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If You Really Want to Be a New Yorker, Stand Right in Front of That Big, Speeding Bus
Girl #1 after crossing street during "Don't Walk" sign: Oooh, I'm like a New York City resident!
Girl #2: Why? Because you walked into oncoming traffic?
Girl #1: That's what they do!
--8th & Broadway
So, What, a Connecting Flight to Maryland?
Woman #1: I was supposed to go to Detroit tonight.
Woman #2: How far is that?
Woman #3: Eight hours, right? 'Cause it's, like, eight hours to Miami.
Woman #1: But Detroit's in Chicago, not Florida.
Woman #3: Oh, yeah.
--Bowery
Jingleheimer Schmidt Is Especially Kinky
Chick on cell: Oh, I have a few Johns. [To guy friend next to her, who laughs] Oh, shut up! [Into cell] No, but really, I do.
--Harlem
Overheard by: Nik
In Real Life, the Ogre Never Gets the Princess
Tiny lady suit staring at stairs, to no one in particular: I wish someone would just carry me up...
Huge, burly guy: I'll carry you.
Tiny lady suit: Ew! Gross!
--E station, 7th Ave
Is He Having a Coat Hanger Sale?
Latino #1: My wife's been sick lately.
Latino #2: Hope she ain't pregnant.
Latino #1: If she's pregnant, I'm callin' Maury Povich!
--Dallas BBQ, St. Mark's Pl
Isn't Being Killed by Naked Boy Tumors Kinda... Gay?
Chick #1: Wait, how many tumors does he have?
Chick #2: A bunch. They all have names, too. Jeff, Tom, Bill... I can't remember the rest, but they're names like that.
Chick #1: No girl tumors?
Guy: He doesn't want his death to be caused by girls.
Chick #1: What about transvestites?
Guy: No, they don't wear clothes.
Chick #1: Transvestites?
Guy: No, tumors.
--Bronx Science
Overheard by: LSB
Then I Get Tricked into Reading Them, and... Ick!
Pretentious daughter: Oh my god, you know what I really hate? When they, like, put the movie characters on the covers of books.
Pretentious mother: Oh my god, me too!
--Starbucks, 111th St
Overheard by: the cashier
Is Anything More Fun Than Shocking the Prudish?
Drunk girl #1: Have you let him cross the border?
Sober girl: W-what?
Drunk girl #2: You have, haven't you?!
Sober girl: I don't even know what 'cross the border' means...
Drunk girl #2: It means in the butt!
Drunk girl #1: C'mon, girl, let him cross it! Give that man citizenship!
--Lafayette & White
Overheard by: meanstreet
Oliver Twist: 2006
Dad, sternly: Do you have money? [Three-year-old looks at him, almost in tears, and barely shakes his head.] If you don't have money, how are we going to get McDonald's?
--Wyckoff Ave
Overheard by: thankful I don't have to deprive my non-existent kid
That's the "Big Three" of Medication, All Right
Little grandson: Yo! He gonna go get some dicks!
Ghetto grandma: Where you learn to talk like? [To other passengers] I'm sorry. He needs his medication.
Little grandson: Dicks! Bitch! Coca-Cola!
--N train
Overheard by: CarrieBoo
Maybe You Haven't
Girlfriend: I was so sick yesterday until I finally went to the doctor.
Boyfriend: Oh, no! What was wrong?
Girlfriend: Well, um, you'll find out anyway... I had a UTI. I mean, it's not an STD, but you can get it from sex...
Boyfriend: But we haven't been doing it that much!
--1 train
The Circle of Life, Apparently
Pre-teen girl on bike #1: Why don't we go into that building and wait, and then go around the circle and get in trouble again?
Pre-teen girl on bike #2: Okay.
--Washington Square Park
Actually, That's Just the Way His Hair Grows, You Insensitive Bitch
Woman to man in Yankees hat: Do you know if the Yankees won today?
Man: Sorry, you're talking to the wrong guy. I don't follow sports.
Woman to man in Yankees hat: ... So you just wear the hat, then?
--2 train
Overheard by: Caty
When I Was Little, a Raisin Killed My Parents
Dude: ... And they put, like, these cranberry raisins in it.
Chick: I don't like raisins.
Dude: No, but like, they don't taste like raisins -- they're totally cranberries.
Chick: I really hate raisins, though.
--Cosi, 13th & Broadway
Overheard by: Dani
Where the Rubber Meets the Road, If You Like
Loud chick, on coming out of the closet: I have a lot of gay guy friends, and they all went through the same thing. Well, almost the same -- 'I'm different,' then, 'I'm bisexual,' then, 'I only like Asian women,' then, finally, 'I'm gay!'
Asian classmate: So, we're the last pit stop before gay, now?
