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Cerebral Cortex? No....
Sorority girl tourist #1, about photo of guy on camera phone: Look at this gluteus maximus.
Sorority girl tourist #2: Oooh, nice gluteus maximus. Hey, what's with all the weird body part names, anyway? Gluteus maximus...
Sorority girl tourist #1: Vulva...
--34th & 8th
Overheard by: Dolores!
"Imagine there's no neurons/ It's easy if you try"
Female attorney: Bush said that America will rebuild Lennon. Why should we? We didn't bomb them. We have enough problems of our own to worry about. Bush is nuts!
Male attorney: Lennon's been dead for over 25 years.
--Outside Civil Court, Queens
Overheard by: Big Larry
When the Pretenders Ride the Train
Guy: Ladies and gentlemen, can I have your attention for a second, please? [All the strap hangers look at him.] Thank you for your attention. [Gets off the train.]
--6 train
Overheard by: Luke
Their Ad Expenditures Exceed Their Revenue
Hobo with jar around his neck reading "TIPS" is approached by another hobo wearing a sign reading "CLASSIC BUM." An American Apparel employee comes out and takes a Polariod.
"TIPS" hobo: This is a Bum War, lady. But you like what you see? Spare some change?
--Houston & Orchard
How Copy Editors Blow Off Steam
Metrosexual guy: If I was some fish...
Girl, not looking up from her bus schedule: Grammar just cried.
Metrosexual guy: I don't follow you.
Girl: Good, because if you did, I would have to have you arrested.
Metrosexual guy: I am so confused.
Girl: Do the words 'you are an idiot' confuse you?
Metrosexual guy: I hate you.
--28th & 5th
We Have Special Clubs for That
30-something fag hag: I mean, cum is a fine substance. In small quantities it can even be kind of pleasant. But you wouldn't want a bucket of it.
Queer: Speak for yourself.
--Miracle Grill
Overheard by: Trying not to choke on my nachos
Where's That?
Tourist suit: Excuse me, can you tell me where the Empire State Building is?
Guy: Just look up, man.
--32nd & 5th
Overheard by: still looks up
You Know, If the Developing World Can't Keep Track of Itself, What Chance Do the Rest of Us Have?
Filipino girl #1: So, he's from Bangladesh, right?
White guy: Really? Are you sure? 'Cause he looks white...
Filipino girl #2: Yeah, but he's really Filipino. Bangladesh is in Asia, right?
Filipino girl #1: Yeah, but not our part, which is why he doesn't look completely white like me.
--1 train
Even Jabba Liked Pretty Girls
Girl: He's gross.
Guy: Well, he likes you.
Girl: He's like Jabba the Hut!
--79th & Lex
Overheard by: Shivvers
On Appeal, the Court Reverses the Cookie Transaction and Remands the Name Issue to the District Court for Adjudication
Little girl #1: What's your name?
Little girl #2: No!
Little girl #1: Want a cookie?
Little girl #2, snatching it and shoving it in her mouth: No!
--Sandbox, Prospect Park
Overheard by: braincurve
"Titanic," before the Script Doctor
Chick: Hey, how's it going?
Dude: Hey, wassup?
Chick: Not much. It's so weird to see you outside.
Dude: I know. I told you I lived near you.
Chick: Oh, yeah. I remember now.
Dude: What are you doing here?
Chick: Heard the coffee here is pretty famous.
Dude: Yeah, it is.
Chick: Anyways, I gotta go, but do you even know my name?
Dude: No...
Chick: What? I know yours. Tony, right?
Dude: No. I'm Dennis.
Chick: Oh, shit. Okay, Dennis. I'm Sonia. Anyways, gotta go. I will see you again, okay?
Dude: Alright. Bye.
Chick: Bye.
--Central Park
And Some Potpourri
Straight Jewish boy: Oh, man, with going now to see the Assassination of Jesse James by the coward Robert Ford, plus I saw 3:10 to Yuma last week, I'm going to have seen two westerns in the past two weeks. I feel so manly.
