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And Those Squiggly Things That Aren't Letters
College freshman: I think I'm going to minor in Accounting. Does that sound good?
Friend: Well, do you like stuff like that?
College freshman: Wait... What is Accounting?
Friend: It's, like, spreadsheets.
College freshman: Oh, cool.
--PATH
... So Could You Please Go Buy a Tourniquet?
Dad: It just seems silly. Why risk a lot for a little?
Teen son: It's not a little, it's my life!
--14th & 6th
Yeah, What's More Natural Than Caulk?
Woman #1: I'm getting my breasts done again next week.
Woman #2: Oh, really?
Woman #1: Yeah, I'm going to go with silicone this time... It's so natural.
Woman #2: Oh, I know what you mean...
--Restroom, 53rd & 3rd
Overheard by: in the stall
Shortest Law & Order Episode Ever
Bag lady: Please, can someone help me? Call 911...
Cop: You're talking to a goddamn cop! Are you fucking retarded?
--Times Square
And Willing to Share Her Meth
Guy: So, Rob slept with that trailer trash chick last night.
Girl: Holy shit! Which one?
Guy: The meth-head-looking one. You don't think she looks like total trailer trash?
Girl: Oh my god, she had trailer trash oozing out of her fucking pores!
Guy: So why were you talking to her half the night?
Girl: Whatever. She was really nice.
--Terrace table, Blue Water Grill, Union Square
Overheard by: ebizzle
Outside, They Stepped in Flaming Bum Dung
Tourist woman #1, staring up at glass elevators in atrium: Oh my god, look at that!
Tourist woman #2, gasping: Oh my god!
Tourist woman #3: Wow! Will you look at that!
Tourist woman #2: They got those lights on 'em! It's like The Matrix or something!
Tourist woman #1: Where's Martha*?
Tourist woman #2: I think she's over looking out the window.
Tourist woman #1: Okay... I guess we should go get her. [All stare silently for a moment.]
Tourist woman #3, reluctantly tearing her eyes away: Come on.
Tourist woman #1: Yeah, okay. Wow.
Tourist woman #2: Yeah.
--8th floor lounge, Marriott Marquis, Times Square
Overheard by: Rose Fox
Lesson One: Don't Sleep with People You Dislike
Preggers: So, are you going to change your phone number?
Baby daddy: Probably.
Preggers: Well, then how can I tell you about the appointments and such?
Baby daddy: You have three of my e-mail addresses.
Preggers: It's not my responsibility to e-mail you when all of this stuff is.
Baby daddy: But you were going to text me when they were? What the fuck?! [Walks away.]
--Times Square
Overheard by: Bastard children rule!
Hard to Miss
Dude: It's Kurt Cobain's birthday soon.
Grungy hipster girl: Reeeally?
Skinny frat boy: Too bad he shot himself in the head.
Dude: Haha, yeah. Shotgun!
--New School dorm
Overheard by: Cameron
For Thousands of Years
Thug: Damn, girl! What, you got some Irish blood in you?
Girl: Um, no...
Thug: Then what kind you got?
Girl: I'm Jewish.
Thug: Them Jews got it goin' on!
--14th & 9th
It Wasn't Even Wii Rollerblading!
Shaggy high school boy: I totally saw her roller blading on my block.
Shaggy high school girl: Oh my god, she would be roller blading.
--Calhoun School, 81st & West End
Overheard by: Booters
He Ran the Gamut from Supercilious to Disdainful
Girl: I met this guy last summer... He was French...
Guy: That means he was gay?
--1 train
Overheard by: olga torrey
Birds of a Feather...
Guy #1: Which came first, the chicken or the egg?
Guy #2: That's hard, man. I've never been good at science.
Guy #3: Me neither.
--6th Ave
Overheard by: Bored at the Office
I Think You Should Listen to the Question Again
Girl: Oh, has your ear been penetrated?
Boy: It's called 'pierced,' Maddie, not 'penetrated.' Pierced.
--Central Park
I Wrote about This on my Application Essay
Dude #1, burping loudly: I know you're gassy if you have to fart a lot, but what are you if you have to burp a lot?
Dude #2: Same thing, in the opposite direction.
--Columbia University
Overheard by: Wiley Willis
No -- And for Religious Reasons
Hipster #1: Have we had the bar mitzvah conversation yet?
