Get the 10 best quotesby e-mail weekly!
Not If She Fakes Orgasm --Then It's Performance Art
NJ guy #1: So right after I left my parents house I met up with the hooker, best use of birthday money ever.
NJ guy #2: But you're underage, that's like illegal!
--McDonald's, Times Square
Overheard by: Stewart Lane
No, Ma'am, It Certainly Is Not
5th grader on school trip on train: I wanna sit down!
Teacher, in southern accent: Well I want a small ass but thats not happening either now is it?!
--4 Train
Overheard by: Brandon E.
Isn't There a Talking Donkey in the Hebrew Bible?
Teen boy: Is that a Jewish thing?
Man: No, it's from Shrek.
--Union Square
Overheard by: Confabulation Nation
Okay, the KY Bottle in Its Beak Is Suspicious
Chick in passenger's seat: Is that a bird?
Boyfriend: Sounds like it's fucking!
Chick: Seriously, what the fuck is wrong with you?
--Toll Booth, Henry Hudson Bridge
Overheard by: bridgemaster
Finally My Friendship with You Begins to Pay Off
Skinny girl: I ate the whole bag.
Fat girl: I know.
Skinny girl: But, like... The whole bag.
Fat girl: I know... If it makes you feel any better, I had fried chicken wings and chocolate cake on Friday.
Skinny girl: ... Yeah, that does make me feel better.
--Pratt Institute
Those Numbered Signs Are So Slimming
Hipster guy: Have you ever been arrested?
Hipster girl: Yeah, when I was sixteen my friend and I got arrested for shoplifting. It really wasn't that bad. The cops were super cool and we were all joking around and shit and our mugshots were actually pretty cute.
--HopScotch Cafe
Not Even Lesbian Cows?
Schoolgirl #1: She just kept going on about chewing cunts in class.
Schoolgirl #2: Cud, you dumbass! Cows don't chew cunt.
--6 Train
Overheard by: Manic Mouse
Yeah, You're Right --Probably Too Controversial
Young Guy, trying to hit on a girl: I've been thinking about starting a blog.
Girl: [silence.]
Young Guy: You know, if I were to start a blog, I'd make it about t-shirts.
Girl: [silence.]
--Magnetic Field (Bar) on Atlantic Ave, Brooklyn
Because That Works Out So Well in Every Movie You've Seen?
Front seat passenger: ... So, after I was halfway over the fence, I realized that was a bad idea.
Driver: Well, what can you do?
Front seat passenger: Really, I should have just slept in the cemetery. I should have done that.
--S76 Bus
Overheard by: Dying to ask
And I Love You, Horns and All
Guy: I am really excited about our trip to Germany in the summer. We have to make sure to stop in Frankfurt to meet my family.
Girl: I am kind of nervous about meeting your grandfather since your mom said he was a Nazi and I am Jewish.
Guy: My grandfather is just a mild Nazi. He only believes in the conspiracy theories about Jews.
Girl: Well, I don't care that your grandfather's a Nazi. I love you.
--1 Train
Overheard by: Cannelle
Harriet Found That Acting Crazy Got Her to the Front of the Line More Quickly
Woman: I'm getting married.
Man she just met: Oh, congratulations! When is the wedding?
Woman: When I find a man who wants to marry me.
--DMV License Xpress, 34th & 8th
Overheard by: Irritated Eavesdropper
If Only Israelis and Palestinians Had a Common Football Team to Get Behind
Conductor over loudspeaker: Our next stop will be New York Penn Station, please make sure you have all your personal belongings when leaving this train... And for all you football fans out there, Giants just fucking won! Everyone can put their feet on the seats, we're celebratin' tonight!
Passengers: Yeah!
--NJ Transit
Overheard by: Vicksburg
Worse and Worse, Dude
Father yelling at his drunk son: Hey! Don't lick my damn ciggarettes!
Son: I lick whatever I fucking want!
Father: I'll lick your fucking ass! [People turn their heads] ...What, he's my fucking son!
--East Village
I'm Just Seeing How Many Times I Can Say "Pussylips" in One Day
Roommate #1: Y'all need to cover up 'cause I can see your pussylips and that's just not appropriate.
Roommate #2: Really?
Roommate #1: No.
--Pratt Institute
Eh, the Japanese Are the White People of Asia
Asian girl: Let's get sushi.
Asian guy: I don't like sushi.
Asian girl: You don't like sushi? What kind of Asian are you?
Asian guy: Chinese.
Asian girl: But there's even white people who like sushi!
--NYU
Overheard by: I like sushi
Crayon Man Has Very Well-Drawn Eyes
Girl: I met this really hawt guy last night.
Freind: Really? What did he look like?
Girl: He was like kinda shortish but not really, and his eyes were like... Wow! And his skin was like really flesh colored.
Freind: Oh my gawd! I think I know him!
--Brodway & Wall Street
Relax-- It's About Sour Cream
Punk #1, singing: What would you do with a dollop? A dollop? A -
Punk #2: Stop singing that shit!
--Washington Square Park
God, You're the Wimpiest Kidnapper Ever!
Five-year-old boy: I want a spoon of peanut butter for breakfast!
