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And You'll Think Boys Are Icky Until You're 22, and You'll Always Take Care of Me...
Little girl pointing to ad featuring peanut butter and banana on bread: What is that?
Mother, looking at ad for a moment: It's sushi.
Little girl: What's sushi?
Mother: It's Chinese food... You wouldn't like it.
--B train
In the End, They Found an Umbrella Category for All Three: Virgin
Guy #1: Okay, so, important question: fantasy or science fiction?
Girl: Both! Oh, totally both!
Guy #2: I'm not even going to lie here. I really like those Magic cards.
--Columbia University
Overheard by: SCS
Later That Night, They Discovered a Third Thing...
Comedy club hawker: Hey, man, you like comedy?
Tourist: No.
Comedy club hawker: Yeah, me neither. I'm a lying bastard, too, so I guess we got two things in common.
--Times Square
Overheard by: heidolicious
That's Why I Had to Cap Helen Keller
Girl #1, about bonsai plant: So, you're not going to get it?
Girl #2: No... I'll probably kill it... I'm not good with things that don't talk.
--Chinatown
Action Plan: Get Wife, Trade Wife for Car, Use Car to Pick Up Girls
Guy #1: Look at that car. That's a nice car.
Guy #2: Yeah, I would trade my wife for that car... if I had a wife...
--50th & 6th
I, Too, Am Tired of Imaginary Perfumes
Girl #1, sniffing perfumes: I like the second one better.
Girl #2: Yeah, it's more real, and it won't make you feel like you're seducing him into thinking you're a cookie.
--Lingerie store, 66th & Broadway
'Cause If You Do Like Torture, My Culture Is All Over That
D.O.M.: I really like your culture.
Cute Japanese bartender: You... like torture?
D.O.M.: What? No, no... Culture -- culture....
Bartender: [Silence.]
D.O.M.: Culture. Man, how do I say this...?
Bartender: [Silence.]
D.O.M.: ... I like what you guys do.
Bartender, leery: Thanks...
--Japanese restaurant
Overheard by: aulevan
And We're Off to the Racists
White guy: You mean, you don't find Mexicans sexy? Sexy Mexicans?
White girl: Shhh! They can hear you!
White guy: Sssexicans?
--N train
Overheard by: curry sprinkles
Would You Like to Hear the Litany of All My Self-Inflicted Problems?
Guy in elevator: God, it's hot! Must be my underwear...
Chick: Underwear, yeah?
Guy in elevator: Yeah, I got plastic underwear... [Chick is silent.] ... For easy cleaning.
--28th & 6th
Don't Sweat the Big Black Stuff
Big black man: I think I like you. You have an aura, a glow. I like you.
Little Asian girl: That's just perspiration.
--Queens-bound E train
Overheard by: trying not to laugh
... And I Lost My Life Savings!
Intern #1: This job blows.
Intern #2: Yeah, today I felt like an Enron employee... I shredded documents for like three hours.
--Broad & Stone, Financial District
A Performance by T.S. Celliot, the Screaming Poet of Mass Transit
Guy on cell: I said to send flowers to his grave! What? Flowers! Wait. I just lost you for a second. Can you hear me now?
Annoyed passenger: Yes, we fucking can.
--NJ Transit
Inflation Now Punishable by Death
Woman: How much are those?
Man selling roses: Two dollars.
Woman: They die.
--W 4th & Barrow
Overheard by: SarahW
There's Also One Kind of Shower That Could Cause This Smell
Pedestrian #1, covering nose: Why can't people take a damn shower?!
Pedestrian #2: Why can't some people not shit in the street?
--Outside Radio City Music Hall
Overheard by: AA
Like Being Alone, Except with Someone There
Girl #1: Are you sure you don't mind taking the bus by yourself?
Girl #2: I'll be fine. I've taken the B3 by myself before... with Steph.
--Taco Bell, Kings Plaza Mall, Brooklyn
Overheard by: Lotte
Are You Certain That You Do?
Customer: So, can I have three tacos -- two with chicken, and one chorizo?
Waitress: Eh, what was the last one?