--Maimonides Hospital, Brooklyn
Overheard by: Ace Montana
I Get So Profane after My Third Scotch
Six-year-old boy #1: ... And I was like, 'Fucking lawyers!'
Six-year-old boy #2: Yeah!
--96th & CPW
Overheard by: after your alimony, are they?
Strictly Speaking, Only Oklahoma Is "OK"
Man: So, how was Missouri?
Woman: I was in Vermont.
Man: How was Vermont?
Woman: It was okay.
Man: Was it?
--1166 6th Ave
Overheard by: Duncan Pflaster
She Unilaterally Invoked the Babe Discount
Dude: You just paid 12 dollars for a 15-dollar cab.
Chick: Shit, I forgot to tip.
--Worth & Church St
Who Wants to See a Horror Movie Where No One Dies?
Hipster, after a preview: Why would anyone want to see that? There's no white people in it.
Girlfriend: Shhh!
Hipster: What?
--Landmark Sunshine Cinema, E Houston
It Affects All Races in a Similar Fashion
Black girl: Girl, you tell a nigga you wanna give him pussy and it, like-- He go outrageous!
Friend: Mmm-hm.
--Brooklyn
Overheard by: M-City
Mr. Toad's Wild Ride Can Get Pretty Romantic
First year law student: Don't you think Disney World is romantic?
Second year law student: Anything can be romantic.
First year law student: Yes, anything can be romantic... if you're on the right drugs.
--Cardozo Law School
Overheard by: Ronaldo
Only If the White Girl Turns Out to Be a Man
A scuffle ensues during which a white girl pulls off a bald woman's wig.
Bald woman: Whatever, bitch -- you just got taken down by a cancer survivor! Where did my wig go? Told that bitch not to fuck with me...!
White girl, on floor: You trashy bitch.
Guy passerby: Oh, shit, it's like real-life Jerry Springer!
--6 train, 96th St
Still Taking Adolessons
Bimbette #1: I don't want to grow up. The real world is scary.
Bimbette #2: Yeah... Puberty sucks.
Bimbette #1: Ummm, I don't know about you, but I'm pretty sure puberty is done when you're, like, fifteen. We're 18 now...
Bimbette #2: Oh. Well, maybe I'm a late bloomer.
--UES
Overheard by: Allie
So Anyway, Dad's Birthday Is Coming Up Soon
Girl #1: I woke up the next morning and felt awful. There's a word for it -- 'trench-mouth,' I think it is.
Girl #2: Gross.
Girl #1: Yeah, and then he started to call me. I think he liked me... And I was like, 'Ew, I hate you.'
--Kudo Beans, 1st & 3rd
Overheard by: Ken
Hopefully Nowhere Inconvenient for Pedestrians
Hobo #1: Hey, man! I thought you were dead!
Hobo #2: Dead where?
--Washington Square Park
Why the Bush Administration Issues Peppermints
Bimbette #1: Do you have sucking candy?
Bimbette #2: No, but I have gum.
Bimbette #1: I don't want gum -- I don't want to chew and use my brain.
--LIRR
Overheard by: pbq
I Share Their Utilitarian Philosophy, Especially Regarding Titties
Girl cooing at boyfriend: You know, I just wanted a mature guy -- they're so rare! And you're very mature in your outlook.
Boyfriend: I am mature. I'm glad you see th-- Oh, look -- Playboy Enterprises!
--5th Ave
A Gay Man Told Her about "Killer Shorts"
Blonde: So, where'd y'all go on vacation?
Brunette: Bermuda.
Blonde: And y'all came back alive?!
--Union Square
Not Yet, There Aren't
Vendor: Want to try a sample?
Girl: Sure. What are they?
Vendor: Vegan pineapple-upside-down cake.
Girl, taking two: I love vegans!
Vendor: No, wait -- there aren't any vegans in the cake...
--Whole Foods
Overheard by: djingo
Ophelia Yielded to Peer Pressure So Quickly, She Had to be Revived
Drunk chick to passing jogger: Hey! Stop running! It makes me feel bad about myself!
--Outside Jake's Dilemma, 81st & Amsterdam
Overheard by: Emily
But My Bench Press Is Up 50 Pounds!
Girl #1: Are you going to call me on my birthday? Huh? Huh?
Girl #2: What is it, the 23rd?
Girl #1: No!
Girl #2: Oh, the 24th.
Girl #1: Yeah.. If my friends don't blindfold me and get me wasted...
Girl #2: Oh... Yeah, I will call you. Listen, I'm sorry I'm not more chatty. I just got out of the hospital and the doctors put me on steroids, which have the unfortunate effect of turning me into a total cunt.
--Olive Garden, Times Square
Constipates Anonymous Meeting
Dude: Sorry I couldn't make it Friday night. I heard it was quite a doody.
