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And You'll Think Boys Are Icky Until You're 22, and You'll Always Take Care of Me...
Little girl pointing to ad featuring peanut butter and banana on bread: What is that?
Mother, looking at ad for a moment: It's sushi.
Little girl: What's sushi?
Mother: It's Chinese food... You wouldn't like it.
--B train
In the End, They Found an Umbrella Category for All Three: Virgin
Guy #1: Okay, so, important question: fantasy or science fiction?
Girl: Both! Oh, totally both!
Guy #2: I'm not even going to lie here. I really like those Magic cards.
--Columbia University
Overheard by: SCS
Later That Night, They Discovered a Third Thing...
Comedy club hawker: Hey, man, you like comedy?
Tourist: No.
Comedy club hawker: Yeah, me neither. I'm a lying bastard, too, so I guess we got two things in common.
--Times Square
Overheard by: heidolicious
That's Why I Had to Cap Helen Keller
Girl #1, about bonsai plant: So, you're not going to get it?
Girl #2: No... I'll probably kill it... I'm not good with things that don't talk.
--Chinatown
Action Plan: Get Wife, Trade Wife for Car, Use Car to Pick Up Girls
Guy #1: Look at that car. That's a nice car.
Guy #2: Yeah, I would trade my wife for that car... if I had a wife...
--50th & 6th
I, Too, Am Tired of Imaginary Perfumes
Girl #1, sniffing perfumes: I like the second one better.
Girl #2: Yeah, it's more real, and it won't make you feel like you're seducing him into thinking you're a cookie.
--Lingerie store, 66th & Broadway
'Cause If You Do Like Torture, My Culture Is All Over That
D.O.M.: I really like your culture.
Cute Japanese bartender: You... like torture?
D.O.M.: What? No, no... Culture -- culture....
Bartender: [Silence.]
D.O.M.: Culture. Man, how do I say this...?
Bartender: [Silence.]
D.O.M.: ... I like what you guys do.
Bartender, leery: Thanks...
--Japanese restaurant
Overheard by: aulevan
And We're Off to the Racists
White guy: You mean, you don't find Mexicans sexy? Sexy Mexicans?
White girl: Shhh! They can hear you!
White guy: Sssexicans?
--N train
Overheard by: curry sprinkles
Would You Like to Hear the Litany of All My Self-Inflicted Problems?
Guy in elevator: God, it's hot! Must be my underwear...
Chick: Underwear, yeah?
Guy in elevator: Yeah, I got plastic underwear... [Chick is silent.] ... For easy cleaning.
--28th & 6th
Don't Sweat the Big Black Stuff
Big black man: I think I like you. You have an aura, a glow. I like you.
Little Asian girl: That's just perspiration.
--Queens-bound E train
Overheard by: trying not to laugh
... And I Lost My Life Savings!
Intern #1: This job blows.
Intern #2: Yeah, today I felt like an Enron employee... I shredded documents for like three hours.
--Broad & Stone, Financial District
A Performance by T.S. Celliot, the Screaming Poet of Mass Transit
Guy on cell: I said to send flowers to his grave! What? Flowers! Wait. I just lost you for a second. Can you hear me now?
Annoyed passenger: Yes, we fucking can.
--NJ Transit
Inflation Now Punishable by Death
Woman: How much are those?
Man selling roses: Two dollars.
Woman: They die.
--W 4th & Barrow
Overheard by: SarahW
There's Also One Kind of Shower That Could Cause This Smell
Pedestrian #1, covering nose: Why can't people take a damn shower?!
Pedestrian #2: Why can't some people not shit in the street?
--Outside Radio City Music Hall
Overheard by: AA
Like Being Alone, Except with Someone There
Girl #1: Are you sure you don't mind taking the bus by yourself?
Girl #2: I'll be fine. I've taken the B3 by myself before... with Steph.
--Taco Bell, Kings Plaza Mall, Brooklyn
Overheard by: Lotte
Are You Certain That You Do?
Customer: So, can I have three tacos -- two with chicken, and one chorizo?
Waitress: Eh, what was the last one?
Customer: Chorizo taco!
Waitress: Oh, I don't know... The chef may not understand that. Y'know, he doesn't really speak English...
--El Sombrero restaurant, LES
So Your End's Okay, but Not Mine?
Swedish guy: Last night I burped so loud I think I'm sure I woke everyone up in the apartment.
American guy: That's kind of like when I took that noisy dump.
Swedish guy: Ew!
--Times Square
Think She Lip-Syncs Her Fake Orgasms?
Hipster guy #1: So, did you hear about Ashlee Simpson hooking up with Ryan Phillipe?
Hipster guy #2: Who is Ashlee Simpson? Who the fuck is Ryan Phillipe?
