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That Costs Extra
Girl: Yeah, the room in the apartment is only four hundred bucks a month.
Guy: No way! No place in the city is only four hundred a month. You probably have to shit in the bathtub.
--Bainbridge & Malcolm X, Brooklyn
What a Drip
Fat guy: So, you think she's going to dump you?
Skinny guy: Yeah, she doesn't seem to like the gonorrhea. It just keeps coming back!
Fat guy: Well, that's the thing with gonorrhea.
--Walgreens, 18th & 1st
Overheard by: Trying Not To Laugh
Thanks. My Feet Feel Better Now.
20-ish female tourist: My feet are killing me. I shouldn't have worn heels.
20-ish boyfriend: Heels aren't that bad. I wore them and a dress for a play in eighth grade.
20-ish female tourist: My dad loves dressing up as a woman.
--C train, Port Authority
... With a Demonstration
Editor to sales conference: ... And we think this book will do rather well.
Sales rep: One thing -- what's a succubus?
Editor: A succubus is a sex demon. I'm sorry. I should have made that clear.
--Office, 55th & Broadway
The Three Train Is the Anal Train
Traveling students: We want to go to 116th Street -- Columbia -- so we take this train? This Three train?
NY-er: No, that train goes to a bad place. You want the One train.
--96th St station
Tits Have Points
Dude #1: Yo, check it out: this chick in the lecture I was just in -- huge tits, bro.
Dude #2: Yeah?
Dude #1: Yeah. Fucking bombs.
Dude #2: That's it? That's the story? I mean, I like tits, but there's gotta be a point to a story, man.
Dude #1, after long pause: ... Fag.
--Kimmel Center, NYU
Overheard by: that guy
A Real Man Doesn't Refer to Scarlett Johansson as "It"
Queer #1: Well, I walked in and he was doing it in the bathroom again!
Queer #2: That ain't what a man do.
--34th & 6th
Overheard by: girl laughing in front
I Killed a Guy Last Night
Skater dude #1: At that party some girl, like, totally had her period on my shirt.
Skater dude #2: Yeah, man, I know how that is...
--Union Square
And I Haven't Told My Parents about Us Yet
Guy #1: Dude, I was rockin' pink American Apparel briefs and brown pants and pink and brown-striped socks when I hung out with her! Chicks dig that attention to detail, man.
Guy #2: Keep it down, man! You sound like a fucking faggot.
--Whole Foods, 14th St
Overheard by: lil pirate
Unfortunately, They're Attending A NAMBLA Meeting
Dad: How old are you?
Teen boy: Thirteen.
Dad: How old are you?
Mom: You know he's thirteen.
Dad: It says here [gestures to brochure] that if you're eleven or younger, you get in free... How old are you?
Teen boy: Oh. Eleven.
--Roxy Deli
Overheard by: Kelsey
She Has to Talk about Four Other Gross Things and Still Meet Deadline
Mom: Do you need to poop?
Little girl: I don't wanna poop!
Mom: You'll get a treat if you poop.
Little girl: But I don't wanna.
Mom: You either do it or you don't. I don't have all day to talk about poop.
--JFK bathroom stall
Overheard by: plo
Which Would've Been Kinda Nice If It Weren't for the Spurs
Marathon runner: ... And then, next thing I know, my father's cowboy boots are stuck in my butt.
Friend: Really? Wow...
--Lower East Side
Overheard by: lee
Well, a Little Glue, Yarn, a Marker, and Some Buttons, and It Could Be Both
Bimbette, about little boy in wheelchair: Aw, look at him! He's got a little hand puppet!
Friend: Actually, that's a cast.
--Lafayette & East Houston
Overheard by: Kim & Clerr
But the Guilt Presents Will Be Well Worth It
Little girl #1: So, I hear your mom is going to have a baby.
Little girl #2: Oh my god, I know! It's going to totally ruin my social life!
--Bloomingdale Park, Staten Island
NewsFlash: All Mideast Conflict Problems Solved -- All Major Religions Object to Method!
Dude: What happens if we don't get jobs in the fall?
Chick: We bend over and fuck ourselves in the ass with our giant penises.
Dude: Really? What is anal sex gonna solve?
Chick: Anal sex solves everything!
--Queens College
Overheard by: RIes
To Be Fair, There's a Thin Line between a Yarmulke and a Beret
Girl #1: Oy vey.
