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Shake What Your Baby-Daddy Gave You
Woman in elevator: I am so glad they are finally making stylish maternity clothes. I mean, honestly, when I am pregnant I can't just like stay home and sit with my kid in me. I want to go out and shake my ass.
Her friend: I know, thank god.
--Elevator
Either That or a Dance Step
Teenage girl #1: What did he say?
Teenage girl #2: He just texted me back "touché". Everyone always says that, what does that mean anyway?
Teenage girl #1: Ummm...I think it's like "true that!"
--Nail Salon, Park Slope
And I'm Like, You Just Happened to Have a Video Camera?
Teenage girl: My mom is always walkin' in on me having sex. I'm all like, mom what the fuck, I'm all having sex. Get the fuck out.
Teenage boy: Oh daaamn, I hate that. I always turn the music up real loud so my mom can't hear me fuck. I fucked my girl to that Akon song. I was in her so deep and that shit was just pumpin'!
Girl: Ohh daaamn.
Boy: You need to tell your mom to get all out yo shit.
Girl: Yeah, she's always walkin' in right in the middle and I'm all like, mom get out. Then she tells me she didn't know, and I'm like, mom I don't got to tell you every time I'm having sex.
--Target, Brooklyn
Overheard by: Nate
It's a Real One-Traffic-Light Town
Blonde with group of tourists: Is New Jersey that way? [Points toward the west.]
New Yorker: Yes, but there's a river between here and there.
Blonde with group of tourists: You mean we can't walk there?
New Yorker: Not really.
Blonde with group of tourists: Damn girls, what are we going to do tonight? We can't go to Jersey and there's nothing to do in New York.
--40th & 6th
Overheard by: Jersey, the state that never sleeps.
Psh, Like Anybody Normal Goes to Bronx Science
Nerd: They should have an alphabet bar... You know, where they sell you alphabets.
Girl: Wow, are you the new freak on the gymnastics team?
--Bronx Science Gymnastics Team
Overheard by: LSb
You're Just Jealous Because Heath Ledger's Housekeeper Called Me and Not You
Skinny girl #1: ... And these guys always want to do blow with me, like all the time, it's so weird!
Skinny girl #2: Awww, no one ever wants to do blow with me.
Skinny girl #1, whispering loudly: That's because your ass is the size of Russia.
--Tiffany & Co.
Overheard by: EDW
He Only Eats Chicken / Beef / Whey Protein Cannolis
Dad in pet food aisle, near huge bags of kitty litter: You can't haul that.
Son: 190 pounds of solid muscle, man.
Dad, snorting: Thought that was canoli.
--Key Food, 4th St & Avenue A
Overheard by: Michelle
Will She Do an Inverted 4-G Dive at 2 Meters?
Queer #1: That guy's kinda cute.
Queer #2: Dude, that's a dyke...there's a whole contingent of dykes that strive for the Tom-Cruise-from-Top-Gun look.
--10th St & Ave A
Overheard by: paulie
Don't Even Try Getting All Decimally on a Twelve-Month Year
Girl #1: ... And his little brother, who was like 0.6 years old...
Girl #2: Wait. 0.6 years?
Girl #1: Yeah, you know, like half a year.
Girl #2: God, you are so idiotic!
--Statue of Liberty
No, Just Marrying Them
Girl to younger sister: Well, "taboo" is something that society does not accept.
Little girl: Do you mean like Puerto Ricans?
--2 Train
...to Go
Girl: Well, you would have to be loaded to get someone to wash your balls every hour.
Guy: No, I wouldn't. I could do that shit now! Just pay someone who works at McDonald's five bucks an hour more, they would so do it.
Girl: Yah, but do you really want someone who worked at McDonald's washing your balls?
Guy: I'm getting a chubby.
--Greene St & Spring St
Overheard by: Laughed Out Loud
The Word's Out on The Bucket List
Woman #1: How are your girls?
Woman #2: They're good. My four-year-old said something "sucked" the other day -that was fun.
--Crunch Gym, 38th St
Overheard by: Maggie
So It's Not "Punani"?
Girl #1: What's the plural of "panini"?
Girl #2: It's just "panini" ... Like goose.
--28th & 2nd
Your Editors Are Appalled by This Display of Public Decency
Girl #1: What's a blow job?
Girl #2: [looks at her strangely then laughs] are you seriously asking that?
Girl #1: Yeah.
