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Whenever We Dismount the Harness, My Hip Pops
Old lady #1: So how is everything?
Old lady #2: Everything is great but the sex.
--42nd & Broadway
Overheard by: John Mullan
I Need to Leverage Your Sexuality to Explore My Own
Guy: ... And you know, I could be, like, the dude that videotapes it.
Chick: I told you already, I don't even like girls!
Guy: Yeah, well, I'd kind of like it better if you did.
--6th St & 1st Ave
Overheard by: voidoid
20 Years and Three Surgeries Later, Mom Finally Stopped Laughing
Mom: Oh my god! Why are these things so expensive?
Lil' boy holding fake jewelry: Hey mommy! You know what I want to be? I want to be a girl.
Mom laughing nervously: Can you believe some of the things these kids say?
--Virgin Beauty Supply
Overheard by: Crystal
Like Deciding to Scare the Shit Out of My Own Kids
Dad walking and holding hands of nine and ten year old daughters: Do you know what the abyss is? It's when you stare into nothing and nothing stares back at you.
Daughters: [bewildered silence].
Dad: Do you understand? I want you to see that it's a state of mind.
--E 4th St near 1st Ave
Overheard by: Dan
And Don't You Dare Insult Crack
Taxi driver to colleague: Man, you know I don't smoke that marijuana. How could you say that? It doesn't do anything for me. So, I smoke crack. [turns to a young woman with bags] Want a taxi?
Young woman: No, especially if you smoke crack.
Taxi driver: It doesn't matter what I smoke. If you can't afford a taxi, just say that. Don't insult me.
--In front of the Pathmark on Atlantic Ave, Brooklyn
Now Are Those Lampposts or Trees?
Blonde Swedish bimbette in very light drizzle: Where's that water coming from?!
Friend: It's the man with a bucket in the sky...
Blonde Swedish bimbette: Oh, I thought it was sewer water or something.
--Houston & 2nd
Overheard by: In tribute
Did She Just Use "Thank You" Non-Ironically?
Tourist, to man handing out fliers: Thank you very much but I don't need one.
Passerby: Tourists are fucking weird.
--Grand Central
A Month? Is That Even Possible?
Guy #1: If you don't jack off for like a month, your body does it for you in your sleep.
Guy #2: Yeah, I'm not going to try that out, man.
--NYU Dining Hall
Overheard by: you should be ashamed
He Could Sand the Side of a Boat with That Thing!
Girl #1: What the shit? They have dog lip chap?
Girl #2: That reminds me, I need to pick some up. Andy's dick chafes my lips so bad.
--Le Chien
Overheard by: Amy Araya
Like a Chevy Ta-hoe
Woman #1: Maybe if you suck his cock, he'll, like, buy you a new car!
Woman #2: Maybe he will!
--83rd St & Columbus Ave
What They Say About Ignorance Really Isn't True
Blonde girl, laughing hysterically: I mean I didn't even think that was possible!
Brunette friend, laughing hysterically: Thank god they're not our friends!
Blonde girl, suddenly serious: People must think we're so happy. But we're so unhappy.
--Cafeteria, Hunter College
That's What She Said! (We Had to Go There.)
Guy, listening to ambiguous sound: Was that your face or your ass?
Girl: That was my vagina.
--Starbucks
Overheard by: Chelsea
Isn't That, Like, Lesbionic?
Bimbette from Staten Island #1: If you got a sex change then you could play with yourself.
Bimbette from Staten Island #2: I can already do that.
Bimbette from Staten Island #1: Really, how?
--Wagner College
Overheard by: thrilled to be going to the same school
Love, the Sexually-Transmitted Disease Nobody Talks About
Guy: I can understand her sleeping with my best friend on my couch and all...
Girl: But the falling in love thing? That's just rude!
--Union Square Barnes & Noble
Overheard by: suzz
Most Importantly, How Do They Get Through Airport Security with Them?
Asian chick #1, on seeing a cop on a horse: How do they get the shoes on the horse? Do they like slip it on?
Asian chick #2: No. Cuz then they'd fall off.
Asian chick #1: Oh... Are they born with them?
Asian chick #2: No... Wait. I don't think so...
--Times Square
Overheard by: Cecilia
But I Thought You Were Gay!
Cute girl: No, I swear that coat was pink.
Clearly gay guy: It was not pink [glances down.]
Cute girl: Is there something pink...I mean... Did you just look at my boobs?!
Clearly gay guy: I mean, they're right there.
--Zara, 5th Ave
Overheard by: rach
God: Word to Both Your Mothers
Gothic underage-looking stripper: Oh my god we have been looking everywhere for stripper shoes!
More underage-looking gothic stripper: Maybe this is God's way of telling us not to be strippers.
