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I Mean, What Would You Do Out of the Ordinary?
Guy #1: So, what would you do if Superman were real and flew in through your room window?
Guy #2: You mean, besides having my feet behind my ears?
--Loews Theatre, Lincoln Square
Overheard by: Shea
By Citing "Highly Placed Administration Officials"
Guy #1: You said she's a slut.
Guy #2: Yeah, but I didn't mean that. You can't just quote me verbatim!
Guy #1: Wait, what?
Guy #3: Hahaha! How else can he quote you if it's not verbatim?!
--Columbia University
I Looked Into The Abyss, and It Shit Itself
Geek: Well, she was dog-sitting and the dog died. The family, I guess, was someplace where they couldn't get home, so she had to take care of it.
Dude: Take care of it?
Geek: Well, she was in Boston but didn't have a car and didn't know what to do with it because she couldn't carry it, so she put it in a rolling suitcase to take it to the vet. On her way there, some guy saw her struggling with the bag and offered to help her carry it. When they were almost to the vet he asked what was in the bag, and, because I guess she didn't think she could tell him that there was a dead dog in the bag, she said, 'Electronics!' Apparently, he looked at her, looked at the bag, punched her in the face, and ran off with the dog! Can you fucking believe it?! He stole the dead dog!
Quiet friend: ... Did she have a black eye?
Dude: I can't wait to talk to her when we get back to Boston so I can make fun of her! [Later...] I swear to God, if some girl I was fucking got knocked up, I would kill myself. Well, I would kill myself and then I would punch her in the face... Fuck, if she got pregnant, I would tear that baby out with a fork!
--Metro-North, New Haven line
You Keep Going Back to the Womb
Musician: Oh, so this past tour -- you're gonna laugh.
Friend: Yeah?
Musician: This past tour I went skinny dipping in hotel pools three times. The water's really warm, and the lights have to be off, but they leave the doors open.
Friend: That is so you.
--Manny's Music Store, 48th & Broadway
Overheard by: Spidoodle
Can You?
Store clerk #1: Our manager is a B-I-C-T-C-H.
Store clerk #2: Yeah, because our customers can't spell or anything...
--H&M, 34th St
Transaction Complete -- Resuming Human Nature
Cashier: Do you want some hot sauce?
TV junkie, loudly: What?!
Cashier: Do you want some hot sauce?
TV junkie: Yeah!
Cashier, handing over hot sauce: Have a nice day.
TV junkie: Ohhh-kay!
Cashier, under breath: Douchebag.
--Taco Bell, Roosevelt & Main St
We Should Tell Them
Bimbette #1: God, people in Midtown are sooo ugly.
Bimbette #2: Yeah, I know.
Bimbette #1: It's probably because, like, 85 percent are tourists.
Bimbette #2: Oh my god, I know! Tourists are so ugly.
--Times Square
We Took the Trail to Get Here
College girl #1: Which way to the Eiffel Tower?
Suit, puzzled, pointing East: That way?
College girl #2: How far is it?
Suit: ... About three thousand miles.
College girl #1: No! No! [Makes peak with fingertips of both hands.] The... Eiffel... Tower!
Suit: Yeah, that way about three thousand miles -- across the Atlantic Ocean -- in Paris.
College girl #2, also making peak with hands: No! No! It's a... It's a... The Empire State Building!
Suit, pointing at looming Empire State Building: The Empire State Building is right there.
College girl #2: You have to excuse us -- we're from Oregon.
--45th & 5th
Ultimately, Knowing What Kind of Head It Was Proved to Be of Little Comfort
Girl #1: Ewww! Boar's Head!
Girl #2: That's the brand.
Girl #1: Oh.
--Food Emporium, 68th & Broadway
Overheard by: thea
If You Make It Back, It Means You're in the Fraternity
Conductor: Could the loud and rowdy passengers please calm down? We ask that passengers on the train respect the other riders.
Sailor #1: Fuck you! Fuck you! I don't give a fuck what you say. I do whatever I want.
Sailor #2: Wait, what if he gets mad and, like, drops us off in a different state?!
--6 train
Scenes from KKK Film School
Mom: Get off that damn railing before you fall and your head busts open like a watermelon!
Kid #1: Watermelon? You're gonna be a watermelon!
Kid #2: I love watermelon!
--Clinton Hill, Brooklyn
Overheard by: blackbuttoneyes
Super Heroine Struggles to Harness Mind-Clouding Powers
Chick #1: I just gave that woman a really sensual look, and I didn't mean to.
