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Shake What Your Baby-Daddy Gave You
Woman in elevator: I am so glad they are finally making stylish maternity clothes. I mean, honestly, when I am pregnant I can't just like stay home and sit with my kid in me. I want to go out and shake my ass.
Her friend: I know, thank god.
--Elevator
Either That or a Dance Step
Teenage girl #1: What did he say?
Teenage girl #2: He just texted me back "touché". Everyone always says that, what does that mean anyway?
Teenage girl #1: Ummm...I think it's like "true that!"
--Nail Salon, Park Slope
And I'm Like, You Just Happened to Have a Video Camera?
Teenage girl: My mom is always walkin' in on me having sex. I'm all like, mom what the fuck, I'm all having sex. Get the fuck out.
Teenage boy: Oh daaamn, I hate that. I always turn the music up real loud so my mom can't hear me fuck. I fucked my girl to that Akon song. I was in her so deep and that shit was just pumpin'!
Girl: Ohh daaamn.
Boy: You need to tell your mom to get all out yo shit.
Girl: Yeah, she's always walkin' in right in the middle and I'm all like, mom get out. Then she tells me she didn't know, and I'm like, mom I don't got to tell you every time I'm having sex.
--Target, Brooklyn
Overheard by: Nate
It's a Real One-Traffic-Light Town
Blonde with group of tourists: Is New Jersey that way? [Points toward the west.]
New Yorker: Yes, but there's a river between here and there.
Blonde with group of tourists: You mean we can't walk there?
New Yorker: Not really.
Blonde with group of tourists: Damn girls, what are we going to do tonight? We can't go to Jersey and there's nothing to do in New York.
--40th & 6th
Overheard by: Jersey, the state that never sleeps.
Psh, Like Anybody Normal Goes to Bronx Science
Nerd: They should have an alphabet bar... You know, where they sell you alphabets.
Girl: Wow, are you the new freak on the gymnastics team?
--Bronx Science Gymnastics Team
Overheard by: LSb
You're Just Jealous Because Heath Ledger's Housekeeper Called Me and Not You
Skinny girl #1: ... And these guys always want to do blow with me, like all the time, it's so weird!
Skinny girl #2: Awww, no one ever wants to do blow with me.
Skinny girl #1, whispering loudly: That's because your ass is the size of Russia.
--Tiffany & Co.
Overheard by: EDW
He Only Eats Chicken / Beef / Whey Protein Cannolis
Dad in pet food aisle, near huge bags of kitty litter: You can't haul that.
Son: 190 pounds of solid muscle, man.
Dad, snorting: Thought that was canoli.
--Key Food, 4th St & Avenue A
Overheard by: Michelle
Will She Do an Inverted 4-G Dive at 2 Meters?
Queer #1: That guy's kinda cute.
Queer #2: Dude, that's a dyke...there's a whole contingent of dykes that strive for the Tom-Cruise-from-Top-Gun look.
--10th St & Ave A
Overheard by: paulie
Don't Even Try Getting All Decimally on a Twelve-Month Year
Girl #1: ... And his little brother, who was like 0.6 years old...
Girl #2: Wait. 0.6 years?
Girl #1: Yeah, you know, like half a year.
Girl #2: God, you are so idiotic!
--Statue of Liberty
No, Just Marrying Them
Girl to younger sister: Well, "taboo" is something that society does not accept.
Little girl: Do you mean like Puerto Ricans?
--2 Train
...to Go
Girl: Well, you would have to be loaded to get someone to wash your balls every hour.
Guy: No, I wouldn't. I could do that shit now! Just pay someone who works at McDonald's five bucks an hour more, they would so do it.
Girl: Yah, but do you really want someone who worked at McDonald's washing your balls?
Guy: I'm getting a chubby.
--Greene St & Spring St
Overheard by: Laughed Out Loud
The Word's Out on The Bucket List
Woman #1: How are your girls?
