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I Mean, What Would You Do Out of the Ordinary?
Guy #1: So, what would you do if Superman were real and flew in through your room window?
Guy #2: You mean, besides having my feet behind my ears?
--Loews Theatre, Lincoln Square
Overheard by: Shea
By Citing "Highly Placed Administration Officials"
Guy #1: You said she's a slut.
Guy #2: Yeah, but I didn't mean that. You can't just quote me verbatim!
Guy #1: Wait, what?
Guy #3: Hahaha! How else can he quote you if it's not verbatim?!
--Columbia University
I Looked Into The Abyss, and It Shit Itself
Geek: Well, she was dog-sitting and the dog died. The family, I guess, was someplace where they couldn't get home, so she had to take care of it.
Dude: Take care of it?
Geek: Well, she was in Boston but didn't have a car and didn't know what to do with it because she couldn't carry it, so she put it in a rolling suitcase to take it to the vet. On her way there, some guy saw her struggling with the bag and offered to help her carry it. When they were almost to the vet he asked what was in the bag, and, because I guess she didn't think she could tell him that there was a dead dog in the bag, she said, 'Electronics!' Apparently, he looked at her, looked at the bag, punched her in the face, and ran off with the dog! Can you fucking believe it?! He stole the dead dog!
Quiet friend: ... Did she have a black eye?
Dude: I can't wait to talk to her when we get back to Boston so I can make fun of her! [Later...] I swear to God, if some girl I was fucking got knocked up, I would kill myself. Well, I would kill myself and then I would punch her in the face... Fuck, if she got pregnant, I would tear that baby out with a fork!
--Metro-North, New Haven line
You Keep Going Back to the Womb
Musician: Oh, so this past tour -- you're gonna laugh.
Friend: Yeah?
Musician: This past tour I went skinny dipping in hotel pools three times. The water's really warm, and the lights have to be off, but they leave the doors open.
Friend: That is so you.
--Manny's Music Store, 48th & Broadway
Overheard by: Spidoodle
Can You?
Store clerk #1: Our manager is a B-I-C-T-C-H.
Store clerk #2: Yeah, because our customers can't spell or anything...
--H&M, 34th St
Transaction Complete -- Resuming Human Nature
Cashier: Do you want some hot sauce?
TV junkie, loudly: What?!
Cashier: Do you want some hot sauce?
TV junkie: Yeah!
Cashier, handing over hot sauce: Have a nice day.
TV junkie: Ohhh-kay!
Cashier, under breath: Douchebag.
--Taco Bell, Roosevelt & Main St
We Should Tell Them
Bimbette #1: God, people in Midtown are sooo ugly.
Bimbette #2: Yeah, I know.
Bimbette #1: It's probably because, like, 85 percent are tourists.
Bimbette #2: Oh my god, I know! Tourists are so ugly.
--Times Square
We Took the Trail to Get Here
College girl #1: Which way to the Eiffel Tower?
Suit, puzzled, pointing East: That way?
College girl #2: How far is it?
Suit: ... About three thousand miles.
College girl #1: No! No! [Makes peak with fingertips of both hands.] The... Eiffel... Tower!
Suit: Yeah, that way about three thousand miles -- across the Atlantic Ocean -- in Paris.
College girl #2, also making peak with hands: No! No! It's a... It's a... The Empire State Building!
Suit, pointing at looming Empire State Building: The Empire State Building is right there.
College girl #2: You have to excuse us -- we're from Oregon.
--45th & 5th
Ultimately, Knowing What Kind of Head It Was Proved to Be of Little Comfort
Girl #1: Ewww! Boar's Head!
Girl #2: That's the brand.
Girl #1: Oh.
--Food Emporium, 68th & Broadway
Overheard by: thea
If You Make It Back, It Means You're in the Fraternity
Conductor: Could the loud and rowdy passengers please calm down? We ask that passengers on the train respect the other riders.
Sailor #1: Fuck you! Fuck you! I don't give a fuck what you say. I do whatever I want.
Sailor #2: Wait, what if he gets mad and, like, drops us off in a different state?!
--6 train
Scenes from KKK Film School
Mom: Get off that damn railing before you fall and your head busts open like a watermelon!
Kid #1: Watermelon? You're gonna be a watermelon!
Kid #2: I love watermelon!
--Clinton Hill, Brooklyn
Overheard by: blackbuttoneyes
Super Heroine Struggles to Harness Mind-Clouding Powers
Chick #1: I just gave that woman a really sensual look, and I didn't mean to.
Chick #2: Yeah, I saw. That was creepy.
Chick #1: I hope there was no confusion.
--Warren & Court, Brooklyn
Less Pussy, More Bitchy
Dude: Is this a petting zoo sort of thing?
Chick: No. It's a dog park sort of thing.
