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Ah, Screw It, I'll Do It.
Tourist to another: Ummm, we're on Hew-stin. How do we get to--
Passerby: --Dude, it's pronounced How-ston, not 'Hew-stin.' You better say it right, or someone else who's not as nice as me will beat you up.
--Houston & Broadway
Unfortunately, Prince William Has Bodyguards
Man, entering diner: ... And then I grabbed him and humped him against the wall.
Friend: Yeah, I would've done the same thing.
--Crosstown Diner, Bronx
At Least I Have a Rack, Little Miss Mosquito-Bites
Teacher, guiding field trip: Don't you look cute today, April?! I love your dress. I wish I could wear one like it.
Kindergarten girl: Maybe if you lost some weight, you could.
--L train
Like 1-900-Perjury?
Ethics lecturer, to room of lawyers: Can I call a witness I think is going to lie?
Lawyer: ... On the telephone?
--Practising Law Institute, 52nd & 7th
Blushes Are in Short Supply in Manhattan
Chick #1: God, we look so wasted, baked...
Chick #2: Your face is sooo red.
Chick #3: It kind of matches your eyes, though -- like you're blushing a lot.
--Restroom, Barnes & Noble
Overheard by: tanechka
Just because You Peed There Didn't Make It a Bathroom
Greasy, middle-aged man: It's not your beer.
Cracked-out, middle-aged woman: I left it in your bathroom!
--30th & 9th
Overheard by: India
Even Her Shar Pei Agrees
Lady #1: How's Aunt Beth* doing?
Lady #2: Good. She needs a makeover.
Lady #1: A makeover?
Lady #2: Yeah, she lost all that weight.
Lady #1: Ohhh -- an extreme makeover.
Lady #2: Yeah.
--V train
I Don't Like Where This Is Going
Drunk kid: Have you ever seen Asian female nipples?
Asian kid: What?
Drunk kid: I mean, not your own.
--Columbia University
Overheard by: Evil
Wait 'Til He Stumbles Upon the Human Elephantitis Gallery
Queer teen #1: Yo, when I went to Yellowstone, I took this pic of a buffalo from behind, so you can see the balls hangin' down and everything! It's awesome!
Queer teen #2: What? That's the single worst thing I ever heard! You sick, man. Damn.
Queer teen #1: What the fuck are you talkin' 'bout? It's the best pic ever! I made it my desktop! Buffalo balls are cool!
--Garfield & 7th Ave, Park Slope
Overheard by: Mike N
"God" -- You Were Way Off!
Chick #1: Man, I wish Colin would stop saying he loves me.
Chick #2: Why, you don't love him?
Chick #1: I care about him, but I don't love him. I only love one person.
Chick #2: Who? God?
Chick #1: No -- me.
--Park Plaza Diner, Brooklyn
Overheard by: Haley
It's Called the "Down Low" for a Reason
Thug #1: Yo, let's have sex!
Thug #2: Nah, bro, chill with that.
--Coney Island Ave & Beverley Rd, Brooklyn
Overheard by: djingo
I Take Pride in My Work
MTA worker, holding bucket: Hey! Buddy, did you take a shit over there by that machine?
Hobo, laughing: Not yet!
--A/C/E/L station, 14th & 8th
Overheard by: JayBee
Especially Since They're Largely the Same People
Teen girl: I just realized I have a lot of numbers belonging to teachers and parents of my friends on my phone.
Friend: You're such a loser.
Teen girl: Well, I also have the numbers of a lot of drug dealers and sketchy older guys I've had sex with, so I think the two cancel each other out.
--Horace Mann School
Overheard by: jen
Ashley, I'm Serious!
Teen girl #1: Where did the stereotype that blondes are dumb come from?
Teen girl #2: Poland.
--Brooklyn Tech
Overheard by: Julie
Besides, We're Making Good Time
Suit #1: We don't know where we're going... Keep going straight?