Girl #2: We're gonna have a long discussion later...
--231st St
Overheard by: Adrian
You Are the Play-Doh Fun Factory of Vomit
Hardhat #1, feigning retching: Bleaahhhhhh!
Hardhat #2, laughing: Yeah, but truth be told, ain't no one throw up as smooth as I do. Do you know anyone smoother?
Hardhat #1: You right, you do throw up smooth.
--Construction Site, 86th & 3rd
Overheard by: Barry
The Episode of The Nanny That Never Made It to Air
Girl #1: Let's go to a karaoke bar!
Girl #2: Are you shitting me? My voice sounds like a cat being anally raped!
--East 6th, between 1st Ave and Ave A
I Won't Even Let a Stranger Wash My Car
Old lady #1: So, they put you on a slab and the coroner washes your body, like if you were all dirty if you died in an accident.
Old lady #2: They take your clothes off?
Old lady #1: Of course!
Old lady #2: I don't think I want a strange man looking and washing my cooch!
--Bay Ridge
And Afterwards, He Even Said It Was "Fabulous"
Girl: So you kept sleeping with him after he told you?
Friend: Yeah. I mean, he couldn't have been that gay... We were having sex!
--Cafe Lafayette, Brooklyn
Girl Dead in Hit and Run. (For Full Story Click {link}here{link})
Cab driver, to girl crossing the street when red hand signal is on: What are you doing!!?? [honks horn repeatedly.]
Girl, taking her time crossing: Yeah, Yeah. So your horn blows, does your mother?!
--38th St & 9th Ave
Overheard by: Nic
Hasn't Stopped Prince Charles
Man: I'm getting kind of sick of Will Ferrell.
Woman: Well, he's kind of an asshole...and he has bad teeth.
--Central Park
Overheard by: Ethan
I Also Failed My Logic Class
Transplanted valley girl: I had so much sex sophomore year, but, like, I could never get a boyfriend!
Guy: Hmmmmm, weird!
--E 6th St & 2nd Ave
Overheard by: pete gunz
It's Unlikely Grandma Will Be That Grateful.
Comedy promoter to guy carrying flower: Oh, a flower! Somebody's getting laid tonight!
Guy carrying flower: That's doubtful.
--Times Square
I AM THE ONE OUT THERE ON THE STREET!
Four-year-old girl screaming: IT IS MY MONEY AND I WANT IT BACK!
Shockingly calm but exhausted Dad: No Sarah, it is OUR money.
Sarah [chanting over and over while stomping her feet.]: IT IS MY MONEY! I WANT IT BACK!
--Bank, Madison Ave & E 65th
Overheard by: Christina
And So's That Guy Who Plays Keyboard for the Muppets. What's Your Point?
Young Man #1: No, no no no!
Young Man #2: You're wrong and they're wrong.
Young Man #1: Naw, man, look-
Young Man #2: You are WRONG and they are WRONG.
Young Man #1: They can't, it's not like-
Young Man #2: A psychiatrist is a DOCTOR, man.
Young Man #1: So is a massage therapist!
--39th & 12th
Overheard by: Keri
Buns as Soft as Yours Deserve the Hardest Salami I Can Give You
Middle Aged Woman: I'd like to get some hard salami, but I'd like to see it first.
Serious Deli Man: You would like to see my hard salami? [goes to get it and brings it out to show her]
Woman: Is it very hard salami? How hard is the salami?
Serious Deli Man: Ma'am, I don't think it is hard enough for you.
--Fairway Market
Overheard by: Jen
Teabagging Will Be an Event in the 2008 Olympics
Guy looking like Steven Wozniak circa 1980s: Look at the size of this tea bag compared to the size of my cup.
Homely little house on the prairie girl: I swear my great aunt has the biggest tea bags known to man. You can soak those things for hours and they still won't shrivel.
--Perch Diner
Overheard by: brandon the short texan tourist
Believe Me, He Would Know
Guy #1: Hey...Sam?
Guy #2: No...Sam's my brother.
Guy #1: Oh...sorry. Dude, you look just like him.
Guy #2: Well, we're brothers.
Guy #1: Me and my brother don't look anything alike.
Guy #2: Huh. Guess your mother was a whore.
--37th & 3rd
Otherwise the Movie Soundtrack Would Lag Behind the Images
Woman: Light travels faster then sound, right?
Man: I don't think so.