--Union Square dog park
Overheard by: tanechka
Time to Revisit Preemptive Sterilization
Tween girl #1: What? Seriously? You are so dumb. D-O-M!
Tween girl #2: It's D-O-M-B! Are you kidding?!
--57th & 5th
Another Fine New York Tradition
Fat guy, caught illegally parked to buy and gobble a hot dog: It's a New York Tradition.
Cop: Move your car, or that's going to be a hundred and fifty dollar hot dog.
--Grey's Papaya, 8th Ave
They May Have Earned It
Hobo #1: 'Nigger' is the new 'fuck.'
Hobo #2: Say what, nigga?
Hobo #1: I say 'nigger' is the new 'fuck.'
Hobo #2: What you talkin' 'bout, muthafuckah?
Hobo #1: Used to be, you wanna shock people, you say 'fuck.' 'Fuck' don't shock nobody no mo'. E'rybody say 'fuck' now. But you say 'nigger' and motherfuckers be divin' under tables, people lose they jobs, lawsuits be flyin' every which-a-way...
Hobo #2: That's only white people, man.
--E 157th & Walton, Bronx
Overheard by: Big Larry
Ever Notice How Your Dad Listens to Barry Manilow?
Five-year-old girl: ... And then he changed seats!
Nanny: Why are you obsessing?
Five-year-old girl: Because boys are weird.
Nanny: Boys will always be weird.
--29th & Park
Overheard by: Adam Nathan
The Judges Savaged His Last Performance
Four-year-old girl on tricycle: Why don't you make more babies?
Yuppie mother: Because Daddy made you and your brother, and he thinks he did a pretty good job.
Four-year-old girl: But Mommy, do you want to make more babies?
Yuppie mother: Well, it takes two to tango!
Yuppie father: [Silence.]
--23rd & 8th
Coffee for People Who've Given Up Achievement
Woman: Oh, you got an iced coffee? Where do they sell those around here?
Man: This is actually Hennessey.
--Church Ave
Overheard by: Rez
... Or a Swift Punch in the Mouth? Choose Wisely.
Guy: I'll buy M&Ms.
Kid selling candy: Two dollars.
Guy: So, what year are you in school, bro?
Kid selling candy: Two dollars.
Guy: Do you like school? Are you doing well?
Kid selling candy: [Silence.]
Guy: Well, when I was your age, I didn't like school either, but just hang in there. Look at me -- I worked hard and got to play college football.
Kid selling candy: Do you want the M&Ms?
--Sheep Meadow
But after All That Nitrous We Just Did, It's Really Irrelevant
Woman: I'm glad it's starting soon. I could use some laugh therapy.
Friend: Um, it's not really a funny play...
Woman: Yeah -- I was kidding.
Friend: Oh.
--Waiting to see King Lear, The Public Theater
Overheard by: could use it, too
Must... Resist... Venn Diagram... Headline
Hipster guy: I don't like him. He's a douchebag.
Hipster girl: I said he was a nice guy. I didn't say he wasn't a douchebag.
--M1 bus
Overheard by: Kinda Nice Guy
Which Requires a Strong Core
Queer: I do Pilates now!
Girl: Jesus Christ, you are such a homo.
--Bryant Park
Dude, She's from Jersey -- Don't Fuck with Her
Drunk NYU kid #1: Hey, sweet dog.
Janeane Garofalo: Oh, thank you.
Drunk NYU kid #2: Bro, that was Janeane Garofalo.
Drunk NYU kid #1: Really? Hey, are you Janeane Garofalo?
Janeane Garofalo: Yes.
--8th & University
Overheard by: persiangroove
The Sculpture's Called "Born Disappointed"
Girl looking at giant sculpture of baby just out of the womb: Is that a penis, Mommy?
Mother: No. That's an umbilical cord, not a penis.
--Brooklyn Museum
You Don't Expect It to Rise Up Like That
Forklift operator #1: How's it going, James?
Forklift operator #2: These boxes of matzah just ain't cooperatin'.
--NYC Food Bank
Overheard by: Shane Hoffman
And Do You Feel Like Spending More Time Hustling Today?
Little boy, excitedly: Can we go to Chelsea Piers again?!
Mom: No. That would require having money.
--11th & Ave B
Mrs. Newton Discovers the Gravity of the Situation
Guy, about article on divorced lesbians: They are coming out all over.
Lady: It's gotten so you are afraid to sit under a tree.
--Elevator, 1250 Broadway
But First Can We Talk about How There Are No Batteries in This Park?
Tourist #1: This artist is just making crap up. He's painting shit that isn't even there.
Tourist #2: What?
Tourist #1: See that skyline he's working on? He's painted in two skyscrapers that aren't even there!
Tourist #2: Fuck, he heard you -- run!
--Battery Park
Overheard by: kiwibloke
... To the Bible Section
Daughter: Oh, Mom! Look, there goes all those comic books kids are reading.