Suit #2: We'll figure something out...
Suit #1, two stops later: You want to get off, or go one more?
Suit #2: Let's keep going -- roll the dice.
--F train
Overheard by: Xavier
So Anyway, We're Expecting Our First Child in June. Yuck.
Girl: ... So then he was like, 'Do you think I'm hot?' and I was thinking, 'Ewww,' but instead I was like, 'You're cute,' and he was like, 'Yeah, I like you, too. You have a nice ass,' and I was all, 'Ewww!'
Friend: Oh, yeah! Like, the same thing happened to me!
--Queens College
Right Now I'm Sweet and Maybe a Little Saltly
Bible thumper: There is a reason they call it 'Black Friday.' This is the end of times, folks. They are here.
Queer working at Alexia Crawford: Man, I can't wait to be 60 and bitter.
--Union Square
Overheard by: ritechus
Somebody Got up on the Right Side of the Bed
Teen girl #1: No! I can't go, because your mom's a motherfucking whore!
Teen girl #2: Okay, I love you! Bye!
--104th & Broadway
No One Could Really Call Al Gore "Alive"
NYU chick #1: So, is he dead?
NYU chick #2: Well, he wakes up, but... you know...
--Brown Building Lab, NYU
I Don't Get It, but I Like It
Teen daughter: Dad, what do you think we might see when we get there?
Straight-faced dad: Naked lady on a white horse.
Red-faced mom, after long pause: No.
Dad: What? When's the last time you saw a white horse?
--A train
Cue the Rick James Video
Tramp stamper #1: My vagina itches.
Tramp stamper #2: Do you have scabies again?
Tramp stamper #1: I don't think so, but I probably could...
--27th & 7th
Overheard by: Arabella Swathmore
At the Micromanaging Quarterfinals
Tourist dad: So, if you had two hundred dollars and you could spend it in the city any way you wanted to, what would you--
Small boy: --I'd buy roasted peanuts.
Tourist dad: What? No. Not peanuts.
Small boy: Why not? If it's my money, I'm gonna spend it on peanuts!
Tourist dad, annoyed: Fine, you can get the damn peanuts. What would you do with the rest of the money?
Small boy, thinking: Well, that would leave me with... about a hundred and ninety dollars?
Tourist dad: No way. You are not buying 10-dollar roasted peanuts.
--Broadway
Overheard by: amused pedestrian
American Society: Does. Not. Compute.
Thug #1: Yo, she brought her friend along.
Thug #2: Yeah, but she was fat 'n' ugly, right?
Thug #1: No, man. She was fat 'n' cute!
--L train, 8th Ave
Overheard by: kalbijim
I'm Kinda Racissy
Chick #1: Would you ever get your pubic hair chemically straightened?
Chick #2: No, I wouldn't let Chinese people touch my vagina.
--A train
Overheard by: Francesca
Do What Kathy Griffin Does -- Rip on Renee Zellweger
Dad: The invitation says five-thirty, but it probably won't start until six.
Little girl: Six? I don't understand -- why do they make everyone rush to get here, and then we just have to wait?
--Miss Potter premiere, DGA Theater, 57th & 6th
There Would Be No Further Booty Calls for Ian
American woman: I heard this song the other day -- the lyrics were great.
British man: Hm?
American woman: It was almost as good as that one song -- you know, that one that goes, 'Ain't no call like a booty call, 'cause a booty call just don't stop.'
British man: Uh-huh.
American woman: The lyrics are all, 'Looove is my religion. I'll take you to the temple tonight.'
British man: Wow... Let's just try to make some more really shitty metaphors, why don't we?
--Choga, Bleecker St
Overheard by: Alice
I Don't Forgive Mel, and I Don't Forgive You
College stoner: Wouldn't it be awesome if, instead of being Oedipus's mother, Jocasta was Wal-Mart or some other embodiment of the commercial-industrial complex? And, instead of blinding himself with his mother-wife's brooches, Oedipus stabs himself in the eyes with his name tag pin? Like, I wonder what that all would mean, dude. You ever think about that?
