So, You Knew about That?

Girlfriend: Wait, I don't get it.
Boyfriend: Awww, honey, you're so adorable when you have no idea what's going on.
Girlfriend: ... Faggot!

--Waverly Pl & University


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Psh, Like the Fans Matter

Guy #1: And where did you go to high school?
Guy #2: [Names high school.]
Guy #1: Wait, where are you from, again?
Guy #2: I'm from just outside of Boston.
Guy #1: So, you're a Red Sox fan?
Guy #2: Yup.
Guy #1: Asshole.

--6 train

Overheard by: Fellow asshole


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I'd Rather Be Beaten Than Listen to Any More of That

Man: Fuck you.
Woman: Fuck you.
Man: Fuck you.
Woman: Fuck you.
Six-year-old girl: Cunt.

--Grand Central


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Correct -- the Man Wins a Free Cavity Search!

TSA officer: You will be going through a metal detector. The key words here are 'metal' and 'detector.' Now, let's play a game called 'What Is My Metal Belt Buckle Made Of?' What is my belt buckle made of?
Male on line: Metal?!

--JFK Airport

Overheard by: Philly Blunt


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Despicable, but Cute

Hipster chick #1: She calls him 'Mango,' and I have no clue why.
Hipster chick #2: Maybe because he looks mangolian?
Hipster chick #1: Mongolian? Like, the retards?
Hipster chick #2: Yeah, that's what I meant.
Hipster chick #1: Oh, well, then that's kind of cute.

--Penn Station

Overheard by: wondering when the word cute got redefined.


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When You Haven't Had Any in Over Four Hours

Mother: Honey, we're going to leave if you don't stop. You already had hot chocolate and a scone.
Toddler: But Mommy, I want another hot chocolate!
Mother, gently sipping her own coffee: Honey, you're acting like you're on baby crack.

--Espresso 77, Jackson Heights


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Eventually, Oprah Would Come to Heed Her Father's Words

Father: You're white.
Daughter: No, no, no, no, no!

--Brooklyn-bound R train

Overheard by: evanescent


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NYC Rules Require Me to Fuck with You

Blonde tourist #1: I think we have plenty of time before our train leaves. What time is it?
Blonde tourist #2: I have no idea. My cell phone is dead. [To passing suit] Um, sir? Do you know what time it is?
Suit, rolling his eyes up at huge clock, then at blondes: Nope.

--Grand Central info booth with four-sided clock on top

Overheard by: Matt


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More Fun Than Anything I Could've Done on Long Island

Chick #1: So, what happened with you and that guy from the bar last night?
Chick #2: Oh, him? We went back to my place and had sex.
Chick #1: Oooh... How was it?!
Chick #2: Eh, it wasn't the best. He wanted to do anal, and I was tired and drunk, so I was like, 'Whatever...'
Chick #1: Oh my god, really? I would never do anal...
Chick #2: Eh, I thought so, too, but turns out it's really not that bad. It's just like shitting... only in reverse.

--LIRR


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Also His Answer to "How Are You?" and "Some Weather, Huh?"

Guy #1: So, what year did you graduate from school?
Guy #2: Harvard.

--Snooty party, Bronx

Overheard by: Ladle


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You Know, I've Never Seen the Two of Them in the Same Room...

Girl #1: She's a neo-con Barbie doll! She's worse than Ann Coulter.
Girl #2: Not possible.
Girl #1: No, really.
Girl #2: So she's Dick Cheney with boobs?

--Mercer & Grand


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Come On! College Kids Don't Wake Up in the Morning!

Ice cream man: Yo, man, can I get a cigarette?
Male student: Uh, sure. They're cloves -- is that okay?
Ice cream man: Yeah, man. Just need some air in my lungs [lights up in the ice cream truck]. Yo, you must love going here. You must wake up in the morning and be like, 'Mmm, smells like...' Hahaha

--Outside F.I.T.

Overheard by: Monochrome


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And He's about to Mace You

Old lady, to two-year-old: ... And what a sweet little girl you are! [Lady turns to child's father] It's nice to see that in this day of child molesters and perverts your daughter isn't afraid of playing with complete strangers.
Old lady's old hubby, whispering: Honey, that's a little boy.

--La Bagel, 15th & 1st


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Where the Meth Comes Sweepin' Down the Plain

Bimbette: Not a lot of people do meth anymore. It's like one in ten million.
Guy: What?! It's like the crack of the Midwest. Everyone does it.
Bimbette: No, it only seems like that because they're all in one state.
Guy: Which one?
Bimbette: Oklahoma.

--Brooklyn Tech

Overheard by: Is Kathy Ireland, the designer, one of them?