Customer: Chorizo taco!
Waitress: Oh, I don't know... The chef may not understand that. Y'know, he doesn't really speak English...
--El Sombrero restaurant, LES
So Your End's Okay, but Not Mine?
Swedish guy: Last night I burped so loud I think I'm sure I woke everyone up in the apartment.
American guy: That's kind of like when I took that noisy dump.
Swedish guy: Ew!
--Times Square
Think She Lip-Syncs Her Fake Orgasms?
Hipster guy #1: So, did you hear about Ashlee Simpson hooking up with Ryan Phillipe?
Hipster guy #2: Who is Ashlee Simpson? Who the fuck is Ryan Phillipe?
Hipster guy #1: ... Jump in front of the next train.
--1 train
Overheard by: Eric
Making the Awkward Age Even More So
Tween girl: ... But I can't go out with him! He's my brother!
Friend #1: But he's your step-brother, not your real brother.
Friend #2: I would.
--39th & Broadway
Overheard by: Yournamehere
Who Names Their Daughter "Gayla"?
Blonde middle schooler #1: So yeah, Omar asked me if I wanted to, like, go out with him again, and I was like, 'Um, are you talking to me?' Fucking retard.
Blonde middle schooler #2: Ewww, Omar?! Gross! He's, like, ghetto or something.
Brunette middle schooler: At least someone asked you out! I'm 12 and I haven't had any love in my life. What a loser!
Redhead middle schooler: No, we are friggin' normal. All the ghetto girls lose their virginity when they're ten.
Blonde middle schooler #2: Yeah, that's true.
Blonde middle schooler #1: Nick told me he wanted to do it with me last year, in sixth grade.
Brunette middle schooler: Oh my god, Gayla! What did you say?
Blonde middle schooler #1: 'Suck my dick.'
--99th & 1st
That Would Be "Too Late" Jeans by Gloria Vanderbilt
Girl #1: Where's those jeans -- the coochie-hugging ones?
Girl #2: Oh, you mean the ones that cut your vagina in half?
--H&M, 51st & 5th
Overheard by: Adin
Thank You!
Queer: You've got pretty natural eyebrows, sweetheart.
Asian girl: Thanks, but yours look sooo fake.
--L train
However, the Sex-for-Crack Area Is Limited to behind the Cafeteria
HS girl #1: Can we not drink on campus?
HS girl #2: No, I'm pretty sure we can.
--Columbia University, 116th St
Not Yet, at Least
Ghetto girl: There is no I in 'team.'
Ghetto boy: There is also no I in 'gangbang.'
--Astoria
Overheard by: Erik
Could You Explain Again about the Timing of the Naked Break Dancing?
Bride: You are to behave like ladies.
Six-year-old #1: Can we take off our shoes?
Bride: Ladies take their shoes off after the ceremony.
Six-year-old #2: Can we run around?
Bride: After the ceremony, you can take off all your clothes and go nuts all night. I'll be married. I won't care.
Maid of Honor: But not until after the ceremony!
--Staten Island
Overheard by: Reverend Ryan
The Hitting Is Totally New Stuff
Girl: You're doin' the same stuff again.
Agitated dude: No, I'm not! No, I'm not! I never hit you!
--33rd, between 5th & 6th
Overheard by: AWAG
I Can't Get My Stick Out of His Mouth!
Dad throwing baseball for son: Go get it!
Mom: Your son is not a dog!
Dad: But he likes to play fetch!
--Prospect Park
Overheard by: sean
If by "Threesome" You Mean "Three People with No Sexual Attractions in Common," Then Yes.
Slutty lesbian: Did you tell Ebony that we wanted to have a threesome with her?
Skinny queer: Who is Abony?
Slutty lesbian: Did you tell Ebony we were going to have a threesome?
Skinny queer: Abony?! ... Oh, Ebony.
--Bodega, 13th & 6th
She Gets Her Protein from Other Sources?
Guy #1: Dude... [Whispers to friend.]
Guy #2, loudly: What?! Doesn't do blowjobs? How does she have a normal social life?!
