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I Fully Support You from a Safe Distance
Gay activist with clipboard: Hi there -- do you have a minute for gay rights?
Suit: Not really, no.
--W 4th St & 6th Ave
But Is That "Fair Use"?
Guy with electric bass: This one's real hard. Real hard. I'm gonna give whoever gets this one three dollars! Three dollars! [Sings] I can see clearly now the rain is gone...
Mother of three: Jimmy Cliff! Jimmy Cliff!
Guy with electric bass: Did you say 'Jimmy Cliff'?! [Mumbling upon seeing her litter] Man, I wish she didn't have so many babies... [Shouting to her again] You -- you thought I said 'rain.' I said 'train' -- I can see clearly now the train is gone... I wrote that, not Jimmy.
--2 train
Overheard by: jil
The Subway Is No Place for a Room Full of Boners
Muscular balck guy enters holding his shirt, wearing only boxers.
Young white mother: How did you know it was going to rain?
Black guy: I didn't want my shirt to get wet, so I took it off.
Old hobo, panhandling: Man, you could give lap dances right here!
--R train
Overheard by: Emma
The Most Hilarious Exsanguination Ever
Preppy teen girl #1: ... And there was blood, like, everywhere!
Preppy teen girl #2: Haha, oh my god.
--Soho
Overheard by: dannyl
Everybody Walks Over Her, but No One Stops
Little girl: You're like a staircase!
Mother: You're like a staircase!
Little girl: No, you're like a staircase!
Mother: How am I like a staircase?
Little girl: Turn around, and be like a staircase!
--11th & 4th
Overheard by: tj
About 999,999 in a Million New Yorkers, to Be Exact
Dad: The first president was George Washington, then John Adams, then Thomas Jefferson, then James Madison, then--
Little girl: --Who's the last president?
Dad: The president now? George W. Bush.
Little girl: I thought he was dead.
Dad: No... Some people want him to be.
--B1 bus
Overheard by: Jennifer
We Won't Know Until the Eggs Hatch
Guy #1: ... And then I got hit by a car.
Guy #2: Are you a mutant?
--Cafeteria, The New School
Overheard by: katie caroline
And Smoke It?
Crackhead girl: I said excuse me, man! Get the fuck outta my way!
Guy: Geez...
Crackhead girl: And you better fix your zipper before I take your penis!
--4 train
Overheard by: iliveherebutstilllooklikeatourist
I Brought My Paddle!
Passenger #1: I'm gonna be riding in the Five Boro Bike Tour, but I haven't begun training yet. If I don't train, my legs will be fine but my ass will be sore. My ass isn't ready for that long a ride.
Passenger #2: I think Jake* would love to help train your ass for the ride!
--4 train
Overheard by: Hobo Whisperer
From R.L. Stevenson's Treasure Trail Island
Girl #1: How often do you get wet?
Girl #2: Oh my god, we're in public!
Girl #1: Well, I was just wondering, because everybody back home thinks you're such a slut!
Girl #2: Piss off! At least I'm not a fire crotch!
Girl #1: Don't you ever call me that ever again, or I'll delete you off my Top Eight on MySpace!
--Times Square
Overheard by: Andrew
Can You Catch White?
Old black woman: Hey, you! That white woman left her purse! Take it and give it to her! What's wrong with you? The white woman sitting next to me left her purse here -- go after her and give it back!
Young guy: I have no idea what you're talking about.
Old black woman: The white woman! She left her purse! Give it back [throws purse at him and it falls to the floor. Young guy walks away shaking his head.] What's wrong with you people? Obviously you don't care!
--Port Authority bus terminal
Overheard by: bri b
New York's Most Critical Couple Savages Another Musical Event
Woman, about Hairspray: Harold, except for the finale number, I thought it wasn't anything special. All the screaming and the jumping and the music...
Man: You're right, Doris.
Woman: You know what was the golden era of the Broadway? The really good shows, Harold?