Studious black friend: Wow. Pretentious much? Or are you just hashed right now?
College stoner: Hashed, man. Totally. What were we talking about, again? Oh, yeah!
--The Strand, Union Square
Overheard by: neongensis
Where Jeopardy! Winners Come From
Mom pushing stroller: ... And how do you spell 'Loch Ness'?
Four-year-old boy: L, um... L-O, um... um... L-O-C-H-N-E-S-S
--17th St & Irving Pl
You're Not Worth It. We Spit in Toronto's Coffee Now
Barista guy to girl wearing Red Sox hat: What do we have here? A Red Sox fan? What are you doing in this city? You don't belong here. Hey, what's your name? Hey! Are you ignoring me?
Red Sox girl: I'm sorry, did you say something?
Barista guy: Yeah, I was talking about your hat -- it sucks.
Red Sox girl: Yeah, whatever. You didn't spit in my latte or anything, did you?
--Starbucks
Overheard by: Snooper
They Stopped Reading after "Do Unto Others"
20-ish Yankees fan #1: ... And I told him, 'Dude, you have a penis -- use it.'
20-ish Yankees fan #2: That's kinda like rape.
20-ish Yankees fan #3: Remember when there were all those pictures of the American soldiers torturing Iraqis?
20-ish Yankees fan #2: Yeah, that was awesome.
--42nd St
Overheard by: GoRedSox
The UN Delegates from North and South Korea Are at It Again
Woman: I mean, chicken nuggets go straight to your ass.
Man: At least my tits don't sag.
--42nd & 8th
Does Penney's Even Carry Rubber?
Mom, looking at bedding: Oooh, this one is nice.
Daughter: Mom, I'm getting married. I want to have sex. Lots of it. Hot, steamy, nasty, married-people sex. I just don't think I can do that on pastels.
--JCPenney bridal registry
He'll Forget It, Though; She Won't
Girl: I'm sorry I kicked you into a VIP table. I love you.
Guy: I'm sorry I called you a slut. I love you, too.
--L train
If by "Discount Shopping" You Mean "Anonymous Barebacking"
Young girl with Texan accent #1: What's Soho?
Young girl with Texan accent #2: Oh, that's like where they have all the discount shopping places.
--R train
Headline by: dan
Runners-Up:
· "Bush Twins.......Activate!" - stephie
· "In Texas, We Call It Mexico..." - Michael Haigh
· "There's a Wal-Mart in SoHo?" - Chuckles
· "They Were Disappointed with DUMBO, Too." - nick
Click here to see the new Headline Contest
White People Come to Understand Hip Hop Very Gradually Indeed
American: Americans call the last letter in the alphabet 'zee,' but in Britain they call it 'zed.'
Swede: Oh! That's why Jay-Z is pronounced 'Jay Zee' and not 'Jay Zed'!
--JFK
The Truth Is Too Boring to Tell
Lady in SUV shouting out window: What's everyone standing in line for?
Hipster guy in line: Free Kittens!
Lady in SUV: What?
Hipster guy: Rolling Stones!
Lady in SUV: Oh.
--Art exhibition, Spring St
Overheard by: namatovu
But Don't Quit Your Day Job
30-something mom: Here we are. Here we are. Get it? Here we arrre.
Five-year-old daughter: That's a good one, Mommy.
--R train station, Union St
Overheard by: Tacologic
Wednesday One-Liners, by Calvin Klein
Girl yelling to friend across street: Hey, guess what? I smelled it! I smelled it from here!
--Fordham University
Blonde on cell: So, I just took my hair down, and all I smelled was Dove and crack.
--JFK
Overheard by: spanky
Man to no one: It smells like my ex-wife in here!