Girl #2: What's an 'oy vey'?
Girl #1: It's something French people say when they're stressed out.
--Penn Station
Overheard by: bhahah
When You're Hoarse and Buggy
Girl #1: Actually, no. She ate a bug once we got to Lake Michigan -- wind blew it right down her throat.
Girl #2: Oh, no! But bugs have lots of protein, so that's good.
Girl #1: They say that about semen, too, though, so I don't know how much of a comfort that really is.
--Astor Pl
Overheard by: Michelle
On Second Thought, Maybe with Lube
20-ish guy: You could transfer to the two, to the four, to the D...
20-ish girl: I could... I could also stick a glass dildo in my eye, but I don't want to do that, either.
--Rush hour, 1 train, 86th St
Overheard by: Lulu
Well, I Don't Think It's Quite That Cut and Dry
Chick #1: So, I was taking his pants off and I was like, 'Oh my gosh, he's wearing whitey-tighties!' And then I realized they were actually black..
Chick #2: You didn't know already that he was black?!
--Brother Jimmy's BBQ
Overheard by: Joe John
Wait 'Til He Starts Taking Off His Clothes
Hobo: Why did Freddy kill Martin Luther King, Jr.? Because he had a dream!
Suit: It doesn't get much better than this.
--1 train
Overheard by: okredtrain
So His Puppetmasters Would Have Us Believe
Asian chick #1: Don't the Democrats want war?
Asian chick #2: Ummm... What?!
Asian chick #1: Oh... Wait... George Bush is a Republican?!
--Queens College
Overheard by: Sharon Sloan
But I Didn't Even Get to the Part about the Drippy Analingus
Guy who just got empty seat: My day just went from good to great!
Tourist lady: Oh? Why was it good?
Guy: I got to hug my therapist and talk about bogus relationships.
Tourist lady: [Stunned silence.]
Guy: TMI?
Tourist lady: Ummm, yes [giggles nervously and turns away].
--6 train, Grand Central
Overheard by: Christine
Yeah, I Miss Abusing Her
Man #1: It seems my first wife put my name down on a job application as a reference.
Man #2: Oh, yeah? How do you know?
Man #1: Somebody called me yesterday and asked, 'Can you tell us something about her?'
Man #2: What did you say?
Man #1: I said, 'She can't cook and she's lousy in bed! As long as the job don't require that, I guess she'd be good.'
Man #2: What an idiot!
--LIRR
Overheard by: Allison
Of Course! Honking Causes Movement! I See It So Clearly Now
Guy, about honking nearby: Yeah, that's gonna get traffic moving. You just have to honk harder. [More honking.] Yeah, that's the spirit.
--Outside Yankee Stadium
If You Can Find a Way to Kill People with It, the Army Would Be Interested
Hipster guy #1: We've been working on this kind of Flickr thing for cell phones for, like, a month.
Hipster guy #2: That might be kind of cool...
Hipster guy #1: No, it fuckin' sucks. Nobody's gonna use it.
--Chinatown bus
So, of Course, I Had to Make It Go Away
JAP #1: So, I'm outside smoking a cig, right? And there's this guy, like, smoking right across the street. O-M-G... He walks across the street, and, like, stands right in front of me and stares!
JAP #2: Was he cute?!
JAP #1: Ewww! His hard-on was sooo gross!
--Whole Foods, 24th & 6th
And Whose Fault Is That, Mr. "I Have to Cum Inside You"?
Little girl: Daddy, save my seat!
Dad: I can't.
Little girl: Yes, you can -- just put your hand on the seat.
Dad: But then someone might sit on my hand, and they might have a smelly butt, like you.
--1 train
Battle of the Dead White Europeans
Office drone #1: Yo, what ya got in there? That's Mozart, right?
Office drone #2: No, man, it's Beethoven! You got a problem with that?
--9 MetroTech Center
Overheard by: Cap'n MidNite
Save Your Money and Invest It Wisely
Lady facing sign reading "Security": Excuse me -- where can I find security?!
Hapless intern: Um...
--New York-Presbyterian Hospital
Overheard by: i hate hospitals
He Moved Up from the Flour Sack When Potty-Trained
Mom: Where's Billy?
Kid: He's back there, asleep on the toilet paper. [Family looks back and sees Billy resting his head on stack of toilet paper rolls.] Come on, Billy. We've got toilet paper you can sleep on at home.