Hipster #2: I thought you were a Mexican?
Hipster #1: I'm Brazilian. And Jewish.
Hipster #2: Are you fucking with me?
--Williamsburg
Perhaps Not for You
Crazy old man selling bubble guns: Welcome to Coney Island!
Emo teen: This isn't Coney Island!
--14th & Broadway
Overheard by: smirkingonlooker
Sometimes We Even Have Sex
Dude #1: Lots of people tell me I'm the gayest straight man they know.
Dude #2: Mmmm... No, I know a gayer straight guy than you.
--F station, Bergen St
Overheard by: Rose Fox
Americans and Their Incomprehensible English
Tall foreign model #1: ... And we nicknamed each other's, you know, junk...
Tall foreign model #2: Really? What does he call yours?
Tall foreign model #1: He keeps calling it 'Gina' -- I don't get why.
Tall foreign model #2: Huh.
--12th & 4th
Hey, I Didn't Vote for Him
Loud woman: That nigga stupid!
Friend: You right.
Loud woman: Nah, he worse than stupid. That nigga retarded! Re-tar-ded!
Friend: He didn't even get good grades in college!
--F train
... Not to Mention Non-Jews
Hipster #1: So, everybody is moving to Park Slope.
Hipster #2: Who's everybody?
Hipster #1: I don't know... Jews...
--Williamsburg, Brooklyn
Overheard by: Emily
Upon Hearing This, Several New Yorkers Burst into Flames
Elderly tourist: This place is amazing. Exactly like Louisville.
Female companion: Yep. New York's just like Louisville.
--W 4th & Greene
But What Else Do We Know about Ann Coulter?
Girl #1: She's such a fucking bitch.
Girl #2: She's such a motherfucking bitch.
Girl #1: Yeah, but she's hot.
Girl #2: Yeah, she's really fucking hot.
--7th & Ave A
This Reality Show Has Gone Way Off Script
Crackhead: Excuse me, miss, but you don't look so good. Are you okay?
Hot, drunk chick vomiting in a trashcan: I'm supposed to be asking you that!
--66th St, Lincoln Center station
Demolition of My Conscience Is Almost Complete
Law student #1: How was your summer?
Law student #2: Off the hook. Italy is the third fucking world. Poverty kicks ass when you don't have to deal with it, like, every day.
--Mercer & 3rd
Wanna See Me Stop My Heart?
Girl #1: Oh, look, they have yoga.
Girl #2: Yeah, but it's all 'Breathe in, breathe out.' I hate that shit.
--Shake Shack line, Madison Square Park
Overheard by: Jacqui
Um... Nail Gun!
Customer: Got anything to kill a mouse?
Clerk: Hammer!
Customer: Yeah, tried that.
--True Value Hardware Store, Carroll Gardens
Overheard by: I Prefer A Circular Saw
They'll Have Their Own Reality Show within a Year
Man yelling from upper floor: Bitch! You lucky I can't come down there and beat yo' ass!
Woman yelling up from street: That's why yo' ass is in there!
--Brooklyn House of Detention for Men
Overheard by: Jimbo Jones
We're Too Weird to Be Racist
White man to another: Before he shows up, you should probably know this guy's a top 100 digger.
Black man: What'd you call me?!
White man: Uh, I just said... We're nerds. It means we're nerds.
--Starbucks, Astor Pl
It All Started with That Damn Gene Kelly Movie
Thug #1: Look at all them people with umbrellas.
Thug #2: They all a bunch of chumps.
Thug #1: The only reason they have umbrellas is peer pressure!
--45th & Lex
Overheard by: EthanK
Is It Your Time of the Month, Josh?
Female clerk: Do we have Skinny Bitch down here?
Queer clerk: Oh, I don't know. What does she look like?
Female clerk: It's a book.
Queer clerk: Oh, we have books here, too.
--Barnes & Noble
But Isn't That Malt Liquor in Your Carriage?
Black woman with baby carriage to people trying to push in: What's the matter with you mothafuckahs? Are the goddamn stairs broken?
Old black man: You take the stairs, bitch! I'm a veteran! I fought for my goddamn country, and now you won't make room for me in a goddamn elevator?! [Doors close, leaving old black man out.]
