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Stuart Is Fed, Bathed, and Tutored by an I-Book
Woman in ad on TV: 'Watch these wrinkles disappear--'
Little boy nearby: --With Photoshop!
--Webster & Tremont, Bronx
So He Dressed Up Like a Middle-Aged Lesbian?
Middle-aged man: Clint Eastwood dressed up like a woman?
Middle-aged woman: Well, he wore a poncho...
--Grand Central
Overheard by: Mupa-san
It's Time You Straightened Out and Learned to Speakify Correctized
Preteen boy to another: Yo, he kilt that dude on the court!
Adult chaperone: 'Kilt'?
Preteen boy: Killed.
Adult chaperone: And what is 'kilt'?
Preteen boys, in chorus: A vernacular term.
Adult chaperone: That ain't English.
--8th Ave-bound L train
Overheard by: i seize teaching opportunities too
Dad's Mistake Was Watching Speed with Him
Little boy sitting on dad's shoulders and crying: But I make good decisions! I want to take a taxi! I don't want to take the bus! I make good decisions. Why doesn't anybody listen to meee?!
Dad: Honey, because you're three.
Little boy, sobbing and hailing a cab: Taxi!
--Uptown M15 bus stop
Manhattan's Latest Specialty Store in the Making
Girl #1: I don't know what I want to eat. I'm trying to decide between sushi and cereal.
Girl #2: All I know is I want something hot. I don't really care what. This is just one of those times when you want something warm in your mouth, whether it's a cup of soup or a penis.
--2 train
I Am So Telling Her about the Lipstick
Man: I love your mom.
Woman: What?! No you don't!
Man: I always speak well of her.
Woman: No, you don't.
Man: I don't say, 'I gave your mom 20 bucks for a cab home last night.' I don't say, 'Tell your mom to stop changing her lipstick -- my dick looks like a rainbow.' I don't say, 'After meeting your mom, all my friends have herpes.' In fact, I don't say anything rude at all.
Woman, cell ringing: It's mom calling.
--Union Square
Overheard by: Dave
Nothing a Bouquet of Flowers or Some Vagisil Can't Fix
Chick: She's a little angry right now.
Guy: Who, my mom or your cooch?
--4 train
Overheard by: Rachie
When Served with Ketchup, It's Black and White and Red All Over
Girl #1: Did you know that there's a cheeseburger that costs a thousand dollars?
Girl #2: What is it made out of? Panda meat?
--Hinch's, Bay Ridge, Brooklyn
Hot Chicks Can Use Anything As a Pick-Up Line
Guy #1: Thank God we cant get pregnant.
Guy #2: Yes! [Slaps high-five.]
Drunk girl: Normally I'd slap you five, but I stopped taking birth control last week... So if anyone wants to impregnate me, now is the time!
--Penn Station
Thanks -- You, Too
Guy is riding Vespa in bike lane, and girl opens her car door, nearly taking him out.
Girl: I'm sooo sorry about that.
Vespa guy: No, it's my fault.
Girl: Well, fuck you, then.
--Chelsea
Judging from the Way You're Licking That Protractor
Student: Um, sir, don't you have to divide through by X?
Elderly math teacher: I have no idea what you just said, but I'm sure it was provocative.
--Stuyvesant High
... Updating God's MySpace Profile for Him
Bald white monk in orange robes: [Mumbling to himself.]
Bimbette, to friend: I guess he's, like, praying for a safe journey.
Bald white monk in orange robes: No, I'm on the phone [shows BlackBerry].
--Metro-North
Overheard by: jharris
It Takes a D Train to Raise a Baby
Black teen girl #1, about screaming baby at other end of car: Yo, someone needs to tell that baby to hush up.
Black teen girl #2: Damn, I know, right? Yo, baby, shut the fuck up!
--Coney Island-bound D train
But Mr. Potato Head Wanted a Ride on the Microwave Turntable
Little kid: Haha, my Barbie's head is flexible.