--Stuyvesant Square
Also, in a Real Glacier Walk, You Can Only Move a Few Inches a Year
Suit #1: Paul and I just came back from Alaska.
Suit #2: Did you do the glacier walk?
Suit #1: Paul did. He took three steps and then came back in.
Suit #2: Only three steps?
Suit #1: Well, it's icy.
--Javits Center
Note That She Hasn't Answered It
Man: Hey, can I ask you just one question?
Woman: You just did. [keeps walking.]
--36th St & 8th Ave
Overheard by: Steven Lowell
No, Experience Has Taught Me It's Much Easier to Hurt Strangers
Boy, speaking to sister: So, next time you're out with your boyfriend and you don't pick up your phone because you don't hear it in your bag, I'm beating him up.
Girl: Uhh...don't you think you should meet him first?
--Dyker Beach Golf Course
Overheard by: Lotte
...It's Extra-large, Right? I Don't Want To Get Your Herpes.
[Twenty something chick stops in the middle of the store and looks around.]
Twenty something dude, who is obviously brother of twenty something chick: What? What are you looking for?
Twenty something chick: The condoms.
--Duane Reade, Penn Station
Overheard by: Rich Mintz
With New Stereotypes Arriving Daily, It's Hard to Keep Up
Black bagger: I got to get me a soos. Man, I need a soos. Honey, you know where I could get me one?
Black woman paying for groceries: No.
Black bagger: Oh, hey I bet this guy knows. Hey guy! You! Do you know where I could find me a massage therapist?
White guy in line: I have no idea.
Black bagger: Oh, damn; I thought you'd know.
--Supermarket, Nostrand Ave, Stuyvesant Town
Overheard by: Duncan Pflaster
That Would Explain All the Helmets.
Man to woman after hearing a man sing "Amazing Grace": Maybe it was the all-retarded hour at church.
--Bronx
Overheard by: ClaRity
Headline by: bobofthejungle
Runners-Up:
· "Another Happy Sunday with Simon and Paula." - again
· "But It Still Beats the All-Amputee Hour at the Strip Club." - SNA
· "Flowers For AlgerNun" - Paul K.
· "From Midget Masses to Handicapped Hymns, Mega-Churches Pull Out All The Stops" - stacey
· "They're Down with God" - Rostkowski
Click here to see the new Headline Contest
So Much Classier to Just Hide in the Bushes
Suit #1: Dude, he's SO strange. You know I walked passed his desk yesterday and he was researching stuff on his computer about religion. Some multicultural shit or something.
Suit #2: Woah.
Suit #1: Yeah, I know. [Pauses.] You know I bet he's like one of those guys that dates a girl and calls her all the time and stalks her.
Suit #2: Totally.
--Starbucks, 30th and Park
Overheard by: Faetra
He's Got Jungle Fever
Chinese food lady in Chinese take-out restaurant: Duck sauce, soy sauce?
Mr Clean-looking guy: Uhh Uhh... [Scratches shiny head.] I dunno, the Black sauce.
--Flushing, Queens
Son: Women Are Evil, and This Is How We Mask Our Shame
Little Boy: Mommy, what's THAT? [points to tampon machine in the bathroom.]
Mom: It's for girls.
Little Boy: But what does it DO??
Mom: It's for girls.
Woman exiting bathroom stall: You're gonna have a hard time explaining this one.
--Barnes and Noble, Park Slope
Wednesday Wears the One-Liners in This Family
Southern tourist in pink pants: I don't see anybody else wearing pink pants around here!
--73rd & Broadway
Overheard by: Harriet Vane
Girl on cell, wearing leggings and a t-shirt: Oh, shit, I forgot to put on pants again.
--Columbia University
Lady in corner stall: Damn, I done sweated through my pants!
--Restroom, 1 Liberty Plaza
Smug girl to gaggle: No, these are my period pants. My mom washed them for me!
--Columbia University
Overheard by: bih.
Thug: I'm the only playa in the hood with his pants on his waist!
--10th & Ave B
Overheard by: Kayla K
Conductor over intercom: Attention, all crew members! Be sure you have your pants! Hey, Larry, you got yo' pants?
--Penn Station
Overheard by: Geologist
God Bless Wednesday One-Liners
Cop: There are no downtown express trains! I repeat, there are no downtown express trains. If you have a problem with that, take it up with the President of the United States!
--Penn Station
Overheard by: Trixie
Suit on cell: The problem with Canada is that it's not the U.S.