Black woman with baby carriage: Fuck his old ass. Women and children first.
--Civil Court, 141 Livingston St, Brooklyn
Overheard by: Big Larry
But Haven't That Collie's Tits Been through Enough?
Girl: What are you doing later?
Guy: Well, I was gonna go home, eat something, do some schoolwork, and then smoke some weed and do some coke. Want some?
Girl: Absolutely.
Guy: Really?
Girl: Only if we can do lines off Lina's* tits.
Guy: ... Oh my god, I want to date you.
--The Met
Along with Blue Balls and Shame
NYU brat #1: So, did you guys end up hooking up, or what?
NYU brat #2: Yeah, we dry-humped for, like, an hour.
NYU brat #1: Dry-humped?! What are we, back in, like, eighth grade?
NYU brat #2: What, you haven't heard? Dry-humping is sooo back in.
--NYU
Overheard by: CK
They Jerk Their Meat
Puerto Rican girl #1: I really hate the way she eats.
Puerto Rican girl #2: Yeah, but she's Jamaican. You know how they are.
--Bergen St, Brooklyn
Overheard by: Dumbfounded
Headline by: Gutterlush
Runners-Up:
· "At Least She Isn't Dominican." - Jon
· "Even Their Chickens Are Jerks." - Howard Bannister
· "Psychic?" - Beryl
· "Racism! It's What's For Dinner" - Goldielox
· "You're Just Jealous You Can't Use Your Dreads As a Fork" - Chels
Click here to see the new Headline Contest
And Who Makes Me Look Thin
Girl #1: Oh my god, my roommate is so weird. She keeps farting, but I don't smell anything.
Girl #2: She must be anorexic.
Girl #1: True! I didn't think of that. I'm so glad I'm friends with someone that got a scholarship!
--Starbucks, 51st & Broadway
Overheard by: Or she's bullemic.
Yes, Towering Mountains Sprouting before Me
Teen daughter: So, is this what you saw?
Mother: What?
Teen daughter: Is this what you saw when you took estrogen?
--Summer of Love: Art of the Psychedelic Era, Whitney Museum
Overheard by: flowerchild
She Photographs the Dinosaurs As a Reminder to Wear Moisturizer
JAP mom, looking at diorama of Neanderthals: Amanda was taking pictures of them before...
JAP daughter: It must be her goal weight.
--Museum of Natural History
Ultralubricated Wednesday One-Liners with a Reservoir Tip
Curly-haired chick: Your condom consumption should not intimidate people.
--Morningside Heights
Overheard by: Wild Dog Boy
Woman: He bought a car? With seven grand you buy condoms... or a house. But a car?
--6 train
Overheard by: Sabrina
Girl on cell: So I'm just at the pharmacy picking up a prescription... [Lowers voice] You know, my pills... What? My pills! You know, those pills I take so that I don't get pregnant when your dumb ass busts inside me!
--Duane Reade, 34th & Park
Overheard by: Laughing my dumb ass off
Perky girl to friend: Yeah, and then he said, 'What the heck?' and flung the condom across the room.
--Astor Pl
20-ish chick: The ribs do nothing for me, but I buy 'Her pleasure' condoms for political reasons.
--Williamsburg
Overheard by: Ursula & Winifred
Young girl, panicky: Do you know where I can find the morning-after pill?!
--CVS
Over 1 Billion Wednesday One-Liners Served
Guy to friend: Yo! I'm mad hungry! I want some anus! [Passengers stare.] ... Awww, shit! I meant that shit from McDonald's -- angus! Angus!
--4 train
Enthusiastic queer: This train smells like McDonald's! Someone's being a chubby chicken!
--Queens-bound N train
Overheard by: Onion
Hobo: Just so you know, they don't got liquor stores in heaven. They don't got no McDonald's, neither.
--1 train
Overheard by: Galen
Girl on cell: He's obsessed with America's Next Top Model... And he watches What Not to Wear... What? No... Mom, he said that McDonald's fries are his weakness, but they go straight to his thighs! How much gayer do you need him to be?!
--Pratt Institute
Mom to crying kid in stroller: Well, if you don't want McDonald's, I don't know what I can get you.
--207th & Broadway
Wednesday One-Liners Lick Themselves with Noisy Enthusiasm
Man walking dog: Yo, take a shit right here.
