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Just Blessed with a Lovely Contralto
Hobo, singing: If you want my body, and you think I'm sexy, baby won't you tell me so?
Tourist woman: You go, girl!
Hobo: Yo! I'm a guy!
--R train
Another Product of Wicca Affirmative Action
Substitute teacher: Ummm, you in the back -- yeah -- what are you doing?
Student, formerly mumbling and waving arms: Oh, just casting a spell.
--Hunter
It's Like The Island Of Dr. Moreau Out There
Girl #1: Well, you and she have the same taste in men.
Girl #2: Hmmm... That could be bad with y'all bein' roommates and all.
Girl #3: Eh, not really, because she likes Long Island boys, and I find them repugnant.
--11th & University
Overheard by: eloise in heels
Which Originated on Easter Island
HS girl #1: What's that Friday right before Easter? I think it's Passover, right?
HS girl #2: Yo, you know Easter was created by the Easter Orthodox Church?
--M train, Williamsburg Bridge
Overheard by: Tito
They'll Have Their Own Reality Series within a Week
Girl #1: Okay, let's go around the table and tell horrible hook-up stories.
Girl #2: Can anything top the time I woke up stark-naked in London after a night partying in New York?
Girl #3: No one can top that. Unless you consider the time I stole a guy's car in the middle of the night so I wouldn't have to do the walk of shame.
Girl #4: Don't forget the part where you wrecked it and went to jail...
--Spice Market, 13th & 9th
Overheard by: Jess
I'd Blow Up a Bridge, Too, after Listening to Yorke's Solo Album
Black teen girl to friends refusing to get on train: Why you gotta be so stupid? Get on the damn train!
Black teen guy: They gonna just stand there like that? Let the train go!
Black teen girl: Bitch said she thought that guy's gonna blow up the train [points to gloomy white kid in RadioHead shirt].
Black teen guy: What?! Why you gotta say that when we goin' over the bridge?!
--Brooklyn-bound J train
Overheard by: cp
Getting Cooler
Teen: Oh my god! You're sooo cool.
12-year-old ghetto kid, throwing snappers at him: Fuck you, cracka!
--President St, Park Slope
Overheard by: Lucian
On Her Back
Girl #1: She's really hairy, like no one else.
Girl #2: Yeah, I know what you mean -- in a cute way.
Girl #1: She does the bows and barrettes all the time...
--M34 Crosstown bus
Lady, All I Asked You Was, "Which Way Is Uptown?"
Distraught girl: Is there an 'I' in 'relationship'?
Guy: [Silence.]
Distraught girl: Well, is there?!
Guy: Um... There's two, actually...
Distraught girl: God... You're so selfish! You just don't understand me.!
--Brother Jimmy's, 92nd & 3rd
Overheard by: issheaskinghimthis?
Why Old Friends Are So Important
Tourist lady #1, about Barbara Walters nearby: Wow. She looks young.
Tourist lady #2: Please -- she's got makeup on.
--47th & 8th
Overheard by: Dan
It's Vital to Show Them Who's the Master
Tween girl: Hey, these are cool...
Teen girl, gasping in horror: You never say that to shoes!
--Shoe store, 80th & Columbus
But Not Self-Consciously So
Girl: I still don't understand the definition of emo.
Boy: It's more emotional than other music.
Girl: Oh, please, everything is emotional. My face? Emotional.
--27th & 3rd
Overheard by: A. Pincus
No, Thanks -- I Had a Big Lunch
Excited suit: ... So it was like 'Bang, bang, bang!' A whole gang of managers was driving the stock down!
60-something suit: Hmmm. Gangbang?
--200 Park Ave
Overheard by: Can't Believe I Butt Her
Open-Toed Sandals Don't Make 'Em Cream Like They Used To
Hot straight guy #1: Geez, what size shoes do you wear, dude?
Hot straight guy #2: They're size fourteen.
Hot straight guy #1: And how tall are you?
