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That Costs Extra
Girl: Yeah, the room in the apartment is only four hundred bucks a month.
Guy: No way! No place in the city is only four hundred a month. You probably have to shit in the bathtub.
--Bainbridge & Malcolm X, Brooklyn
What a Drip
Fat guy: So, you think she's going to dump you?
Skinny guy: Yeah, she doesn't seem to like the gonorrhea. It just keeps coming back!
Fat guy: Well, that's the thing with gonorrhea.
--Walgreens, 18th & 1st
Overheard by: Trying Not To Laugh
Thanks. My Feet Feel Better Now.
20-ish female tourist: My feet are killing me. I shouldn't have worn heels.
20-ish boyfriend: Heels aren't that bad. I wore them and a dress for a play in eighth grade.
20-ish female tourist: My dad loves dressing up as a woman.
--C train, Port Authority
... With a Demonstration
Editor to sales conference: ... And we think this book will do rather well.
Sales rep: One thing -- what's a succubus?
Editor: A succubus is a sex demon. I'm sorry. I should have made that clear.
--Office, 55th & Broadway
The Three Train Is the Anal Train
Traveling students: We want to go to 116th Street -- Columbia -- so we take this train? This Three train?
NY-er: No, that train goes to a bad place. You want the One train.
--96th St station
Tits Have Points
Dude #1: Yo, check it out: this chick in the lecture I was just in -- huge tits, bro.
Dude #2: Yeah?
Dude #1: Yeah. Fucking bombs.
Dude #2: That's it? That's the story? I mean, I like tits, but there's gotta be a point to a story, man.
Dude #1, after long pause: ... Fag.
--Kimmel Center, NYU
Overheard by: that guy
A Real Man Doesn't Refer to Scarlett Johansson as "It"
Queer #1: Well, I walked in and he was doing it in the bathroom again!
Queer #2: That ain't what a man do.
--34th & 6th
Overheard by: girl laughing in front
I Killed a Guy Last Night
Skater dude #1: At that party some girl, like, totally had her period on my shirt.
Skater dude #2: Yeah, man, I know how that is...
--Union Square
And I Haven't Told My Parents about Us Yet
Guy #1: Dude, I was rockin' pink American Apparel briefs and brown pants and pink and brown-striped socks when I hung out with her! Chicks dig that attention to detail, man.
Guy #2: Keep it down, man! You sound like a fucking faggot.
--Whole Foods, 14th St
Overheard by: lil pirate
Unfortunately, They're Attending A NAMBLA Meeting
Dad: How old are you?
Teen boy: Thirteen.
Dad: How old are you?
Mom: You know he's thirteen.
Dad: It says here [gestures to brochure] that if you're eleven or younger, you get in free... How old are you?
Teen boy: Oh. Eleven.
--Roxy Deli
Overheard by: Kelsey
She Has to Talk about Four Other Gross Things and Still Meet Deadline
Mom: Do you need to poop?
Little girl: I don't wanna poop!
Mom: You'll get a treat if you poop.
Little girl: But I don't wanna.
Mom: You either do it or you don't. I don't have all day to talk about poop.
--JFK bathroom stall
Overheard by: plo
Which Would've Been Kinda Nice If It Weren't for the Spurs
Marathon runner: ... And then, next thing I know, my father's cowboy boots are stuck in my butt.
Friend: Really? Wow...
--Lower East Side
Overheard by: lee
Well, a Little Glue, Yarn, a Marker, and Some Buttons, and It Could Be Both
Bimbette, about little boy in wheelchair: Aw, look at him! He's got a little hand puppet!
Friend: Actually, that's a cast.
--Lafayette & East Houston
Overheard by: Kim & Clerr
But the Guilt Presents Will Be Well Worth It
Little girl #1: So, I hear your mom is going to have a baby.
Little girl #2: Oh my god, I know! It's going to totally ruin my social life!
--Bloomingdale Park, Staten Island
NewsFlash: All Mideast Conflict Problems Solved -- All Major Religions Object to Method!
Dude: What happens if we don't get jobs in the fall?
Chick: We bend over and fuck ourselves in the ass with our giant penises.
Dude: Really? What is anal sex gonna solve?
Chick: Anal sex solves everything!
--Queens College
Overheard by: RIes
To Be Fair, There's a Thin Line between a Yarmulke and a Beret
Girl #1: Oy vey.
Girl #2: What's an 'oy vey'?
Girl #1: It's something French people say when they're stressed out.
--Penn Station
Overheard by: bhahah
When You're Hoarse and Buggy
Girl #1: Actually, no. She ate a bug once we got to Lake Michigan -- wind blew it right down her throat.
Girl #2: Oh, no! But bugs have lots of protein, so that's good.
