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Just Blessed with a Lovely Contralto
Hobo, singing: If you want my body, and you think I'm sexy, baby won't you tell me so?
Tourist woman: You go, girl!
Hobo: Yo! I'm a guy!
--R train
Another Product of Wicca Affirmative Action
Substitute teacher: Ummm, you in the back -- yeah -- what are you doing?
Student, formerly mumbling and waving arms: Oh, just casting a spell.
--Hunter
It's Like The Island Of Dr. Moreau Out There
Girl #1: Well, you and she have the same taste in men.
Girl #2: Hmmm... That could be bad with y'all bein' roommates and all.
Girl #3: Eh, not really, because she likes Long Island boys, and I find them repugnant.
--11th & University
Overheard by: eloise in heels
Which Originated on Easter Island
HS girl #1: What's that Friday right before Easter? I think it's Passover, right?
HS girl #2: Yo, you know Easter was created by the Easter Orthodox Church?
--M train, Williamsburg Bridge
Overheard by: Tito
They'll Have Their Own Reality Series within a Week
Girl #1: Okay, let's go around the table and tell horrible hook-up stories.
Girl #2: Can anything top the time I woke up stark-naked in London after a night partying in New York?
Girl #3: No one can top that. Unless you consider the time I stole a guy's car in the middle of the night so I wouldn't have to do the walk of shame.
Girl #4: Don't forget the part where you wrecked it and went to jail...
--Spice Market, 13th & 9th
Overheard by: Jess
I'd Blow Up a Bridge, Too, after Listening to Yorke's Solo Album
Black teen girl to friends refusing to get on train: Why you gotta be so stupid? Get on the damn train!
Black teen guy: They gonna just stand there like that? Let the train go!
Black teen girl: Bitch said she thought that guy's gonna blow up the train [points to gloomy white kid in RadioHead shirt].
Black teen guy: What?! Why you gotta say that when we goin' over the bridge?!
--Brooklyn-bound J train
Overheard by: cp
Getting Cooler
Teen: Oh my god! You're sooo cool.
12-year-old ghetto kid, throwing snappers at him: Fuck you, cracka!
--President St, Park Slope
Overheard by: Lucian
On Her Back
Girl #1: She's really hairy, like no one else.
Girl #2: Yeah, I know what you mean -- in a cute way.
Girl #1: She does the bows and barrettes all the time...
--M34 Crosstown bus
Lady, All I Asked You Was, "Which Way Is Uptown?"
Distraught girl: Is there an 'I' in 'relationship'?
Guy: [Silence.]
Distraught girl: Well, is there?!
Guy: Um... There's two, actually...
Distraught girl: God... You're so selfish! You just don't understand me.!
--Brother Jimmy's, 92nd & 3rd
Overheard by: issheaskinghimthis?
Why Old Friends Are So Important
Tourist lady #1, about Barbara Walters nearby: Wow. She looks young.
Tourist lady #2: Please -- she's got makeup on.
--47th & 8th
Overheard by: Dan
It's Vital to Show Them Who's the Master
Tween girl: Hey, these are cool...
Teen girl, gasping in horror: You never say that to shoes!
--Shoe store, 80th & Columbus
But Not Self-Consciously So
Girl: I still don't understand the definition of emo.
Boy: It's more emotional than other music.
Girl: Oh, please, everything is emotional. My face? Emotional.
--27th & 3rd
Overheard by: A. Pincus
No, Thanks -- I Had a Big Lunch
Excited suit: ... So it was like 'Bang, bang, bang!' A whole gang of managers was driving the stock down!
60-something suit: Hmmm. Gangbang?
--200 Park Ave
Overheard by: Can't Believe I Butt Her
Open-Toed Sandals Don't Make 'Em Cream Like They Used To
Hot straight guy #1: Geez, what size shoes do you wear, dude?
Hot straight guy #2: They're size fourteen.
Hot straight guy #1: And how tall are you?
Hot straight guy #2: Oh, I'm 6'1".
Hot straight guy #1: Damn, dude -- you must have a huge cock!
Queer: Dude...
Hot straight guy #2: Man, I thought you were gonna say what I always hear -- 'Dude, big feet -- you know what that means? Big shoes!' I hear that all the time.