Woman #2: They're good. My four-year-old said something "sucked" the other day -that was fun.
--Crunch Gym, 38th St
Overheard by: Maggie
So It's Not "Punani"?
Girl #1: What's the plural of "panini"?
Girl #2: It's just "panini" ... Like goose.
--28th & 2nd
Your Editors Are Appalled by This Display of Public Decency
Girl #1: What's a blow job?
Girl #2: [looks at her strangely then laughs] are you seriously asking that?
Girl #1: Yeah.
Girl #2: We're gonna have a long discussion later...
--231st St
Overheard by: Adrian
You Are the Play-Doh Fun Factory of Vomit
Hardhat #1, feigning retching: Bleaahhhhhh!
Hardhat #2, laughing: Yeah, but truth be told, ain't no one throw up as smooth as I do. Do you know anyone smoother?
Hardhat #1: You right, you do throw up smooth.
--Construction Site, 86th & 3rd
Overheard by: Barry
The Episode of The Nanny That Never Made It to Air
Girl #1: Let's go to a karaoke bar!
Girl #2: Are you shitting me? My voice sounds like a cat being anally raped!
--East 6th, between 1st Ave and Ave A
I Won't Even Let a Stranger Wash My Car
Old lady #1: So, they put you on a slab and the coroner washes your body, like if you were all dirty if you died in an accident.
Old lady #2: They take your clothes off?
Old lady #1: Of course!
Old lady #2: I don't think I want a strange man looking and washing my cooch!
--Bay Ridge
And Afterwards, He Even Said It Was "Fabulous"
Girl: So you kept sleeping with him after he told you?
Friend: Yeah. I mean, he couldn't have been that gay... We were having sex!
--Cafe Lafayette, Brooklyn
Girl Dead in Hit and Run. (For Full Story Click {link}here{link})
Cab driver, to girl crossing the street when red hand signal is on: What are you doing!!?? [honks horn repeatedly.]
Girl, taking her time crossing: Yeah, Yeah. So your horn blows, does your mother?!
--38th St & 9th Ave
Overheard by: Nic
Hasn't Stopped Prince Charles
Man: I'm getting kind of sick of Will Ferrell.
Woman: Well, he's kind of an asshole...and he has bad teeth.
--Central Park
Overheard by: Ethan
I Also Failed My Logic Class
Transplanted valley girl: I had so much sex sophomore year, but, like, I could never get a boyfriend!
Guy: Hmmmmm, weird!
--E 6th St & 2nd Ave
Overheard by: pete gunz
It's Unlikely Grandma Will Be That Grateful.
Comedy promoter to guy carrying flower: Oh, a flower! Somebody's getting laid tonight!
Guy carrying flower: That's doubtful.
--Times Square
I AM THE ONE OUT THERE ON THE STREET!
Four-year-old girl screaming: IT IS MY MONEY AND I WANT IT BACK!
Shockingly calm but exhausted Dad: No Sarah, it is OUR money.
Sarah [chanting over and over while stomping her feet.]: IT IS MY MONEY! I WANT IT BACK!
--Bank, Madison Ave & E 65th
Overheard by: Christina
And So's That Guy Who Plays Keyboard for the Muppets. What's Your Point?
Young Man #1: No, no no no!
Young Man #2: You're wrong and they're wrong.
Young Man #1: Naw, man, look-
Young Man #2: You are WRONG and they are WRONG.
Young Man #1: They can't, it's not like-
Young Man #2: A psychiatrist is a DOCTOR, man.
Young Man #1: So is a massage therapist!
--39th & 12th
Overheard by: Keri
Buns as Soft as Yours Deserve the Hardest Salami I Can Give You
Middle Aged Woman: I'd like to get some hard salami, but I'd like to see it first.
Serious Deli Man: You would like to see my hard salami? [goes to get it and brings it out to show her]
Woman: Is it very hard salami? How hard is the salami?
Serious Deli Man: Ma'am, I don't think it is hard enough for you.
