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If You Really Want to Be a New Yorker, Stand Right in Front of That Big, Speeding Bus
Girl #1 after crossing street during "Don't Walk" sign: Oooh, I'm like a New York City resident!
Girl #2: Why? Because you walked into oncoming traffic?
Girl #1: That's what they do!
--8th & Broadway
So, What, a Connecting Flight to Maryland?
Woman #1: I was supposed to go to Detroit tonight.
Woman #2: How far is that?
Woman #3: Eight hours, right? 'Cause it's, like, eight hours to Miami.
Woman #1: But Detroit's in Chicago, not Florida.
Woman #3: Oh, yeah.
--Bowery
Jingleheimer Schmidt Is Especially Kinky
Chick on cell: Oh, I have a few Johns. [To guy friend next to her, who laughs] Oh, shut up! [Into cell] No, but really, I do.
--Harlem
Overheard by: Nik
In Real Life, the Ogre Never Gets the Princess
Tiny lady suit staring at stairs, to no one in particular: I wish someone would just carry me up...
Huge, burly guy: I'll carry you.
Tiny lady suit: Ew! Gross!
--E station, 7th Ave
Is He Having a Coat Hanger Sale?
Latino #1: My wife's been sick lately.
Latino #2: Hope she ain't pregnant.
Latino #1: If she's pregnant, I'm callin' Maury Povich!
--Dallas BBQ, St. Mark's Pl
Isn't Being Killed by Naked Boy Tumors Kinda... Gay?
Chick #1: Wait, how many tumors does he have?
Chick #2: A bunch. They all have names, too. Jeff, Tom, Bill... I can't remember the rest, but they're names like that.
Chick #1: No girl tumors?
Guy: He doesn't want his death to be caused by girls.
Chick #1: What about transvestites?
Guy: No, they don't wear clothes.
Chick #1: Transvestites?
Guy: No, tumors.
--Bronx Science
Overheard by: LSB
Then I Get Tricked into Reading Them, and... Ick!
Pretentious daughter: Oh my god, you know what I really hate? When they, like, put the movie characters on the covers of books.
Pretentious mother: Oh my god, me too!
--Starbucks, 111th St
Overheard by: the cashier
Is Anything More Fun Than Shocking the Prudish?
Drunk girl #1: Have you let him cross the border?
Sober girl: W-what?
Drunk girl #2: You have, haven't you?!
Sober girl: I don't even know what 'cross the border' means...
Drunk girl #2: It means in the butt!
Drunk girl #1: C'mon, girl, let him cross it! Give that man citizenship!
--Lafayette & White
Overheard by: meanstreet
Oliver Twist: 2006
Dad, sternly: Do you have money? [Three-year-old looks at him, almost in tears, and barely shakes his head.] If you don't have money, how are we going to get McDonald's?
--Wyckoff Ave
Overheard by: thankful I don't have to deprive my non-existent kid
That's the "Big Three" of Medication, All Right
Little grandson: Yo! He gonna go get some dicks!
Ghetto grandma: Where you learn to talk like? [To other passengers] I'm sorry. He needs his medication.
Little grandson: Dicks! Bitch! Coca-Cola!
--N train
Overheard by: CarrieBoo
Maybe You Haven't
Girlfriend: I was so sick yesterday until I finally went to the doctor.
Boyfriend: Oh, no! What was wrong?
Girlfriend: Well, um, you'll find out anyway... I had a UTI. I mean, it's not an STD, but you can get it from sex...
Boyfriend: But we haven't been doing it that much!
--1 train
The Circle of Life, Apparently
Pre-teen girl on bike #1: Why don't we go into that building and wait, and then go around the circle and get in trouble again?
Pre-teen girl on bike #2: Okay.
--Washington Square Park
Actually, That's Just the Way His Hair Grows, You Insensitive Bitch
Woman to man in Yankees hat: Do you know if the Yankees won today?
Man: Sorry, you're talking to the wrong guy. I don't follow sports.
Woman to man in Yankees hat: ... So you just wear the hat, then?
