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And Those Squiggly Things That Aren't Letters
College freshman: I think I'm going to minor in Accounting. Does that sound good?
Friend: Well, do you like stuff like that?
College freshman: Wait... What is Accounting?
Friend: It's, like, spreadsheets.
College freshman: Oh, cool.
--PATH
... So Could You Please Go Buy a Tourniquet?
Dad: It just seems silly. Why risk a lot for a little?
Teen son: It's not a little, it's my life!
--14th & 6th
Yeah, What's More Natural Than Caulk?
Woman #1: I'm getting my breasts done again next week.
Woman #2: Oh, really?
Woman #1: Yeah, I'm going to go with silicone this time... It's so natural.
Woman #2: Oh, I know what you mean...
--Restroom, 53rd & 3rd
Overheard by: in the stall
Shortest Law & Order Episode Ever
Bag lady: Please, can someone help me? Call 911...
Cop: You're talking to a goddamn cop! Are you fucking retarded?
--Times Square
And Willing to Share Her Meth
Guy: So, Rob slept with that trailer trash chick last night.
Girl: Holy shit! Which one?
Guy: The meth-head-looking one. You don't think she looks like total trailer trash?
Girl: Oh my god, she had trailer trash oozing out of her fucking pores!
Guy: So why were you talking to her half the night?
Girl: Whatever. She was really nice.
--Terrace table, Blue Water Grill, Union Square
Overheard by: ebizzle
Outside, They Stepped in Flaming Bum Dung
Tourist woman #1, staring up at glass elevators in atrium: Oh my god, look at that!
Tourist woman #2, gasping: Oh my god!
Tourist woman #3: Wow! Will you look at that!
Tourist woman #2: They got those lights on 'em! It's like The Matrix or something!
Tourist woman #1: Where's Martha*?
Tourist woman #2: I think she's over looking out the window.
Tourist woman #1: Okay... I guess we should go get her. [All stare silently for a moment.]
Tourist woman #3, reluctantly tearing her eyes away: Come on.
Tourist woman #1: Yeah, okay. Wow.
Tourist woman #2: Yeah.
--8th floor lounge, Marriott Marquis, Times Square
Overheard by: Rose Fox
Lesson One: Don't Sleep with People You Dislike
Preggers: So, are you going to change your phone number?
Baby daddy: Probably.
Preggers: Well, then how can I tell you about the appointments and such?
Baby daddy: You have three of my e-mail addresses.
Preggers: It's not my responsibility to e-mail you when all of this stuff is.
Baby daddy: But you were going to text me when they were? What the fuck?! [Walks away.]
--Times Square
Overheard by: Bastard children rule!
Hard to Miss
Dude: It's Kurt Cobain's birthday soon.
Grungy hipster girl: Reeeally?
Skinny frat boy: Too bad he shot himself in the head.
Dude: Haha, yeah. Shotgun!
--New School dorm
Overheard by: Cameron
For Thousands of Years
Thug: Damn, girl! What, you got some Irish blood in you?
Girl: Um, no...
Thug: Then what kind you got?
Girl: I'm Jewish.
Thug: Them Jews got it goin' on!
--14th & 9th
It Wasn't Even Wii Rollerblading!
Shaggy high school boy: I totally saw her roller blading on my block.
Shaggy high school girl: Oh my god, she would be roller blading.
--Calhoun School, 81st & West End
Overheard by: Booters
He Ran the Gamut from Supercilious to Disdainful
Girl: I met this guy last summer... He was French...
Guy: That means he was gay?
--1 train
Overheard by: olga torrey
Birds of a Feather...
Guy #1: Which came first, the chicken or the egg?
Guy #2: That's hard, man. I've never been good at science.
Guy #3: Me neither.
--6th Ave
Overheard by: Bored at the Office
I Think You Should Listen to the Question Again
Girl: Oh, has your ear been penetrated?
Boy: It's called 'pierced,' Maddie, not 'penetrated.' Pierced.
--Central Park
I Wrote about This on my Application Essay
Dude #1, burping loudly: I know you're gassy if you have to fart a lot, but what are you if you have to burp a lot?
Dude #2: Same thing, in the opposite direction.
--Columbia University
Overheard by: Wiley Willis
No -- And for Religious Reasons
Hipster #1: Have we had the bar mitzvah conversation yet?
Hipster #2: I thought you were a Mexican?
Hipster #1: I'm Brazilian. And Jewish.
Hipster #2: Are you fucking with me?
--Williamsburg
Perhaps Not for You
Crazy old man selling bubble guns: Welcome to Coney Island!
Emo teen: This isn't Coney Island!
--14th & Broadway
Overheard by: smirkingonlooker
Sometimes We Even Have Sex
Dude #1: Lots of people tell me I'm the gayest straight man they know.