--Macdougal & Bleecker
Overheard by: Zubin
I've Drawn Up Some Diagrams -Could You Check Them for Accuracy?
Queer: I want to have sex with a girl.
Girl, laughing: Any particular girl? Or just any girl?
Queer: Any girl. I've been watching a lot of straight porn and it seems interesting.
--NYU
Guess We're Not Eating Today, Huh?
Six-year-old boy: I'm excited! Pizza, pizza, pizza!
Father: How do you spell "pizza"?
Six-year-old boy: P...I... Z... Z... O?
Father: Close, son. Try again.
Six-year-old boy: F?
Father: No...
Six-year-old boy: Q? G? L? [starting to cry.] I just don't know!
--110th & Broadway
Don't Hate the Yoplait, Hate the Yoplaya
College chick #1: He told me afterwards that he hadn't masturbated all week but seriously, he came so much that it was oozing out of the base of the condom.
College chick #2: That's so gross.
College chick #1: Yeah but that's not the worst part, it had the consistency of yogurt.
College chick #2, awed: Man, yogurts...
College chick #1: Yeah it was kinda inspiring. Only also kinda horrible.
College chick #2: Wait, if the cum was coming out of the condom, doesn't that mean you might get pregnant?
College chick #1: Yeah I guess, but I feel like that sperm kinda earned it, you know? I dunno if I could complain with sperm that um, fortitudinous.
College chick #2: Good word.
--1 Train
Overheard by: Vicksburg
Most Women Are Incapable of Neutral Communication
Hot soccer mom: Yesterday his mother actually asked me if I own a can opener! Do you believe that? What a bitch. She lives to put me down.
Friend: Wait... So you do own a can opener?
--Penn Station
Overheard by: that girl
Which Speaker You Find More Annoying Says a Lot About You as a Person
Environmentalist with clipboard: Excuse me, do you have a minute to help save the environment?
Woman in suit: I'm sorry, I already saved the children this morning and then told the Democratic Party to go fuck themselves three blocks ago, so no, I don't have time to save the environment today. Maybe tomorrow, hippie.
--Broadway & Bond
Overheard by: Betty Noir
New Yorkers Are Ultra-Sensitive About Color
Guy at bar: And so I keep trying to tell my wife that sienna is not a color.
Girl passing by: Yes it is! Burnt sienna is a crayon you slanderous prick!
--Restaurant, Bleecker Street
But I Had a Really Slow Internet Connection!
Dramatic student hipster: I'm just trying to get my life back together. You know when you're trying to get your life back together after one of those periods of being away for awhile without contact to the world, thinking about your direction and what you're doing.
Friend: Do you mean your family vacation?
Dramatic student hipster: Well, yeah.
Friend: It was three days.
--Bagel Zone, 3rd & Ave A
Overheard by: Cpt Kate
Doctor: Get Me Fifty CCs of Gay Porn, Stat!
Queer hipster #1: She's a bitch.
Queer hipster #2: She *is* a bitch!
Queer hipster #1: She's a bitch, and she's ugly and fat.
Queer hipster #2: I know! I saw her in a bathing suit, and I swear, I have never been more flaccid in my life!
--Pratt Institute
Overheard by: traPt
Who Knew Getting to Grandmother's House Would Be This Hard?
Chick, a little buzzed: Fleetwood, crestwood, woodlawn ... There's so much wood on this train I can't concentrate.
Boyfriend: [stares at her wide-eyed].
Chick: Oh my god, did I just say that?
Boyfriend: Yes, and at least five guys heard it.
Random guy: I'm one.
--Metro North
Overheard by: I'm two
Unless a Cantaloupe Counts
Teenage girl: Look at the headline on this magazine. There's a quiz called "do you know if you're a virgin?"
Teenage boy: Yes. Oh god, yes.
--Barnes and Nobles, Astor Place
That You're Only Seven Doesn't Help
Girl: So I'm saying... Would you murder my pussy?
Guy: Hell nah.
Girl: Why not?
Guy, laughing: I'll end up in jail, ma.
Girl: What?
Guy: You can't handle me, trust. My dick is deadly. It will kill you and your pussy.
--Brooklyn
Well, OK, But He's Definitely Not a Creepy Mormon!
Obama volunteer, on super Tuesday: Have you had a chance to make it out to the polls yet?
Old woman, angrily: I don't like Muslims. [walks past].
Volunteer: Ummmm... [shouts after her] he's Christian!
Old woman, turning back, even angrier: No he's not!
--53rd & Lexington
Overheard by: NCS
A Smelly Myth, But a Myth Nonetheless.
Teen girl #1: You know, besides Manhattan, Brooklyn is the coolest borough.
Teen girl #2: Obviously. Queens is boring, the Bronx is scary, and Staten Island is a myth.