Chick: Yeah, it was so good that everyone shit their pants.
--32nd & 7th
This Urn of Scalding Decaf Says You Are Mistaken
Waiter: Excuse me, sir -- can you finish up your coffee? We're closing.
Customer: What do you mean? It's only 10:30! You close at eleven.
Waiter: Well, we changed the hours, and we now close at 10:30.
Customer: Well, last time I checked, I am a customer and I am right about a lot of stuff, and I say you close at eleven.
--Coffee shop, 20th & 1st
Overheard by: PJ
I Went to NYC and All I Got Was This Rash
Drunk tourist flirt: It was verrry nice meeting you all, and I hope to see you all again real soon! [Shakes hands with local teens, then leaves.]
Local teen, to friends: Yo, she wanna fuck e'rybody!
--4 train
Overheard by: Not Me
Headline by: VeggieGirl
Runners-Up:
· "As If We Need to Import That or Something" - gib
· "I Went to NY and All I Got Was Bukkake" - Ken H.
· "Reader Survey: Britney, Paris, or Lindsey? Vote Now!" - Fleetline
· "She Ran Out Of Folks to Fuck Back in Iowa." - Redneck Jedi
· "Southern Hospitality Is the Shizzle" - The Heiress
Click here to see the new Headline Contest
Why They Make Children's Chewable Lithium
Three-year-old boy: One of my friends died.
Mom: Wait -- what?!
Three-year-old boy: Yeah, one of my best friends died in a car crash when your friend died in a car crash.
Mom: Huh?
Three-year-old boy: Yes, we were flying in a plane and suddenly another plane came from behind and crashed into us. I ran away, but she got hurt. And died.
Mom: What? Huh?
Three-year-old boy: I'll tell you more later... These trains have ears.
--6 train
Overheard by: impressed with todays youth
... Without the Ball-Gag.
Middle-aged man: I like these hats they're selling. Oh, look at the one on her head! That looks warm.
Forlorn wife: That's her real hair. She has dreadlocks.
Middle-aged man: Oh, my! You can't take me anywhere.
--Union Square
Overheard by: Dizzle
He Knows
Punk girl: The two of you seemed to get along at the party.
Mechanic guy: Yeah, he's cool. We should hang out more.
Punk girl: You're kidding, right? You're so not getting all BFF with my husband.
Mechanic guy: Why not? Because we're fucking? He has no idea.
Punk girl: My husband and my side fuck can not be friends. It just doesn't work.
--W train
Overheard by: green with envy
Open Wide, Wednesday One-Liners!
Big black church lady heading into storefront ministry: It is against the law to suck dick on the street!
--Cypress Hills, Brooklyn
Overheard by: punkee
Ex-frat boy: What if I put a wig on? Would you let me go down on you? Remind you of your college days?
--Goodbye Blue Monday, Bushwick
Student: Baby, baby, baby -- I swear to God, yo -- swallowing prevents breast cancer and shit.
--Outside Midtown High
Woman: Blowjobs for ludes is a win-win situation.
--Columbia University
Overheard by: Ladle
Dressy lady: I would blow that Kermit parade float.
--Tavern on the Green
Candy-Apple Red Slingback Wednesday One-Liners
Man to friend with horse and carriage: Last week I was a cripple... Then I got these sneakers!
--6th Ave & Central Park South
Boy: ... And then he said I was wearin' my mama's sneakers, and I said, 'That's a lie! Of all the sneakers that both my mom and I have, there are two separate pairs of each! One for me and one for her! They just look a lot alike.'
--Key Foods, Lincoln Pl & Washington Ave, Brooklyn
Overheard by: Michael O'Connor
Yuppie to another: They're not only taking his money, they're going after his wife's shoes!
--Equinox, Lexington Ave
Overheard by: wolf
Plump European woman: I still think of her... She doesn't believe in shoes.
--Gemini Diner, 33rd & 2nd
Overheard by: Dasha
Girl: If I don't get the Tory Burch flats, I'm going to cut someone.
--"7th on Sale" Sample Sale
Pepé Le Pew's Scentimental Wednesday One-Liners
Hobo: Hey, ladies. [Girls giggle.] You smell so good -- like Campbell's soup!
--10th & Broadway
Overheard by: Emily
Man on cell: You tell your smelly sisters that they have to shower tonight.
--39th & 5th
Queer hipster to fag hag: Oh my god, his placenta stank!
--N train
Overheard by: Lauren
Chick to friend: Shut up, or I'll sniff you in a minute!
--Central Park
JAP: Ew, like -- I like, washed my hair, like, this morning... Why does it, like, smell? Ewww... That's sooo bimmey!
--1 train
Chipper thugette: I smell pussy!
--L train, Bedford stop
Give Me Fifty CCs of Wednesday One-Liners, Stat!