Hot straight guy #1: I know, right?
Hot straight guy #2: I like to say, 'Yeah, it means a big cock, right?' but that always leads to an awkward silence. I applaud you for coming right out with that.
Queer: Um...
Hot straight guy #1: Yeah, I left my shoes at my girlfriend's the other day, and her mom made a comment on them -- 'Big shoes...' I mean, her mom!
Hot straight guy #2: That's crazy.
Queer: Guys, look -- unless you're gonna whip 'em out, can we stop talking about your gigantic cocks, please?
--1166 6th Ave
Overheard by: Duncan Pflaster
And Stop Fondling Yourself
PA announcement: Passengers with over-sized packages must check them at the end of the jetway.
Traveling dude #1: I have an over-sized package... But I can't check it, baby! Woo-hoo!
Traveling dude #2: You're a jackass.
--LaGuardia
Overheard by: octoserge
Most of Them, Anyway
Professor: All the students in the classroom are all the same -- no one moves out of their little box.
Blonde: Everyone is the same unless they are different, except that they are the same.
--Modern Lit. Class, NYU
Overheard by: Brenda
Is This Possible? On the Next Mythbusters...
Guy #1: So... You're saying you got herpes?
Guy #2: That's what I'm sayin'! I ain't even messed around or nothin'!
--Penn Station
Fine, I'll Count My Blessings. Whatever.
Woman receiving massage: Do you fix a broken heart?
Chinese masseuse: What? What you say. Heart? Pain? Heart not good?
Woman: I said, do you fix a broken heart?
Chinese masseuse: Hmmm... You heart is good! No bad! No worry! You healthy -- very, very good!
Woman: Oh... Good...
--Massage parlor, Mott St
White People: When You Guys Figure It Out, Let Us Know
Black teen #1: Word up, nigga.
Older black man: No, no, no, sister. Don't use the N-word. Please. Anything but that. Show some respect for your sisters and brothers.
Black teen #2: Fuck you, nigga! You're not my father!
--B train
Overheard by: PDJ
You Won't Get a Lot of Hits -- Unless You Ask
Sales guy: Are you going to Google me?
Queer: I don't know, are you Google-able?
--Saks Fifth Avenue
Kids Know Something Adults Usually Forget
Little boy, pointing at two midget passersby: Whoa! Mom, look! That is so cool!
Midgets: Haha, dude, that little boy is awesome!
--1221 Rockefeller Center
Overheard by: Sellout In A Suit
Nice Hat, Though
Preppy guy #1: Oh, man, I can't believe you. You're just such a... a gay cowboy.
Preppy guy #2: Haha, Brian's* not a cowboy.
Brian*: Oh, thanks, dude. Thanks.
--Macy's
Overheard by: greg
There'll Be No "Expiation" Tonight, If You Get My Drift
Drunk: See, my wife's from Portugal and I'm from Italy -- I want my reparations tonight!
Wife: Not at this rate.
Drunk: Oh, I am so sleeping on the couch tonight.
--Penn Station
Overheard by: Marilyn
But distantly enough that scoring a Wendy's employee is a toss-up.
Employee: That'll be $2.79
Customer who ordered Hi-C and fries: Why wasn't the Hi-C 99 cents?
Employee: You didn't ask for the 99-cent one.
Customer: Well, I want the 99-cent one. I'm not Sean John... I look like Sean John... I'm related to Sean John.
--Wendy's, 56th & 8th
Well, What Do I Know about Foreign Capitals?
Hipster boy: That's why they call this the windy city?
Hipster girl: This isn't the windy city -- that's Seattle!
--PATH train, E 9th St
Overheard by: POOP!
Been Propping My Ass Up with 'Em for Years
Guy, during pillow fight: I'm afraid my pillow has all these STDs now!
Girl: Hellooo, you can't transmit STDs pillow-to-pillow!
--Union Square
At Least They're in Favor of Painful Ass Sex
Queer: So, I guess I'm officially part of the Bank of America family now, but I don't really feel like I am.
Fag hag: What do you mean?
Queer: It's like my mom married into it, and now I'm the Bank of America's ignored stepchild.
--Fordham University
Trouble Brewing
Dad in suit: Your grandfather said that you and your sister are just delicious.
