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President: Aren't Those Weapons of Mass Destruction in Iraq?
Girl #1: Oh my god, that kid's head is stuck between the bars! [Entire bus crowd looks as kid pulls head out.]
Girl #2: His head wasn't stuck.
Boy: Oh my god, is that Hugh Jackman? [Entire bus crowd looks.]
--Bus outside the Met
How to Get Some Personal Space on a Crowded Train
Man: Oh, your dog is so cute. Is that a Yorkie?
Woman: Oh, yeah, it is. His name is Lucky. I've had him for a looong time.
Crazy man nearby: Lucky... I stabbed a guy named Lucky 20 years ago. Not so lucky.
--1 train
Overheard by: andy
That's What My Doctor Said
Young queer #1: I'm getting my tonsils out the day after next.
Young queer #2: Girlfriend, you'd better suck some dicks before then!
--14th & 8th
That's the Beauty of Keeping Everclear in the Supply Room
Lady suit: Did you bring that from the office?
Suit #1, holding up expensive pen: Oh, yeah, to look official. You know, for self-importance.
Suit #2: Yeah, self-esteem has been bad this week.
Lady suit: I think we need to go out drinking.
--Starbucks, 21st & 5th
Overheard by: maybe they could order a coffee liquer?
I Agree. How Is That Relevant?
Guy #1: That fucking redhead bitch. I told you, man -- those redheads are all the same.
Guy #2: Whoa, dude, I know you're upset, but racism is not cool.
--57th & Park
Overheard by: rarrw
I Was Just Testing You
Girl #1: Doesn't it turn you on when two guys kiss?
Girl #2: Um... No... Not really...
Girl #1: ... Oh, yeah... Me neither...
--6 train
NewsFlash: New Yorker Has Principles. Film at 11.
Dreadlocked whitey on bike runs red light, almost getting struck by SUV.
Dreadlocked whitey: Hey! You almost hit me! Why don't you watch where you're going in that thing?!
Girl in SUV, out window: Jerkoff, you just went through a red light! I should have run you over on principle.
--34th & 3rd
Overheard by: Just trying to cross the street
I Really Hope the Word "Home" Was at the End of That
Queer #1: You did such a good job of shaving my balls!
Queer #2: You're going to have to do mine again -- they're all spiky again.
Queer #1: O-M-G -- I'll have to do it as soon as we get home so we have enough time to bang before your parents come!
--Central Park
Overheard by: brunette teen
Giraffe-Americans Often Encounter Discrimination at Work
Black woman #1: Who's that big girl in your store?
Black woman #2: [Laughs.]
Black woman #1: She is really big! And she looks young, too.
Black woman #2: [Nods head.]
Black woman #1: How old is she?
Black woman #2: Twenty-two.
Black woman #1: Get the fuck outta here! She is too big. She needs a transplant or something.
--L train
Overheard by: John
I Can Never Find Waldo
Girl #1: Eh, let's get out of here. [They leave right after walking in.]
Girl #2: I hate books.
Girl #1: Yeah, me too.
--St. Mark's Book Shop
Her Fault for Having Sex with the Drill Team
Black girl: Antoine got married, I heard.
Black dude: Yo, his wife is that bitch we menage à trois-ed, like, last year. He knew what we did to that girl, and he still married her and had a kid with her.
Black girl: That's crazy.
Black dude: See this Swiss cheese? We put holes in that girl.
--Blimpie, 23rd & 6th
I See We Have Much to Discuss
Guy on date: So, are you really a Mormon?
Girl on date: Yeah.
Guy on date: Does that mean you don't have sex?
Girl on date: Well, not vaginally.
--Mulberry & Grand
Air Conditioning's Another Way to Tell Who's American
Indian man #1: When he got back, he locked himself in the air-conditioned room and wouldn't come out.
Indian man #2, shaking head: Wouldn't come out.
--Indian restaurant, Kew Gardens
Overheard by: Charlie B
This Marriage Is Over
Chick: It's like that movie -- what's it called?
Dude: Stand by Me?
Chick: No, Gummo.
--Staten Island
Overheard by: Same thing
But You Know "Annotated Bibliography"?
Student #1: I finally finished that annotated bibliography.
Student #2: Oh, that's not due until Thursday.
Student #1: Thursday?