--Highline Ballroom
Hootchie on cell: No joke -- it smelled ripe down there. I be all, 'Jimmy... D-A-M-N! I'm too busy gagging from the smell to gag on your bits.'
--W Broadway
Girl crying on cell to boyfriend: How could you fuck her?! Her pussy stinks!
--Union Square
Overheard by: SplendidConfusion
Thug on cell: Yo, I'm sure she smells better now, bro!
--Harlem Meer, Central Park
Overheard by: mj
People Move to New York to Escape Their Wednesday One-Liners
Man introducing lady friend to pal: This is Lucille, my ex-wife... She's my second cousin... She was also my second wife.
--136th St, Harlem
Middle-aged woman: I have such a bad memory! I know, I know. I know. There are times I go to my daughter, 'How do I spell my name?'
--D train
Overheard by: Jess McGins
Loud woman on cell: She's evil! Don't you know she killed mama? That's the family secret!
--Q83 bus
Overheard by: It's Jady, BiTChesss!!
Guy talking on cell: I completely understand that she was pissed off, but I mean, come on! She did hit her sister in the head with an iron!
--11th Ave
Lady: So, I bought my niece a gift. I don't know why... She's such an ungrateful little bitch.
--Grand Central
Man on cell: ... So she said, 'There's no easy way to tell you this, so I'm just gonna say it... You have a four-year-old son.'
--26th & Park
Overheard by: Nick
Wanna Buy a Bridge, Wednesday One-Liners?
10-year-old tourist kid: Mom, is Brooklyn famous for its graffiti?
--Coney Island-bound D train
Overheard by: BB
White guy, pointing: Over there in Brooklyn three-year-olds just, like, walk around!
--Delancey & Essex
Overheard by: Red Hair
Guy walking through bar: What's with Brooklyn and beards?
--Union Hall, Park Slope
Overheard by: jasonjason
Guy: Brooklyn is the middle borough in terms of goodness.
--Kosher Delight
Thugette to double decker tour bus: Brooklyn! Brooklyn! You're taking a tour of Brooklyn! I just got out of jail!
--Brooklyn
Overheard by: Staying on the bus....
Wednesday One-Liners Are Here to Fix the Cable
Guy: So, I saw this video online of a chick who tied her beef curtains in a knot...
--Astor Pl
Chick: Maybe I should scrap my dissertation and just write erotica?
--Columbia University
Overheard by: Wild Dog Boy
Chick: My favorite porn line, and possibly my favorite movie line ever, is, 'Suck it, my queen. Suck it.'
--Grand Sichuan, St. Mark's Pl
Overheard by: Rose Fox
Intern to another: They do too make gay pornography!
--42nd & Madison
Overheard by: Nicolas Agrait
Cube neighbor on phone with friend: So, the first thing she needs to do is throw it out -- get rid of all the porn. I mean, she has closets and closets full of it!
--Midtown
20-something woman on cell: I may be too analytical for erotica.
--Outside Century 21
Overheard by: McFreaky
Wednesday One-Liners Read Overheard in the Office
Conductor: Are you going to work? Are you going somewhere? Let us know by getting out of train doors.
--R train, Lexington Ave stop
Bartender swinging nipple tassels: Can you believe they wouldn't let me do this at my old job?!
--Bar, Broadway, between 76th & 77th
Overheard by: Lezbotron
IT guy: I can break whatever I want, because I fix it!
--Office, 45th & 3rd
Overheard by: beans
I-banker to two others: He got the bonus for people that don't get bonuses.
--Metro-North
Comedy club flyer guy: I hate my job, and it's all your fault!
--Times Square
30-something hippie at show: 2008 is the year that I get a job.
--New Year's Eve concert
Overheard by: Smash
Just One More Hit of Wednesday One-Liners
Conductor: Attention, ladies and gentlemen, there's a slight delay due to reports of somebody smoking crack... and other stuff... on the back of the train.
