Get the 10 best quotesby e-mail weekly!
I Fully Support You from a Safe Distance
Gay activist with clipboard: Hi there -- do you have a minute for gay rights?
Suit: Not really, no.
--W 4th St & 6th Ave
But Is That "Fair Use"?
Guy with electric bass: This one's real hard. Real hard. I'm gonna give whoever gets this one three dollars! Three dollars! [Sings] I can see clearly now the rain is gone...
Mother of three: Jimmy Cliff! Jimmy Cliff!
Guy with electric bass: Did you say 'Jimmy Cliff'?! [Mumbling upon seeing her litter] Man, I wish she didn't have so many babies... [Shouting to her again] You -- you thought I said 'rain.' I said 'train' -- I can see clearly now the train is gone... I wrote that, not Jimmy.
--2 train
Overheard by: jil
The Subway Is No Place for a Room Full of Boners
Muscular balck guy enters holding his shirt, wearing only boxers.
Young white mother: How did you know it was going to rain?
Black guy: I didn't want my shirt to get wet, so I took it off.
Old hobo, panhandling: Man, you could give lap dances right here!
--R train
Overheard by: Emma
The Most Hilarious Exsanguination Ever
Preppy teen girl #1: ... And there was blood, like, everywhere!
Preppy teen girl #2: Haha, oh my god.
--Soho
Overheard by: dannyl
Everybody Walks Over Her, but No One Stops
Little girl: You're like a staircase!
Mother: You're like a staircase!
Little girl: No, you're like a staircase!
Mother: How am I like a staircase?
Little girl: Turn around, and be like a staircase!
--11th & 4th
Overheard by: tj
About 999,999 in a Million New Yorkers, to Be Exact
Dad: The first president was George Washington, then John Adams, then Thomas Jefferson, then James Madison, then--
Little girl: --Who's the last president?
Dad: The president now? George W. Bush.
Little girl: I thought he was dead.
Dad: No... Some people want him to be.
--B1 bus
Overheard by: Jennifer
We Won't Know Until the Eggs Hatch
Guy #1: ... And then I got hit by a car.
Guy #2: Are you a mutant?
--Cafeteria, The New School
Overheard by: katie caroline
And Smoke It?
Crackhead girl: I said excuse me, man! Get the fuck outta my way!
Guy: Geez...
Crackhead girl: And you better fix your zipper before I take your penis!
--4 train
Overheard by: iliveherebutstilllooklikeatourist
I Brought My Paddle!
Passenger #1: I'm gonna be riding in the Five Boro Bike Tour, but I haven't begun training yet. If I don't train, my legs will be fine but my ass will be sore. My ass isn't ready for that long a ride.
Passenger #2: I think Jake* would love to help train your ass for the ride!
--4 train
Overheard by: Hobo Whisperer
From R.L. Stevenson's Treasure Trail Island
Girl #1: How often do you get wet?
Girl #2: Oh my god, we're in public!
Girl #1: Well, I was just wondering, because everybody back home thinks you're such a slut!
Girl #2: Piss off! At least I'm not a fire crotch!
Girl #1: Don't you ever call me that ever again, or I'll delete you off my Top Eight on MySpace!
--Times Square
Overheard by: Andrew
Can You Catch White?
Old black woman: Hey, you! That white woman left her purse! Take it and give it to her! What's wrong with you? The white woman sitting next to me left her purse here -- go after her and give it back!
Young guy: I have no idea what you're talking about.
Old black woman: The white woman! She left her purse! Give it back [throws purse at him and it falls to the floor. Young guy walks away shaking his head.] What's wrong with you people? Obviously you don't care!
--Port Authority bus terminal
Overheard by: bri b
New York's Most Critical Couple Savages Another Musical Event
Woman, about Hairspray: Harold, except for the finale number, I thought it wasn't anything special. All the screaming and the jumping and the music...
Man: You're right, Doris.
Woman: You know what was the golden era of the Broadway? The really good shows, Harold?
Man: What were they, Doris?
Woman: The Cats, The Les Mis, The Phantoms... That was the zenith, Harold. This one -- I don't know what it is.
Man: Me neither, Doris. Me neither.
--52nd St
Overheard by: izzy
Aw, Fuck This -- Let's Just Play Strip Candyland Like Usual
Nine-year-old boy: Would you rather be naked in public or in front of a hundred boys? Including me...
Nine-year-old girl: A hundred boys. Would you rather be naked in front of this whole bus or just this back half?