Man: What were they, Doris?
Woman: The Cats, The Les Mis, The Phantoms... That was the zenith, Harold. This one -- I don't know what it is.
Man: Me neither, Doris. Me neither.
--52nd St
Overheard by: izzy
Aw, Fuck This -- Let's Just Play Strip Candyland Like Usual
Nine-year-old boy: Would you rather be naked in public or in front of a hundred boys? Including me...
Nine-year-old girl: A hundred boys. Would you rather be naked in front of this whole bus or just this back half?
Nine-year-old boy: Just the back half... Wait... You're in the back half, right?
--M79 crosstown bus, Central Park
Overheard by: Rachel
You, for Example, Are No Fucking Fun at All
Skinny girl: Overweight people have the best sense of humor. Skinny people--
Fat girl: --They're not funny.
Skinny girl: I don't know what it is about being fat.
--Alumni Hall elevator, NYU
Overheard by: zelda
Time for That Coming-Out Party
Guy #1: Man, I feel really, like, weird. I don't know how to explain it!
Guy #2: I do, man. One word: muchachos.
--Wall St
If It Were Real Love, She'd Be in His Top 8
Thug #1: Did you know her before?
Thug #2: That's the thing -- I just friend-requested her on MySpace the day before the party.
Thug #1 and #3, in unison: True love, nigga.
--McDonald's, 33rd & 7th
The People Who Brought You the Annual "Going Out of Business" Sale
20-something girl: So, I guess we are now officially corporate hos.
30-something man: Yeah, so now you have to learn to play tennis.
Girl passerby: What does that have to do with anything?
20-something girl: Then we can be corporate hos and tennis pros -- duh.
30-something man: We should do commercials... Why don't we work for an ad agency?!
--59th & Lex
I Don't Know Nothin' 'bout Birthin' No Movie
Tourist: What's the name of the movie?
Busy cameraman: Gone with the Wind, Part Two.
Tourist, walking away: Well, that's a smart-ass answer.
--Movie set, 53rd & Broadway
Overheard by: crew sympathizer
You Can Do This with Almost Any Song
Black kid #1, about "Benny and the Jets" on radio: Yo, Benny and the Jets, nigga!
Black kid #2, singing in tune: Benny and my balls!
--A train
If I Had Some Food, I Could Soak This Right Up
Hobo: Hello, ladies and gentlemen -- I am hungry. I do not do drugs or drink. I am just in need of some money for food, and--
Woman, sitting down: --Excuse me, your bag is leaking on us!
Hobo, removing burst 40: Oh, fuck!
--F train
They're Heil-arious
Hipster #1: They're called what?
Hipster #2: Urban Youth. Like Hitler Youth, but funny.
--St. Mark's Pl
I Think I'm for It
Senior girl #1: So, what is that 'Derfer' thing I keep seeing all those signs about?
Senior girl #2: What?
Senior girl #1: You know, Derfer -- D-A-R-F-U-R
Senior girl #2: Dare-fyore? Hmmm, I don't know.
Senior girl #1: Whatever. Anyways...
--Townsend Harris High
And That I Took Those Two Hits of Acid Earlier
Older woman: What's the time, dear?
Teen girl: Two o'clock.
Old woman: Are you sure? It looks dark outside.
Teen girl, annoyed: Yes, I'm sure.
Man, overhearing: Actually, I think it's seven P.M.
Teen girl: Oh, right. I forgot we set the clocks back this weekend.
--86th & Lex
Overheard by: Arun
While I Listen to Beethoven's Fifth
Punk chick: So, what do you masturbate to?
Punk singer: What do you mean, what do I masturbate to?
Punk chick: Like, what do you look at?
Punk singer: I guess I look at my dick.
--CBGB
Overheard by: Jimmy Guthrie
How I Got Guilted into Running Marathons
Father to screaming toddler: Y'know, some people ran 26 miles today, and I'm only asking you to walk a block!