--129th St, Harlem
Overheard by: Koen
Black guy on cell: Yeah, what is Condoleezza Rice, anyway? I think she's Puerto Rican or Dominican. She's definitely not American.
--Barnes & Noble, W 66th St
Black guy to white friend eating lunch: Ah, yes, the American dream: doing nothing while eating a sandwich.
--Stuyvesant High
Hobo: Thirty-two-gallon garbage can -- who wants this beautiful 32-gallon garbage can? Made right here in the US-of-A! Come on, people! It's an American product at Mexican prices. Now, what's my first bid?
--4th Ave & Atlantic
Overheard by: Mike N
Large black lady on cell: I know, right? Osama bin Laden is like the Uncle Sam of America!
--CVS Pharmacy
Let's Talk about Wednesday One-Liners, Baby
Girl to friend: That's the difference between you and me: I have camp and you have sex.
--Bard High School Early College
Female commuter to male commuter after he accused her of pushing onto train: Just be grateful you had someone to rub against on a Friday night.
--6 train
Overheard by: Carol
Bearded dude: If you can't tell me within five seconds the most number of fingers you've ever had in a woman at one time, I don't want to talk to you about sex.
--Whiskey Park, Central Park South
Overheard by: Argopelter
Guy on cell, talking to someone's voicemail: Hi, it's Reacharound. I'm on my way to the library, but let me know if you want to get dinner later.
--Houston & Sullivan
Overheard by: lish
Chick: Actually, I can't think of anything that's not a metaphor for sexual awakening.
--Starbucks, 44th & 9th
Overheard by: Rose Fox
Vendsday One-Liners
Perfume guy: Gucci! Gucci! Gucci'll get you a hoochie!
--Macy's
Overheard by: alison
Woman selling belongings on street: Look here, deodorant! Brand new! One dollar.
--44th, between Lex & 3rd
Hawker with "Cheney/Satan '08" bumper stickers: Inappropriate stickers here!
--Outside Grand Central
Musician to passerby eating cookie: If you like cookies, you'll love my new album!
--9th & 6th
Overheard by: Gil
AM New York lady to another: Bitch, don't be comin' over here! AM New York, people -- get your AM New York! Fuck you, you bitch, I been here since seven AM every day this week. Don't be givin' me that shit. Get your lazy ass off my corner 'fore I cut you! Fuck you, bitch! Fuck you! AM New York, people, AM New York...
--Penn Station
Overheard by: BJ
Comedy hawker: Free bag of marijuana with your purchase! Yaaay!
--43rd & 7th
Overheard by: Sarah R
A Lovin' Spoonful of Wednesday One-Liners
Little boy: I love Manhattan! I love Tic-Tacs!
--Brooklyn Heights
Wife to husband: No wonder your eyebrows are making love!
--47th & 5th
Overheard by: anon
Biotech to texting friend: Now we'll see how much he cares about you. I love testing people!
--23rd Ave, Astoria
Overheard by: sara n.
Gleeful hobo rubbing stubble beard: I love my beard! Mmmm, I love you.
--93rd & Broadway
Overheard by: punkee
Queer on cell: I don't want love handles on love day!
--Lafayette & Astor
Woman on cell: Happy Valentine's Day... Do you still love me, or do you hate me now?
--Hudson St
Overheard by: lilli
Wednesday One-Liners Suck at Scrabble
Blonde: You know what I just learned? G-E-O-R-G isn't pronounced 'George' -- it's pronounced 'gay-something.'
--49th & Broadway
Overheard by: It's too cold for stupidity
Fag hag to queer pal: It's like, we're like... cotillion-izing!
--Columbia University
Overheard by: jaded library dweller
Ghetto chick: Yo, he is datin' Sheryl now. I told him, 'Tell me when you kiss her.' He was all, 'Why?' so I said, 'So I know not to kiss her!' I'm bilingual, yo.
--L train, 3rd Ave stop
Overheard by: katiebeans
Loud woman: That is 'conniving' with a capital 'K'!
--St. Mark's & 2nd Ave
Angry wife to husband: You are so patronistic. I seriously can't stand how fucking patronistic you are.
--56th & 5th
15-year-old girl to group of friends: I be takin' AP English this year, yo. I the only one in that motherfucker that don't be lookin' like they be deliverin' yo' egg rolls when they ain'ts in school an' shit.