Nine-year-old boy: Just the back half... Wait... You're in the back half, right?
--M79 crosstown bus, Central Park
Overheard by: Rachel
You, for Example, Are No Fucking Fun at All
Skinny girl: Overweight people have the best sense of humor. Skinny people--
Fat girl: --They're not funny.
Skinny girl: I don't know what it is about being fat.
--Alumni Hall elevator, NYU
Overheard by: zelda
Time for That Coming-Out Party
Guy #1: Man, I feel really, like, weird. I don't know how to explain it!
Guy #2: I do, man. One word: muchachos.
--Wall St
If It Were Real Love, She'd Be in His Top 8
Thug #1: Did you know her before?
Thug #2: That's the thing -- I just friend-requested her on MySpace the day before the party.
Thug #1 and #3, in unison: True love, nigga.
--McDonald's, 33rd & 7th
The People Who Brought You the Annual "Going Out of Business" Sale
20-something girl: So, I guess we are now officially corporate hos.
30-something man: Yeah, so now you have to learn to play tennis.
Girl passerby: What does that have to do with anything?
20-something girl: Then we can be corporate hos and tennis pros -- duh.
30-something man: We should do commercials... Why don't we work for an ad agency?!
--59th & Lex
I Don't Know Nothin' 'bout Birthin' No Movie
Tourist: What's the name of the movie?
Busy cameraman: Gone with the Wind, Part Two.
Tourist, walking away: Well, that's a smart-ass answer.
--Movie set, 53rd & Broadway
Overheard by: crew sympathizer
You Can Do This with Almost Any Song
Black kid #1, about "Benny and the Jets" on radio: Yo, Benny and the Jets, nigga!
Black kid #2, singing in tune: Benny and my balls!
--A train
If I Had Some Food, I Could Soak This Right Up
Hobo: Hello, ladies and gentlemen -- I am hungry. I do not do drugs or drink. I am just in need of some money for food, and--
Woman, sitting down: --Excuse me, your bag is leaking on us!
Hobo, removing burst 40: Oh, fuck!
--F train
They're Heil-arious
Hipster #1: They're called what?
Hipster #2: Urban Youth. Like Hitler Youth, but funny.
--St. Mark's Pl
I Think I'm for It
Senior girl #1: So, what is that 'Derfer' thing I keep seeing all those signs about?
Senior girl #2: What?
Senior girl #1: You know, Derfer -- D-A-R-F-U-R
Senior girl #2: Dare-fyore? Hmmm, I don't know.
Senior girl #1: Whatever. Anyways...
--Townsend Harris High
And That I Took Those Two Hits of Acid Earlier
Older woman: What's the time, dear?
Teen girl: Two o'clock.
Old woman: Are you sure? It looks dark outside.
Teen girl, annoyed: Yes, I'm sure.
Man, overhearing: Actually, I think it's seven P.M.
Teen girl: Oh, right. I forgot we set the clocks back this weekend.
--86th & Lex
Overheard by: Arun
While I Listen to Beethoven's Fifth
Punk chick: So, what do you masturbate to?
Punk singer: What do you mean, what do I masturbate to?
Punk chick: Like, what do you look at?
Punk singer: I guess I look at my dick.
--CBGB
Overheard by: Jimmy Guthrie
How I Got Guilted into Running Marathons
Father to screaming toddler: Y'know, some people ran 26 miles today, and I'm only asking you to walk a block!
--Times Square
Her Kids Shop at Hot Topic and Think They're Badass
Tourist #1: Hmmm, I want to eat someplace funky...
Tourist #2: What about that? That looks funky.
Tourist #1: Mmm, no... Oh, look -- Cosi! Sandwiches, wine, and dessert. Now that looks funky. Let's go be crazy.
--50th & Broadway
Overheard by: CrazyMickey
Great, Now Stop Flinging Poo
Girl: Shut the fuck up, Josh!
Boy: You told me to be a fuckin' quiet monkey, and I'm being a fuckin' quiet monkey, and you tell me to shut the fuck up? I am a fucking quiet monkey!
--16th & 1st
Overheard by: Caroline
Or Trains at All! Why Go On?
Conductor: There will be no Seven Train service today.
Hardhat: Good. After the Mets lose, we don't need the fucking Seven Train!
--6 train
Overheard by: phenders
And Look Great Doing It
Girl #1: So, like, how does the story end?
Girl #2: I think they all get guillotined.