Hot straight guy #2: Oh, I'm 6'1".
Hot straight guy #1: Damn, dude -- you must have a huge cock!
Queer: Dude...
Hot straight guy #2: Man, I thought you were gonna say what I always hear -- 'Dude, big feet -- you know what that means? Big shoes!' I hear that all the time.
Hot straight guy #1: I know, right?
Hot straight guy #2: I like to say, 'Yeah, it means a big cock, right?' but that always leads to an awkward silence. I applaud you for coming right out with that.
Queer: Um...
Hot straight guy #1: Yeah, I left my shoes at my girlfriend's the other day, and her mom made a comment on them -- 'Big shoes...' I mean, her mom!
Hot straight guy #2: That's crazy.
Queer: Guys, look -- unless you're gonna whip 'em out, can we stop talking about your gigantic cocks, please?
--1166 6th Ave
Overheard by: Duncan Pflaster
And Stop Fondling Yourself
PA announcement: Passengers with over-sized packages must check them at the end of the jetway.
Traveling dude #1: I have an over-sized package... But I can't check it, baby! Woo-hoo!
Traveling dude #2: You're a jackass.
--LaGuardia
Overheard by: octoserge
Most of Them, Anyway
Professor: All the students in the classroom are all the same -- no one moves out of their little box.
Blonde: Everyone is the same unless they are different, except that they are the same.
--Modern Lit. Class, NYU
Overheard by: Brenda
Is This Possible? On the Next Mythbusters...
Guy #1: So... You're saying you got herpes?
Guy #2: That's what I'm sayin'! I ain't even messed around or nothin'!
--Penn Station
Fine, I'll Count My Blessings. Whatever.
Woman receiving massage: Do you fix a broken heart?
Chinese masseuse: What? What you say. Heart? Pain? Heart not good?
Woman: I said, do you fix a broken heart?
Chinese masseuse: Hmmm... You heart is good! No bad! No worry! You healthy -- very, very good!
Woman: Oh... Good...
--Massage parlor, Mott St
White People: When You Guys Figure It Out, Let Us Know
Black teen #1: Word up, nigga.
Older black man: No, no, no, sister. Don't use the N-word. Please. Anything but that. Show some respect for your sisters and brothers.
Black teen #2: Fuck you, nigga! You're not my father!
--B train
Overheard by: PDJ
You Won't Get a Lot of Hits -- Unless You Ask
Sales guy: Are you going to Google me?
Queer: I don't know, are you Google-able?
--Saks Fifth Avenue
Kids Know Something Adults Usually Forget
Little boy, pointing at two midget passersby: Whoa! Mom, look! That is so cool!
Midgets: Haha, dude, that little boy is awesome!
--1221 Rockefeller Center
Overheard by: Sellout In A Suit
Nice Hat, Though
Preppy guy #1: Oh, man, I can't believe you. You're just such a... a gay cowboy.
Preppy guy #2: Haha, Brian's* not a cowboy.
Brian*: Oh, thanks, dude. Thanks.
--Macy's
Overheard by: greg
There'll Be No "Expiation" Tonight, If You Get My Drift
Drunk: See, my wife's from Portugal and I'm from Italy -- I want my reparations tonight!
Wife: Not at this rate.
Drunk: Oh, I am so sleeping on the couch tonight.
--Penn Station
Overheard by: Marilyn
But distantly enough that scoring a Wendy's employee is a toss-up.
Employee: That'll be $2.79
Customer who ordered Hi-C and fries: Why wasn't the Hi-C 99 cents?
Employee: You didn't ask for the 99-cent one.
Customer: Well, I want the 99-cent one. I'm not Sean John... I look like Sean John... I'm related to Sean John.
--Wendy's, 56th & 8th
Well, What Do I Know about Foreign Capitals?
Hipster boy: That's why they call this the windy city?
Hipster girl: This isn't the windy city -- that's Seattle!
--PATH train, E 9th St
Overheard by: POOP!