Adorable moppet girl: Oh, Daddy, that's silly. I'm not delicious!
Dad in suit: What are you, then?
Adorable moppet girl: I'm cute.
--M101 bus
Overheard by: bemused
Mommy Worked for the Treasury Department in the '80s
Little girl eying food at counter: Mommy, how much is a dollar?
Absent-minded mother: Thirty-six cents.
--LaGuardia
Got No Knowledge to Keep Me Warm
Girl #1: Did you hear Bush's speech thing last night?
Girl #2: No...
Girl #3: Hmmm, no... Wait, is Citibank a real bank?
Girl #2: Actually, I don't know [giggles]... Should we stop by Abercrombie?
Girl #1: I'm freezing!
--54th & 5th
Overheard by: dale
We Call Our Act "The Aristocrats"
Four-year-old kid, picking nose: Mom! Mom! [Kid holds out booger.]
Mom: Where the fuck did you get that? Your nose? What the fuck do I want that for?
Four-year-old kid: Ummm...
Mom: That's fucking gross! Drop that shit! [Mom grabs kid's wrist and shakes vigorously until booger is dropped.] Now, give me a chip! [Kid gives mom a chip with booger hand.]
--A train
Overheard by: Adam Tetzloff
Been Eye-Fucking for Years, Babe
Upset girlfriend, hitting boyfriend: Look at you! There you go again!
Boyfriend, caught looking: What?! She was looking at me.
Girlfriend: How you know? How you know?!
--Court Square
Overheard by: Running Late
I Wanna Talk about the Girl in My Building
Guy #1: Dude, you know what I realized? I really miss Allison*.
Guy #2: Yeah?
Guy #1: Yeah. Like, we talk on IM, but I haven't seen her since the summer, and I was just such a dick at the end, y'know?
Guy #2: Yeah...
Guy #1: I told her we should hang out over break.
Guy #2: Yeah... You wanna get a beer?
Guy #1: Are you even listening?
Guy #2: Yeah. Hey, you want Thai?
Guy #1: Unbelievable. Next time you come crying to me about how the girl in your building has a boyfriend, I'm gonna hang up on you.
Guy #1: This might be the gayest conversation we've ever had.
Guy #2: Agreed. Can we go Saki-bombing?
--49th St
If Rosa Parks Had Been a Latina
Conductor, as lady's bag keeps catching on door: One woman is single-handedly holding up the entire New York City transit system.
--F train
Headline by: Tad Allagash
Runners-Up:
· "Atlas Shopped" - Rosie
· "More Specifically: One Poor, Tattered Pomeranian Is Single-handedly Holding Up the Entire New York City Transit System." - criffer
· "Not True- There's a Hobo Asleep On The Tracks 3 Stops Ahead" - Dangello
· "Passengers: (Continued Indifference)" - Chuckles
· "Then the Lord God Said to the Woman, "What Is This You Have Done?"" - amanda p.
Click here to see the new Headline Contest
Also "Burn Things"
Young man, about entirely light-blue painting behind glass: What is this? What the heck is this, anyway?
Mother: It's saying something.
Young man: What's it saying?
Mother: It's saying, 'I'm an extra mirror. I'm here if you need me.'
--Contemporary Art section, MoMA
Grandma's Always Thinking Ahead
Black guy: Excuse me, brotha, may I borrow your phone for two minutes?
Old man: Sure.
Black guy, on phone: Wassup, baby? I'm on the line for the liquor store right now... What the fuck you mean 'What line'? The line to get into the fuckin' liquor store! ... I said, the fuckin' line fo' the fuckin' liquor store! You fuckin' retarded? I said the fuckin'-- Oh, okay. [Hangs up, handing the phone back] She already got the liquor!
--Outside liquor store, Webster Ave
I Trust You'll Be Marrying My Sister
Thug #1 seeing thugette across the intersection: Oh, shit! That bitch sucked my dick!
Thug #2, yelling across street: Nice job, Lacy!
--32nd & 7th
Wednesday One-Liners Have Their Lawyers on Speed-Dial
Old man on cell: Oh, God, I was drunk out of my mind. I was drunk, drunk, drunk... Yeah, I was so drunk I don't even remember being arrested. I woke up and I was like, 'Where the fuck am I?'