--2 train
Overheard by: Caty
When I Was Little, a Raisin Killed My Parents
Dude: ... And they put, like, these cranberry raisins in it.
Chick: I don't like raisins.
Dude: No, but like, they don't taste like raisins -- they're totally cranberries.
Chick: I really hate raisins, though.
--Cosi, 13th & Broadway
Overheard by: Dani
Where the Rubber Meets the Road, If You Like
Loud chick, on coming out of the closet: I have a lot of gay guy friends, and they all went through the same thing. Well, almost the same -- 'I'm different,' then, 'I'm bisexual,' then, 'I only like Asian women,' then, finally, 'I'm gay!'
Asian classmate: So, we're the last pit stop before gay, now?
--Maimonides Hospital, Brooklyn
Overheard by: Ace Montana
I Get So Profane after My Third Scotch
Six-year-old boy #1: ... And I was like, 'Fucking lawyers!'
Six-year-old boy #2: Yeah!
--96th & CPW
Overheard by: after your alimony, are they?
Strictly Speaking, Only Oklahoma Is "OK"
Man: So, how was Missouri?
Woman: I was in Vermont.
Man: How was Vermont?
Woman: It was okay.
Man: Was it?
--1166 6th Ave
Overheard by: Duncan Pflaster
She Unilaterally Invoked the Babe Discount
Dude: You just paid 12 dollars for a 15-dollar cab.
Chick: Shit, I forgot to tip.
--Worth & Church St
Who Wants to See a Horror Movie Where No One Dies?
Hipster, after a preview: Why would anyone want to see that? There's no white people in it.
Girlfriend: Shhh!
Hipster: What?
--Landmark Sunshine Cinema, E Houston
It Affects All Races in a Similar Fashion
Black girl: Girl, you tell a nigga you wanna give him pussy and it, like-- He go outrageous!
Friend: Mmm-hm.
--Brooklyn
Overheard by: M-City
Mr. Toad's Wild Ride Can Get Pretty Romantic
First year law student: Don't you think Disney World is romantic?
Second year law student: Anything can be romantic.
First year law student: Yes, anything can be romantic... if you're on the right drugs.
--Cardozo Law School
Overheard by: Ronaldo
Only If the White Girl Turns Out to Be a Man
A scuffle ensues during which a white girl pulls off a bald woman's wig.
Bald woman: Whatever, bitch -- you just got taken down by a cancer survivor! Where did my wig go? Told that bitch not to fuck with me...!
White girl, on floor: You trashy bitch.
Guy passerby: Oh, shit, it's like real-life Jerry Springer!
--6 train, 96th St
Still Taking Adolessons
Bimbette #1: I don't want to grow up. The real world is scary.
Bimbette #2: Yeah... Puberty sucks.
Bimbette #1: Ummm, I don't know about you, but I'm pretty sure puberty is done when you're, like, fifteen. We're 18 now...
Bimbette #2: Oh. Well, maybe I'm a late bloomer.
--UES
Overheard by: Allie
So Anyway, Dad's Birthday Is Coming Up Soon
Girl #1: I woke up the next morning and felt awful. There's a word for it -- 'trench-mouth,' I think it is.
Girl #2: Gross.
Girl #1: Yeah, and then he started to call me. I think he liked me... And I was like, 'Ew, I hate you.'
--Kudo Beans, 1st & 3rd
Overheard by: Ken
Hopefully Nowhere Inconvenient for Pedestrians
Hobo #1: Hey, man! I thought you were dead!
Hobo #2: Dead where?
--Washington Square Park
Why the Bush Administration Issues Peppermints
Bimbette #1: Do you have sucking candy?
Bimbette #2: No, but I have gum.
Bimbette #1: I don't want gum -- I don't want to chew and use my brain.
--LIRR
Overheard by: pbq
I Share Their Utilitarian Philosophy, Especially Regarding Titties
Girl cooing at boyfriend: You know, I just wanted a mature guy -- they're so rare! And you're very mature in your outlook.
Boyfriend: I am mature. I'm glad you see th-- Oh, look -- Playboy Enterprises!
