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Whenever We Dismount the Harness, My Hip Pops
Old lady #1: So how is everything?
Old lady #2: Everything is great but the sex.
--42nd & Broadway
Overheard by: John Mullan
I Need to Leverage Your Sexuality to Explore My Own
Guy: ... And you know, I could be, like, the dude that videotapes it.
Chick: I told you already, I don't even like girls!
Guy: Yeah, well, I'd kind of like it better if you did.
--6th St & 1st Ave
Overheard by: voidoid
20 Years and Three Surgeries Later, Mom Finally Stopped Laughing
Mom: Oh my god! Why are these things so expensive?
Lil' boy holding fake jewelry: Hey mommy! You know what I want to be? I want to be a girl.
Mom laughing nervously: Can you believe some of the things these kids say?
--Virgin Beauty Supply
Overheard by: Crystal
Like Deciding to Scare the Shit Out of My Own Kids
Dad walking and holding hands of nine and ten year old daughters: Do you know what the abyss is? It's when you stare into nothing and nothing stares back at you.
Daughters: [bewildered silence].
Dad: Do you understand? I want you to see that it's a state of mind.
--E 4th St near 1st Ave
Overheard by: Dan
And Don't You Dare Insult Crack
Taxi driver to colleague: Man, you know I don't smoke that marijuana. How could you say that? It doesn't do anything for me. So, I smoke crack. [turns to a young woman with bags] Want a taxi?
Young woman: No, especially if you smoke crack.
Taxi driver: It doesn't matter what I smoke. If you can't afford a taxi, just say that. Don't insult me.
--In front of the Pathmark on Atlantic Ave, Brooklyn
Now Are Those Lampposts or Trees?
Blonde Swedish bimbette in very light drizzle: Where's that water coming from?!
Friend: It's the man with a bucket in the sky...
Blonde Swedish bimbette: Oh, I thought it was sewer water or something.
--Houston & 2nd
Overheard by: In tribute
Did She Just Use "Thank You" Non-Ironically?
Tourist, to man handing out fliers: Thank you very much but I don't need one.
Passerby: Tourists are fucking weird.
--Grand Central
A Month? Is That Even Possible?
Guy #1: If you don't jack off for like a month, your body does it for you in your sleep.
Guy #2: Yeah, I'm not going to try that out, man.
--NYU Dining Hall
Overheard by: you should be ashamed
He Could Sand the Side of a Boat with That Thing!
Girl #1: What the shit? They have dog lip chap?
Girl #2: That reminds me, I need to pick some up. Andy's dick chafes my lips so bad.
--Le Chien
Overheard by: Amy Araya
Like a Chevy Ta-hoe
Woman #1: Maybe if you suck his cock, he'll, like, buy you a new car!
Woman #2: Maybe he will!
--83rd St & Columbus Ave
What They Say About Ignorance Really Isn't True
Blonde girl, laughing hysterically: I mean I didn't even think that was possible!
Brunette friend, laughing hysterically: Thank god they're not our friends!
Blonde girl, suddenly serious: People must think we're so happy. But we're so unhappy.
--Cafeteria, Hunter College
That's What She Said! (We Had to Go There.)
Guy, listening to ambiguous sound: Was that your face or your ass?
Girl: That was my vagina.
--Starbucks
Overheard by: Chelsea
Isn't That, Like, Lesbionic?
Bimbette from Staten Island #1: If you got a sex change then you could play with yourself.
Bimbette from Staten Island #2: I can already do that.
Bimbette from Staten Island #1: Really, how?
--Wagner College
Overheard by: thrilled to be going to the same school
Love, the Sexually-Transmitted Disease Nobody Talks About
Guy: I can understand her sleeping with my best friend on my couch and all...
Girl: But the falling in love thing? That's just rude!
--Union Square Barnes & Noble
Overheard by: suzz
Most Importantly, How Do They Get Through Airport Security with Them?
Asian chick #1, on seeing a cop on a horse: How do they get the shoes on the horse? Do they like slip it on?
Asian chick #2: No. Cuz then they'd fall off.
Asian chick #1: Oh... Are they born with them?