--Marie Antoinette showing, Clearview's Chelsea Cinema
Overheard by: Barbie and Bernie
And Yet If I Said "Bicycle," You'd Admire Me
Guy: I wanna get a horse and ride it all the way to L.A.
Girl: That might have been the most retarded sentence ever uttered.
--34th & 8th
Conspiracy to Commit Ignorance
12-year-old kid: Shit, man, dem niggas isn't shit.
Friend: Mmm-hm.
12-year-old kid: Shit, man... Man, I kill bofth dem niggas!
Friend: Mmm-hm, and I'd do it witcha.
12-year-old kid: Mmm-hm.
--188th & Hoffman, Bronx
Overheard by: why do i go to school in the Bronx?
Or Is That because the Train Is Going North?
Dude: Do any of these trains go under water?
Chick: Yeah, you can feel it getting colder. It's so cool.
Dude: Which train is it?
Chick: It's one of those trains that goes from Brooklyn to Manhattan. I think it was the B or the G...
--6 train, Brooklyn Bridge City Hall
Like Chaka Khan
Cashier woman: Put that down! Will you put that down?!
Cafeteria aid, holding an issue of The Source: Why should I? This ain't yours! You're, like, fifty!
Cashier woman: Shit, you don't know me. I might be a hip-hop granny.
--Hunter College
Overheard by: steve d.
And He Always Explodes Too Soon
Cute blonde: So, I thought I might like him, and we went on some fun dates, but then he shaved his head and now I can't go out with him.
Friend: Wait -- what's wrong with him shaving his head?
Cute blonde: Well, nothing in theory, but now he looks like a terrorist.
--116th & Broadway
Overheard by: uptown girl
Headline by: Sarah K
Runners-Up:
· "...Or Ghandi, Whichever." - Johnny
· "And He Wants Me to Call Him Britney in Bed" - Sim Etrias
· "And the Anthrax in His Apartment Is No Picnic Either" - Naked Lunch
· "Oh, Whew... I Thought You Said, "tourist"" - Rhadamanthus
· "Plus, I Wouldn't Qualify As One Of His 72 Virgins" - MarioRPG
· "Racial Profiling Is So Hot Right Now" - Fran
Click here to see the new Headline Contest
Shut Up, T!
Old lady: My grandson Brad and his Jewish wife had a baby.
Old man: That's very nice. And they're all doing well?
Old lady: I guess.
Old man: What is the baby's name?
Old lady: I don't know. Some long Jewish name.
Teenager: They named her 'Amy,' Grandma. Her name is Amy.
--M42 bus
When I Have a Few Spare Minutes
Girl: So, what? You just, like, wait around to pick up Barnard girls?
Guy: Well... Yeah.
--1 train
She Won That Parcheesi Game Fair and Square
Little boy: She's just a freakin' cheater. That's all!
Old lady: Don't call your mother that.
--79th & 2nd
Crotchety Wednesday One-Liners
Dude: You know what I did?! Grabbed my crotch once... Boom!
--Broadway & Prince
Overheard by: amused
Guy: ... And then he shoved his crotch in my face and yelled, 'Does this prove something?!'
--Rare, Bleecker St
Overheard by: Keezles
Blond guy: I had my head in that guy's crotch so many times today. It was nuts.
--Coral Towers
Overheard by: No Pun Intended
Queer to fag hag: I don't think he would mind so much that some Asian guy was fondling my crotch as much as he would be worried about the fact that I accepted a ride with a stranger.
--Urban Outfitters, Union Square
Overheard by: Mikey D. Wong
Small, unattended child, singing: Fire-crotch, fire-crotch, fire-crotch, fire-crotch!
--Columbia University
Who's Your Wednesday One-Liner?
Rich girl on cell: Three thousand for a one bedroom?! ... That's fine. I'm mad at my dad anyway.
--Q train to Coney Island
Guy to buddy: My father was a virgin the first time he had sex!
--86th & Park
Overheard by: you sure he still isnt?
JAP on cell: No, I'm not texting him back! I was more impressed by his father's West Village brownstone than the sex we had in it.
--79th & Park
Overheard by: vibrant
Dude: Who's your daddy? Who's your daddy? My belly button, thank you!
--Bronx-bound 2 train
Overheard by: Niv
Woman on cell: Ah, but you are the father of many things, just as I am the mother of many things.
--26th & Park Ave South
Overheard by: Rose Fox
Big guy with Puerto Rican flag do-rag and huge stuffed animal, to small child: Don'tchu breaka my big Tweety. You breaka my big Tweety, I kill ju father.