Chick #2: Yeah, I saw. That was creepy.
Chick #1: I hope there was no confusion.
--Warren & Court, Brooklyn
Less Pussy, More Bitchy
Dude: Is this a petting zoo sort of thing?
Chick: No. It's a dog park sort of thing.
--Union Square dog park
Overheard by: tanechka
Time to Revisit Preemptive Sterilization
Tween girl #1: What? Seriously? You are so dumb. D-O-M!
Tween girl #2: It's D-O-M-B! Are you kidding?!
--57th & 5th
Another Fine New York Tradition
Fat guy, caught illegally parked to buy and gobble a hot dog: It's a New York Tradition.
Cop: Move your car, or that's going to be a hundred and fifty dollar hot dog.
--Grey's Papaya, 8th Ave
They May Have Earned It
Hobo #1: 'Nigger' is the new 'fuck.'
Hobo #2: Say what, nigga?
Hobo #1: I say 'nigger' is the new 'fuck.'
Hobo #2: What you talkin' 'bout, muthafuckah?
Hobo #1: Used to be, you wanna shock people, you say 'fuck.' 'Fuck' don't shock nobody no mo'. E'rybody say 'fuck' now. But you say 'nigger' and motherfuckers be divin' under tables, people lose they jobs, lawsuits be flyin' every which-a-way...
Hobo #2: That's only white people, man.
--E 157th & Walton, Bronx
Overheard by: Big Larry
Ever Notice How Your Dad Listens to Barry Manilow?
Five-year-old girl: ... And then he changed seats!
Nanny: Why are you obsessing?
Five-year-old girl: Because boys are weird.
Nanny: Boys will always be weird.
--29th & Park
Overheard by: Adam Nathan
The Judges Savaged His Last Performance
Four-year-old girl on tricycle: Why don't you make more babies?
Yuppie mother: Because Daddy made you and your brother, and he thinks he did a pretty good job.
Four-year-old girl: But Mommy, do you want to make more babies?
Yuppie mother: Well, it takes two to tango!
Yuppie father: [Silence.]
--23rd & 8th
Coffee for People Who've Given Up Achievement
Woman: Oh, you got an iced coffee? Where do they sell those around here?
Man: This is actually Hennessey.
--Church Ave
Overheard by: Rez
... Or a Swift Punch in the Mouth? Choose Wisely.
Guy: I'll buy M&Ms.
Kid selling candy: Two dollars.
Guy: So, what year are you in school, bro?
Kid selling candy: Two dollars.
Guy: Do you like school? Are you doing well?
Kid selling candy: [Silence.]
Guy: Well, when I was your age, I didn't like school either, but just hang in there. Look at me -- I worked hard and got to play college football.
Kid selling candy: Do you want the M&Ms?
--Sheep Meadow
But after All That Nitrous We Just Did, It's Really Irrelevant
Woman: I'm glad it's starting soon. I could use some laugh therapy.
Friend: Um, it's not really a funny play...
Woman: Yeah -- I was kidding.
Friend: Oh.
--Waiting to see King Lear, The Public Theater
Overheard by: could use it, too
Must... Resist... Venn Diagram... Headline
Hipster guy: I don't like him. He's a douchebag.
Hipster girl: I said he was a nice guy. I didn't say he wasn't a douchebag.
--M1 bus
Overheard by: Kinda Nice Guy
Which Requires a Strong Core
Queer: I do Pilates now!
Girl: Jesus Christ, you are such a homo.
--Bryant Park
Dude, She's from Jersey -- Don't Fuck with Her
Drunk NYU kid #1: Hey, sweet dog.
Janeane Garofalo: Oh, thank you.
Drunk NYU kid #2: Bro, that was Janeane Garofalo.
Drunk NYU kid #1: Really? Hey, are you Janeane Garofalo?
Janeane Garofalo: Yes.
--8th & University
Overheard by: persiangroove
The Sculpture's Called "Born Disappointed"
Girl looking at giant sculpture of baby just out of the womb: Is that a penis, Mommy?
Mother: No. That's an umbilical cord, not a penis.
--Brooklyn Museum
You Don't Expect It to Rise Up Like That
Forklift operator #1: How's it going, James?
Forklift operator #2: These boxes of matzah just ain't cooperatin'.
--NYC Food Bank
Overheard by: Shane Hoffman
And Do You Feel Like Spending More Time Hustling Today?
Little boy, excitedly: Can we go to Chelsea Piers again?!
