Get the 10 best quotesby e-mail weekly!
So, You Knew about That?
Girlfriend: Wait, I don't get it.
Boyfriend: Awww, honey, you're so adorable when you have no idea what's going on.
Girlfriend: ... Faggot!
--Waverly Pl & University
Psh, Like the Fans Matter
Guy #1: And where did you go to high school?
Guy #2: [Names high school.]
Guy #1: Wait, where are you from, again?
Guy #2: I'm from just outside of Boston.
Guy #1: So, you're a Red Sox fan?
Guy #2: Yup.
Guy #1: Asshole.
--6 train
Overheard by: Fellow asshole
I'd Rather Be Beaten Than Listen to Any More of That
Man: Fuck you.
Woman: Fuck you.
Man: Fuck you.
Woman: Fuck you.
Six-year-old girl: Cunt.
--Grand Central
Correct -- the Man Wins a Free Cavity Search!
TSA officer: You will be going through a metal detector. The key words here are 'metal' and 'detector.' Now, let's play a game called 'What Is My Metal Belt Buckle Made Of?' What is my belt buckle made of?
Male on line: Metal?!
--JFK Airport
Overheard by: Philly Blunt
Despicable, but Cute
Hipster chick #1: She calls him 'Mango,' and I have no clue why.
Hipster chick #2: Maybe because he looks mangolian?
Hipster chick #1: Mongolian? Like, the retards?
Hipster chick #2: Yeah, that's what I meant.
Hipster chick #1: Oh, well, then that's kind of cute.
--Penn Station
Overheard by: wondering when the word cute got redefined.
When You Haven't Had Any in Over Four Hours
Mother: Honey, we're going to leave if you don't stop. You already had hot chocolate and a scone.
Toddler: But Mommy, I want another hot chocolate!
Mother, gently sipping her own coffee: Honey, you're acting like you're on baby crack.
--Espresso 77, Jackson Heights
Eventually, Oprah Would Come to Heed Her Father's Words
Father: You're white.
Daughter: No, no, no, no, no!
--Brooklyn-bound R train
Overheard by: evanescent
NYC Rules Require Me to Fuck with You
Blonde tourist #1: I think we have plenty of time before our train leaves. What time is it?
Blonde tourist #2: I have no idea. My cell phone is dead. [To passing suit] Um, sir? Do you know what time it is?
Suit, rolling his eyes up at huge clock, then at blondes: Nope.
--Grand Central info booth with four-sided clock on top
Overheard by: Matt
More Fun Than Anything I Could've Done on Long Island
Chick #1: So, what happened with you and that guy from the bar last night?
Chick #2: Oh, him? We went back to my place and had sex.
Chick #1: Oooh... How was it?!
Chick #2: Eh, it wasn't the best. He wanted to do anal, and I was tired and drunk, so I was like, 'Whatever...'
Chick #1: Oh my god, really? I would never do anal...
Chick #2: Eh, I thought so, too, but turns out it's really not that bad. It's just like shitting... only in reverse.
--LIRR
Also His Answer to "How Are You?" and "Some Weather, Huh?"
Guy #1: So, what year did you graduate from school?
Guy #2: Harvard.
--Snooty party, Bronx
Overheard by: Ladle
You Know, I've Never Seen the Two of Them in the Same Room...
Girl #1: She's a neo-con Barbie doll! She's worse than Ann Coulter.
Girl #2: Not possible.
Girl #1: No, really.
Girl #2: So she's Dick Cheney with boobs?
--Mercer & Grand
Come On! College Kids Don't Wake Up in the Morning!
Ice cream man: Yo, man, can I get a cigarette?
Male student: Uh, sure. They're cloves -- is that okay?
Ice cream man: Yeah, man. Just need some air in my lungs [lights up in the ice cream truck]. Yo, you must love going here. You must wake up in the morning and be like, 'Mmm, smells like...' Hahaha
--Outside F.I.T.
Overheard by: Monochrome
And He's about to Mace You
Old lady, to two-year-old: ... And what a sweet little girl you are! [Lady turns to child's father] It's nice to see that in this day of child molesters and perverts your daughter isn't afraid of playing with complete strangers.
Old lady's old hubby, whispering: Honey, that's a little boy.
--La Bagel, 15th & 1st
Where the Meth Comes Sweepin' Down the Plain
Bimbette: Not a lot of people do meth anymore. It's like one in ten million.
Guy: What?! It's like the crack of the Midwest. Everyone does it.
Bimbette: No, it only seems like that because they're all in one state.