Hipster girl: Don't worry, we can go get you a throw pillow later.
--Outside the Angelika
Probably Consensual, Anyway
Witness #1: Damn, he slapped the shit out of her.
Witness #2: Use your phone and call the cops.
Witness #1: Hell no. You saw what he just did to his girl -- imagine what he would do to me!
--Flatbush area
Overheard by: Damion
Those Who Can't Teach Gym Become President
Big guy: My grandmother is a science teacher, my father is a math teacher, and my brother is going to be a professor.
Little chick: And you want to be an actor -- what a disappointment.
Big guy: Well, if the acting thing doesn't work out, I'll be a gym teacher, because those who can't do, teach. And those who can't teach, teach gym.
--Olive Garden, Times Square
Overheard by: teetee
He Could Also Bite Your Knee-caps Off, So Be Careful
Dwarf with walking disability: Could you go upstairs and get me a glass of water?
Man: Water? To drink?
Dwarf: Yeah, to drink. What do you think I'm gonna do with it, wash my hair?
Nearby woman: You could swim in it, I guess.
--Abington Theatre Lobby
Overheard by: Chris
Eventually They Both Discovered New York's Sequential Street-Numbering Scheme
Hippie kid: Hey, man, do you know which way North is?
Club kid: Wow, I'm bad with directions...
Hippie kid: So, does that mean you don't know how to get to 15th Street?
Club kid: Oh, yeah! I can give someone the right directions for once! It's that way [points to 13th Street.
--14th & 8th
Until Uncle Walter Showed Me.
Girl #1: So, I watched that movie Thirteen the other night. It was awesome.
Girl #2: Yeah, that was a really good movie. The girls in that movie were so mature for 13-year-olds. When I was 13, I didn't even know what an ovary was!
--Whole Foods, Columbus Circle
His Heart Flutters at the Mere Sight of a Lilac-Scented Hanky
Suit #1: It's not that I don't like golf, but it is so similar to croquet, yet everyone makes fun of me for playing croquet!
Suit #2: Well, maybe it is because it's an old lady's sport.
Suit #1: Well, then goddammit -- old ladies sure know how to have fun!
--59th & Broadway
Nuh-Unh!
Man: I don't have a thousand dollars to give you.
Woman: You do too, sir.
Man: I don't. I can give you some money today, but I don't have a thousand.
Woman: You do too, sir.
Man: I can write you a check later this week, but I don't have a thousand right now.
Woman: You do too, sir.
--Courtroom D, 100 Center St
Overheard by: Inkling
And Yet We Are Living in a Material World, Is It Not So?
White guy, feeling shirt material: This is nice. What kind of fabric is this shirt?
Black guy: It's, uh... grey.
White guy: Grey? That shit's not a material!
--Century 21
Here, Use My Machete
Girl: I haven't done anything fun this summer. I'm so bored.
Guy friend: Go hunting. Man hunting.
--6 train
The Creationists Are Going to Love This One
Ghetto girl: Hey, look! What's that? I think it's an egg!
Friend: What the hell?! What's wrong with you? Monkeys don't lay eggs!
Ghetto girl: ... Well, how was I supposed to know that?!
--Bronx Zoo, Jungle World
Overheard by: cracking up behind them
Strongly Doubt Walt Would Have Given a Starring Role to a Black Person, Even a Deer
Teen thug #1: This weekend, I'm goin' huntin'.
Teen thug #2: You goin' kill Bambi?
Teen thug #1: Yeahhh, I'll shoot that nigga!
--Staten Island Projects
The Other White Trash
Guy taking out trash: Oh, man, this is pretty gross.
Girl: Yes, it's full of your semen.
--Columbia University
Overheard by: LB
Five O'Clock Shadow?
Guy #1: Did I tell you I saw a woman's pussy on the train today?
Guy #2: Nah, man.
Guy #1: Yeah, this chick sat opposite me in the shortest skirt, and her pussy was just like, BAM! There!
Guy #2: No way! She had no panties?
