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Or Does It?
Girl: I sooo want oatmeal.
Guy: I have a George Foreman grill.
Girl: That doesn't help me get oatmeal.
--1 train
Overheard by: Ethank
Not As Upsetting As You Keeping the Word "Fugly" Alive
Drunk guy #1: That's not even right, man. That girl is too hot to be standing next to that fugly woman.
Drunk guy #2: Excuse me, ma'am, could you move a few steps to the left? You're upsetting my friend.
--7 train
Overheard by: David Moss
This City Has It All!
Thugette: I just want to go some place where I feel comfortable.
Thug: I just want to go some place where I can piss on you.
--East Village
Overheard by: r. kelly
Just Tell Him No Dessert
30-ish woman #1: So he's never went down on you -- no big deal. Young guys are like that.
30-ish woman #2: But he's twelve...
--Times Square
Really Takes Me Back to My Gangbang Days at Vassar
Woman: No more room! Stop pushing! No more room!
Man on platform: Aw, baby, you don't mean that!
--7 train, 74th St & Roosevelt Ave stop
Overheard by: Peter Holby
Dude, at Least Read Harry Potter or Something
Guy #1: Dude, are you studying?
Guy #2, not looking up from Game Boy: Fuckin' Pokemons... Gotta catch 'em all.
--Butler Library, Columbia University
Overheard by: Mark Pancho
If He Doesn't Tell You to Fuck Off, You're Golden
Tourist guy: How do I get to Essex Street from here?
New Yorker guy: Go down about seven or eight blocks, make a left, and ask somebody there.
--St. Mark's Pl & 2nd Ave
Overheard by: Drew
Which Explains Why I'm So Unrealistic
Girl #1: I really like where I live now. Where do you want to live after school? Brooklyn Heights?
Girl #2: I want to live on the Upper East Side, far away from the subway... I plan on cabbing everywhere.
Girl #1: That can get really expensive.
Girl #2: I lived frugally all through undergrad. I plan on living large.
Girl #1: What are you studying, again?
Girl #2: Literature.
--26th & 1st
Overheard by: goodbye blue monday
I Did Get Drilled at Victoria's Secret Once
Girl #1: I hope if I ever go back to London, I run into that French guy I hooked up with last time.
Girl #2: Well, maybe when you go back you'll meet a new French guy.
Girl #1: Looking specifically to meet French guys in London? I dunno, that seems like looking to buy a bra in a hardware store.
Girl #2: Yeah, but imagine you find that perfect B-cup in amongst the drills and such.
--C train
... Whatever It Is
Bimbette #1: Oh my god, you just called me Breanne.
Bimbette #2: I always call you Breanne.
Bimbette #1: Oh, yeah! You're right... I totally miss my name...
--Walgreens, Empire State Building
Overheard by: seriously?
It's Not Your Brains They Want to Eat
Tween boy #1: Man, I don't like your school.
Tween boy #2: I know. They're all like Rob Zombie there, but none of them are zombies -- they're all gay.
--C train
Overheard by: Betty Noir
When Did Baseball Become the Sport of Kings?
Chick, peering into bar: Hey! The Yankees are on!
Dude: What are you, poor? Let's go home and watch it in HD.
--110th & Amsterdam
Overheard by: Barry P.
Home Depot Also Sells the Industrial Grade Belt-Driven Kind
Little boy: Do you have 25 cents?
Older sister: What? No... You don't need a tampon.
Little boy: No, I want a napkin.
Older sister: You don't need those, either.
Little boy: I want a napkin for my face! [Reads off dispenser] See? Nap-kin.
Older sister: Those aren't napkins like we use at the table. They're... um... y'know, ladies' things, like Mommy uses.
Little boy: Ohhh...
--Ladies' room, Home Depot, Bed-Stuy
Overheard by: Pippa
Guess That Explains the Spiked Collar
Six-year-old boy: Can I pet your dog?
Hot girl: Sure, but she's a little crazy.
Six-year-old boy: Ahhh, so is my sister [points to four-year-old]. Maybe they're related!
Four-year-old sister: Grrr...
--14th & 7th
Overheard by: dan finnegan
That, and My Microscopic Penis.
Guy #1: They say a lot of people who suffer from bipolar disorder are promiscuous.
Guy #2: Yeah, I know. That was my ex-girlfriend's excuse for being a whore.
--Financial District
I Can Say with Absolute Certainty That You Are Wrong
Man: You're not mad at me?
Woman: Nah. I can't get mad at you, 'cause I look in your face and know you're not a valiscious person. You don't mean it. Some people, though -- some people are just downright valiscious.