Father: Stop it, or she'll end up in the toy morgue with your other toys.
--Roosevelt Hotel gift shop
Overheard by: alexandra ulmer
But Aren't You Her Only Cousin?
Daughter: Yeah, didn't she fall into a manhole?
Mom: No, that was her retarded cousin.
Daughter: That seems about right.
--Duane Reade, 34th & 5th
Overheard by: Gwen
Think about Your Career Options, Then
Hispanic boy #1, taking picture of two others: Yo, stand still. Try not to laugh! Think of dead puppies or dead babies or somethin'.
Hispanic boy #2: But that will make me laugh!
--Lehman College cafeteria
Overheard by: Angelica Cayne
With a Mouth Like That, People Actually Tip You?
Cabbie: So, why are you going up to Columbia University anyway?
Girl: Because I have class in a couple hours.
Cabbie: With a face like yours and a rack like that, people actually take you seriously in that school?!
--Taxi ride with hot chick
Unless You Mean "Flashlight" -- Like the One Up My Ass
Chick: ... And then he was telling me something about a fleshlight -- do you know what that is?
Dude: Yeah... No, no I don't.
--Columbia University
We'll Help
Girl #1: Yeah, she said, 'I won't settle for anything less than a Range Rover with Connecticut license plates.'
Girl #2: Oh my god, that is so amazing! I have to put that on my 'Favorite quotes' section in Facebook.
--Starbucks, 14th & 6th
I'm Glad We Had This Little Talk
12-year-old girl #1: Do you even like boys?
12-year-old girl #2: Yeah, I do!
12-year-old girl #1: Sure... You like them boys who be wearin' all light colors, walkin' around like, 'How you doooin'? I'ma braid your hair!'
12-year-old girl #2: What? No. I like boys, I don't like titties.
12-year-old girl #1, after a pause: Some boys be havin' titties, though.
12-year-old girl #2: Word.
--Graham & Metropolitan, Brooklyn
Overheard by: amused in the bus stop
Yeah, She Was Mildly Hot
Chick #1: What is your middle name?
Chick #2: I don't want to tell you.
Chick #1: Why won't you tell me what your middle name is? I showed you a picture of me naked!
Chick #2: That is so not the same. Your naked picture is on the Internet. Anyone can see it!
Mid-30s guy two seats away: I'm sorry, but what's the address of that website?
--Bronx-bound A train
Overheard by: Julia
I Need to Know What to Say in the Emergency Room
Stoner #1: Why am I so high?
Barista: Because you snorted cheese?
Stoner #2: Was it Parmesan or cheddar?
--Tully's
... Surrounded by Kids with Heart Disease
Old Brit, pointing to float: Who is that?
Wife: Oh, come on, Bill.
Old Brit: No, really. Is it Joey the Clown or something?
Wife: It's a symbol of America!
Old Brit: [Confused silence.]
Wife: It's Ronald McDonald!
--Macy's Parade, Columbus Circle
Where Being Hung Up on Semantics Gets You
Bag lady: Don't you call me no grandma! That ain't right. I'm a 'nana,' not a 'grandma.'
Hobo: I ain't call you no grandma -- I called you a old lady.
Bag lady: Oh, okay. Yeah, that's right, 'cause I ain't no grandma!
--145th & St. Nicholas Ave
Overheard by: Big Momma's Biscuit Eater
So Now I Only Date Married Guys
NYU girl: So, how did your date go with Hank?
NYU girl #2: You know how most girls, when they meet a guy they really like, start thinking about marriage, a picket fence, and having two kids? Well, when I meet a guy I like, I think about how we'll start dating, he'll cheat on me, and we'll break up. Then I'll have wasted two years of my life.
--NYU Library
You Don't Just Jump into the Bunny Hop without Warming Up
Girl: Dancing in the aisles should be illegal!
Friend: Why? It's fun.
Girl: No, it's dangerous. Remember when you broke your ankle last year?
Friend, sarcastically: Yeah, I shoulda seen that conga line coming.
