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How the Annoying Recognize Each Other During Mating Season
Nasal woman on cell: Heyyy, what you doooin'?
Stoner guy passerby, imitating her voice: Smokin' weeeed.
--74th & CPW
Moldova? EU!
Geek #1: I can't believe Romania just got accepted into the European Union!
Geek #2: What do you know? Next thing they'll even take Moldova.
--50th & Broadway
It's Hiding in Midtown
Tourist: Excuse me, can you tell us how to get to downtown?
Local: Downtown where?
Tourist: Times Square.
--N/Q uptown platform, Canal St
If You Do, I'll Show You My Extensions
Boyfriend: Have you ever had a weave? Or, like, extensions?
Girlfriend: No! Do I look black to you?
--LIRR
It's a damn good thing you put out!
Chick: I don't know -- all the worry about oil prices and gas... [Dude throws sideways glance.] What does oil have to do with gas, anyway? You don't put a can of oil in your gas tank.
Dude: You know what? You're a dumbass.
--W 52nd St
Overheard by: Eric Shellhamer
Justifiably Indignant?
White male customer: I want a small black coffee.
East Indian female cashier: Do you want cream and sugar in that?
White male customer: No, I want it black.
East Indian female cashier: Black?
White male customer, pointing at picture of black man in ad on the wall: Yes, black! I want it to look like that guy!
--Dunkin' Donuts, 53rd & Lex
Overheard by: next in line
Like, Those Oreo Cookie Things?
Old European guy, exasperated: Was Moses a hydrologist?
--Central Park
Their Names Are "Delirium" and "Tremens"
Girl: What's the deal with New York's bagels, anyway? I mean, they're delicious! What do you think New Yorkers do differently to their bagels that makes them so... Oh, look at you! You're too drunk to keep up with me because I'm speaking so rapidly.
Drunk guy: I'm listening to your rabbits!
--NYU
Overheard by: Evan Regas
I'd Ask You Out If Either of Us Had the Energy to Follow Through with It
Hipster boy: He's such a fucking loser -- he just has to admit it. I mean, I'm a loser, and I'm fine with it.
Hipster girl #1: Yeah, it sucks to be a loser and not be cool with him.
Hipster girl #2: I never leave the house anymore.
Hipster boy: Me neither. Last week I bought an antennae for my TV, and sweatpants and weed. I only left the house today because I ran out of milk.
Hipster girl #1: Awesome.
--A train
Why Shirley Temple Movies Are Not Intended for Minors
Black mom: You chokin'?
Son: [Choking.]
Black mom: Hmmm?
Son: [Choking, grasping at throat.]
Black mom, hitting him hard on the back, causing him to cough something up: There. Now quit jumpin' and movin' when you eatin' a lollipop.
--13th & University
Overheard by: Mathew
Pardon Me, Ma'am, I Have Mariconcitos to Inspect
Hispanic cleaning lady: No, nuh-uh -- I am not going in there anymore. Those little mariconcitos always runnin' around naked. [Hispanic kid laughs.] See?! He knows what I'm talkin' about!
--Gym lockers, Hunter College
Overheard by: Kevo changes in these lockers
But No One Will Know It
Student: What's your name?
Professor: Doesn't matter. Someday we will all be famous and anonymous.
--NYU
Overheard by: teaching the future of america
And He Was a Big Hit
Guy picks himself and his bike up off the street while other people approach...
Latino kid: Damn, son! Did you see that?! Motherfucker just got hit!
White guy: Hit him, too, or just the bike?
Latino kid: Man, that car hit the shit outta that guy! [Answers cell phone] Yo, get down here, son. Some dude just got hit!
--17th & Prospect, Park Slope
Overheard by: Matt Hartwick
She Should Keep Talking to Him
Headache medicine flyer girl: Sir, do you have a headache?
Suit: Not yet.
--Hoboken PATH station
Overheard by: Bo
Unfortunately, They're Also Too Stoned to Know It
Dude #1: Oh my god, what is that smell?
Dude #2: That's the smell of wisdom weed. It's why Rastafarians are so smart.
--Shea Stadium
Overheard by: Sacagawea
The Most Enthusiastic Scrabble Player in the City
Queer suit #1: Wow. That was good.
Queer suit #2: Yeah. You were screaming so loud I had to put the pillow over your face.
--19th & 7th
Overheard by: Dan
Must Be Great Having a Celebrity for a Father
Angry kid: Man, I'm tired of seeing that naked white fag with the guitar all the time.
Friend: Your dad?
Angry kid: No, you dumb fuck! That freak over there -- he's in postcards and shit. He's like a celebrity, kinda.