--Brooklyn Bridge
And Friday's His Scrabble Night... No, I've Never Gone With Him to Scrabble Night, Why?
Hipster Girl #1: So you guys should come. Oh! You should bring your boyfriend, I haven't met him yet.
Hipster Girl #2: I wish I could but it's on Wednesday night, right? He's really into fashion, that's when he watches Project Runway.
[Hipster Girl #1 stares blankly at Hipster Girl #2 for a few moments.]
Hipster Girl #1: Oh.
--Central Park
Overheard by: hobojane
Happens Sophomore Year for Most, But It's Never Too Late
92-year-old mother-in-law: It's a two girl wedding?
Daughter-in-law, passing by second reception hall: Yes, two women are having a wedding reception, they got married.
Mother in law, as she studies the two women: Well, that one [Points.] isn't so bad. she could have gotten a man.
Daughter-in-law: She didn't want a man. she's attracted to women.
Mother in law: I never had a chance to try that.
[Then proceeds back and forth to the bathroom several times during reception, to check.]
--Wedding Reception, Essex House
Overheard by: bridesmaid
I Always Spin a 2, Never Get the Blue Car, and My Peg Always Falls Out.
Hipster: Life is so... boring to me.
--Outside trendy hipster bar
Overheard by: J. Corner
Headline by: RL
Runners-Up:
· "God: Well, You See Jesus, I'm Kinda Glad You Said That Because..." - Sizzle
· "Obviously Hasn't Tried the New "Coke Zero"" - Leary Blaine
· "That's Why God Invented Firearms" - astanhope
· "The Sun Is Hot, Water Is Wet, And, Somewhere, a Hipster Is Bored. More at Eleven." - map
· "Those Skinny Jeans Will Suffocate You Soon Enough" - Mowgli Allagash
· "Who Ordered the Ennui and Tonic?" - brian brinegar
· "You're Not Exactly a Fireworks Extravaganza Yourself" - Katie Darling
Click here to see the new Headline Contest
She Doesn't See Sexual Assault as a Celebration, Like We Do
Drunk, creepy guy #1: She's always telling us about our flaws, and why she won't get with us, but she won't listen to us tell her about her flaws!
Drunk, creepy guy #2, burning his hand with a lighter: Yeah, she probably acts the way she does because she was raped, but she's like "I don't want to talk about it!"
--1 train
Only with a "Ph", Mommy
Little girl: Mommy, when were you skinny? High school? College?
Average-build mother: Yeah, both. Why? Do you think I'm fat?
Little girl: Ummm...
--2 Train
It Has Non-White People!
Clearly-an-out-of-towner #1: Dude! I just saw Jessica Alba go into Red Lobster!
Clearly-an-out-of-towner #2: Whoa! Dude! New York is different than Wyoming!
--E Train
Overheard by: Lee
4 Out of 5 Dentists Prefer Wednesday One-Liners
Sleazy guy: I love going to my dentist, the new one. The hygienist holds my hand while they're giving me a shot. She talks to me. She pets me like a chinchilla. It's fantastic.
--Elevator, 360 Park Avenue South
Overheard by: Rose Fox
Old man with pet lizard: Thirty-four years ago we got married. She had dental coverage. It's very easy to find a girl with medical coverage... Dental, not so easy.
--77th St & 37th Ave, Jackson Heights
Overheard by: Gail Montemayor
Blonde tween: they usually take out 2 teeth before they put on the braces. They took 4 of mine. It felt great! I wanted 'em to take all of mine and be all gums.
--D Train
Overheard by: Going to keep those wisdom teeth a bit longer
Girl on cell: So I was able to brush my teeth without feeling like I was going to puke.
--77th and 2nd
Cleaning woman on cell phone: She is a butterface. You know, everything's lookin' good but her face. Her body is nice, but she has some ugly-ass, skanky ass face. I told her she ain't gonna get no man without any teeth in her face. I told her she's gotta get some nice grilles put all up in there.
--Atlantic Mall
Overheard by: jsillyfun
Ghetto girl spouting knowledge to friend: Sometimes, you just gotta bite your teeth, and turn the other head...
--4 train
Guy on acid: I can't get the taste of teeth out of my mouth!
--Riverside Park
Overheard by: LSB
Does It Wednesday One-Liner When You Pee?
Man on phone, while withdrawing cash at the ATM: Congrats, dude. It could still be chlamydia though!
--LES
Overheard by: Romano
Kid: I don't like this place, it has aids.
--F Train
Overheard by: Richard J. Anderson
Man on cell: You can't just sleep in somebody's bed and not tell them you have scabies. That's... irresponsible.
--Home Depot
Professional woman: So I think you have an STD and blah blah blah.
--Times Square
Customer: Can we get an extra plate? He's sick and I have herpes.