--Coney Island Boardwalk
Overheard by: tommy z
Mangy, Flea-Bitten Wednesday One-Liners
Lady on cell: So, I don't know if I should get a coffee table or a dog...
--Stanton & Essex
Woman, about her dog: No, no one ever asks me if he's ugly. I think he's the most beautiful dog in the world. In fact, he looks exactly like Humphrey Bogart!
--25th & 7th
Asian chick on cell: ... Haha, yeah... Well, I hope so! I mean, I had to sell my dog for it...
--107th & Broadway
Overheard by: Xiao Hoah Dze
Hipster girl to another: We should mate your dog with my cat.
--Hanover Square & Water St
Guy in puffy coat to NYU student: Hey, you -- you wanna buy a puppy? [Opens coat revealing puppy.] It's cheap.
--Union Square
Overheard by: The Meganator
The Excited Titter of Wednesday One-Liners
Tech director: I don't need dirty, rusty, random screws.
--Lincoln Center Institute
Overheard by: Brina
Excitable Islamic Studies professor: ... And what happened when the woodcutter spoke to Mohammed? Yes! He gave him wood! This man, he gave Mohammed wood! And why could only this man give Mohammed wood? Just because he was a woodcutter? No! And do you know what happened when this man gave Mohammed wood? Mohammed's wood exploded into flowers! Yes!
--Eugene Lang College
Overheard by: amelia
Man on conference call speakerphone: Our card penetration was not what we expected from the district. Lucy*, can you tell everyone how you got such good penetration at your store this month?
--The Gap, Queens
Conductor: No! No doors in my rear! Not in my rear!
--A train, Broadway Junction
Overheard by: amused
Grandmother tourist to granddaughter: Wanna grab a pole, Lacey?
--6 train, 51st St
Overheard by: With a name like that......
Chick on cell: I sat on a Camelback's nipple, and now my ass is wet.
--Harlem
Overheard by: Ladle
Woman with big bag squeezing past for a seat: Sorry -- once I'm in, you won't even feel me.
--LIRR
Overheard by: Rebecca
Wednesday One-Liners Blame It on the Dog
Clerk: A fart is just a preview of your shit.
--Urban Outfitters dressing room, 6th Ave
Overheard by: NYMD
Frat boy: When she put the six pineapples in her twat, none of us thought she was gonna be able to do it. And then when she farted, there was a cucumber up her butt!
--3rd St, between Ave A & Ave B
Overheard by: Margaret Cho's Little Sister
Fart noise occurs twice.
Woman sheepishly looking into purse, to crowd: My kid put that ringtone on my cell, and I don't know how to get rid of it.
--109th & 3rd
Guy running out of school: Oh, thank God -- thank you, Lord! Thank you so much! [Lets out immense fart.] Christ, I've been holding that in since lunch!
--Outside Bard High School Early College, East Houston St
Girl on cell: You know when you have to fart really bad, but you can't because, y'know, you might shart? That's me right now. That's me.
--9th & Broadway
Gassy man: I hope people are enjoying the warmth from my fart!
--Times Square
Wednesday One-Liners Still Don't Understand Crocs
Woman on cell: Well, I don't think it's appropriate for you to ask me what I'm wearing... Really short shorts and a long shirt.
--69th St & Columbus
Lady on cell: The outfit that I really want only works with beer bottles.
--Duane Reade, 111th & Broadway
Overheard by: Ladle
Guy to girlfriend, about drunk guys dressing up in thrift store: ... And you know one of those guys is going to wake up tomorrow and be like, 'Why am I wearing a kimono?!'
--9th & 3rd
Hipster girl: So, that club she got turned away from? It was for not having on two pieces of corduroy clothing. You know what kind of club that is? A club full of poorly-dressed people.
--Curly's Vegetarian Lunch
Overheard by: magical-newyork.blogspot.com
Dude: I don't know. I just feel like her face is going out of style, you know what I mean?
--27th & 7th
Just the Nicest Wednesday One-Liners You'd Ever Hope to Find
Dude: You really are a nice guy, and it's a good thing you're such a nice guy, because if you weren't, you'd totally be an asshole.
--Lobby of Le Parker Meridien
Overheard by: Rose Fox
Girl: Oh my god, she's so nice. She's a chiropractor and a stripper!
--F train stop, Park Slope
Guy on cell: Yeah, it was nice. I had a real nice time... Yup, she was cremated.
