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Cardiology's Nowhere Near As Helpful As That
Woman: Her daddy is a cardiologist. Do you know what a cardiologist does?
Little boy: Yeah, they cut off people's ears and send them to Australia.
--75th St & Riverside Dr
Overheard by: must be a body part shortage down under
If You Can't Torment Your Kids, Who Can You Torment?
WASP lady: Look, Dylan! We're in the subway! It's subterranean -- that means we're going to see those subterranean guys!
Five-year-old: Subterranean guys? Whaaat?!
WASP lady: The Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles! [Puts scarf over eyes, like a mask.]
Five-year-old: Holy shit, my god! Fuck nooo!
--Penn Station
I Also Need to Look into Becoming 2-Dimensional
Ghetto girl: You see Eva Longoria in this picture, and then you see her in this picture -- she looks so different without her makeup!
Guy with wife: Yeah, airbrushing will do it every time.
Ghetto girl: Yeah, I need to get one of those airbrush machines.
--Lugo's Mecca of Hair
It Was Then That the Truth Came Out about Their Quiet Next-Door Neighbor, Mr. Danish
Young boy, pointing at stack of apple danishes: Mom! Mom! I wanna eat a danish!
Mom: Stanley, you can't eat cheese, and you can't eat apples. You know this.
Young boy, exasperated: I know! But I can eat danish!
--Washington Ave & Eastern Pkwy, Brooklyn
Overheard by: xander
Damn You, Emo, with Your Googly Eyes and Red Fur
Hipster chick: God, stop being so emo!
Non-hip guy: I am not emo! [Stops and thinks.] I didn't even like that movie. Fuckin' fish.
--St. Mark's Pl
I've Heard Her Stuff, She Needs All The Help She Can Get
Rocker girl: Why should I buy music on iTunes when everything I have on my iPod I've gotten for free on the Internet?
Rocker guy: The songs are only 99 cents, and you'd be helping out the musicians...
Rocker girl: But I am a musician - I'm helping myself out!
--Virgin Megastore
Overheard by: Gunnar
Sir, What's That Bulge in Your Pants?
Dude #1: Hey, you want a hot dog?
Dude #2: No, I'm good.
Dude #1, about absent vendor: The guy isn't there. I was gonna take the whole thing.
--Yankee Stadium
Just Suicide
Girl: It was the awkward moment of all awkward moments.
Guy friend, dreamily: I don't believe in awkward moments.
--Stuyvesant High
Overheard by: Larry
And the Luckiest Girl I Know
Girl with big hair: It was absolutely crazy.
Friend: I bet it was.
Girl with big hair: It was so messed up. Seriously, it was totally banana-whacked.
Friend: She's banana-whacked. She's a banana-whacked slut.
--Central Park
Overheard by: Juliet
You Never Have a Penis!
LI girl #1: Want to make out?
LI girl #2, angrily: No! We've been down that road before, Meghan!
--LIRR
Overheard by: Climate Changer
Hardly Ever with Other People's Husbands, Though
Girl #1: Ugh! I hate her! She's such a good little girl -- always following the rules... Makes me sick.
Girl #2: I try to follow the rules. Do you hate me?
Girl #1: Nah, you do anal... I figure that balances it out.
--Columbus Circle
Overheard by: avgjoe
You Still Have to Learn to Read, Pal
Little kid: The sss...
Mother: The Sneetches.
Little kid: Sneetches and uhhh...
Mother: Other.
Little kid: Other sss...
Mother: Stories by Dr. Seuss.
Little kid: Seuss is dead.
--Outside Babbo's Books
Decades of Feminism, Down the Tubes
Guy: I don't know if I actually agree with you.
Girl: So, what are ovaries if not inverted testicles?
--Columbia University
Overheard by: Seth J.
Sad Truth: He Did Know -- He Just Wanted to Make His Home Life Sound Exotic
Diner: That's an interesting accent. Are you Jamaican?
Waiter: No, I'm from Trinidad.
Diner: Oh! My sister spent a year in Kenya!
Waiter: You know that Trinidad is in the Caribbean, right?