--Washington Square Park
Buff black guy to small black guy: Maybe you should go to jail to get your weight up.
--153rd & Edgecombe
Overheard by: DaHustler
Guy on bench to friend: There is no way you're not going to jail tonight.
--Outside Whole Foods
Overheard by: Big Apple repeat offender - just visiting
Tough guy on cell: Man, what are you worried about? So what if they brought you in? It's not assault if you didn't use a weapon, right?
--Brooklyn
Overheard by: Chicagoan in NY for first time
Guy on cell: That would have been worse! Then I would have been resisting arrest at a black tie event!
--35th St, between 8th & 9th Ave
Overheard by: Jason
One Flew Over the Wednesday One-Liner's Nest
Teen: I just like popcorn, cake, and Pepsi, so my mind's going crazy and I shake a lot...
--Chipotle, 33rd & 5th
Crazy girl on cell: ... So he tells me I'm crazy. I'm not crazy! Why does he think I'm crazy?! There is no way I'm crazy! He's crazy for thinking that!
--33rd & 6th
Angry black woman: Why are they taking pictures of the crazy man? Goddamn tourists! God damn them all!
--1 train station, Christopher St
Overheard by: Rose Fox
Tourist woman: I think the only people that speak English here are the crazy people screaming obscenities on the streets.
--Mulberry & Broome
Chick on cell: Then again, who am I to talk about being crazy? I have a clove of garlic in my cooch!
--113th & Broadway
Overheard by: McFreaky
The Happiest Wednesday One-Liners on Earth
Blonde: At least if I die on the tram I won't have to go to Disney World.
--Tram from Roosevelt Island
Overheard by: Laura
Woman on cell: That's kind of surreal to go from Disneyland to Scientologists.
--53rd & 5th
Middle-aged nerd, pointing to the Cyclone: I've ridden it over a hundred times, and every time the whole time I'm like this [puts both arms up over head]. It's considered, you know, the cool, fun way to ride if you can do it the whole time. Most people can't.
--Coney Island
Overheard by: Ace Montana
Old guy to two others: Over there is Brooklyn. Coney Island is there. It's just like a Spanish Disney World.
--Vandam St & 6th Ave
Overheard by: Katie Dearest
Queer: So last night, me and my friend were being all catty and talking about our friend who got a really good job... I was really jealous and pissed, but then I realized -- she may have an awesome job, but she's never been to Disney World. Then I felt better about the whole situation.
--NYU
Overheard by: Does Six Flags count?
Wednesday One-Liners Taste the Rainbow
Seven-year-old, looking around: Mommy, is this a gay place?
--Columbus Circle Mall
Deadpan guy: Just for future reference, when you have gay sex in a bathroom stall, you might wanna put paper bags over your feet so people don't see two pairs of male feet under the door and catch on... I'm just saying.
--Wagner College
Overheard by: Zabet
Fat chick: Gay sex makes everything better.
--Nederlander Theatre
Scruffy college student to friend: So, I told my parents I was gay... Then they told me I was adopted.
--Starbucks
Overheard by: ramona
Old Asian woman, smiling after reading tabloid cover: He is not gay!
--Barnes & Noble, 18th & 5th
Overheard by: I still think he is :-/, BiTCHESSSS!!
Wednesday One-Liners Would Never Call It "Vay-Kay"
Dude: Maybe I'll just go on vacation with my left hand.
--67th & Columbus
Overheard by: Meli
Teen tourist on cell: I'm on vacation -- I'm allowed to be a slut!
--Times Square
Trinidadian conductor on PA: This is Broadway-Nassau/Fulton Street. Transfer on the upper level for 2-3-4-5, J, M and Z... And please keep in mind that this time tomorrow, I'll be landin' in Trinidad in the sun, hahaha!
--A train
Overheard by: Russ Wall
Conductor: Just remember that on Sunday, I'll be on my way to Acapulco! Ho, ho, ho! Did you ever see Santa in short pants and a t-shirt?
--A train
Overheard by: amc
Girl to friends: Yeah, so, you know how I was obsessed with my ex, right? So, he totally doesn't know this, but one time when he was on vacation with his family, I broke into his house, looked through all his stuff for like three hours, and then took a huge dump in his parents' bathroom and peaced.