Been Propping My Ass Up with 'Em for Years
Guy, during pillow fight: I'm afraid my pillow has all these STDs now!
Girl: Hellooo, you can't transmit STDs pillow-to-pillow!
--Union Square
At Least They're in Favor of Painful Ass Sex
Queer: So, I guess I'm officially part of the Bank of America family now, but I don't really feel like I am.
Fag hag: What do you mean?
Queer: It's like my mom married into it, and now I'm the Bank of America's ignored stepchild.
--Fordham University
Trouble Brewing
Dad in suit: Your grandfather said that you and your sister are just delicious.
Adorable moppet girl: Oh, Daddy, that's silly. I'm not delicious!
Dad in suit: What are you, then?
Adorable moppet girl: I'm cute.
--M101 bus
Overheard by: bemused
Mommy Worked for the Treasury Department in the '80s
Little girl eying food at counter: Mommy, how much is a dollar?
Absent-minded mother: Thirty-six cents.
--LaGuardia
Got No Knowledge to Keep Me Warm
Girl #1: Did you hear Bush's speech thing last night?
Girl #2: No...
Girl #3: Hmmm, no... Wait, is Citibank a real bank?
Girl #2: Actually, I don't know [giggles]... Should we stop by Abercrombie?
Girl #1: I'm freezing!
--54th & 5th
Overheard by: dale
We Call Our Act "The Aristocrats"
Four-year-old kid, picking nose: Mom! Mom! [Kid holds out booger.]
Mom: Where the fuck did you get that? Your nose? What the fuck do I want that for?
Four-year-old kid: Ummm...
Mom: That's fucking gross! Drop that shit! [Mom grabs kid's wrist and shakes vigorously until booger is dropped.] Now, give me a chip! [Kid gives mom a chip with booger hand.]
--A train
Overheard by: Adam Tetzloff
Been Eye-Fucking for Years, Babe
Upset girlfriend, hitting boyfriend: Look at you! There you go again!
Boyfriend, caught looking: What?! She was looking at me.
Girlfriend: How you know? How you know?!
--Court Square
Overheard by: Running Late
I Wanna Talk about the Girl in My Building
Guy #1: Dude, you know what I realized? I really miss Allison*.
Guy #2: Yeah?
Guy #1: Yeah. Like, we talk on IM, but I haven't seen her since the summer, and I was just such a dick at the end, y'know?
Guy #2: Yeah...
Guy #1: I told her we should hang out over break.
Guy #2: Yeah... You wanna get a beer?
Guy #1: Are you even listening?
Guy #2: Yeah. Hey, you want Thai?
Guy #1: Unbelievable. Next time you come crying to me about how the girl in your building has a boyfriend, I'm gonna hang up on you.
Guy #1: This might be the gayest conversation we've ever had.
Guy #2: Agreed. Can we go Saki-bombing?
--49th St
If Rosa Parks Had Been a Latina
Conductor, as lady's bag keeps catching on door: One woman is single-handedly holding up the entire New York City transit system.
--F train
Headline by: Tad Allagash
Runners-Up:
· "Atlas Shopped" - Rosie
· "More Specifically: One Poor, Tattered Pomeranian Is Single-handedly Holding Up the Entire New York City Transit System." - criffer
· "Not True- There's a Hobo Asleep On The Tracks 3 Stops Ahead" - Dangello
· "Passengers: (Continued Indifference)" - Chuckles
· "Then the Lord God Said to the Woman, "What Is This You Have Done?"" - amanda p.
Click here to see the new Headline Contest
Also "Burn Things"
Young man, about entirely light-blue painting behind glass: What is this? What the heck is this, anyway?
Mother: It's saying something.
Young man: What's it saying?
Mother: It's saying, 'I'm an extra mirror. I'm here if you need me.'
--Contemporary Art section, MoMA
Grandma's Always Thinking Ahead
Black guy: Excuse me, brotha, may I borrow your phone for two minutes?