--Houston & Mangin
Overheard by: How about a little to the left?
Woman to her gang-banging pug dog: Everyone can have love together!
--Prospect Park
Overheard by: riana
Man to Yorkie, tugging at leash outside porn shop: You don't want to go in there. Nothing you could use in there... Hmmm, except maybe the rubber goods.
--28th & 8th
Overheard by: Chuckell
Upset man to black lab walking sheepishly beside him: They didn't want you in there because you're black, and they should have the guts to say so! We should go back to that fucking place and burn it down! [Pats pooch on head.] Good girl. You're a good girl. [They start walking away again, and man mutters to himself] Motherfuckers.
--W 4th St
Is It Hot in Here, or Is It You, Wednesday One-Liners?
Man to scantily clad girl passerby: Yo, can I get your number? Can I text message you? Can I e-mail you? Somethin'? [As she walks away] Can I be your socks?
--Times Square
Overheard by: Nicole
70-year-old man to 20-something jogger: Good morning. Would you like to wrestle in the grass over there?
--Riverside Park
Drunken Don Juan: Hey... Miss... Miss... Ah... Is your husband... Is your husband married?
--Prospect Pl & Classon, Brooklyn
Overheard by: sweet tea
Drunk guy to girl: You have nice toes. I want to put them in my mouth.
--St. Mark's & 2nd Ave
Creepy guy to hot blonde, after trying to pick her up: I'm not trying to hit on you. I just want to be your friend on Facebook.
--78th & Columbus
Wednesday Catches a Bad Case of One-Liners
Crazy man: Now, you probably don't know this, but most of y'all have diabetes.
--1 train
Overheard by: bildita
Tall, skinny suit to lady suit: ... What's your sick policy? I was like, 'Stay the fuck away from me, and don't get me sick -- that's our sick policy!'
--13th & University
Overheard by: Dave D
Chick: I'da killed him if it wasn't for that damn leukemia.
--9th & Smith St station
Dude: Can you get carpel tunnel of the butt?
--17th & 6th
Girl on cell: I'm like a virus. I never go away. I go away for a little bit, and you think you're clear, and then I come back and take over your body.
--33rd & 30th, Astoria
Overheard by: brigid
Every Little Wednesday One-Liner Helps
Crazy hobo to passing Fordham students: Y'all crazy motherfuckers pay 40 grand a year to get a damn education. Y'all don't need no education. Pay 40 grand to get me food! Hell, I'll take four dollars! Look at me -- I got no education, and I turned out just fine.
--Fordham University, Lincoln Center
Overheard by: one of those mothafuckers
Wheelbo: I don't care what they say, I promise you I'll pay you back.
--Battery Park
Overheard by: MBS
Hobo: I need money for alcohol, drugs, and a hooker... Hey, at least I'm not bullshitting you.
--35th & 4th
Hobo, as girl nearby drops her Vogue: Oh, no! Somebody dropped their Torah!
--E train
Hobo, to passing suit: Hey, asshole, why don't you get a job like everyone else, and stop taking my money?!
--34th & 8th
Wednesday One-Liners Do Dallas
Hobo: I was an extra in the movie [inaudible] Times Square, man! Did you see it? I was the one down on my knees screaming, 'I'm a born-again porno addict!'
--N train
Man on cell: Yo, dude, I don't know what to get! They got all kinds of shit in there!
--Outside adult video store, 14th & 6th
Overheard by: Sarah
Hot chick on cell: Why are you so stressed?! This sounds like a good thing! Don't be so serious about it! It'll be okay! Here, did you know there's an animal rights group called 'Porn Stars for Pups'?
--The Black Sheep
Overheard by: Argopelter
Guy on cell, pushing by couple with baby in stroller: I'm not going to California! I pay her twelve hundred dollars per hour. If she doesn't sleep with Niko, then fire her! I lost a hundred thirty-eight fucking grand yesterday! Tell her what to do, and deal with it!
--Horatio & Hudson
Overheard by: Stephen Lindsay
Angry girl to friend: Seriously, Chris, can't we go one day without talking about shizer porn?!