--Lower East Side
Overheard by: kdice
Guy on cell: I know! I know! It's like getting laid! It's like getting laid! I mean, like, you're having a nice dinner, you have a nice wine, but like, is she gonna drop her skirt? You can't tell yet if she's gonna drop her skirt!
--Outside Grand Central
Overheard by: Sarah
20-ish girl to friend: Thank you! You're such a nice person. Except when you're hungry.
--23rd & 7th
Wednesday One-Liners Died for Our Sins
Hipster: So I was walking down the street, and I saw Jesus, and then I was like, 'Hey, how's it going, Jesus?'
--Union Square
Overheard by: Kanad
Subway preacher: The ocean is full of water. Jesus changed water into wine. It's all good. Michael Jackson called it 'Jesus Juice.'
--Rockefeller Plaza subway
Overheard by: G-Lime
Queer: I replaced my imaging of Jesus as a transvestite serial killer to an image of Jesus as a militaristic terrorist...
--1 train
Queer to another: I think Jesus loves Halloween.
--23rd St, between 7th & 8th
Overheard by: adam
20-ish guy: Let me get this straight -- it's spelled like 'Jesus,' but it's pronounced 'Hey-Seuss'? That's just weird.
--49th & 8th
Overheard by: JoBell
Bible thumper: Ladies, you may see a handsome man and think to yourself, 'I want him to be my sugar daddy.' Oh, yes! And he becomes your sugar daddy, and he takes you to Macy's and he buys you a crock pot. Oh, yes! But then later he beats you with that crock pot. Oh, yes! Then you realize that it is not he who is your sugar daddy, it is really Jesus Christ who is your sugar daddy! Oh, yes!
--4 train
Caution: Wednesday One-Liners at Work
Hardhat: Walk in the walkway, people! It's much safer! Watch out for the cabs! They hurt!
--Broadway & Fulton
Overheard by: Adam Nathan
Chunky Mexican hardhat: I might not have a million dollars, but I got a big fat dick to put in her ass.
--St. Patrick's Cathedral
Hardhat: Awright, look -- after lunch, I'll get you a grinder, and then we're having a three-way, okay?
--Barnard College
Overheard by: Vicksburg
Hardhat on cell: So, when you say you want to cheat, do you mean a one-time thing, or is this something you plan on doing again and again?
--14th St, between 6th & 7th Ave
Hardhat to another: Bitch, please! I asked for a pink soda! I'm not going to drink this shit!
--10th & 3rd
Overheard by: Veronika LaRocque
Damp, Delicious Wednesday One-Liners
Man on cell: Is your vagina swelled to the same degree as my penis is swelled?
--Union Square
Overheard by: SayWhhhaat
40-ish guy on cell: So, did she show you her vagina?
--43rd & 3rd
Black guy on cell: This is why I never beg for pussy!
--Spring St & 6th Ave
Overheard by: Emily B
Girl: My vagina is the Lincoln Tunnel.
--NJ Transit, Penn Station
Overheard by: Jason Kruta
13-year-old boy to teen girl: I mean, the pussy's good, but it ain't that good.
--Jamaica-bound E train
Overheard by: Rhonda hearts Queens
Chick on cell: I don't know why I listened to you. It hurt. A lot. My vagina feels like it's on fire. I'm never doing that again.
--92nd & 3rd
Wednesday One-Liners Are a Real Page-Turner
Woman: He read a book on fisting, and now he wants to share it with his class.
--L train
Dude: They should have made Beowulf into a book -- they would have made a lot more money.
--34th & 8th
Overheard by: LetheaBu
Girl: It used to be the only reason I liked Anna Quindlen was 'cause she was blind. Now it's like, 'Dude, she can read?!'
--Barnard College
NYU bimbette to studious friend: Your problem is that you read for all your classes. Sobriety and scholarly. Those are your problems.
--Starbucks, W 4th St
Overheard by: wine girl
Nine-year-old girl: I forgot my book, and I was supposed to do a report on it! Now what am I going to do?! I'm so senile.
--JFK
Overheard by: mr itchie
Book-hawking hobo: ... And this is my new book, 'If You Don't Beat Your Children, They'll End Up Like Me'!
--6 train
Overheard by: Zarek
Skanktacular Wednesday One-Liners
Girl to friend: It's like that saying, you know? 'The pot calling the kettle a slut.'