Student #2: Yeah, didn't you get the e-mail?
Student #1: E-mail?!
Student #2: Well, it was mentioned in class on Tuesday.
Student #1: Class?!
--NYU
"Kobe" Something?
Girl #1: So, I just met this guy... And we, like, totally connected! I mean, I could tell him everything, and it felt like we belonged together, you know?
Girl #2: Dude... You're 14 -- you're not supposed to find a guy that's husband material! Get a grip! By the way, what's his name?
Girl #1: [Silence.]
--UES
Overheard by: Lina
He's Baaaack!
Strange guy: Excuse me, NYU students?
Guy #1: Yeah?
Strange guy: I'm your biggest rival.
Guy #1: Huh?
Strange guy: Columbia. Law school. I'm coming for you.
Guy #1: Okay...
Strange guy: Employer sees résumé from NYU, résumé from Columbia, always picks Columbia.
Guy #1: Okay. Have a nice day.
Strange guy: I'm coming for you, trust fund baby.
Guy #2: I'm sure that Columbia résumé makes up for not having a penis...
Guy #1: Trust fund baby?
Strange guy: Columbia. [Flicks them off and leaves.]
--Starbucks, Astor Pl & Lafayette
Overheard by: NYU Student
NewsFlash: Girl Drowns in Midtown Traffic Jam
Girl #1: Ugh, I hate Honda Elements. They're so ugly!
Girl #2: Yeah, but did you know that you could, like, fill the whole thing with water and it would still run perfectly?
Girl #1: Why would you want to do that?
Girl #2: I don't know... But you could!
--W 42nd & Broadway
At Least Charge for It, Sweetie.
Mother: Don't sit like that! You don't want people see your you-know-what parts!
Four-year-old daughter sitting Indian-style: But I wanna!
--13th & 8th, Park Slope
Overheard by: person
Bad Food, Good Sex
Girl #1, waving: Hey! There you are!
Girl #2: Hello! How are you?
Girl #1: Hi! So, how was jail?
--12th & Broadway
Overheard by: brigdh
Eh, I Just Don't Feel Like a "Lenny"
Receptionist #1: If you got married, would you change your name?
Receptionist #2: Yeah.
Receptionist #1: To his?
--Doctor's office, W 58th St
Overheard by: Russ Wall
President of the David Hasselhoff Fan Club, Anyway
Ragged man: You know, the president wears suits like these.
Employee: Oh, really? How do you know?
Ragged man: That doesn't matter, but I do know that the Secret Service is just a tailoring shop that makes the president's clothes.
Employee: I see... How do you know that?
Ragged man: I used to be the president!
--55th & Madison
Nah, It's Just America
Black fashionista #1, about nearby pick-up truck's radio: What the hell kind of music is that?
Black fashionista #2: Uh, I think it's country or some shit.
Black fashionista #3: Wait -- is he black?!
Black fashionista #1: Oh, that is just wrong!
--97th & CPW
Overheard by: genre reassigning surgery
Look, That Hobo's Fertilizing It!
Girl #1: There it is.
Girl #2: Aw. I thought Madison Square Garden was supposed to be... a garden.
--34th & 7th
Maybe the Wizard Will Give Me Some Balls So I Never Have to Come Back
Wife: Okay, so he said a right, and then a left at flatware...
Husband: And then follow the yellow brick road?
--Bed, Bath & Beyond, Chelsea
Overheard by: jackattack
He Prefers You Barefoot and Pregnant
Hardhat #1: God don't care if you wearin' a choir robe.
Hardhat #2: Tha's right.
Hardhat #1: God don't care if you dressed like a priest.
Hardhat #2: Tha's right.
Hardhat #1: Because God don't care how you dressed.
--97th & Riverside Dr
Headline by: 6th Floor Blogger
Runners-Up:
· "God Would Prefer That You Remove the Ball-Gag During Communion" - dan
· "That's Right. But Could You Please Put on Some Pants?" - Babakganoosh
· "The Undiscovered 11th Commandment: Thou Shalt Not Wear Crocs" - Meg
· "To Sum Up: God Loves Strippers." - RaindanceRichard
Click here to see the new Headline Contest
Guess You Win
Lady #1: Hey, Bonnie.
Lady #2: Hi, how are you?