--Grand Central
Worker to another: Wear something non-flammable when you go on vacation.
--Tiffany & Co.
The Jabberwocky's Wednesday One-Liners
20-ish guy to friends: Talk about sweat -- I never swat so much in my life!
--Bleecker & MacDougal
Blonde: I'm not a naysayer! I'm not! I'm a yes-sayer... An ambiguous answer-sayer...
--Union Square
Overheard by: Confabulation Nation
Bimbette: Oh my god, I was dramatized! I couldn't even look at him.
--Staten Island Ferry
Suit: I just walked into Barnes and Nizzle to take a wizzle.
--Barnes & Noble, 22nd St
Guy to friend: If the Yankees win the first two, it'll be a swept.
--Rockefeller Center
Paint department clerk to customer: Do you want interior or outerior?
--Home Depot, Brooklyn
Supermarket cashier: I was actually valedictorian in high school, and I wore four-inch heels to graduation. And surprise, surprise -- I falled.
--Greenpoint, Brooklyn
Wednesday's Too Sexy for Its One-Liners
Thug: Yo, baby! You so sexy! You look just like Ugly Betty!
--26th & Lex
Overheard by: Myrtle
Wandering popcorn vendor : Popcorn! Get your sexy popcorn here!
--Shea Stadium
Overheard by: Mets Fan
Ghetto mom to young sons: Where my sexy glasses at?!
--W 96th St & Central Park West
Overheard by: Megan W.
Teen thugette: You know who sexy? Mickey Mouse. That nigga sexy!
--Q11 bus, Queens
Jogger: I'm checking out my shadow to see how long my hair is in the back -- it's fuckin' sexy!
--Central Park
Man: I love sexy cheese. I love sexy cheese!
--Outside Fordham University
Overheard by: ...sexy cheese?
Wednesday One-Liners: The Musical
Crackhead singing to another: You don't bring me flowerrrs anymorrre.
--Starbucks, W 4th & Grove
Drunk guy crossing street: No touching, ladies... I'm saving myself for divorce. [Sings] Iii'm saving myself for divorrrce!
--36th & Broadway
Conductor: Next stop, New York, New York. [Singing] New York, New York, oh what a beautiful city -- New York, New York! [Speaking normally] Penn Station is next, folks.
--NJ Transit
Man running down subway stairwell, singing: At least it's snowing!
--79th & Broadway
Overheard by: it wasn't snowing
Girl, singing: I love tweeeed!
--Century 21
Man on bus, singing: I want a vagina for Christmas.
--92nd & 3rd
Brunette, singing: You put the sushi in your coochie and you turn yourself around -- that's what it's all about!
--Morningside Heights
Overheard by: Ladle
Wednesday One-Liners Ain't Shit but Hos and Tricks
Queer: If a song starts with, 'It's Britney, bitch!' you kind of expect it to be good!
--8th & Broadway
Overheard by: Um, You do?
Girl: Why you call me a bitch? I'm Nigerian!
--NYU bus
Overheard by: sjhaughty
Thug on cell: You a bitch! You afraid to shower!
--42nd St
Overheard by: Brian Libido
Three-year-old WASP, entering room: Welcome to this bitch!
--Supercuts, St. Mark's Pl
Overheard by: Leo
Kid running ahead of exhausted mom: Run, bitch! Run!
--Prince St & W Broadway
Wednesday One-Liners Will Do Everything but the Bikini Wax
Queer: I just want to work on my arms. I don't need to bother with abs -- I'll just spray them on.
--New York Sports Club, 23rd St
Lady in elevator to grandma with walker: That M.A.C Stuff is like spackle! It stays on for hours!
--Macy's
Overheard by: nuck
Columbia co-ed: I always put on makeup when I'm drunk. It's such a bad idea!
--114th St & Broadway
Overheard by: tired of Morningside Heights
Young girl: Mom, can I get my Social Studies teacher a gift? I'ma get her some lotion, 'cause she mad ashy! Yo, I ain't even lyin'. I ain't even lyin'...
--Steinway St, Astoria
Ghetto chick hanging up cell angrily: Great! He gone messed up my day! Now I'm definitely getting my hair and nails did!