Mother: That's a cult. Hurry up the escalator.
--Comic book section, Borders, 33rd & 7th
If Only We Could Figure Out How to Smoke It
Frat boy #1: I'm so glad we have this place!
Frat boy #2: I love cheese!
--Department of Cheese, Westside Market, 110th & Broadway
Overheard by: D-Law
The Baker's Depressed Again
Customer: What kind of muffins do you have?
Waitress with thick accent: Um... Normal muffins? You know... Brown.
--Diner, Upper West Side
So I'm the Only Girl He's Ever Dated
Chick #1: Isn't he, like, really possessive?
Chick #2: Well, he's a computer engineer.
--'SNice Restaurant
Japan? Taiwan? Canada?
Woman #1: Where are you from?
Woman #2: Hong Kong.
Woman #1: What kind of Asia is that? Korea?
--N train
Headline by: Sam K.
Runners-Up:
· "And What Kind Of Alabama Are You From?" - Coyoty
· "Everywhere Like Such As and China" - Caro
· "Her Label Reads "Made in NYC Schools"" - cthonian
· "Is Our Children Learning II: The Adult Years" - Vasyl
· "Now I Fuck You Up Long Time" - Steve
· "The Oriental Kind" - alan b hutscar
· "Why Rosie O'Donnell Shouldn't Ride the Subway" - Howard Bannister
Click here to see the new Headline Contest
From Eye Fucking?
Chick #1: Can you hand me my eye drops? They're in my bag.
Dude: What do you need them for?
Chick #1: My eye-ritis.
Dude: Wait... Eye-ritis? Like arthritis?
Chick #1: Yeah...
Chick #2: Guess how she got it? She slapped herself! [Laughs.]
Chick #1: And now I probably have AIDS.
--Columbia University
Overheard by: Noah Tizzle
Expect a Bit of Drama
Chick: So, wait -- he's dating her?
Dude: Yeah...
Chick: But he lives with his ex-boyfriend?
Dude: Of 13 years. Yes.
Chick: Hmmm.
--Ace Bar, 5th St, between Ave A & B
Overheard by: santa's boy toy
You Guys Have Running Water Yet?
Man: Yeah, I'm from the middle of nowhere in Pennsylvania.
Professor: Oh? Do you commute here?
Man: No, sir... It's over a seven-hour drive.
Professor: Oh, yes... Right. Pennsylvania...
--W 12th St, New School
Overheard by: CARA!
What Would Anti-Semites Do without Wednesday One-Liners?
Modern orthodox girl: ... And I was like, 'Why should I be considerate? He doesn't even keep kosher!'
--Barnard College
Overheard by: Considerate of non-shellfish eaters and shellfish eaters alike
Guy on cell: Well, I'm only Jewish by injection...
--82nd & Madison
Overheard by: I'm only Catholic because I took a pill...
Woman: I think I'm just too Jewish for yoga.
--Park Slope
20-ish girl on cell: I mean, Jesus Christ! The Jews in the RV just won't leave me alone!
--St. Mark's & Ave B
Overheard by: Also accosted by the mitzvah tank
Man on cell: How did I pull off that deal? I'm a Jew, and that means I have powers over money that a dumb goyim like you can only dream of. It's like Jewish superhero powers. Just call me 'Super Jew.'
--Near Madison Square Garden
Overheard by: Lesbian Whisperer
Little boy: Uhhh, half New Yorkish and, uhhh, half Jewish -- is that what I am, Mom? Half New Yorkish and half Jewish?
--Rockefeller Center
Overheard by: Rosie
Hey, Wednesday One-Liners, Cold Enough for You?
Woman on Bluetooth: How's the weather like in your New York?
--33rd & Broadway
Old lady: Geez! Man! It is really cold here! [Looks at other lady] This is why I live in Brooklyn!
--96th & Broadway
Brit tourist to another: Eeee, I knew it were gonna be cold, but I forgot we'd have to, like, go outside.
--Central Park
Overheard by: birdw0rks
Chick on cell: Why can't you pick me up, Dad? ... I don't want to wait for the bus -- it's too cold out... Okay, thanks. See you later. [Hangs up phone.] Asshole.
--Bronx-bound 4 train
Overheard by: Sternie
Queer hipster: It's gonna be cold this weekend. Like, negative four or negative zero.
--Essex Restaurant, LES
Pilot: Welcome aboard our plane this afternoon, with direct service to Atlanta. The current weather in Atlanta is actually colder than it is here, so it sucks to be you.
--LaGuardia
Overheard by: jaybrrd
Lifestyles of the Wednesday One-Liners and Famous
Rich girl to friend: I couldn't decide between the Marc Jacobs sweater and the Dior jacket. It was like Sophie's Choice.