--Times Square
Her Kids Shop at Hot Topic and Think They're Badass
Tourist #1: Hmmm, I want to eat someplace funky...
Tourist #2: What about that? That looks funky.
Tourist #1: Mmm, no... Oh, look -- Cosi! Sandwiches, wine, and dessert. Now that looks funky. Let's go be crazy.
--50th & Broadway
Overheard by: CrazyMickey
Great, Now Stop Flinging Poo
Girl: Shut the fuck up, Josh!
Boy: You told me to be a fuckin' quiet monkey, and I'm being a fuckin' quiet monkey, and you tell me to shut the fuck up? I am a fucking quiet monkey!
--16th & 1st
Overheard by: Caroline
Or Trains at All! Why Go On?
Conductor: There will be no Seven Train service today.
Hardhat: Good. After the Mets lose, we don't need the fucking Seven Train!
--6 train
Overheard by: phenders
And Look Great Doing It
Girl #1: So, like, how does the story end?
Girl #2: I think they all get guillotined.
--Marie Antoinette showing, Clearview's Chelsea Cinema
Overheard by: Barbie and Bernie
And Yet If I Said "Bicycle," You'd Admire Me
Guy: I wanna get a horse and ride it all the way to L.A.
Girl: That might have been the most retarded sentence ever uttered.
--34th & 8th
Conspiracy to Commit Ignorance
12-year-old kid: Shit, man, dem niggas isn't shit.
Friend: Mmm-hm.
12-year-old kid: Shit, man... Man, I kill bofth dem niggas!
Friend: Mmm-hm, and I'd do it witcha.
12-year-old kid: Mmm-hm.
--188th & Hoffman, Bronx
Overheard by: why do i go to school in the Bronx?
Or Is That because the Train Is Going North?
Dude: Do any of these trains go under water?
Chick: Yeah, you can feel it getting colder. It's so cool.
Dude: Which train is it?
Chick: It's one of those trains that goes from Brooklyn to Manhattan. I think it was the B or the G...
--6 train, Brooklyn Bridge City Hall
Like Chaka Khan
Cashier woman: Put that down! Will you put that down?!
Cafeteria aid, holding an issue of The Source: Why should I? This ain't yours! You're, like, fifty!
Cashier woman: Shit, you don't know me. I might be a hip-hop granny.
--Hunter College
Overheard by: steve d.
And He Always Explodes Too Soon
Cute blonde: So, I thought I might like him, and we went on some fun dates, but then he shaved his head and now I can't go out with him.
Friend: Wait -- what's wrong with him shaving his head?
Cute blonde: Well, nothing in theory, but now he looks like a terrorist.
--116th & Broadway
Overheard by: uptown girl
Headline by: Sarah K
Runners-Up:
· "...Or Ghandi, Whichever." - Johnny
· "And He Wants Me to Call Him Britney in Bed" - Sim Etrias
· "And the Anthrax in His Apartment Is No Picnic Either" - Naked Lunch
· "Oh, Whew... I Thought You Said, "tourist"" - Rhadamanthus
· "Plus, I Wouldn't Qualify As One Of His 72 Virgins" - MarioRPG
· "Racial Profiling Is So Hot Right Now" - Fran
Click here to see the new Headline Contest
Shut Up, T!
Old lady: My grandson Brad and his Jewish wife had a baby.
Old man: That's very nice. And they're all doing well?
Old lady: I guess.
Old man: What is the baby's name?
Old lady: I don't know. Some long Jewish name.
Teenager: They named her 'Amy,' Grandma. Her name is Amy.
--M42 bus
When I Have a Few Spare Minutes
Girl: So, what? You just, like, wait around to pick up Barnard girls?
Guy: Well... Yeah.
--1 train
She Won That Parcheesi Game Fair and Square
Little boy: She's just a freakin' cheater. That's all!
Old lady: Don't call your mother that.