--Freemans, Freeman's Alley
Twentysomething businesswoman: I was like, 'oh my god, don't hook up with my mom'... she has crabs!
--13th & 2nd
Overheard by: Natalia
Wednesday One-Liners Can't Drive the Bus Below 50 MPH
Tourist: This is New York. Nothing happens fast here.
--Times Square
Overheard by: Get out of my way - I'm in a hurry
Empowered shopper: I have a cart. I can go as slow as I want.
--Chelsea Whole Foods
Overheard by: and she did
Girl to friend, after introducing her boyfriend: It's not that he's slow. He just hesitates before answering because he's thinking of movie quotes and stuff.
--515 Bar, 34th Street & 3rd Ave
Mom of fast-walking baby: YO YO! Slow your roll.
--Grand St, Brooklyn
Overheard by: Alicia Van Couvering
Woman, while swiping metrocard: Gotta do it fast, just like a handjob.
--79th St Subway Station
Loud beeatch: Dammit, why you movin' so slow? Don't you know what city you're in? Shit!
--42nd St & Madison
Overheard by: Jen
Conductor on PA: Attention, passengers. We have red signals ahead of us. Still working out the kinks. The good news is, once we get past Bergen, we'll be back up to our normal speed. [pauses] which still isn't too fast.
--F train
Overheard by: He ain't kiddin'
Wednesdays Don't Kill People; One-Liners Kill People
Large black man on cell phone: They did the deal with the diamonds, then the other guy got greedy and shot up the place.
--Union Ave
Overheard by: Seth Callaway
Teen, looking around: Where are we? Are we purchasing illegal arms?
--Turkish Restaurant, Montague St.
Overheard by: Mike N
Blonde chick in pink coat, perkily: ... There was no exit wound, and no bullet.
--L train
Overheard by: Ladle
Girl talking to co-worker: I live near Wall Street and there are like army men down there with machine guns and it's scary! How do I know they don't have Tourette's and won't just start shooting their guns all over the place?!
--41st & 3rd
Older suit, calmly, to his two female coworkers: I'd like to put a gun to his head and say "Nickie do the right thing or I will blow your fucking head off."
[His companions nod in understanding.]
--Starbucks
Calm Jewish fraternity guy on cell: So, I'm being deported and drafted into the Israeli army... It's okay, I'll name my gun after you!
--NYU Waverly Building
The Books Are Over, Wednesday One-Liner, Deal With It.
Grad student: It's like Hogwarts. Witches go to Hogwarts. They don't go to Harvard Witch Management.
--Think Coffee, Mercer & W 4th
Overheard by: this analogy makes no sense
German dude to other German dude, in rapid German: Voldemort! And Dumbledore!
--96th & Broadway
Overheard by: LeLeLe
Teen girl: He said that Dumbledore takes it up the ass. Seriously.
--1 train
Overheard by: Silverhawk
High school thug girl: Yo dead ass, Harry Potter is hot.
--Houston & Green
Overheard by: chedr
Perverted tween: I wonder how many old women are into Dumbledore. They must be like "oooooohh! Dumbledooooooore!"
--D train
Overheard by: tanechka
Drunk 20-something woman on cell: I've fallen off the Voldemort wagon!
--Port Authority
Overheard by: McFreaky
The Wednesday One-Liner Monologues
Drunk hipster: Since when did the vagina become the font of all morality?
--110th & Amsterdam
Girl running in pajamas: Oh my god my vagina is so cold!
--50th St & 8th Ave
Overheard by: Matt
Girl proclaiming: I saw the vagina.
--NYU
Acting student: You have a vagina and he's all into that. I have a penis and he's not all into that. That's why you have to do this for me.
--Archbold Theater
Overheard by: nice
Crazy black woman: I know my pussy! You don't know my pussy! Haha! You can't say you know my pussy, I know my pussy! Haha, hah! If you can't find my pussy, you can't say you're not too big!
--114th & Broadway
Overheard by: Xiao Hoah Dze
Nondescript guy on cell phone: So, were the vaginas ok?
--55th St & 8th
The New-Car Smell Of Wednesday One-Liners
Old Jewish lady to moron who parked in the walkway: Move your vehicle! Citizen's arrest! Get the fuck out of my way!
--Brooklyn
Cop over squad car loudspeaker, to a cab driver: You've got to be kidding! Pull over your car now.
--74th St & Park Ave
Guy on cell: Driving? No, we shouldn't take cars. Because people are gonna be drinkin' and poppin' pills and I want everyone to be safe!
--Union Square
Overheard by: rpk
Professor: So how many of you drive pick-up trucks?... Oh wait we're in New York City, don't see many pick-up trucks here... And why is that? Well of course it's because you'd park your car one night and the next morning a small family of three will have a tent pitched in the back. Now there's an awkward conversation... "Uhm excuse me, good morning but I kiiiind of need to drive to work so if you could unpitch the tent... That'd be excellent."