Guy #1: Of course. She was Hispanic.
Guy #2: Was that shit shaved?
Guy #1: I... uhhh... It was definitely buzzed.
--12th & Washington
I Hear He's Looking for a Cabin Boy, If You Know What I Mean
Conductor: All tickets... Ticket, please.
Drunk pirate guy: I, uh... I don't have any money... Uh [unintelligible slurring]...
Man nearby: Hey, conductor, ask for the fare in doubloons, or pieces of eight!
--Eastbound LIRR
Overheard by: Alex
If by "Fun" You Mean Lying on the Floor Drooling, Then Yes.
Guy #1: Dude, I've got nub.
Guy #2: I've got rocks.
Guy #1: Word.
Guy #2: Oh, let's put them in the hookah and smoke all of them at the same time. I heard it's a fun game.
--Central Park
Overheard by: Samantha
Sorry, Proving Your Opponent Right Is Not a Valid Counter-Argument
Customer: Maybe you should just quit your job.
Employee: Maybe you should just shut the fuck up!
--PATH train, 125th St
Overheard by: vegannramember
I'm Sketchy in a Much Cooler Way
Girl #1: Yeah, I got a fake ID yesterday at 42nd Street.
Girl #2: Oh my god, let me see!
Girl #3: Yeah, I wanna see, too!
Girl #1: No way. We're not passing it around. I'm not sketchy like that.
--Pratt Institute, Brooklyn
It's Like Iraq: the Curds Get in the Whey
Girl: ... And then she put it in front of me, and I was like, 'Hello! I hate cottage cheese!'
Queer friend: Oh my god. Cottage cheese is albino diarrhea!
--90th & Broadway
He Put His Foot in His Mouth One Time Too Many
Teen girl on cell: So, where are you? So, what happened? Not to your shoe! In the hospital?!
--Central Park
Overheard by: concerned trespasser
She's Not So Good with Things Not Discussed on "Sex and the City"
Customer: Can you tell me if there are any locations in the Washington DC or Baltimore areas?
Secretary: Um where is Baltimore?
Customer: It's in Maryland.
Secretary: No, we don't have any in Maryland... And DC -- where is DC?
Customer: Like, Washington DC...
Secretary: It says we don't have any in that state. There's some close by in Arizonia and California though.
Customer: No, Washington DC -- like, our nation's capitol.
Secretary: No, I don't think so. Sorry, I'm not so good with geography.
--Brite Smile, 57th St
Overheard by: Tracey G
Also the Argument for Laxative Abuse
Guy: I guess I'd rather be bulimic than anorexic.
Girl: Oh, why?
Guy: Well, I guess it's the more satisfying eating disorder, cause you can taste yourself getting skinnier every time you vomit!
--40th & Park
Overheard by: Mal
And the Gypsies Just Aren't Nabbing Them Like They Used to
Flustered woman, about her brood: Have we lost anyone yet?
Husband: Ummm... No.
Flustered woman: Well, who are we going to lose first? Because we haven't lost anyone yet.
--Times Square
Overheard by: Josh
Headline by: Aeirlys
Runners-Up:
· "Because Abortion THIS Late in the Term Is Just Tacky" - Hillary Claire
· "Hobos Aren't Born. They're Made." - Krisztina
· "It Looked So Much Easier in Home Alone" - You Don't Want To Know
· "Things Were Shaky Until Fraulein Maria Came Along" - allison
· "Two Roads Diverged in the Woods - I Chose the One My Children Couldn't Travel" - Drewp
Click here to see the new Headline Contest
Five Years Till It's Available Only on DVD
Bible-thumping lady: Get your Bible! We only have approximately five years left!
Passerby: Five years! Fuck! I gotta get movin'!
--Grand Central
Overheard by: Adam Bertocci
A Hipster in CoolMax Is Like a Goth in Tennis Whites
Hipster chick: ... And she was wearing velvet?! Velvet! How can you wear velvet in this heat?!
Bicycle jock: Maybe it was CoolMax.