--5th Ave
A Gay Man Told Her about "Killer Shorts"
Blonde: So, where'd y'all go on vacation?
Brunette: Bermuda.
Blonde: And y'all came back alive?!
--Union Square
Not Yet, There Aren't
Vendor: Want to try a sample?
Girl: Sure. What are they?
Vendor: Vegan pineapple-upside-down cake.
Girl, taking two: I love vegans!
Vendor: No, wait -- there aren't any vegans in the cake...
--Whole Foods
Overheard by: djingo
Ophelia Yielded to Peer Pressure So Quickly, She Had to be Revived
Drunk chick to passing jogger: Hey! Stop running! It makes me feel bad about myself!
--Outside Jake's Dilemma, 81st & Amsterdam
Overheard by: Emily
But My Bench Press Is Up 50 Pounds!
Girl #1: Are you going to call me on my birthday? Huh? Huh?
Girl #2: What is it, the 23rd?
Girl #1: No!
Girl #2: Oh, the 24th.
Girl #1: Yeah.. If my friends don't blindfold me and get me wasted...
Girl #2: Oh... Yeah, I will call you. Listen, I'm sorry I'm not more chatty. I just got out of the hospital and the doctors put me on steroids, which have the unfortunate effect of turning me into a total cunt.
--Olive Garden, Times Square
Constipates Anonymous Meeting
Dude: Sorry I couldn't make it Friday night. I heard it was quite a doody.
Chick: Yeah, it was so good that everyone shit their pants.
--32nd & 7th
This Urn of Scalding Decaf Says You Are Mistaken
Waiter: Excuse me, sir -- can you finish up your coffee? We're closing.
Customer: What do you mean? It's only 10:30! You close at eleven.
Waiter: Well, we changed the hours, and we now close at 10:30.
Customer: Well, last time I checked, I am a customer and I am right about a lot of stuff, and I say you close at eleven.
--Coffee shop, 20th & 1st
Overheard by: PJ
I Went to NYC and All I Got Was This Rash
Drunk tourist flirt: It was verrry nice meeting you all, and I hope to see you all again real soon! [Shakes hands with local teens, then leaves.]
Local teen, to friends: Yo, she wanna fuck e'rybody!
--4 train
Overheard by: Not Me
Headline by: VeggieGirl
Runners-Up:
· "As If We Need to Import That or Something" - gib
· "I Went to NY and All I Got Was Bukkake" - Ken H.
· "Reader Survey: Britney, Paris, or Lindsey? Vote Now!" - Fleetline
· "She Ran Out Of Folks to Fuck Back in Iowa." - Redneck Jedi
· "Southern Hospitality Is the Shizzle" - The Heiress
Click here to see the new Headline Contest
Why They Make Children's Chewable Lithium
Three-year-old boy: One of my friends died.
Mom: Wait -- what?!
Three-year-old boy: Yeah, one of my best friends died in a car crash when your friend died in a car crash.
Mom: Huh?
Three-year-old boy: Yes, we were flying in a plane and suddenly another plane came from behind and crashed into us. I ran away, but she got hurt. And died.
Mom: What? Huh?
Three-year-old boy: I'll tell you more later... These trains have ears.
--6 train
Overheard by: impressed with todays youth
... Without the Ball-Gag.
Middle-aged man: I like these hats they're selling. Oh, look at the one on her head! That looks warm.
Forlorn wife: That's her real hair. She has dreadlocks.
Middle-aged man: Oh, my! You can't take me anywhere.
--Union Square
Overheard by: Dizzle
He Knows
Punk girl: The two of you seemed to get along at the party.
Mechanic guy: Yeah, he's cool. We should hang out more.
Punk girl: You're kidding, right? You're so not getting all BFF with my husband.
Mechanic guy: Why not? Because we're fucking? He has no idea.
Punk girl: My husband and my side fuck can not be friends. It just doesn't work.
--W train
Overheard by: green with envy
Open Wide, Wednesday One-Liners!
Big black church lady heading into storefront ministry: It is against the law to suck dick on the street!