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A Task That Tricky Should Only Be Handled by a Professional

Young mom, picking daughter's nose: I see something in there!
Little girl turns head an picks own nose: I'll get it!
Young mom, going in again: Don't pick your nose!

--A train

Overheard by: amused


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Hard to Believe Mary Kate and Ashley Are America's Sweethearts

NYU girl #1: You promised!
NYU girl #1: That doesn't count! I was drunk.
NYU girl #1: You're always drunk. It counts.

--W 4th & University Pl

Overheard by: jess


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When Engorged, It Looks Freakishly Like Ryan Reynolds

Hetero dude: ... So it was just like the movie Smoking Aces, except it was your penis?
Queer: Exactly!

--Peculier Pub


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Better Yet, Provoke That Hobo

Teen girl: I was worried it had rabies or something. But seriously, how cool would it be if I got to go back to Tennessee and say I'd been mauled by a squirrel while I was in New York?
Mom: Well, we've got health insurance now, so you go ahead and give it another shot. I'll get it on video.

--Isham & Cooper

Overheard by: Rose Fox


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There Was Abundant Opportunity for a "Help Me with My Organ" Joke

Chick to guy on cell: Excuse me -- this is a random question, but are you a piano tuner?
Guy on cell, pausing to stare at chick: That is the most random question someone has ever asked me in my entire life. [Walks away.]

--Clinton & Joralemon, Brooklyn Heights

Overheard by: WTF?


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None of Them Would Talk to Me

Preppy guy #1: How was that bar in Midtown?
Preppy guy #2: Dude, it was awesome... It was full of hot chicks.
Preppy guy #1: If it was so great, why did you text me eight times in one hour and are now standing next to me pissing at this bar?

--Restroom, Delancey Bar

Overheard by: Al


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Because I'm Still Failing His Class

Girl #1: So, what's going on?
Girl #2: I think we're dating, but I'm totally miserable!

--W 4th, between Charles & Perry

Overheard by: couple laughing loudly


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It's Rain with DNA

Woman #1: Is it just me, or is it starting to rain?
Woman #2: No, someone probably spat on you.

--W 35th St


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I Tune Out When I Hear "Paris Hilton," Too

Asian guy #1: Paris Hilton. When you're walking out of an elevator and you see Paris Hilton, it's like you're starstruck.
Asian guy #2: Yeah. [They exit.]
Middle-aged woman: Yadda, yadda, yadda.

--Elevator, 34th & Broadway

Overheard by: Rita and Laura


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Wine's Not Bad, Either

NYU boy #1: The French used to be all militaristic, like, back in the time of Napoleon.
NYU boy #2: Yeah, but now they're just all about wine and cheese.
NYU boy #1: Yeah... Cheese is good, though.
NYU boy #2: True, very true.

--Silver Center, NYU

Overheard by: Sam


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We Should Not Have Smoked Weed before Math Class

Guy: Do you think Jim's cute?
Girl: He looks like a baby.
Guy: Like an isosceles baby.
Girl: His head is made of polygons.

--Metropolitan & Lorimer

Overheard by: Olga


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At Least Not Until You Start Wearing Something Under Your Dress

Drunk girl: I want to do a cartwheel!
Sober girl: No. No, no, no.
Drunk girl: But I'm so good at them -- and handstands! I can do mad-good handstands. Watch! Watch me! [Puts her hands on the ground.]
Sober girl: I said no!

--E 10th & Ave A

Overheard by: simon says


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She's Unconscious and Naked Right Now

Lady: Why are you wearing a St. John's shirt? Do you go there?
13-year-old girl: It's a college, Agnes.
Lady: Do you go there?
13-year-old girl: No, my sister does.
Lady: Then why isn't she wearing it?

--McDonald's, Francis Lewis Blvd & Willets Pt, Queens


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Can't...Look...Away...

Man: This looks like a good place!
Large woman, unzipping her fly: I'll probably get arrested for whippin' the bitch out!

--Prospect Park

Overheard by: Kitty C.


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I Just Need to Go Get My Beer Stein

Man on cell, inaudible at first: ... Whale sperm.
Business chick: Did you just say 'whale sperm'?
Man, to chick: Yeah.
Business chick: Perfect!
Man, into cell: Great. I'll be there in two minutes.

--55 Water St

Overheard by: Billy Splatts!


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Jason's World Gets Unpleasantly Rocked

Man #1: Dude, Van Halen rocks!
Man #2: Um, that's not Van Halen.
Man #1: What?!

--Men's room, Jethro Tull concert

Overheard by: Mike N


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Although a Long Bubble Bath and a Cup of Earl Grey Are Quite Delightful as Well

Black guy: What the fuck is wrong with you? How are you not gonna like pussy?
Friend, with cornrows: 'Cause, fool! There's only one thing better, and that's money.
Black guy, concurring: The only thing.