--30th & Madison
Overheard by: Unrelenting Monkey
It Had Boobs Painted on It
Woman: You don't remember me, do you?
Older man: Your face looks familiar...
Woman: You saw me running down the street naked last weekend.
Older man: Why would I remember your face, then?
--Ditmars Blvd, Astoria
Overheard by: Lauren
Okay, but a Burlap Sack and Shower Cap?
Chick: Does she think that looks hot?
Friend: She's ten.
--Central Park
Overheard by: Jax
Chinese Fighting Shoe
Woman #1: ... And she got in a fight with him, and she took her shoe off with the spike heel.
Woman #2: Yeah.
Woman #1: And she throws it at him, and it hits him in the head and he dies!
Woman #2: Oh my god, that's terrible!!
--Kingsborough Community College
Really, There's No Reason the Three of Us Can't Play Scrabble
Trendy Asian girl #1: I'm so glad that we're still friends and everything, after I dated your brother.
Trendy Asian girl #2: Oh, yeah, we're totally friends now. I'll share everything with you. Purses, shoes -- everything. And that was sort of like I was sharing my brother with you, too!
--36th & 3rd
Gotta Watch 'Em Every Minute During the Terrible Twos
Concert girl #1: You totally missed it.
Concert girl #2: Missed what?
Concert girl #1: You know those girls that were really drunk and dancing in front of us? Well, they ended up taking their clothes off...
--Brooklyn
Not Having to Think Frees Up a Lot of Time for Watching Reality TV
Dude with clipboard to couple passing by: Excuse me, you two! Sign this! It's your independent right as an American.
Guy: No, thanks. I hate rights.
Chick: Yeah, just being told what to do rocks.
Guy: Conforming is sweet.
--Bleecker St
Like a Festering Boil on Brooklyn's Baby-Smooth Buttock
Crazy guy: There is something wrong with Winthrop Street. Do not get off the train there! You ever notice how they never say 'Winthrop Street'? They say Franklin, President, Sterling, then it's Wooothup. Never trust anybody who can't say clearly what they mean.
Disembodied train voice: This is President Street. The next stop will be Sterling Street.
Crazy guy: You see?! President! Sterling! You do not want to get off this train at Winthrop!
--2 train
Overheard by: Got off at President
NewsFlash: Cheerfulness Detected in Bronx. Quickly Nullified.
Old black lady: Bus driver, you a dumb motherfucker! You just turned down the wrong street!
Man: Don't worry, Mr. Bus Driver, I still have faith in you.
Old black lady, to man: Get your faggot-ass off the bus!
--8 bus, Bronx
How Do You Think I've Been Getting Drinks?
Drunk girl: No, really, how drunk are you?
Sober guy: Very drunk.
Drunk girl: Really?
Sober guy: Oh, shit, you totally just flashed that guy your vagina!
--E train
Well, We Do Live in Queens
Man: Oh, no! This is a crisis!
Woman: No life?
--Cereal aisle, Key Foods, Forest Hills
In the Sense That I Eat the Oatmeal
Teen girl #1, about nearby Shoot the Freak booth: So, what is it -- some kind of set-up or something? Like, it's not a real freak, right?
Teen girl #2: No, it's a real guy. Want to go see?
Teen girl #1: No! I'm a Quaker!
--Coney Island
As Long As I Can Keep Having Weekends Like That
Guy #1: So, how was your weekend?
Guy #2: Man, I ain't never gettin' married...
--50th & 8th
You Look Totally Different for Identical Twins
Latino cashier #1: ... And then he said he couldn't tell us apart.
Latino cashier #2: That's so insulting! Why wouldn't he be able to tell you guys apart? It's not like we're Chinese!
--8th & Ave C
Overheard by: m.
Why the U.S. Will Never Go Metric
Boy thug #1: He's like five foot twelve.
Boy thug #2: Dude, that's six foot.
Boy thug #1: Wait, five foot twelve is six foot?
Boy thug #3: Yes.
Boy thug #1: Five foot twelve is six foot?!
Boy thug #2: You're in height denial.
--N train
Overheard by: Mathematical Genius
NYC Rule: Ask Permission to Photograph the Natives
Suit, after taking cashier's photo on his cellphone: See how photogenic you are?
Cashier: Why did he just take a picture of me?
Next customer: That was creepy.
Barista: That was creepy.
--Starbucks, E 51st St
Overheard by: Chuckell
It's Just You, Me, and the Guy with the Pen and Paper
White wife: The rabbi told me that most of the government officials there are currently African American...
White husband: Okay...
White wife: But that he's going to be running for city council in the next election...
White husband: That's good...
White wife: He said that lots of Southern towns now have African American city officials...
White husband: I know...