--Wendy's, 34th & 8th
Overheard by: Jesus Jon
Smooth As a Wednesday One-Liner's Bottom
Girl: So, I saw this woman using her baby as a weapon, and I was like, 'I don't think you should be using your baby like a weapon.'
--LIRR
Overheard by: Gaby
Woman on cell with her man: Daaamn! Your baby-mama be cock-blockin'.
--F train
Girl: I don't want AIDS, I just want his baby!
--Queens
Blue collar Yankees fan about father's car, to friends: I never did nothing to that car... 'cept I burned a cigarette hole in the seat. I did do that. But nothin' else. I drove that car like a baby.
--E train
Overheard by: John G
Preggers on cell: I'm in labor right now, but it's okay because I told the baby that they have to wait a while. I still need to eat, and I want to take my time and enjoy this meal. Any child of mine can come after.
--Ecco, Chambers St
Wednesday One-Liners Can't Stomach Humble Pie
Lady suit at lunch: Actually, I prefer people who are just like me.
--Lower East Side
30-something: Everyone knows my name, and I know everyone's name.
--Herald Square
Overheard by: acep
20-ish guy looking at reflection in elevator mirror: This is why I love elevators -- I get to look at myself. I am so hot. Have you ever realized how hot I am? Yeah, I'm really hot. [Leans in and kisses his reflection.]
--AMA Building, 48th & Broadway
Overheard by: Heather
Guy getting off train: The king is leaving!
--R train
Overheard by: peace out, your highness
Sister Mary Agnes Experiences the City's Coarsening Effect
Woman: Which is why Jessie shouldn't be giving me this shit!
Man: She misses bonding time with her father.
Woman: Little fucking cuntsnot.
--Hunter College
Shakespeare Makes Everybody Feel Like That
Girl: Jordan*, are you in the special English class, too?
Jordan: Yeah.
Girl: Why are we in that class? Is it something like an advanced class?
Jordan: No, it's more like a retard class...
--Times Square
Dartmouth Girls
Girl #1: Damn... It smells like a fart.
Girl #2: Yeah, I didn't say anything 'cause I thought it might have been you... [After long pause] So, it was you, wasn't it?
Girl #1: Fuck yeah!
--Fame Diner
Overheard by: Ms. Hazard
I Put Them on My Hands Like Puppets and Pretended They Were Moaning
Girl #1: When Jeff ate me out, all I was wearing were my socks.
Girl #2: That's sad...
--J train
Overheard by: Mona
It Was Even Better When the Teller Gave Me All Her Money
Australian girl #1: Winkieland?
Australian girl #2: Yeah, there are Winkies in Oz. I was one -- I wore a stocking on my head and a potato sack.
Australian girl #1: Cool.
--50th & Broadway
Overheard by: CLA
It's Good to Be Visible
Crazy guy: Happy New Year! Nice to see me!
Suit: Nice to see me, too.
--A train
Overheard by: Katie
Last Week She Powdered Her Nose and Wet Her Pants
Delicate grandmother to little girl: Do you need to use the ladies' room?
Blunt father, translating: Do you need a toilet?
--79th & Broadway
Overheard by: Susan Volchok
The Jewish Kid in The Polar Express Told Her
Guy: I can't believe my boyfriend's little brother still believes in Santa Claus.
Cute girl: Why? How old is he?
Guy: He's ten.
Cute girl: He should still believe in Santa Claus.
Guy: Well, I knew better by ten.
Cute girl: I didn't. I didn't know until I was sixteen.
--Virgin Megastore
Overheard by: Levi
And P.S. -- Nobody's Mistaking You for a Teenage Girl
Queer #1: Ewww, that's sooo disgusting.
Queer #2: It's a puddle, you fag. Get over it.
--14th & 7th
Overheard by: Luke
Care to Buy This Videotape of It Anyway?
Stranger guy: Sooo, you guys on a first date?
Girl, whose date just headed for the restroom: No.
Stranger guy: Good. It did not feel like one.
--83rd & 3rd
From MILF to Skankbag: My New York Journey
Frumpy middle-aged woman #1: I don't know... I guess some people just want to have a sugar daddy. I've thought about getting one.
Frumpy middle-aged woman #2: I guess they just like having kids say, 'Wow, your mom is hot.'