--Port Authority

Overheard by: Sleepy Monkey


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She's Used to All That Pseudo-Italian Crap

Woman #1, pointing to smallest cup: So, what size is this?
Barista: That's a small.
Woman #1: And what size is this?
Barista: That's a medium.
Woman #1: And so what size is this?
Barista: That's a large.
Woman #2: Wow, this has been the most fascinating exchange I've heard in quite some time.

--9th St Espresso, East Village

Overheard by: Shankalicious


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Just When You Thought People Were Finished Calling Chelsea Clinton a Dog...

Woman: How dare you?! How dare you?! How can you say that? How can you tell my child I don't love him? Apologize! Apologize!
Man: It's a dog.
Woman: How dare you?! Apologize right now!

--Tower Records, E 4th & Lafayette

Overheard by: Nick Draven


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But Thanks Anyway for Paying to Have the Teeth in My Vagina Straightened

20-something girl, bawling: It's not funny! I turn boys gay, Dad.

--Aroma Cafe

Headline by: shudder

Runners-Up:
· "A Father's Dream Comes True" - 6th Floor Blogger
· "Put Other Daddy on the Phone!" - KJM
· "There Are No Strap-Ons Without Consequences" - Captain Hetero
· "There, There, Liza. It'll Be Okay." - Howard Bannister
· "Worst Super Power Ever" - Cricket


Click here to see the new Headline Contest


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Ew. Those Aren't Peanuts, They're Chick Peas.

Woman #1: I think there's peanuts in that chicken salad.
Woman #2: There's penis in the chicken salad!
Woman #1: How could there be--? Hoo-boy, somebody needs to get laid.

--Deli, 25th & Broadway

Overheard by: Manhattman


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Yeah, We've Got That

Employee: Welcome to Staples! Can I help you find something?
Lucky guy: Yeah, actually -- staples.

--Staples, Union Square


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It Works Like Nature's Glue

Dude #1: Alright, guys, I gotta get home.
Dude #2: Keep your butthole tight.
Dude #3: I'll pray for you.
Dude #1: I think I'll be okay. I ate that stuff with the seaweed in it.

--Penn Station

Overheard by: Duzen


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Big, Beautiful Wednesday One-Liners

Young boy to mother: No! I didn't call you fat!

--27th & 3rd

Overheard by: Andrea Leyton-Mange

Fat chick wearing tiny clothing: I got a belly with a fat pussy.

--4th & 6th

Overheard by: not what i needed to hear

Hobo: I was leaving my wife. I realized I didn't have to run away, I could just walk. The bitch couldn't fit through the door.

--A train

Black guy, about fat black girl: Damn, I know Anissa's jacket be hurtin'! That zipper be like [in falsetto], 'Heeelp! Let me down! Let me dooown!'

--Manhattan-bound 5 train

Overheard by: Lillian

Lady with sparkly blue eyeshadow: Real Women Have Curves? No, they just fat.

--Blockbuster, Broadway, between 9th & 10th


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Wednesday One-Liners Are Good for You!

Fat woman: I'll be rolling in my grave, sayin', 'I ate all them collard greens, y'hear?!'

--President St, Park Slope

Overheard by: Nick Draven

Four-year-old girl on bike to two-year-old brother on scooter: Brian, you scared all the salad out of me!

--Ave B, between 5th & 6th St

Overheard by: santa's boy toy

Fordham student: Some time after I eat asparagus, you'll all have to come and smell my pee.

--Fordham University

Chick: You can't live your life in a corn maze.

--Columbia University

Overheard by: Ladle

Elderly carnivore to elderly vegetarian: What about vegetables? They have lives, too.

--Q train

Overheard by: Rich Weksberg


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The Best Things in Life Are Wednesday One-Liners

Metro hawker: Free news! Free news! It may not be any good, but hey -- it's free!

--43rd & Lex

Street vendor selling soda: One dollar! ... 50 cents! ... Free!

--Ground Zero

AM New York guy: Free! And if you want it in French, 'Parlez-vous fran-free!'

--32nd & Greeley Square

Overheard by: Mary Beth

Flyer guy: Free colored pieces of paper!

--Times Square

Chick: If I didn't pee on a guy for diamonds, what makes you think I'd pee on one for free?

--Union Square Park


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With Wednesday One-Liners Like These, Who Needs Enemies?

Bimbette: Luckily for me, all of my friends are really unhappy.

--Urban Outfitters, Broadway & E Houston

Overheard by: Loring

Little boy to nanny: I don't want to play with my backup friends today! I hate the transit strike!

--Central Park

JAP: Can we talk about how he went orb hunting with his friends instead of coming to my place to cuddle me?!