Friend: I think that's your dad...
Angry kid: Fuck you, ho.
--TKTS station, Times Square
That's Really More of a Kingdom Than a Species
Ex-Long-Islander #1: ... But then he'd have to marry a-- What's the female equivalent of 'guido'?
Ex-Long-Islander #2: I don't know... 'Bitch'?
--LIRR
Overheard by: sarah
She's Learned to Make the Green Ears Part of Her Style
Lady #1: Twelve dollars!
Lady #2: How much?
Lady #1: Twelve dollars! I never spend more than two dollars on earrings.
--22nd & 6th
Overheard by: Michael
So They Broke into a Chorus of "Food, Glorious Food" and Split a Tic Tac
Skinny girl: I'm hungry.
Friend: Same here. I want dinner. I want a salad.
Skinny girl: You want, like, a whole meal.
--N train, Times Square
What're They Prescribing for Uteral Bipolarity These Days?
Lady #1: That new arm implant birth control is so weird.
Lady #2: What's so weird about it?
Lady #1: I don't know -- it just sits there inside you and doesn't go away.
Lady #2: How is that any different from that IUD thing that sits in your uterus?
Lady #1: It is different! Things to up and down in your uterus.
--39th & 6th
Thanks for the Gift, Bitch
Teen girl #1: So, my friend's dad died. I feel like I should send her something -- y'know, just to make her feel better. Only I don't know her so well, so I'm not sure what to get her. Chocolate, maybe?
Teen girl #2: I dunno. Chocolate doesn't sound like such a good idea. When people are depressed they buy chocolate and eat way too much of it and get really fat.
Teen girl #1: Ummm, I don't think that's really true.
Teen girl #2: ... I can attest to it.
--Metro-North
Overheard by: sugarnspice
We Prefer to Be Called "Porcine-Americans"
Queer #1: He's hot. Wait, he's hot, too. Fuck! Why is everyone I like so young?
Queer #2: 'Cause you're a pig?
--Jane St & 8th Ave
Overheard by: Paddy
For a Pratt Brat, This Counts as Wit
Pratt girl: I didn't know you could think with your name being ethnic and all.
Ethnic chick: Whaaa?
Future Picasso: Her name's Jewish.
--Classon & Willoughby Ave, Brooklyn
Overheard by: Glad I Didn't Go To Art School
Well, Whatever. Here, Have a Vegan Cigarette
Guy #1: You have to eat meat. People who don't eat meat are pussies.
Guy #2: I don't eat meat for two reasons: A) ... Um, you know.
--7 train
Overheard by: kgiacg
Tonight's Movie: The Picture of Doreen Gray and Her Sister
Girl #1: So, do you and your twin sister look alike?
Girl #2: Well, if we're standing next to each other we are, like, totally identical, but if you look at a picture of us, we look nothing alike... Do you want to take my picture?
Girl #1: Ummm...
Girl #2: Go ahead. You can take my picture.
--56th St, between 5th & 6th Ave
At the Free Will Special Olympics
Man: I'm just going to break into the apartment, okay?
Woman: You can't break into the apartment! It's not even your apartment!
Man: I can do whatever I want! Not you or anybody else is going to tell me what I can and cannot do!
--E 4th St & Ave A
Overheard by: martin
Your Ad Said You Were Docile and Stupid! I Demand a Refund!
Old man: I may be one of the richest men in the world, but everyone thinks I'm an idiot.
Arm candy: Oh, no! You're not an idiot. You're an idiot savant!
--Maloney & Porcelli, 50th St
Overheard by: Jon G.
Yup, in His Side Pocket
Hipster chick: ... And then the cops came in and busted him for cocaine possession.
Old mom: Oh, goodness.
Hipster chick: Yeah, he totally didn't have that much.
Old mom: Did he have an eight-ball?
--66th & Park
Overheard by: ashley
Quiet, Chairman Meow!
Thug #1, with meowing kitten in backpack: Yo, if you don't shut the fuck up, I'm gonna snap ya neck. You about to get clapped by ya master.
Thug #2, with litter box: Yeah, son -- about to get clapped.
--Broadway Junction
Damn Minorities, Taking All the Swarovski Crystals
Dude: Yeah, so on my senior trip this girl won a bunch of Swarovski crystals...
Girl: Was she rich?
Dude: Well, she's a minority, so I wouldn't think so.
Girl: Good. I would hate it if she was rich.
--Wendy's, Parsons Blvd
That's Called "Gonorrhoea"
Confused guy: What?!
Angry chick: Your grey matter has yellow spots.
--22nd & 6th
Which Would Solve Just about Zero Percent of Your Problem, Sir
White student: I can't believe you guys gave my ID to another person!