Girl #1: They say that about semen, too, though, so I don't know how much of a comfort that really is.
--Astor Pl
Overheard by: Michelle
On Second Thought, Maybe with Lube
20-ish guy: You could transfer to the two, to the four, to the D...
20-ish girl: I could... I could also stick a glass dildo in my eye, but I don't want to do that, either.
--Rush hour, 1 train, 86th St
Overheard by: Lulu
Well, I Don't Think It's Quite That Cut and Dry
Chick #1: So, I was taking his pants off and I was like, 'Oh my gosh, he's wearing whitey-tighties!' And then I realized they were actually black..
Chick #2: You didn't know already that he was black?!
--Brother Jimmy's BBQ
Overheard by: Joe John
Wait 'Til He Starts Taking Off His Clothes
Hobo: Why did Freddy kill Martin Luther King, Jr.? Because he had a dream!
Suit: It doesn't get much better than this.
--1 train
Overheard by: okredtrain
So His Puppetmasters Would Have Us Believe
Asian chick #1: Don't the Democrats want war?
Asian chick #2: Ummm... What?!
Asian chick #1: Oh... Wait... George Bush is a Republican?!
--Queens College
Overheard by: Sharon Sloan
But I Didn't Even Get to the Part about the Drippy Analingus
Guy who just got empty seat: My day just went from good to great!
Tourist lady: Oh? Why was it good?
Guy: I got to hug my therapist and talk about bogus relationships.
Tourist lady: [Stunned silence.]
Guy: TMI?
Tourist lady: Ummm, yes [giggles nervously and turns away].
--6 train, Grand Central
Overheard by: Christine
Yeah, I Miss Abusing Her
Man #1: It seems my first wife put my name down on a job application as a reference.
Man #2: Oh, yeah? How do you know?
Man #1: Somebody called me yesterday and asked, 'Can you tell us something about her?'
Man #2: What did you say?
Man #1: I said, 'She can't cook and she's lousy in bed! As long as the job don't require that, I guess she'd be good.'
Man #2: What an idiot!
--LIRR
Overheard by: Allison
Of Course! Honking Causes Movement! I See It So Clearly Now
Guy, about honking nearby: Yeah, that's gonna get traffic moving. You just have to honk harder. [More honking.] Yeah, that's the spirit.
--Outside Yankee Stadium
If You Can Find a Way to Kill People with It, the Army Would Be Interested
Hipster guy #1: We've been working on this kind of Flickr thing for cell phones for, like, a month.
Hipster guy #2: That might be kind of cool...
Hipster guy #1: No, it fuckin' sucks. Nobody's gonna use it.
--Chinatown bus
So, of Course, I Had to Make It Go Away
JAP #1: So, I'm outside smoking a cig, right? And there's this guy, like, smoking right across the street. O-M-G... He walks across the street, and, like, stands right in front of me and stares!
JAP #2: Was he cute?!
JAP #1: Ewww! His hard-on was sooo gross!
--Whole Foods, 24th & 6th
And Whose Fault Is That, Mr. "I Have to Cum Inside You"?
Little girl: Daddy, save my seat!
Dad: I can't.
Little girl: Yes, you can -- just put your hand on the seat.
Dad: But then someone might sit on my hand, and they might have a smelly butt, like you.
--1 train
Battle of the Dead White Europeans
Office drone #1: Yo, what ya got in there? That's Mozart, right?
Office drone #2: No, man, it's Beethoven! You got a problem with that?
--9 MetroTech Center
Overheard by: Cap'n MidNite
Save Your Money and Invest It Wisely
Lady facing sign reading "Security": Excuse me -- where can I find security?!
Hapless intern: Um...
--New York-Presbyterian Hospital
Overheard by: i hate hospitals
He Moved Up from the Flour Sack When Potty-Trained
Mom: Where's Billy?
Kid: He's back there, asleep on the toilet paper. [Family looks back and sees Billy resting his head on stack of toilet paper rolls.] Come on, Billy. We've got toilet paper you can sleep on at home.
--Target
Overheard by: Scott
Jesus Doesn't Keep Flecking Our Faces with Spit
Subway preacher, after incoherent rant: So, can I get a 'Hallelujah'? [Passengers silent.] Well, then can I get a 'Thank you, Jesus!'? [Passengers silent.] Okay, then. Now I'm just going to talk to the born-again Christians on this train. Everybody else can ignore me -- just like you're ignoring Jesus!
--4 train
Overheard by: JVM
Like I Did with My First Baby
Guy to manager: I lost my wallet near here, and I was wondering if anyone turned it in?
Crazy lady at copy machine: Maybe you left it in some boy's pants.
--Staples, 56th & Park
She's Not Even All That Pregnant
Guy: She is not a crack whore!