Guy: Which one?
Bimbette: Oklahoma.
--Brooklyn Tech
Overheard by: Is Kathy Ireland, the designer, one of them?
A Task That Tricky Should Only Be Handled by a Professional
Young mom, picking daughter's nose: I see something in there!
Little girl turns head an picks own nose: I'll get it!
Young mom, going in again: Don't pick your nose!
--A train
Overheard by: amused
Hard to Believe Mary Kate and Ashley Are America's Sweethearts
NYU girl #1: You promised!
NYU girl #1: That doesn't count! I was drunk.
NYU girl #1: You're always drunk. It counts.
--W 4th & University Pl
Overheard by: jess
When Engorged, It Looks Freakishly Like Ryan Reynolds
Hetero dude: ... So it was just like the movie Smoking Aces, except it was your penis?
Queer: Exactly!
--Peculier Pub
Better Yet, Provoke That Hobo
Teen girl: I was worried it had rabies or something. But seriously, how cool would it be if I got to go back to Tennessee and say I'd been mauled by a squirrel while I was in New York?
Mom: Well, we've got health insurance now, so you go ahead and give it another shot. I'll get it on video.
--Isham & Cooper
Overheard by: Rose Fox
There Was Abundant Opportunity for a "Help Me with My Organ" Joke
Chick to guy on cell: Excuse me -- this is a random question, but are you a piano tuner?
Guy on cell, pausing to stare at chick: That is the most random question someone has ever asked me in my entire life. [Walks away.]
--Clinton & Joralemon, Brooklyn Heights
Overheard by: WTF?
None of Them Would Talk to Me
Preppy guy #1: How was that bar in Midtown?
Preppy guy #2: Dude, it was awesome... It was full of hot chicks.
Preppy guy #1: If it was so great, why did you text me eight times in one hour and are now standing next to me pissing at this bar?
--Restroom, Delancey Bar
Overheard by: Al
Because I'm Still Failing His Class
Girl #1: So, what's going on?
Girl #2: I think we're dating, but I'm totally miserable!
--W 4th, between Charles & Perry
Overheard by: couple laughing loudly
It's Rain with DNA
Woman #1: Is it just me, or is it starting to rain?
Woman #2: No, someone probably spat on you.
--W 35th St
I Tune Out When I Hear "Paris Hilton," Too
Asian guy #1: Paris Hilton. When you're walking out of an elevator and you see Paris Hilton, it's like you're starstruck.
Asian guy #2: Yeah. [They exit.]
Middle-aged woman: Yadda, yadda, yadda.
--Elevator, 34th & Broadway
Overheard by: Rita and Laura
Wine's Not Bad, Either
NYU boy #1: The French used to be all militaristic, like, back in the time of Napoleon.
NYU boy #2: Yeah, but now they're just all about wine and cheese.
NYU boy #1: Yeah... Cheese is good, though.
NYU boy #2: True, very true.
--Silver Center, NYU
Overheard by: Sam
We Should Not Have Smoked Weed before Math Class
Guy: Do you think Jim's cute?
Girl: He looks like a baby.
Guy: Like an isosceles baby.
Girl: His head is made of polygons.
--Metropolitan & Lorimer
Overheard by: Olga
At Least Not Until You Start Wearing Something Under Your Dress
Drunk girl: I want to do a cartwheel!
Sober girl: No. No, no, no.
Drunk girl: But I'm so good at them -- and handstands! I can do mad-good handstands. Watch! Watch me! [Puts her hands on the ground.]
Sober girl: I said no!
--E 10th & Ave A
Overheard by: simon says
She's Unconscious and Naked Right Now
Lady: Why are you wearing a St. John's shirt? Do you go there?
13-year-old girl: It's a college, Agnes.
Lady: Do you go there?
13-year-old girl: No, my sister does.
Lady: Then why isn't she wearing it?
--McDonald's, Francis Lewis Blvd & Willets Pt, Queens
Can't...Look...Away...
Man: This looks like a good place!
Large woman, unzipping her fly: I'll probably get arrested for whippin' the bitch out!
--Prospect Park
Overheard by: Kitty C.
I Just Need to Go Get My Beer Stein
Man on cell, inaudible at first: ... Whale sperm.
Business chick: Did you just say 'whale sperm'?
Man, to chick: Yeah.
Business chick: Perfect!
Man, into cell: Great. I'll be there in two minutes.
--55 Water St
Overheard by: Billy Splatts!