--Fairway Market
Overheard by: Jen
Teabagging Will Be an Event in the 2008 Olympics
Guy looking like Steven Wozniak circa 1980s: Look at the size of this tea bag compared to the size of my cup.
Homely little house on the prairie girl: I swear my great aunt has the biggest tea bags known to man. You can soak those things for hours and they still won't shrivel.
--Perch Diner
Overheard by: brandon the short texan tourist
Believe Me, He Would Know
Guy #1: Hey...Sam?
Guy #2: No...Sam's my brother.
Guy #1: Oh...sorry. Dude, you look just like him.
Guy #2: Well, we're brothers.
Guy #1: Me and my brother don't look anything alike.
Guy #2: Huh. Guess your mother was a whore.
--37th & 3rd
Otherwise the Movie Soundtrack Would Lag Behind the Images
Woman: Light travels faster then sound, right?
Man: I don't think so.
--Stuyvesant Square
Also, in a Real Glacier Walk, You Can Only Move a Few Inches a Year
Suit #1: Paul and I just came back from Alaska.
Suit #2: Did you do the glacier walk?
Suit #1: Paul did. He took three steps and then came back in.
Suit #2: Only three steps?
Suit #1: Well, it's icy.
--Javits Center
Note That She Hasn't Answered It
Man: Hey, can I ask you just one question?
Woman: You just did. [keeps walking.]
--36th St & 8th Ave
Overheard by: Steven Lowell
No, Experience Has Taught Me It's Much Easier to Hurt Strangers
Boy, speaking to sister: So, next time you're out with your boyfriend and you don't pick up your phone because you don't hear it in your bag, I'm beating him up.
Girl: Uhh...don't you think you should meet him first?
--Dyker Beach Golf Course
Overheard by: Lotte
...It's Extra-large, Right? I Don't Want To Get Your Herpes.
[Twenty something chick stops in the middle of the store and looks around.]
Twenty something dude, who is obviously brother of twenty something chick: What? What are you looking for?
Twenty something chick: The condoms.
--Duane Reade, Penn Station
Overheard by: Rich Mintz
With New Stereotypes Arriving Daily, It's Hard to Keep Up
Black bagger: I got to get me a soos. Man, I need a soos. Honey, you know where I could get me one?
Black woman paying for groceries: No.
Black bagger: Oh, hey I bet this guy knows. Hey guy! You! Do you know where I could find me a massage therapist?
White guy in line: I have no idea.
Black bagger: Oh, damn; I thought you'd know.
--Supermarket, Nostrand Ave, Stuyvesant Town
Overheard by: Duncan Pflaster
That Would Explain All the Helmets.
Man to woman after hearing a man sing "Amazing Grace": Maybe it was the all-retarded hour at church.
--Bronx
Overheard by: ClaRity
Headline by: bobofthejungle
Runners-Up:
· "Another Happy Sunday with Simon and Paula." - again
· "But It Still Beats the All-Amputee Hour at the Strip Club." - SNA
· "Flowers For AlgerNun" - Paul K.
· "From Midget Masses to Handicapped Hymns, Mega-Churches Pull Out All The Stops" - stacey
· "They're Down with God" - Rostkowski
Click here to see the new Headline Contest
So Much Classier to Just Hide in the Bushes
Suit #1: Dude, he's SO strange. You know I walked passed his desk yesterday and he was researching stuff on his computer about religion. Some multicultural shit or something.
Suit #2: Woah.
Suit #1: Yeah, I know. [Pauses.] You know I bet he's like one of those guys that dates a girl and calls her all the time and stalks her.
Suit #2: Totally.
--Starbucks, 30th and Park
Overheard by: Faetra
He's Got Jungle Fever
Chinese food lady in Chinese take-out restaurant: Duck sauce, soy sauce?
Mr Clean-looking guy: Uhh Uhh... [Scratches shiny head.] I dunno, the Black sauce.