Hipster guy #1: ... Jump in front of the next train.
--1 train
Overheard by: Eric
Making the Awkward Age Even More So
Tween girl: ... But I can't go out with him! He's my brother!
Friend #1: But he's your step-brother, not your real brother.
Friend #2: I would.
--39th & Broadway
Overheard by: Yournamehere
Who Names Their Daughter "Gayla"?
Blonde middle schooler #1: So yeah, Omar asked me if I wanted to, like, go out with him again, and I was like, 'Um, are you talking to me?' Fucking retard.
Blonde middle schooler #2: Ewww, Omar?! Gross! He's, like, ghetto or something.
Brunette middle schooler: At least someone asked you out! I'm 12 and I haven't had any love in my life. What a loser!
Redhead middle schooler: No, we are friggin' normal. All the ghetto girls lose their virginity when they're ten.
Blonde middle schooler #2: Yeah, that's true.
Blonde middle schooler #1: Nick told me he wanted to do it with me last year, in sixth grade.
Brunette middle schooler: Oh my god, Gayla! What did you say?
Blonde middle schooler #1: 'Suck my dick.'
--99th & 1st
That Would Be "Too Late" Jeans by Gloria Vanderbilt
Girl #1: Where's those jeans -- the coochie-hugging ones?
Girl #2: Oh, you mean the ones that cut your vagina in half?
--H&M, 51st & 5th
Overheard by: Adin
Thank You!
Queer: You've got pretty natural eyebrows, sweetheart.
Asian girl: Thanks, but yours look sooo fake.
--L train
However, the Sex-for-Crack Area Is Limited to behind the Cafeteria
HS girl #1: Can we not drink on campus?
HS girl #2: No, I'm pretty sure we can.
--Columbia University, 116th St
Not Yet, at Least
Ghetto girl: There is no I in 'team.'
Ghetto boy: There is also no I in 'gangbang.'
--Astoria
Overheard by: Erik
Could You Explain Again about the Timing of the Naked Break Dancing?
Bride: You are to behave like ladies.
Six-year-old #1: Can we take off our shoes?
Bride: Ladies take their shoes off after the ceremony.
Six-year-old #2: Can we run around?
Bride: After the ceremony, you can take off all your clothes and go nuts all night. I'll be married. I won't care.
Maid of Honor: But not until after the ceremony!
--Staten Island
Overheard by: Reverend Ryan
The Hitting Is Totally New Stuff
Girl: You're doin' the same stuff again.
Agitated dude: No, I'm not! No, I'm not! I never hit you!
--33rd, between 5th & 6th
Overheard by: AWAG
I Can't Get My Stick Out of His Mouth!
Dad throwing baseball for son: Go get it!
Mom: Your son is not a dog!
Dad: But he likes to play fetch!
--Prospect Park
Overheard by: sean
If by "Threesome" You Mean "Three People with No Sexual Attractions in Common," Then Yes.
Slutty lesbian: Did you tell Ebony that we wanted to have a threesome with her?
Skinny queer: Who is Abony?
Slutty lesbian: Did you tell Ebony we were going to have a threesome?
Skinny queer: Abony?! ... Oh, Ebony.
--Bodega, 13th & 6th
She Gets Her Protein from Other Sources?
Guy #1: Dude... [Whispers to friend.]
Guy #2, loudly: What?! Doesn't do blowjobs? How does she have a normal social life?!
--Doc Watson's, UES
Overheard by: acton
It's a Simple Process Involving an Ice Bath in My Basement
Woman: Excuse me, miss... Can I ask you a question?
Chick: Um, sure.
Woman: This might sound kind of strange, but I have a patient that looks just like you and... Have you ever considered donating your eggs?
--Brooklyn-bound L train
Might Be Better to Be Fat, Ugly, and Deluded
Asian girl: I was going down the stairs just now, and this girl was getting seriously upset over how horrible she looks today. Then the boy she was with went all, 'Oh my god, stop it!' and asked me, 'Doesn't she look good today?'
White girl: And then?
Asian girl: I told him she looks lovely, and came here.
White girl: Oh.
Asian girl: But goddammit, I wanted to slap her upside the face! I mean, don't go around crying over how ugly you look when you're obviously skinny and gorgeous -- that just makes you a bitch!
White girl: Mmm-hm. Seriously.
--Bronx Science
My Dog's a New Yorker. Nothing Shocks Him.
Man lunging at woman walking dog about to step on manhole cover: Don't let him walk on that!
Woman: What are you doing?!
Man: Sometimes they have electricity running through them!
Woman: What?
Man: Do you want your dog to get shocked?!