Jason's World Gets Unpleasantly Rocked
Man #1: Dude, Van Halen rocks!
Man #2: Um, that's not Van Halen.
Man #1: What?!
--Men's room, Jethro Tull concert
Overheard by: Mike N
Although a Long Bubble Bath and a Cup of Earl Grey Are Quite Delightful as Well
Black guy: What the fuck is wrong with you? How are you not gonna like pussy?
Friend, with cornrows: 'Cause, fool! There's only one thing better, and that's money.
Black guy, concurring: The only thing.
--Port Authority
Overheard by: Sleepy Monkey
She's Used to All That Pseudo-Italian Crap
Woman #1, pointing to smallest cup: So, what size is this?
Barista: That's a small.
Woman #1: And what size is this?
Barista: That's a medium.
Woman #1: And so what size is this?
Barista: That's a large.
Woman #2: Wow, this has been the most fascinating exchange I've heard in quite some time.
--9th St Espresso, East Village
Overheard by: Shankalicious
Just When You Thought People Were Finished Calling Chelsea Clinton a Dog...
Woman: How dare you?! How dare you?! How can you say that? How can you tell my child I don't love him? Apologize! Apologize!
Man: It's a dog.
Woman: How dare you?! Apologize right now!
--Tower Records, E 4th & Lafayette
Overheard by: Nick Draven
But Thanks Anyway for Paying to Have the Teeth in My Vagina Straightened
20-something girl, bawling: It's not funny! I turn boys gay, Dad.
--Aroma Cafe
Headline by: shudder
Runners-Up:
· "A Father's Dream Comes True" - 6th Floor Blogger
· "Put Other Daddy on the Phone!" - KJM
· "There Are No Strap-Ons Without Consequences" - Captain Hetero
· "There, There, Liza. It'll Be Okay." - Howard Bannister
· "Worst Super Power Ever" - Cricket
Click here to see the new Headline Contest
Ew. Those Aren't Peanuts, They're Chick Peas.
Woman #1: I think there's peanuts in that chicken salad.
Woman #2: There's penis in the chicken salad!
Woman #1: How could there be--? Hoo-boy, somebody needs to get laid.
--Deli, 25th & Broadway
Overheard by: Manhattman
Yeah, We've Got That
Employee: Welcome to Staples! Can I help you find something?
Lucky guy: Yeah, actually -- staples.
--Staples, Union Square
It Works Like Nature's Glue
Dude #1: Alright, guys, I gotta get home.
Dude #2: Keep your butthole tight.
Dude #3: I'll pray for you.
Dude #1: I think I'll be okay. I ate that stuff with the seaweed in it.
--Penn Station
Overheard by: Duzen
Big, Beautiful Wednesday One-Liners
Young boy to mother: No! I didn't call you fat!
--27th & 3rd
Overheard by: Andrea Leyton-Mange
Fat chick wearing tiny clothing: I got a belly with a fat pussy.
--4th & 6th
Overheard by: not what i needed to hear
Hobo: I was leaving my wife. I realized I didn't have to run away, I could just walk. The bitch couldn't fit through the door.
--A train
Black guy, about fat black girl: Damn, I know Anissa's jacket be hurtin'! That zipper be like [in falsetto], 'Heeelp! Let me down! Let me dooown!'
--Manhattan-bound 5 train
Overheard by: Lillian
Lady with sparkly blue eyeshadow: Real Women Have Curves? No, they just fat.
--Blockbuster, Broadway, between 9th & 10th
Wednesday One-Liners Are Good for You!
Fat woman: I'll be rolling in my grave, sayin', 'I ate all them collard greens, y'hear?!'
--President St, Park Slope
Overheard by: Nick Draven
Four-year-old girl on bike to two-year-old brother on scooter: Brian, you scared all the salad out of me!
--Ave B, between 5th & 6th St
Overheard by: santa's boy toy
Fordham student: Some time after I eat asparagus, you'll all have to come and smell my pee.
--Fordham University
Chick: You can't live your life in a corn maze.
--Columbia University
Overheard by: Ladle
Elderly carnivore to elderly vegetarian: What about vegetables? They have lives, too.
--Q train
Overheard by: Rich Weksberg
The Best Things in Life Are Wednesday One-Liners
Metro hawker: Free news! Free news! It may not be any good, but hey -- it's free!
--43rd & Lex
Street vendor selling soda: One dollar! ... 50 cents! ... Free!
--Ground Zero
AM New York guy: Free! And if you want it in French, 'Parlez-vous fran-free!'