Asian chick #2: No... Wait. I don't think so...
--Times Square
Overheard by: Cecilia
But I Thought You Were Gay!
Cute girl: No, I swear that coat was pink.
Clearly gay guy: It was not pink [glances down.]
Cute girl: Is there something pink...I mean... Did you just look at my boobs?!
Clearly gay guy: I mean, they're right there.
--Zara, 5th Ave
Overheard by: rach
God: Word to Both Your Mothers
Gothic underage-looking stripper: Oh my god we have been looking everywhere for stripper shoes!
More underage-looking gothic stripper: Maybe this is God's way of telling us not to be strippers.
--Macdougal & Bleecker
Overheard by: Zubin
I've Drawn Up Some Diagrams -Could You Check Them for Accuracy?
Queer: I want to have sex with a girl.
Girl, laughing: Any particular girl? Or just any girl?
Queer: Any girl. I've been watching a lot of straight porn and it seems interesting.
--NYU
Guess We're Not Eating Today, Huh?
Six-year-old boy: I'm excited! Pizza, pizza, pizza!
Father: How do you spell "pizza"?
Six-year-old boy: P...I... Z... Z... O?
Father: Close, son. Try again.
Six-year-old boy: F?
Father: No...
Six-year-old boy: Q? G? L? [starting to cry.] I just don't know!
--110th & Broadway
Don't Hate the Yoplait, Hate the Yoplaya
College chick #1: He told me afterwards that he hadn't masturbated all week but seriously, he came so much that it was oozing out of the base of the condom.
College chick #2: That's so gross.
College chick #1: Yeah but that's not the worst part, it had the consistency of yogurt.
College chick #2, awed: Man, yogurts...
College chick #1: Yeah it was kinda inspiring. Only also kinda horrible.
College chick #2: Wait, if the cum was coming out of the condom, doesn't that mean you might get pregnant?
College chick #1: Yeah I guess, but I feel like that sperm kinda earned it, you know? I dunno if I could complain with sperm that um, fortitudinous.
College chick #2: Good word.
--1 Train
Overheard by: Vicksburg
Most Women Are Incapable of Neutral Communication
Hot soccer mom: Yesterday his mother actually asked me if I own a can opener! Do you believe that? What a bitch. She lives to put me down.
Friend: Wait... So you do own a can opener?
--Penn Station
Overheard by: that girl
Which Speaker You Find More Annoying Says a Lot About You as a Person
Environmentalist with clipboard: Excuse me, do you have a minute to help save the environment?
Woman in suit: I'm sorry, I already saved the children this morning and then told the Democratic Party to go fuck themselves three blocks ago, so no, I don't have time to save the environment today. Maybe tomorrow, hippie.
--Broadway & Bond
Overheard by: Betty Noir
New Yorkers Are Ultra-Sensitive About Color
Guy at bar: And so I keep trying to tell my wife that sienna is not a color.
Girl passing by: Yes it is! Burnt sienna is a crayon you slanderous prick!
--Restaurant, Bleecker Street
But I Had a Really Slow Internet Connection!
Dramatic student hipster: I'm just trying to get my life back together. You know when you're trying to get your life back together after one of those periods of being away for awhile without contact to the world, thinking about your direction and what you're doing.
Friend: Do you mean your family vacation?
Dramatic student hipster: Well, yeah.
Friend: It was three days.
--Bagel Zone, 3rd & Ave A
Overheard by: Cpt Kate
Doctor: Get Me Fifty CCs of Gay Porn, Stat!
Queer hipster #1: She's a bitch.
Queer hipster #2: She *is* a bitch!
Queer hipster #1: She's a bitch, and she's ugly and fat.
Queer hipster #2: I know! I saw her in a bathing suit, and I swear, I have never been more flaccid in my life!
--Pratt Institute
Overheard by: traPt
Who Knew Getting to Grandmother's House Would Be This Hard?
Chick, a little buzzed: Fleetwood, crestwood, woodlawn ... There's so much wood on this train I can't concentrate.
Boyfriend: [stares at her wide-eyed].
Chick: Oh my god, did I just say that?