--210th St & Bainbridge Ave
Overheard by: gutterlush
Angry woman to friend: I have a contention with the way people pronounce my daughter's name. I did not name my daughter 'Lady Nasty'! I named my baby girl 'La Dynasty.'
--JFK
Overheard by: The REAL Lady Nasty
Wednesday One-Liners Stray from the Syllabus
Professor: Old people will sign anything.
--Brooklyn College
Professor: What do you guys think of this poster? It annoys me. I would wear this on a t-shirt just to annoy people.
--Pratt Institute
Sociology professor: New York is a megalopolis, while Boston is only a metropolis, although Bostonites would argue that... Bostonites... Bostoners... Bostonians? Pshhh, whatever.
--Fordham University
Overheard by: Sromeo
Philosophy professor, drawing: Here is the world... Here are some birds... And people. Here's someone... Here's someone hitting someone with an ax. Some people do axings... Some people don't.
--Fordham University
Overheard by: no axings!
Old professor with French accent: Hot climate is associated in this book with passion or sex. I think that I, for example, really never did have sex in a sub-zero temperature.
--NYU Cantor Film Center
Overheard by: suddenly surrounded by students' awkward snickers
Sociology professor: I'll tell you a story that most people laugh hysterically at, but it actually makes me really sad... Kind of like Napoleon Dynamite.
--Fordham University
Overheard by: Sromeo
Wednesday One-Liners Better Not End Up on the Internet
30-something on cell: Mom, he came over and took a picture of my toilet!
--Spring & Greene
20-something chick: First of all, who poses bare-ass naked on a car in a Wal-Mart parking lot? Secondly, who bleaches their asshole? Third, who takes a picture of it and e-mails it to all their friends?!
--113th, between Broadway & Amsterdam
Overheard by: Ladle
Queer: He photographs really poorly. That's a big problem for me...
--Starbucks, Washington Square
Overheard by: jess
Woman to friend: You know, just because I work with her doesn't mean I have to look at photos of her placenta.
--34th & 3rd
Overheard by: X. L. Percy
Wednesday One-Liners Get Their Mouths Washed Out with Soap
Gleeful little boy: We will, we will fuck you! We will, we will fuck you! [Bursts into giggles.]
--1 train
Overheard by: caitlinj
Guy: I mean, I wasn't expecting being fucked, either!
--55th & 8th
Overheard by: Mariah
Guy on cell: You know what? Cleo fucked you, so fuck it -- we're fucked.
--Forest Hills
Tough guy with five-year-old: Hey, buddy! Don't fucking push me! I've got my fuckin' kid here!
--1 train
Overheard by: wba
Hispanic lady with stroller, on cell: Mothafuckin' [Spanish]... Fuckin' asshole [Spanish]... Son of a [Spanish]... Fuckin' mothafuckin' [Spanish]... Bunny rabbit [Spanish]... Fuck.
--7th Ave, Park Slope
Overheard by: Mike N (doesn't speak Spanish)
Wednesday One-Liners Are Molding Young Minds
English teacher: Class, I'd like you to remember where the line is. It is always moving, and it is determined by me.
--Bronx Science
Overheard by: HJWC
English teacher: I rose up into the air and flew out the window... You didn't notice this?
--Hunter College High
Overheard by: stupid english student
Old teacher: Okay, there are three rules in this classroom, and I am completely serious. Number one, no swearing. Number two, no scuffles. Number three, no sex until 3:20 when you can do what you want.
--Grace Church School
Teacher: I'm a huge fan of bathroom stall graffiti! My favorite from this school is in the third floor bathroom: 'If you can read this, you are pooping.'
--Bard High School Early College
Teacher to another: You are a hemorrhoid in my ass.
--Brooklyn Tech
Overheard by: Julie
Health teacher: Drug abuse is a symptom of suicide.
--Hunter College High
English teacher: The next scene is about sex, so pay attention. You might learn something.
--Brooklyn Tech
Overheard by: Julie
PETA-Approved Wednesday One-Liners
HS boy to two friends: Dude, you'd be surprised how many vegetarians are into meaty chicks.
--E train
Man eating salad: Vegetarians should be evolutionarily punished.
--Small diner, Chinatown
Girl to friend: Hey, do you think that the reason he doesn't like oral sex is because he's vegan? [Friend is silent.] Yeah, I'm pretty sure that's it.