--32nd & Greeley Square
Overheard by: Mary Beth
Flyer guy: Free colored pieces of paper!
--Times Square
Chick: If I didn't pee on a guy for diamonds, what makes you think I'd pee on one for free?
--Union Square Park
With Wednesday One-Liners Like These, Who Needs Enemies?
Bimbette: Luckily for me, all of my friends are really unhappy.
--Urban Outfitters, Broadway & E Houston
Overheard by: Loring
Little boy to nanny: I don't want to play with my backup friends today! I hate the transit strike!
--Central Park
JAP: Can we talk about how he went orb hunting with his friends instead of coming to my place to cuddle me?!
--Central Park
20-something chick: I would be a lot closer friends with her if it weren't for her hair.
--NJ Transit
Overheard by: Ladle
Eight-year-old girl to younger brother: You don't deserve to go to your friend's... You deserve to be punished in a dungeon!
--9th & 5th, Park Slope
Overheard by: brownthomas
Nine-year-old girl to father: All my friends have issues...
--7th Ave, Park Slope
Little girl looking at ice cream cake featuring Dora the Explorer: Look, Mommy -- there's all my friends!
--Dunkin' Donuts/Baskin Robbins, 30th Ave, Astoria
Overheard by: Wench
The Rocky Horror Wednesday One-Liner Show
Old lady to grad student son: Hmmm, I never thought of it before, but pre-op transsexuals are like ABDs!
--98th & Broadway
Overheard by: Kobayashi
Hipster: This is New York! You'd think I could have a sex change and everyone would be okay with it!
--3rd & Lex
Overheard by: West Coast Courtney
Guy: So, let me get this straight -- she was a fine-ass chick that looked like a dude that wasn't a fine-ass chick, because she looked like a dude?
--Court St & Atlantic Ave
20-ish chick: I can't believe how selfish she is. I mean, why wouldn't she share her tranny?
--Brooklyn Burger Bar
Fat Italian guy in velvet running suit: Everybody fucks... We all fuck... But did she have to fuck a guy with tits?!
--Little Italy
Overheard by: Frank C.
Man: You're right -- I thought I was the only one that thought that the skinny little woman from Sex and the City and Jennifer Aniston look like trannies.
--Chambers St & W Broadway
Overheard by: sonny
Female student: Who would have expected that they would play the 'Your dead brother is actually a woman' card?
--Columbia University
Overheard by: Matthew
Wednesday One-Liners Are Too Close for Comfort
Scholar: I've spent most of my time at NYU defending New Jersey.
--Washington Square
Queer: I knew there was a reason I live in New Jersey -- I can buy coke.
--Penn Station
Overheard by: Natalie
Indignant hobo, to self: State of New Jersey! Yeah, right!
--34th & 7th
Overheard by: Rich Mintz
Conductor: To all of you passengers wandering around looking for seats, there are five empty cars at the front of the train. They're going to New Jersey, too, you know.
--NJ Transit, Penn Station
Chick on cell: Geez, Mom! It's not my fault you decided to have another baby after forty... Well, when you put it that way, I guess it is my fault... Yeah, but you gotta talk to Dad about that last part. I was in Jersey most of that year, remember?
--L train
Overheard by: Kelly
Two-year-old boy, as train emerges from tunnel into New Jersey: Ewww!
--NJ Transit
Overheard by: my thoughts exactly
Wednesday One-Liners Feel a Draft
Sorostitute: Everyone has to be naked!
--Wagner College
Overheard by: Heather
Middle-aged lady with hubby, pointing to young band member: Hi! Since we've seen you naked on your website, we feel like we already know you!
--Party, LES
Overheard by: Tom
One maintenance worker to another: Look, man, you don't have to strip if you don't want to.
--112th & Amsterdam
Overheard by: ColumbiaBrain
Chick: ... But she didn't want to get naked in front of her pet monkey...
--Lucky Cheng's
Overheard by: ein ladle
Dude: When I got back into the room, he was naked and I was like, 'What the fuck?!' I asked him why he was and he said he thought we were gonna do chemistry homework!
--Times Square
Girl: ... But is it worth taking off my clothes again?
--Beacon's Closet dressing room
Overheard by: jayloo
What Exactly Is in Wednesday One-Liners?
Girl wrapped in towel: I'm totally going to put on my body suit... And then I'm going to cook a sausage!
--NYU
Overheard by: Caitlyn
Hispanic male: Ugh, if I see one more sausage, I'm gonna poke myself in the leg.