Dude #2: Mmmm... No, I know a gayer straight guy than you.
--F station, Bergen St
Overheard by: Rose Fox
Americans and Their Incomprehensible English
Tall foreign model #1: ... And we nicknamed each other's, you know, junk...
Tall foreign model #2: Really? What does he call yours?
Tall foreign model #1: He keeps calling it 'Gina' -- I don't get why.
Tall foreign model #2: Huh.
--12th & 4th
Hey, I Didn't Vote for Him
Loud woman: That nigga stupid!
Friend: You right.
Loud woman: Nah, he worse than stupid. That nigga retarded! Re-tar-ded!
Friend: He didn't even get good grades in college!
--F train
... Not to Mention Non-Jews
Hipster #1: So, everybody is moving to Park Slope.
Hipster #2: Who's everybody?
Hipster #1: I don't know... Jews...
--Williamsburg, Brooklyn
Overheard by: Emily
Upon Hearing This, Several New Yorkers Burst into Flames
Elderly tourist: This place is amazing. Exactly like Louisville.
Female companion: Yep. New York's just like Louisville.
--W 4th & Greene
But What Else Do We Know about Ann Coulter?
Girl #1: She's such a fucking bitch.
Girl #2: She's such a motherfucking bitch.
Girl #1: Yeah, but she's hot.
Girl #2: Yeah, she's really fucking hot.
--7th & Ave A
This Reality Show Has Gone Way Off Script
Crackhead: Excuse me, miss, but you don't look so good. Are you okay?
Hot, drunk chick vomiting in a trashcan: I'm supposed to be asking you that!
--66th St, Lincoln Center station
Demolition of My Conscience Is Almost Complete
Law student #1: How was your summer?
Law student #2: Off the hook. Italy is the third fucking world. Poverty kicks ass when you don't have to deal with it, like, every day.
--Mercer & 3rd
Wanna See Me Stop My Heart?
Girl #1: Oh, look, they have yoga.
Girl #2: Yeah, but it's all 'Breathe in, breathe out.' I hate that shit.
--Shake Shack line, Madison Square Park
Overheard by: Jacqui
Um... Nail Gun!
Customer: Got anything to kill a mouse?
Clerk: Hammer!
Customer: Yeah, tried that.
--True Value Hardware Store, Carroll Gardens
Overheard by: I Prefer A Circular Saw
They'll Have Their Own Reality Show within a Year
Man yelling from upper floor: Bitch! You lucky I can't come down there and beat yo' ass!
Woman yelling up from street: That's why yo' ass is in there!
--Brooklyn House of Detention for Men
Overheard by: Jimbo Jones
We're Too Weird to Be Racist
White man to another: Before he shows up, you should probably know this guy's a top 100 digger.
Black man: What'd you call me?!
White man: Uh, I just said... We're nerds. It means we're nerds.
--Starbucks, Astor Pl
It All Started with That Damn Gene Kelly Movie
Thug #1: Look at all them people with umbrellas.
Thug #2: They all a bunch of chumps.
Thug #1: The only reason they have umbrellas is peer pressure!
--45th & Lex
Overheard by: EthanK
Is It Your Time of the Month, Josh?
Female clerk: Do we have Skinny Bitch down here?
Queer clerk: Oh, I don't know. What does she look like?
Female clerk: It's a book.
Queer clerk: Oh, we have books here, too.
--Barnes & Noble
But Isn't That Malt Liquor in Your Carriage?
Black woman with baby carriage to people trying to push in: What's the matter with you mothafuckahs? Are the goddamn stairs broken?
Old black man: You take the stairs, bitch! I'm a veteran! I fought for my goddamn country, and now you won't make room for me in a goddamn elevator?! [Doors close, leaving old black man out.]
Black woman with baby carriage: Fuck his old ass. Women and children first.
--Civil Court, 141 Livingston St, Brooklyn
Overheard by: Big Larry
But Haven't That Collie's Tits Been through Enough?
Girl: What are you doing later?
Guy: Well, I was gonna go home, eat something, do some schoolwork, and then smoke some weed and do some coke. Want some?
Girl: Absolutely.
Guy: Really?
Girl: Only if we can do lines off Lina's* tits.
Guy: ... Oh my god, I want to date you.
--The Met
Along with Blue Balls and Shame
NYU brat #1: So, did you guys end up hooking up, or what?
NYU brat #2: Yeah, we dry-humped for, like, an hour.
NYU brat #1: Dry-humped?! What are we, back in, like, eighth grade?
NYU brat #2: What, you haven't heard? Dry-humping is sooo back in.
--NYU
Overheard by: CK
They Jerk Their Meat
Puerto Rican girl #1: I really hate the way she eats.
Puerto Rican girl #2: Yeah, but she's Jamaican. You know how they are.