Boyfriend: Yes, and at least five guys heard it.
Random guy: I'm one.
--Metro North
Overheard by: I'm two
Unless a Cantaloupe Counts
Teenage girl: Look at the headline on this magazine. There's a quiz called "do you know if you're a virgin?"
Teenage boy: Yes. Oh god, yes.
--Barnes and Nobles, Astor Place
That You're Only Seven Doesn't Help
Girl: So I'm saying... Would you murder my pussy?
Guy: Hell nah.
Girl: Why not?
Guy, laughing: I'll end up in jail, ma.
Girl: What?
Guy: You can't handle me, trust. My dick is deadly. It will kill you and your pussy.
--Brooklyn
Well, OK, But He's Definitely Not a Creepy Mormon!
Obama volunteer, on super Tuesday: Have you had a chance to make it out to the polls yet?
Old woman, angrily: I don't like Muslims. [walks past].
Volunteer: Ummmm... [shouts after her] he's Christian!
Old woman, turning back, even angrier: No he's not!
--53rd & Lexington
Overheard by: NCS
A Smelly Myth, But a Myth Nonetheless.
Teen girl #1: You know, besides Manhattan, Brooklyn is the coolest borough.
Teen girl #2: Obviously. Queens is boring, the Bronx is scary, and Staten Island is a myth.
--Brooklyn Bridge
And Friday's His Scrabble Night... No, I've Never Gone With Him to Scrabble Night, Why?
Hipster Girl #1: So you guys should come. Oh! You should bring your boyfriend, I haven't met him yet.
Hipster Girl #2: I wish I could but it's on Wednesday night, right? He's really into fashion, that's when he watches Project Runway.
[Hipster Girl #1 stares blankly at Hipster Girl #2 for a few moments.]
Hipster Girl #1: Oh.
--Central Park
Overheard by: hobojane
Happens Sophomore Year for Most, But It's Never Too Late
92-year-old mother-in-law: It's a two girl wedding?
Daughter-in-law, passing by second reception hall: Yes, two women are having a wedding reception, they got married.
Mother in law, as she studies the two women: Well, that one [Points.] isn't so bad. she could have gotten a man.
Daughter-in-law: She didn't want a man. she's attracted to women.
Mother in law: I never had a chance to try that.
[Then proceeds back and forth to the bathroom several times during reception, to check.]
--Wedding Reception, Essex House
Overheard by: bridesmaid
I Always Spin a 2, Never Get the Blue Car, and My Peg Always Falls Out.
Hipster: Life is so... boring to me.
--Outside trendy hipster bar
Overheard by: J. Corner
Headline by: RL
Runners-Up:
· "God: Well, You See Jesus, I'm Kinda Glad You Said That Because..." - Sizzle
· "Obviously Hasn't Tried the New "Coke Zero"" - Leary Blaine
· "That's Why God Invented Firearms" - astanhope
· "The Sun Is Hot, Water Is Wet, And, Somewhere, a Hipster Is Bored. More at Eleven." - map
· "Those Skinny Jeans Will Suffocate You Soon Enough" - Mowgli Allagash
· "Who Ordered the Ennui and Tonic?" - brian brinegar
· "You're Not Exactly a Fireworks Extravaganza Yourself" - Katie Darling
Click here to see the new Headline Contest
She Doesn't See Sexual Assault as a Celebration, Like We Do
Drunk, creepy guy #1: She's always telling us about our flaws, and why she won't get with us, but she won't listen to us tell her about her flaws!
Drunk, creepy guy #2, burning his hand with a lighter: Yeah, she probably acts the way she does because she was raped, but she's like "I don't want to talk about it!"
--1 train
Only with a "Ph", Mommy
Little girl: Mommy, when were you skinny? High school? College?
Average-build mother: Yeah, both. Why? Do you think I'm fat?
Little girl: Ummm...
--2 Train
It Has Non-White People!
Clearly-an-out-of-towner #1: Dude! I just saw Jessica Alba go into Red Lobster!
Clearly-an-out-of-towner #2: Whoa! Dude! New York is different than Wyoming!