--Mulberry St
Overheard by: Lucia
Guy on cell: I'm thinking of leaving this business for poultry... No, you need a meat cleaver.
--Fashion District
Overheard by: Emily B.
Thug: Yo, the meat at this place is fresh, son. They got, like, a cow out back, and they be cuttin' it. The cow be like, 'Mooo-owww! Mooo-owww!' Crazy fresh meat, yo. Crazy.
--LES
Chinese-American mom grabbing child's hand: Don't touch the meat, or it will bite you!
--Hong Kong Supermarket, 60th & 8th
Art student to another: I can?t believe we have to paint another sausage tonight.
--SVA Building, W 21st St
Old man to friend: I need to go to the Albanian butcher... But I'm afraid to go in there.
--68th St, Queens
Overheard by: Maggie
Half of All Wednesday One-Liners End in Divorce
Girl to friend: Yeah, so when he enlisted, he totally asked me to marry him and was like, 'I'll get more money so I can send it to you, and if you really want to get married to someone else some day, then we can get divorced'! And he, like, was totally sincere about it. It was so sweet.
--E 49th & 5th
Overheard by: karen
Young suit: You can't break up with me just because I married her while we're engaged! It's not like I love her or anything... Like you've never married anyone for a green card!
--79th & Lex
Overheard by: cd
Man on cell: Hello? Hello? Hey, is that you, Brenda*? Yeah, yeah, it's me, Mikey*. Say, how you been doin'? Listen, you still married? You happily married? [Long pause.] Oh. Okay, listen, gotta run. You take care of yourself!
--54th & 7th
Woman on cell: If only they made penis-shaped wedding tuxes.
--Victoria's Secret, Chelsea
Overheard by: Ladle
Professor, on Dido and Aeneas' relationship in The Aeneid: Fucking in a cave does not equal marriage!
--Sarah Lawrence College
Overheard by: loving her lit lecture
30-something strolling down street, to himself: Oh, shit, I forgot my wife.
--Brooklyn
Overheard by: Kat
Wednesday One-Liners Are People, Too
Hobo: I'm looking for ladies with pretty toes. Holla, holla! So come here, mama. I like them big, fat, juicy toes.
--125th & 3rd
Overheard by: Thank God I'm wearing sneakers
Hobo to young tourists: Can you give me 85 bucks to buy a seafood platter?
--55th St, between 6th & 7th Ave
Overheard by: Rose
Hobo: Excuse me, ladies and gentlemen... Well, I'm not gonna lie -- I wanna get high mothafuckahs!
--Queens-bound N train
Overheard by: Ryan M
Hobo: Sir, can you spare me a hundred dollars for a steak dinner?
--Outside Smith & Wollensky Steakhouse
Overheard by: Lara Kahan
Hobo: You know, if the pilgrims had killed bobcats instead of turkey, we'd be eating pussy for Thanksgiving.
--C train
Hobo to MTA worker walking by: How you doing? [MTA worker keeps walking.] Alright! Keep on truckin'! [MTA worker leaves train.] Get the fuck outta here! Okay! That's all I have to say! [Hobo leaves train.]
--7 train
Papa Hemingway's Wednesday One-Liners
Guy: I may be an alcoholic, but I've had a lot of fun.
--1 train
Hot chick on cell: Should I drunkenly buy a used corset off the street?
--Morningside Heights
Overheard by: McFreaky
Lady on cell: I didn't throw up and black out -- I was just a little drunk.
--3rd & LaGuardia
Overheard by: Jay
White kid to another: Man, if you want to be authentic, we should get forties.
--118th & 3rd
Overheard by: Synthetic
Dude on cell: I don't really think he's very busy these days, but he's an excellent drunk.
--19th & 8th
Overheard by: SUSAN
Professor, on crime in the city: So, be aware. I know it's hard to be aware while you're intoxicated, but work on it.
--Columbia University
Wednesday One-Liners Wish They'd Stuck to Casual Sex
Chick: Well, our relationship has been kind of weird. I mean, the first time I met him I thought he was dorky, then the second time I met him I thought he was hot. Hot enough to fuck, because I didn't know about his girlfriend yet. Then the third time I met him I thought he was gay, and that was before I met his crazy girlfriend.
--Soho
Girl: I am so sick of dating these losers. From now on, I won't go out with any guy unless he has an entry in Wikipedia.
--Masa
Man on cell: No, I don't want to go with my girlfriend! I want to go with you, because I want to have fun!