--F train
Overheard by: Braincurve
Except with More Cocaine
Tween boy, pointing at bumper sticker: Cool, Venezuela.
Guy unloading car: No, it says 'Villanova.'
Tween: What's that?
Guy: It's a college.
Tween: Oh. [To himself] Is that in Venezuela?
Passerby: Yep.
--1st & 5th, Park Slope
Overheard by: Kate
Haha! You Said "Wednesday One-Liners"!
Professor: So, the probability you're dealing with a straight is determined by what comes out the back end here.
--Statistics lecture, Columbia University
Overheard by: Chuckles
Blonde hairstylist to male customer: Men are easy. I could do 15 men a day.
--Upscale hair salon
NYU professor about expertise involved in determining chicken gender: When was the last time you turned over a chick?
--NYU
Biology professor: Homo erectus? Homosapiens? I don't know... So many homos.
--Wagner College
Overheard by: Catherine
Prim older lady: You guys could eat out. Also, you could go out for dinner... Yes, I'm twelve.
--Relish, Williamsburg
Overheard by: Ursula and Winifred
Wednesday Just Can't Commit to a One-Liner
Mid-20s girl: I never date a guy who gets more than three questions wrong on the SATs. I don't plan it, it just works out that way.
--23rd & 8th
Overheard by: Limey
Hipster on cell: I went through this time when I was like, 'I could have 800 girlfriends at the same time and just not tell them about each other.' That was much easier...
--Bedford Ave, Williamsburg
Guy pointing to nothing in particular on the sidewalk: Uh, dude, you dropped your girlfriend.
--Times Square
Overheard by: christine
Muslim woman in full abaya, dragging husband along: Right now I need to focus on my needs. Do you hear me? This is about my needs!
--Atlantic Ave, in front of Brooklyn Heights YMCA
Man to woman on the sidewalk: Well, we had our one, but it wasn't so much a fight as it was a mini-series.
--12th, between 6th & 5th
Overheard by: Karen
Girl: My asshole boyfriend! I was just staying with him until Valentine's Day so that I could get a present, and tomorrow he's history! But then I didn't even get that!
--NYU Silver Center
Wednesday One-Liners Click "It's Complicated"
Chick: It's about your cyber personality, and if your cyber personality doesn't want to be in a relationship with me on Facebook, that's okay!
--NYU Hayden Staircase
Coed: I don't know... if Sheryl* with the two kids by the two different baby-daddies can have a good MySpace, I think pretty much anyone should be able to do it.
--Hunter College
Overheard by: ImmaculatePizza
Hipster girl: It looks like MySpace exploded in there!
--The Knitting Factory, 74 Leonard St
Overheard by: Cassie
20-something girl: So, the quadriplegic I hooked up with added me as a friend on Facebook last night.
--Chipotle, 51st & 8th
Geek prophet: No one is ever away from Google, really.
--Near Holland Tunnel
Overheard by: Claire H.
Angry chick, to boyfriend: Look, I'm not changing my Facebook status!
--6th & Ave A
Overheard by: Kremilyse
30-ish woman: I said I wouldn't date him 'til he gets rid of the typos on his MySpace profile... Am I a snob?
--Tom's Diner, Morningside Heights
Overheard by: ball-and-veining tool
The Wednesday One-Liner Says, "Move on Back"
Bus driver to lady at stop: There are three more buses behind me! They like to stick together! They don't like to be alone!
--B41 bus
Bus drive: Next stop, Queensborough Community College -- where dreams come true. If you ever thought of going back to college, but are too scared, thinking, 'Oh, I'm too old,' well, you should go to school. Now arriving at QCC... And remember, knowledge is power.
--Q27 Bayside bus
Overheard by: Caro-kun
Bus driver, about traffic jam: Ladies and gentlemen, Fifth Avenue will be the next stop. We will be arriving in seven to ten days. [Minutes later] Attention! The waiter will be around shortly to take your dinner orders. The next crosstown movie will be Gone with the Wind.