Diner: Oh. No, I guess I didn't.
--Alice's Teacup Restaurant, 73rd & Columbus
Hardly. I Studied with the Bejing Opera
Black chick: What kind of soup do you got?
Chinese deli guy: Uhhh, we got some chicken noodle soup.
Black chick: Oh, just chicken noodle soup?
Chinese deli guy, singing and dancing: With a soda on the side! [Black chick glares at him in silence.] Uhhh, yeah, that's all.
Black chick: That's fuckin' ign'ant, man.
--106th & 2nd
He Got His Start Pulling Strings of Paper Out of His Mouth as a Circus Performer
Suit #1: I hope they don't go ahead and give these crappy ideas to the client.
Suit #2: That's why we have jobs -- because I can pull this shit out of my ass faster than they can.
--42nd & Broadway
Since When Is That "New" in the Bronx?
Black chick, hysterical: Hahaha, and what did the guy say -- hahaha -- when he fell from the building? Hahaha, what he say?
Black dude: Um... I don't know...
Black chick: Hahaha, he said, 'Ouch!' Hahaha, I'm so hyper!
Black dude: Yo, there's a new energy drink -- it's called crack.
--Hunter College, 8th floor balcony
Overheard by: Liza
Ah, the Eternal Question
Blonde: So, I went home for Thanksgiving, and my grandmother told me that only ugly girls apply to grad school, because they can't find a husband. Then she said she would pay for me to get a boob job so I could find a husband.
Adoring friend: Wow, your grandma is so cool!
Blonde: Yeah, but like, I wouldn't know how big to get them, 'cause I don't want back problems or anything, but I've always wanted boobs!
--NYU bus
Overheard by: Sarah
Thanks, Brainiac -- Now We'll Never Know What His Cock Was Like
Blonde sex addict: I mean, I met him at my AA meeting. That's truly what kept me going there.
Brunette sex addict: Hey, whatever keeps you in the program.
Blonde sex addict: Yeah, but after we made love the third time, I just knew he was a survivor of incest, and since I am a survivor I can just tell. I mean, he didn't tell me or anything, but I knew.
Brunette sex addict: Oh... But was the sex good?
Blonde sex addict: Ohhh, yeah. I mean, it was hot -- since we are both addicts. I mean, his cock was sooo--
Father with four young kids, interrupting: --Stop! Have you people no souls?!
Blonde sex addict: ... So, yeah -- I'll be at the meeting Friday and Monday, too...
--1 train, after a Sexaholics Anonymous meeting
Guy Said He Was Done with It
Guy: I have to go to the drug store. I'm all out of condoms.
Girl: I found one on the subway!
--113th & Broadway
Overheard by: nex0s
Also, I May Need to Be Changed
Thug: Yo, I need to get this shit cashed.
Clerk: Do you have an account, sir?
Thug: Yeah, but I ain't got my card or my number.
Clerk: Sir, I need your social security number, then.
Thug: Aight, hold up. [Pulls out phone] Hey, Mommy, what's my social again?
--Chase Bank, Broadway & Houston
Overheard by: Tabitha
Unassailable Logic: A NYC Short Story
Conductor: Ladies and gentlemen, our train cannot proceed because of the passenger on the tracks.
Young black dude: If he is on the tracks, he is not a passenger. Let's go!
--N train
Overheard by: Julia
Been Down So Long It Looks Like Up
Salad guy: I have bleu cheese and goat cheese, too.
Customer: What's bleu cheese?
Salad guy: It's a sad cheese.
--Hale & Hearty Soup
Finally, Maybe She'll Get Rid of That Goiter
Lady: Maybe we should go get some soup for your daughter instead of the vegetable Tempura.
Mother of young girl: Why?
Lady: Because she's not eating the vegetables -- she's just drinking the Tempura sauce.
Mother: Oh. That's fine.
--Food court, Mall
No One Wants to Drink with Congressmen
Twink #1: What's that place across the street like?
Twink #2: Ugh. A total Foley bar.
Twink #1: Ew.