--Washington Square Park
Overheard by: Claire H
Man on cell: ... So she called me up later, and said, 'Sorry I was such a cunt.' That's when I said to myself, 'I like this girl.'
--Outside Supreme Court, 360 Adams St, Brooklyn
Overheard by: Big Larry
Girl to boyfriend, arguing: ... But I let you have access all my orifices!
--Orchard & Delancey
Overheard by: Rob
Five-year-old boy: I've got two girlfriends, but one of them is six and I'm only five, so she's not my type.
--A train
Overheard by: Neal Mortimer
You Really Wanna Call Your Kid a "Wet Weenie" in Public?
Mom with camera, chasing kid: Are you gonna be a weenie, or are you gonna let me take your picture?
Kid: I want to go inside! I'm all wet!
Mom: You are being a weenie!
--Top of Empire State Building [while raining]
Being Shameless Is Better Than Body Armor
Woman: I just couldn't believe they would do that to another human being. The guy had one leg, and the employees walked in on him in the bathroom on purpose -- had themselves a big laugh.
Friend, in stall: If that was me, I'd pull down my pants, spread my crack, and really give them something to laugh about. Mmm-hm.
--Bathroom, Barnes & Noble
Overheard by: Natalie G.
Raise Your Hand If You'd Like to Attend the Family Reunion
Hot drunk chick #1: Oh my god, your boob just made out with my boob!
Hot drunk chick #2: We're boob brothers!
--F train
Overheard by: rach
Right after the Tooth Fairy Picks Your Mouth Clean
Mom: Just stand still, Alyssa. [Little girl tries to reach into mom's shopping bag.] Don't touch that! I said don't touch it! Do you want to go see Santa?
Little girl: Nooo!
Mom: Well, if you keep touching that, I'm going to bring you to see Santa! [Minutes later, girl reaches into bag again.] What did I tell you?! Santa's gonna get you! He's gonna come get you in your sleep!
--6 train
Overheard by: Elisabeth
Doctor: This Child's Chart Says Pneumonia. Why Are Her Legs Broken?
Guy: You should really take her to the hospital.
Woman with coughing, sweating, crying child: You wanna do somethin'? Why don't you get off yo' ass and take her temperature?! [To child] If you end up in the hospital, I'm gonna make sure you stay in the hospital!
--1 train
Fate, Kismet, Call It What You Will
Girl #1: No, no, no. That girl is just plain ugly. [Girl #1 falls flat on her face.]
Girl #2: Ummm... sorry. I don't want to be a bitch, but I think that's what they call karma.
--Columbia University
Fine. You Might As Well Blow Me.
Dancing queer #1: Your hair looks like you put your finger in an electrical socket.
Dancing queer #2: And yours is receding. And here we are.
--Fire Island Pines
Overheard by: Another Dancing Queen
Of Course I Do -- I'm a Stockholder
Frustrated customer: You know, I don't even know why I come here. Every time I have to wait on line forever -- something's always broken, something's always wrong... I should just go somewhere else!
Cashier: ... Do you have a Club Card?
--Duane Reade, 8th & Broadway
Well, They All Shit. We'll Have to Wait and See on Your Other Prediction.
Puerto Rican thug: Yo, where's yo' baby at?
Puerto Rican thugette: He home with my baby daddy. Don't you know my baby daddy?
Puerto Rican thug: Word... Where's yo' otha friend at?
Puerto Rican thugette: Oh, she havin' a baby, too, but that girl be doin' mad drugs. Baby gonna be all retarded and shit.
--Bodega, S 2nd & Driggs
Overheard by: gentrify
This Is Your Sphincter. This Is Your Sphincter on Cock. Any Questions?
Guy: Did you know that Dan* was out sick? I heard he has the shits.
Girl: The shits? I don't think he's sick. It's because of all those years of abusing his sphincter. He probably just can't hold it anymore.
--Anna Maria's Pizza, Bedford Ave, Brooklyn
Overheard by: Hobo Whisperer
Wait, David the Neighbor's Son, or David the Horny Neighborhood Yeti?
Girl: So, who did you piss off?
Actor: What? What do you mean?
Girl: Who did you piss off? Did you read your script on Friday?
Actor: No, why?
Girl: You didn't read it? Go read your script, and you'll see what I mean.
Actor: No, what? Come on, tell me. Why?
Girl: You didn't read your script on Friday?
Actor: No, why? Tell me.
Girl: They've got you with a David*, making out on the dining room table. Who did you piss off?
--ABC Cafeteria
Overheard by: Mojosaves
I'm Already Getting More Elf Ass Than I Can Handle
Drunk 40-ish lady: You wanna slide down my chimney tonight?