--Doc Watson's, UES
Overheard by: acton
It's a Simple Process Involving an Ice Bath in My Basement
Woman: Excuse me, miss... Can I ask you a question?
Chick: Um, sure.
Woman: This might sound kind of strange, but I have a patient that looks just like you and... Have you ever considered donating your eggs?
--Brooklyn-bound L train
Might Be Better to Be Fat, Ugly, and Deluded
Asian girl: I was going down the stairs just now, and this girl was getting seriously upset over how horrible she looks today. Then the boy she was with went all, 'Oh my god, stop it!' and asked me, 'Doesn't she look good today?'
White girl: And then?
Asian girl: I told him she looks lovely, and came here.
White girl: Oh.
Asian girl: But goddammit, I wanted to slap her upside the face! I mean, don't go around crying over how ugly you look when you're obviously skinny and gorgeous -- that just makes you a bitch!
White girl: Mmm-hm. Seriously.
--Bronx Science
My Dog's a New Yorker. Nothing Shocks Him.
Man lunging at woman walking dog about to step on manhole cover: Don't let him walk on that!
Woman: What are you doing?!
Man: Sometimes they have electricity running through them!
Woman: What?
Man: Do you want your dog to get shocked?!
--14th & 7th
Overheard by: Brigdh
Or How about a Manchurian Restaurant Where They're Still Fighting It Out?
Teen boy: Hey, do you know if there is a real Chinese food place around here?
Teen girl: Yeah, one that's not Japanese?
--Sushi restaurant, 81st & York
Overheard by: j.pie
To Say Nothing of Your Buck Teeth and Peg Leg
Short Latina #1: You could never be a model.
Short Latina #2, concerned: Why?
Short Latina #1: Your ass is too big.
--5th & 5th, Brooklyn
Overheard by: Andrea
Headline by: Gimpy
Runners-Up:
· "America's Next Bottom Model" - Fierce!
· "At Least I Don't Have My Head in Mine" - Drewp
· "But I Smell Like Vomit and Cigarettes!" - Ba-Dunka-Dunk
· "I Can Hear Your Thong Screaming For Help" - Darryl S
· "Those Are My Breasts; I Sling Them Over My Shoulders So That I Don't Kick Them When I Walk." - E-man - Master of the UNIVERSE
· "What's That Got to Do with Hand Modelling?" - KJM
Click here to see the new Headline Contest
My 50 Plus His 75
Girl #1: It's dangerous to walk and read at the same time, you know!
Girl #2: That's genius.
Girl #1: It is! I got, like, 125 on an IQ test, you know. I just took it today. I mean, I'm not gonna lie, I had someone helping me.
--PATH train
Overheard by: ryan link
The Finals Are in Miami Every Other Year
Middle-aged woman #1: ... And she went and got the sluttiest tattoo in the world.
Middle-aged woman #2: Wow, there's tough competition for that one!
--Trader Joe's
Overheard by: Manhattman
Coincidentally, He Doesn't Consider It Cheating When It's with a Guy
Girl #1: Are you gonna tell him?
Girl #2: Well, I don't consider it cheating when it's with a girl... so no.
--23rd & 7th
Overheard by: vaduz
Wednesday Number-Two Liners
Hipster guy: If he would have asked me that in an interview, I would have pulled down my pants and shat on his foot.
--N 5th & Bedford Ave, Williamsburg
Tall, distraught man: Great! Now I have to hold off poopin' for another two hours.
--Penn Station
Sleep-deprived student to friend: There is something wrong with your bowel movements!
--Pratt Institute
Overheard by: Bailey
Booming voice from dark alley: Well, I'll be dipped in shit!
--2nd Ave, LES
Overheard by: caroline
Man on cell: Don't go near the elevator. There's a pile of doo-doo there. I tried to clean it up the best I could, but there's still some there. Be careful. I don't want you to smear it.
--Essex St
NYU student to friend: Of course I didn't poop in the shower... I pooped in the toilet, then put it in the shower!