Mom: No. That would require having money.
--11th & Ave B
Mrs. Newton Discovers the Gravity of the Situation
Guy, about article on divorced lesbians: They are coming out all over.
Lady: It's gotten so you are afraid to sit under a tree.
--Elevator, 1250 Broadway
But First Can We Talk about How There Are No Batteries in This Park?
Tourist #1: This artist is just making crap up. He's painting shit that isn't even there.
Tourist #2: What?
Tourist #1: See that skyline he's working on? He's painted in two skyscrapers that aren't even there!
Tourist #2: Fuck, he heard you -- run!
--Battery Park
Overheard by: kiwibloke
... To the Bible Section
Daughter: Oh, Mom! Look, there goes all those comic books kids are reading.
Mother: That's a cult. Hurry up the escalator.
--Comic book section, Borders, 33rd & 7th
If Only We Could Figure Out How to Smoke It
Frat boy #1: I'm so glad we have this place!
Frat boy #2: I love cheese!
--Department of Cheese, Westside Market, 110th & Broadway
Overheard by: D-Law
The Baker's Depressed Again
Customer: What kind of muffins do you have?
Waitress with thick accent: Um... Normal muffins? You know... Brown.
--Diner, Upper West Side
So I'm the Only Girl He's Ever Dated
Chick #1: Isn't he, like, really possessive?
Chick #2: Well, he's a computer engineer.
--'SNice Restaurant
Japan? Taiwan? Canada?
Woman #1: Where are you from?
Woman #2: Hong Kong.
Woman #1: What kind of Asia is that? Korea?
--N train
Headline by: Sam K.
Runners-Up:
· "And What Kind Of Alabama Are You From?" - Coyoty
· "Everywhere Like Such As and China" - Caro
· "Her Label Reads "Made in NYC Schools"" - cthonian
· "Is Our Children Learning II: The Adult Years" - Vasyl
· "Now I Fuck You Up Long Time" - Steve
· "The Oriental Kind" - alan b hutscar
· "Why Rosie O'Donnell Shouldn't Ride the Subway" - Howard Bannister
Click here to see the new Headline Contest
From Eye Fucking?
Chick #1: Can you hand me my eye drops? They're in my bag.
Dude: What do you need them for?
Chick #1: My eye-ritis.
Dude: Wait... Eye-ritis? Like arthritis?
Chick #1: Yeah...
Chick #2: Guess how she got it? She slapped herself! [Laughs.]
Chick #1: And now I probably have AIDS.
--Columbia University
Overheard by: Noah Tizzle
Expect a Bit of Drama
Chick: So, wait -- he's dating her?
Dude: Yeah...
Chick: But he lives with his ex-boyfriend?
Dude: Of 13 years. Yes.
Chick: Hmmm.
--Ace Bar, 5th St, between Ave A & B
Overheard by: santa's boy toy
You Guys Have Running Water Yet?
Man: Yeah, I'm from the middle of nowhere in Pennsylvania.
Professor: Oh? Do you commute here?
Man: No, sir... It's over a seven-hour drive.
Professor: Oh, yes... Right. Pennsylvania...
--W 12th St, New School
Overheard by: CARA!
What Would Anti-Semites Do without Wednesday One-Liners?
Modern orthodox girl: ... And I was like, 'Why should I be considerate? He doesn't even keep kosher!'
--Barnard College
Overheard by: Considerate of non-shellfish eaters and shellfish eaters alike
Guy on cell: Well, I'm only Jewish by injection...
--82nd & Madison
Overheard by: I'm only Catholic because I took a pill...
Woman: I think I'm just too Jewish for yoga.
--Park Slope
20-ish girl on cell: I mean, Jesus Christ! The Jews in the RV just won't leave me alone!
--St. Mark's & Ave B
Overheard by: Also accosted by the mitzvah tank
Man on cell: How did I pull off that deal? I'm a Jew, and that means I have powers over money that a dumb goyim like you can only dream of. It's like Jewish superhero powers. Just call me 'Super Jew.'
--Near Madison Square Garden
Overheard by: Lesbian Whisperer
Little boy: Uhhh, half New Yorkish and, uhhh, half Jewish -- is that what I am, Mom? Half New Yorkish and half Jewish?
--Rockefeller Center
Overheard by: Rosie
Hey, Wednesday One-Liners, Cold Enough for You?
Woman on Bluetooth: How's the weather like in your New York?
--33rd & Broadway
Old lady: Geez! Man! It is really cold here! [Looks at other lady] This is why I live in Brooklyn!
