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So, You Knew about That?
Girlfriend: Wait, I don't get it.
Boyfriend: Awww, honey, you're so adorable when you have no idea what's going on.
Girlfriend: ... Faggot!
--Waverly Pl & University
Psh, Like the Fans Matter
Guy #1: And where did you go to high school?
Guy #2: [Names high school.]
Guy #1: Wait, where are you from, again?
Guy #2: I'm from just outside of Boston.
Guy #1: So, you're a Red Sox fan?
Guy #2: Yup.
Guy #1: Asshole.
--6 train
Overheard by: Fellow asshole
I'd Rather Be Beaten Than Listen to Any More of That
Man: Fuck you.
Woman: Fuck you.
Man: Fuck you.
Woman: Fuck you.
Six-year-old girl: Cunt.
--Grand Central
Correct -- the Man Wins a Free Cavity Search!
TSA officer: You will be going through a metal detector. The key words here are 'metal' and 'detector.' Now, let's play a game called 'What Is My Metal Belt Buckle Made Of?' What is my belt buckle made of?
Male on line: Metal?!
--JFK Airport
Overheard by: Philly Blunt
Despicable, but Cute
Hipster chick #1: She calls him 'Mango,' and I have no clue why.
Hipster chick #2: Maybe because he looks mangolian?
Hipster chick #1: Mongolian? Like, the retards?
Hipster chick #2: Yeah, that's what I meant.
Hipster chick #1: Oh, well, then that's kind of cute.
--Penn Station
Overheard by: wondering when the word cute got redefined.
When You Haven't Had Any in Over Four Hours
Mother: Honey, we're going to leave if you don't stop. You already had hot chocolate and a scone.
Toddler: But Mommy, I want another hot chocolate!
Mother, gently sipping her own coffee: Honey, you're acting like you're on baby crack.
--Espresso 77, Jackson Heights
Eventually, Oprah Would Come to Heed Her Father's Words
Father: You're white.
Daughter: No, no, no, no, no!
--Brooklyn-bound R train
Overheard by: evanescent
NYC Rules Require Me to Fuck with You
Blonde tourist #1: I think we have plenty of time before our train leaves. What time is it?
Blonde tourist #2: I have no idea. My cell phone is dead. [To passing suit] Um, sir? Do you know what time it is?
Suit, rolling his eyes up at huge clock, then at blondes: Nope.
--Grand Central info booth with four-sided clock on top
Overheard by: Matt
More Fun Than Anything I Could've Done on Long Island
Chick #1: So, what happened with you and that guy from the bar last night?
Chick #2: Oh, him? We went back to my place and had sex.
Chick #1: Oooh... How was it?!
Chick #2: Eh, it wasn't the best. He wanted to do anal, and I was tired and drunk, so I was like, 'Whatever...'
Chick #1: Oh my god, really? I would never do anal...
Chick #2: Eh, I thought so, too, but turns out it's really not that bad. It's just like shitting... only in reverse.
--LIRR
Also His Answer to "How Are You?" and "Some Weather, Huh?"
Guy #1: So, what year did you graduate from school?
Guy #2: Harvard.
--Snooty party, Bronx
Overheard by: Ladle
You Know, I've Never Seen the Two of Them in the Same Room...
Girl #1: She's a neo-con Barbie doll! She's worse than Ann Coulter.
Girl #2: Not possible.
Girl #1: No, really.
Girl #2: So she's Dick Cheney with boobs?
--Mercer & Grand
Come On! College Kids Don't Wake Up in the Morning!
Ice cream man: Yo, man, can I get a cigarette?
Male student: Uh, sure. They're cloves -- is that okay?
Ice cream man: Yeah, man. Just need some air in my lungs [lights up in the ice cream truck]. Yo, you must love going here. You must wake up in the morning and be like, 'Mmm, smells like...' Hahaha
--Outside F.I.T.
Overheard by: Monochrome
And He's about to Mace You
Old lady, to two-year-old: ... And what a sweet little girl you are! [Lady turns to child's father] It's nice to see that in this day of child molesters and perverts your daughter isn't afraid of playing with complete strangers.
Old lady's old hubby, whispering: Honey, that's a little boy.
--La Bagel, 15th & 1st
Where the Meth Comes Sweepin' Down the Plain
Bimbette: Not a lot of people do meth anymore. It's like one in ten million.
Guy: What?! It's like the crack of the Midwest. Everyone does it.
Bimbette: No, it only seems like that because they're all in one state.
Guy: Which one?
Bimbette: Oklahoma.
--Brooklyn Tech
Overheard by: Is Kathy Ireland, the designer, one of them?