Lady #1: I don't know... One of my nurses quit today.
Lady #2: I was arrested yesterday.
--Elevator near Union Square
While Taking It Up the Ass?
Hipster guy: Yeah, like I'm gonna go see that queer Jersey Boys shit.
Hipster girl: Is there anything you would go see?
Hipster guy: No. Not some faggot-ass musical... Well, I might see Mary Poppins.
--1 train, 59th St
The Sirens Try to Lure Odysseus onto the Rocks
Friend #1, to singing friend: Can you just, shhh?
Friend #2: What? Am I embarrassing you or something? Is there a boy on this train you think is cute or something?
Friend #1: Just this hot one standing in front of me.
--F train
Life, Liberty and the Pursuit of Wednesday One-Liners
Conductor: We will soon arrive in Penn Station, the happiest place on Earth. Penn Station is next.
--LIRR
Overheard by: MineolaBoy
Boyfriend to girlfriend: Let's go be happy in front of miserable people!
--49th & 8th
Overheard by: Ashley
Hot chick on cell to girlfriend: I am really happy that she is now dating Greg... I am over him... But I am cuter than her!
--X28 Express Bus to Bensonhurst, Brooklyn
Overheard by: PDG
Middle-aged woman: Listen, I don't need no husband. You see how happy I am? It's because I have two cats and a vegetable crisper. I don't need no freakin' husband!
--Hair salon, East Village
Overheard by: edensnake
Security guard frowning at metal detector: This is my happy face.
--Empire State Building
Overheard by: rage gage
Wednesday One-Liners Will Do Anything but the Macarena
Hipster girl: I didn't do too much... I had a dance-off with a shark...
--East Village
Overheard by: hoping she won
Conductor: No train Hokey Pokey! Either you're in or you're out!
--7 train, Grand Central
Overheard by: 7 train day tornado hit brooklyn
40-ish blonde on cell: So, he thought it was going to be more than a dinner date. That prick wanted to bang me after dinner. I just wanted a dance partner I could throw away at the end of the night.
--39th & 3rd
Overheard by: Mark
Street performer, to crowd: Get closer -- we don't have weapons... Don't be scared, it's just black guys dancing!
--New York Public Library
Guy to female passersby, about Chuck Taylors: My grandmother had a pair of those shoes. She used to breakdance with a wooden leg.
--Paul Ave, Bronx
Overheard by: Lillian
Slow: Wednesday One-Liner-Xing
Mom to seven-year-old crossing street: Be careful, dear. You don't want to get run over or we can't have sushi.
--78th & Amsterdam
Cute girl halting before crossing into oncoming traffic: Okay, perhaps we should not die today.
--42nd & 8th
Overheard by: Traffic
Father to son running towards intersection: Remember! A foot in the street means a foot in your ass!
--57th & 4th, Bay Ridge, Brooklyn
Chick zig-zagging across street: I just cannot get down with manholes! Scary, scary manholes. I try to avoid them at all costs.
--83rd & Broadway
Bored cop on megaphone: Please walk on the sidewalk. Stop walking in the middle of the street... Stop walking in the middle of the street. Use the sidewalks... See how you're on the black pavement? You want to be on concrete. See the cars trying to run you over? That's 'vehicular traffic.' Get out of its way.
--Next to Radio City Music Hall
Boyfriend following jaywalking girlfriend: That's illegal. [She ignores him.] That's illegal!
--6th & 4th, Park Slope
Wednesday One-Liners Reach Out and Touch Someone
Hot chick: My phone has finally learned to spell 'cock' and 'anal'! I'm so proud!
--King's Head Tavern, 14th St
Overheard by: Argopelter
Girl on cell: Listen, you in Rikers -- you lucky you ain't get three years! ... And you stayin' there, 'cause I ain't bailin' you out... Oh, whatever -- if I didn't care about you, I wouldn't be usin' my daytime minutes.
--W train, Astoria, Queens
Overheard by: Juan Moment
Chick on cell: I am your phone sex Yoda! Come, my young padawan! Come!
--Steinway & Ditmars
Overheard by: using the force
Cross-eyed JAP on cell: No, seriously, it's not my phone. I think there's something wrong with my chin.
--Times Square
Overheard by: NathAnonymous
Are Your Wednesday One-Liners Tingling?