--96th & Broadway
Brit tourist to another: Eeee, I knew it were gonna be cold, but I forgot we'd have to, like, go outside.
--Central Park
Overheard by: birdw0rks
Chick on cell: Why can't you pick me up, Dad? ... I don't want to wait for the bus -- it's too cold out... Okay, thanks. See you later. [Hangs up phone.] Asshole.
--Bronx-bound 4 train
Overheard by: Sternie
Queer hipster: It's gonna be cold this weekend. Like, negative four or negative zero.
--Essex Restaurant, LES
Pilot: Welcome aboard our plane this afternoon, with direct service to Atlanta. The current weather in Atlanta is actually colder than it is here, so it sucks to be you.
--LaGuardia
Overheard by: jaybrrd
Lifestyles of the Wednesday One-Liners and Famous
Rich girl to friend: I couldn't decide between the Marc Jacobs sweater and the Dior jacket. It was like Sophie's Choice.
--Outside NYU dorm
Rich lady on phone: Uh-huh, uh-huh, but what if we just put the tennis court where the house was? ... Okay, okay, what if we demolish the existing tennis court and make that area the guest house again? Or create a glassed-in structure over the court instead?
--Madison Square Garden
Overheard by: mkp-hearts-nyc
Man lunching with friend: I mean, I never lost a million dollars before.
--55th & 6th Ave
Overheard by: ilegal browser
Dad to child in stroller, passing the park: What? You wanted to go in there? I thought you said you wanted to go to Marc Jacobs.
--Hudston St
Overheard by: Colleen
20-ish girl: Fuck my dad. How selfish can you be? If I want to live on West 11th, then fucking buy the flat on West 11th. Ugh. Sorry. Can I get another dirty martini?
--The Village
WASP lady: She's not even nouveau riche -- she is just nouveau!
--A Voce, 26th & Madison
Wednesday One-Liners Should Be the City's Official Animal
Bronx-born bartender: Theses mouses is gangstas up in here!
--Bar, Gramercy Park
Overheard by: Johnny Progrums
Hispanic kid in group: Gah! Not only do they have rats, but they have immigrants!
--34th St, between 7th & 8th Ave
Black queer on cell, flailing arms as rat crosses his path: Oh my god, a giant rat just went by! It was as large as a purse!
--93rd & Broadway
Woman on phone: ... So they said, 'If you found a rat, then you got a free taco...'
--92nd & Lex
Overheard by: Lost my craving for Mexican for dinner
NYU chick: Is that like a rat that masturbates?!
--Carlyle residence hall, Union Square
Overheard by: j
Do You Take This Wednesday to Be Your Lawfully Wedded One-Liner?
Grad student: Translation: Will you marry me? Or: I don't want germs.
--Columbia University
Overheard by: Ladle
Dude: ... My wedding [mumble] gonna take away my clothes, so I'm going to need a tear-away tuxedo.
--53rd & Broadway
Overheard by: Jo
Chick to another: Yeah, he's the one who wouldn't marry her because she was too pale.
--Starbucks
Blonde: ... And I'm really not sure, because he said he shouldn't unless we are married, but that it's okay, we could just do it and then he could just confess his sins or something like that...
--Broadway & Prince
Overheard by: Dan
Lesbian to group: So, what is the reason behind getting married, besides pretending to be heterosexual? Exactly -- presents!
--Party, Brooklyn
Overheard by: Jude
Wednesday One-Liners Adjust Their Tiaras
JAP getting off at Berkeley Heights: I was getting anxious about getting anxious! It was like I had anxiety about getting anxiety! What? No, the pills aren't for that. Shut up, Mom! I'll call you later.
--NJ Transit
Overheard by: embarrassed to live in jersey
JAP on cell: You know, it just goes to show you how sensitive we've become in this country to sexual misconduct and sexual... Sexual... What's the word? Being sued.
--116th & Broadway
JAP on cell: ... And then I totally just, like, bought it at Bergdorf's... No, no! Not Bloomingdale's -- Bergdorf's! You know, as in Bergdorf Cohen's?
--serendipipty
Blonde JAP: Like, this is totally tighter than my colonoscopy. Ugh!
--Crowded A train
JAP on cell: Oh, that guy? I think he lost interest in me. One day I said something about how all the girls on the Upper East Side look the same and are totally boring, and he said, 'But yeah! That's you, too!'
--83rd & 3rd
Overheard by: A&M
Are You a Boy, a Girl, or a Wednesday One-Liner?