--Outside The Hanger Bar, Christopher St
Overheard by: Joe Jervis
And I Added Some Mad Hillary Duff Tunes As My Background Music, Bro
Thug #1: Yo, what's really good?
Thug #2: Yo, man, I added you to my 'Top Eight' today.
Thug #1: No doubt!
--F train
Overheard by: cindy
Because That's the Only Way I Can Bring Her Off
Black girl, in smelly stairwell: Nigga, it smells like yo' mama's coochie up in this bitch!
Black guy: What the fuck you snortin' in my mom's cooch for?!
--Kingsborough Community College
Good Manners Sometimes Skip Two Generations
Daughter, loudly licking her fingers: Wow! That was great!
Mother: Stop that!
Daughter: What? It was good...
Mother: Stop that! It is not appropriate.
Daughter: Would you lower your voice?!
Mother: No, what you're doing is disgusting!
Daughter: Please keep your voice down. It's embarrassing!
Mother: No, not until you stop smacking your lips! Do you do that when you're out with your friends? They must be embarrassed when you do that.
Daughter: Um, no, we all do it.
--Virgil's BBQ
Overheard by: trying hard not to laugh
I'm a New Yorker. Everything Is about Me.
Hot chick #1: So, I'm doing the AIDS walk this year with my sister...
Hot chick #2: Oh, cool! I'll totally sponsor you!
Hot chick #1: Oh, no, that's okay -- you already bought a gift for my puppy shower.
Hot chick #2: It's not about you, Samantha, it's about AIDS!
--10th & Broadway
Overheard by: About me
That's Also a Preview of My Valedictory Address
Teacher: Ben, you got a six out of ten. That's not great.
Ben: Mr. L*, I'm gonna tell you my life motto. It is, 'If you push me over the edge, I will grab you by the neck and pull you down with me... And then push you into Hell.'
--Bronx Science
It's Best We Lower Our Expectations for Him Early
Father buying lightsaber: Just drop it! He wanted this one!
Mother: But it's the dark side! You're not supposed to join the dark side!
--Toys "R" Us
Actually, He Knows Exactly What He's in For
Brit: How drunk are you right now?
Chick: Well, if I slept with him, I probably would remember it.
Brit: Probably?
Chick: Yeah -- like, you know, when you have sex and you wake up in the middle of it and you're like, 'What the fuck is going on?'
Brit: Ummm, like when you're being raped?
Chick: No, like when you blackout and wake up in the middle of boning. I don't think I'm that drunk, though.
Brit: Wow, he has no idea what he's in for tonight!
--Nolita House
Overheard by: MC
Even Though I'm in This Business for the "Pussy" Puns
Lady: Are these cats for sale?
Man selling cats on the street: I'll be set up in half an hour. Come back then. [Lady walks away.] And bring your cigarettes with you so we can inhale your cancer! [Turning to two teen onlookers.] Not everything I say is a pick-up line.
--84th & Broadway
Overheard by: Non-smoker
Mother Nature Gets Her Period
Woman #1: Don't step on those leaves!
Woman #2: What?
Woman #1: This is why I don't come to Manhattan -- all these goddamn trees. I hate leaves.
--Grand & Essex
Overheard by: wb
Headline by: Gunther
Runners-Up:
· "But I Love the Black Gum Splotches On The Sidewalk" - Naked Lunch
· "Hobos, on the Other Hand, Are Manhattan's Welcome Mat" - Kristin
· "In Jersey We Don't Have to Put Up with This Crap" - PeterG
· "There's Nothing a New Yorker Won't Hate" - Volante
· "This Is Why I Hate Leaving the Bunker." - sweetchuck
Click here to see the new Headline Contest
Grits? Gross!
Black guy #1: I just realized this is a long-ass ride! It's like 15 minutes!
Black guy #2: Shut up, nigga.
Black guy #1: Is that your breath I smell? It smells like you ate roast beef with a side of shit... and grits.
--1 train
Overheard by: DC
Forget it, Jake. It's Chinatown.
Student #1: When you walk through Chinatown, they push and shove right through you!