--8th & Mercer
Overheard by: Alex
Wednesday One Liners Lie about Their Size
Loud guy: I can turn my dick into a Whopper with fries!
--MacDougal Ale House
Overheard by: Ladle
Small Indian boy: Penis! Penis! [His mother scolds him in Hindi.] ... Penis!
--47th & 5th
10-year-old boy to friends: ... And then he drew, like, three penises! And then I had to get home in, like, three and a half seconds!
--11th & 3rd
Overheard by: Hannah
Suit to another: Jesus Christ! It's not my fault your penis drips!
--Times Square
Overheard by: Sydney
Dude to friend: Let's think of words that rhyme with 'dick.'
--49th & 7th
Pre-med chick: We had this cadaver in lab that we called 'Schlongo' because his penis was a foot long. No, seriously, it was really a foot long!
--Bodies Exhibit
Overheard by: a.j.w.
A Resounding Chorus of Wednesday One-Liners
Three-year-old: Hey, hey, you, you, I don't like your girlfriend!
--60th & 5th
Overheard by: Rich
Hobo singing to self: Pussy's like a lickety split, but if you miss, you wind up in a world of shit.
--Staten Island Ferry Terminal
Blind weelbo: Amaaazing grace, how sweet the sound... I once was blind aaand I still am...
--F train
Overheard by: Sara
Large thug, singing in falsetto: I will looove agaaain, even if it takes a lifetime to get ooover youuu...
--Milano Market, 113th & Broadway
Overheard by: Ladle
Talentless busker, singing: All my loving, I will send to you... All my loving, darling, I'll be true [tries to whistle instrumental break, and fails]. My lip! There's something wrong with my lip!
--63rd & Lex Ave station
Overheard by: Aloof Loner
Full Frontal Wednesday One-Liners
Dude to another: Yeah, but she got a yeast infection from sitting around naked on muffins all day.
--Union Square
Overheard by: chris
Artsy guy on cell: No, no, she's not naked... But you want to see her naked!
--12th & Broadway
Overheard by: EthanK
Flight attendant: Your pilot for the flight today is Buck Naked. Your first officer is Justin Case. That's just in case Buck Naked decides to get buck wild.
--LaGuardia
Dude: I heard that all they do there is have sex and drink beer... And have naked snowball fights.
--41st & 7th
Larger, Lovelier Wednesday One-Liners
Fat lady elbowing her way onto train: Shit, they need to get some bigger subway cars.
--6 train, 28th St
Wife to hubby, after daughter got up from table: She still has a big ass and thighs, but she's getting better.
--City Bakery, W 18th St
Overheard by: katherine
Man holding huge burger in small bun: Dude! This is like a fat man in spandex!
--Upper West Side
Blonde rubbing grouchy guy's head: I'm sorry, baby, but you know how I get around fat people, and those two women were huge! Just disgusting!
--Metro-North
Overheard by: Ryan
Hobo: Anyone have a dollar? Anyone? I'm askin' because all you ladies are beautiful. I don't bother with ugly people or fat people! They just have problems. Their wife is cheating on them? It's my fault! No, I just walk on by all those fat people.
--Brooklyn-bound L train
Overheard by: Colleen
Mom to six-year-old son: Junk food is crap. If you eat it, you will be fat. Like Mommy.
--Central Park
Wednesday One-Liners You Just Wanna Pat on the Head
Drunk girl: I think he uses his cancer to be cute.
--Bourgeois Pig, MacDougal St
Freak show barker: I hate cute ventriloquism.
--Outside Coney Island Freak Show
Overheard by: Miss Carrie
Girl, about three-year-old nearby: He's so cute, I want to kidnap him!
--PATH train
Woman: ... And then he pulled out a gun and threatened to kill me. It was so cute.
--Ruby Foo's, 49th & 8th
Overheard by: Heather
Man to toddler girl: That's what politicians do. They try to look cute.
--Smith & Union, Carroll Gardens, Brooklyn
Wednesday One-Liners Hope for Conjugal Visits
Trench coat guy on cell: Are they arresting you?
--72nd & West End
Overheard by: orlum
Woman rushing inside: Oh my god! I was almost an eyewitness to something!