--112th, between Broadway & Amsterdam
Overheard by: Gigi
Cougar dining with pals: I'm an animal-lover, so I'm going to get the fish.
--Rue 57, 57th & 6th
Crazy woman: Vegetarians have better sex!
--F/V train stop, Houston & 1st Ave
Overheard by: So, no hot beef injection?
Woman handing out leaflets for veganism: Come on, come on! Vegans have better sex! No, really -- try me!
--Columbus Circle
Overheard by: What is she trying to sell here?
You Put That in Your Wednesday One-Liner?
Woman, to friend: he was so excited, I thought his butt plug was going to shoot out of his ass.
--Spring Street and 6th St
Overheard by: Sarah O.
Dude in fur coat and construction boots: My mom asked me if I had a razor in my butt...
--Downtown '1' Train
Husband to wife:
I can't believe you just put your finger up my butt hole!
--Grand Central Terminal
Overheard by: bonifacia
Transvestite prostitute: I just got off my second and last date tonight... Man paid me 4 bills to stick my fingers in his booty.
--Meat-packing District
Overheard by: Erin
Guy on cell: you have to get drunk enough not to puke, but enough to take the piece of glass into your ass!
--Bleeker & Barrow
Overheard by: ivy270
Guy on cell phone passing by: normally when you say that, my asshole starts puckering!
--Union Square
And Having a Ball Together
Teenage Guy: Hahaha, I just put my sac on your arm!
Teenage Girl: What the fuck do you think gives you the right to do that?
Teenage Guy: Well, we're dating, aren't we?
--Central Park
Overheard by: Snow White
Juan Valdez: Look, I'm Only Like 5'10", but I'll Bring the Mule.
Male Customer: I'll take a tall Colombian.
Male Barista: Does he have to be cute?
--Starbucks, Park Row
Overheard by: Tickled Pink
And a Live Person. Not Like Last Time.
Man: $100 for a garbage can?!?
Woman: Unless there's a person in it...
--Target, Brooklyn
Overheard by: Drizzle
You're Generating Static on My Love Radio
Black male with empty 2-wheeler: Man, I'm about to slap fire out my boss.
Friend, looking at Puerto Rican Chick sitting across from them: Heh...
Black male with empty 2-wheeler: Sixty-three fuckin' dollaz man!?! Sixty-three fuckin'... Who the fuck pays sixty-three dollaz for a bag of ice?!
Friend, still looking at Puerto Rican Chick sitting across from them: Heh...
Black male with empty 2-wheeler: What the fuck? Must be glacial ice! Straight from the muffuckin glacier 'n shit.
Friend, still looking at Puerto Rican Chick sitting across from them: Heh...
Black male with empty 2-wheeler: Maybe it was organic ice or some shit: I can't believe this shit!
[Puerto Rican chic rolls her eyes.]
Friend, no longer looking at Puerto Rican Chick sitting across from them: You're fuckin up my game again, son.
--F train
Seeing as How You Have Free Will and All
Goatee-sporting man: ...AND GOD HUMBLED HIMSELF AND BECAME ONE OF US...AND HE GAVE US FREE WILL...
Middle aged white woman: Yeah... Ummm, can you take this somewhere else?
--E train
Then Wouldn't Wang Be Exactly Your Sort of Thing?
Queer Sales Associate, at promotion for Vera Wang Princess perfume: Are you a princess?
Girl: No
Queer Sales Associate: Then what are you?
Girl: A sex goddess, bitch.
--1st Floor, Macy's
Overheard by: Isabelle
Washed Leather, Gin and Tonics, and Money
Waspy woman #1, walking into J.Crew: It smells like J.Crew!
Waspy woman #2: It smells so good!
--J.Crew, Soho
I Can't Accept This Cash, It's Dirty Money!
Girl #1: My shit is green.
Girl #2: That's cuz you're a vegan!
Girl #1: Bitch, I shit money!
--Central Park
The Hahas Will Arrive Shortly Thereafter
Guy #1: I'm going to go get a brouhaha.
Guy #2: The brews are downstairs.
--Boat Cruise around Manhattan
He's (Probably) a Pimp
[Two guys walking down 9th see a man walking arm in arm with 3 attractive women.]
Guy #1: Man check that guy out!
Guy #2: [looks]
Guy #1: That guy is the fuckin' dude.
--44th St & 9th Ave
Overheard by: Dan Alcalde
Hawkeye Just Wants an Audience
Supermarket stock guy, screaming into cell while loading cheese onto shelves: Yo! What up, punk ass! Call me back punk ass bitch!