--St. John's University, Queens
NYU girl on cell: No! I told you I wanted four doors! OK, love you, bye. (hangs up phone) Seriously, I told my dad I have too many friends for a two door, but that's all he's looking at! It's like he's not even buying the car for me. He's so selfish!
--Classroom, NYU
Overheard by: Angie
Older woman on line at the Guggenheim to young British male who has been talking with a friend: "I programmed my car to sound just like you!"
--89th St & 5th Ave
Wednesday One-Liners Catch It in the End
Drunk girl: I don't like god, he always tries to put it in my butt.
--D train
20-something man to friend: P.S. It was in the ass that I fucked her.
--3rd Ave
Overheard by: AdHoculi
Girl on cell: I mean, I don't know if it's because I like never do this or if it's because it's sooo big... But my ass is like really sore now! I mean, I can't even sit down.
--UWS
Teenage girl on cell: You sound surprisingly perky for someone who just got butt raped.
--Grand Central
Overheard by: westchester girl
Young lady:... And then he jammed it in my shitbox.
--Livingston and Boerum, Brooklyn Heights
B&T suit on cell: You just have to level with her, dude. Just tell her that if she wants to land a husband in this day and age, she has to learn to like it in the butt.
--Madison Square Garden
Overheard by: David
The Village Bicycle's Wednesday One-Liners
Girl on cell: So I asked my doorman if I brought anyone home with me last night and he said he didn't know! I told him it's his job to know!
--Outside 145th subway station
Hipster girl: Santa is a man whore!
--45th & 8th
College girl: And then we're having what I thought was a nice one night stand, and then, he's all like "what are you doing?"
--Washington Square Park
Overheard by: silvver
Indian girl: I need to up my sex number. I either wanna sleep with a professor or a celebrity. (long pause) Wait! Professors are like celebrities!
--72nd and Amsterdam
Overheard by: Vincent
Teen girl to friend: ... And then my mom said to me "don't be a ho."
--Union Square
Overheard by: Lotte
Girl: She is such a fuckin' slut. (Pause, then indignantly) How you gonna sleep with someone for four dollars?
--Bergen and Smith
Wednesday One-Liners for the Polyglots
Frustrated bouncer: You don't speak Spanish, you don't speak Chinese, what the fuck do you speak?
--Broome Street, Chinatown
Woman, talking to friends: And I love how his "Dominican" wife has an Irish accent.
--109th & Broadway
Overheard by: Cassandra
Crazy guy running: The British are coming! The British are coming!
--8th St & 6th Ave
Woman talking to friend: So this Chinese guy told me he was speaking Vietnamese. I never knew that Vietnam was in china! I felt so ignorant after that.
--St. Mark's & 1st Ave
30-something woman to her female friend: I didn't know he was gay. I just thought he was French.
--E 34th St
Foreign woman, after the entire audience has been screaming "Cunt! Cunt!" at the end of "Reclaiming Cunt" during "The Vagina Monologues": I think my English is improving!
--New School
The Shameless Name Dropping Of Wednesday One-Liners
Elegant lady on cell: I'm a powerful influence on the Kennedys.
--Columbus Circle
Overheard by: Wild Dog Boy
Fat black man to white man who breaks his umbrella while trying to help him open it: Aw, hells no. Don't make me go all Britney Spears on yo' ass.
--Duane Reade, 57th & Broadway
Chick, to guy: Danny Pintauro hit on you at a leather club?
--14th St & 6th Ave
Overheard by: Ladle
Professor to class: ... The ark of the covenant gone, only to be found by Harrison Ford later on.
--Fordham University
Overheard by: Krisztina
Barista to meathead: ... That's the thing about Drew Bledsoe. He smokes a lot of marijuana.
--11th & Bedford
NYU girl: I want to be Patrick Dempsey! So I could fuck myself!
--Washington Square Park
Overheard by: Maya G.
Suit on cell: Dude, you're dating Sigourney Weaver? Right now? Dude, are you kissing her? Are you grabbing her ass? Does she still have an ass at this point?
--66th & Broadway
Overheard by: Ken
Wednesday One-Liners You Can Dance to
Dude: He's the black, blind Motown equivalent of Kenny G.
--113th & Amsterdam
Overheard by: Wild Dog Boy
Girl, while leaving screening of "I am legend": Okay... I cannot believe the woman did not know Bob Marley! I mean, that had to be the most unrealistic thing in that entire film.
--Fresh Meadows, Queens
Overheard by: hmmm...
Curly-haired chick: Has New Order become an okay kinky sex background band? Am I *old*?
--113th & Broadway
Overheard by: Poogins
Guy, standing next to guy listening to Journey on his iPod: Get away from me! Just get the fuck away from me!