--F train
Overheard by: Raye
Why Iced?
Guy #1: How bad are the bathrooms?
Guy #2: Picture beef jerky and iced tea.
--Madison Square Garden
Let's Keep Carving Designs into Our Arms and Pretend This Conversation Never Happened
Art student guy: Yeah, you're pretty lucky that you've never seen me not high.
Art student chick: Why is that?
Art student guy: It's weird -- I get all inspired to live and shit.
Art student chick: Ew.
--School of Visual Arts
Overheard by: dobby
The Veneer of Civilization Is So Thin
Guy: Happy New Year's, ladies!
Girl #1: Yeah, you too.
Guy: Your face is funny!
Girl #2: What? Fuck you!
Guy: I said, the face you made is funny!
Girl #2: Oh...
Guy: Butt-munch!
--Manhattan Ave, Greenpoint
I Fear We Have Additional Requirements
Girl: It's my last night in New York. I sooo want to get laid.
Guy: Honey, you are so in the wrong place for that.
Girl: What? I have an asshole, too!
--The Duplex, Christopher St
I've Learned to Control My Farts, but Now I Have Verbal Diarrhea
Guy: Don't you get embarrassed carrying a Discman?
Girl with Discman: I don't get embarrassed... Except that one time I farted in high school. But it was only embarrassing because I sneezed and farted at the same time.
Guy: What?
--6 train
Situational Ethics
Hobo #1, searching garbage: You know, money is definitely overrated.
Hobo #2: Yeah, that's true. I mean, it's something, but it's not everything. I mean, who needs that shit anyway?
Hobo #1: True. [20 minutes later] Hey, can you spare some change?
--115th & Broadway
He Means It's Full of House Music -- He Owns a Condo on East 81st
Drunk girl: That is the largest book bag I have ever seen.
Gutter hippie: This isn't a book bag. This is my house.
--St. Mark's & 1st Ave
Overheard by: wished i was that drunk
Or Ugly People... Still You.
Woman digging through scarves: Do you think these are for older people?
Male pal: Yes, for older people. For you.
--The Met store
Overheard by: akka
Headline by: Stretchen
Runners-Up:
· "Definetely In The Friend Zone" - Dion
· "Never Insult a Woman with a Perfect Choking Device" - Megan
· "No One Said Ashton Kutcher Was Bright" - punk'd
· "That's It. I'm Leaving My Teeth in Next Time I Blow You." - laladypoet
· "They Help Catch the Drool" - Dan
· "Well That's the Last He'll See Of the Sagging Sisters" - L
Click here to see the new Headline Contest
I Handed Over Numerous Copies of His Picture at Registration
College kid #1: Ben Franklin is here today.
College kid #2: Oh, I know him.
--New York Historical Society
Overheard by: Emily B.
"Just Going Out for a Pack of Smokes," My Ass
Guy #1: Hey, I figured something out.
Guy #2: What?
Guy #1: Jesus is coming back today!
--City Bakery, 18th & 5th
Overheard by: McCrum
I Guess I Should Get Back to the Wheel, Then
Conductor: Does this train stop in Jamaica?
Passenger: Uh, yes.
Conductor: Oh. Good.
--LIRR
Overheard by: Pasty
Aren't Wednesday One-Liners Sweet?
Woman: Cake is obsolete.
--E 84th & 3rd
Overheard by: julia
Student giving Powerpoint presentation: Okay, so, um, this is a statue of the Prophet Haggai, and you can see in his hand he's holding a scroll... Or maybe it's a Cinnabon, I don't know.
--Fordham University, Rose Hill
Lady on cell: It looked like a marshmallow with stick legs!
--Outside Brittany Hall
Girl on cell: We can get a cake and just... fill it with vodka.
--Lafayette Residence Hall, NYU
Overheard by: Emily
Man to woman: ... Adult ice cream.
--23rd & 7th
Overheard by: maureen
Woman with hair bun: I'm not sure whether that makes me think of cake decorating or a veiny penis...