--14th & 7th
Overheard by: Brigdh
Or How about a Manchurian Restaurant Where They're Still Fighting It Out?
Teen boy: Hey, do you know if there is a real Chinese food place around here?
Teen girl: Yeah, one that's not Japanese?
--Sushi restaurant, 81st & York
Overheard by: j.pie
To Say Nothing of Your Buck Teeth and Peg Leg
Short Latina #1: You could never be a model.
Short Latina #2, concerned: Why?
Short Latina #1: Your ass is too big.
--5th & 5th, Brooklyn
Overheard by: Andrea
Headline by: Gimpy
Runners-Up:
· "America's Next Bottom Model" - Fierce!
· "At Least I Don't Have My Head in Mine" - Drewp
· "But I Smell Like Vomit and Cigarettes!" - Ba-Dunka-Dunk
· "I Can Hear Your Thong Screaming For Help" - Darryl S
· "Those Are My Breasts; I Sling Them Over My Shoulders So That I Don't Kick Them When I Walk." - E-man - Master of the UNIVERSE
· "What's That Got to Do with Hand Modelling?" - KJM
Click here to see the new Headline Contest
My 50 Plus His 75
Girl #1: It's dangerous to walk and read at the same time, you know!
Girl #2: That's genius.
Girl #1: It is! I got, like, 125 on an IQ test, you know. I just took it today. I mean, I'm not gonna lie, I had someone helping me.
--PATH train
Overheard by: ryan link
The Finals Are in Miami Every Other Year
Middle-aged woman #1: ... And she went and got the sluttiest tattoo in the world.
Middle-aged woman #2: Wow, there's tough competition for that one!
--Trader Joe's
Overheard by: Manhattman
Coincidentally, He Doesn't Consider It Cheating When It's with a Guy
Girl #1: Are you gonna tell him?
Girl #2: Well, I don't consider it cheating when it's with a girl... so no.
--23rd & 7th
Overheard by: vaduz
Wednesday Number-Two Liners
Hipster guy: If he would have asked me that in an interview, I would have pulled down my pants and shat on his foot.
--N 5th & Bedford Ave, Williamsburg
Tall, distraught man: Great! Now I have to hold off poopin' for another two hours.
--Penn Station
Sleep-deprived student to friend: There is something wrong with your bowel movements!
--Pratt Institute
Overheard by: Bailey
Booming voice from dark alley: Well, I'll be dipped in shit!
--2nd Ave, LES
Overheard by: caroline
Man on cell: Don't go near the elevator. There's a pile of doo-doo there. I tried to clean it up the best I could, but there's still some there. Be careful. I don't want you to smear it.
--Essex St
NYU student to friend: Of course I didn't poop in the shower... I pooped in the toilet, then put it in the shower!
--8th & Mercer
Overheard by: Alex
Wednesday One Liners Lie about Their Size
Loud guy: I can turn my dick into a Whopper with fries!
--MacDougal Ale House
Overheard by: Ladle
Small Indian boy: Penis! Penis! [His mother scolds him in Hindi.] ... Penis!
--47th & 5th
10-year-old boy to friends: ... And then he drew, like, three penises! And then I had to get home in, like, three and a half seconds!
--11th & 3rd
Overheard by: Hannah
Suit to another: Jesus Christ! It's not my fault your penis drips!
--Times Square
Overheard by: Sydney
Dude to friend: Let's think of words that rhyme with 'dick.'
--49th & 7th
Pre-med chick: We had this cadaver in lab that we called 'Schlongo' because his penis was a foot long. No, seriously, it was really a foot long!
--Bodies Exhibit
Overheard by: a.j.w.
A Resounding Chorus of Wednesday One-Liners
Three-year-old: Hey, hey, you, you, I don't like your girlfriend!
--60th & 5th
Overheard by: Rich
Hobo singing to self: Pussy's like a lickety split, but if you miss, you wind up in a world of shit.
--Staten Island Ferry Terminal
Blind weelbo: Amaaazing grace, how sweet the sound... I once was blind aaand I still am...
--F train
Overheard by: Sara
Large thug, singing in falsetto: I will looove agaaain, even if it takes a lifetime to get ooover youuu...
--Milano Market, 113th & Broadway
Overheard by: Ladle
Talentless busker, singing: All my loving, I will send to you... All my loving, darling, I'll be true [tries to whistle instrumental break, and fails]. My lip! There's something wrong with my lip!
--63rd & Lex Ave station
Overheard by: Aloof Loner
Full Frontal Wednesday One-Liners
Dude to another: Yeah, but she got a yeast infection from sitting around naked on muffins all day.
--Union Square
Overheard by: chris
Artsy guy on cell: No, no, she's not naked... But you want to see her naked!