--2 Train
Dumb girl dressed like Scary Spice en route to the concert: Yeah, a lot of people think that the Spice Girls like, reinstated feminism.
--NJ Transit
Yale grad: Eminem has a wonderful sense of meter.
--Court St., Brooklyn
Overheard by: Justin Casement
Queer: We only stayed for 15 minutes, I'm not that into karaoke. And when a coven of lesbians start casting their spells to "My Sharona", I was outta there."
--Chambers & Greenwich
Overheard by: Grand Witch Muffy
And Magically Concealed the Bruises?
Guy #1: Well, from what he told me, Fox has expressed "concrete interest".
Guy #2: I don't know... A reality show about magicians?
Guy #1: I know, it could be really bad.
Guy #2: It could be really good though. Like, if they were alcoholics who beat their children...
--Elevator, 57th & Broadway
Overheard by: Dan
Why Is It "Obvious" That He Was Wearing Pants?
Girl #1: I got completely wasted last night. I woke up outside my friend's bathroom with my pants off, credit cards all over the floor. But here's the thing -my top was on.
Girl #2: WTF?... What did you do?
Girl #1: I'm not sure...I don't really remember. The last thing I remember is rubbing my face in some guy's crotch with people in the room. Oh, he had his pants on, obviously.
Girl #2: You're such a slut.
Girl #1: I know right. Anyway, my friend woke me up, telling me that I was going to miss the fung wah.
Girl #2, puzzled: Where were you going?
Girl #1: Boston.
Girl #2: Why?
Girl #1: I'm really not sure.
--C Train
Overheard by: Noah Tizzle
Brooklyn's a Lot Quieter Since the Pod People Moved In
Guy #1: Hey, what did you do this weekend?
Guy #2: Dude, I bought a crock pot.
Guy #1: Awesome.
--80 Hansen Pl, Brookyln
All the Nerd-Boys in Earshot Had a Simultaneous Moment in Their Pants
Cute nerd-girl playing scrabble #1: Did you see that episode where Data made a daughter? It was so good, and so sad!
Cute nerd-girl playing scrabble #2: Yeah, it was.
Cute nerd #1: And do you remember the episode when the little boy idolized data...
Cute nerd #2 interrupting: I remember all the episodes.
Cute nerd #1: But there was this one scene...
Cute nerd #2: I remember that scene.
Cute nerd #1: But I didn't finish...
Cute nerd #2: I remember all the scenes. Seriously. There was one time when my friend was flipping channels, and she flipped to Star Trek. And I only saw like, a quarter of a second of it, with Dr Crusher bending over a patient, and I said, "'his blood is turning to some kind of liquid polymer.'" and then Dr Crusher said, "His blood is turning to some kind of liquid polymer!" It's like when some people hear like 3 seconds of a song and can identify it. I can do that with Star Trek.
--Starbucks, 2nd & 9th
But Technically, Everything's Free for Me.
Mom: So, when you send me a text message, is that free?
Twentysomething daughter: No.
Mom: Then stop texting me all the time!
Daughter: Oh, well it's free for me. It's just not free for you.
--D Train
Overheard by: NCS
Can't We Just Do Meth Like a Normal Couple?
Pissed girlfriend: You never want to do anything fun.
Exasperated boyfriend: That's because everything you call 'fun' involves heroin or fire.
--Union Square
A Brother Who Finally Gets It
Black girl, to her brother while boarding plane: C'mon y'all, our seats are in the back of the plane, go to the back.
Brother: Yea, back a' tha bus, back of the fucking bus.
--Boarding Plane, La Guardia Airport
Overheard by: BDOG
In the Shallow End of the Gene Pool
Red-dressed hipster chick at the bloc party concert: Bloc party?
Hipster boyfriend: Yeah, it's the band name, stupid.
Red-dressed hipster chick at the bloc party concert: Why don't they just call it pool party? ...I mean we're in an effing pool!
--McCarran Pool, Brooklyn
We Told Her Parents She's Just Fiscally Conservative, to Soften the Blow
Woman: Whatever happened to Kirsten*?
Gay man: Oh, she's a Republican...
--8th & Mercer
Overheard by: Sophia Emily
Everybody's Saved. Now Could Somebody Buy Me Breakfast?
Uptight middle-aged evangelist woman: You are all sinners. Jesus Christ is coming and you are all going to be condemned to hell.
Toothless eighty-year-old hobo: I'm Jesus.
Uptight middle-aged evangelist woman: Jesus is coming and you all will be dining with Satan.
Toothless eighty-year-old hobo: I'm already here. I'm Jesus.
Uptight middle-aged evangelist woman: No you aren't.
Toothless eighty-year-old hobo: I'm telling you, I'm Jesus. How do you know I'm not Jesus?