--Cypress Hills, Brooklyn
Overheard by: punkee
Ex-frat boy: What if I put a wig on? Would you let me go down on you? Remind you of your college days?
--Goodbye Blue Monday, Bushwick
Student: Baby, baby, baby -- I swear to God, yo -- swallowing prevents breast cancer and shit.
--Outside Midtown High
Woman: Blowjobs for ludes is a win-win situation.
--Columbia University
Overheard by: Ladle
Dressy lady: I would blow that Kermit parade float.
--Tavern on the Green
Candy-Apple Red Slingback Wednesday One-Liners
Man to friend with horse and carriage: Last week I was a cripple... Then I got these sneakers!
--6th Ave & Central Park South
Boy: ... And then he said I was wearin' my mama's sneakers, and I said, 'That's a lie! Of all the sneakers that both my mom and I have, there are two separate pairs of each! One for me and one for her! They just look a lot alike.'
--Key Foods, Lincoln Pl & Washington Ave, Brooklyn
Overheard by: Michael O'Connor
Yuppie to another: They're not only taking his money, they're going after his wife's shoes!
--Equinox, Lexington Ave
Overheard by: wolf
Plump European woman: I still think of her... She doesn't believe in shoes.
--Gemini Diner, 33rd & 2nd
Overheard by: Dasha
Girl: If I don't get the Tory Burch flats, I'm going to cut someone.
--"7th on Sale" Sample Sale
Pepé Le Pew's Scentimental Wednesday One-Liners
Hobo: Hey, ladies. [Girls giggle.] You smell so good -- like Campbell's soup!
--10th & Broadway
Overheard by: Emily
Man on cell: You tell your smelly sisters that they have to shower tonight.
--39th & 5th
Queer hipster to fag hag: Oh my god, his placenta stank!
--N train
Overheard by: Lauren
Chick to friend: Shut up, or I'll sniff you in a minute!
--Central Park
JAP: Ew, like -- I like, washed my hair, like, this morning... Why does it, like, smell? Ewww... That's sooo bimmey!
--1 train
Chipper thugette: I smell pussy!
--L train, Bedford stop
Give Me Fifty CCs of Wednesday One-Liners, Stat!
Drunk girl: As it turns out, while I was away on vacation my husband had a vasectomy without me knowing about it...
--12th & 5th, Park Slope
Dressy guy: Instead of having my colonoscopy today, I think I'll go to Valentine's with you.
--3rd & LaGuardia
Woman on cell: So yeah, the surgery went great, and they saved my ovary. Yay! What? Of course I'm still on the pill! Do you think I actually want to use it?
--Grand Central
Overheard by: E
Guy on cell: Yeah, she said it was a cyst and that I probably shouldn't have tried to perform surgery on myself.
--26th & Park Ave South
Overheard by: Rose Fox
NYU queer: So, are you getting some kind of penis enlargement today, or what?
--Waverly & University
The Scandalous Scanties of Wednesday One-Liners
Blonde on cell: I'm totally excited about getting out of the city and camping for the weekend... Yeah... Yeah... No, I packed like six pairs of underwear -- there's no way I'm going to run out like last time.
--F train
Overheard by: only in NYC
JAP: Yeah, I lost my underwear there last night.
--50th & 6th
80-year-old man on cell: I'm over in the lingerie department. I'm touching all the panties.
--Macy's, Herald Square
Overheard by: Kate Melvin
Drunk chick: She doesn't even wear a thong! It's like she's a dude or some shit.
--W 10th & Hudson
Middle-aged man: So tell me, how do I unhook a bra?
--Brooklyn Bridge
Overheard by: Walking the bridge
These Wednesday One-Liners Will Self-Destruct in Five Seconds
Southern tourist: ... And, like, we all came all the way to the city, and there's a bomb threat? I mean, we even made reservations!
--78th & Broadway
Guy to chick: Take Albert Einstein, for instance. He was a small guy, and he built the atomic bomb... And he nuked Japan with it.
--116th & Broadway
Overheard by: Chelsea
Mom to child as he fashions a bomb out of clay: Tyler, this is a non-violent birthday party!