--W 63rd St
Overheard by: JustVisiting
Woman to table of people: ... Although I'm pretty sure it says 'slut' in my medical file...
--Rolf's, 22nd & 3rd
Overheard by: Ladle
JAP: You can't put a price on casual sex.
--110th & Broadway
Female employee on break, to man: I'm what's called a nymphomaniac. I'll do it anywhere -- on the bus, the train, in the bathroom, in Chick-Fil-A...
--NYU dining hall
Chick on cell: So yeah -- now I have to see this guy on Monday and work with him. I never work with him, but the minute I bone him, now I get to work with him. It's like the walk of shame drawn out for days... Hey, I can't help it if this keeps happening to me... I guess I need to not get drunk and screw my coworkers.
--89th & Columbus
Overheard by: Lala
College girl to friends: I guess you could say it was a friends with benefits sort of thing, except that we only slept together.
--Columbus Circle subway exit
Overheard by: confused by the definition
But I Feel Pretty
Hobo: Pretty, pretty, pretty, pretty girl.
Girl he's staring at: Thank you.
Hobo: Not you! You ain't pretty!
--Crosstown bus
Says So on Her T-Shirt
Chick: Richard, I felt bad about what I said when I realized that Natia was sitting right next to me.
Richard: What did you say, Natalie?
Natalie: I said, 'I'm sick and tired of these terrorists.'
Richard: It's okay, Natalie. Natia is a Muslim, not a terrorist.
--Park Ave
Like the Hollywood Strings' Version of "Hey, Jude"?
NYU dude: Muffled i-Pod noises are the new elevator music.
NYU chick: I miss the old elevator music.
--Elevator, Silver Center, NYU
Cannot Identify Vulcans by Their Blood Color
Teacher: This is pretty darn green bromothymol blue.
Student: What color's it supposed to be?
Teacher: Um, bromothymol blue.
--Stuyvesant High
And I Think Male Deers Are Involved
NYU girl #1: Why do they call it 'Two Buck Chuck,' anyway?
NYU girl #2: Because 'buck' rhymes with 'Chuck.'
--Trader Joe's
Overheard by: someone who knows a popular nickname for Char
Give Me a Scotch and Soda, Hold the Scotch, and Throw in Some Caramel
Queer #1: Can I have Coke?
Waitress: We don't serve sodas here.
Queer #2: What about Diet Coke?
--Bliss Café, Williamsburg
Overheard by: sillyrabbit
There's No Right Time to See "Losing Louie"
Overdressed ticket agent: So, Losing Louie got awful reviews, but if we've learned nothing else, it's to never see a show about a funeral the day after a funeral.
Appropriately dressed ticket agent: Yeah, that must be rough... Like that time I saw Wicked right after my friend melted.
--915 Broadway
To Break Away from His Family's Bacon Business Took Guts
Dorky black kid #1: Dude, I'm a rebel.
Dorky black kid #2: Like James Dean?
Dorky black kid #3: Haha, bitch, you make sausage!
--6 train
Overheard by: Rebel WiithOut a Cause
It Will Also Take Away Your Blemishes and Adam's Apple
JAP #1, after #2 took her picture: Ugh! Doesn't the camera add 50 pounds?!
JAP #2: No, I changed it so it wouldn't do that anymore.
--Metro-North
Overheard by: Jesus Jon
More Than Eight Spices? Some of Those Must Be Duplicates
Tourist spawn #1: Oooh! Mommy, look at that! An eyeball cushion! Can we go in?
Tourist spawn #2: Yeah! Mommy, can we go in?
Tourist mother: No! Any time there is a bunch of strange stuff in a store, you know it is expensive.
--292 Lafayette St
Myra Began to See How It Might Be Fun
Girl #1, reading menu: Cheese and onion pasties...
Girl #2: How can that be true?
--The Cake Shop
Overheard by: Ryan
The Basic Premise of Every Real World Season to Date
White girl dressed like a thug: Yo, reality's on the line!
White girl dressed like a skeleton: And it says that you're a racist!
--East Campus, Columbia University
Overheard by: Nia
How Many Women Does It Take to Change Them?
Woman #1: Are his balls brown?
Woman #2: No, they're light like mine.
--The Village
Overheard by: Amy
Guy Has Never Taken a Close Look at His Scrotum
Girl: You gotta get over this whole 'everything grosses you out' thing. What did you do when your girlfriend had a yeast infection?
Guy: Ew, stop it.