NYU hipster: My lord! You have returned!
--6 Train
Your Unfounded Allegations Redound to My Detriment
Black guy #1: Lady, don't sit next to that man, he's got aids, motherfucker.
Black guy #2: Who you talkin' bout aids? I went to prison for ten years and I don't have no aids. Peace, brother.
Black guy #1: I tell you he got aids, motherfucker!
Black guy #2: Peace, brother, peace.
Black guy #1: Aids, motherfucker!
--PATH Train
Just Wait 'Til We Get to the Fungus Unit and I Give You All Lapdances!
HS teacher with PhD, looking in stereo microscope at spores: Oh no, you won't be able to see the hermaphrodites fully, they're not sexually mature yet. [Dances around.]
Student: Umm... Okay.
HS teacher with PhD, clapping hands: What you've got there is some sexually frustrated spores [keeps dancing, moves to next station, fiddles around with knobs] Ooh, ooh, your spores haven't come yet, but they'll look like mittens when they do.
[Student bursts into muffled laughing.]
HS teacher with PhD: I know, aren't spores fascinating? Are you laughing at my dancing?... Because biology just gets me so excited!
--Notre Dame Academy H.S., Staten Island
Meanwhile, She Lost 20 Lbs When That Leg Was Amputated. Lucky Bitch
Blonde #1: ... So, he was like, sitting there, and she needed to take a tinkle, so, you know... She opened the door and a truck just smashed into her, and the car... Like, totally.
Blonde #2: Oh my god. I hope he had insurance.
Blonde #1: Yeah, me too.
--Union Square
Do Girls Have Penises? Discuss
Straight guy #1: I saw this show on TV about guys who would date girls even if they have a penis 'cuz they were so hot!
Straight guy #2: Penis is definitely the deal breaker for me.
--187th St & Broadway
He Kinda Gets Off on the Rugburn
Professional woman #1: He's great, he doesn't mind my excess body hair.
Professional woman #2: Good men are so hard to find.
--48th St between 5th & 6th
Apparently It Will Get You Everywhere.
Parsons student #1: He always said he'd dump me if I cheated.
Parsons student #2: Do you really think he'd dump you?
Parsons student #1: I cheated five times.
Parsons student #2: Jesus.
Parsons student #1: I'm easily flattered!
--Loeb Hall, E 12th St
This Way, She'll Be Trained for Her Future Husband
Mother, to four-year-old boy who has just slapped a little girl: Why did you do that?! Give me a reason right now. I demand a reason, now!
Four-year-old boy: I have to control her.
--East Broadway
What? Isn't It Inevitable?
Girl #1: I don't understand why he was so upset. It's not like I was being insensitive or anything.
Girl #2: Are you serious? You asked him if he had aids!
Girl #1: Yea, but only because he said he was gay!
--Penn Station
Overheard by: Timmy Lee
Where You Save a Quarter on Your Soda, and Then Get Mugged for Both
Kid, looking at $0.25 soda: Man! These be $0.50 in Queens!
Dad: Yeah, that's why you gotta come to the Boogie Down Bronx.
--Deli, Taylor Ave
Overheard by: vegannramember
Okay, So Why Would You Need Coffee?
Bum: Hey you got some money so I can get an iced cappuccino?
Concerned white man: Sorry man, I don't have any more.
Bum: I'm too lazy to work, HAHAHAHAH. [crazy cackle]
--71st & Madison Ave
Overheard by: Donny
Insert "Shitty Education" Joke
Young guy to his friend: As least if she's got diarrhea, I won't need the lube.
Friend: Dude. That's gross. Like I don't want to talk about this anymore.
Guy: Well I mean it sounds gross and if you get past the smell, it's pretty kick ass. Awesome texture man!
Friend: You've done this before?!
Guy: The first time, I didn't want to. But afterwards, I was thinking of sneaking her laxatives cuz it was so rad. But dude! I lucked out, she has digestive issues!
Friend: What the hell did NYU do to you?
--F Train
I Mean, It Tasted Udderly Disgusting!
Asian girl: O-M-G, did you try the bull's penis?! Was it big?!
Asian guy #1: Yeah, it was pretty nasty.
Asian girl, pointing to Asian guy #2: Oooh, he tried the cow's tongue!
Asian guy #2: Uh, can we not talk about that?
--Famous Pizza, Kisseria Blvd, Flushing, Queens
Overheard by: Sajel
Headline by: KatieNB
Runners-Up:
· "Everybody Knows All the Best Asian Sex Clubs Are in Queens" - PeterG
· "Eww, He Ate the Tongue That Licked the Bull Penis That I Ate! That's Like Hooking Up Indirectly." - Whoscawatziz
· "Fear Factor Here = Food Network Over There" - Jimmy
· "One's a Lifestyle Choice, the Other's Just Sick" - Gerald Lanning
· "Penis, It's What's For Dinner!" - DR G LUV
Click here to see the new Headline Contest
It's Like They Act Hardcore, But Aren't
Father, trying to drag young son into store: Come on! What's the matter?