Student #2: Yeah, but you can't get mad at them, because they do it to each other. It's, like, cultural. [Students look over at a woman as she gets elbowed in the face by an old Asian man when he rubs his eye.]
Student #1: Cultural... Cultural...
--Brooklyn-bound F train
I Was Told to Get Off at the Black Dot
B&T Yankee fan, staring at subway map: It's stopping at all of them... It skipped three. How do you know where it stops?
Conductor: 59th Street, transfer here for the N, R, Q, W, and Six.
B&T Yankee fan, still staring at map: Maybe we should get off here? Is this the one we got off last time? Maybe we should have taken the A. It goes right to Penn, right? Does this not stop at the black dots?
--4 train
Overheard by: Jess McGins -- I eventually intervened
Wednesday One-Liners for the Pod People
Hipster girl: You really need to hear his podcast about how technology is raping our souls.
--Bleecker & Broadway
Overheard by: Jekke
Hipster on cell: So I just got my new iPod... Yeah, it's awesome! All I need now is a job, and I'm totally set!
--Stillwater, E 4th & 2nd
Overheard by: Pedro Van
Dude: I think my iPod's gay.
--23rd St F stop
Overheard by: Eliot
Chemistry teacher: I am not liking annoying sound. Today on subway there was man with pants, like, here [motions to mid-thigh] and loud, how you call?... iPod! I am thinking, 'He is going to lose his pants!' And he stand on crowded train and sing with iPod. He give us concert, and am I thinking, 'Why he not dead yet?'
--Fordham University, Lincoln Center
Little boy, about man blaring music from cell: Geez, just get an iPod, dude!
--Crowded A train
Overheard by: Neal Mortimer
Mellow, Yellow Wednesday One-Liners
Queer to another: It's okay to pee on people. Either you do it or you don't, and I've done it a lot.
--L train
Stumbling drunk girl to friends: All I was thinking was, 'Oh, God, I hope he doesn't pee on me!'
--Mott & Bayard St
Chick: I wish I could pee standing up. If I could pee standing up, I would pee out this window. Did you ever wonder where this door goes? It's like the door to a secret land or something!
--Education building, NYU
Middle-aged guy: I used to pee on the floor just to get attention!
--Lincoln Center
Girl: Can you hold this while I... release my urine?
--The Met
You Really Shouldn't Joke about Wednesday One-Liners
Black girl: But, I mean, other than the hating everyone part, he was the nicest neo-Nazi I've ever met.
--Penn Station
Biker dude: I'm a Puerto Rican Nazi! I can't be racist!
--Outside Pyramid Club, Ave A
Thug entering train at rush hour: Man, it's like the fucking Holocaust in here.
--1 train
Overheard by: Stella Blue
Worker: I think the Holocaust sounds so bad because it's the 'Holocaust.' We should start calling it the 'Jollycaust.'
--Strand Bookstore
Blonde tourist: The date was okay... I mean, the only problem I have is with his politics. And then there was that whole, um, like... racial thing. You know, all that Aryan stuff.
--Crowded M96 crosstown bus
Overheard by: Socky
Watch Where You're Sticking Your Wednesday One-Liner
Woman to another: Yeah, that's true, but she has a huge uterus anyway.
--Staten Island Ferry Terminal
Overheard by: Will Couchon
Black lady: I had to shut his throat and it was all [violent gurgling noises].
--Varick & King St
Overheard by: Confabulation Nation
NYU blonde to friend: I wish I was made of pixels... But cells are sorta like pixels, right? So yay, I am!
--D train
Overheard by: keeeem
Flyer guy: Here you go, sexy! [Brunette ignores him and keeps walking.] I'll take you home and bite you! I'll bite a nice big chunk out of your thigh!
--Broadway & Liberty
Overheard by: ouch ouch
White girl: Ow, my face! I mean my head! I mean my arm...
--Bard High School Early College
Overheard by: jules
Grungy middle-aged man: I'm picking my nose! I'm picking my nose!
--St. Mark's & 3rd Ave
Wednesday One-Liners Get Too Big for Their Britches
20-ish chick on cell: But how can I be getting old? I just gave someone an over-the-pants handjob at a bar last night!