Old man: Sure.
Black guy, on phone: Wassup, baby? I'm on the line for the liquor store right now... What the fuck you mean 'What line'? The line to get into the fuckin' liquor store! ... I said, the fuckin' line fo' the fuckin' liquor store! You fuckin' retarded? I said the fuckin'-- Oh, okay. [Hangs up, handing the phone back] She already got the liquor!
--Outside liquor store, Webster Ave
I Trust You'll Be Marrying My Sister
Thug #1 seeing thugette across the intersection: Oh, shit! That bitch sucked my dick!
Thug #2, yelling across street: Nice job, Lacy!
--32nd & 7th
Wednesday One-Liners Have Their Lawyers on Speed-Dial
Old man on cell: Oh, God, I was drunk out of my mind. I was drunk, drunk, drunk... Yeah, I was so drunk I don't even remember being arrested. I woke up and I was like, 'Where the fuck am I?'
--Washington Square Park
Buff black guy to small black guy: Maybe you should go to jail to get your weight up.
--153rd & Edgecombe
Overheard by: DaHustler
Guy on bench to friend: There is no way you're not going to jail tonight.
--Outside Whole Foods
Overheard by: Big Apple repeat offender - just visiting
Tough guy on cell: Man, what are you worried about? So what if they brought you in? It's not assault if you didn't use a weapon, right?
--Brooklyn
Overheard by: Chicagoan in NY for first time
Guy on cell: That would have been worse! Then I would have been resisting arrest at a black tie event!
--35th St, between 8th & 9th Ave
Overheard by: Jason
One Flew Over the Wednesday One-Liner's Nest
Teen: I just like popcorn, cake, and Pepsi, so my mind's going crazy and I shake a lot...
--Chipotle, 33rd & 5th
Crazy girl on cell: ... So he tells me I'm crazy. I'm not crazy! Why does he think I'm crazy?! There is no way I'm crazy! He's crazy for thinking that!
--33rd & 6th
Angry black woman: Why are they taking pictures of the crazy man? Goddamn tourists! God damn them all!
--1 train station, Christopher St
Overheard by: Rose Fox
Tourist woman: I think the only people that speak English here are the crazy people screaming obscenities on the streets.
--Mulberry & Broome
Chick on cell: Then again, who am I to talk about being crazy? I have a clove of garlic in my cooch!
--113th & Broadway
Overheard by: McFreaky
The Happiest Wednesday One-Liners on Earth
Blonde: At least if I die on the tram I won't have to go to Disney World.
--Tram from Roosevelt Island
Overheard by: Laura
Woman on cell: That's kind of surreal to go from Disneyland to Scientologists.
--53rd & 5th
Middle-aged nerd, pointing to the Cyclone: I've ridden it over a hundred times, and every time the whole time I'm like this [puts both arms up over head]. It's considered, you know, the cool, fun way to ride if you can do it the whole time. Most people can't.
--Coney Island
Overheard by: Ace Montana
Old guy to two others: Over there is Brooklyn. Coney Island is there. It's just like a Spanish Disney World.
--Vandam St & 6th Ave
Overheard by: Katie Dearest
Queer: So last night, me and my friend were being all catty and talking about our friend who got a really good job... I was really jealous and pissed, but then I realized -- she may have an awesome job, but she's never been to Disney World. Then I felt better about the whole situation.
--NYU
Overheard by: Does Six Flags count?
Wednesday One-Liners Taste the Rainbow
Seven-year-old, looking around: Mommy, is this a gay place?
--Columbus Circle Mall
Deadpan guy: Just for future reference, when you have gay sex in a bathroom stall, you might wanna put paper bags over your feet so people don't see two pairs of male feet under the door and catch on... I'm just saying.
--Wagner College
Overheard by: Zabet
Fat chick: Gay sex makes everything better.
--Nederlander Theatre
Scruffy college student to friend: So, I told my parents I was gay... Then they told me I was adopted.