--East Village
Wednesday One-Liners Will Bring the Keg
Black tween girl: So, Jared was like, 'What? You want a pizza party?' and I said, 'No, I want a party that I can pop, lock, and drop in.' And then she goes, 'Girl, I can pop and lock, but if I drop, I'll drop.
--59th & Lex N/R/W stop
Overheard by: koala
Drunk guy on cell: What? Yeah, it's always a great party... Hmmm... Let me think of who I have to sleep with to get you an invite...
--34th & 3rd
20-ish chick: I was telling the girls about how his cock unfurls like one of those party blowers, and then they happened to have those blowers at the New Year's Eve party we went to, so I tormented them with one all night.
--Columbia University
Overheard by: McFreaky
Late-30s guy: I'm the kind of guy who goes to parties and brags about my perky corneas.
--House party, S 8th St, Williamsburg
Overheard by: Ursula & Winifred
Guy on cell: Well, the funeral was Tuesday... Yeah, the party was that night.
--10th & 2nd
Overheard by: Suzz
Barbie type to tourist pals: It sucks -- you guys are like two weeks late to party with Heath Ledger.
--2nd Ave, between E 6th & E 7th St
Overheard by: Ben
Two Thumbs Up for Wednesday One-Liners
Hobo: Ladies and gentlemen, I'm not gonna lie to you -- I'm broke, homeless, and I really wanna see Big Momma's House 2. Please spare some change.
--F train
Overheard by: benny
20-ish chick: Why is Jason Bateman in a movie called Mr. Magorium's Wonder Emporium? This ruins all of my fantasies.
--Harlem
Overheard by: Ladle
Diner: Yo, 'hyena' -- I know how that's spelled. H-Y-H-E-E-N-A. High-heena! I know that shit. I saw The Lion King.
--IHOP, Staten Island
Overheard by: explosivo
Ghetto white girl: She never even saw Breakfast at Tiffany's until I lent it to her... Tryin' to act like that's her shit...
--B train
Young Socrates: Yo, son, Saw II is the ill philosophic reference.
--Brooklyn College
Overheard by: fival went east
Flight attendant: Attention, passengers, please turn your attention to channel 30. Caddyshack is on!
--LaGuardia
Overheard by: Erica: I quickly went to channel thirty
Wednesday One-Liners Add a Little Something Extra
Dad: Okay, girls! Now, we're on a very tight budget -- you can get ketchup, mustard, or barbecue sauce.
--Shea Stadium
Overheard by: bill R
Girl: Apparently I ate an entire jar of mustard.
--Bard High School Early College
Overheard by: and didn't notice?
Hot guy on cell: That's fine, but I just don't want to find the television smeared with peanut butter this time...
--96th & CPW
White chick: La Choy is the white trash of soy sauce!
--113th St
Overheard by: Meister E.
Man to hobo: If I had any more butter, I would give it to you, but I don't because I used it already.
--Howard St
Overheard by: havarthe
Foxy lady, to female dining companion: I could pour ketchup in your cleavage and dip a fry in it... Just dip it in! Why are people staring at us?
--Relish, Williamsburg
Overheard by: Justin Casement
The Parable of Wednesday and the One-Liners
Voice on PA system: Attention -- if you want to preach, we ask that you please move around the boat. Again, don't stand in one place; please continue moving around the boat if you want to preach.
--Staten Island Ferry
Overheard by: Kate
Crazy guy: Ladies and gentlemen, the Bible says that the fire will come in the form of locusts. Ladies and gentlemen, the Apache helicopter created by the U.S. Army is in the shape of locusts. If you don't believe me, look it up. Please believe me, ladies and gentlemen...
--2 train
Overheard by: beeloo
God Squad guy: Let Jesus be your lawyer! OJ Simpson, Michael Jackson -- what did they have? Good lawyers! On Judgment Day, you're going to need a lawyer! Let Jesus represent you!
--Roosevelt Ave station
Overheard by: How come Jesus didn't represent himself at the Crucifiction?
Black Jewish preacher: Bad boy, bad boy -- whatcha gonna do? Whatcha gonna do when Jesus come for you?
--21st St
Man: Everything you see belongs to the Lord. He is willing to save your soul. [Cell phone rings, and he answers] Hi, honey... I'm in the Bronx, preaching... I told you last night, remember? I said, 'God is telling me to preach in the Bronx.' Yes, I did tell you! [Hisses] You never fucking listen!