Guy to three cute girls: You're the best looking gay guys I've seen all day!
--Christopher & Bedford
Chick to dude: You could wear a dress if you wanted to.
--Broadway
Abercrombie tot: Wait, you can't carry a boy dog in a purse. That's unnatural!
--Penn Station
Tween girl to friends: No, she's a boy now and she looks gay.
--Staten Island Ferry
Overheard by: R
Cute brunette: Who am I, forcing your lovers into a male-female dichotomy? I am terrible!
--Columbia University
Overheard by: Wild Dog Boy
Wednesday One-Liners Don't Need No Water, Let the Motherfucker Burn!
Girl on cell: So yeah, I was like, 'That is a great costume,' and then it set her hair on fire and I was like, 'That's gross.'
--CVS, 42nd & 3rd
Crazy hobo: That's right! Arrest me! I'll burn half y'all houses down... And set the other half on fire!
--Brooklyn-bound Q train
Overheard by: Incitatus
Pseudo-intellectual: She called me and told me there was a bonfire in her ovaries.
--MacDougal Street Ale House
Overheard by: Ladle
Creepster: Come here... You don't wanna know what I'm on right now. If you come home with me, I will light you on fire.
--Columbus Ave
Concerned NYU girl to boyfriend about California wildfires: Do you think Cher's house burned?!
--Water St dorm, NYU
Overheard by: michael
Wednesday One-Liners Are the New Black
Guido: I love these jeans. They're so comfy-womfy.
--R train, Court St
Teen girl: Tissues are so overrated. That's what long-sleeved shirts are for. That's why no one wears short-sleeved shirts!
--TGIFriday, 42nd St
Conductor: Down coats are very poofy. Please pull them in from the doors.
--Crowded F train
Overheard by: da sarkastik ninja.
Puking guy, using hat to catch his vomit: I don't think I'm ever gonna be able to wear this hat again. It was a good hat.
--A train
Overheard by: Joseph
Teen girl, about gift for boyfriend: Can you imagine me getting him a sweater that's too small and going, 'Oh, it's too small? I'll take it!'
--R train
Chick: She was a tasteful goth... but she was wearing a cape.
--4th & Lafayette
The Bell Tolls for Wednesday One-Liners
Chick on cell: I hope you fucking die! Die! ... Well, not like now... but someday... like, when you're eighty.. Okay, eighty-four.
--NYU
Overheard by: Kelly
Student: ... And I was all, 'Dude, don't touch my side of the cadaver!'
--Albert Einstein College of Medicine
Overheard by: BuddyblueJD
15-year-old: Look! They're dying because they suck!
--The Bucket List showing, AMC Empire 25
20-ish chick: After I died, I hardly did anything.
--45th & 3rd
Overheard by: mkr
Blonde to gal pals, on Heath Ledger: It just made me realize how real death is when even a celebrity can die!
--25th & 1st
Wednesday One-Liners Write Off Nipple Tassels on Their Income Taxes
Father to son: Well, I guess she'll just have to become a stripper...
--Times Square
Overheard by: Lezbitron
Girl on phone: I guess we should go ahead with the strippers and do it.
--Whole Foods, Columbus Circle
Overheard by: MG
Middle-aged woman: I don't know. I mean, can you put a 20 in the G-string?
--Metro-North, Harlem Line
Frat boy: Hey, man, belly dancers ain't strippers. I learned that the hard way.
--AMC Theaters, Lincoln Center
Girl to pal: Well, where do you want your ashes spread? A strip club?
--12th & 3rd
Overheard by: Talia
Be a Good Sport, Wednesday One-Liners
Conductor, on loudspeaker: Please note, you heard it here first: I'm watching the Super Bowl only for the commercials. The Giants are going to be so far ahead of... the other team... it'll be a boring game. We gonna whoop them by at least 15, 20 points. But the commercials are going to be great!
--A train
Overheard by: love this conductor!
Blind hobo to no one: You know why black basketball players are better than white ones? Because Jesus was black, so they're like Jesus!
--1 train
Black teen girl, to three teen boys: Super Bowl! Super bowl?! What the hell does that mean, 'a Super Bowl'? Didn't you ever think about how stupid that is?!
--F train, 4th Ave
Overheard by: Theresa
Eight-year-old boy: You can't have a Cowboys game without the cheerleaders. There go half the male ticket holders.
--Prospect Park, Brooklyn
Guy who is clearly not Eli Manning: What do I do? My name is Eli Manning, and I play for the New York Giants.