--Target
Overheard by: Scott
Jesus Doesn't Keep Flecking Our Faces with Spit
Subway preacher, after incoherent rant: So, can I get a 'Hallelujah'? [Passengers silent.] Well, then can I get a 'Thank you, Jesus!'? [Passengers silent.] Okay, then. Now I'm just going to talk to the born-again Christians on this train. Everybody else can ignore me -- just like you're ignoring Jesus!
--4 train
Overheard by: JVM
Like I Did with My First Baby
Guy to manager: I lost my wallet near here, and I was wondering if anyone turned it in?
Crazy lady at copy machine: Maybe you left it in some boy's pants.
--Staples, 56th & Park
She's Not Even All That Pregnant
Guy: She is not a crack whore!
Chick: She's pregnant and she's doing cocaine!
Guy: Well, that's not crack.
--Starbucks
Jesus Will Try Anything to Impress Us These Days
Man: The one time I bought a steak from here I left it out and it turned all brown.
Cashier: Yeah?
Man: Yeah... But then the next time I just put it in my pocket and it stayed good all day.
--D'Agastino
Overheard by: kimmy-yo
Headline by: Gaping MAW
Runners-Up:
· "Don't Ask Where He Keeps the A-1..." - the horologist
· "Gives a Whole New Meaning to Meat-packing" - Gosia
· "He Said, As He Pulled Out His Penis." - Allan
· "I Got a T-Bone in My Pocket with Your Name on It" - Marc Bernard
· "My Crotch Always Has a Chilling Effect" - Rhys Southan
· "Worst Pickup Artist Ever" - smittie
Click here to see the new Headline Contest
If It's a Mugging, You're in Luck!
Conductor: You know what stop this is?
Alabaster college prep: Harlem?
Conductor: Mmm-hm... Hope you find what you're looking for, son.
--125th St station, Harlem
At Least He's Honest
Little girl: Daddy, what's wrong with Chinese people? Why do they never smile?
Dad: It's because they're robots.
Little girl: What about black people? Are black people robots?
Dad: No, not that I'm aware of.
--4 train
Overheard by: Audrey
French Vanilla Means a Regular and a Handjob
LI girl: Wait, where's the milk for the coffee?
Cashier: The sugar's right here.
LI girl: No, I want milk. Don't you have any milk in this whole place? For coffee?
Cashier: No, because you said you want regular.
LI girl: Yeah, regular -- like 'not decaf.'
Cashier: No. Regular is 'no milk.'
LI girl: No. Black is like this -- 'no milk.'
Cashier: No. Black is 'not hazelnut.'
Onlooker: Learn how to order or get out of the way.
--Ess-a Bagel, 21st & 1st
Overheard by: Jackie G
Excuse Me, Can I Bum a Wednesday One-Liner?
Hipster girl on cell: Yeah, we're just gonna smoke some hookah and watch the freshmen. They're really entertaining.
--Columbia University
Hobo exiting trashcan and shooting smoking pedestrian a dirty look: That smells disgusting. Smoking is such a nasty habit! [Stalks off.]
--10th & Broadway
Overheard by: firefry
Lady: ... And she's just the most adorable child! I mean, she has these angelic features and then the voice of a 40-year-old smoker.
--College Walk, Columbia University
Bimbette to friend: They were, like, giving me a bunch of shit since I'm pregnant and still smoking. I was like, 'It only causes low birth weight. What's the big deal?!'
--6 train
Overheard by: Drew
Conductor: A reminder, folks -- no smoking in the restrooms. You know who you are.
--Amtrak to Boston
Annie Oakley's Wednesday One-Liners
Young mom to daughter: Rock, paper, scissors means rock, paper, scissors -- no guns!
--R train, City Hall
Guy on cell: Where are you? It sounds noisy... Where? Oh, Magnolia... Well, just shoot them all before they breed more little cupcake-eating fuckers.
--44th & 8th
Overheard by: Rose Fox
Barker for "Shoot the Freak" carnival game, to biking couple: Hey! You with the bikes! You support alternative modes of transportation, but do you support shooting people in the freakin' head?! Step right up!
--Coney Island
Hipster on cell: You just hate me... No, 'Get shotgun for raccoon' was first on your errands list, and you ignored it!
--N train
Crazy substitute calculus professor: You cannot square infinity. Anyone who tries to square infinity will be shot. That's a promise.