--Bergen St, Brooklyn
Overheard by: Dumbfounded
Headline by: Gutterlush
Runners-Up:
· "At Least She Isn't Dominican." - Jon
· "Even Their Chickens Are Jerks." - Howard Bannister
· "Psychic?" - Beryl
· "Racism! It's What's For Dinner" - Goldielox
· "You're Just Jealous You Can't Use Your Dreads As a Fork" - Chels
Click here to see the new Headline Contest
And Who Makes Me Look Thin
Girl #1: Oh my god, my roommate is so weird. She keeps farting, but I don't smell anything.
Girl #2: She must be anorexic.
Girl #1: True! I didn't think of that. I'm so glad I'm friends with someone that got a scholarship!
--Starbucks, 51st & Broadway
Overheard by: Or she's bullemic.
Yes, Towering Mountains Sprouting before Me
Teen daughter: So, is this what you saw?
Mother: What?
Teen daughter: Is this what you saw when you took estrogen?
--Summer of Love: Art of the Psychedelic Era, Whitney Museum
Overheard by: flowerchild
She Photographs the Dinosaurs As a Reminder to Wear Moisturizer
JAP mom, looking at diorama of Neanderthals: Amanda was taking pictures of them before...
JAP daughter: It must be her goal weight.
--Museum of Natural History
Ultralubricated Wednesday One-Liners with a Reservoir Tip
Curly-haired chick: Your condom consumption should not intimidate people.
--Morningside Heights
Overheard by: Wild Dog Boy
Woman: He bought a car? With seven grand you buy condoms... or a house. But a car?
--6 train
Overheard by: Sabrina
Girl on cell: So I'm just at the pharmacy picking up a prescription... [Lowers voice] You know, my pills... What? My pills! You know, those pills I take so that I don't get pregnant when your dumb ass busts inside me!
--Duane Reade, 34th & Park
Overheard by: Laughing my dumb ass off
Perky girl to friend: Yeah, and then he said, 'What the heck?' and flung the condom across the room.
--Astor Pl
20-ish chick: The ribs do nothing for me, but I buy 'Her pleasure' condoms for political reasons.
--Williamsburg
Overheard by: Ursula & Winifred
Young girl, panicky: Do you know where I can find the morning-after pill?!
--CVS
Over 1 Billion Wednesday One-Liners Served
Guy to friend: Yo! I'm mad hungry! I want some anus! [Passengers stare.] ... Awww, shit! I meant that shit from McDonald's -- angus! Angus!
--4 train
Enthusiastic queer: This train smells like McDonald's! Someone's being a chubby chicken!
--Queens-bound N train
Overheard by: Onion
Hobo: Just so you know, they don't got liquor stores in heaven. They don't got no McDonald's, neither.
--1 train
Overheard by: Galen
Girl on cell: He's obsessed with America's Next Top Model... And he watches What Not to Wear... What? No... Mom, he said that McDonald's fries are his weakness, but they go straight to his thighs! How much gayer do you need him to be?!
--Pratt Institute
Mom to crying kid in stroller: Well, if you don't want McDonald's, I don't know what I can get you.
--207th & Broadway
Wednesday One-Liners Lick Themselves with Noisy Enthusiasm
Man walking dog: Yo, take a shit right here.
--Houston & Mangin
Overheard by: How about a little to the left?
Woman to her gang-banging pug dog: Everyone can have love together!
--Prospect Park
Overheard by: riana
Man to Yorkie, tugging at leash outside porn shop: You don't want to go in there. Nothing you could use in there... Hmmm, except maybe the rubber goods.
--28th & 8th
Overheard by: Chuckell
Upset man to black lab walking sheepishly beside him: They didn't want you in there because you're black, and they should have the guts to say so! We should go back to that fucking place and burn it down! [Pats pooch on head.] Good girl. You're a good girl. [They start walking away again, and man mutters to himself] Motherfuckers.
--W 4th St
Is It Hot in Here, or Is It You, Wednesday One-Liners?
Man to scantily clad girl passerby: Yo, can I get your number? Can I text message you? Can I e-mail you? Somethin'? [As she walks away] Can I be your socks?
--Times Square
Overheard by: Nicole
70-year-old man to 20-something jogger: Good morning. Would you like to wrestle in the grass over there?
--Riverside Park
Drunken Don Juan: Hey... Miss... Miss... Ah... Is your husband... Is your husband married?
--Prospect Pl & Classon, Brooklyn
Overheard by: sweet tea
Drunk guy to girl: You have nice toes. I want to put them in my mouth.
--St. Mark's & 2nd Ave
Creepy guy to hot blonde, after trying to pick her up: I'm not trying to hit on you. I just want to be your friend on Facebook.