--Viacom building, 44th & Broadway
Overheard by: bonster
Man on cell: I'm sorry to bother you, but I really don't wanna go to jail...
--S 2nd & Bedford Ave
Overheard by: Are All Criminals So Polite?
Guy: That's so true! He'll willingly go to jail just for the free sex!
--Union Square Park
Chick toting a baby: Yeah, but I ain't qualify fo' that 'cause of all them felonies I got.
--Ridgewood, Queens
Overheard by: Grytsayo
Wednesday One-Liners Lead with Their Nipples
12-year-old girl to friend: So, he asked me for a piggyback ride and grabbed onto my boobs! Isn't that what you call sexism? When you're a perv? Sexist?
--6th & Houston
Overheard by: Ha, ha, Mal.
Man on cell: You're an eight, but you'd be a ten if your boobs were bigger...
--19th & 7th
Girl: Where's my phone? ... Oh, there's my boob.
--Prospect Heights, Brooklyn
Overheard by: Mariah
Woman on cell: I have to throw my breasts around and tell every guy I want to have sex with them at work.
--68th & 2nd
Chick on cell: I haven't yet met him, you know, but he has a Christmas card featuring my boobies on his fridge.
--LIRR
Overheard by: Ladle
Sometimes Wednesday One-Liners Like to Play by Themselves
Teacher: Well, I guess it's just Vomit and Dildo Day here in screen writing class.
--SVA Building, 21st St
Black queer to Chinese server: You tell Steve that he better come over and pick up his dildo or I'ma kick his ass!
--Christopher & Greenwich St
Overheard by: Justin Tang
Middle-aged stagehand to another: All I know is that I need to get a lot more KY jelly before next week.
--Striking stagehand picket line, Broadway
Dude to chick: You'll have to wear a dildo...
--34th & 8th
Overheard by: Confabulation Nation
Elegant lady: That's really one of the two great stories of your childhood, the other one being when I walked into Yhe Pleasure Chest and said, 'Can you recommend a good vibrator for a child?' Suddenly everyone got very quiet and still, and I gasped and said, 'Oh, no, not like that! It's just that... I'm a Greenwich Village mom, and she's been using the electric toothbrush!' They were much friendlier once they thought I was the sort of person who was going to go down the street to the market and buy some spinach, and not a dangerous pervert.
--Park Ave Bistro
Overheard by: Rose Fox
Bearded guy, excitedly: True! But what a vibrator that would be!
--Columbus Circle
Overheard by: Argopelter
Wednesday One-Liners: More Than Just a Hippie Musical
Thug to friends: Yo, it's not like I'm gay! Just... the kid had some nice hair!
--Ave M, Q train stop
Overheard by: LoRna
Teen boy: Yo, near the pubic hair, son... That shit is phat!
--Southern Blvd, Bronx
Overheard by: E.J.
Seven-year-old blonde to friend: ... And if you get it in your hair, you lose all your points!
--Washington Square West
Overheard by: SELENA
Asian 30-something on cell: Well, he doesn't have any hair, so he better be good-looking.
--13th & 6th
Chick on cell: Masochistic hair to go with a masochistic gal. Aw!
--Columbia University
Overheard by: McFreaky
Subway performer, finishing barbershop-quartet style song: We'd like to wish you all a beautiful afternoon. If any of you happen to run into Condoleezza Rice, please tell her we've got a sista in Harlem waitin' to do her hair.
--R train
Overheard by: Marisa
Wednesday One-Liners Should Not Operate Heavy Farm Equipment
Girl: I'll drink for charity. I mean, I'm gonna be drinking anyway, so sure.
--Spring & Lafayette
Overheard by: Thomas
Chick in Santa suit, on cell: How's it going? Santa's sobering up.
--Harlem
Overheard by: Ladle
Hobo to pigeon walking toward his booze: Get away from that, you alcoholic bitch!
--Washington Square Park
Overheard by: Shanaca
Girl to friend: I'm not drunk, I just like the way it feels on my skin!