--NYU Silver Center
Not That There's Anything Wrong with Wednesday One-Liners
Queer: So he showed up at the store in a t-shirt and towel and asked for Butt Paste!
--Bryant Park
Overheard by: Rachel P
Queer: I will have no part in making babies!
--Brooklyn-bound A train
Queer to approaching fag hag: Hi! Oh my god, you really do look like a suicide victim!
--Blockheads, 50th & 8th
Overheard by: ashley
Teen queer to friends: Hey! Tell pickle-juice-titties to come on! We gettin' up out this faggot function.
--135th & St. Nicholas Ave
Overheard by: Just Another Harlemite
Queer: When I get bored around two in the morning I start throwing a rubber band ball at the wall. Then I take a cardboard box and use it to keep the ball from hitting me... It's a rush.
--185th & Bennett
Overheard by: LSB
Wednesday One-Liners Can Too Carry a Tune in a Bucket!
Drunk guy singing along to "If You Leave Me Now": Up your ass, up your ass!
--M2M, 11th & 3rd
Overheard by: Lillian
Over conductor's mic, to tune of Soulja Boy's "Crank Dat": Super suck my dick! Super suck my dick! Bitch!
--1 train, 96th St
Overheard by: Ruby
Bag lady, singing: If you're happy and you know it, show your butt cheeks!
--23rd & 2nd
Man, singing: How sweet it is to be loved by... your monkey, monkey, monkey.
--A train, 207th St station
Overheard by: Cat
Man getting into car, clapping hands over head and singing: Woo! They're gone! They're gone! They're gone for a-whiiile!
--JFK, Terminal 6 departures
Overheard by: wondering if it was his inlaws or his children
Wednesday Wee-Liners
Woman to little girl: You haven't hit puberty yet, so you're still a midget.
--Bloomingdale's
Overheard by: Emily B.
Little pig-tailed girl, pointing: Look, Daddy! It's the dwarf from the OTB!
--Court St
Overheard by: katattack
Man selling books, to lady with kid: Check out these baby carriages! There could be an Al-Qaeda midget or something in there... with a machine gun.
--80th & Broadway
Overheard by: Molly
Chick: You're right! My best friend is gay, and they're worse than midgets!
--55th & 3rd
Dubya's Wednesday One-Liners
Chick to friend about date: ... And I liked him, but I don't want to come on too strong. I need to be don-chalant.
--21st, near 6th Ave
Overheard by: Adam
Coworker on phone: Mom, it's Ducci and Gabanna... Ducci -- it's called Ducci and Gabanna!
--Chinatown
Overheard by: Bailey
Laughing woman: I'ma come back to you -- let you marinate for a while!
--Daffy's, Atlantic Ave
Overheard by: MKB
Angry suit on cell: This isn't the latch-ness monster we're talking about here.
--48th & Park
Overheard by: Sabrina
Woman on cell: They said I ain't speak English good!
--43rd & Lex
Overheard by: Mortuary Megan
Marketing chick on cell, about boss: He was so mean to me! I am not un-articulate!
--23rd St
Overheard by: Ruby
Wednesdays Should Be Seen and Not One-Linered
Kid in stroller, to dad trying on sport coat: You look like a principal!
--Zara, 5th Ave
Overheard by: Rich Mintz
Seven-year-old girl to doorman: I have diarrhea!
--Cornelia St
Two-year-old girl to woman with Froot Loops: You really shouldn't buy that cereal. It's bad for you.
--Duane Reade, UWS
Seven-year-old on cell: Emily, I've been trying to call you, like, three times! Are you still mad at me about... [looks around crowded bus and lowers his voice] ... you know...?
--Shuttle bus, Flushing
Little girl to mom: It's not that I want a pretzel -- I need a pretzel.
--Grand Central
Overheard by: Meagan
Little boy shaking his hips: Tryin' make me go to rehab, I said no, no, no! [Later, to woman behind register] Do you have Rugrats Gone Wild?
--Blockbuster, 10th & Wanamaker Pl
Overheard by: Lily and Rebecca
Wednesday One-Liners Can't Hear a Word You're Saying
Mom to two-year-old bawling in stroller: Adriana, I am not going to argue with you -- you are not getting an iPod!