--Central Park
Overheard by: Wondering what a violent one is like
Substitute chemistry teacher: Okay, let's get a little sex appeal in here... Who knows how to make a hydrogen bomb?
--Stuyvesant High
Morally outraged thugette: He mess with the wrooong girl! I will blow this whole train up!
--G train
Overheard by: sarah
Professor: ... And in next week's class -- how to build a nuclear bomb!
--Fordham University
Overheard by: Sromeo
Wednesday One-Liners' Anatomy
Fat Latina: I remember just squatting over her and stuffing it in her face.
--36th & Park
Overheard by: Confabulation Nation
Guy: It's not the eyes in the back of the head, it the lack of a nose in the back of the head that's the problem.
--N train
Overheard by: sara n.
Chick: My ovaries popped, and he's giving me shit for it.
--Queens Blvd & Continental Ave
Overheard by: Jacquie
Guy on cell: They need new feet... I don't know, to walk on!
--7th & 4th, Brooklyn
Chick: A uterus seems like a fun place to be!
--57th & 2nd
Overheard by: Sally S.
Man on cell: Baby, you are the only one who has seen my body! You are the only one who has seen my body!
--14th & 3rd
Overheard by: bildita
Chipper, early-20s redhead to blonde: Open your ears, woman! Do I have to use my tail?!
--116th & Broadway
Wednesday One-Liners Are All Over the Map
Lesbian: Bitch, you better shut the fuck up before I go Park Slope on your ass!
--1 train
Aging khaki preppy: That's Strawberry Fields? It looks so... East side.
--Strawberry Fields
Overheard by: turd on the run
Lady tourist: A gay bar -- I think it was in Chelsea. Is there a gay bar in Chelsea?
--Metro-North Riverdale station
History buff: Before taxis, there was no Upper West Side.
--12th & 1st
Lady: It's sort of an ugly day today in Williamsburg. Other days it's like ripe fruit hanging from the man tree...
--McCarren Park
Queer: This is Chelsea. There's cum on the floor everywhere!
--19th & 8th
Overheard by: Prem
Wednesday One-Liners Prefer Omaha
Tourist: I don't like this train line. On the L line they have benches so that you can kneel down and pray... And they don't have crevices digging into your ass and shit.
--1 train
Tourist girl: Let's go to the Upper Wet Side.
--Palace Theatre, Broadway
Tourist: You haven't been raped and stabbed 'til you've been raped and stabbed in New York.
--Central Park
Dude with huge backpack, clutching a map: Sometimes you just don't want to see a huge ball of twine, y'know? It's, like, 200 miles away. [Guy next to him nods head vigorously.]
--Manhattan-bound L train
Middle-aged tourist on cell: No, we gotta go to Penn Central. Trust me, I know this place -- we gotta get to Penn Central.
--Penn Station
Wednesday One-Liners Will Fuck You Up, Son
Thug: I'm a super duper human being! I'm a super duper human being! I'm a super duper human being!
--Queens-bound F train
Overheard by: sunburned like a bitch
Teen Latino thug to friend: Yo, there be some mad hot wizards up in this bitch! Or should I say, 'wizard-ettes.'
--Harry Potter screening, Loews, 34th St
Thug: ... And he was there, with his cane and beard, lookin' all Gandalf and shit.
--86th & Lex
Overheard by: Catherine
Teen thug: She is extra violent! She got UV rays!
--W 4th St platform
Overheard by: Emily B.
Thugette leaning against mail truck: Yeah, I's the post bitch.
--Church St
Wednesday One-Liners Sink Their Teeth In
Secretary in stall, to another: I told her that in this position she has to wear her teeth in. You can't go around here with no teeth in your mouth.
--Office restroom, Midtown
Overheard by: Anonymous Law Firm Employee
Woman on cell: What? Turn your hearing aid up! Put your teeth in! I can't understand you!
--Prince & Broadway
Guy to girlfriend: Hey, babe, I gotta run to the interview. Can you check my teeth for hairs?