--Flushing, Queens
Son: Women Are Evil, and This Is How We Mask Our Shame
Little Boy: Mommy, what's THAT? [points to tampon machine in the bathroom.]
Mom: It's for girls.
Little Boy: But what does it DO??
Mom: It's for girls.
Woman exiting bathroom stall: You're gonna have a hard time explaining this one.
--Barnes and Noble, Park Slope
Wednesday Wears the One-Liners in This Family
Southern tourist in pink pants: I don't see anybody else wearing pink pants around here!
--73rd & Broadway
Overheard by: Harriet Vane
Girl on cell, wearing leggings and a t-shirt: Oh, shit, I forgot to put on pants again.
--Columbia University
Lady in corner stall: Damn, I done sweated through my pants!
--Restroom, 1 Liberty Plaza
Smug girl to gaggle: No, these are my period pants. My mom washed them for me!
--Columbia University
Overheard by: bih.
Thug: I'm the only playa in the hood with his pants on his waist!
--10th & Ave B
Overheard by: Kayla K
Conductor over intercom: Attention, all crew members! Be sure you have your pants! Hey, Larry, you got yo' pants?
--Penn Station
Overheard by: Geologist
God Bless Wednesday One-Liners
Cop: There are no downtown express trains! I repeat, there are no downtown express trains. If you have a problem with that, take it up with the President of the United States!
--Penn Station
Overheard by: Trixie
Suit on cell: The problem with Canada is that it's not the U.S.
--129th St, Harlem
Overheard by: Koen
Black guy on cell: Yeah, what is Condoleezza Rice, anyway? I think she's Puerto Rican or Dominican. She's definitely not American.
--Barnes & Noble, W 66th St
Black guy to white friend eating lunch: Ah, yes, the American dream: doing nothing while eating a sandwich.
--Stuyvesant High
Hobo: Thirty-two-gallon garbage can -- who wants this beautiful 32-gallon garbage can? Made right here in the US-of-A! Come on, people! It's an American product at Mexican prices. Now, what's my first bid?
--4th Ave & Atlantic
Overheard by: Mike N
Large black lady on cell: I know, right? Osama bin Laden is like the Uncle Sam of America!
--CVS Pharmacy
Let's Talk about Wednesday One-Liners, Baby
Girl to friend: That's the difference between you and me: I have camp and you have sex.
--Bard High School Early College
Female commuter to male commuter after he accused her of pushing onto train: Just be grateful you had someone to rub against on a Friday night.
--6 train
Overheard by: Carol
Bearded dude: If you can't tell me within five seconds the most number of fingers you've ever had in a woman at one time, I don't want to talk to you about sex.
--Whiskey Park, Central Park South
Overheard by: Argopelter
Guy on cell, talking to someone's voicemail: Hi, it's Reacharound. I'm on my way to the library, but let me know if you want to get dinner later.
--Houston & Sullivan
Overheard by: lish
Chick: Actually, I can't think of anything that's not a metaphor for sexual awakening.
--Starbucks, 44th & 9th
Overheard by: Rose Fox
Vendsday One-Liners
Perfume guy: Gucci! Gucci! Gucci'll get you a hoochie!
--Macy's
Overheard by: alison
Woman selling belongings on street: Look here, deodorant! Brand new! One dollar.
--44th, between Lex & 3rd
Hawker with "Cheney/Satan '08" bumper stickers: Inappropriate stickers here!
--Outside Grand Central
Musician to passerby eating cookie: If you like cookies, you'll love my new album!
--9th & 6th
Overheard by: Gil
AM New York lady to another: Bitch, don't be comin' over here! AM New York, people -- get your AM New York! Fuck you, you bitch, I been here since seven AM every day this week. Don't be givin' me that shit. Get your lazy ass off my corner 'fore I cut you! Fuck you, bitch! Fuck you! AM New York, people, AM New York...
--Penn Station
Overheard by: BJ
Comedy hawker: Free bag of marijuana with your purchase! Yaaay!