Professor: So, let's return to the topic of male nipples for a moment.
--Sophomore seminar, Bard High School Early College
JAP on cell: ... So I picked up and was like, 'Hello?' and she was all, 'Come on, we're going to get our nipples pierced.' And I was like, 'Oh. Um, okay.'
--49th & 7th
Biker chick: You don't understand! You don't understand that I can't feel my nipples right now!
--St. Mark's & 3rd
Overheard by: Gemma
Tough guy to another: We all bang. We love each other. So what if I pinched your nipples?! What's the big deal? I pinched your nipples!
--Port Authority
Overheard by: Jim Conroy
Girl on cell: At the gallery, a woman offered me her nipple covers. She was like, 'Hey, do you want my nipple covers?' ... Yeah, it's been that kind of day.
--Stuyvesant Town
Shake That Wednesday One-Liner! Watch Yo'self!
Ghetto girl to booty-smacking friends who knocked into passerby: Damn, girl! See what happens when you got a big ass? Innocent bystanders get hit!
--7 train
Overheard by: bill R
Young guy: I don't know names, I just know booties and faces.
--11th St Pier
Truck driver to old lady standing off curb: Back that ass up!
--Houston & Broadway
Overheard by: Christine
Hobo to girl in striped spandex leggings: Ummm... Um, that's some ass. I wish I could develop lockjaw and never let go!
--E 5th St, between 1st & 2nd
Middle-aged guy: ... And so she's like, 'Why do you want a house in the Hamptons when you have a house in the city?' Why? Because I can't look at fine ass in the city.
--Chinatown
Overheard by: Rosie
Decent, Churchgoing Wednesday One-Liners
Girl on phone: Look, motherfucker -- I'll wear what I want to church on Sunday.
--Restaurant, 46th St
Black woman: Yeah, chips and soda for a dollar! That's one church I won't go back to.
--F train
Overheard by: Kevin Z
Guy on cell: I don't need to fucking hear that at home! That's what I've got church for!
--Broome & Allen
Mother to small daughter outside St. Patrick's: Stop crying -- I know it looks more like a haunted house than a church.
--St. Patrick's Cathedral, 5th Ave
Black dude: Nigga, nuns ain't real.
--Union Square
Overheard by: Gabriel
The Rich Get Richer While the Poor Get Wednesday One-Liners
NYU fashionista: Oh my god -- I am, like, so poor that my parents might sell my horse!
--Washington Square Park
Hipster girl: He grew up in a neighborhood so poor his purebred dog got stolen!
--Williamsburg, Brooklyn
Confused hippie: Wait, Mexicans carry Louis Vuitton bags? I thought that they were poor. Isn't that why we're supposed to feel sorry for them?
--Alligator Lounge, Williamsburg, Brooklyn
Salvation Army bell ringer: Donate money for the poor! Do something good for once in your life!
--5th Ave
Overheard by: Katrina
Lady in fur coat to friend without one: Just go to Mexico -- you won't feel so poor there.
--Leaving Henri Bendel, 5th Ave
Counterfeit Wednesday One-Liners
Tourist on cell: So, what do you want me to bring you back from NYC? A fake Louis Vuitton bag? Or fake Chanel perfume?
--57th & 7th
Bimbette: I just don't have the energy to have a fake conversation.
--LIRR
Overheard by: tired
Large black man laughing to self: They thought I was a fake doughnut.
--1 train
Overheard by: Craig
Offended girl: Look at this fake snow! It mocks us! Fuck you, fake snow!
--Houston & Bowery
Overheard by: In complete agreement
Under the Influence of Wednesday One-Liners
Drunk Santa to drunk female Santa: I didn't know what to do! I don't know anything about kids!
--Rockefeller Center
Overheard by: James
Tipsy LI teen to friend buying LIRR ticket: Is the machine gonna give you a bunch of Sacajaweas? ... Dude... Sack-a-ja-wee-wee! She's gonna be all up in your piece!
--LIRR
Overheard by: pri
Drunk girl sobbing to another: You're my opposite! You're my everything!
--Sala One Nine
Overheard by: And I'm in the fifth dimension...
Drunk man: My penis can touch my asshole!
--12th & 3rd
Drunk girl: You know what would be really weird and sort of pointless? A life-size map.