White wife: But that even though the town is majority African American, it has a good chance of coming back.
White husband: Honey?
White wife: Yes?
White husband: It's just us here. You don't have to keep saying 'African American.' You can say 'schvartze.'
--Actor's Temple, W 47th St
Overheard by: Big Larry
Except That It Can't Be about Nothing
Guy #1: They're making a sitcom out of the Geico cavemen. Can you believe that?
Guy #2: Yeah. I can picture it -- it will be a lot like Seinfeld.
Guy #1: ... What?
--39th & 7th
Today's Quote Brought to You by the Letter Q, the Number 3, and a Total Dumbass
Tourist boyfriend: What's Avenue Q?
Tourist girlfriend: Well, in New York City there's a place called Alphabet City, and that's where they have Avenues A through Z.
--Dylan Prime, Tribeca
Overheard by: rebecca marie
Headline by: Jessica Bessica
Runners-Up:
· "And Spamalot Is This City in England." - SAtCW
· "It's Basically a Concentration Camp for Puppets" - Mikey G.
· "It's Right Next to Some Giant Apple" - Kelsey
· "No Tourist Left Behind" - sara
· "Ok, Can You Take Your Hand Out Of My Ass Now?" - sherman
Click here to see the new Headline Contest
Nor Does It Excuse My Sleeping with That Obese Guy
Asian chick: ... And that's the bar where I got roofied.
White chick: You didn't get roofied! You got food poisoning!
Asian chick: Yeah, I know, but it doesn't make for as good a story.
--W 4th & 6th
And That's Not Kosher
JAP with Barneys bag: ... So she borrowed five dollars and still hasn't paid me back yet. Like, what the fuck?
Friend: Shhh... Your Jew is showing.
--1 train
Overheard by: crazian
If You're Really Devoted, You'll Take Her into the Bathroom for Some Coke
30-ish man #1: Whenever I'm down, I just go out and get hammered with my mom. When's the last time you got wasted with your mom?
30-ish man #2: I don't really ever do that.
30-ish man #1: You've gotta be kidding me, dude. I do it all the time. Think about it -- moms need to get hammered. They never get to go out... Just take her out, get her drunk, and drop her off. It will be the time of her life. Just do it and be a good son.
--Northbound Harlem line
Wednesday One-Liners Prefer Omaha
Tourist girl to another: Oh my god, yes! Yeah, we'll just walk back. Times Square is like a couple blocks away.
--11th St
Tourist, about Rent: Is this show always about Christmas time? Because I know there are some shows that they update for each season.
--Nederlander Theatre
Tourist lady: Tree! Where are you?
--Rockefeller Center
Overheard by: Robert
Tourist, navigating crowds: Oh my god! I, like, feel like Anne Frank.
--49th & 8th
Overheard by: Claustrophobic
Tourist: Where's a Duane What's-his-nuts when you need it?
--45th & 8th
Overheard by: Ben Smith
Tourist girl: ... Are we in a dungeon?
--Track 4, Penn Station
Heave-Ho, Wednesday One-Liners!
Girl to friend passed out on stoop: Michelle! Michelle! I'ma take your picture for your MySpace page! Throw up again!
--University & E 9th St
Overheard by: Thompson
Chick: It's not like I miss my parents or anything, but it's just that the toilets here are so gross to throw up in.
--Columbia University
Overheard by: Mark Jochens
Vomiting thugette: I don't even know what that is... Oh, God, that's pizza!
--Brooklyn
Overheard by: traPt
Cute chick: I was way too drunk to do anything but have sex, throw up a pizza burger, and take a shower... in that order.
--The Black Sheep, 3rd Ave
Overheard by: Argopelter
Student to another: I dunno... All I heard is that he threw up all over his daughter's teacher!
--Mercer University
Overheard by: J Dawg
Conductor: Hey, here's a novel idea -- if you have to vomit, vomit on yourself! Not on the ground, on yourself!
--LIRR
Overheard by: Dave
I'm Wednesday One-Liners, and I Approve This Message
Ghetto black chick: I'm Hillary Clinton! Where my niggas at?
--Penn Station
Overheard by: arose
30-ish black woman: She can tell me what book to buy... She can recommend a good bra... But Oprah telling me who to vote for? I don't think so!
--42nd & 8th
Overheard by: JoBell
Guido: I would blow Al Sharpton to be in my bed right now. I would caress Hillary Clinton's asshole to be in my bed right now.
--F train
Overheard by: dat wint'ry mix
Hot chick: I mean, I love Bill Clinton, and I would have slept with him even last week, but he's gone crazy!