A Task That Tricky Should Only Be Handled by a Professional
Young mom, picking daughter's nose: I see something in there!
Little girl turns head an picks own nose: I'll get it!
Young mom, going in again: Don't pick your nose!
--A train
Overheard by: amused
Hard to Believe Mary Kate and Ashley Are America's Sweethearts
NYU girl #1: You promised!
NYU girl #1: That doesn't count! I was drunk.
NYU girl #1: You're always drunk. It counts.
--W 4th & University Pl
Overheard by: jess
When Engorged, It Looks Freakishly Like Ryan Reynolds
Hetero dude: ... So it was just like the movie Smoking Aces, except it was your penis?
Queer: Exactly!
--Peculier Pub
Better Yet, Provoke That Hobo
Teen girl: I was worried it had rabies or something. But seriously, how cool would it be if I got to go back to Tennessee and say I'd been mauled by a squirrel while I was in New York?
Mom: Well, we've got health insurance now, so you go ahead and give it another shot. I'll get it on video.
--Isham & Cooper
Overheard by: Rose Fox
There Was Abundant Opportunity for a "Help Me with My Organ" Joke
Chick to guy on cell: Excuse me -- this is a random question, but are you a piano tuner?
Guy on cell, pausing to stare at chick: That is the most random question someone has ever asked me in my entire life. [Walks away.]
--Clinton & Joralemon, Brooklyn Heights
Overheard by: WTF?
None of Them Would Talk to Me
Preppy guy #1: How was that bar in Midtown?
Preppy guy #2: Dude, it was awesome... It was full of hot chicks.
Preppy guy #1: If it was so great, why did you text me eight times in one hour and are now standing next to me pissing at this bar?
--Restroom, Delancey Bar
Overheard by: Al
Because I'm Still Failing His Class
Girl #1: So, what's going on?
Girl #2: I think we're dating, but I'm totally miserable!
--W 4th, between Charles & Perry
Overheard by: couple laughing loudly
It's Rain with DNA
Woman #1: Is it just me, or is it starting to rain?
Woman #2: No, someone probably spat on you.
--W 35th St
I Tune Out When I Hear "Paris Hilton," Too
Asian guy #1: Paris Hilton. When you're walking out of an elevator and you see Paris Hilton, it's like you're starstruck.
Asian guy #2: Yeah. [They exit.]
Middle-aged woman: Yadda, yadda, yadda.
--Elevator, 34th & Broadway
Overheard by: Rita and Laura
Wine's Not Bad, Either
NYU boy #1: The French used to be all militaristic, like, back in the time of Napoleon.
NYU boy #2: Yeah, but now they're just all about wine and cheese.
NYU boy #1: Yeah... Cheese is good, though.
NYU boy #2: True, very true.
--Silver Center, NYU
Overheard by: Sam
We Should Not Have Smoked Weed before Math Class
Guy: Do you think Jim's cute?
Girl: He looks like a baby.
Guy: Like an isosceles baby.
Girl: His head is made of polygons.
--Metropolitan & Lorimer
Overheard by: Olga
At Least Not Until You Start Wearing Something Under Your Dress
Drunk girl: I want to do a cartwheel!
Sober girl: No. No, no, no.
Drunk girl: But I'm so good at them -- and handstands! I can do mad-good handstands. Watch! Watch me! [Puts her hands on the ground.]
Sober girl: I said no!
--E 10th & Ave A
Overheard by: simon says
She's Unconscious and Naked Right Now
Lady: Why are you wearing a St. John's shirt? Do you go there?
13-year-old girl: It's a college, Agnes.
Lady: Do you go there?
13-year-old girl: No, my sister does.
Lady: Then why isn't she wearing it?
--McDonald's, Francis Lewis Blvd & Willets Pt, Queens
Can't...Look...Away...
Man: This looks like a good place!
Large woman, unzipping her fly: I'll probably get arrested for whippin' the bitch out!
--Prospect Park
Overheard by: Kitty C.
I Just Need to Go Get My Beer Stein
Man on cell, inaudible at first: ... Whale sperm.
Business chick: Did you just say 'whale sperm'?
Man, to chick: Yeah.
Business chick: Perfect!
Man, into cell: Great. I'll be there in two minutes.
--55 Water St
Overheard by: Billy Splatts!
Jason's World Gets Unpleasantly Rocked
Man #1: Dude, Van Halen rocks!
Man #2: Um, that's not Van Halen.
Man #1: What?!
--Men's room, Jethro Tull concert
Overheard by: Mike N
Although a Long Bubble Bath and a Cup of Earl Grey Are Quite Delightful as Well
Black guy: What the fuck is wrong with you? How are you not gonna like pussy?