Chick: She's pregnant and she's doing cocaine!
Guy: Well, that's not crack.
--Starbucks
Jesus Will Try Anything to Impress Us These Days
Man: The one time I bought a steak from here I left it out and it turned all brown.
Cashier: Yeah?
Man: Yeah... But then the next time I just put it in my pocket and it stayed good all day.
--D'Agastino
Overheard by: kimmy-yo
Headline by: Gaping MAW
Runners-Up:
· "Don't Ask Where He Keeps the A-1..." - the horologist
· "Gives a Whole New Meaning to Meat-packing" - Gosia
· "He Said, As He Pulled Out His Penis." - Allan
· "I Got a T-Bone in My Pocket with Your Name on It" - Marc Bernard
· "My Crotch Always Has a Chilling Effect" - Rhys Southan
· "Worst Pickup Artist Ever" - smittie
Click here to see the new Headline Contest
If It's a Mugging, You're in Luck!
Conductor: You know what stop this is?
Alabaster college prep: Harlem?
Conductor: Mmm-hm... Hope you find what you're looking for, son.
--125th St station, Harlem
At Least He's Honest
Little girl: Daddy, what's wrong with Chinese people? Why do they never smile?
Dad: It's because they're robots.
Little girl: What about black people? Are black people robots?
Dad: No, not that I'm aware of.
--4 train
Overheard by: Audrey
French Vanilla Means a Regular and a Handjob
LI girl: Wait, where's the milk for the coffee?
Cashier: The sugar's right here.
LI girl: No, I want milk. Don't you have any milk in this whole place? For coffee?
Cashier: No, because you said you want regular.
LI girl: Yeah, regular -- like 'not decaf.'
Cashier: No. Regular is 'no milk.'
LI girl: No. Black is like this -- 'no milk.'
Cashier: No. Black is 'not hazelnut.'
Onlooker: Learn how to order or get out of the way.
--Ess-a Bagel, 21st & 1st
Overheard by: Jackie G
Excuse Me, Can I Bum a Wednesday One-Liner?
Hipster girl on cell: Yeah, we're just gonna smoke some hookah and watch the freshmen. They're really entertaining.
--Columbia University
Hobo exiting trashcan and shooting smoking pedestrian a dirty look: That smells disgusting. Smoking is such a nasty habit! [Stalks off.]
--10th & Broadway
Overheard by: firefry
Lady: ... And she's just the most adorable child! I mean, she has these angelic features and then the voice of a 40-year-old smoker.
--College Walk, Columbia University
Bimbette to friend: They were, like, giving me a bunch of shit since I'm pregnant and still smoking. I was like, 'It only causes low birth weight. What's the big deal?!'
--6 train
Overheard by: Drew
Conductor: A reminder, folks -- no smoking in the restrooms. You know who you are.
--Amtrak to Boston
Annie Oakley's Wednesday One-Liners
Young mom to daughter: Rock, paper, scissors means rock, paper, scissors -- no guns!
--R train, City Hall
Guy on cell: Where are you? It sounds noisy... Where? Oh, Magnolia... Well, just shoot them all before they breed more little cupcake-eating fuckers.
--44th & 8th
Overheard by: Rose Fox
Barker for "Shoot the Freak" carnival game, to biking couple: Hey! You with the bikes! You support alternative modes of transportation, but do you support shooting people in the freakin' head?! Step right up!
--Coney Island
Hipster on cell: You just hate me... No, 'Get shotgun for raccoon' was first on your errands list, and you ignored it!
--N train
Crazy substitute calculus professor: You cannot square infinity. Anyone who tries to square infinity will be shot. That's a promise.
--NYU Silver Center
Not That There's Anything Wrong with Wednesday One-Liners
Queer: So he showed up at the store in a t-shirt and towel and asked for Butt Paste!
--Bryant Park
Overheard by: Rachel P
Queer: I will have no part in making babies!
--Brooklyn-bound A train
Queer to approaching fag hag: Hi! Oh my god, you really do look like a suicide victim!
--Blockheads, 50th & 8th
Overheard by: ashley
Teen queer to friends: Hey! Tell pickle-juice-titties to come on! We gettin' up out this faggot function.
--135th & St. Nicholas Ave
Overheard by: Just Another Harlemite
Queer: When I get bored around two in the morning I start throwing a rubber band ball at the wall. Then I take a cardboard box and use it to keep the ball from hitting me... It's a rush.
--185th & Bennett
Overheard by: LSB
Wednesday One-Liners Can Too Carry a Tune in a Bucket!
Drunk guy singing along to "If You Leave Me Now": Up your ass, up your ass!
--M2M, 11th & 3rd
Overheard by: Lillian
Over conductor's mic, to tune of Soulja Boy's "Crank Dat": Super suck my dick! Super suck my dick! Bitch!