--11th & 4th, Park Slope
Overheard by: bemused obama guy
Hobo: Hello! I am running for president! Vote for me and I'll legalize marijuana! You can marry whoever you wanna!
--Deli, 12th & 6th
Overheard by: Nora, Bianca, and Ethan
Middle-aged white lady: Go Obama! Go Obama! I don't know what he stands for, but I sure like to look at him!
--31st & Ditmars, Astoria
Overheard by: Scarfish
Black woman to male friend: I just find it ironic that a woman and a black man are running... And I'm going with the white guy.
--Café Mogador, East Village
Wednesday One-Liners May Need to Pay for It
Chick on cell: What are you doing tonight? Do you want to grab a drink, since I'm not having sex?
--116th & Broadway
Overheard by: Ladle
Hobo: You know Bin Laden? Bin Laden has no sex.
--1 train
Lady to two girlfriends: She harasses people with that body. That's why ain't nobody want her.
--96th St station
Mid-50s blonde: I just don't think I'm getting anything out of this. I mean, you don't give me sex, you don't give me money, so what the hell am I getting?
--Sushi restaurant, Soho
Man on cell: I'm okay now. The doctor said I could have sex. If only I could find someone to have sex with.
--E 61st & Lex
Blonde: We don't have sex that much because I'm a virgin.
--E 23rd & Lex
Overheard by: Jake
Guy in hallway: I'd stick it in her, but she'd just pull it back out again.
--Leon M. Goldstein High
Overheard by: Hand-banana
Miss Teen South Carolina's Wednesday One-Liners
Chick: I feel like I can relate more to retarded people than normal people.
--Broadway & Waverly
Girl on cell: What are you talking about?! She's intellectually retarded. Hang on a sec, okay? Crap! They don't have The Da Vinci Code.
--Outside The Strand
Black girl: ... And we wasn't laughin' at him 'cause he got Down Syndrome... [Chuckles] We was laughin' 'cause he was mackin' on us so hard!
--Fordham University cafeteria, Rose Hill
Overheard by: So did the helmet get in the way?
Frat boy: Geez, bro, just when I thought you couldn't get retardeder...
--Park Row
Overheard by: Passerby
Angry girl on cell: I was trying to tell her that she's fucking retarded... in a very nice way!
--Fontana's
Clap If You Believe in Wednesday One-Liners
Grad student chick: Yoda is not a relative. He's little and green.
--NYU
12-year-old boy: I'm in a grey area right now as to whether Santa exists or not. I need more evidence.
--E 20th St
Overheard by: Dia
Customer to cashier: Frodo, it's been real.
--Barnes & Noble, 18th & 5th
Overheard by: I Am McLovey
Thug: You know what, nigga? I think all them zombies are racist mothafuckahs. You notice they always eat the brotha first? What are we, covered in mothafuckin' chocolate? Do I look like a fondue fountain? That's some bullshit.
--189th & Bathgate
Overheard by: Lyle
Hobo, in false British accent: Of all the dimensions in the universe, I had to end up in this one! New York -- filthy, dirty, grimy. Greatest city in the world? Bah! I could have been fighting dragons with Merlin, but no! I had to end up here!
--6 train
Home Is Where You Hang Your Wednesday One-Liners
Saleswoman to customer on busy day: Some days you really should just stay at home. You're cranky.
--Macy's, Herald Square
Loud black lady on cell: Mothafuckah, I ain't no one-night stand. If you think you can fuckin' call me at 10:30 to 11:00 at night and fuckin' pull me out of my home with my kids, then you must think I'm some other... [whispers] bitch.
--Mail room, Financial District
Woman on cell: Good, that way she won't be able to beat on anyone else's house guests! Let her sit at home and beat on her own house guests!
--M14 bus
Overheard by: Eyeteeth
Conductor: Jessica! Jessica! Girl, you on this train. Jessica Elizabeth! I'm taking you home, girl.
--6 train
Overheard by: fridaholic
Wednesday One-Liners Are Famous for Being Famous
Chick: When Derek Jeter sees where my new bug bites are, he's going to go ballistic.
--McDonald's, 51st & 3rd
Overheard by: Jack
Enlightened film student to dense film student: Y'know, I can't wait for you to wake up one day, sit straight up in bed with your eyes open wide and realize that Quentin Tarantino sucks ass!
--Borders
Old guy to wife: God, Matthew McConaughey is a fucking faggot. That guy's been sucking cock since he was born.
--42nd & Broadway
Newspaper peddler: Read all about it! Britney Spears just died! Read all about it!
--Wall St & Broadway
11-year-old girl, leaning on subway pole: I want to jump on this pole like Tila Tequila! She can put her legs up over her head!
--E train, 50th St