--Upper West Side
Guy randomly wipes out on the sidewalk, flat on his stomach with arms stretched out in front of him. Everyone stares.
Nearby cop: Safe!
--Outside Penn Station
Overheard by: Bananaphone
Oh! Well, I Love Your Little Hat.
Blonde: Wait, are you Jewish?
Brunette: No. I'm Colombian.
--96th & 5th
So They Can't Afford to Drink, Use Drugs, or Overeat
Bimbette #1, reading subway ad: 'Sleeping with your baby is dangerous, especially if you drink, use drugs or are overweight.' Hahaha!
Bimbette #2: I'm pretty sure sleeping with your baby is bad no matter what.
Bimbette #3: Except that in, like, every other country besides the United States everyone sleeps on the floor, like, on their mat, with their baby next to them.
--1 train
Overheard by: inge
When They Heard What Idiots We Were, They Quit in Disgust
Guy: Yeah, in the early nineties the American Embassy burned down from an apparent electrical fire, and when they inspected it, they found bugs in every wall and ceiling.
Girl: Ewww... That's disgusting. I'm never going to Russia.
Guy: No, not actual... Never mind.
--53rd St
I Knew We Shouldn't Have Moved to Chelsea
Little girl: Where are we going now?
Mother: Chinatown.
Little girl: Vagina town?
Mother, chuckling: No -- China-town.
Little girl, coyly: Well, I live in peeenis-town.
Mother: Okay, Lila.
--Union Square
Overheard by: S.S.
The Way He Keeps Drop-Kicking My Emotions...
Nerdy chick: Yeah, but when it comes to in-tangible objects, he's really irresponsible.
--Fort Tryon Park
Now She's Drying Off with Her Wings!
Australian guy, shocked at pixie chick peeing on nearby steps: Does that girl not have her pants on?!
Australian girl, unaware: What? [Both turn to stare.]
Pixie chick's guy friend: Yes, that's right! She's peeing!
--St. Mark's Pl, between 1st Ave & Ave A
Overheard by: justin
I Was Raised on Baby Mojitos
Fat queer to lady with baby in carrier: Oooh! That's the kind of job I want. Get carried around all day and sleep whenever you want!
Baby daddy: Yeah! And suck on boobies all day!
Fat queer: Ewww!
--York St station
For an Extra Quarter, I'll Spit in Your Fries
Drive-thru customer: Can I have a medium fries and a medium Coke?
Counter girl: We don't got a medium Coke.
Customer: Okay... Um... Can I have a large Coke?
Counter girl: We don't got no large Coke either!
Customer: Ummm...
Counter girl: We got no small, medium or large Coke, and no small, medium or large Sprite!
Customer: Oh... You're out of Coke. Okay... No drink, then.
Counter girl: I tol' you, we out of Coke! What do you want to drink?
Customer: Ummm... Nothing?
Counter girl: We got nothing. Your total is $2.35. Drive around.
--Wendy's, Rockaway
Overheard by: christine
Catholicism Being the Sex-Positive Religion
Fag hag: Give me your left hand. I'm getting a tattoo right here.
Queer: Oooh! Of what?
Fag hag: A cross.
Queer: Sexy!
--Fordham University Ram Van
Overheard by: Ali McE
Then What's with This Erotic Stick Figure?
Spanish teacher, reading student's homework: What?! What is this?! Novia? You're going to ride your girlfriend?
Student: Doesn't that mean 'ferris wheel'?
--Stuyvesant High
Overheard by: No, he meant girlfriend
That Would Be Dangerous
20-year-old: Mom, I have definitely heard these songs before.
Mother: Honey, this isn't a new musical.
--Schoenfeld Theatre
Overheard by: Samuel M.
Her Term for Stealing Money from His Piggybank
Big mama: It ain't even his fault. His mama didn't teach him nothin'.
Son: Mmm-hm.
Big mama: Wait 'til the IRS comes for you!
Son: Chill!
Big mama: You know they comin'!
--Q76 bus
Overheard by: queens is underappreciated
Variety: Torch Chick Doesn't Click
Tourist girl #1, looking at Statue of Liberty: I don't get it.
Tourist girl #2: Don't get what?
Tourist girl #1: Why a chick with a torch? I mean, honestly -- what American came up with the idea of building a giant chick with a torch?
Tourist girl #2: Actually, it was designed by the French.
Tourist girl #1: Well, that makes more sense. They're always putting up giant, crazy things. The guy who did this should get together with that Eiffel Tower guy.