--Barcade, Brooklyn
Overheard by: Ladle
Celebutante Wednesday One-Liners
Drunk girl: Oh my god! I looove Amy Winehouse! But, ugh! Poor bitch is gonna die soon!
--Vynl Restaurant, 51st & 9th
Overheard by: Sitting next to the loudest table
Val Kilmer, noticing a 'Now Appearing' sign: Oh! Kris-tin Bell! Not Chris-tian Bale. That makes a lot more sense.
--Big Apple Con, Penn Plaza Pavilion, 33rd & 7th
Nerdy guy: Hey, I may look like Steve-O, but I get more butt than a toilet!
--Outside of The Hog Pit, 13th & 9th
Woman, to friend: ... And then Chuck Norris came out of nowhere!
--W 8th St & Ave S
Overheard by: Kat
Clerk girl: Well, she's kinda like the Korean Melissa Etheridge.
--Duane & Broadway
Overheard by: taylor
Disappointed redneck to fat wife, exiting Olive Garden: Well, we did not see any famous people in there.
--Times Square
Wednesday One-Liners Are Fresh As a Summer's Eve
Woman on cell: What?! So I douched today for no reason?!
--27th & 8th
Overheard by: abby k
Guy on cell: Hello? Hello, little douche! Oh, you're just jealous of how not-douchy I am.
--Office, Murray Hill
Overheard by: Rose Fox
Girl on cell: He was a cunt in New York, but he's a total douchebag in L.A.
--49th & 9th
Chick on cell: Listen, I'm sorry for last night... For hiding in the shower all night and being a douche.
--10th & Broadway
Overheard by: CMEdia
Professor, reading quote on politics of smoke-filled cities in 19th century: '... To give themselves and their wives and daughters that outside neatness, cleanliness, and freshness...' [Pauses, then] Sounds like a douche ad.
--Columbia University
Is There Life after Wednesday One-Liners?
Dude on cell: The thing is... Is... She was inseminated... By a dead man.
--Outside of Forbidden Planet, 13th & Broadway
Overheard by: Red Stapler
Hipster suit on cell: Wait, wait, wait. What are the details on this drop-dead clause again?
--MoMA
Man on cell: Well, it's a shame he's still alive.
--Grand Central
Overheard by: mma
Hipster girl to friend: Well, you know what? It's kind of good he killed her.
--L train
Overheard by: keeeem
Woman: He was dead! It was great!
--Penn Station
Hipster: If you take a handful of Grapenuts and don't add milk, and you hurl them as hard as you can at somebody's face, you can take out both their eyes and maybe kill them... I can't believe I spent the whole day at the hospital, and they told me to go to the dentist!
--V Bar cafe, Greenwich Village
Overheard by: sean savage
Angry man on cell: I've given her everything! Everything! She wanted me to kill someone! She wanted me to fuck somebody up good! What else can I do?
--15th & 6th
The Gentlemen Callers of Wednesday One-Liners
Hipster chick: ... And I was like, 'I want a boyfriend!' and God was like, 'Hello!'
--43rd & 6th
Lady on cell: You'll have to get a Hispanic boyfriend. Or someone ethnic... Go out with the Jew!
--49th & 8th
Bus driver: No phones on the bus. I don't care if you got problems with your mother, or your brother, or girlfriend got a problem with boyfriend, or boyfriend got a problem with girlfriend, or girlfriend-girlfriend, or boyfriend-boyfriend, or just you got a sad, pathetic life, because other passengers do not like to hear those things. And if you sleep, leave your shoes on -- people take their shoes off, it smells like fish market.
--Port Authority, Greyhound to Philadelphia
Ghetto girl: This weekend I found out that my boyfriend had a wife, and my dad got hit on by another man.
--6 train
20-ish chick: Remember when I used to call my fuck-buddy the 'I Can't Believe It's Not Butter' of boyfriends?