--Starbucks
Overheard by: ramona
Old Asian woman, smiling after reading tabloid cover: He is not gay!
--Barnes & Noble, 18th & 5th
Overheard by: I still think he is :-/, BiTCHESSSS!!
Wednesday One-Liners Would Never Call It "Vay-Kay"
Dude: Maybe I'll just go on vacation with my left hand.
--67th & Columbus
Overheard by: Meli
Teen tourist on cell: I'm on vacation -- I'm allowed to be a slut!
--Times Square
Trinidadian conductor on PA: This is Broadway-Nassau/Fulton Street. Transfer on the upper level for 2-3-4-5, J, M and Z... And please keep in mind that this time tomorrow, I'll be landin' in Trinidad in the sun, hahaha!
--A train
Overheard by: Russ Wall
Conductor: Just remember that on Sunday, I'll be on my way to Acapulco! Ho, ho, ho! Did you ever see Santa in short pants and a t-shirt?
--A train
Overheard by: amc
Girl to friends: Yeah, so, you know how I was obsessed with my ex, right? So, he totally doesn't know this, but one time when he was on vacation with his family, I broke into his house, looked through all his stuff for like three hours, and then took a huge dump in his parents' bathroom and peaced.
--Grand Central
Worker to another: Wear something non-flammable when you go on vacation.
--Tiffany & Co.
The Jabberwocky's Wednesday One-Liners
20-ish guy to friends: Talk about sweat -- I never swat so much in my life!
--Bleecker & MacDougal
Blonde: I'm not a naysayer! I'm not! I'm a yes-sayer... An ambiguous answer-sayer...
--Union Square
Overheard by: Confabulation Nation
Bimbette: Oh my god, I was dramatized! I couldn't even look at him.
--Staten Island Ferry
Suit: I just walked into Barnes and Nizzle to take a wizzle.
--Barnes & Noble, 22nd St
Guy to friend: If the Yankees win the first two, it'll be a swept.
--Rockefeller Center
Paint department clerk to customer: Do you want interior or outerior?
--Home Depot, Brooklyn
Supermarket cashier: I was actually valedictorian in high school, and I wore four-inch heels to graduation. And surprise, surprise -- I falled.
--Greenpoint, Brooklyn
Wednesday's Too Sexy for Its One-Liners
Thug: Yo, baby! You so sexy! You look just like Ugly Betty!
--26th & Lex
Overheard by: Myrtle
Wandering popcorn vendor : Popcorn! Get your sexy popcorn here!
--Shea Stadium
Overheard by: Mets Fan
Ghetto mom to young sons: Where my sexy glasses at?!
--W 96th St & Central Park West
Overheard by: Megan W.
Teen thugette: You know who sexy? Mickey Mouse. That nigga sexy!
--Q11 bus, Queens
Jogger: I'm checking out my shadow to see how long my hair is in the back -- it's fuckin' sexy!
--Central Park
Man: I love sexy cheese. I love sexy cheese!
--Outside Fordham University
Overheard by: ...sexy cheese?
Wednesday One-Liners: The Musical
Crackhead singing to another: You don't bring me flowerrrs anymorrre.
--Starbucks, W 4th & Grove
Drunk guy crossing street: No touching, ladies... I'm saving myself for divorce. [Sings] Iii'm saving myself for divorrrce!
--36th & Broadway
Conductor: Next stop, New York, New York. [Singing] New York, New York, oh what a beautiful city -- New York, New York! [Speaking normally] Penn Station is next, folks.
--NJ Transit
Man running down subway stairwell, singing: At least it's snowing!
--79th & Broadway
Overheard by: it wasn't snowing
Girl, singing: I love tweeeed!
--Century 21
Man on bus, singing: I want a vagina for Christmas.
--92nd & 3rd
Brunette, singing: You put the sushi in your coochie and you turn yourself around -- that's what it's all about!
--Morningside Heights
Overheard by: Ladle