tom catch rickets so they're too sick to take the test.
Guy: Yeah, or like let's force all the Jews out of Germany and burn them in an oven.
--Fordham University
Overheard by: Sromeo
Wednesday One-Liners, You Are Here
Girl on cell: Yeah, I'm in New York City... Yeah, it's on the East coast, but it's not really on the East coast. It's not, like, next to water or anything.
--Penn Station
Overheard by: Beach Goer
Dude: My god. I mean, everyone knows Broadway and Fifth Avenue are the same thing, and the idiot says no.
--14th & 4th
Overheard by: girl in the red coat
High school boy: So let me ask you this -- how easy is it to cross over from Egypt to Mexico?
--3 train
Overheard by: Nick H
School trip escapee teen to pal: Now we can do whatever we want... We're in Times Square!
--Outside Penn Station, 7th Ave
Overheard by: Go back to Iowa
Tourist chick to friends: LaGuardia? How the fuck did we end up at the fucking airport?
--Houston, at LaGuardia
Wednesday One-Liners Are the Best Medicine
Smiling dad to giggling infant he's holding: Yeah, get yo' laugh on!
--49th & 10th
Overheard by: chris
Chick: ... And that's how I had a miscarriage. Oh! That reminds of a funny story!
--NYU
Young suit: Ray* would be a better salesman if he wasn't trying to be funny all the time. Like me -- I can turn it off at the right times. Like, just today I said to Lynn*, 'We should just take lunch for the rest of the day,' and she said, 'Just not come back, right?' So I said, 'You know me -- I actually like to work all day and all night long,'and she said that I was hilarious...
--2 train
Columbia chick: I broke up with a guy once for being too funny. He was giving me wrinkles from laughing so hard!
--116th & Broadway
Cop to others: You know what's really fucking funny? Everybody around here looks fucking suspicious.
--Union Square
Overheard by: Morgan
Wednesday One-Liners: The E! True Hollywood Story
Dude to another: You're not so bad yourself. You look like Kevin Nealon on a good day. A good day!
--22nd & Broadway
Overheard by: I wish
Man: Ahmadinejad is not a baller.
--114th, between Broadway & Amsterdam
Old Russian man to skate rat: Excuse me, what for are they talking about when they say, 'J. Lo is meat curtains'?
--Penn Station
Overheard by: Billy Splatts!
Goth girl: So, I'm like Jon Benet Ramsey, parenthetically speaking.
--Columbia University
Overheard by: meliss
Woman: ... So then I rolled over, and it was Bill Murray on Rollerblades playing drums on my windowpane!
--Prince & Thompson
Overheard by: Emily
Wednesday One-Liners -- You Can Count Their Ribs!
Girl to friend: I mean, he has an eating tutor.
--Astoria
Overheard by: Joel
Rabbi: Fasting is completely useless.
--Yom Kippur service, Temple Beth El
Overheard by: Ilysse Weisenfeld
Girl on cell: No, I think her boobs are fake. There is no way you can be anorexic and have boobs like that. I know! They look so awful! Like balloons on a broomstick!
--Barnard College
Overheard by: Vicksburg
Chick to friend: You can lose weight just by digesting.
--Main St & Roosevelt Ave, Flushing, Queens
Overheard by: Rita
Big black lady, stuck in the stall: Oh, hell no! I ain't come in the bathroom for anorexic people!
--Stall #2, Ladies' room, Barnes & Noble, 18th & 5th
Overheard by: Laughing in Stall #1
Wednesday One-Liners Open the Doors of Perception
Guy on cell: Just take some Vicodin and smoke some pot, and you'll be fine.
--Pratt Institute
Hipster: The last time we were shrooming, I Febreezed the shit out of you.
--5th & 2nd
Overheard by: Tim Houghton
Chick on cell: I don't know what you're saying, but I have a ton of weed, so it doesn't matter.
--9th & 5th
Overheard by: traPt
Old, crunchy hipster: I'm all set -- I've got my weed in this pocket, and my granola bar in this one!
--Zappa Plays Zappa, Beacon Theater
Seven-year-old boy: Mom, I'm allergic to heroin.
--Duane Reade, 145th St
Overheard by: I hope benadryl doesn't cure that allergy
Magnum Wednesday One-Liners
Dude: This sounds weird, but I've got enough condoms to fill up a piñata.
--Bike shop
Overheard by: Ken
Chick on cell: She had a condom stuck in her for four days!
--92nd & Columbus
Overheard by: Erin
20-ish male: Okay, who put a condom in my iced latte?
--Ozzie's Coffee House, Park Slope
Old guy on cell: No, honey, it's unsanitary to buy condoms on eBay.
--34th & 7th
Overheard by: Sam
Fat lady tourist to friend: Hey, I should've brang those condoms with us to get rid of them.
--4 train
Wednesday Feliners
Frat boy: This time the cat wasn't bigger than my cock at all!
--Union Square
Overheard by: Last time it was, though.
Crazy dude: Cats tryin' to eat me out here... If you eat me, I'ma eat you, too! I ain't no snack!
--A train
Overheard by: Marlena Mc
20-ish suit: ... Found out my dad murdered my cat when I was kid... He told me it ran away, then he confessed last night at the party. What an asshole! But he got me a dog right after he killed the cat, so it didn't bother me so much.
--7th St
Chick: We threw my friend a wedding shower that was a luau. It was great -- grass skirts, the whole bit. Only 20 bucks a person -- really reasonable. We even got these sand terrarium things, which was awesome until my cat decided it would be a great place to drop a load.
--Hill Country BBQ, W 26th St
Overheard by: Rose Fox
Suit on cell: There's more than one way to peel a cat.
--51st & Broadway
Don't Drink and Wednesday One-Liner
Lamar from Revenge of the Nerds look-alike: Well, you tell her that I will cut Miss Daisy before I drive her.
--51st & 8th
Overheard by: Nigel
Chick to guy: I'll give you 20 bucks and suck your dick the whole way if you give me a ride home.
--5th & 2nd
Woman to man: Well, if we're not going to drive anywhere, we might as well drink!
--Mulberry St
Overheard by: Hazel
Lady to friend: Yeah, he traded the Camry for a Tahoe, so now the sperm and eggs can all fit into one car.
--49th & 5th
Overheard by: seann r
Messenger with hand truck: Tell them there is no fucking truck -- I'm the truck!
--28th & 7th
Pick Up, Wednesday One-Liners -- I Know You're There, Dammit!
Drunk man on pay phone: What are you doing? ... You weren't waiting for me to call, motherfucker! You were not! You motherfucker...
--106th & 2nd
Seven-year-old girl on cell: I've been getting hundreds of calls today.
--95th & Broadway
Chick on cell: Oh, and happy birthday, to your face. Well, your phone-face.
--12th & 2nd
Angry lady on cell: You have a Sprint phone? You son of a bitch!
--11th & 3rd
JAP on cell: The iPhone makes you look fat? You're crazy... It really does?
--Duane Reade, 28th & Park