--Apartment party, 113th & Broadway
Overheard by: Ladle
Lady on cell: Did you see that girl's butt today?! Did you see her butt?! Ewww! It was like my boyfriend's!
--John St
Congratulations -- You Have Successfully Befriended Wednesday One-Liners
Man: I don't really use Facebook anymore... Except to booty-call poke.
--Starbucks, 6th Ave
Chick: If I die, I don't want a Facebook group in my memory. It's tacky.
--Broadway & Waverly
Overheard by: Sarah
Web guy: I'd say my mouse hand is 'strong' to 'very strong.'
--46th & 6th
German man to another: [Rambles in German, then] EBay is sin! A sin, I tell you!
--H&M, 34th St
Overheard by: Melissa Coppola
Math teacher who looks like Ali G: So, I took a 'How ghetto are you?' quiz on Facebook. Turns out I'm only 61 percent ghetto.
--Bronx Science
Thug to thugette: Fall back -- you never know when people gonna be postin' what you said on the Internet.
--Astor Pl
Overheard by: katattack
Wednesday One-Liners, the Shepherds of New York
Conductor: This is the last stop -- Brooklyn Bridge, City Hall. Y'all have a nice day and be good, now... But if you can't be good, be baaad.
--6 train
Overheard by: Paul Schroeder
Conductor: Good morning, everybody. This is your 7:15 New Haven train, express to Greenwich. To infinity, and beyond!
--Connecticut-bound Metro-North train
MTA worker: This station is now closed. No train is coming here. You all have to get out of here!
--8th St N/Q/R/W station
Overheard by: bKSquared+AV
Conductor: Ladies and gentlemen, please remember that every car of this train has four doors, so 27 people in front of one door -- well, it is not scholarship material. Let's use our brains, people. Then you won't have to bump your guns and complain that the A is never on time.
--A train, 96th St
Overheard by: Emily B.
Conductor: Attention passengers, the last two cars will not platform at Bellerose, either. That means if the doors didn't open for you at the last station, they won't open at Bellerose, either, so stop standing looking confused, and walk forward!
--Hempstead-bound LIRR
Overheard by: Nathalie
Conductor: For those of you standing in the first five cars, the back three cars are almost empty. Come sit down! I'm lonely back here.
--Metro-North
Conductor: And now... the mass exodus!
--F train
Overheard by: da sarkastik ninja.
Nothing to Be Ashamed of -- It's Just Wednesday One-Liners
Little girl screaming to mother from bathroom stall: Why do I have to flush every time? Oh, no, I'm stuck!
--Indian restaurant
Black man singing while peeing at urinal: Oh, Lord, when can I go to heaven? Oh, Lord, when can I go to heaven? [Finishes urinating abruptly.] Thank you, Lord Jesus. Hallelujah!
--Staten Island Ferry
Guy in stall: I'm an atheist! I'm an atheist! [He shits.] Thank you! Thank you, MLK, for giving me the power!
--NYC Main Library
Trendy girl in stall: The toilet's trying to eat my ass!
--Morimoto
Overheard by: I'd say give a spit polish more than eat
50-ish lady on cell in stall: Hello? In the bathroom... I had to pee-pee, so I'm in the bathroom at Barney's... Yeah, so the doctor said she might have cancer and she'd have to get a biopsy... Hold on while I wipe.
--Barney's
Overheard by: Caryn
Wednesday One-Liners Where the Sun Don't Shine
Lady on cell: Well, would you still say no if I told you I'd shove graphite up your ass? Oh, you would? Yeah, I mean literally up your ass. You'd still say no? Well, I guess that means I'm coming over tonight, then... And did you want me to bring takeout? Maybe lasagna?
--Dressing room, Anthropologie
Meathead: Yo, 50 foot of chain and a tow-rig couldn't pull my tongue out of her ass.
--Bleecker & Sullivan
Overheard by: The Greek
Lady suit: No, no... You get it up the butt... You get all the nutrients up the butt.
--43rd & 9th