--2nd St & Ave B
Chick on cell: ... So you were like, 'I should become an alcoholic.'
--Mulberry & Spring
Grad student, slowly: I followed you down the bedrunkenation path.
--International Affairs building, Columbia University
Overheard by: Wild Dog Boy
Girl: My friend wants to get a wheelchair and put a keg on it. He wants to call it 'handi-tapped.'
--St. Mark's Pl, between 1st & 2nd Ave
Overheard by: Mariah
Wednesday One-Liners Were "Working Late"
Drunk woman: I won't sleep with people when I'm drunk. I'm not like that. I get drunk and I punch people in the face... I'm totally against infidelity. I can't deal with that. I mean, I've been caught cheating lots of times, and it totally sucks.
--44th & 8th
Overheard by: Caitlin
Guy: So, he's pissed off because he's dating this fucking hot stripper -- she's, like, West of freaky -- and he can't tell anybody because they're all friends with his fiancé and would tell her.
--Brooklyn-bound D train, Atlantic Ave stop
Overheard by: just visiting
Girl on cell: Sorry, I'm on my way to the airport. It was either go to Michigan or cheat on my boyfriend... No, I'm going to Michigan.
--125th & Broadway
Overheard by: Cat Darcy
German girl, after breaking kiss with another chick: Don't worry about my husband too much...
--Frost St, Greenpoint
Overheard by: jayloo
Black man on cell: ... So I put my hand between her legs... Nah, she wasn't wearing any panties... She's mad cool, but she's married...
--Q46 bus
Overheard by: Izabela
Ghetto mama: ... And I said to her, 'No, I did not fuck yo' husband. But I did let him eat my pussy!'
--Nostrand Ave
Overheard by: Kris S.
God: You've Been Punk'd!
Boy: Why am I friends with you? Seriously, why would God punish me like this?
Girl: 'Cause he's really Satan?
Boy: Don't you fucking get all philosophical on my ass now!
--Grand Central
Overheard by: Lennon
She Kinda Likes the Conservation of Momentum, Know What I Mean?
Woman, falling against man as train stops suddenly: Oh, I'm so sorry.
Man: Hey, no problem. [Gestures at girlfriend] Get a little closer -- she isn't jealous. She don't mind.
--1 train
Unfortunately, Neither of Them Had a Tap
Hobo #1, rubbing another's belly: Hey, man, what ya got in there?
Hobo #2: Beer.
--Canal & Broadway
Overheard by: Stonned def
Edgar Bergen and Charlie McCoffee
Girl: Aw, thank you.
Barista, handing over bag of coffee: Now, that's sexy... Real sexy... [Spanks coffee down on counter.] Bad coffee! [Girl stares and gives tip.]
--Starbucks
Overheard by: NJ
He Works at the TBS Department of Humor Analysis
Guy #1: I wish I was back in Baltimore.
Guy #2: Pshhh... Maryland has crabs. Hahaha.
Old man passerby: Please! That's the same joke everyone tells about Maryland. Get some creativity!
--Union Square
Why the Country Voted for Him Twice
Bimbette #1: Like, I'm not okay with not believing him. Like, does that make sense?
Bimbette #2: Totally.
--East Village
Even the Truth
Redhead: I just learned that people can become lactose intolerant from drinking too much alcohol.
Guy: I told you -- the people at your intervention will tell you anything to get you to stop.
--91st St
When the Student Is Ready, the Bloated, Wheezing Teacher Will Appear
College kid #1: You know, I don't think I've ever actually had a Whopper.
College kid #2: Whoppers are the shit. But look, on the value menu, why buy a Whopper when you can get three and a half Whopper Juniors for the same price?
College kid #1, truly appreciative: Wow, Mike*, you're so smart.
--Burger King, 42nd St
Overheard by: Duncan Pflaster
Soon They'll Be in the Brooklyn
Tourist #1: Something's wrong. We're already at 36th Street, and we were supposed to get off at 49th.
Tourist #2: We're not in Manhattan yet, stupid.
Tourist #1: Oh, right, we're still in Bronx!