--12th & Broadway
Overheard by: EthanK
Flight attendant: Your pilot for the flight today is Buck Naked. Your first officer is Justin Case. That's just in case Buck Naked decides to get buck wild.
--LaGuardia
Dude: I heard that all they do there is have sex and drink beer... And have naked snowball fights.
--41st & 7th
Larger, Lovelier Wednesday One-Liners
Fat lady elbowing her way onto train: Shit, they need to get some bigger subway cars.
--6 train, 28th St
Wife to hubby, after daughter got up from table: She still has a big ass and thighs, but she's getting better.
--City Bakery, W 18th St
Overheard by: katherine
Man holding huge burger in small bun: Dude! This is like a fat man in spandex!
--Upper West Side
Blonde rubbing grouchy guy's head: I'm sorry, baby, but you know how I get around fat people, and those two women were huge! Just disgusting!
--Metro-North
Overheard by: Ryan
Hobo: Anyone have a dollar? Anyone? I'm askin' because all you ladies are beautiful. I don't bother with ugly people or fat people! They just have problems. Their wife is cheating on them? It's my fault! No, I just walk on by all those fat people.
--Brooklyn-bound L train
Overheard by: Colleen
Mom to six-year-old son: Junk food is crap. If you eat it, you will be fat. Like Mommy.
--Central Park
Wednesday One-Liners You Just Wanna Pat on the Head
Drunk girl: I think he uses his cancer to be cute.
--Bourgeois Pig, MacDougal St
Freak show barker: I hate cute ventriloquism.
--Outside Coney Island Freak Show
Overheard by: Miss Carrie
Girl, about three-year-old nearby: He's so cute, I want to kidnap him!
--PATH train
Woman: ... And then he pulled out a gun and threatened to kill me. It was so cute.
--Ruby Foo's, 49th & 8th
Overheard by: Heather
Man to toddler girl: That's what politicians do. They try to look cute.
--Smith & Union, Carroll Gardens, Brooklyn
Wednesday One-Liners Hope for Conjugal Visits
Trench coat guy on cell: Are they arresting you?
--72nd & West End
Overheard by: orlum
Woman rushing inside: Oh my god! I was almost an eyewitness to something!
--Viacom building, 44th & Broadway
Overheard by: bonster
Man on cell: I'm sorry to bother you, but I really don't wanna go to jail...
--S 2nd & Bedford Ave
Overheard by: Are All Criminals So Polite?
Guy: That's so true! He'll willingly go to jail just for the free sex!
--Union Square Park
Chick toting a baby: Yeah, but I ain't qualify fo' that 'cause of all them felonies I got.
--Ridgewood, Queens
Overheard by: Grytsayo
Wednesday One-Liners Lead with Their Nipples
12-year-old girl to friend: So, he asked me for a piggyback ride and grabbed onto my boobs! Isn't that what you call sexism? When you're a perv? Sexist?
--6th & Houston
Overheard by: Ha, ha, Mal.
Man on cell: You're an eight, but you'd be a ten if your boobs were bigger...
--19th & 7th
Girl: Where's my phone? ... Oh, there's my boob.
--Prospect Heights, Brooklyn
Overheard by: Mariah
Woman on cell: I have to throw my breasts around and tell every guy I want to have sex with them at work.
--68th & 2nd
Chick on cell: I haven't yet met him, you know, but he has a Christmas card featuring my boobies on his fridge.
--LIRR
Overheard by: Ladle
Sometimes Wednesday One-Liners Like to Play by Themselves
Teacher: Well, I guess it's just Vomit and Dildo Day here in screen writing class.
--SVA Building, 21st St
Black queer to Chinese server: You tell Steve that he better come over and pick up his dildo or I'ma kick his ass!
--Christopher & Greenwich St
Overheard by: Justin Tang
Middle-aged stagehand to another: All I know is that I need to get a lot more KY jelly before next week.
--Striking stagehand picket line, Broadway
Dude to chick: You'll have to wear a dildo...
--34th & 8th
Overheard by: Confabulation Nation
Elegant lady: That's really one of the two great stories of your childhood, the other one being when I walked into Yhe Pleasure Chest and said, 'Can you recommend a good vibrator for a child?' Suddenly everyone got very quiet and still, and I gasped and said, 'Oh, no, not like that! It's just that... I'm a Greenwich Village mom, and she's been using the electric toothbrush!' They were much friendlier once they thought I was the sort of person who was going to go down the street to the market and buy some spinach, and not a dangerous pervert.
--Park Ave Bistro
Overheard by: Rose Fox
Bearded guy, excitedly: True! But what a vibrator that would be!
--Columbus Circle
Overheard by: Argopelter