Girl: And what are you gonna do when your wife gets pregnant? All those gross things that go along with being pregnant -- morning sickness, leaky breasts, weird food cravings. Are you ready to watch your wife eat a ham and scallop sandwich with tartar sauce?
Guy: Ewww!
Girl: And you know what else pregnant women get? You ready for this? Hemorrhoids!
Guy: Oh my god, I'm gonna puke.
--Sushi Ya, W 56th St
Overheard by: Just wanted some tempura
Not Target-Good, Anyway
Skinny brunette: ... And Michelle screamed at me! I mean, like, seriously! What's her problem?!
Hot guy, tapping Rolex: We have to go! I need to use the bathroom!
Skinny brunette: Oh, just piss in the bushes. It's not like this is a good store or anything.
--Outside Bergdorf Goodman's
Overheard by: Caley
To Clarify: "I Do Not Know Where London Is."
Foreign exchange student: So, Claudia, since your boyfriend's modeling career is taking off, have you thought of ever going abroad?
Latina: Nah, not really.
Foreign exchange student: Well, you could go to London.
Latina: Ohhh, no. I don't got the time to learn the language.
Foreign exchange student: But Claudia, it's England -- they speak English!
Latina: Well, you know what I mean.
--Fashion Institute of Technology
If You Want to Get Thrown to the Rats
Child: Mommy, look! Do you see that rat?!
Mother: Yes.
Child: Oooh, Mommy, look! Do you see that piece of paper?!
Mother: Yes.
Child: Oooh, Mommy! Can I bite you?!
Mother: Yes.
--PATH
You Should Never Dick around with Your Health
Girl buying coffee, coughing: I hate this throat. It's a piece of shit!
Guy buying Red Bull: You know what helps with that?
Girl: Please don't say 'cock' again.
Guy, flustered and laughing: What I was going to say was 'cough syrup.'
Male cashier, laughing: $8.98's your change.
--Christopher St
Exact Moment in Time When "Nigga" Finally Lost Every Shred of Its Former Meaning
Kid #1, listening to friend's ringtones: What the fuck is this?
Kid #2: That's John Mayer! Don't you know who John Mayer is?
Kid #1: [Stares silently.]
Kid #2: John Mayer! He's huge! [Turns to address rest of train] Don't you know who John Mayer is? John Mayer is the nigga!
--A train
I Confirm All My Reality These Days
Hobo: Hey, is this a movie theater?
Woman behind counter: Yeah. What did you think it was?
Hobo: A movie theater.
--Sunshine Theaters, Houston
Overheard by: Jonathan Rosenblit
Turns Out She Only Has One Head After All
Lush guy: I didn't even recognize his sister. She looked a little different.
Lush chick: Because you were sober?
Lush guy: Yeah, that's it!
--LIRR
Overheard by: Jess McGins
But after a While, I'd Tell Him I Was Dieting
Teen girl #1: What if chocolate came out of dicks?
Teen girl #2: Well, then I'd pay him five dollars!
--Union Square
Headline by: MarioRPG
Runners-Up:
· "A Fine Example Of a Win-win Situation" - mike
· "I'm a Dick and Chocolate Comes Out Of Me About Twice a Day." - Redneck Jedi
· "R. Kelly Trains 'Em Young" - haz
· "We Could Stop Renting Those Party Fountains" - Golf Widow
· "Willy Wonka's Splendifferous Splooge" - MiaMiaPantsonFia
Click here to see the new Headline Contest
There Won't Be Any New Exhibits Until Next Month
Cop to loud ghetto kids strutting through train: Excuse me, but you can't be walking through the trains like this.
Ghetto girl: Ex-cuuuse me?
Ghetto boy: Yo, don't be sayin' shit. Let's be out -- I don't wanna go to jail today.
--Manhattan-bound 7 train
Or a Shot to the Liver
College girl #1: God, I'm so hot.
College girl #2: Yeah, I need a cold drink -- something really cold.
College girl #1: Like a shot of vodka...
--Union Square
Overheard by: thirsty
Permission Denied!
Short scene girl: I'm trying to bring back the bandanna. For sure. It makes me look like a bandit, no?
Tall scene girl: Oh, but of course. Myself, I'm trying to bring back the side pony.
Fat girl: How about the vest? Can I bring back the vest? Hmmm?
Other girls, in unison: Shut the fuck up.
--Whole Foods
Overheard by: Kelly
Did She Give You Milk and Cookies?
Bearded hipster: ... And so I walked into this bar, and this chick just jumped on me and was like, 'I love your beard!' I was the only one with a beard, y'know?