--Church Ave
Overheard by: Katie & Jaime
Teen girl, to older woman: You 'posed to eat. Ain't 'posed to smoke no rock!
--Classon & DeKalb
Queer in RA's office: Now, when we got there they were selling hash brownies and weed muffins -- we were in Amsterdam -- and everyone else was trying some, so I figured I would, too. Then we went to the Anne Frank Museum, and of course that's when they started kicking in...
--Fordham University, Lincoln Center
Overheard by: Wishes he heard the rest of the story
Man on cell: I know, but then they started smoking crack on stage.
--10th St & Stuyvesant
Guy on cell: I'm at Stuy High... Whaddya mean ya don't know what that is?! Gotta know where the weed's at!
--Near Stuyvesant High
Man to concerned woman: Don't think of it as buying weed from a drug dealer. Think of it as supporting a cottage industry.
--Christopher & Bleecker
Overheard by: amused priest
Wednesday One-Liners Get Their Learn On
Teen to another: Yo, if I pass in June, I'll only be in high school five years! [Pounds fists with pal.]
--F train
Chick: I used to be a straight-A student until I realized I was just learning how to get A's.
--Diner, Chelsea
Frat boy: There are still wedgies in Quaker school.
--19th & 5th
Overheard by: Jeff McCrum
Lunching chick: I mean, I only feel sort of responsible for their illiteracy. I am their teacher...
--Dishes Restaurant, 45th St
Overheard by: Literate
Teen: No lie, my nigga -- I wrote a perfect essay! I wrote a perfect essay, nigga!
--Marte Valle Prep School, Stanton & Norfolk
Teacher giving tour: Back then it was very difficult to graduate from high school, and it still is, judging from the amount of people who drop out. Although a tree stump could graduate from Saint Ann's... Okay, no one put that in the school newspaper quotes... Please...
--Chinatown
Just Wait 'Til You Have Wednesday One-Liners of Your Own
Thug dad to toddler after bumping stroller down stairs: I call that there ride 'The Earthquake.' You like that? ... Well, see, you're too young to appreciate the magnitude of what just happened.
--A train
Overheard by: Stephie
Ghetto mom to seven-year-old kid: You don't know how to hustle! You ain't no hustler, she ain't no hustler... No hustlin'.
--137th & Broadway
Overheard by: should she be saying that to a 7 year old?
Mom to eight-year-old daughter: This is not about apostrophes! This is about verbal agreement!
--F train at Broadway-Lafayette
Mom to son climbing on ferry railing: You wanna jump? I'll throw you. Then I ain't gotta buy you no Power Ranger.
--Staten Island Ferry
Overheard by: autumn
Mother to three-year-old trailing behind: Stay close, baby, you know how ferry men like to take little boys.
--Whitehall Staten Island Ferry Terminal
Overheard by: Ryn
Mom: Boy, don't you listen? I swear, I will tear your ass up on this bus in front of everyone if you don't behave. [Kid ignores her, and mom pulls out cell.] Fine, I'll call Santa on yo' misbehavin' ass.
--BX 21 bus
Woman holding child's hand: You're my daughter, right? Okay, good.
--Port Authority
Overheard by: Nervous
Wednesday One-Liners Join the AARP
Old guy with gray hair: I used to be an old guy with gray hair!
--Mott & Canal St
Overheard by: Will
80-year-old man: What is rough sex? Do I put her against the wall? I don't know.
--10th & 3rd
Overheard by: Liz
Old lady struggling to get layers of scarves and coats off: I'm not used to having to put clothes on.
--New York Historical Society
Old lady on cell: Old people like sex! I'm 85, and I still like me some sex!
--Port Authority
Overheard by: imerikaf
75-year-old lady to hobo on bench: Oh, wow, you look so cozy!
--Central Park
Old man with cane to 20-ish girl who just nabbed the cab he hailed: Happy holidays, you dumb bitch!
--62