--E Train
Overheard by: Lee
4 Out of 5 Dentists Prefer Wednesday One-Liners
Sleazy guy: I love going to my dentist, the new one. The hygienist holds my hand while they're giving me a shot. She talks to me. She pets me like a chinchilla. It's fantastic.
--Elevator, 360 Park Avenue South
Overheard by: Rose Fox
Old man with pet lizard: Thirty-four years ago we got married. She had dental coverage. It's very easy to find a girl with medical coverage... Dental, not so easy.
--77th St & 37th Ave, Jackson Heights
Overheard by: Gail Montemayor
Blonde tween: they usually take out 2 teeth before they put on the braces. They took 4 of mine. It felt great! I wanted 'em to take all of mine and be all gums.
--D Train
Overheard by: Going to keep those wisdom teeth a bit longer
Girl on cell: So I was able to brush my teeth without feeling like I was going to puke.
--77th and 2nd
Cleaning woman on cell phone: She is a butterface. You know, everything's lookin' good but her face. Her body is nice, but she has some ugly-ass, skanky ass face. I told her she ain't gonna get no man without any teeth in her face. I told her she's gotta get some nice grilles put all up in there.
--Atlantic Mall
Overheard by: jsillyfun
Ghetto girl spouting knowledge to friend: Sometimes, you just gotta bite your teeth, and turn the other head...
--4 train
Guy on acid: I can't get the taste of teeth out of my mouth!
--Riverside Park
Overheard by: LSB
Does It Wednesday One-Liner When You Pee?
Man on phone, while withdrawing cash at the ATM: Congrats, dude. It could still be chlamydia though!
--LES
Overheard by: Romano
Kid: I don't like this place, it has aids.
--F Train
Overheard by: Richard J. Anderson
Man on cell: You can't just sleep in somebody's bed and not tell them you have scabies. That's... irresponsible.
--Home Depot
Professional woman: So I think you have an STD and blah blah blah.
--Times Square
Customer: Can we get an extra plate? He's sick and I have herpes.
--Freemans, Freeman's Alley
Twentysomething businesswoman: I was like, 'oh my god, don't hook up with my mom'... she has crabs!
--13th & 2nd
Overheard by: Natalia
Wednesday One-Liners Can't Drive the Bus Below 50 MPH
Tourist: This is New York. Nothing happens fast here.
--Times Square
Overheard by: Get out of my way - I'm in a hurry
Empowered shopper: I have a cart. I can go as slow as I want.
--Chelsea Whole Foods
Overheard by: and she did
Girl to friend, after introducing her boyfriend: It's not that he's slow. He just hesitates before answering because he's thinking of movie quotes and stuff.
--515 Bar, 34th Street & 3rd Ave
Mom of fast-walking baby: YO YO! Slow your roll.
--Grand St, Brooklyn
Overheard by: Alicia Van Couvering
Woman, while swiping metrocard: Gotta do it fast, just like a handjob.
--79th St Subway Station
Loud beeatch: Dammit, why you movin' so slow? Don't you know what city you're in? Shit!
--42nd St & Madison
Overheard by: Jen
Conductor on PA: Attention, passengers. We have red signals ahead of us. Still working out the kinks. The good news is, once we get past Bergen, we'll be back up to our normal speed. [pauses] which still isn't too fast.
--F train
Overheard by: He ain't kiddin'
Wednesdays Don't Kill People; One-Liners Kill People
Large black man on cell phone: They did the deal with the diamonds, then the other guy got greedy and shot up the place.
--Union Ave
Overheard by: Seth Callaway
Teen, looking around: Where are we? Are we purchasing illegal arms?
--Turkish Restaurant, Montague St.
Overheard by: Mike N
Blonde chick in pink coat, perkily: ... There was no exit wound, and no bullet.
--L train
Overheard by: Ladle
Girl talking to co-worker: I live near Wall Street and there are like army men down there with machine guns and it's scary! How do I know they don't have Tourette's and won't just start shooting their guns all over the place?!
--41st & 3rd
Older suit, calmly, to his two female coworkers: I'd like to put a gun to his head and say "Nickie do the right thing or I will blow your fucking head off."