Son: The people in there are scary!
--Outisde Hot Topic
Overheard by: Penny Lane
We Couldn't Help Ourselves -We Tried It.
Guy #1: Dude, if you google "bunny porn" it will probably show up.
Guy #2: Good call.
--NYU's Hayden Hall
We're Unitarians Now
Little boy holding pack of Orbitz gum: Mommy, is this kosher?
Mother: Sweetie, how many times do I have to tell you that we aren't Jewish?
--Duane Reade, 50th & Broadway
Overheard by: Kyle
Did the Boy Oversleep, Too?
Big black guy: I thought she was goin' to get an abortion?
Tiny Rican girl: Yeah, but she overslept and missed her appointment.
Big black guy: How do you miss an abortion appointment?!
Tiny Rican girl: Well she's only seventeen, she's not really responsible yet.
Big black guy, yelling: Well then maybe she shouldn't have been thinking about sex yet! For Christ's sake she missed her abortion appointment! What a whore!
--H&M, Brooklyn
Overheard by: SaraSil
Chinese Fighting Shoe
Girl: What happened?
Guy: Man, that girl brushed up on me, so I turned around, and the bitch said, "Don't fucking look at me!" and she slapped me!
Girl: Really?!
Guy: And then my girl just starting beating on her!
Girlfriend: Haha yeah! Did you see all that blood?
Guy: Girl must have been coked out for it to come spilling out like that.
Girl: It was crazy! We didn't know what was going on!
Girlfriend: Its like that time at the club when I took off my shoe!
--Kellogg Diner, Brooklyn
Dogs: We'd Trade Her for Timmy in a Fucking Heartbeat
Bike messenger, at a trio of small dogs barking at him: What is it boy? There was an accident at the old saw mill? Timmy's been hurt?
JAP walking dogs, angrily: Did I say you could talk to my fucking dogs? Get the fuck away from my dogs! [to dogs] I'm sorry, sweet babies. Did the crazy poor person scare you? My poor sweet babies.
--Lincoln Square
Overheard by: adrift midwestern hipster
When I Press a Button on the TV, It Talks to Me.
Hipster girl: So I keep thinking inanimate objects are things.
Friend: They are things.
Hipster girl: I mean like thinking things.
--NYU
Not Even If I Gave It a Little Doorag?
Little boy: Daddy, daddy! I wanna make a bear!
Buff dad: Nigga, I done told you a thousand times, thugs don't make bears! [Tiny black boy bursts into tears.]
--Outside of Build a Bear Workshop, at 6th St & 5th Ave
Overheard by: Becca
Also, Stop Calling Yourself 'Some 14 Year-Old'
Teen girl: So I found a picture of him on facebook, half-naked, being straddled by some fourteen-year-old with a bottle of Jack Daniels in her hand. I swear, my brother has all of my precocity, but none of my charm.
Older guy: Oh yeah, and none of your humility either.
--96th & Amsterdam
Overheard by: kids these days...
Because Then I Could Pull a Woody Allen
Little girl to her father: Stop telling me that! I'm not adopted!
Father: But sometimes I wish you were.
--Multiplex Cinemas, Flushing
Overheard by: Ms. Hazard
Everybody Was Surprised When Rachel Turned out To Be the Messiah
Girl #1: What kind of proof did you offer when you said that?
Girl #2: I don't NEED proof, I say it, it comes out of my mouth, that makes it REAL!
--Starbucks
Overheard by: Allison
Did You Even Read the Sign I Was Waving by the Side of the Road?
30-ish suit: I don't think you really like me, just the *idea* of me. You know, I come off great at parties, and I make a lot of money, but really...
20-something hippie girl: Wait, wait...I just wanted easy sex.
--Union Square
When Managers Become Homeless
Bum: Will you watch my table and make sure no one uses it. Or if they do, then charge them $5.
Girl: No. Sorry, I'm leaving.
Bum: Ok then, will you give me a hug? I've had a bad day, I need a hug.
Girl: Um... Sorry, no.
Bum: Well, I need a hug, and you are supposed to do your civic duty!
--Union Square
Keep Your Friends Close, and White Devils Closer
Black girl #1: So why did you decide to come to New York?
Black girl #2: Because I hate white people.
--NYU
Overheard by: Cracker Apparently In the Wrong City
...as Long As I Kept the Money Coming
Gentleman #1: Yeah I saw that girl.
Gentleman #2: Yeah I know, she was as happy as a parking meter!
--Williamsburg
Overheard by: Max
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