Security guard: Yeah, I'm really sorry. I wish there was a better system for doing this.
White student: Yeah, they should have all the Asian kids in a separate directory, because they all have the same last names.
--23rd & Lex
Overheard by: Darren Montalbano
Shouldn't Have Laughed So Hard at the Poor People
JAP halting mid-stride: Wait a sec... Why are my pants wet?!
--82nd & 2nd
Overheard by: my boyfriend is a grizzly bear
Headline by: John
Runners-Up:
· "And Who Dropped That Baby?" - trade800
· "Bob the Urinating Hobo Ninja Strikes Again" - Darryl S.
· "Did A Bag Of Money Just Walk By?" - Jolly
· "The Joys Of Unknown Pregnancy Coming Full Term" - The Lazy Canadian
· "This Eventually Happens to Every New Yorker" - Dagre
· "Was Too Busy Shopping to Be Toilet Trained" - G
Click here to see the new Headline Contest
That'll Be $75
Freshman: Hi... I'll get, uh... um... a Screwdriver and, um, a Corona, and with a lime.
Bartender: Generally, when you order a Corona it comes with a lime.
Freshman: Where I'm from, you don't get a lime unless you ask for it.
Bartender: Where are you from?
Freshman: Westchester.
--Bar near NYU
And If Not, Ask Your Father, If You've Got the Balls
Young boy: Mom, what are those two things?
Mom, reading display: That's your scrotum, right there...
Young boy: What's a scrotum?
Mom: It's your... That thing... Oh, you know what it is!
--Bodies Exhibit
Overheard by: Marty
Although They Had a Number of Adventures, Wallace and Gromit Never Made It to the Laundromat
Guy #1: There's a laundromat! Should we get off?
Guy #2: No, let's get off on the way back. Then we'll be on the right side.
Guy #1: We're on the right side now.
Guy #2: But there's no way down to the street on this side.
Guy #1: The stairs are right there.
Guy #2: But they aren't safe.
--Metro-North
Wanksday One-Liners
Large lady in sun dress to man in front of her: Do you want this seat? 'Cause I can't sit here and watch you play with yourself in front of me.
--F train, between Carroll St & Bergen St
Worker to partner: Next time he starts jerkin' off, I wanna know.
--Manhattan & Nassau, Brooklyn
Guy on cell: Wanna know how I have fun? I go home, eat, jerk off and watch TV. Now that's fun!
--29th & 7th
Suit: Man, if I was a woman, I'd be at home sticking everything inside me -- cucumbers, hair brush handles, whatever I could find!
--Broadway & Crescent Ave, Long Island City
Overheard by: tracy
College chick on cell: Yay for masturbation! And yay for date rape!
--N train
Overheard by: Bionic Womyn
Wednesday One-Liners Aren't a Tourist Attraction, Assholes
Chick to friend, standing silently for several minutes: You know, there really isn't that much to see here.
--Ground Zero
Woman on cell: What about the Christmas cards with the twin towers surrounded by flowers? ... Yeah. Kinda grim, huh?
--Barnes & Noble, Lincoln Center
Overheard by: Karyn Regal
Wannabe-hardcore bimbette: So, this is where it all went down, huh? Where the shit hit the fan...
--PATH station, WTC
Overheard by: WesTexMike
Tourist man to MTA lady: I want to go to that World Trade Center thing.
--14th St station
Tourist: Is this nine-eleven?
--Ground Zero
Overheard by: duplicity
Wednesday One-Liners? Everyone Knows They Don't Exist!
Teen boy: ... Except you're forgetting that I'm an elf.
--M14D bus
Overheard by: amelia
Girl to friend, both covered in fake blood and wounds: Are you sure this is the right location? I don't see any other zombies around...
--42nd St
Overheard by: Katie
Hobo: Excuse me, sir. Excuse me, sir! I'm a goddamn leprechaun!
--W 4th & Waverly
Overheard by: Alex
Teacher: So, I had a dream last night that I was surrounded by zombies. Then I realized it was a dream, and I had a big sword and started swinging it at the zombies' heads. But the sword was going through them and I was like, 'What the hell?!' and then they started turning into my freshmen students from last year...
--Bronx Science
Open-Mouth Wednesday One-Liners
Conductor: This is your conductor reminding you to beware of pickpockets. Keep your bags in sight, your wallets in your pocket, stay alert, and remember to kiss.
--5 express train
Overheard by: Ben Arwin
Guy to girl: I'm not going to kiss you, 'cause remember -- last time we kissed was before you went to jail.