Friend: Dude, you look like Santa Claus at, like, age seventeen.
--Brooklyn-bound F train
Overheard by: prefers clean-chaven men
That Might Be Best
Drama queen, looking at watch: I hope you're happy. We missed our train.
Stressed mother: Okay, okay... Let's just look at the board and see when the next train into Stamford IS.
Drama queen: Mo-ooom...
Stressed mother: Listen, Bethany, I can't help it if the cab driver couldn't speak English and took us to the wrong place.
Drama queen: I think we both know that we're late because you're a fatass and had to stop at Starbucks.
Stressed mother: Bethany, enough.
Drama queen: Mom, I am a child model. I make more money than you do, and I could probably figure out the damn train if you'd let me.
Stressed mother: Enough.
Drama queen: If we don't get back to Vermont by nine o'clock tonight, I'm never speaking to you again.
--Grand Central
Overheard by: Christine
But the Pressure of Your Gaze Is Unwelcome
Thugette #1: I don't care if Jake is smaller than him -- I ain't lettin' him in my ass.
Thugette #2: You can cum from it. [Cool British guy turns to look at them as he passes.]
Thugette #1: What you looking at?
Cool British guy: Would you really like me to answer that?
Thugette #1, sheepishly: No.
--Times Square
Think We Saw Pearl Harbor Coming?
Japanese teacher: So the 'sou desu' form is used when you want to say something seems like something else. Like, Tanaka San seems happy -- you could say 'Tanaka San wa ureshisou desu.'
Student #1: What if he's smiling and he just won the lottery? Would you have to say he seems happy, or could you say that he is happy?
Japanese teacher: Well, you are not Tanaka San -- he could find the money to be a burden -- so you'd have to use 'sou desu.'
Student #2: What if he's yelling that he's happy?
Japanese teacher: He could be lying. You never know with Tanaka San...
--Columbia University
Overheard by: Vicksburg
But at Least You've Gotten That Whole "Chicken of the Sea" Thing Straight Now, Right?
Girl #1: I am, like, so dumb. I mean, really dumb. People look at me and think I'm dumb.
Girl #2: Yeah...
--Central Park
They're Well Past Her at "Almost Pretty"
Almost pretty girl #1: Wow, I look just like Paris Hilton.
Almost pretty girl #2: You wish you looked like Paris Hilton.
Almost pretty girl #1: I do, actually.
--N train
Let Me Call My Twin Brother
Woman: Sir, how much for your peacock?
Man with handful of peacock feathers: Ten bucks.
Woman: Well, then I'll take two!
--15th St, between 1st & 2nd
Tony: Stop Objectifying Me!
Redhead: And look -- he gave me a hickey last night.
Man: I thought he was gay.
Redhead: He is.
Man: Oh, good. I was afraid my radar stopped working.
Guy behind them: I was going to say, 'He deserves a fucking Oscar for his gayness.' Or Tony. Whatever.
--55th St, between 2nd & 3rd
It's Always Been Gay
Latino: I took my kids to that gay pride parade they have down here. Rainbow flags everywhere. Man, you guys stole our flag!
Queer: Whose flag? Puerto Rico's?
Latino: What?
Queer: What was the rainbow flag before it was gay?
Latino: I don't know.
--BarMinnow, 9th & 7th, Park Slope
Overheard by: Guess I stole his flag too
Straight Outta Disney, Y'all
Little boy: I saw Bambi at Adam's house, and did you know that Bambi's mother died?
Black nanny: I didn't know that. How did she die?
Little boy: She was shot.
Black nanny: Damn. That's some Compton shit right there.
--83rd & Broadway
Overheard by: flower and thumper were strapped
Is That How Identity Theft Works?
College guy #1: Did Dwayne go home this weekend?
College guy #2: Yeah. Like a bitch.
College guy #1: I think we should just call him Drew. Then nobody will know who he is.
--School of Visual Arts dorm
Psych! I Know You Used to Have a Career.
David Lee Roth: Hey, kid, you want a ticket to Van Halen?
20-something: Sure, sounds good.
David Lee Roth: Psych! Get the fuck out of here, kid.
Bouncer, to 20-something: You know that was David Lee Roth, right?
20-something, turning to David Lee Roth: Holy shit, you're the guy from the Adam Sandler song!
--Outside Scores, 60th & 1st
Overheard by: Adam Nathan
Read the Previous Week's Quotes!