--R train, 36th St, Brooklyn
Overheard by:
You Can Fool Some Mexicans Some of the Time...
Guy #1: Cinco, por favor.
Guy #2: Cinco? That's dos, right?
--Sprint store
Overheard by: Thunder
In That It Is a Building and Is in New York
Asian tourist: Excuse me. Excuse me!
Guy: Yeah?
Asian tourist, pointing at random building: Is that the Empire State Building?!
Guy: Yes.
--Bryant Park
Overheard by: Priscilla Perez
That He Might Be Pregnant?
Woman: Well, I'll tell you one thing -- if you ever show up late again, I will have to refer to you as my late husband.
Man: Uh, you do know what that connotates?
Woman: Yep.
--Q train
Why Wouldn't It?
Tourist: Excuse me, does the F train stop here?
Employee: Are you kidding me?
--Subway restaurant, Houston & Lafayette
Can't... Stop... Talking... In... Ellipses...
Little girl: Can I have pizza?
Exasperated, sweaty mom: No, it's hot. And pizza is... hot. And it has... cheese...
--65th & Columbus
Overheard by: simon
I've Been Advocating for Child Labor Camps for Ages!
Woman on phone: I don't care if she did have a gun, they can't just stick a 16-year-old in with the general population!
--University Pl
Not Smart Enough to Appreciate Us, for Example
Guy: I don't know -- I think she intellectualizes everything, and she uses big vocabulary words, but that doesn't make her smart, you know?
Girl: Yeah, totally.
--W 4th & Morton
Overheard by: Duncan
But Buggers Can't Be Choosers, You Know
Queer #1: If you were a hot dog and you were starving, would you eat yourself?
Queer #2, giggling: Ewww... I don't like red meat.
--Chelsea
Overheard by: Allen B.
To Make Straight People Say "Fabulous"
Yuppie: I hate you. You totally made me buy this. It's fabulous!
Sales queen: That's why I'm gay.
--Saks Fifth Avenue
Overheard by: big spender
I Was Hoping Not to Have to Specify
Hobo: Hey, lady, can ya please spare some change?
Chick: You need subway fare? I think I have a few bucks left on my metro card...
Hobo: That ain't gonna help me, bitch. It's booze I need! Booze!
--53rd & Lex station
This Way We Won't Try to Eat the Chalk Again
Chick #1: We should go to class baked!
Chick #2: That would be a terrible idea.
Chick #1: Okay, we should go drunk, then.
Chick #2: That's a good idea.
--Ladies' room, NYU Law
To Increase the Value of Their Work
Artist: Painting is wearing me out. I think I'm ready to retire.
Sales associate: Artists do not retire. As a matter of fact, they are the only ones that do not retire.
Artist: Yeah, they just jump off a bridge or out of a window.
--New York Central Art Supply Store, 3rd Ave, between 10th & 11th St
I've Been Trying to Give Away As Much of It As I Can
Teen boy: C'mon! Touch the squirrel! Do it!
Teen girl: Oh, fuck no! I don't want to get rabies!
Teen boy: Actually, city squirrels have herpes.
Teen girl: I don't need any more of that!
--Midtown
Headline by: The Mac
Runners-Up:
· "Adam and Eve Hit the Big Apple" - haz
· "Don't Pick Up Anything That You Can't Put Down." - Dan Walker
· "Squirrel: Tell Me About It!" - twoferrets
· "The Pubic Lice Keep Eating Them" - samson
· "They Are Also Notorious Rapists." - Moldizzle
· "Unexpectedly, The Date Was Over" - J.M. Berger
Click here to see the new Headline Contest
When Value Systems Collide
Frat guy, to bodega employee: Do you guys have Vitamin Water?
Hobo: I got your Vitamin Water right here. It's called B-E-E-R!
--DeKalb Ave, Brooklyn
He Should Get a New Doctor So He Can Ask the Old Doctor Out
Teen guy #1: When you get a physical, it's normal to get a thumb up your ass, right?
Teen guy #2: Are you serious?
Teen guy #1: Why?
Teen guy #2: No, dude. That's fucked.