--O'Connor's, Bergen St & 5th Ave, Brooklyn
Overheard by: Joe
Drunk guy: I didn't kiss your boobs, I kissed your chest. There's a difference!
--49th & 1st
Guido: I'm not prejudiced against fat chicks. I would love to fuck a fatty tonight... I just won't kiss her.
--Outside McFatty's
Overheard by: Liz
Five-year-old girl: Before we leave, I'm going to kiss a boy and get married later.
--Times Square
Overheard by: Daveyy
Wednesday One-Liners Need an Extinguisher for Their Pants
Guy on cell: No, I'm upstate.
--F train, Brooklyn
Overheard by: Dislocated Upstater
Dude on cell: Dude, I'm at the library!
--Reade & West Broadway
Overheard by: Rich Mintz
Man on cell while on bus: Yeah, Mom, I gotta go. I'm getting on the subway.
--99th & Broadway
Overheard by: Zach
Rich lady on cell: Yes, sweetie, I'm in New Jersey now. I miss you, too!
--Wall St
Overheard by: Trillie
Suit on cell: I told you, Jim, I can't help you now. I'm already in New Jersey!
--Liberty & Broadway
Overheard by: Les Izzmore
How Many Licks Does It Take to Get to the Center of a Wednesday One-Liner?
Chick: How am I supposed to exercise my authority when people are asking me, 'Do you want to lick it?'?!
--Churrascaria Plataforma
Dude: I used the little bathroom in the back, and there was sauce all over the toilet. I wanted to lick it up.
--DiFara's Pizzeria
Teen boy: Oh my god, Barrett Foa! He's so hot... I want him to lick my vagina! Oh, my poor, crusty vagina...
--Stage door of Golden Theatre
Overheard by: Emo Barbie Julia
Hipster boy: I will climb down on those tracks and lick that third rail. I will lick it!
--L train
Overheard by: how many hot dogs?
Punk chick: Why are you so disgusted by licking other people's eyeballs?
--17th Ave, Brooklyn
Wednesday One-Liners of Color
Queer: 'Winter white' used to mean something.
--Houston & Lafayette
Overheard by: JC
Fat guy: I can't believe I bought a freaking purple litter box.
--Spring & Thompson
Conductor: We have a red signal and should be moving shortly. In the mean time, sit back, relax, and enjoy the scenery.
--A train in tunnel before 59th St
Guy: They should just hang a big pink triangle on him and tell him to stop.
--2nd Ave station
Overheard by: Kira
Guy on cell: Yeah. I use Post-it flags to read GQ. Red for chicks, blue for clothes [continues]...
--Shuttle bus from JFK to Grand Central
Overheard by: post-it flag dependent student
Hobo selling lollipops: Please find God in your hearts and buy a sucker so I can rent a room. I know some of you don't want to read the Bible -- you just want to go home and smoke some weed or whatever, but I got news for every person on this train: I don't care if you're black, white, blue, or green, you're all going to die.
--6 train, 28th St
Overheard by: going home to smoke weed
Fresh-Cut, Deli-Style Wednesday One-Liners
Girl on cell: I'm pretty sure Cheez Doodles® not falling out of the vending machine is a sign of the apocalypse.
--63rd & Madison
Overheard by: Gabby
Dude: Would anyone like some cheese?! I have some cheese in my pocket!
--Times Square
Overheard by: Javi
Crazy hobo: If Bloomberg wants cream cheese, I'm damn well not payin' for it!
--E train, 59th St
Overheard by: dubyaMD
Suit on cell: If you stopped eating macaroni and cheese, your couch cushions wouldn't be flat.
--70th St & Colonial Rd, Bay Ridge, Brookyn
Overheard by: Steve
Kid on overcrowded bus: Daddy, it smells like butt cheese!
--125th St
Overheard by: I totally did
Fat black lady, running: I want some cheesecake!
--Times Square
Thanks for the Mammaries, Wednesday One-Liners
Thug to girlfriend: Psh, no wonder! You got tits like an orangutan!
--Francis Lewis High
Stripper on cell: I just finished my fourth shift this week. I'm so tired of seeing titties!
--Outside Scores Gentleman's Club
Overheard by: Tom
Hipster: It only works for creatures with tits.
--Chelsea
Overheard by: Nikki Stellini
Queer: Boobs are so not annoying.
--Astoria
Blonde on cell: So, how was your weekend? ... Oh! How did it go? Do they feel like bowling balls? ... You wore a snowsuit? Wow, I've never heard of anyone who gets breast implants and then hides them!
--34th & 8th
Overheard by: s.
Chick on cell: I mean, what it boils down to is this: I have a really outstanding rack.
--113th & Broadway
Overheard by: Ladle