--Morningside Heights
Overheard by: Ladle
Bimbette on cell: ... So I got downstairs and realized I wasn't wearing pants!
--Barnard College
Overheard by: yeah happens all the time
Old lady to teen boy: ... And so you wear girl pants?!
--10th & 5th
Overheard by: Steph
20-ish chick to dad: I don't have Alzheimer's -- I just wear the pants.
--Schubert Alley
Overheard by: Kerry
Loud high school girl: She stood at the subway and was like, 'Could I have two dollars for a metro card?' And that's how she bought a new pair of pants. She told [our teacher] that's how she bought a new pair of pants, but I'm pretty sure it was for bud. She said it was for pants... But it was for bud.
--Manhattan-bound R train
Overheard by: Maggie
Well-dressed old lady: He wants to go somewhere, too -- into your pants! Okay, that was childish.
--Columbia University
Overheard by: Ladle
Wednesday One-Liners Strut, Preen and Peck
Asian lady is eating something, and a black man takes his cell out and starts taking a video, documenting what's going on.
Black man: She seems to be eating some type of seed -- maybe a bird food. It appears to be that she is some sort of bird woman. Ka-kawww, ka-kawww!
--B train
Girl to friend: First you insult my turkey, and then you put a gourd on your face!
--Union Square
Crazy lady on bus: The turkeys! The turkeys! All you people care about is the turkeys and how they feel! What about the carrots and candied yams? No one cares about them!
--M104 bus
Overheard by: Susan Elliott
Little kid running across the street flapping his arms: I can't help it that I'm a chicken!
--90th & Lex
Overheard by: Zach
Hospital employee to another: You see, I don't call them chicken breasts; I call them chicken titties.
--Hospital cafeteria, Upper East Side
Overheard by:
Guy to girl: So you'd rather screw a duck than a geese? Is that what you're telling me?
--Columbia University
Undomesticated Wednesday One-Liners
Guy on cell: That? Oh, that's nothing. It's just a bunch of angry baboons trapped behind a...
--Columbia University
Overheard by: wish I'd caught that last word
Barnard bimbette, about global warming: So, with the polar bears drowning and all, like, what are people worried about? Because, like, there are polar bears at the Central Park Zoo and stuff...
--Columbia University classroom
Overheard by: yeah, cages are a great alternative
Dude to pal: You want tigers, bro? There's over five thousand tigers to choose from.
--W 4th & Jones
Male economics professor: I must confess that over time, in my lifetime, I'm a monkey.
--NYU Cantor Center
Overheard by: NYU student
Curly-haired woman: Did I mention that the penguins have returned to my lobby?
--113th St
Overheard by: McFreaky
Student: You know how snakes can swallow their food whole? What if a person swallowed a snake whole, and then the snake turned inside out, and then ate the person from the inside? That would be awesome.
--Stuyvesant High
WASP on cell: I said 'camels.' He wants to go to Radio City to pet the camels. Fucking psycho.
--Metro-North
All the World's a Wednesday One-Liner
Elderly man to wife: Well, I haven't read the review yet, but I think I liked it!
--Second Stage Theatre, after Euridice performance, 43rd & 8th
Overheard by: Kate McVety
Girl on cell: There needs to be a Mean Girls musical, and you have to be in it.
--50th & Broadway
Overheard by: Maggie
Director: You know, I think we'll actually leave the movie projector on stage for the whole show, as a metaphor or some shit.
--Great Jones St
Old lady to daughter during production of Vinegar Tom: You always bring me to the dirtiest shows!
--Center for the Arts, College of Staten Island
Aspiring actor on cell: The good thing about this play is-- No, it's not just me. The really great thing about this play is the sex.
--113th & Broadway
Overheard by: if the sex is with him, count me in
Chick, about play where leading lady gets raped: Why is everyone like, 'Oh my god, she was raped!' Rape has happened forever. Sooo many people get raped -- this isn't a shocker. Why are we spending all our time talking about this part of the play? I mean, rape happens.
--Silver Center, Washington Square Park
Overheard by: sizzle