--Madison Square Park
Overheard by: Guy
Saucy Latina: She has the hair of every dental hygienist I've ever known.
--Penn Station
Overheard by: McFreaky
Girl on cell: What?! You haven't showered in a day? At what time? Pedro Miguel*, that is nasty! Your balls must be sweaty and stinky. Smell your underwear... Have you even wiped them with a baby wipe, at least? Have you at least brushed your teeth? You've brushed your teeth, but not showered? How is that not nasty?!
--Bx12 bus
Overheard by: SilentButDeadly
Hobo: Does anyone have an extra toothbrush or two dozen eggs to spare?
--Outside Gristede's, UES
Overheard by: no eggs to spare
Wednesday One-Liners Look Manly in Tights
Despondent hobo: Spider-Man is dead, mothafuckah.
--Thompson & Bleecker
Overheard by: Emily B.
Earnest white girl: So, I've been thinking about it, and here's what I'm picturing -- dat ho is lyin' flat on her stomach, and Superman is on top of her, but he has to maybe keep his arms out in front of him like he's in flyin' position... And it seems like maybe it would be easier to Superman a small person... I bet you could Superman a big girl. Yeah, definitely.
--H&M, Soho
Angry vendor in heavy accent, after police bust nearby: They just arrest him. They arrest everybody. They think they are Superman!
--Greene St, Soho
Overheard by: Rich Mintz
Costumed guy: Two things you never do -- you never pull Superman's cape, and you never kick Spider-Man in the nuts! [To friend dressed as Spider-Man] You are wearing a cup, right?
--13th & University
Overheard by: theresa
He Should Have Worn His Sombrero
Man to waiter making tea: Hey, you know how many Mexicans it takes to make iced tea? None! Because you're not Mexican! Ha!
Waiter: Why would you say that? I am Mexican.
--Mike's Café, Brooklyn
I Can Still Make a Woman Come from Across the Room, Though
Hipster guy: Yeah, it was like when I used to be a ninja, before I gave it up.
Hipster girl: Oh, I see.
--N 7th St, Williamsburg, Brooklyn
Overheard by: Mary C.
I Came So Close to Fucking a Teacher, Then Suddenly It All Went South
Woman: So, what do you do for a living?
Man: I'm a doctor, actually.
Woman: Really? Do they make more than teachers?
Man: Doesn't everyone?
--42nd St
The Ghetto Will Never Get Over Learning the Word "Disrespectful" in the Early '90s
Young ghetto girl: Mister, will you get that bag out of my face? That bag is in my face!
Asian man: It's not in your face! It's far away. Far away.
Young ghetto girl: Man, you disrespectful. That's so disrespectful. I'll slap the shit out of you.
--A train
Overheard by: jcm
Dog and Pony Shows, However, Can Be Incredibly Nuanced
Yuppie #1: Yeah, I've been to a few donkey shows... You know there are different types, right?
Yuppie #2, hesitantly: Um, yeah... I went to one once and pretty much got the point.
--Yankee Stadium
And the Trains Are Never Late, and You Get to Live with Your Mom for, Like, Ever
Hipster #1: It's just that after having Italian ice cream, I just don't get American ice cream.
Hipster #2: No, totally... And have you had their sodas? They're all good!
--L train, Bedford Ave
Overheard by: mbrowning
She Thinks We Were at War with China in the '60s
Nurse on phone with patient: You speak Korean? Is that like Mandarin Chinese or Cantonese? So it's called Korean? It's not Chinese?
--New York Presbyterian Hospital
Uncle Wiggly Found His Daughter's Attitude Hard to Understand
Dad riding bicycle with young daughter in child seat: ... And I used to think about my rabbit every day!
Daughter, incredulously: Are you insane?!
--5th & 6th, Park Slope, Brooklyn
Overheard by: Doc
Also How He Identifies Walruses
Man #1, seeing large goose: Wow, what is that?
Man #2: That's a duck, dude.
--Hudson River Park, UWS
Overheard by: lola
Even If He Is the Jolly Green Giant
Chick #1: I can't believe he left me three cans of peas. Like that is going to fix anything.