Tourist girl #2, shaking head and sighing: Why am I friends with you?
--Circle Line Ferry
Overheard by: Kitty
It Is Cool -- We Just Have to Pretend Otherwise
Texan teen #1: Look! Look over there!
Texan teen #2: Where?! I don't see it! What?! [Texan teen #1 points to man playing keyboard and singing.] Ohhh my god! He's singin'! Cooool! Wow! God!
--Port Authority station
I Forgot What a Mean Little Drunk You Are
Little girl: Mommy, I have a headache.
Mom: Well, maybe we should just get you some sake.
Little girl: What?
Mom: I mean tea. Hot tea.
--Grey's Art Museum
The Stilettos Just Provide Better Traction
Queer: So, I had a great time with Dave last night.
Fruit fly: What'd you guys do?
Queer: He took me to this really great bar, [giggles], and he bought me a drink.
Fruit fly: So, does that mean you're the girl?
Queer: What?
Fruit fly: So, does that mean you're the girl?
Queer, offended: Well, not in the bedroom!
--9th & 1st
And My, Um, Grooming Was Sub-Par
Girl: Wait, you know I got hit by a car, right?
Guy: What?!
Girl: Yeah, it happened the other day.
Guy: What happened?
Girl: Oh, I was just walking across the street and then this car came and hit me, and I fell down. This lady watching was all, 'Oh my god, I thought you were dead, but then you got up.' It was totally embarrassing.
Guy: Don't you mean traumatic?
Girl: Well, that too. I mean, my skirt flew up when I fell...
--Stuyvesant High
About the Best Secular Humanists Can Do
Young child: Daddy, I don't want to get run over!
Father, making them jaywalk: Yes, that's a good philosophy to live by: Don't get run over.
--12th & Broadway
I'm Not Getting Arrested for Breaking the Laws of Physics
Agitated Indian woman on platform, unable to board: You! You in the orange shirt! Do you speak English?
Asian woman in orange shirt: ... Yes.
Agitated Indian woman: Could you move into the center of the car? Move in, move in! Move in so we can get on!
Asian woman: I am moved in. I'm in the exact center of the car!
Agitated Indian woman: No, there is room! Orange shirt, move in!
Asian woman: I can't go anywhere. I don't know what you expect me to do.
Agitated Indian woman: [String of expletives in Hindi.]
Asian woman, under breath: Psycho.
--Crowded N train, 59th St stop
Overheard by: trappedinabay
They Perform This Every Day at the Same Time
Dominican girl #1, over a Nextel Two-Way: Yo. What's up?
Dominican girl #2 across aisle, on her own Nextel Two-Way: Nuttin'. What's up with you?
Dominican girl #1: Are you going to Jimmy's party?
Dominican girl #2: Yeah, are you?
Dominican girl #1, pressing talk button too soon: When are you going? [Dominican girl #2 didn't get message and doesn't answer, so #1 yells across aisle, without phone.] Quit boxing me bitch! [To herself] Fucking Dominicans.
--Queens-bound R train
Overheard by: Rich
"Proxy"? You, Sir, Are No Brother.
Black guy #1, to white posse passersby: I hate white people!
Black guy #2: Yo, you can't say that -- this is Park Slope!
Black guy #1: Fuck that -- I am white.
Black guy #2: What, you mean by proxy or something?
--Union St & 4th Ave, Brooklyn
Overheard by: One of the whiteys
Beats Waking Up in Jersey
Girl #1: Her brother died.
Girl #2: Oh.
Girl #1: Yeah, they found his body in the Hudson last week.
--Chipotle, 8th St
Overheard by: Michelle
Headline by: Dewar Di
Runners-Up:
· "His Head Was in the East, Though" - Jenny M
· "It Took A Week To Negotiate With The Fisherman For The Body" - Trey Jackson
· "Oh, That Kind Of Dead" - Josh
· "Wow. Are You Getting Extra Guacamole?" - ty
Click here to see the new Headline Contest
Real Men Don't Care, Sweetie
Guy: I was in Vegas with my mother, and she was complaining that she was the only flat-chested girl in the city, but flat is totally in right now.
Girl: Flat's been in since I was, like, thirteen.
--Macy's
Overheard by: katieb
But Water Balloons Are My Art Form!
Dude #1: They don't give you condoms?
Dude #2: Naw, they don't.
Dude #1: You serious, man? No condoms?!
Dude #2: Yeah, I'm serious -- they don't give out condoms!