Frumpy middle-aged woman #1: Meanwhile, the other moms are saying, 'What a skank-bag!'
--M27 bus
Little Cream-Filled Twinkie That She Is
Woman #1: They're always having kids.
Woman #2: I think she just gets pregnant really easily.
--Union Square
Well, They Are Crackers
Dark-skinned immigrant: I had oral sex with two white women. My first time with white women.
Friend: How was it?
Dark-skinned immigrant: Ummm... Salty.
--Supreme Court, Bronx
Overheard by: Big Larry
You Know, I Wasn't Going to Steal Your Purse, but Now...
Teen #1: Fuck, man. Fuck.. Fuck!
Old black lady: Respect yourself -- you better respect yourself.
Teen #2: [Mumbles.]
Old black lady: What did you say?! Oh, I thought so. This is why they created more prisons -- just for you.
--Q train
Especially Since You Lost That Arm
Woman #1: You've got two more years left, and then do you know what you're going to be? Fifty years old.
Woman #2: And I get better-looking every year.
Daughter: No, you don't!
--R train
Overheard by: Jon A.
It Wasn't a Dadaist Who Drew That Mustache on the Mona Lisa
Hipster to man pressing napkin against Annie Leibovitz picture to write down a number: What are you doing?! You can't do that!
Russian man: Is okay -- it happens.
--Brooklyn Museum
Overheard by: I swear, I didn't know him!
... Until His Parents Died
Girl #1: Remember that one guy I dated? He was one of those people that said weird things like, 'I'm gonna get really rich when my parents die.'
Girl #2: ... Is that supposed to impress you?
Girl #3: I dunno, but he was an asshole.
--The Knitting Factory, 74 Leonard St
Overheard by: Hana
See, That's How They Get You
Midwestern lady: Do you have to be Jewish to like cheesecake?
Midwestern man: Uhhh...
Midwestern lady: 'Cause I think Protestant girls can like cheesecake, too.
--2/3 train
Overheard by: Katie Grady
This Time We'll Have an EMT on Standby
Dumpy girl, holding Babeland shopping bag: Aren't you glad we went there, sweetie?
Dumpy guy, holding same kind of bag: I'll let you know later, babe.
--1 train
About As Much Chance As Any Other Non-White Candidate
Man #1: Yo, I heard Osama may run for President in 2008. That's crazy, man. If he comes out the cave, they will get him for sure.
Man #2: I think it's Obama who may run -- Senator Obama.
Man #1: Oh. I still think Osama would have a chance.
--E 4th St
Overheard by: Hobo Whisperer
Our Bad
Girl #1: So, we have a bet -- if I have sex first, then I have to wear a shirt that she's written all over, but if she-- [looks around].
Girl #2: If she what?
Girl #1: ... I'll tell you later. I feel like people are listening, and I don't want to end up on some website.
--Starbucks, 51st & Broadway
Time for You to "Fall Down Some Stairs"
Dad: You ask too many questions!
Five-year-old son: What time is it?
--Park Slope, Brooklyn
Overheard by: Aili
Headline by: Babakganoosh
Runners-Up:
· "Followed By, "Why Is the World Upsidedown? Why Is the Ground Rushing Up at Me So Fast? Where Is All My Blood Going?"" - Falling 80 stories sucks
· "If You're Gonna Catch a Beating, You May As Well Earn It." - Xvi
· "It's Time To Play "Justified Child Abuse"!" - Patrick
· "Preamble to the Slaughter" - Paul Tabachneck
· "Yeah, Well, Wait 'til I Get to the Hard Ones, Like, Is It Okay to Masturbate?" - Chris
Click here to see the new Headline Contest
So the Dog Show Went Well, Then?
Female student: He couldn't keep his eyes off of me.
Friend: Yeah?
Female student: Yeah, if I had said, 'Jump,' he would've said, 'How high?' That's how fucking hot I was last night.
--Union Square
Overheard by: billy
Little Lizzy Borden Was Always a Helpful Sort
Stressed manny watching three kids: Ugh! [Under his breath] I'm gonna kill myself...
Little girl: Here's a knife [cheerily hands him a butter knife].
--W Hotel Restaurant, 17th & Park
Now We Know What You Want
Male college student: Hmmm... I think maybe I'll order something.
