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You Try to Steal Mommy's Thunder, You Get Struck by Lightning
Little girl: Look, Mommy, it's a butterfly. Why do they call it a 'butterfly'? Because it looks like a fly?
Little boy: It's because it looks like butter and it flies, right, Mommy?
Mommy: Wrong.
--Pitt & Delancey
Overheard by: Manny
And It's Acid Rain, So You Save Money on Drugs
Elderly shopkeeper in the pouring rain: Hey! Hey, amigo! When you go home, don't take shower. You save money on bills.
--Morgan & Flushing, Brooklyn
Overheard by: Erin Partridge
There's a Lot of Competition to Be Liza's New Understudy
Man: How's this?
Woman: Like that, but way more sequins. It's got to catch the eye!
--Kohl's, Bay Parkway, Brooklyn
It's Good to See People Embracing Religion for Materialistic Reasons
Jewish guy #1: We should become born-again Christians so people have to get us presents and we can have parties on our born-again birthdays.
Jewish guy #2: That is the worst reason for converting I have ever heard... Wait, no -- actually, if we do it, can we have born-again bar mitzvahs?
--South St Seaport
That Lifts and Separates You from Your Girlfriend
Guy, after passing a lingerie boutique: Oh, and by the way, that underwear store is bad luck! Every girlfriend I've bought something for from there dumped me the next day!
Friend: Yeah, man, it's like a big steaming pile of bad luck.
--Thompson St, Soho
Overheard by: You have bad taste
And the Last Thing We Need Right Now Is to Go to an Alternate Universe
Girl: What about that cab?
Guy: We can't get that one. It's going to Penn Central.
--14th & University
Overheard by: Logan
It's a Discontinued Hasbro Toy from the Seventies
Boy #1: And I will milkshake all over your back.
Boy #2: And I will rub my lovely lady lumps all over your face.
--6 train
Overheard by: Alisha J.
Do Not Insert Any Part of the Chair into Any Part of You
Professor #1, reading from card: There is a chair available for your monologues. Do not stand on the chair. Do not throw the chair.
Applicants and parents: [Laugh.]
Professor #1: Do not disrobe.
Applicants and parents: [Laugh harder.]
Professor #2: You laugh, but they're on that card for a reason.
--NYU
Overheard by: ZB
I Hear If You Don't Have Sex for Two Years, You Become a Virgin Again, Too
Girl #1: Why does she seem so nasty and stressed all the time?
Girl #2: Well, I think it's because she's a lesbian by default.
Girl #1: A what?
Girl #2: A lesbian by default. She's such a bitch that guys don't want anything to do with her.
--Manhattan Lounge
Overheard by: fpod
'Cause If It Is, I've Got Plans!
College intern hitting friend with magic wand: Naked Bitch with big titties.
Little kid: Is that a real magic wand?!
--FAO Schwartz
She Was Hoping the Plaid Shirt Would Finally Do the Trick
Chick: Um, Mo, I never thought I'd ask you this, but... does this shirt make me look like a lesbian?
Lesbian, laughing: Oh my God, no! Just make sure nobody thinks we're together...
--192nd St & Broadway
Overheard by: Curly girl
When Silicone Got Banned, the Manufacturers Had to Get Pretty Creative
Wannabe thug paging through a Playboy, to another: Yo, check that shit out! Those are seven hundred bucks a pair. They got diamonds and crystals and shit in them!
--A train, W 4th St
You Think It's Funny When Another Old Man Gets His Ticket Punched?
Old man, after having ticket punched: He put holes in my ticket -- he ruined it! [Commuter woman laughs, thinking he's joking.] Why are you laughing? [Commuter woman gives another nervous laugh.] Why are you laughing?!
--LIRR
Overheard by: guingel
Looking for Booty, No Doubt
Drunk girl: Excuse me... Excuse me, sir. A lady pirate in the next car just violated me. She slid her sword down my skirt, man! For real -- she was a fuckin' pirate! There's a whole bunch of pirates in the next car!
--LIRR, Penn Station
Overheard by: Jesse
That's Why It's a Pin and Not a Sticker
Bus driver has huge sign pinned to his sleeve clearly reading, "Yes, I stop at Willowbrook Mall and 23 Park/Ride."
Woman boarding bus: Do you stop at Willowbrook Mall?
--Port Authority
In New York They Mean the Same Thing
Preppy girl to honking SUV driver: Fuck you!
Asian guy, walking other way: Bless you!
--59th & Park
Overheard by: Just trying to cross the street
The Free Market Arrives in China... Town
Teen tourist: How much for the sunglasses?
Vendor: Thirty dollars.
Teen tourist: In Chinatown?!
--Chinatown
Overheard by: Ozzy
Well, She Didn't Have Any Complaints
Drunk Hispanic teen: How do I get to Times Square?