Dude #1: Really... They don't give you condoms in prison, huh?
Dude #2: Naw, man, not unless you have conjugal visits or somethin'.
--M11 bus
Praying for the Miracle of the Loaves and the Pinches
Customer: Excuse me, there's no toilet paper in the women's room. [Cashier wordlessly pulls wad of napkins out of dispenser and hands them over.] There's six of us waiting in line back there! [Cashier wordlessly pulls out another wad of napkins.] Lord, have mercy.
--McDonald's Express, 125th & Lenox
Overheard by: Rich Mintz
I Know Those Girls!
Patron: I just saw Dreamgirls.
Pianist: How was it?
Patron: So good it killed James Brown.
--Marie's Crisis, 59 Grove St
Overheard by: Duncan Pflaster
Everything They Need to Know They Learned from Tom Cruise Movies
Dude #1: I wish I could just retire and do whatever I wanted. I'd go to Yale Law School.
Dude #2: Yeah, I know, man. I'd move to the Caribbean and bartend.
--New Haven Line
Overheard by: I can see why they're such good friends
Oh, Spare Me Your Dismal-Ass Autobiography
Guy to friend, about Grindhouse double-feature: That was fucking awesome.
Old guy in front of them: You didn't actually like that, did you?
Guy: I did! I thought it was hilarious.
Old guy: Yeah, it was as funny as a dead child's toy.
--83rd & 2nd
Overheard by: don juan
Whereas I've Had to Wait Weeks for My Crochet Supplies
Big thug #1: ... And I was like, 'No fuckin' way.'
Big thug #2: Yeah, nigga. That shit is like magic.
Big thug #1: I know, nigga. I did it. I went home and I ordered the new Harry Potter from Amazon. That shit came the next day. It was like magic.
--14th & 6th
Overheard by: h
Sober, I'm Kind of a Tight-Ass
Girl #1: The following night we had sex.
Girl #2: Sex?
Girl #1: Yeah, but not normal sex.
Girl #2: What do you mean?
Girl #1, lowering voice: Butt sex.
Girl #2: In the butt?! What did he do?!
Girl #1: Nothing, it's just tighter.
Girl #2: You'd have to be super drunk to do that.
Girl #3: Yeah, every time I've done it, I have been.
--96th & Lex
Overheard by: jc
Damn, I Knew I Should've Pulled Out... Something Else
Hobo: Excuse me, do you have some change so I can buy some dinner?
Girl: Sorry, I don't carry cash.
Hobo: I bet you'd have some cash if I pulled out my 9mm [makes fake gun with his hand].
Girl, nonplussed: No, I really wouldn't.
--14th & 3rd
... How Boring for You
Black lesbian #1: Everything changed for me when I started reading Tony.
Black lesbian #2: Oh, yeah, Toni Morrison changed my life.
Black lesbian #1: No, I'm talking about Tony Robbins. I learned it's all about personal power!
Black lesbian #2: Oh.
--Brooklyn-bound J train
Overheard by: A White Bear
Sorry, I Mean, "Invoke Your First Miranda Right"
Guy, after Bar results: Oh, hi there.
Girl: Hi.
Guy: So...
Girl: So... Big day.
Guy: Yeah. It's big. Big day.
Simultaneously to one another: So you're...
Girl: Happy?
Guy: Um. Yeah. Pretty happy. You?
Girl: I'm happy!
Together: Yeah!
Hobo: Shut the fuck up!
--5 train
Stupid Smart People
20-ish girl: Then I disclosed that Michael probably has Asperger's syndrome.
20-ish guy: Asperger's people are smart. This guy is a ninny.
20-ish girl: He's IT smart, and he had a retard son, and you know how that shit runs in the family.
--Brooklyn-bound R train
It's What I'm Used To
Sailor: It was your idea.
Lady friend: You think I should dress like a man?
--Little Italy
Why Would Anybody Do That?
Broker #1: There was a suicide attack in Israel yesterday.
Broker #2: How many people died?
Broker #1: Luckily, only three. They did it in a resort town in the South called Eilat.
Broker #2: They probably did that to get away with it.
Broker #1: It's a suicide attack. They don't get away with it, they get blown to pieces.
--Office, Chrysler Building
Overheard by: BoredBroker
Also Has a Kid Like That at Home
Employee: So, it'll be done in about a week.
Woman with Jamaican accent: Be careful. My computer's special. It fell off the truck.
--Computer store, Flatbush Ave
Overheard by: diane
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