--12th & 2nd
Drunk white guy to passerby: He act like is my fault that I'm drunk.
--39th & 8th
Overheard by: How odd is that
Suitable Wednesday One-Liners
Handsome suit: He can totally clean my gutters anytime. He's got the whole package.
--Exiting Sheraton hotel, 7th Ave
Suit on cell: It's when someone urinates on you...
--19th & 7th
Overheard by: Golden Slumbers
Suit: No one ever wants any of my gum. It's not poisoned! I might put something in your drink at a bar, though.
--A train
Overheard by: emilyc
Suit to another: That's because all you eat is fully-cooked, non-contaminated food. I'm not saying there's anything wrong with it...
--24th & 6th
Overheard by: Angi
Suit holding sexual harassment pamphlet, to HR department: I have conquered sexual harassment!
--102nd St
Overheard by: da sarkastik ninja.
The Public Immodesty of Wednesday One-Liners
Teen girl on cell: Yeah, I mean, I totally don't get what your mom's problem is. I mean, it covers your vagina!
--109th & CPW
Overheard by: Harris Mercer
NYU girl: I wore this to a party the other night, and I thought, 'Slut, slut slut.' But then I looked around...
--W 4th & MacDougal
Overheard by: Martin Johnson
Fat Caribbean woman to another: Oh, girls' skirts today! My daughter -- her skirt was so short you could see what she had for breakfast, lunch, and dinner!
--5 train
B&T girl to another: Now I have to go home and pick out an outfit to cheat on my boyfriend with for tomorrow night.
--14th & 9th
Overheard by: DocThomp
Teen girl on cell: ... Something slutty. ... What are you going to wear?
--Union Square Holiday Market
Overheard by: Sarah Booz
And by "Do" I Mean "Steal Your Money and Jerk Off on Your Shoe"
Girl to friend: Fucking prick!
Hobo: Girl, you nasty. You nasty, but I'd still do ya.
--6 train platform, 33rd St
I Am Filled with a Vague Apprehension
Vendor: Who wants to buy a ticket for a comedy show? You! Do you want tickets to a comedy show?
Man: No.
Vendor: Why not?
Man: I'm going out of town right now. We're on our way to Penn Station.
Vendor: I'm going to tackle you later.
--43rd & Broadway
Overheard by: Kapotskie
What's the Point of Even Going There If We Have to Behave?
Guido teen #1: I'm serious, you do not want to go to jail in Europe!
Guido teen #2: For reals -- they're, like, mad strict over there...
Guido teen #1: Damn...
--42nd St, Astoria
Thank God for Stellated Dodecahedrons
Guy #1: I hate it.
Guy #2: You hate circles, too.
Guy #1: Yeah, but circles suck.
--NYU
Overheard by: sunwonbay
So Stop Struggling against the Handcuffs
Son: Why you doin' that?
Father: I am your father. It's my job.
Son: No, it's not.
Father: But I'm enjoying what I'm doing.
--1 train, Chamber St
Why an Ivy League Education Costs Extra
Professor, as a cellphone rings in class: You can e-mail me and I can send you different bird calls for your ringtones. You can assign all your friends different bird calls! That's just like what I have, except I have frogs.
Student: She's not kidding...
--Columbia University
Overheard by: Mo + J Beck
And Now the Coffee Table Is All Wobbly Again
Girl: Why do you want that?
Friend, holding Showgirls: Because Michael got our copy in the divorce.
--Virgin Megastore
Overheard by: Ben Knees
The Tongue in Your Ear Is All Part of the Experience
Professor: You should really consider going to Europe. It may be boring, but it's cheap!
Ghetto girl in back: Fuck that shit! I'd rather go to Disney!
Professor: Europe is actually less expensive to go to than Disney.
Ghetto girl: Yeah, but only if you stay in a brothel!
Ghetto boy: Don't you mean 'hostel'?
Ghetto girl: Same thing, right?
--Fordham University-Rose Hill
Overheard by: Megan
Totally Worth It
Guy #1, to friends: Okay, so I used to drive a Cadillac.
Guy #2, sitting nearby: Wait -- sorry, man, but I just had to interject when I heard you drove a Cadillac... That's awesome, dude. Those things are like fridges, man!