--79th & 2nd
Crotchety Wednesday One-Liners
Dude: You know what I did?! Grabbed my crotch once... Boom!
--Broadway & Prince
Overheard by: amused
Guy: ... And then he shoved his crotch in my face and yelled, 'Does this prove something?!'
--Rare, Bleecker St
Overheard by: Keezles
Blond guy: I had my head in that guy's crotch so many times today. It was nuts.
--Coral Towers
Overheard by: No Pun Intended
Queer to fag hag: I don't think he would mind so much that some Asian guy was fondling my crotch as much as he would be worried about the fact that I accepted a ride with a stranger.
--Urban Outfitters, Union Square
Overheard by: Mikey D. Wong
Small, unattended child, singing: Fire-crotch, fire-crotch, fire-crotch, fire-crotch!
--Columbia University
Who's Your Wednesday One-Liner?
Rich girl on cell: Three thousand for a one bedroom?! ... That's fine. I'm mad at my dad anyway.
--Q train to Coney Island
Guy to buddy: My father was a virgin the first time he had sex!
--86th & Park
Overheard by: you sure he still isnt?
JAP on cell: No, I'm not texting him back! I was more impressed by his father's West Village brownstone than the sex we had in it.
--79th & Park
Overheard by: vibrant
Dude: Who's your daddy? Who's your daddy? My belly button, thank you!
--Bronx-bound 2 train
Overheard by: Niv
Woman on cell: Ah, but you are the father of many things, just as I am the mother of many things.
--26th & Park Ave South
Overheard by: Rose Fox
Big guy with Puerto Rican flag do-rag and huge stuffed animal, to small child: Don'tchu breaka my big Tweety. You breaka my big Tweety, I kill ju father.
--Coney Island Boardwalk
Overheard by: tommy z
Mangy, Flea-Bitten Wednesday One-Liners
Lady on cell: So, I don't know if I should get a coffee table or a dog...
--Stanton & Essex
Woman, about her dog: No, no one ever asks me if he's ugly. I think he's the most beautiful dog in the world. In fact, he looks exactly like Humphrey Bogart!
--25th & 7th
Asian chick on cell: ... Haha, yeah... Well, I hope so! I mean, I had to sell my dog for it...
--107th & Broadway
Overheard by: Xiao Hoah Dze
Hipster girl to another: We should mate your dog with my cat.
--Hanover Square & Water St
Guy in puffy coat to NYU student: Hey, you -- you wanna buy a puppy? [Opens coat revealing puppy.] It's cheap.
--Union Square
Overheard by: The Meganator
The Excited Titter of Wednesday One-Liners
Tech director: I don't need dirty, rusty, random screws.
--Lincoln Center Institute
Overheard by: Brina
Excitable Islamic Studies professor: ... And what happened when the woodcutter spoke to Mohammed? Yes! He gave him wood! This man, he gave Mohammed wood! And why could only this man give Mohammed wood? Just because he was a woodcutter? No! And do you know what happened when this man gave Mohammed wood? Mohammed's wood exploded into flowers! Yes!
--Eugene Lang College
Overheard by: amelia
Man on conference call speakerphone: Our card penetration was not what we expected from the district. Lucy*, can you tell everyone how you got such good penetration at your store this month?
--The Gap, Queens
Conductor: No! No doors in my rear! Not in my rear!
--A train, Broadway Junction
Overheard by: amused
Grandmother tourist to granddaughter: Wanna grab a pole, Lacey?
--6 train, 51st St
Overheard by: With a name like that......
Chick on cell: I sat on a Camelback's nipple, and now my ass is wet.
--Harlem
Overheard by: Ladle
Woman with big bag squeezing past for a seat: Sorry -- once I'm in, you won't even feel me.
--LIRR
Overheard by: Rebecca
Wednesday One-Liners Blame It on the Dog
Clerk: A fart is just a preview of your shit.