--6 train
Wednesday One-Liners Go to the Liberry
Teen boy: Yeah, I read the audio book.
--Barnes & Noble
Overheard by: Sarah
Chick: My life has really changed since moving to New York. Like, in L.A. I use to read Us Weekly, and now I read The New Yorker.
--Lower East Side
Overheard by: Aileen
UWS mom to hippie college son: Darling, I've decided we must get this book because it feels really quite wonderful. [Customers gawk.] I know it sounds weird, but the way a book feels means a lot, and this one feels good. Oh, and I like the cover.
--The Strand
Overheard by: losaida lois
Literary agent: God, I'm so sick of domestic violence memoirs. I just want to go beat the crap out of them.
--W 35th St
Lit professor: Reading Ulysses for the first time, like other life experiences we have for the first time, is not quite as pleasurable as we might have hoped it would be. However, unlike other life experiences we have for the first time, reading Ulysses lasts much, much longer.
--Eugene Lang College
Overheard by: amelia
Well, Okay, but I Still Don't Get It
Little boy to mom: What do you mean, I'll appreciate them one day? I'll like bras?
Little girl: My mom's boyfriend likes bras, and he's only twenty-two.
--Victoria's Secret
Overheard by: Juliette
Would Make Our Jobs a Lot Harder
Woman stuck in bathroom, kicking and banging: Help me! [Inaudible yelling in Spanish.]
Conductor: Miss, don't push the door, slide the door!
Man: Some people just shouldn't be allowed on the train.
--NJ Transit
Overheard by: Erin
It's Got an Overheard in New York Quote!
Hawker lady: Read all about it! AM New York! Read all about it -- AM New York dot com!
Hawker guy, quietly to passersby: Don't read that shit. They make shit up. Here, have a Metro.
--Penn Station
Overheard by: go rangers!
Okay, One More Time -- There Are Two Kinds of Pies
Man #1: No one is going to eat this pie.
Man #2: Yeah, someone will.
Man #1: Well, not after I finger-fuck it!
--Union Square
Separated at Birth?
Hedge fund wannabe #1 pointing to poster: Barry Manilow!
Hedge fund wannabe #2: So gay!
Hedge fund wannabe #1: He looks like what Rod Stewart would be if Rod were a woman...
--53rd St station
Overheard by: Dennis
But I'm Only Taking That Advice because of Your Cup Size
Lady: If you want girls to like you, you need to learn how to be nice to them.
Boy: Okay.
Lady: I'm your teacher. You need to listen to me. You've got to open doors for them.
Boy: Uh-huh...
Lady: And you need to stop talking about their breasts!
Boy: All right! I get it!
--Grand Central
Reader Poll: Who's the Republican Here?
Screaming mom: You have no idea what goes on in this world! Open your eyes and get a goddamn clue already!
Laughing son, ignoring her: Derrr...
--Hudson & Bank
Overheard by: Anna Wolinsky
Actually, Meg Ryan's Just Had Too Much Eye Work Done
Woman: Whoopsie!
Male friend #1, drunk: Whoooopsie!
Male friend #2: So, this train goes to Atlantic Avenue, right?
Woman: Right.
Male friend #2, pulling out mini map: So, we're here... and Atlantic Avenue is...
Woman, lowering voice: You're standing too close to that girl.
Male friend #1, drunk: What? No I'm not.
Woman: Yes, you are. You're right in her face.
Drunk man: Oh, she doesn't care. She's Korean.
--Q train
Overheard by: the 6' tall white girl he was standing WAY too close to
The Battle of the Sexes Comes to the Peace Table. Sort Of.
Girl: Please!
Guy: No!
Girl: Come on!
Guy: No!
Girl: Pleeease, just once!
Guy: I'm not going to let you mace me!
Girl: Come on... I'll let you punch me in the ovaries.
Guy: ... Just one, or both?
--Sullivan & Prince
Gay As Fireman Calendars, Both of 'Em
Woman #1: I heard your son started going to my son's doctor.
Woman #2: Yeah, he has a great bedside manner... And he has a handlebar mustache, too, haha.
Woman #1: Yeah, so does my gyno.
--29th & 3rd
Overheard by: Jeffrey G.