Friend, with cornrows: 'Cause, fool! There's only one thing better, and that's money.
Black guy, concurring: The only thing.
--Port Authority
Overheard by: Sleepy Monkey
She's Used to All That Pseudo-Italian Crap
Woman #1, pointing to smallest cup: So, what size is this?
Barista: That's a small.
Woman #1: And what size is this?
Barista: That's a medium.
Woman #1: And so what size is this?
Barista: That's a large.
Woman #2: Wow, this has been the most fascinating exchange I've heard in quite some time.
--9th St Espresso, East Village
Overheard by: Shankalicious
Just When You Thought People Were Finished Calling Chelsea Clinton a Dog...
Woman: How dare you?! How dare you?! How can you say that? How can you tell my child I don't love him? Apologize! Apologize!
Man: It's a dog.
Woman: How dare you?! Apologize right now!
--Tower Records, E 4th & Lafayette
Overheard by: Nick Draven
But Thanks Anyway for Paying to Have the Teeth in My Vagina Straightened
20-something girl, bawling: It's not funny! I turn boys gay, Dad.
--Aroma Cafe
Headline by: shudder
Runners-Up:
· "A Father's Dream Comes True" - 6th Floor Blogger
· "Put Other Daddy on the Phone!" - KJM
· "There Are No Strap-Ons Without Consequences" - Captain Hetero
· "There, There, Liza. It'll Be Okay." - Howard Bannister
· "Worst Super Power Ever" - Cricket
Click here to see the new Headline Contest
Ew. Those Aren't Peanuts, They're Chick Peas.
Woman #1: I think there's peanuts in that chicken salad.
Woman #2: There's penis in the chicken salad!
Woman #1: How could there be--? Hoo-boy, somebody needs to get laid.
--Deli, 25th & Broadway
Overheard by: Manhattman
Yeah, We've Got That
Employee: Welcome to Staples! Can I help you find something?
Lucky guy: Yeah, actually -- staples.
--Staples, Union Square
It Works Like Nature's Glue
Dude #1: Alright, guys, I gotta get home.
Dude #2: Keep your butthole tight.
Dude #3: I'll pray for you.
Dude #1: I think I'll be okay. I ate that stuff with the seaweed in it.
--Penn Station
Overheard by: Duzen
Big, Beautiful Wednesday One-Liners
Young boy to mother: No! I didn't call you fat!
--27th & 3rd
Overheard by: Andrea Leyton-Mange
Fat chick wearing tiny clothing: I got a belly with a fat pussy.
--4th & 6th
Overheard by: not what i needed to hear
Hobo: I was leaving my wife. I realized I didn't have to run away, I could just walk. The bitch couldn't fit through the door.
--A train
Black guy, about fat black girl: Damn, I know Anissa's jacket be hurtin'! That zipper be like [in falsetto], 'Heeelp! Let me down! Let me dooown!'
--Manhattan-bound 5 train
Overheard by: Lillian
Lady with sparkly blue eyeshadow: Real Women Have Curves? No, they just fat.
--Blockbuster, Broadway, between 9th & 10th
Wednesday One-Liners Are Good for You!
Fat woman: I'll be rolling in my grave, sayin', 'I ate all them collard greens, y'hear?!'
--President St, Park Slope
Overheard by: Nick Draven
Four-year-old girl on bike to two-year-old brother on scooter: Brian, you scared all the salad out of me!
--Ave B, between 5th & 6th St
Overheard by: santa's boy toy
Fordham student: Some time after I eat asparagus, you'll all have to come and smell my pee.
--Fordham University
Chick: You can't live your life in a corn maze.
--Columbia University
Overheard by: Ladle
Elderly carnivore to elderly vegetarian: What about vegetables? They have lives, too.
--Q train
Overheard by: Rich Weksberg
The Best Things in Life Are Wednesday One-Liners
Metro hawker: Free news! Free news! It may not be any good, but hey -- it's free!
--43rd & Lex
Street vendor selling soda: One dollar! ... 50 cents! ... Free!
--Ground Zero
AM New York guy: Free! And if you want it in French, 'Parlez-vous fran-free!'
--32nd & Greeley Square
Overheard by: Mary Beth
Flyer guy: Free colored pieces of paper!
--Times Square
Chick: If I didn't pee on a guy for diamonds, what makes you think I'd pee on one for free?
--Union Square Park
With Wednesday One-Liners Like These, Who Needs Enemies?
Bimbette: Luckily for me, all of my friends are really unhappy.
--Urban Outfitters, Broadway & E Houston
Overheard by: Loring
Little boy to nanny: I don't want to play with my backup friends today! I hate the transit strike!
--Central Park
JAP: Can we talk about how he went orb hunting with his friends instead of coming to my place to cuddle me?!