Chick #2: Were they your favorite peas?
Chick #1: I mean, I like LeSeur Peas and all, but not enough to make me forget my husband was fucking another woman.
--Park Slope
Kept Asking How Much of a Monthly Payment I Wanted
Girl #1: ... And then he texted me, 'I hope all is well.'
Girl #2: Oh, well that was nice.
Girl #1: Nice? 'I hope all is well'?! Does he mean, 'I hope all is well now that I've scraped your vagina out'?!
Girl #2: Well, I mean, he is a used car salesman...
Girl #1: Oh my god. You're right. Oh my god, I got fingered by a used car salesman!
--12th & University Pl
Would You Like to Go Ahead of Me?
Guy #1: I can't believe I'm back here. It has been such a long time.
Guy #2: Why? You've been traveling?
Guy #1: Nope -- prison.
--Penn Station
Each One Is Unique
Woman #1: How does one spell 'Shaniqua'?
Woman #2: I'm not sure there's a standardized spelling...
--Midtown
Penis Envy
Teen girl #1: She was like a fucking sausage.
Teen girl #2: Yeah?
Teen girl #1: Yeah.
Teen girl #2: What a bitch.
--Duane Reade, Bronx
In That Chickens Generally Eat Vegetables
Patron: Are any of these soups vegetarian?
Cook: Yeah, the chicken noodle is.
--Café, Times Square
Overheard by: britmazing
Just Don't Expect Mouth-to-Mouth
Hobo to girl in lifeguard shirt: You really a lifeguard? I'm drowning!
--7th & Ave A
It's the Wax-Like Quality of Both Originals That Makes Distinguishing Them So Difficult
Little girl looking at sculpture of Jessica Simpson: Look, Mommy -- Britney Spears!
--Madame Tussauds
Overheard by: Mimbo
Divided by a Common Language, Sort Of
Guy #1: God, this girl is a terrible text messenger. Look at this -- it doesn't make any sense!
Guy #2: Yeah.
Guy #1: You love texting, though, right?
Guy #2: Yeah, and it's only gonna get worse when I get my BlackBerry. I plan to cut off voice communication altogether.
--The Burger Joint
Overheard by: sarah
That's My Girl!
Father with screaming two-year-old on shoulders: What's wrong with Elena?
Mother: She's foaming at the mouth. She's rabid.
--Battery Park
Overheard by: Sarah
Scene from the Latest Remake of The Parent Trap
Lady: Excuse me, but I have my daughter here!
Man: So do I!
Lady, backing out of train: Fine, whatever. Merry Christmas to you.
Man: Yeah, fuck you, too.
--68th & Lex station
And You Can Suck My Indicative
Queer black man #1: I am stupid, dumb, and crazy.
Queer black man #2: Mmm-hm.
Queer black man #1: But I am not slow. I never was.
Queer black man #2: You never were.
Queer black man #1: I never was.
Queer black man #2: It's 'were. I never were.' I was an English major.
Queer black man #1: It's, 'I never was.' I went to school. You're speaking some sort of crazy... some crazy Ebonics language.
Queer black man #2: Bitch, you stupid, dumb, and crazy.
Queer black man #1: Mmm-hm, that's right.
--M10 bus, 110th & CPW
Overheard by: A former English minor, weeping.
She Should Be Making Baskets and Babies
Woman in traditional African attire, on phone: That girl don't do nothin' but make money!
--47th & 6th
Overheard by: kate
Headline by: T Perk
Runners-Up:
· "AND Her Clitoris Is Still Attached, the Bitch!" - s h
· "Actually, It's Babies, but After They're Sold, Same Difference" - M
· "Oprah's International Press Agent" - PeterG
· "She Should Be Popping Out Her 10th Kid by Now!" - steph
Click here to see the new Headline Contest
... Can I Get Your Number?
Drunk girl: It's like we're the same person!
Suit: Except you're four inches shorter, thirty pounds heavier, and a dumbass!