--Outside NYU dorm
Rich lady on phone: Uh-huh, uh-huh, but what if we just put the tennis court where the house was? ... Okay, okay, what if we demolish the existing tennis court and make that area the guest house again? Or create a glassed-in structure over the court instead?
--Madison Square Garden
Overheard by: mkp-hearts-nyc
Man lunching with friend: I mean, I never lost a million dollars before.
--55th & 6th Ave
Overheard by: ilegal browser
Dad to child in stroller, passing the park: What? You wanted to go in there? I thought you said you wanted to go to Marc Jacobs.
--Hudston St
Overheard by: Colleen
20-ish girl: Fuck my dad. How selfish can you be? If I want to live on West 11th, then fucking buy the flat on West 11th. Ugh. Sorry. Can I get another dirty martini?
--The Village
WASP lady: She's not even nouveau riche -- she is just nouveau!
--A Voce, 26th & Madison
Wednesday One-Liners Should Be the City's Official Animal
Bronx-born bartender: Theses mouses is gangstas up in here!
--Bar, Gramercy Park
Overheard by: Johnny Progrums
Hispanic kid in group: Gah! Not only do they have rats, but they have immigrants!
--34th St, between 7th & 8th Ave
Black queer on cell, flailing arms as rat crosses his path: Oh my god, a giant rat just went by! It was as large as a purse!
--93rd & Broadway
Woman on phone: ... So they said, 'If you found a rat, then you got a free taco...'
--92nd & Lex
Overheard by: Lost my craving for Mexican for dinner
NYU chick: Is that like a rat that masturbates?!
--Carlyle residence hall, Union Square
Overheard by: j
Do You Take This Wednesday to Be Your Lawfully Wedded One-Liner?
Grad student: Translation: Will you marry me? Or: I don't want germs.
--Columbia University
Overheard by: Ladle
Dude: ... My wedding [mumble] gonna take away my clothes, so I'm going to need a tear-away tuxedo.
--53rd & Broadway
Overheard by: Jo
Chick to another: Yeah, he's the one who wouldn't marry her because she was too pale.
--Starbucks
Blonde: ... And I'm really not sure, because he said he shouldn't unless we are married, but that it's okay, we could just do it and then he could just confess his sins or something like that...
--Broadway & Prince
Overheard by: Dan
Lesbian to group: So, what is the reason behind getting married, besides pretending to be heterosexual? Exactly -- presents!
--Party, Brooklyn
Overheard by: Jude
Wednesday One-Liners Adjust Their Tiaras
JAP getting off at Berkeley Heights: I was getting anxious about getting anxious! It was like I had anxiety about getting anxiety! What? No, the pills aren't for that. Shut up, Mom! I'll call you later.
--NJ Transit
Overheard by: embarrassed to live in jersey
JAP on cell: You know, it just goes to show you how sensitive we've become in this country to sexual misconduct and sexual... Sexual... What's the word? Being sued.
--116th & Broadway
JAP on cell: ... And then I totally just, like, bought it at Bergdorf's... No, no! Not Bloomingdale's -- Bergdorf's! You know, as in Bergdorf Cohen's?
--serendipipty
Blonde JAP: Like, this is totally tighter than my colonoscopy. Ugh!
--Crowded A train
JAP on cell: Oh, that guy? I think he lost interest in me. One day I said something about how all the girls on the Upper East Side look the same and are totally boring, and he said, 'But yeah! That's you, too!'
--83rd & 3rd
Overheard by: A&M
Are You a Boy, a Girl, or a Wednesday One-Liner?
Guy to three cute girls: You're the best looking gay guys I've seen all day!
--Christopher & Bedford
Chick to dude: You could wear a dress if you wanted to.
--Broadway
Abercrombie tot: Wait, you can't carry a boy dog in a purse. That's unnatural!
--Penn Station
Tween girl to friends: No, she's a boy now and she looks gay.
--Staten Island Ferry
Overheard by: R
Cute brunette: Who am I, forcing your lovers into a male-female dichotomy? I am terrible!
--Columbia University
Overheard by: Wild Dog Boy
Wednesday One-Liners Don't Need No Water, Let the Motherfucker Burn!
Girl on cell: So yeah, I was like, 'That is a great costume,' and then it set her hair on fire and I was like, 'That's gross.'
--CVS, 42nd & 3rd
Crazy hobo: That's right! Arrest me! I'll burn half y'all houses down... And set the other half on fire!
--Brooklyn-bound Q train
Overheard by: Incitatus
Pseudo-intellectual: She called me and told me there was a bonfire in her ovaries.
--MacDougal Street Ale House
Overheard by: Ladle
Creepster: Come here... You don't wanna know what I'm on right now. If you come home with me, I will light you on fire.
--Columbus Ave
Concerned NYU girl to boyfriend about California wildfires: Do you think Cher's house burned?!
--Water St dorm, NYU
Overheard by: michael