--Central Park
20-something chick: I would be a lot closer friends with her if it weren't for her hair.
--NJ Transit
Overheard by: Ladle
Eight-year-old girl to younger brother: You don't deserve to go to your friend's... You deserve to be punished in a dungeon!
--9th & 5th, Park Slope
Overheard by: brownthomas
Nine-year-old girl to father: All my friends have issues...
--7th Ave, Park Slope
Little girl looking at ice cream cake featuring Dora the Explorer: Look, Mommy -- there's all my friends!
--Dunkin' Donuts/Baskin Robbins, 30th Ave, Astoria
Overheard by: Wench
The Rocky Horror Wednesday One-Liner Show
Old lady to grad student son: Hmmm, I never thought of it before, but pre-op transsexuals are like ABDs!
--98th & Broadway
Overheard by: Kobayashi
Hipster: This is New York! You'd think I could have a sex change and everyone would be okay with it!
--3rd & Lex
Overheard by: West Coast Courtney
Guy: So, let me get this straight -- she was a fine-ass chick that looked like a dude that wasn't a fine-ass chick, because she looked like a dude?
--Court St & Atlantic Ave
20-ish chick: I can't believe how selfish she is. I mean, why wouldn't she share her tranny?
--Brooklyn Burger Bar
Fat Italian guy in velvet running suit: Everybody fucks... We all fuck... But did she have to fuck a guy with tits?!
--Little Italy
Overheard by: Frank C.
Man: You're right -- I thought I was the only one that thought that the skinny little woman from Sex and the City and Jennifer Aniston look like trannies.
--Chambers St & W Broadway
Overheard by: sonny
Female student: Who would have expected that they would play the 'Your dead brother is actually a woman' card?
--Columbia University
Overheard by: Matthew
Wednesday One-Liners Are Too Close for Comfort
Scholar: I've spent most of my time at NYU defending New Jersey.
--Washington Square
Queer: I knew there was a reason I live in New Jersey -- I can buy coke.
--Penn Station
Overheard by: Natalie
Indignant hobo, to self: State of New Jersey! Yeah, right!
--34th & 7th
Overheard by: Rich Mintz
Conductor: To all of you passengers wandering around looking for seats, there are five empty cars at the front of the train. They're going to New Jersey, too, you know.
--NJ Transit, Penn Station
Chick on cell: Geez, Mom! It's not my fault you decided to have another baby after forty... Well, when you put it that way, I guess it is my fault... Yeah, but you gotta talk to Dad about that last part. I was in Jersey most of that year, remember?
--L train
Overheard by: Kelly
Two-year-old boy, as train emerges from tunnel into New Jersey: Ewww!
--NJ Transit
Overheard by: my thoughts exactly
Wednesday One-Liners Feel a Draft
Sorostitute: Everyone has to be naked!
--Wagner College
Overheard by: Heather
Middle-aged lady with hubby, pointing to young band member: Hi! Since we've seen you naked on your website, we feel like we already know you!
--Party, LES
Overheard by: Tom
One maintenance worker to another: Look, man, you don't have to strip if you don't want to.
--112th & Amsterdam
Overheard by: ColumbiaBrain
Chick: ... But she didn't want to get naked in front of her pet monkey...
--Lucky Cheng's
Overheard by: ein ladle
Dude: When I got back into the room, he was naked and I was like, 'What the fuck?!' I asked him why he was and he said he thought we were gonna do chemistry homework!
--Times Square
Girl: ... But is it worth taking off my clothes again?
--Beacon's Closet dressing room
Overheard by: jayloo
What Exactly Is in Wednesday One-Liners?
Girl wrapped in towel: I'm totally going to put on my body suit... And then I'm going to cook a sausage!
--NYU
Overheard by: Caitlyn
Hispanic male: Ugh, if I see one more sausage, I'm gonna poke myself in the leg.
--Mulberry St
Overheard by: Lucia
Guy on cell: I'm thinking of leaving this business for poultry... No, you need a meat cleaver.
--Fashion District
Overheard by: Emily B.
Thug: Yo, the meat at this place is fresh, son. They got, like, a cow out back, and they be cuttin' it. The cow be like, 'Mooo-owww! Mooo-owww!' Crazy fresh meat, yo. Crazy.
--LES
Chinese-American mom grabbing child's hand: Don't touch the meat, or it will bite you!
--Hong Kong Supermarket, 60th & 8th
Art student to another: I can?t believe we have to paint another sausage tonight.
--SVA Building, W 21st St
Old man to friend: I need to go to the Albanian butcher... But I'm afraid to go in there.
--68th St, Queens
Overheard by: Maggie