--Times Square
Sometimes I Just Can't Tell Whether We're Talking about Particle Physics or Sex
Hipster girl: ... And then there was this other weirdo I dated who kept talking about how we're all just molecules. You know, little balls of energy?
Guy: Yeah... That's exactly where we came from -- balls of energy.
--116th & Broadway
Unless It's Superman Looking at My Brain Again
Young man: Man, is it hot out here today!
Older man: Yes, it is. I can't believe I can still feel the sun on my head in the shade.
--Wall St
The High-Fivin' Gay Guys Are Back in "Penetration Nation"!
Queer #1: You thought he wasn't going to fuck you, but he did!
Queer #2, squealing: Yay! [Shares high-fives with whole group.]
--34 Cooper Square
The I-Deliberately-Created-My-Diminished-Capacity Defense
Chick #1: You shouldn't have slept with him. You knew that would really hurt his girlfriend...
Chick #2: Yeah, I know, but we were both so high on coke that neither of us should be held responsible for our actions.
--Starbucks, 50th & 9th
Overheard by: sketchy
Just Look at Condoleeza Rice
Girl #1: Oh my god, John! You have to join our theater company that we're starting.
Girl #2: It's called 'Four Bitches and a Toke.'
Girl #3: You're the toke.
Queer: Wait, wait... I'm the toke? I'm a bigger bitch than all four of you.
Girl #4: But you don't have a vagina!
Queer: Ohhh, trust me -- you do not have to have a vagina to be a bitch.
--4th & Ave A
Overheard by: Todd B
So Joanie's a Dyke and Henry's 400 Pounds -- That Was Way Too Easy
Woman #1: Oh, my son, Henry, never wears jeans. He thinks they are too itchy.
Woman #2: Well, what does he wear, then?
Woman #1: We can only buy him soft pants.
Woman #2: Oh, well my daughter only wears one-piece bathing suits, but we bought her some bikinis today, and when we got home she said, 'I'd rather bite off all my toenails than wear those.'
--Yankee Stadium
Overheard by: Chris Storey
Gotta Admit, Quiet Craziness Has Its Charm
Indian woman to stranger on bench: You know what people are doing here? They are coming to visit the trees. [Stranger turns away and ignores her. She continues] Shhh, listen...
--Dag Hammarskjold Plaza
How Carson Daly Got into the Music Business
Teen boy #1: Change your ringtone! Change it! [Slams table.]
Teen boy #2: Don't you like that song? I love it.
Teen boy #1, to others: His phone rings all day -- I'm sick of it. I have to have a new song. He gets that many calls, he should have one song for each girl so I'm entertained!
--Little Italy
A Gal's Gotta Know Her Weaknesses
Girl #1: It's good I don't go to a school with fraternities. I'd, like--
Girl #2: --Get drunk and raped?
Girl #1: Exactly!
--Sarah Lawrence College
Overheard by: trying to eat dinner in peace
You Can't Make Rent, and These Are the Things You Worry About?
Stoner: I'm telling you, they need another statue!
Friend #1: Why?
Stoner: Because when the apocalypse comes and there's all the radiation, the Statue of Liberty is going to come to life!
Friend #2: So?
Stoner: Sooo, she's going to need someone to get it on with!
--Morton & Hudson, West Village
He Settled for Humping My Leg Like an Airedale
Chick #1: He says he can fall in love with anybody, but he just sleeps with everybody.
Chick #2: Yeah, totally.
Chick #1: Also, he tried to date rape me, which is totally unromantic.
--Columbia University
Overheard by: Jeff
By "Kill" He Means "Unfriend Them on MySpace"
Dude: I'll kill you guys if you hack into my wedding website!
--535 8th Ave
Yasser Takes Way Too Long in Front of the Monets
Husband: We'll go to the museum around four.
Wife: I don't know...
Husband: Come on, Marge. You love everyone at the museum. Except Yasser Arafat.
--Hampton Inn
Overheard by: Leah
All We Are Is Dust in Dewann
Tall guy: Man, get away from me. You're cracked out.
Small guy: I ain't smokin' crack! I smoke dust, nigga!
--Penn Station
Overheard by: Mike
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