Meet the Man Who Programs New York's Crazies
Normal guy: So, you know this guy was unarmed...
Crazy beard guy: Sure.
Normal guy: Well, needless to say, people died that night. That's all I'm sayin'.
--12th & 1st
Overheard by: Heather
And Ruin Your Girlish Figure?
Dude #1: I really need to start acting like a bitch more often.
Dude #2: [Silence.]
Dude #1: At least that way I'll get more free dinners.
--57th & 10th
Overheard by: Sam
Just Natural Selection Doing Its Job
Rider #1: I see so many girls I want to have sex with when I ride.
Rider #2: That's because everyone out here is athletic.
Rider #1: Yeah!
--Central Park
Overheard by: Jeremy Willinger
I Shall Enforce This Decree by the Power of My Pussy
Angry girlfriend: I don't want you to challenge me on anything!
Boyfriend: [Silence.]
Angry girlfriend: I don't want you to tell me I'm wrong!
Boyfriend: [Silence.]
Angry girlfriend: If you're not going to tell me I'm correct, just don't talk anymore.
--F train
Overheard by: Colleen
Think about It -- What Are the Odds?
Activist girl: Sir, ma'am, do you have one minute to help the Democratic party?
Chipper passerby chick: No, but I have your shirt!
Activist girl, unimpressed: Awesome.
--116th & Broadway
Overheard by: Christiana Little
And Boots of Spanish Leather -- What's Your Point?
Guy with curly black hair: I'm not Jewish!
Friend: Sure you are -- you have Bob Dylan hair.
--Stuyvesant High
Overheard by: It Takes A Lot to Laugh, It Takes a Train to Stereotype
Big Girls: Yeah, Hope You Enjoy Lunching on Your Own Spit
Skinny girl #1: Do you know bridal salons only carry dresses in small sizes, so bigger girls have to, I don't know, close their eyes and imagine what the dress would look like if it could zip?
Skinny girl #2: Seriously?
Skinny girl #1: Some day somebody's going to come out with a design line for fat girls, and they're going to make a killing.
Skinny girl #2: Bridal Barn.
--Century 21, Financial District
I'm Hoping to Experiment with Heterosexuality in College
Dude: Do you want to dance?
Chick: No, sorry, I have a boyfriend.
Dude: That's okay, I'm gay.
Chick: Are you sure?
Dude: Am I sure? Yes! [Girl walks away.] Okay, fine, I'm not sure.
--Webster Hall, NYU
And I Only Do Anal with Priests
Jock: So, maybe you and I could... have coffee or lunch some time?
Religious chick: Sorry, I only date guys who are saved.
--Columbia University
Overheard by: cindy hawkins
He Settled Out of Court for Attorney Fees and an Undisclosed Number of McGriddles
Employee: The manager made us open the doors, but we don't have shit. Nothing is ready. [A bunch of employees are frantically putting buns on trays and trays into machines.]
Drunk guy, leaning on counter: I want some McGriddles! [Slips and falls.]
Employee: Look at you -- you can't even keep your shit from falling over! ... If you sue us, I'm going to say you was drunk.
Drunk guy, thoughtfully: You're right... I'm going to sue you for eight McGriddles!
--McDonald's, Fulton & Cliff St
Grandpa's So Inconsiderate
Hipster boy: I came home, and his shit was all open on my computer.
Hipster girl: He was on it again?!
Hipster boy: Yeah, and it was, like, rape videos he had downloaded. I sit down and it's like rape, rape, rape. I don't care if he uses my computer, but I don't need to see that shit!
Hipster girl: For real.
--S 1st & Bedford
Overheard by: redshift
Like Chinese, but All the Fortunes Say, "You Will Major in Engineering"
Asian kid #1: I haven't eaten Chinese food in so long...
Asian kid #2: You don't eat Chinese food at home?
Asian kid #1: No... I eat Korean food.
--Bronx Science
Overheard by: Lillian
Headline by: noodle
Runners-Up:
· "Ever Since the Animal Shelter Opened Next Door..." - KJM
· "If Your Mom Had Herpes, You'd Order Takeout Too." - Asian kid #3
· "My Mom's Trying This Whole "diversity" Thing" - micheleneous
· "The Difference Is in the Cats!" - kerm
· "Your Mom Doesn't Count" - BSchmidt
Click here to see the new Headline Contest
Excellent Guilt-Launch -- I Commend You!