--1 train, 96th St
Overheard by: Ruby
Bag lady, singing: If you're happy and you know it, show your butt cheeks!
--23rd & 2nd
Man, singing: How sweet it is to be loved by... your monkey, monkey, monkey.
--A train, 207th St station
Overheard by: Cat
Man getting into car, clapping hands over head and singing: Woo! They're gone! They're gone! They're gone for a-whiiile!
--JFK, Terminal 6 departures
Overheard by: wondering if it was his inlaws or his children
Wednesday Wee-Liners
Woman to little girl: You haven't hit puberty yet, so you're still a midget.
--Bloomingdale's
Overheard by: Emily B.
Little pig-tailed girl, pointing: Look, Daddy! It's the dwarf from the OTB!
--Court St
Overheard by: katattack
Man selling books, to lady with kid: Check out these baby carriages! There could be an Al-Qaeda midget or something in there... with a machine gun.
--80th & Broadway
Overheard by: Molly
Chick: You're right! My best friend is gay, and they're worse than midgets!
--55th & 3rd
Dubya's Wednesday One-Liners
Chick to friend about date: ... And I liked him, but I don't want to come on too strong. I need to be don-chalant.
--21st, near 6th Ave
Overheard by: Adam
Coworker on phone: Mom, it's Ducci and Gabanna... Ducci -- it's called Ducci and Gabanna!
--Chinatown
Overheard by: Bailey
Laughing woman: I'ma come back to you -- let you marinate for a while!
--Daffy's, Atlantic Ave
Overheard by: MKB
Angry suit on cell: This isn't the latch-ness monster we're talking about here.
--48th & Park
Overheard by: Sabrina
Woman on cell: They said I ain't speak English good!
--43rd & Lex
Overheard by: Mortuary Megan
Marketing chick on cell, about boss: He was so mean to me! I am not un-articulate!
--23rd St
Overheard by: Ruby
Wednesdays Should Be Seen and Not One-Linered
Kid in stroller, to dad trying on sport coat: You look like a principal!
--Zara, 5th Ave
Overheard by: Rich Mintz
Seven-year-old girl to doorman: I have diarrhea!
--Cornelia St
Two-year-old girl to woman with Froot Loops: You really shouldn't buy that cereal. It's bad for you.
--Duane Reade, UWS
Seven-year-old on cell: Emily, I've been trying to call you, like, three times! Are you still mad at me about... [looks around crowded bus and lowers his voice] ... you know...?
--Shuttle bus, Flushing
Little girl to mom: It's not that I want a pretzel -- I need a pretzel.
--Grand Central
Overheard by: Meagan
Little boy shaking his hips: Tryin' make me go to rehab, I said no, no, no! [Later, to woman behind register] Do you have Rugrats Gone Wild?
--Blockbuster, 10th & Wanamaker Pl
Overheard by: Lily and Rebecca
Wednesday One-Liners Can't Hear a Word You're Saying
Mom to two-year-old bawling in stroller: Adriana, I am not going to argue with you -- you are not getting an iPod!
--14th St, between 5th & 6th Ave
Panhandler: Good morning, ladies and gentlemen. I'm homeless, and I'm hungry. If anyone can help me out with food, something to drink, a spare iPod, a Macy's gift card, or anything else that rhymes with that, I'd appreciate it. I know you're human. We have to help each other out. If you were slaves, I'd free all of you. Even the white people.
--Manhattan-bound A train
Overheard by: courtenay
Mother yelling at misbehaving 11-year-old son: Do you want to be grounded from your iPod this weekend?
--22nd & 3rd
Overheard by: Dave H.
Aerobics instructor: Yeah, I've got everything I need -- I've got an iPod, I've got a boyfriend...
--W 63rd & West End Ave
Overheard by: Suze V
Gay barista with asymmetrically-fashioned hair: Oh, yeah, I had really fancy ear bud headphones, too... But then I dropped them in a puddle of my own vomit on the subway, so now I have cheap ones. Yeah, that sucked.
--Bushwick Ave, East Williamsburg
Old woman pointing at guy's iPod: Excuse me, young man, but what is that?
--Times Square shuttle
Overheard by: goofopet
Wednesday One-Liners for Breakfast and Lunch and a Sensible Dinner
Skinny girl: Okay, just because I only eat every two days doesn't mean I'm anorexic.
--Columbus Circle
Overheard by: rina
Man: I mean, I don't see why people pay so much for weight loss surgery! They should just ask to be put in a coma for a few weeks. That will get rid of the weight.
--Central Park
Father, picking up four-year-old son: Can you say the word 'diet'? Diet. Di-et. Can you say that? Daddy thinks you need one.
--Museum of Natural History