--M79 bus
Bus driver: Does anyone know the route once we get to the airport? If you do, please step forward.
--M60 bus to LaGuardia
Overheard by: Stephen B.
Bus driver to woman running towards the stop as the bus slows down: Calm down, lady! There isn't any crack that way! Relax!
--Atlantic Ave
Bus driver, as passengers are disembarking: Leave my kingdom. Education is just two minutes away.
--B1 bus, Kingsborough College
Overheard by: Robert
Wednesday One-Liners Break the Curve
Asian girl to friend: You know her! She's the Asian girl -- you know, the one with the eyes!
--Empire State Building
Overheard by: Chuckles
Little boy about Japanese man: Mom, how come that man is closing his eyes all the time?!
--Liberty St
Overheard by: galgal
Emo Asian boy: You can recover from drug or alcohol addictions, but there is no cure for Asianism.
--Weinstein Dining Hall, NYU
Drunk Asian man: Did you see that mosaic? It's all wrong. The Asians were all one shade of yellow. What kind of art work is that? Look at me and my people -- we're multiple shades!
--R train
20-something woman: Being an Asian and being a tranny aren't the same thing.
--Dallas BBQ, Chelsea
Overheard by: Ladle
Wednesday One-Liners Are History, Dude
Guy holding baby: I've decided I'm going to write a pop-up history of the ancient world, based on Herodotus. Should be great for babies.
--Strand Bookstore
American history tutor: The only dictator I know of is Hugo Chavez, and that's because I met him.
--Jake's Saloon, 57th & 10th
Overheard by: poor kid's gonna fail that test
Rich mom with two kids: ... And it was named after our country's first president, Christopher Columbus.
--117th & Broadway
Overheard by: doesn't get columbus day off
Guy to friend: If I can make it through the '80s, I can make it through anything.
--Astor Pl
Overheard by: squishduck
Professor: Sigismondo Malatesta was the only person in history to ever be publicly consigned to Hell by the pope. Now, that's when a pope was a pope. I wish the pope would just get on TV and say, 'You're going to Hell!'
--Fordham University - Rose Hill
Overheard by: Christina
Guy: Wait, have I ever told you guys about my irrational fear of the late 1800s?
--NYU dorm
Overheard by: Danimal
Wednesday One-Liners Wish They Had Porcupine Quills
Woman on crowded train: They're gonna make me eat the pole.
--E train
Overheard by: wish i had a pole to hold on to
Man to androgynous passenger: Are we going out on a date later? Because if we aren't, you better get off of me!
--Crowded Q27 bus
Conductor on PA: To put it simply, get in where you fit in!
--C train
Overheard by: Maggie
Bus driver: Move it back, people, it's crowded. It's gonna get tight back there. But you know what I always say -- 'If it's tight, it's alright.'
--10th St & Ave D
Conductor, as his crowded train pulls into the station: Well, whaddya know?! More people.
--F train, Broadway & Lafayette
Overheard by: da sarkastik ninja.
Wednesday One-Liners Get an "A" in Conduct
Conductor: Please step out onto the platform to enter the first five cars... [Couple tries to go through conductor's booth.] Please step out onto the platform... [Couple keeps trying to open door.] Please step out onto the platform! [Couple tries again.] Step out onto the platform! Oh my god!
--1 train
Conductor to two girls getting off train but lingering on platform: What's the matter, ladies, you don't like my traaain?
--6 train stop, 51st & Lex
Conductor on stopped train: Ladies and gentlemen, we'll be moving really, really, really, really, really shortly. [Long, resigned sigh] I hope.
--L train
Overheard by: Wild Dog Boy
Bored conductor: Welcome to Times Square, crossroads of the universe.
--7 train
Male conductor: Good morning and God bless. Have a happy Valentine's Day, especially all you ladies.
--A train
Overheard by: Rita
Conductor: Fordham, this is the Fordham stop. You may exit here, but please, no new passengers are to get on at this stop. Sir, I said no passengers may get on the train... Anyone wearing a brown jacket may not get on