Hobo: Yo, man, let me get a bite of that!
Guy eating cheesesteak: Naw, man!
Hobo: Dayummmn... Well, you ain't gotta eat it that fast!
--Lafayette & Broadway
What? The Native Americans Love That Joke
Security guy: Where you from?
Tourist: Amsterdam.
Security guy, gesturing broadly to the view: This was once all yours!
--Empire State Building
From The Girls Next Door Outtakes
Guy: Daaamn, you da prettiest girl I seen all month. Come over here an' talk to me.
Chick: Oh?
Guy: Shit, I'ma call you 'Miss September.'
--151 Amsterdam
Overheard by: craps under my window
This Year Fellatio Is the New Black
Guy #1: What time are we going to beat off?
Guy #2: What, together? Midnight, of course!
Guy #1, exasperated: No, not together! That's so last year!
--6th & 1st
New York Is Full of Women with Identical Scowls
Hobo #1, to chick passerby: Hey! Good morning! You should smile more -- you're beautiful!
Hobo #2: She's not that pretty.
Hobo #1: I beg to differ!
Hobo #2: Hey, man, if you want to go worship her preppy ass, go for it, but she's not that special.
--Tompkins Square Park
Pretend to Enjoy It and You Can Have the Whole Cup
Boyfriend: Mmmm... Coffee...
Preggers girlfriend: What?! You got coffee? Give me a sip...
Boyfriend: No, baby... No caffeine for you...
Preggers girlfriend, trying to wrestle cup away: Just a sip? Pleeease?!
Boyfriend: No! Bad for the baby...
Preggers girlfriend: I'll suck your dick for a sip! [Boyfriend immediately hands the cup over.]
--Times Square
Overheard by: Mike
The Lady Doth Protest Too Much
Girl to spastic friend: I knew you were going to hump me!
Woman passerby: I have no desire to hump you.
--12th & 2nd
Remember How I Taught You to Fight Back with Knives?
Yuppie mom: We're never riding the subway again.
Little girl: Why?
Yuppie mom: Everyone keeps hitting you on the head.
Little girl: So? I love the subway.
Yuppie mom: Well, the subway doesn't love you.
--Times Square
Sailing Across a Sweet Rainbow of LSD and Frappuccinos
Cashier: And how are you today?
Girl with arm in sling, brightly: Hopped up on prescription painkillers. And yourself?
--Barnes & Noble, 7th Ave, Park Slope
Is He Still Waiting for That Mountain to Come to Him?
Cashier #1: Ugh, I can't stand Muhammad.
Cashier #2: I don't mind him. He dumb.
--Duane Reade, 49th & 9th
They'll Have Their Own Reality Show within a Year
Black lady: Listen, you camel jockey, I don't care what you say, you was wrong to do that!
Middle Eastern man: Oh, shut up, you stupid nigga! I'm tired of hearing your shit! Go fuck yourself!
Black woman passerby: Oh my god, who the hell are you to be talking to my beautiful black sister like that?! You ain't got no right to talk to anybody black like that!
Black lady: Bitch, who the shit are you? Don't be talkin' to my husband like that!
--W 4th St station
Overheard by: Mawg Spawn
I Like Being Able to Fast-Forward
Nerd chick: So, are you gonna see Ahmadinejad speak today, or go to the rally or anything?
Bimbette: Nah... I thought maybe I would, but then I realized I could totally just wait 'til it comes out on YouTube or whatever. It's like, why even bother?
--Barnard College
Overheard by: Vicksburg
And I Told You, It's Called a "Cock," Sweetie
Five-year-old boy pointing at large statue of naked man: Look how small his whizzer is, Mommy!
Mother: It's not nice to point, Jake.
Five-year-old boy: But he's not a real person... Look how small it is!
--Time Warner Center Mall
I Launder It with My Money
Woman: Do you smell that? That's the smell of crime and corruption.
Man: That's the smell of my underwear.
--Union Square
Um, That's Ethan Hawke.
Mother: Put your shirt back on, or I won't take you bowling.
Son: Am I funny, Mom?
Mother: No, honey, you're strange... like that homeless man there.
--14th & Broadway
Overheard by: Ed
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