Horny female companion: You should, since we both know you haven't eaten anything today.
Male college student: Oh, no -- I had lunch earlier...
Horny female companion: That was a sexual innuendo, stupid.
--Starbucks, 115th & Broadway
I Mean, It Was a Root Canal
Dude #1: Whoa, dude! On the first date? That's like anal!
Dude #2: Nah, man, that's like drilling her a new hole!
--Silver Center, NYU
Overheard by: Gidget
You Have Your Fantasy, I'll Have Mine
Chick #1: You know, we're just like robots.
Chick #2: Yeah!
Chick #1: People tell us what to do, and we have to do it.
Chick #2: We're just like models!
Chick #1: Really?! ... We're so not models.
--Union Square
Which Is Why I Had This "I'm Wrong" Shirt Made Up for You
Man: There are always two sides to every conversation.
Woman: Yes, but there's always a right side and a wrong side.
--34th & 5th
You Always Bring It Back to Moo
Teen girl #1: Let's run! [Starts to gallop with friend.] Look, I'm a horsie!
Teen girl #2: Moo!
Teen boy: Hahaha!
--9th & 7th, Park Slope
Overheard by: thankfully sober
You Know, the One with the Cigar and Mustache?
30-something ramper: So, Gerald Ford died, huh?
20-something ramper: Who's he?
30-something ramper: A president of the United States, you dummy.
30-something ramper: Oh, he was that Bay of Pigs guy, wasn't he?
--Ramp breakroom, LaGuardia
Sir, You're Bleeding
Woman in large fur coat: What the fuck is wrong with you? Seriously! All you do is fucking bitch!
Man in leather coat: Oh, go to hell, Addy.
Woman: You fucking asshole. Do you need a fucking tampon? You want a tampon?! [Searches through purse, finds tampon, and flings it at him.] Here you fucking go!
Man catches passerby staring: What the fuck are you looking at?!
--Chinatown
Overheard by: LizBeth
In My Day, You Had to Walk Two Miles Barefoot to School and a Coke Bottle Sufficed As a Dildo
Girl: There's a new sex toy -- it's really advanced... You can choose how much body fat you want, change the skin color, everything.
Guy #1: Wait, do you inflate it?
Girl: No! It's like a dead person you just fuck.
Guy #2: Wouldn't it be a lot of work for girls?
Guy #1: Dude, she can just sit there.
Guy #2: But still, she has to hop! Like, hop up and down.
Guy #1: Dude, if it's that advanced, I'm sure the cock moves.
Guy #2: Oh, true. Yeah, it probably has a boner.
--Washington Square Park
Overheard by: freckles
I May Need to Report You to Homeland Security
Teen girl #1: I think Johnny Depp is so super hot! With all his dirty, disgusting hair in Pirates... Mmmm, so hot.
Teen girl #2: I don't get it. I seem to be the only person who doesn't find him cute.
Teen girl #1, very serious: I've never met anybody quite like you.
--R train
Overheard by: Jen
Almost As Skinny As My Conscience
Executive: You know, when you have a lot of money, you buy a lot of things you don't need or don't even ever use.
Associate: I know. I know exactly what you mean.
Executive: I mean, I buy clothes sometimes that I've never even worn. I give a lot of them to my housekeeper.
Associate: Me, too. I give my small clothes to my housekeeper -- he's very skinny.
--Crosby & Spring
Overheard by: Lowly Laborer
Taking Off That Dead Animal Would Be a Good Place to Start
Heavily-pierced fur protesting chick: You're arguing with a 16-year-old!
Fat, pro-fur guy: That doesn't give you an excuse to be stupid.
Heavily-pierced fur protesting chick: Lose some weight! Lose some weight!
--5th Ave
Overheard by: Maddie
Whenever He's Right, I Have to Be the Bottom
Queer #1: My friend wants to know where you are from.
Queer #2: I'm from Thailand.
Queer #1, disappointed: Oh... My friend thought you were Asian.
--Chelsea
Overheard by: Kenzi
You Need to Stop Eating Chameleons
Boyfriend: How are you doing?
Girlfriend: Gooood.
Boyfriend: Gooood?
Girlfriend: Same shit, different color.
--Nostrand St, Brooklyn
Overheard by: Duncan Pflaster
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