Hipster in Santa suit: ... No.
Drunk 40-ish lady: Kiss me.
Hipster in Santa suit: No... Ma'am.
--Bowery Ballroom
Religion Being Indistinguishable from Marketing
Scientologist man: What would you like your career to be?
Young queer: I'm still not sure. I'd like something that pays millions but doesn't require any actual work, you know?
Scientologist man: You should aspire to do more with your life if you ever want to be happy. I own my own company, and I love my life.
Young queer: Um, you're giving out free stress tests in a subway station and attempting to sell some crazy guy's book. Am I supposed to believe that this is just a hobby of yours?
Scientologist man: Yes.
--42nd St station
Overheard by: Lolita
Agree to Anal and He'll Put You in His Will
Girl #1: I don't know what to do. I don't want to sleep with him unless we're in a relationship, but I'm afraid to give him an ultimatum.
Girl #2, after a pause: Well, he wants to sleep with you, so I'm sure he'll say yes!
--A train
Eh, I'd Say Their Average Grade's an Oral-B
Early-20's girl #1: Well, how's the sex?
Early-20's girl #2: [Mumbling.]
Early-20's girl #1: Hmmm, but oral sex? Is he good at that? I hear guys are very bad at giving oral sex.
--Häagen-Dazs, Park Slope
She Has Slut-dar
Middle-aged man with suitcases: So, where's the airport, honey?
Russian chick: Oh my god. Oh my god.
Middle-aged wife: What? Newark Airport?
Russian chick: This isn't the airport, slut!
--Port Authority
He Felt Guilty about Attaining Enlightenment
JAP #1: Is he a Juddhist?
JAP #2: A what?
JAP #1: You know, a Jew Buddhist.
JAP #2: Oh, yeah, totally.
--7 train
Overheard by: Ein Berliner
He Also Predicted We'd Find WMDs in Iraq
Conductor: Ladies and gentlemen, please bear with us, as we are experiencing delays due to train traffic up ahead.
Crazy guy: I knew that! I could've told you that! [Burps loudly.] I told you that!
--F train, 75th St, Forest Hills
Overheard by: trench coat commuter
Beer Companies and Star Wars Nerds Have Little to Fear
Girl: You're on crack. Nobody's just going to start calling the Empire State Building 'ESB.'
Guy: If I do it often enough, it might start a trend.
--Empire State Building
He Also Plans to Reach the East by Sailing West
Tourist man to wife, walking to back of train as it pulls forward: C'mon, I want a seat in the front.
--NJ Transit, Penn Station
Overheard by: Casey
What He Gets for Being Fresh
Bread vendor: Hey! Lady! Don't touch the bread!
Old lady, squeezing bread: How am I gonna know if it's fresh?
Bread vendor: I'll give you fresh!
Old lady, hitting vendor with large purse in time to her speech: You. Know. What?! You're. A. Dog! Nothing but a two-bit, Lower East Side dog! That's what you are!
Bread vendor: Ahhh! [Old lady leaves.]
--Soho
Overheard by: Bulent Akman
That's Code for, "I'm Lost, Too"
Man: Excuse me, could you tell me where--
Biotech, interrupting: --Look, I don't have time to make up fake directions.
--W Broadway
Headline by: Trey Jackson
Runners-Up:
· "And This Rudeness Is Two Seconds Of My Life I'll Never Get Back" - Markle
· "And, Being a New Yorker, I Certainly Won't Give You Real Ones" - Yana
· "Mapquest's Employee Of the Month" - Claire
· "Or The Knowledge for Real Ones" - DIck
· "So Take a Left Over There" - emily bess
· "Take a Cab. Be Sure You Tell the Driver You're from Out Of Town." - jnr
Click here to see the new Headline Contest
You Have to Quit Drinking, Mary, You're Pregnant!
Drunk girl: What, you think you have a 25-inch dick? I'm not afraid of a 25-inch dick! I haven't seen your magnum dick! Show me your magnum dick! Take a magnum condom and put it on a corn cob! I didn't see your magnum dick! [Gets on train.] Diiick! Maybe there are some babies on the train, so I'll be quiet. They don't know what a big dick is. [Points at female riders] But they know what a big dick is! They know why they didn't get on the train! I'm not afraid of a big dick! I didn't see his big dick! [To male rider] You're not afraid of a big dick, are you? If I had a big dick, I would push it up on someone. I wouldn't care if they didn't want it. [More people get on.] You're not afraid of a big dick, Sparkly Jacket Man! Sparkly Jacket! You like a big dick, Hot Blue-Jacket Girl? It's the holidays! We should have cheer! Let's pray! Pray to Christ! Dear Christ and your big dick, you thrust forth and created this great nation with your sperm, Christ. Pray with me to Christ and his big dick!