--14th St, between 5th & 6th Ave
Panhandler: Good morning, ladies and gentlemen. I'm homeless, and I'm hungry. If anyone can help me out with food, something to drink, a spare iPod, a Macy's gift card, or anything else that rhymes with that, I'd appreciate it. I know you're human. We have to help each other out. If you were slaves, I'd free all of you. Even the white people.
--Manhattan-bound A train
Overheard by: courtenay
Mother yelling at misbehaving 11-year-old son: Do you want to be grounded from your iPod this weekend?
--22nd & 3rd
Overheard by: Dave H.
Aerobics instructor: Yeah, I've got everything I need -- I've got an iPod, I've got a boyfriend...
--W 63rd & West End Ave
Overheard by: Suze V
Gay barista with asymmetrically-fashioned hair: Oh, yeah, I had really fancy ear bud headphones, too... But then I dropped them in a puddle of my own vomit on the subway, so now I have cheap ones. Yeah, that sucked.
--Bushwick Ave, East Williamsburg
Old woman pointing at guy's iPod: Excuse me, young man, but what is that?
--Times Square shuttle
Overheard by: goofopet
Wednesday One-Liners for Breakfast and Lunch and a Sensible Dinner
Skinny girl: Okay, just because I only eat every two days doesn't mean I'm anorexic.
--Columbus Circle
Overheard by: rina
Man: I mean, I don't see why people pay so much for weight loss surgery! They should just ask to be put in a coma for a few weeks. That will get rid of the weight.
--Central Park
Father, picking up four-year-old son: Can you say the word 'diet'? Diet. Di-et. Can you say that? Daddy thinks you need one.
--Museum of Natural History
There Still Are, but the Clocks Just Tick Faster
Teen girl #1: I was thinking about Daylight Savings Time yesterday, and I was wondering... When we, like, lose an hour, are there still 24 hours in a day?
Teen girl #2: Hmmm... I don't really know... I guess not...
--2 train
Overheard by: scared for the future of america
He Only Turns on the Psychic Powers If You Sound Pretty
Chick on cell: How long will it be for a cab to Forest Hills?
Deadpan dispatcher: About 15 minutes.
Chick on cell: Ohhh... How long will it be if I call back in half an hour?
Deadpan dispatcher: I can't predict the future, ma'am.
--Kew Gardens, Queens
Overheard by: Stephanie
Right, in the Same Way That Cornell Is "Ivy League"
Slacker #1: Yo, man, where you goin' to college?
Slacker #2: Just a CUNY, man -- Queens College.
Slacker #1: Yo, man, isn't that a borough? Is that Borough College?
Slacker #2: I'm not sure. Yeah, man, maybe. Manhattan College would be 'City college,' right?
--Brooklyn Tech
Overheard by: Ashamed to go to school with them
Well, I'd Say That's Worse Than Being Ignored
Junkie: Hey. Hey. What's with all the ones? Are you a stripper? [Busy guy on phone doesn't reply.] Hey, I'm talking to you! [Busy guy is oblivious, so junkie addresses bar] You know what? Nothing is worse than being ignored! You know what?! I used to fuck guys like him in prison!
--The Nancy Whiskey Pub
Overheard by: Definitely Not Ignoring Him
It's the Lovingly Tended Poo-Crust That Makes It Squeak
Barbie girl: Ugh! This train smells like ass!
Angry black man: Speak fo' yo'self, bitch! My ass is squeaky clean!
--R train
Our Lives on the Shitlist?
Teen girl #1: I have to poop really bad.
Teen girl #2: Oh my god, we should totally have a reality show.
--K-Mart, Astor Pl
Overheard by: Katherine
You're Not Gonna Make Me Throw Up Again
Little boy, singing to his mother: You are the music in me!
Mother: No!
--Rite Aid, 24th & 8th
Overheard by: Just passing through
And the Nice Lady's Watch, If You Can
Lady: Happy Halloween! Where's your goody bag?
Little girl, dressed as Cowardly Lion: I don't want that candy! We're going to buy some. We're going to buy our own!
Dad: Don't be proud, sweetie. Just take the candy.
--130th & Lenox
A Little-Known Coda to the "Green Means Horny" Clause
Hardhat #1: Brown?! You think the color brown is gay?
Hardhat #2: Well, maybe... I mean, maybe not, but yellow -- yellow is gay.
Hardhat #1: You're wearing brown. I'm wearing brown.
Hardhat #2: I meant yellow. Yellow is so gay.