--Urban Outfitters dressing room, 6th Ave
Overheard by: NYMD
Frat boy: When she put the six pineapples in her twat, none of us thought she was gonna be able to do it. And then when she farted, there was a cucumber up her butt!
--3rd St, between Ave A & Ave B
Overheard by: Margaret Cho's Little Sister
Fart noise occurs twice.
Woman sheepishly looking into purse, to crowd: My kid put that ringtone on my cell, and I don't know how to get rid of it.
--109th & 3rd
Guy running out of school: Oh, thank God -- thank you, Lord! Thank you so much! [Lets out immense fart.] Christ, I've been holding that in since lunch!
--Outside Bard High School Early College, East Houston St
Girl on cell: You know when you have to fart really bad, but you can't because, y'know, you might shart? That's me right now. That's me.
--9th & Broadway
Gassy man: I hope people are enjoying the warmth from my fart!
--Times Square
Wednesday One-Liners Still Don't Understand Crocs
Woman on cell: Well, I don't think it's appropriate for you to ask me what I'm wearing... Really short shorts and a long shirt.
--69th St & Columbus
Lady on cell: The outfit that I really want only works with beer bottles.
--Duane Reade, 111th & Broadway
Overheard by: Ladle
Guy to girlfriend, about drunk guys dressing up in thrift store: ... And you know one of those guys is going to wake up tomorrow and be like, 'Why am I wearing a kimono?!'
--9th & 3rd
Hipster girl: So, that club she got turned away from? It was for not having on two pieces of corduroy clothing. You know what kind of club that is? A club full of poorly-dressed people.
--Curly's Vegetarian Lunch
Overheard by: magical-newyork.blogspot.com
Dude: I don't know. I just feel like her face is going out of style, you know what I mean?
--27th & 7th
Just the Nicest Wednesday One-Liners You'd Ever Hope to Find
Dude: You really are a nice guy, and it's a good thing you're such a nice guy, because if you weren't, you'd totally be an asshole.
--Lobby of Le Parker Meridien
Overheard by: Rose Fox
Girl: Oh my god, she's so nice. She's a chiropractor and a stripper!
--F train stop, Park Slope
Guy on cell: Yeah, it was nice. I had a real nice time... Yup, she was cremated.
--Lower East Side
Overheard by: kdice
Guy on cell: I know! I know! It's like getting laid! It's like getting laid! I mean, like, you're having a nice dinner, you have a nice wine, but like, is she gonna drop her skirt? You can't tell yet if she's gonna drop her skirt!
--Outside Grand Central
Overheard by: Sarah
20-ish girl to friend: Thank you! You're such a nice person. Except when you're hungry.
--23rd & 7th
Wednesday One-Liners Died for Our Sins
Hipster: So I was walking down the street, and I saw Jesus, and then I was like, 'Hey, how's it going, Jesus?'
--Union Square
Overheard by: Kanad
Subway preacher: The ocean is full of water. Jesus changed water into wine. It's all good. Michael Jackson called it 'Jesus Juice.'
--Rockefeller Plaza subway
Overheard by: G-Lime
Queer: I replaced my imaging of Jesus as a transvestite serial killer to an image of Jesus as a militaristic terrorist...
--1 train
Queer to another: I think Jesus loves Halloween.
--23rd St, between 7th & 8th
Overheard by: adam
20-ish guy: Let me get this straight -- it's spelled like 'Jesus,' but it's pronounced 'Hey-Seuss'? That's just weird.
--49th & 8th
Overheard by: JoBell
Bible thumper: Ladies, you may see a handsome man and think to yourself, 'I want him to be my sugar daddy.' Oh, yes! And he becomes your sugar daddy, and he takes you to Macy's and he buys you a crock pot. Oh, yes! But then later he beats you with that crock pot. Oh, yes! Then you realize that it is not he who is your sugar daddy, it is really Jesus Christ who is your sugar daddy! Oh, yes!
--4 train