--43rd & 7th
Overheard by: Sarah R
A Lovin' Spoonful of Wednesday One-Liners
Little boy: I love Manhattan! I love Tic-Tacs!
--Brooklyn Heights
Wife to husband: No wonder your eyebrows are making love!
--47th & 5th
Overheard by: anon
Biotech to texting friend: Now we'll see how much he cares about you. I love testing people!
--23rd Ave, Astoria
Overheard by: sara n.
Gleeful hobo rubbing stubble beard: I love my beard! Mmmm, I love you.
--93rd & Broadway
Overheard by: punkee
Queer on cell: I don't want love handles on love day!
--Lafayette & Astor
Woman on cell: Happy Valentine's Day... Do you still love me, or do you hate me now?
--Hudson St
Overheard by: lilli
Wednesday One-Liners Suck at Scrabble
Blonde: You know what I just learned? G-E-O-R-G isn't pronounced 'George' -- it's pronounced 'gay-something.'
--49th & Broadway
Overheard by: It's too cold for stupidity
Fag hag to queer pal: It's like, we're like... cotillion-izing!
--Columbia University
Overheard by: jaded library dweller
Ghetto chick: Yo, he is datin' Sheryl now. I told him, 'Tell me when you kiss her.' He was all, 'Why?' so I said, 'So I know not to kiss her!' I'm bilingual, yo.
--L train, 3rd Ave stop
Overheard by: katiebeans
Loud woman: That is 'conniving' with a capital 'K'!
--St. Mark's & 2nd Ave
Angry wife to husband: You are so patronistic. I seriously can't stand how fucking patronistic you are.
--56th & 5th
15-year-old girl to group of friends: I be takin' AP English this year, yo. I the only one in that motherfucker that don't be lookin' like they be deliverin' yo' egg rolls when they ain'ts in school an' shit.
--210th St & Bainbridge Ave
Overheard by: gutterlush
Angry woman to friend: I have a contention with the way people pronounce my daughter's name. I did not name my daughter 'Lady Nasty'! I named my baby girl 'La Dynasty.'
--JFK
Overheard by: The REAL Lady Nasty
Wednesday One-Liners Stray from the Syllabus
Professor: Old people will sign anything.
--Brooklyn College
Professor: What do you guys think of this poster? It annoys me. I would wear this on a t-shirt just to annoy people.
--Pratt Institute
Sociology professor: New York is a megalopolis, while Boston is only a metropolis, although Bostonites would argue that... Bostonites... Bostoners... Bostonians? Pshhh, whatever.
--Fordham University
Overheard by: Sromeo
Philosophy professor, drawing: Here is the world... Here are some birds... And people. Here's someone... Here's someone hitting someone with an ax. Some people do axings... Some people don't.
--Fordham University
Overheard by: no axings!
Old professor with French accent: Hot climate is associated in this book with passion or sex. I think that I, for example, really never did have sex in a sub-zero temperature.
--NYU Cantor Film Center
Overheard by: suddenly surrounded by students' awkward snickers
Sociology professor: I'll tell you a story that most people laugh hysterically at, but it actually makes me really sad... Kind of like Napoleon Dynamite.
--Fordham University
Overheard by: Sromeo
Wednesday One-Liners Better Not End Up on the Internet
30-something on cell: Mom, he came over and took a picture of my toilet!
--Spring & Greene
20-something chick: First of all, who poses bare-ass naked on a car in a Wal-Mart parking lot? Secondly, who bleaches their asshole? Third, who takes a picture of it and e-mails it to all their friends?!
--113th, between Broadway & Amsterdam
Overheard by: Ladle
Queer: He photographs really poorly. That's a big problem for me...
--Starbucks, Washington Square
Overheard by: jess
Woman to friend: You know, just because I work with her doesn't mean I have to look at photos of her placenta.
--34th & 3rd
Overheard by: X. L. Percy