--Washington & Bank St
But I'm Pretty Sure I Wore a Hat Today
Crazy hobo: Give me some money. I lost my hat... I lost my hat!
Old black guy: Yo' mind is what you lost.
Crazy hobo: I lost that years ago.
--6th Ave & Waverly Pl
Overheard by: matthew
Sending Us Back in Time to before It Happens So That I Can Prevent It
Woman #1: Well, maybe it'll be better next time.
Woman #2: No, there ain't gonna be a next time, because if there is a next time, I'm gonna kick you in the head!
--W 4th St
Overheard by: Duncan
She Should Smoke More, So She Dies Faster
Girl: You know, I love sushi, but it's just too much raw fish. And you know how, like, people call pussy raw fish? I guess I'm eating pussy, then? Ha! Would that make me a lesbian?
Friend: You better die.
Girl: Okay, I'll stop smoking crack now.
--7th & 2nd
Overheard by: Keesha Brown
The Only Thing Worse Is the Christians. Oh, Wait...
Pamphleteers: Take this pamphlet -- we swear we aren't fanatics!
Guy: I'm sure you aren't, unlike those Jews for Jesus assholes.
Pamphleteer: We are from Jews for Jesus! [Guy walks away laughing.]
--St. Mark's & 2nd
Overheard by: tired of those pamphlets
Dude, a Chick Who Could Eat Her Own Tuna Would Never Leave the House
Woman: I like tuna, but... you know, like, sometimes the smell's bad.
Queer: Yeah... Especially when it's not your own.
--Bleecker & Crosby
The Deaf Ones
Woman #1: These moving sidewalks are for the birds!
Woman #2: What?
Woman #1: The moving sidewalks are for the birds!
Woman #2: What birds?
--Court Plaza station
Overheard by: Cheryl
No -- Which Is Exactly My Point
Southern lady: Y'know, I hear there's lots of good theater here in New York City.
Friend: Is Cats still playing?
--Times Square
Overheard by: PeggyG.
It's Cute Until She Starts Mutilating Kitties
Little girl, holding herself and shivering: Daddy, Daddy -- my heart is cold!
Father: Your heart is cold?
Little girl: Yes, it's cold!
--Central Park
Overheard by: Lai
You Really Have to Pay a Mule to Do It
Girl #1: I know! I'm always losing mine!
Girl #2: It's a good thing, though, you know, how they come in packs... 'Cause you can just buy a whole pack.
Girl #1: Doesn't it suck when you go to the bathroom in a restaurant and you can't pull it out with your fingers?
Girl #2: Oh, yeah. Totally.
--Fountain at Lincoln Center
Overheard by: what the hell are they talking about??
Or in My Girlfriend's Hoo-Hoo
Jock #1: Man I would be pissed, too, if there was poo-poo in my shoe-shoe.
Jock #2: Yeah, dude. Totally.
--Manhattan College, Bronx
With New Yorkers, That's a Safe Bet
Subway entrepreneur: Excuse me, ladies and gentlemen, sorry for the interruption. I am homeless and in need of your assistance. If you cannot give, I will not make you feel bad. I will accept anything you can give. [Continues for five minutes, ignored.] Ain't nobody gonna give? Y'all just a bunch of cheap-ass motherfuckers! [Disembarks.]
Sincere child: I thought he said he wouldn't make us feel bad.
--Myrtle Ave stop
Overheard by: Confused Commuter
She Appears to Have a Gift for It
Suit #1: Is she a lesbian?
Suit #2: I hope so.
--Grand Central
How Seacrest Saved Britney
Girl: Ugh! Can I hang myself with your tie, please?
Guy: No! I love this tie!
--110th & Manhattan
Overheard by: Chrissy
Headline by: axc
Runners-Up:
· "But Here's a Shoelace. And a Gun. And Some Pills..." - Laura
· "But I'm So Over This Kitchen Knife..." - Rod W
· "It's Hard Getting That "Desparate Chick" Smell Out Of Your Laundry" - Dagre
· "It's Not Like I'm Taking It with Me..." - mo
· "Lives Come and Go, But Argyle Is Forever" - Patrick
· "Use This Noose I Hate." - pbump
Click here to see the new Headline Contest
Might Be the Old Good Hobo/ Crazy Hobo Routine
Crazy hobo: What do you get when you take the lemons out of the lemonade?
Unsuspecting tourist: Um... 'Ade'?