[His companions nod in understanding.]
--Starbucks
Calm Jewish fraternity guy on cell: So, I'm being deported and drafted into the Israeli army... It's okay, I'll name my gun after you!
--NYU Waverly Building
The Books Are Over, Wednesday One-Liner, Deal With It.
Grad student: It's like Hogwarts. Witches go to Hogwarts. They don't go to Harvard Witch Management.
--Think Coffee, Mercer & W 4th
Overheard by: this analogy makes no sense
German dude to other German dude, in rapid German: Voldemort! And Dumbledore!
--96th & Broadway
Overheard by: LeLeLe
Teen girl: He said that Dumbledore takes it up the ass. Seriously.
--1 train
Overheard by: Silverhawk
High school thug girl: Yo dead ass, Harry Potter is hot.
--Houston & Green
Overheard by: chedr
Perverted tween: I wonder how many old women are into Dumbledore. They must be like "oooooohh! Dumbledooooooore!"
--D train
Overheard by: tanechka
Drunk 20-something woman on cell: I've fallen off the Voldemort wagon!
--Port Authority
Overheard by: McFreaky
The Wednesday One-Liner Monologues
Drunk hipster: Since when did the vagina become the font of all morality?
--110th & Amsterdam
Girl running in pajamas: Oh my god my vagina is so cold!
--50th St & 8th Ave
Overheard by: Matt
Girl proclaiming: I saw the vagina.
--NYU
Acting student: You have a vagina and he's all into that. I have a penis and he's not all into that. That's why you have to do this for me.
--Archbold Theater
Overheard by: nice
Crazy black woman: I know my pussy! You don't know my pussy! Haha! You can't say you know my pussy, I know my pussy! Haha, hah! If you can't find my pussy, you can't say you're not too big!
--114th & Broadway
Overheard by: Xiao Hoah Dze
Nondescript guy on cell phone: So, were the vaginas ok?
--55th St & 8th
The New-Car Smell Of Wednesday One-Liners
Old Jewish lady to moron who parked in the walkway: Move your vehicle! Citizen's arrest! Get the fuck out of my way!
--Brooklyn
Cop over squad car loudspeaker, to a cab driver: You've got to be kidding! Pull over your car now.
--74th St & Park Ave
Guy on cell: Driving? No, we shouldn't take cars. Because people are gonna be drinkin' and poppin' pills and I want everyone to be safe!
--Union Square
Overheard by: rpk
Professor: So how many of you drive pick-up trucks?... Oh wait we're in New York City, don't see many pick-up trucks here... And why is that? Well of course it's because you'd park your car one night and the next morning a small family of three will have a tent pitched in the back. Now there's an awkward conversation... "Uhm excuse me, good morning but I kiiiind of need to drive to work so if you could unpitch the tent... That'd be excellent."
--St. John's University, Queens
NYU girl on cell: No! I told you I wanted four doors! OK, love you, bye. (hangs up phone) Seriously, I told my dad I have too many friends for a two door, but that's all he's looking at! It's like he's not even buying the car for me. He's so selfish!
--Classroom, NYU
Overheard by: Angie
Older woman on line at the Guggenheim to young British male who has been talking with a friend: "I programmed my car to sound just like you!"
--89th St & 5th Ave
Wednesday One-Liners Catch It in the End
Drunk girl: I don't like god, he always tries to put it in my butt.
--D train
20-something man to friend: P.S. It was in the ass that I fucked her.
--3rd Ave
Overheard by: AdHoculi
Girl on cell: I mean, I don't know if it's because I like never do this or if it's because it's sooo big... But my ass is like really sore now! I mean, I can't even sit down.
--UWS
Teenage girl on cell: You sound surprisingly perky for someone who just got butt raped.
--Grand Central
Overheard by: westchester girl
Young lady:... And then he jammed it in my shitbox.
--Livingston and Boerum, Brooklyn Heights
B&T suit on cell: You just have to level with her, dude. Just tell her that if she wants to land a husband in this day and age, she has to learn to like it in the butt.
--Madison Square Garden
Overheard by: David