Women having own convo: Yeah, so Jerry Seinfeld is coming, and my boss wanted me to get tickets.
Drunk girl: Ohhh, Seinfeld is coming! You guys like a big dick? Christmas spirit! I love all y'all. I want to give every one of you a kiss on the cheek! And a glass of champagne! Christmas spirit! With your big dick!
--L train
Overheard by: Anna
Not on a Full Stomach
Law gal #1: This is more pointless than giving a butt-ugly girl a nice haircut.
Law gal #2: Hey, a nice haircut helps.
Law gal #1: Have you looked at me lately?
--NYU Law Courtyard
Unrelated to Our Discussion of Chekhov, but Important to Know Nonetheless
Russian teacher: What sound do your chickens make?
Student: Cluck, cluck...
Russian teacher: But what about an excited chicken?
Student: What?
Russian teacher: Kudaaack-tachhh-tachhh! This is the sound of an excited chicken!
--NYU Silver Center
Overheard by: the blz
Angina, Mangina
Daughter: Yeah, and it turns out she has an extra valve in her heart!
Dad: Whoa, what does that do?
Daughter: It messes with her hormones... and stuff...
Dad: What, does she think she's a man?
--Times Square
Sorry, That's Illegal, but Might I Interest You in a Giant Cup of Caffeine?
Barista: Next customer, can I get you something started at the bar?
French woman: Double scotch, please.
--Starbucks, Washington Square
Overheard by: Collin
Jeff Housebroken? Never Happen.
Woman #1: I told Jeff the best way he could propose to me would be to tie the ring around the neck of a cute puppy...
Woman #2: Housebroken.
Woman #1: Right.
--10th & 6th
Overheard by: Don
Now Tell Me, How Were Your Areola Expectations Not Met?
Drunk girl: I don't know. I think I need new nipples.
Bartender: Well, maybe you should show me. I'm a nipple connoisseur.
--Caroline's, Broadway
Overheard by: not kidding
College - High School = One Minute
Guy #1: Hey, where you going?
Guy #2: It's about 3:15 -- I gotta go to class.
Guy #1: This is college, not high school. You don't have to be on time to class.
Guy #3: So, what are we gonna do?
Guy #1: It's 3:16! I'm late for class!
--CUNY City Tech
Overheard by: Benny
So, Um, Whatever Happened to Matt Lauer?
Girl #1: Who is he, again?
Girl #2, screaming: John Norris! He's old, gap in his teeth, MTV News guy... [Turns and sees he's been standing right next to her.] Oh! Well, hello there!
--New York Sports Club
Overheard by: anonny
I Wonder How the Kid Is with Biology, and the French He Took?
Boy looking at action figures in window: Which of these do you like best?
Girl: I'm not sure... Definitely not George Bush.
Boy, pointing to Albert Einstein: I don't like him. He invented the atomic bomb and killed loads of people.
--Times Square
We Don't Hold with Furrin Music
German vendor: Hello.
Midwestern kid: Look, chocolate.
German vendor: Do you know Mozart chocolate?
Midwestern kid: No.
German vendor: But do you know Mozart?
Midwestern mom: No.
--Christmas market, Columbus Circle
Give Up a Whole Minute I Could Spend Feeling Sorry for Myself?
Young guy: Excuse me! Do you have a minute to spare for gay rights? Sixty seconds!
Old man, walking by: I can't even get laid, and they want to worry me about gay rights!
--65th & Columbus
And Our Immortal Souls, As Well?
Professor: What have I told you about fairness?
Student: That we should forget about it.
Professor: Yes!
--NYU Law School
What Happens When You Walk Too Close to NYU
Guy #1: You're killing me vicariously.
Guy #2: Did you just say 'bi-curiously'?
Guy #1: Wow.
--14th & Broadway
Actually, the Most Ironic Thing Would Be for Him to Have Died in Bed of Old Age
Dude: Death by a stingray? Fitting if he died from a crocodile, but it would be ironic if he died from being killed by a serial killer dressed in a crocodile costume.
Chick: Haha... Yeah...
--W 4th Bun Shop
Overheard by: Lux
Read the Previous Week's Quotes!