Teen guy #1: Yeah... Time for a new doctor.
--51st & 2nd
Overheard by: Your mom
Everything Old Is New Again
Chick: We could liquor him up and steal his soul.
Guy: Why would we want his soul?
Chick: Because black is the new black.
--140th & Broadway
He's Been Writing That in Men's Rooms Since the Carter Administration
Investment banker #1: God is dead.
Investment banker #2: Nietzsche is dead!
--46th & 5th
Must Have Been the Republican Party
Chick #1: I mean, I guess he thought I was being annoying and stuff -- calling him, telling him to come to this fun party, asking him to come downstairs and stuff.
Chick #2: Well, did he ever come downstairs?
Chick #1: Nah, he was fucking some bitch upstairs. But I guess the party was fun... for him.
--E train
Overheard by: City Girl
Just Put Them in My Pants
Psychic lady: Can I read your palms?
Man: Fuck no! Can I read yours?!
--Mulberry St
Overheard by: Joe
Worth Waiting for the Post-Game Recap
Suit #1: So, when are you meeting him downtown?
Suit #2: I don't know. It depends on when he gets done having sex with Gabrielle.
Suit #1: That doesn't sound too bad!
--32nd St
But I'm Not at All Happy with These Glasses
Chick: I like your grandma.
Guy: He's a dude.
Chick: Oh... I like your grandpa.
--City College
Overheard by: Low Quality pictures online
Bilocation Is Such a Burden
Girl: What time is it, 5:30? I'm not even supposed to be out.
Guy: Why not?
Girl: Because I'm in Milan!
--23rd St & Park Ave
Overheard by: Sara
NewsFlash: NYC Subways Falling Apart. In Other News, Sun Rose Today.
Crazy guy, unrolling huge chart: Look up, people! If you had looked up back there in the station, you would have seen paint and debris falling off the ceiling onto your heads! The city and the MTA don't want you to know the reason why it's falling off, but if you'll look at this chart, you can see that I've carefully mapped out -- every time the city repairs a street, directly below it the subway ceilings are falling down! See? They worked on 86th and Lex last week, and the ceiling is already falling down! [Continues ranting.]
UES lady to hubby: Next time you book this train, get us a seat in the non-delusional car.
--6 train, between 86th & 72nd
Overheard by: Volunteer Witness
Jerry Lee Lewis: Trust Me -- No One Finds It Funny
20-ish girl #1: They are sooo funny together! Like a pencil and an eraser.
20-ish girl #2: A pencil and an eraser?
20-ish girl #1: Okay, maybe that's not the best analogy. They're like... a stick and a ball!
20-ish girl #2: A stick and a ball...
20-ish girl #1: Yeah. Wouldn't it be funny if they dated?
20-ish girl #2: Wait, I thought you said they were cousins.
20-ish girl #1: Well, I'm not totally sure... But wouldn't it be funny if they dated?
20-ish girl #2: Uh...
--Brooklyn-bound D train
Or Maybe It Was Just That He Was a Jew
Guy #1: Can someone push eight? I guess I forgot. [Disembarks at eighth floor.]
Guy #2: Something about the way he said that made me want to hit him.
--NYU dorm elevator
Feedback: The Other Breakfast of Champions
Guy: Naw, you just stuck on stupid. I told you, you should've dropped down and sucked that nigga's dick.
Girl, resigned: Yeah...
--1st & Union, Williamsburg
Overheard by: Nat
And Her Embarrassed, Yearning Expression? Thought I'd Die.
Girl #1: Dude, you know she's gay. Remember when she hit on me?
Girl #2: Oh, yeah! Now I remember! She, like, tried to kiss you, and you fell backwards off the couch! I have never laughed that hard in my life.
Girl #1: Yeah, that was pretty funny.
--F train
Overheard by: Sara
If Being Dragged into a White Van Counts as "On Purpose," Then Yeah
Girl: Last night we went to a party in New Jersey.
Guy: On purpose?
--Cherry Tree Bar, 4th Ave, Brooklyn
Overheard by: ashley friedman
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