Older white lady: I am not sure... Maybe two stops. [Teen whispers to her.] Good Lord, no! I am old enough to be your mother!
--F train, 57th St
After Crossing the Canadian Border, the Queen Began Behaving Erratically and Quarrelling with Prince Philip
Old lady #1: Well, we had already put ten thousand in the bank, so the Feds didn't get ahold of that, thank God.
Old lady #2: Oh, good. Will that cover the cost of the lawyer?
Old lady #1: His Highness doesn't want one.
--Veselka, 9th & 2nd
Overheard by: Cpt. Kate
It's a Big City
Girl at make-up counter: Where was yous at during the tornado yesterday?
Customer: Huh?
Girl at make-up counter: Guess you didn't got one, then.
--Kaufmann's, Walden Galleria
Overheard by: Rachel + Isaac
What Retired Spies Do for Entertainment
Wife: So, I'm allergic to cats.
Husband: And I'm allergic to dogs.
Wife: So there was no choice, really.
Old guy: But aren't ferrets illegal here?
Husband: If the city can let those damn marsupial-sized rats run around the tracks, then I sure as hell can have a ferret!
Wife: Besides, do you have any idea how fun it is trying to smuggle a smelly, squeaking animal out of an apartment right past the chain-smoking landlord? Getting the damn thing to the vet is even funner!
--Penn Station
The Management Will Address Your Concerns on February 30th
Preacher woman: They say, if you see something, say something -- if you see a suspicious package, say something! Well, Hell is a suspicious package!
Commuter: Since it's about a hundred and forty degrees down here, I'd say this was Hell. Who can I speak to about it?
--2/3 station, Fulton St
Overheard by: Karen Maria
But I'm Reading My Future!
Junkie lady to junkie guy: Get your hands out of your pockets! No pocket pool!
--22nd & Park Ave South
Overheard by: Damian
She Doesn't Speak "Asshole"... Oh, No, Wait... Yes She Does
Teen girl #1: I really want some sa'mores. We should totally make sa'mores.
Teen girl #2: Sa'mores? It's 's'mores,' not 'sa'mores'! Sa'mores! Sa'mores... Yeah... Sa'moron!
--81st & 3rd
Overheard by: i love smores
Ever Since It Didn't Happen Yet, Things Just Haven't Been the Same
College kid: They should put up a question on the big screen that says, 'Who fucked up the playoffs two years in a row for us: A) Number 13, B) ARod, C) Alex Rodriguez, or D) All of the above?
Friend: ... Or maybe Kevin Brown.
Man in front of them: The future ain't what it used to be...
--Yankee Stadium
I'm Also Afraid of Air and Carbon
Girl: I'm afraid of water.
Dude #1: I don't get that. I mean, aren't we all like 70 percent water or something? Or wait, is that only some people?
Dude #2: She's talking about being afraid of the ocean, not drinking water.
Dude #1: Ohhh.
--Penn Station
Overheard by: standing in front of them, unfortunately
Lois Commutes between Adoration and Homicidal Rage
Black woman, to eight-year-old white girl: I love the white people. You are so cute. I would babysit you. Come here.
White woman: Yes, give the little white girl a hug.
Black woman, to girl: If anyone fucks with you, I'm gonna be fucking with them.
--47th & 8th
Overheard by: alxie
She Lost All Respect for the USSR When They Stopped Threatening Nuclear Annihilation
Guy hearing fireworks go off: Wow! Listen to the fireworks! Or maybe it's the Soviet Union bombing Manhattan!
Girl, obviously unimpressed: Yeah, they totally need to make a comeback.
--3rd & 5th
Now Say You're Sorry and Order the Raw Poisonous Fish
Asian girl helping blonde with Japanese assignment: Okay, now tell me about something you would eat.
Blonde: Uhhh... Watashiwa inu o tabemasu...
Asian, exasperated: You don't eat dogs!
Blonde: Well, in Japan you do!
--Outside University Restaurant, University Place
But I Can't Specify When
Dude #1: I can't believe that random-ass bitch was there.
Dude #2: She was there?
Dude #1: Yeah. Now I have to call her.
--6 train
Overheard by: tricia
Is It Really an Accomplishment to Score Pussy If You're Gay?
Hipster: I've been meaning to talk to you about your new look. It's rather... um... guido.
Guido: Yeah, I know. But the pussy, dude -- the pussy, you wouldn't believe.
Hipster: It better be good, because your eyebrows are waxed. And you're a man.
--Washington Square Park
Overheard by: guido hater
I Know. Wine and Beer Help Me Relax.
Guy: Hey, let's go in there. They might have wine or beer.
Girl: Nah, I kinda wanna grab something hard.
--14th St, between 1st and 2nd Ave
Overheard by: Eve
I Killed My Parents for the Same Reason
Older guy: This is classic Tupac before the gangsta rap.