Guy #1: Man! Those things are like 12 fridges! That's like three fridges a wheel!
Guy #2: Yeah, man! That's how motherfuckers die!
--Hookah Café, the Village
Whereas Pennsylvania Has Lost Its Books
Chick: So, New York, huh?
Pierced hipster: Yeah... I wanna move back to Pennsylvania, though.
Chick: Oh my god! Why?
Pierced hipster: It's on the books here that everything you can do besides missionary position is illegal.
--4th St & Ave A
Hmm... Certainly Tastes Like Sperm
Chick #1: Where do you wanna go eat?
Chick #2, points at sidewalk: Look, a sperm!
Chick #1: That is not a sperm!
Chick #2: It is!
Chick #1: No, it's a tadpole!
--16th & 5th
Overheard by: Wow...
So, Yadda Yadda Yadda, I Got Expelled
Girl #1: There's this girl at school, and she told me to eat her face.
Girl #2: Is she crazy?!
Girl #1: No... But she has a big nose, so her face looks like a poodle.
--Grounded, Jane St
Overheard by: office peon
And a Nice Thermite Weave
Woman: Damn, girl, I wanna get a nice coffin, and I can't be all hanging out and shit.
Friend: That's so true! When I leave, I wanna leave with a bang. I'm gonna get my nails done, and my ears did...
--5 train
Overheard by: ears did?
And by "One More" I Mean "One"
Dude #1: Yeah, man, all we need to find now is one more hot chick who's willing to do all that, and our porno is set!
Dude #2: For sure, man.
--Central Park
Wooden Spoons! A Fire Hydrant! George Clooney!
Dude #1: ... Saddam?
Dude #2: Nah, crocodiles!
--Columbia University
Overheard by: Sully
Mr. Simpson Discovers His Raison D'Être
Tourist #1, pointing to doughnut: Is this any good? Does it taste like bread?
Tourist #2: It kind of tastes like a jelly-filled doughnut, but without the jelly.
Tourist #1: Oooh.
--Starbucks, 100 Williams St
Since I'm the Only One I'll Ever See Naked
Creepster harassing waitress: Are you, like, a biker chick? Is that why you're wearing leather? Is there a whip that goes with it? I'll tip extra if there is. [To buddies, minutes later] Yeah, so, I'm going to get nude pictures taken of myself.
--230 5th Ave
But He Has Become Invisible to Most People
Drunk hobo, singing: Put a little money in the hat!
Six-year-old boy to mom: Don't hats come with a bunny?
Mom: He asked for money, not a bunny. He's a panhandler, not a magician.
--Canal St station
Overheard by: Thumper
As Loud As Opera, but for No Apparent Reason
Teen boy: Mom, are you sure that woman isn't the same as the one in Phantom of the Opera?
Mom: I'm sure. It's a different actress.
Teen boy: Because it's that same loud-ass style of singing.
Mom: Broadway singing.
Teen boy: Yeah. Really loud-ass singing. I wonder where the school is for that.
--Tarzan intermission, Richard Rogers Theatre
Overheard by: I wondered that myself
The Bodies Exhibit?
Poli-sci professor: How can someone directly counteract the message of porn? What is the counter speech alternative?
Student: Seventh Heaven?
--NYU
Overheard by: Rajsingh Rules
So a State of Agony?
Bank teller: What state was your account opened in?
Customer: Brooklyn.
--59th & Lex
Overheard by: Captain Finance
Are What?
Guy selling umbrellas: Get your umbrellas! Two dollars! Get your umbrellas! Two dollars!
Customer: How much are they?
--7th Ave
Overheard by: Maggie
Headline by: waphle
Runners-Up:
· "I Mean, in Goats?" - jloubelle
· "That's Not "Ironic" Either, Alanis." - Janet
· "Tourists Aren't Just for Show" - should probably doing work
· "Your First Born...And An Hour With That Old Broad On Your Left" - ae
Click here to see the new Headline Contest
And He May Also Want to Have Sex with You
JAP #1: So, Brian was flirting with me all day yesterday.
JAP #2: Oh my god, he sooo wants to get in your pants. Or, in your case, leggings.
--Soho
Must You Criticize Me in Front of Strangers?
Black boy: Damn! Yo' jeans are tight!