[Hangs up cell and breaks into chorus of that "Oh What a Night (December '63)" song.]
100-year-old male shopper: '63? You're not even old enough to remember '63.
Stock guy: Man, I was born in '60. July 1960.
100-year-old male shopper: Oh, '60, huh? I served in Korea...
--20th St & 1st Ave
Overheard by: LiAps
I'll Settle this. Did it Bounce Off, or Vanish?
Umpire: Foul ball. It hit her in the box.
Teammate of batter: No it didn't, it hit her in the stomach.
--Riverside Park
Overheard by: Ramrod
A Bloodshot Retinal Scan Will Suffice
Man: Do you have ID?
Teenagers: Huh?
Man: 'cause you gotta be high to be in here!
--Union Square Park
Overheard by: the imbiber
In Russia, That's Like a French Kiss
Man #1: I was cashing my check in Brighton Beach and this Russian dude almost hit my little brother. So I went and tapped on his window and you know the first thing I did?
Man #2: What's that?
Man #1: I spit in his mouth. He opened up his mouth and got a mouthful of my spit. Then I started walking away and he got out of his car and was like 6ft 9, all basketball style.
--Nathan's at Coney Island
Overheard by: Brad Benson
Was He Actually Talking about *That*? Because That Would Be Sad.
Wannabe gangster, on opposite Up escalator, watching couple in their mid-20s kissing on Down escalator: Yeah, that's what I'm talking about.
[Girl flashes a thumbs-up behind the guy's back.]
Wannabe gangster: Yo, that bitch is COOL!
--AMC Theatre, Times Square
Overheard by: just eating popcorn
Dog: "Ugh! She Wants it AGAIN? I'm Only Canine!"
Girl #1: She wants a doggie.
Guy: A doggie?
Girl #1: Yeah, a doggie.
Girl #2: She likes it doggie?
Girl #1: That's the only reason she lives for.
--Fort Green, Brooklyn
Overheard by: Rat
Lately Jesus Finds Himself Obsessively Playing 'Dead Rising'
Guy #1: The Jehovah Witnesses say the world is ending and the good will inherit the earth... So then what? The less good people will be the bad people, and little things will seem worse?
Guy #2: I don't get it, these religions are inconsistent. Is Jesus taking the good people with him or do the good people inherit the earth? I hope he takes them with him.
Guy #1: I spoke with Jesus and he doesn't know what's going on: he just got the Xbox 360 and said he could care less.
Guy #2: He sounds like a good guy.
--Port Authority
Overheard by: Bobby
The Grateful Ones Are Best
Ghetto man, sticking his head into the car and yelling to no one in particular: Are you single? [Nobody replies.] Are you single?!
Ghetto girl: Yeah, I'm single.
[he walks over to her.]
Ghetto girl: My husband left me. After five years he just left. Said "I love Frank."
Ghetto man, announcing to the rest of the car: Did you hear that? This woman's husband left her for another man! [to the woman]: What's your phone number? [She gives out digits]
--F train
Overheard by: and she wonders why...
He Was Talking about His Son's Slutty Girlfrined
Southern tourist #1: Oh my god! Look! It's Junior's Cheesecake!
Southern tourist #2: Oh yeah! I've heard of them. They serve it at the Cheesecake Factory!
--Minskoff Theatre
Overheard by: Renee
Won't You Please Donate to Help These Poor Victims of Time Travel?
Shirtless old guy, walking over to a group of friends: Looks like you got a nice circle there, mind if I join you guys?
Stranger: No, I think we're good...
Shirtless old guy: Well, I'll be back...[looks up at the trees.] Do you see the pterodactyls? ...up there, the dinosaurs? [Wakes up a hobo on the benches.] Sir, you see them, don't you? ...pterodactyls...pkawww pkawww [flaps his arms.]
[back to the group of friends]
I'll be back. pkawww!
--Union Square
Overheard by: Arvind Chandra
Especially Ryan Adams
Hipster #1: No water?!?!
Hipster #2: I can't believe they're denying us the most basic necessity ... I hate everyone right now!
--McCarren Park Pool
Finally, Someone Understands That the Terms Are Mutually Exclusive.
Dude: I don't want coffee, I want Starbucks!