High school girl: What you listenin' to him for? He dead.
--31st & 7th
Headline by: Andrea
Runners-Up:
· "And Besides, His Grammar Is Sub-par" - Louis
· "John Edwards Radio: Dead Artists, Unfinished Buisness" - diana
· "My Anti-posthumousness Rule Also Applies to Literature. Shakespeare? Who Dat?" - Michelle
· "So? 3 Out Of 4 Americans Listen to That Jesus Guy!" - kh
Click here to see the new Headline Contest
Sarcasm is His Anti-Drug, but Only When He's High
Cop: Peace and love, you hear me? Peace and love. Peace and love. Fucking peace and love.
Tourist: I just want to know where track four is...
Cop: Peace and love! Now get the fuck out of my train station!
--Penn Station
Matt Dillon Just Popped a Champagne Cork into His Eye
Woman: I can't tell Matt Dillon and his brother apart.
Man: I know! I thought it was Matt Dillon on Entourage.
Woman: It is Matt Dillon on Entourage.
Man: No, it's his brother!
Woman: Nooo, it's Matt Dillon...
Man: Wait, is it?
--1 train, 14th St
Overheard by:
The Oblivious Thrill of Anticipating Wearing a Frat Guy's Semen on Your Leg
Girl #1: I can't wait 'til we get to college. We're going to be different people. And, like, we're going to be the best dressed people on campus. We're gonna be awesome!
Girl #2: Yeah. No one will dress better than us!
Girl #1: Yeah. So awesome!
--Macy's dressing room, 34th St
Overheard by: evie24
Wednesday One-Liners Are Getting Carpal Tunnel
Man on cell: So, my boss texted me and wanted to know about fleshlights...
--B train
Loud lady on cell: So you're the one who sent me a text message saying, 'A penis is the best breakfast because it has two eggs, a sausage, and milk'!
--Q25 bus
Chick on cell: You may have texted me about him, but because it was Halloween, I was too busy flogging dogs.
--Columbia University
Overheard by: McF.
Plagiarist: ... And he sent me a text message saying, 'I guess I have to do your homework now, L-O-L,' and I'm like, 'What's the L-O-L for? You think this is a joke?!'
--Baruch Collge, Newman Vertical Campus
Overheard by: I Am McLovey
Girl on cell: They were texting you from downstairs? Oooh, that's gay.
--Starbucks, Columbus Circle
Overheard by: Jenya
Wednesdays and Their Stupid One-Liners
Hot blonde: Do they kick in kick boxing?
--Upper West Side
Overheard by: haha
Tourist pointing to a church: Is that the Chrysler Building?
--E 10th & Broadway
Little boy, when train jerks to a stop: Did we just hit a deer?
--Manhattan-bound N train
Overheard by: paratactical
Teen tourist: Look, I know you guys have, like, musical theatres on Broadway and stuff, but do you guys have movie theaters?
--Canal & Broadway
Tourist pointing at S train car: This is the bus that will take us to Times Square, right?
--Platform for shuttle from Grand Central to Times Square
Overheard by: the answer is yes, but you're not right
Young girl on phone: Hells yeah, I walked out of that class! I don't even get why we still learn about immigration. I mean, who the fuck takes boats here anymore?
--23rd & Lex
Uncle Tom's Wednesday One-Liners
Short, fat sista: If she was only around my age, then I wouldn't mind a slave for life.
--27th & 7th
Overheard by: tuna on rye
White guy in scrubs: Wow. Now I know what it felt like to be in the bottom of a slave ship.
--Crowded Franklin Ave 2/3/4/5 platform, Brooklyn
Overheard by: pmd
Punk girl to friend: I'm going to make him my Ukrainian sex slave!
--N 4th St & Driggs Ave
Overheard by: Hipsterrrrrs
Dude: Yeah, well, let me say this in English -- she got arrested for selling people...
--Madison Square Garden
Black girl watching Asian girl mop floor: Slavery is back!
--NYFA, Union Square
Overheard by: kswin
Wednesday One-Liners Are Already Spending Their Rebate Checks
Father to son: You see, women do the shopping, so you gotta go to a good store to find a good woman.
--Penn Station
Overheard by: Trainspotter
Young boy to guy accompanying him: There are things that Americans can do better. We can burp a lot louder than Chileans. And we can spend a lot more money while shopping.
--Tom Crean: Antarctic Explorer performance, Irish Repertory Theatre
Overheard by: Michael Baker
Dude to friend: ... So every time he signs for a purchase on a credit card, he signs it 'Not valid' and Best Buy was the only store that ever caught it!
--Burns St, Forest Hills
Woman seeing old friend, and pointing to man beside her: Yeah, this is my new husband. He buys me Neiman Marcus. My old husband bought me Stein Mart.
--C train
Overheard by: Sarah F.
Valley girl tourist to street sweeper: Excuse me, where's the mall?