--Central Park

20-something chick: I would be a lot closer friends with her if it weren't for her hair.

--NJ Transit

Overheard by: Ladle

Eight-year-old girl to younger brother: You don't deserve to go to your friend's... You deserve to be punished in a dungeon!

--9th & 5th, Park Slope

Overheard by: brownthomas

Nine-year-old girl to father: All my friends have issues...

--7th Ave, Park Slope

Little girl looking at ice cream cake featuring Dora the Explorer: Look, Mommy -- there's all my friends!

--Dunkin' Donuts/Baskin Robbins, 30th Ave, Astoria

Overheard by: Wench


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The Rocky Horror Wednesday One-Liner Show

Old lady to grad student son: Hmmm, I never thought of it before, but pre-op transsexuals are like ABDs!

--98th & Broadway

Overheard by: Kobayashi

Hipster: This is New York! You'd think I could have a sex change and everyone would be okay with it!

--3rd & Lex

Overheard by: West Coast Courtney

Guy: So, let me get this straight -- she was a fine-ass chick that looked like a dude that wasn't a fine-ass chick, because she looked like a dude?

--Court St & Atlantic Ave

20-ish chick: I can't believe how selfish she is. I mean, why wouldn't she share her tranny?

--Brooklyn Burger Bar

Fat Italian guy in velvet running suit: Everybody fucks... We all fuck... But did she have to fuck a guy with tits?!

--Little Italy

Overheard by: Frank C.

Man: You're right -- I thought I was the only one that thought that the skinny little woman from Sex and the City and Jennifer Aniston look like trannies.

--Chambers St & W Broadway

Overheard by: sonny

Female student: Who would have expected that they would play the 'Your dead brother is actually a woman' card?

--Columbia University

Overheard by: Matthew


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Wednesday One-Liners Are Too Close for Comfort

Scholar: I've spent most of my time at NYU defending New Jersey.

--Washington Square

Queer: I knew there was a reason I live in New Jersey -- I can buy coke.

--Penn Station

Overheard by: Natalie

Indignant hobo, to self: State of New Jersey! Yeah, right!

--34th & 7th

Overheard by: Rich Mintz

Conductor: To all of you passengers wandering around looking for seats, there are five empty cars at the front of the train. They're going to New Jersey, too, you know.

--NJ Transit, Penn Station

Chick on cell: Geez, Mom! It's not my fault you decided to have another baby after forty... Well, when you put it that way, I guess it is my fault... Yeah, but you gotta talk to Dad about that last part. I was in Jersey most of that year, remember?

--L train

Overheard by: Kelly

Two-year-old boy, as train emerges from tunnel into New Jersey: Ewww!

--NJ Transit

Overheard by: my thoughts exactly


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Wednesday One-Liners Feel a Draft

Sorostitute: Everyone has to be naked!

--Wagner College

Overheard by: Heather

Middle-aged lady with hubby, pointing to young band member: Hi! Since we've seen you naked on your website, we feel like we already know you!

--Party, LES

Overheard by: Tom

One maintenance worker to another: Look, man, you don't have to strip if you don't want to.

--112th & Amsterdam

Overheard by: ColumbiaBrain

Chick: ... But she didn't want to get naked in front of her pet monkey...

--Lucky Cheng's

Overheard by: ein ladle

Dude: When I got back into the room, he was naked and I was like, 'What the fuck?!' I asked him why he was and he said he thought we were gonna do chemistry homework!

--Times Square

Girl: ... But is it worth taking off my clothes again?

--Beacon's Closet dressing room

Overheard by: jayloo


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What Exactly Is in Wednesday One-Liners?

Girl wrapped in towel: I'm totally going to put on my body suit... And then I'm going to cook a sausage!

--NYU

Overheard by: Caitlyn

Hispanic male: Ugh, if I see one more sausage, I'm gonna poke myself in the leg.

--Mulberry St

Overheard by: Lucia

Guy on cell: I'm thinking of leaving this business for poultry... No, you need a meat cleaver.

--Fashion District

Overheard by: Emily B.

Thug: Yo, the meat at this place is fresh, son. They got, like, a cow out back, and they be cuttin' it. The cow be like, 'Mooo-owww! Mooo-owww!' Crazy fresh meat, yo. Crazy.

--LES

Chinese-American mom grabbing child's hand: Don't touch the meat, or it will bite you!

--Hong Kong Supermarket, 60th & 8th

Art student to another: I can?t believe we have to paint another sausage tonight.

--SVA Building, W 21st St

Old man to friend: I need to go to the Albanian butcher... But I'm afraid to go in there.

--68th St, Queens

Overheard by: Maggie


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Half of All Wednesday One-Liners End in Divorce

Girl to friend: Yeah, so wh