Crazy hobo: No! Sugar water! What do you get when you have an old cowboy?
Friendly hobo: Man, get the fuck outta here, ya fucking weirdo! Leave her the fuck alone!
--Penn Station
Overheard by: Katie
Although You Do Get Pretty Excited When I Just Lie There
Girlfriend: I don't know what's wrong with me lately. I just keep falling asleep at the oddest times. I think I may be suffering from necrophilia.
Boyfriend: I sure hope you mean narcolepsy.
Girlfriend: Oh, yeah. I always get those confused.
Boyfriend: Well, as long as it's only the definitions that you confuse and not the symptoms...
--Grand Central
That Voice in Your Head Needs a Good Talking-To
Bimbette #1: You know when you think something and then a voice in your head is like, 'Yeah, yeah, say that out loud! That would be a good thing to say!' and then you do it and you're like, 'Well, that was a mistake...'?
Bimbette #2: Yeah.
Bimbette #1: Yeah, I think I just did that.
--R train
Not Gay! Not My Bert!
Street vendor to crying old lady clutching a Bert doll: Um, the doll is 15 dollars, ma'am.
--Varick & King
He Could Have Insulted Them Even More by Calling Them "Tourists"
Tourist kid: Look! The Empire State Building!
Tourist mom: Where? I don't see it.
tourist kid: The big, pointy one!
Tourist mom: Oooh, let's take a picture!
Passerby: That's the Chrysler Building, you fucking niggers.
--Outside NYC Public Library
Overheard by: johnny salami
Okay Mr. "All My Friends Have Hair on Their Balls Except Me"
Son: Mom, you need your eyebrows waxed!
Mother: Daniel, you're not supposed to say that!
Son, whining: But you need your eyebrows waxed... You need your eyebrows waxed, you need your eyebrows waxed, you need your eyebrows waxed!
--4 train
I Teach a Class at the Community College on Wednesday Evenings
Dude to female friend: How can a woman be charged with sexual harassment?
Trashy white lady passerby: Wanna find out?
--W 8th & MacDougal
In the Sense That He Got Me Sloshed Enough Not to Care
Girl #1: When I first met my boyfriend, I wasn't that into him.
Girl #2: Yeah, but there wasn't an 11-year age difference between you two!
Girl #1: But he was German! That's comparable!
--40th & Park
Overheard by: Kamilla
We Should Wager a Large Sum of Money on It
Male clerk, singing: ... And one of these days these foots are gonna walk all over you.
Ghetto female clerk: Foots? It's feets.
--19th & Broadway
If You're Gonna Be My Hag, You Have to Entertain Me
Queer: Where'd you lose your voice?
Girl: Oh, no -- I'm sick.
Queer: Oh, you weren't screaming?
Girl: No, I'm just sick.
Queer: Oh, I wish you had, like, a party or something.
--Baruch College, Newman Vertical campus
Does It Come in Flavors?
Teen guy #1: Yo, I was Christmas shopping with Julia and her other friend at Sephora, and they got the weirdest fuckin' gift for Anne.
Teen girl: What was it?
Teen guy #1: Well, we walked into the store, and Julia asked if they sold this cream that you put on your ass that takes away, like, stretch marks and pimples on your ass and shit. It was fuckin' nasty. They got her ass cream.
Teen guy #2: That's fuckin' weird, yo. It's like, 'Oh, Anne, I was thinking of getting you this really nice sweater for Christmas--' '--Forget the sweater! All I want is some Grade A ass cream!'
--Movie theater, Battery Park
Why Go to the Concert?
LI girl #1: God, I am so horny!
LI girl #2: When we get to the concert, we'll find some guys to fuck.
--2 train
Overheard by: Triborough
Now Give Me Your Wallet
Tourist guy: You're from North Carolina. You've got that Southern charm thing going on with the, 'Hey, y'all!'
Tourist chick: Yeah, I'm real damn charming.
--TKTS line
Overheard by: Jess McGins
Slowest One to Finish Their Double Quarter-Pounder with Cheese Buys!
Fat worker #1: This country is pretty fat, huh?
Fat worker #2: Yeah, man, we're the fastest country in America.
--35th St, between 7th & 8th
If I Had to Guess? Two Hits of Mary Jane and a Dozen Donuts
Thin woman: I'm on a hundred and eighty milligrams of meth right now!
Portly man: Oh, man, if only I knew what I was on.
--E 11th St
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