Hipster: Yeah.
Black boy: Can yo' balls breathe?
Hipster: [Scoffs.]
Black girl: Rodney, why you always gotta do that? Plus, you know your ass is dirty.
--Bergen & Smith St, Cobble Hill, Brooklyn
Can You Let Go of My Hair Now?
Angry chick: Yeah, so I am in this really fuckin' Zen place. I've been doing fucking yoga, and I'm really calm and Zen. Can't you tell how fucking Zen I am?!
Friend: Ummm... Yeah, totally.
--8th St & Astor Pl
Overheard by: Alyson Leigh
When You Work It In, You Have to Work It Out
Guy: ... And then she gets all pissed because I wouldn't go down on her after we made love.
Female friend: Did she orgasm?
Guy: Well, no, but I really didn't want to get my own semen all over my face!
Female friend: She gets your semen all over her face all the time!
--St. Mark's Pl
Overheard by: agrees with the woman.
We Will Now Begin the Sing-Along Portion Of Our Flight
Flight attendant: Ladies and gentlemen, I'd like to welcome you aboard JetBlue flight 1024 with nonstop service to Boston. Before we depart, I would like to take the time and make sure that everyone is on the right flight -- we don't want people finding out that they're going to the wrong city after we shut the cabin doors. Is everyone here going to Boston? [Silence.] I said, is everyone here going to Boston?
Passengers: Yes!
Flight attendant: Thank you. You have to answer me, people!
--JetBlue flight, JFK
How the U.S. Looks to the Rest of the World
Angry guy: Hey, what the fuck, man? You fuckin' crazy, jackhole? What the fuck you doin', man?
Bewildered guy: I'm not doing anything...
Angry guy: Be fuckin' nice, man! What the fuck is wrong with you? Be fucking nice!
Bewildered guy: Well, then, you be nice, too.
Angry guy: Do not fuck with me. I will fuck you up! Do not fuckin' mess with me!
Bewildered guy: I'm not messing with you!
Angry guy: Okay. Have a nice day.
--F train
And Relieve You of All Unwanted Currency
Sales clerk: Can I help you with anything?
Depressed girl: I just want to find the nearest window to jump out of.
Sales clerk: I can escort you to the highest point of the store.
--Toys 'R' Us, 42nd St
Two Hours of Me Scratching My Armpits Would Be Better Than Waterworld
Employee #1 sinking dejectedly next to bookshelf: There should be a movie of my life.
Employee #2: That would be the worst movie ever.
Employee #1: Heyyy!
--The Strand
Aren't Black People Supposed to Be Familiar with The Color Purple?
Big black guy: Blue plus red equals green, nigga!
--Loews Cinema, 13th & Broadway
Overheard by: no, its purple
Or Maybe It's the Fact That I'm Joan of Arc
Chick: I'm European. Europeans don't wait on line -- this is bull. [Two hours later, to bathroom attendant] Yeah, well, I was born and raised in Queens, so I guess that's why I'm so outspoken.
--Crobar
Overheard by: Ioulia Fedorova
I'm Nostalgic for a Time I Never Lived Through
Suit #1: You want to hear something really embarrassing?
Suit #2: Okay, what?
Suit #1: I've been listening to the Grateful Dead a lot lately.
Suit #2: Dude, that's not cool at all.
--Annie O's
Overheard by: Nicole
And That's All I'm Authorized to Take into Account
Lady: Pay attention! My legs don't stop there.
Hubby: But yo' pants do.
--E 12th & Ave A
Overheard by: Bases McGee
But I Managed to Get a Day-Pass
Woman #1, in bathroom line: Where are you from?
Woman #2: New Jersey, unfortunately.
--Deluxe, 114th & Broadway
Overheard by: McFreaky
Today on The Jung and the Restless
Psych girl #1: So, how did your date go?
Psych girl #2: Oh, well, I felt that he definitely fit an archetype... But a good archetype.
--NYU Silver Center
Overheard by: Abram
This Is a Parka
Nerdy, middle-aged Jewish man: Um, you're dripping on me.
Middle-aged jock: No, I'm not.
Nerdy, middle-aged Jewish man: Yes, it's from your windbreaker.
Middle-aged jock: You moron. You fucking moron.
--1 train, UWS
Overheard by: Beth
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