--78th & Columbus
Wednesday Catches a Bad Case of One-Liners
Crazy man: Now, you probably don't know this, but most of y'all have diabetes.
--1 train
Overheard by: bildita
Tall, skinny suit to lady suit: ... What's your sick policy? I was like, 'Stay the fuck away from me, and don't get me sick -- that's our sick policy!'
--13th & University
Overheard by: Dave D
Chick: I'da killed him if it wasn't for that damn leukemia.
--9th & Smith St station
Dude: Can you get carpel tunnel of the butt?
--17th & 6th
Girl on cell: I'm like a virus. I never go away. I go away for a little bit, and you think you're clear, and then I come back and take over your body.
--33rd & 30th, Astoria
Overheard by: brigid
Every Little Wednesday One-Liner Helps
Crazy hobo to passing Fordham students: Y'all crazy motherfuckers pay 40 grand a year to get a damn education. Y'all don't need no education. Pay 40 grand to get me food! Hell, I'll take four dollars! Look at me -- I got no education, and I turned out just fine.
--Fordham University, Lincoln Center
Overheard by: one of those mothafuckers
Wheelbo: I don't care what they say, I promise you I'll pay you back.
--Battery Park
Overheard by: MBS
Hobo: I need money for alcohol, drugs, and a hooker... Hey, at least I'm not bullshitting you.
--35th & 4th
Hobo, as girl nearby drops her Vogue: Oh, no! Somebody dropped their Torah!
--E train
Hobo, to passing suit: Hey, asshole, why don't you get a job like everyone else, and stop taking my money?!
--34th & 8th
Wednesday One-Liners Do Dallas
Hobo: I was an extra in the movie [inaudible] Times Square, man! Did you see it? I was the one down on my knees screaming, 'I'm a born-again porno addict!'
--N train
Man on cell: Yo, dude, I don't know what to get! They got all kinds of shit in there!
--Outside adult video store, 14th & 6th
Overheard by: Sarah
Hot chick on cell: Why are you so stressed?! This sounds like a good thing! Don't be so serious about it! It'll be okay! Here, did you know there's an animal rights group called 'Porn Stars for Pups'?
--The Black Sheep
Overheard by: Argopelter
Guy on cell, pushing by couple with baby in stroller: I'm not going to California! I pay her twelve hundred dollars per hour. If she doesn't sleep with Niko, then fire her! I lost a hundred thirty-eight fucking grand yesterday! Tell her what to do, and deal with it!
--Horatio & Hudson
Overheard by: Stephen Lindsay
Angry girl to friend: Seriously, Chris, can't we go one day without talking about shizer porn?!
--East Village
Wednesday One-Liners Will Bring the Keg
Black tween girl: So, Jared was like, 'What? You want a pizza party?' and I said, 'No, I want a party that I can pop, lock, and drop in.' And then she goes, 'Girl, I can pop and lock, but if I drop, I'll drop.
--59th & Lex N/R/W stop
Overheard by: koala
Drunk guy on cell: What? Yeah, it's always a great party... Hmmm... Let me think of who I have to sleep with to get you an invite...
--34th & 3rd
20-ish chick: I was telling the girls about how his cock unfurls like one of those party blowers, and then they happened to have those blowers at the New Year's Eve party we went to, so I tormented them with one all night.
--Columbia University
Overheard by: McFreaky
Late-30s guy: I'm the kind of guy who goes to parties and brags about my perky corneas.
--House party, S 8th St, Williamsburg
Overheard by: Ursula & Winifred
Guy on cell: Well, the funeral was Tuesday... Yeah, the party was that night.
--10th & 2nd
Overheard by: Suzz
Barbie type to tourist pals: It sucks -- you guys are like two weeks late to party with Heath Ledger.
--2nd Ave, between E 6th & E 7th St
Overheard by: Ben
Two Thumbs Up for Wednesday One-Liners
Hobo: Ladies and gentlemen, I'm not gonna lie to you -- I'm broke, homeless, and I really wanna see Big Momma's House 2. Please spare some change.
--F train
Overheard by: benny
20-ish chick: Why is Jason Bateman in a movie called Mr. Magorium's Wonder Emporium? This ruins all of my fantasies.
--Harlem
Overheard by: Ladle
Diner: Yo, 'hyena' -- I know how that's spelled. H-Y-H-E-E-N-A. High-heena! I know that shit. I saw The Lion King.
--IHOP, Staten Island
Overheard by: explosivo
Ghetto white girl: She never even saw Breakfast at Tiffany's until I lent it to her... Tryin' to act like that's her shit...
--B train
Young Socrates: Yo, son, Saw II is the ill philosophic reference.
--Brooklyn College
Overheard by: fival went east
Flight attendant: Attention, passengers, please turn your attention to channel 30. Caddyshack is on!
--LaGuardia<