--Bleecker & Thompson
Overheard by: office peon
Headline by: desire
Runners-Up:
· "And For The Last Time, I'm Not From The Bronx; I'm From Riverdale!" - Gutterlush
· "Howard Shultz: Don't Call It a Comeback, It That Easy, G!" - Drewp
· "I Can't Decipher That Small, Medium, Large Jargon They Use Everywhere Else." - Jessie Birks
· "Overheard in Seattle: Shit, They Know" - digital hash
· "The Top Conerns Of the Nation: War, Peace, and Finding a Starbucks" - abbitt the rabbitt
· "Yeah, Well I Really Don't Think We Have Time For a Handjob, Joe." - Idiocracy
Click here to see the new Headline Contest
Does Mom Know You're Out Here?
Homeless guy: Yo, yo. Can I get a donation to my broke-ass foundation?
Hipster guy: Sorry, dude.
Homeless guy: Aww, come on brother. Just pretend that you love me.
--5th St & 2nd Ave
Overheard by: some girl
Excuse Me, That's "Stuh-ray-et"
Tourist #1: This is us.
Tourist #2: You sure?
Tourist #1: Yup, Cay-null Street.
--N train, Canal St station
Overheard by: sara n.
She Understands Accessories
Man in paper hat, leather jacket covered in soda can tabs, and poofy skirt over jeans: She comes in and she comes home and breaks my heart, and the worst part is that I don't understand her language. I'm better off with... [Steps back to peer at magazine a girl is reading] I'm better off with that one. What's her name? Turn the page back one. Yeah, her. Tyra? Tyra. I'm better off with Tyra.
--Union Square
Overheard by: Brownsvillegirl
Let's Try Feeding Her and See What Happens
Girlfriend: So, do you think Fiona is really crazy?
Boyfriend: No, I just think she is hungry.
--Fiona Apple concert, Central Park
Overheard by: Nicole B.
Unwanted Foreigners
Cashier: Here's your receipt. Have a nice day.
Customer: Thanks. Do you know how hard it is to get a taxi around here?
Cashier: Well, you are in Midtown Manhattan, so it's pretty easy.
Customer: Thanks.
Cashier: Where are you from?
Customer: Staten Island.
Cashier, under breath: Figures...
--J. Crew, Rockefeller Center
Overheard by: Al
Consider Yourself Provisionally Forgiven
Chick #1: I didn't call you fat.
Chick #2: Yes, you did! I remember it vividly! But it's okay, 'cause I just forgot.
--34th & Broadway
Overheard by: may
No Wonder Mom Slaps You
Father: Do you want some juice now? Want juice?
Two-year-old boy: Be patient.
--G train
... But You're Still a Bitch
Man: Bitch, why you gotta make things so complicated?
Woman: I'm always complicated. You oughta be used to it by now.
Man: Yeah, that's true.
--14th St crosswalk
Overheard by: Leslie
He Was Wearing a Ten-Gallon Hat
Old lady #1: His head was between my legs.
Old lady #2: Was he big?
--M23 bus
Overheard by: Priscilla Perez
Now Turn Around Again
Girl: God, there's nowhere in the Lower East Side to order wine!
Guy passerby: Turn around.
Girl: No, I mean, like, in a bar.
--Outside 'inoteca Wine Bar, 98 Rivington
Maybe We Could Find a Chinese Restaurant in Italy
Teacher #1: I heard on the radio that the Chinese people are the ones that make the pasta. You know, the noodles.
Teacher #2: I did the research and it is pretty cheap to go to Italy. I wanna go.
--Elevator, 55 Broad St
Overheard by: Rob M
The G-Spot Is Inside You
Girl #1: I swear! This place exists!
Girl #2: If this place exists, then how come I can't see it?
--Bleecker St
Overheard by: Bones
Even Straight Guys Feel This Way
Guy #1: He came up and said, 'Hey, big boy, wanna ring my bell?'
Guy #2: And...?
Guy #1: And of course I said I didn't! But... it was nice being asked.
--The Shake Shack, Madison Square Park
Overheard by: Impatiently Waiting in Line for her Peanut Butter
Then You'll Be a Very Special Kind of Bitch
Mom, to little girl: Don't you ever say 'bitch' again, or I will knock all of your teeth out!
--6 train
He Wasn't, Incidentally
Hot girl #1: It's the guy on the end of the train.
Hot girl #2: Wow. It's amazing the human body can smell like that and still be alive.
--Coney Island-bound F train
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