Drunk girl: As it turns out, while I was away on vacation my husband had a vasectomy without me knowing about it...
--12th & 5th, Park Slope
Dressy guy: Instead of having my colonoscopy today, I think I'll go to Valentine's with you.
--3rd & LaGuardia
Woman on cell: So yeah, the surgery went great, and they saved my ovary. Yay! What? Of course I'm still on the pill! Do you think I actually want to use it?
--Grand Central
Overheard by: E
Guy on cell: Yeah, she said it was a cyst and that I probably shouldn't have tried to perform surgery on myself.
--26th & Park Ave South
Overheard by: Rose Fox
NYU queer: So, are you getting some kind of penis enlargement today, or what?
--Waverly & University
The Scandalous Scanties of Wednesday One-Liners
Blonde on cell: I'm totally excited about getting out of the city and camping for the weekend... Yeah... Yeah... No, I packed like six pairs of underwear -- there's no way I'm going to run out like last time.
--F train
Overheard by: only in NYC
JAP: Yeah, I lost my underwear there last night.
--50th & 6th
80-year-old man on cell: I'm over in the lingerie department. I'm touching all the panties.
--Macy's, Herald Square
Overheard by: Kate Melvin
Drunk chick: She doesn't even wear a thong! It's like she's a dude or some shit.
--W 10th & Hudson
Middle-aged man: So tell me, how do I unhook a bra?
--Brooklyn Bridge
Overheard by: Walking the bridge
These Wednesday One-Liners Will Self-Destruct in Five Seconds
Southern tourist: ... And, like, we all came all the way to the city, and there's a bomb threat? I mean, we even made reservations!
--78th & Broadway
Guy to chick: Take Albert Einstein, for instance. He was a small guy, and he built the atomic bomb... And he nuked Japan with it.
--116th & Broadway
Overheard by: Chelsea
Mom to child as he fashions a bomb out of clay: Tyler, this is a non-violent birthday party!
--Central Park
Overheard by: Wondering what a violent one is like
Substitute chemistry teacher: Okay, let's get a little sex appeal in here... Who knows how to make a hydrogen bomb?
--Stuyvesant High
Morally outraged thugette: He mess with the wrooong girl! I will blow this whole train up!
--G train
Overheard by: sarah
Professor: ... And in next week's class -- how to build a nuclear bomb!
--Fordham University
Overheard by: Sromeo
Wednesday One-Liners' Anatomy
Fat Latina: I remember just squatting over her and stuffing it in her face.
--36th & Park
Overheard by: Confabulation Nation
Guy: It's not the eyes in the back of the head, it the lack of a nose in the back of the head that's the problem.
--N train
Overheard by: sara n.
Chick: My ovaries popped, and he's giving me shit for it.
--Queens Blvd & Continental Ave
Overheard by: Jacquie
Guy on cell: They need new feet... I don't know, to walk on!
--7th & 4th, Brooklyn
Chick: A uterus seems like a fun place to be!
--57th & 2nd
Overheard by: Sally S.
Man on cell: Baby, you are the only one who has seen my body! You are the only one who has seen my body!
--14th & 3rd
Overheard by: bildita
Chipper, early-20s redhead to blonde: Open your ears, woman! Do I have to use my tail?!
--116th & Broadway
Wednesday One-Liners Are All Over the Map
Lesbian: Bitch, you better shut the fuck up before I go Park Slope on your ass!
--1 train
Aging khaki preppy: That's Strawberry Fields? It looks so... East side.
--Strawberry Fields
Overheard by: turd on the run
Lady tourist: A gay bar -- I think it was in Chelsea. Is there a gay bar in Chelsea?
--Metro-North Riverdale station
History buff: Before taxis, there was no Upper West Side.
--12th & 1st
Lady: It's sort of an ugly day today in Williamsburg. Other days it's like ripe fruit hanging from the man tree...
--McCarren Park
Queer: This is Chelsea. There's cum on the floor everywhere!
--19th & 8th
Overheard by: Prem
Wednesday One-Liners Prefer Omaha
Tourist: I don't like this train line. On the L line they have benches so that you can kneel down and pray... And they don't have crevices digging into your ass and shit.
--1 train
Tourist girl: Let's go to the Upper Wet Side.
--Palace Theatre, Broadway
Tourist: You haven't been raped and stabbed 'til you've been raped and stabbed in New York.
--Central Park
Dude with huge backpack, clutching a map: Sometimes you just don't want to see a huge ball of twine, y'know? It's, like, 200 miles away. [Guy next to him nods head vigorously.]
--Manhattan-bound L train
Middle-aged tourist on cell: No, we gotta go to Penn Central. Trust me, I know this place -- we gotta get to Penn Central.
--Penn Station