--34th & 7th
Overheard by: Really!
Fecal Coliform Wednesday One-Liners
Boricua: Yo, son, I told you! Birdseed don't know shit about shit!
--Fordham University
Announcer: The 10:30... Shit, the 11:30 six train to Ronkonkoma is now boarding on track eighteen. Shit...
--LIRR terminal, Penn Station
Eight-year-old girl: Mom, look! Mom, they got a nicer elevator than we do! Shit.
--7th & 2nd
Overheard by: BJ
Girl: Awww, all they have is shit!
--NYU dining hall
Loud woman on phone: So, guess what my 18-month-old daughter learned to say? 'Oh, shit.' And guess who she learned it from? Mommy.
--Bergen Beach-bound B3 bus
Overheard by: Robert
Wednesday One-Liners Lay the Smack Down
Big guy on phone: ... All I'm sayin' is that's wrong, man -- you hit an ol' woman, and you're a boxer!
--151st & Amsterdam
Overheard by: Thin walls
Guy on cell: So, wait -- you punched her or slapped her? In the face?! Oh. Ow... Yeah, that's still not appropriate.
--N 6th St, Brooklyn
Overheard by: j
Angry guy on cell: This guy laid a fucking warrant on me for beating up crackheads!
--168th & Fort Washington Ave
Overheard by: RR
Five-year-old girl to seven-year-old brother: I'll punch your Adam's apple straight down your throat!
--Graham Ave bus station
Black girl on rising escalator, to friend: If he says anything to me, I'm gonna kick him in the ding-ding and then run!
--Broadway East station
Overheard by: Subwaysurfer
Scrooge McDuck's Wednesday One-Liners
Fashionista to another: It didn't taste that good, but I really needed the money.
--Madison Ave
Overheard by: John Galt Jr.
Fashion student: The thing I can't stand about fine arts is how obsessed with money it's become... Yeah, so I'm leaving the program to study advertising.
--Whole Foods, Union Square
Overheard by: nova scotia
Security guard to another: I ain't here for the money. I'm here for the fuckin' prestige.
--Westminster Dog Show, Madison Square Garden
Overheard by: Amber Star
White chick on cell: Hi, honey! How are you? Are you being tickled by coins? Are you being tickled by coins?!
--LaGuardia Airport
Overheard by: mela
Guy on corner: Can you spare any change or frequent flyer miles?
--14th & 6th
Overheard by: Scientific
Frumpy lady to Joey Ramone lookalike: I'm feeling awfully constipated, baby! Constipated with money is the way I like to be!
--3rd Ave, Bay Ridge
Don't Bogart the Wednesday One-Liners!
Flyer guy to tourist: Take it, take it, it's free! But my weed is not. I'll be right here until five.
--45th & Broadway
Overheard by: Engi
Yuppie guy: Hey, you wanna buy a bong and get pierced?
--MacDougal & Bleecker
Overheard by: Betty Noir
Guy listening to iPod: Pussy, money, weed! Pussy, money, weed! Pussy, money, weed!
--183rd & Audubon Ave
Overheard by: BB
Black guy to another: All those niggas do is smoke weed and call ACS on each other!
--A train, Brooklyn
Guy on cell: Dude every time she sees me she's like, 'O-M-G, you're high.' And I usually am, but like, I like to think I hide it well. But she always knows. And even so, I'm like, 'Em, why do you have to comment on it every single time? At the dorms, at parties, even at Target one time!' Hahaha... But anyway, we might come Thursday. I'll see if my funds are in order to make the trip. What kind of shit would we have to wear? Beach stuff? Oooh, and I could rock my stunna shades.
--6 train
Guy outside MTV studios: Stay calm. Everything is going to be okay. There will be marijuana giveaways.
--1515 Broadway
Overheard by: Rebecca
Wednesday One-Liners Will Sleep with You If You Hold Still
Hot lesbo to another: You already have two girlfriends -- you don't need another boyfriend!
--92nd & 2nd
Hipster guy: Well, it's not like I'm into men, but there aren't really any girls around right now... It's convenient! At least I'm getting laid!
--In front of Metropolitan Bar, Williamsburg
Overheard by: Rowan
Mini thug with girlfriend. You know, baby, I just get homo sometimes.
--115th & Lenox
Wannabe lesbo: ... And I was like, 'What, just 'cause I like to sleep with men, that makes you more gay than me?!' And she was like, 'Uh, yeah.'
--Bedford Ave & Lincoln Pl, Brooklyn
Overheard by: equally gay
Fag hag to queer friend: She is so ruining my heterosexual life!
--42nd & 7th
Overheard by: j
Hipster dude to pals: I gotta go! I just found out this guy is bi!
--Parsons the New School for Design
Chick to another: She was a little bit bisexual in Hong Kong. But, then, who wasn't?
--1 train