Dad: Are you allowed to eat that for breakfast? I'm not sure, let's call your mom.
Five-year-old boy: You're an adult, you can make those decisions.
--Bleecker St
Overheard by: Cecilia
Now That's Comedy
Tourist to comedy show hawker: Knock-knock.
Comedy show hawker: Um... Who's there?
Tourist: I hate comedy. [He walks away.]
--Times Square
PETA Filed a Friend-of-the-Court Brief, to No Avail
Guy: How was the weekend? Were the kids well-behaved?
Woman: It was fine, they were great.
Guy: How was Max at night? He sometimes gets lonely and starts crying.
Woman: Hmm, I don't know. I locked them out of my room.
Guy, yelling: You what?!? How could you? You know how they are at night!
[pause.]
Woman, unruffled: They are pets. Not kids. Pets. And I don't sleep with dogs that weigh more than I do.
--Starbucks, 20th St & 6th Ave
Sometimes the People at Serta Let Me Crash in Their Showroom
Barely legal girl: Can we do brunch tomorrow?
Guy: Sure.
Barely legal girl: Good. I like having Saturday plans. I get sad on weekends if I don't wake up in someone else's bed or have plans.
--51st & 9th
Overheard by: Bar Keep
The Yanks Expect That Sort of Thing from Us
British guy: Hey, look, an eye patch. This will look great with my smoking jacket.
British girl: What costume will that be?
British guy: Costume? I just think it will look good.
--Party City, Union Square
Overheard by: Charlie
We Didn't Have to Show Our Passports or Anything?
Daughter, looking at "NJ Transit" sign: Why does it say we're in New Jersey?!
Mother: Aren't we?
--Penn Station
Overheard by: Jay
We Didn't Have to Show Our Passports or Anything?
Daughter, looking at "NJ Transit" sign: Why does it say we're in New Jersey?!
Mother: Aren't we?
--Penn Station
Overheard by: Jay
Oh, Madam, I'm Blushing
Woman: So what do you do?
Man, trying to pick her up: I work for FedEx and do construction on the weekends, that why I'm so jacked.
Woman: Oh you're so smooth, I thought you were a drug dealer.
--34th St & 9th Ave
I Can't Change That, So I'm Getting Braces
20-something woman #1: Why don't boys like me? Because of my snaggle-tooth?
20-something woman #2: No. Because you're obsessed with The Snorks.
--Relish, Williamsburg
Overheard by: Justin Casement
And Are You Pregnant? I Rest My Case.
Bearded man: To save time, you should pour your apple juice in with your tea, to make apple-tea.
Unbearded man: That's crazy talk.
Bearded man: Well, you're the one who suggested I go on the pill.
--Diner, 59th & 7th
They Were a Little Down Around the Holidays, But Isn't Everyone?
Conductor #1 on intercom: My pants are down. Are your pants down?
Conductor #2: No, my pants are good.
--Metro North
Overheard by: jessie
Everyone Can See and Hear Tila Tequila
Large drunk tattooed man: So wha's your story? You in school?
Kid next to him: Yes ...
Large drunk tattooed man: Never went to school. Know why? Cuz I'm schizophrenic!
Man's girlfriend: There you go again, sweetie. [apologetically] He means manic depressive.
Large drunk tattooed man: No, I do not, bitch! I'm schizophrenic!
Man's girlfriend: Honey, the doctor told you you're manic depressive.
Large drunk tattooed man: I'm schizophrenic, bitch! I see shit! I hear shit talk to me! I get pills! I don't take 'em, but I get 'em! I! Am! Schizophrenic!
Man's girlfriend: I am so tired of this argument ...
--G Train
Overheard by: I really WOULDN'T argue such a point
Well, It Was Pretty Straight
Lesbian #1: She was straight!
Lesbian #2: If she straps it on the first time you have sex, she's not straight!
--House Party, Astoria
Overheard by: MissPinkKate
...And Sell It on eBay!
Mother to six-year-old girl: Tomorrow we're going to the doctor's office, then to the dentist...
Six-year-old, whispering: Mmommy, I don't want to go. [louder] They take my my blood. My blood!
--6 Train
Overheard by: Garrett
Sparkly Decorations Are Unequivocably Straight Fare
Dad: Hey kids, let's stop and take a picture with the famous tree, you've never done that before.
Kid #1: [looking up]... Eh, no thanks, dad.
Kid #2: Yeah dad, we're good.
Dad: ... You kids are gay.
--Rock Center
If Everybody's Wearing Pants and Nobody Takes Your Wallet, It's a Successful Commute
Crazy hobo, dancing and singing as he walks down the aisle: Yeah, yeah, yeahhhhhh... Yeahhh yeahhh yeahhh. And now for my grand finale! [pulls emergency break and exits car.]
Angry woman: Oh, hell no. He did not just do that. I knew he was gonna to do that shit.
Friend: Why didn't you trip him or somethin'?
Angry woman: Are you fuckin' kidding me? And get beat up by a crazy? Did ya'll see that?!
Young woman: Fuck my life.
--D Train
Overheard by: KK
George Washington Said Something about My Momma
Cashier: That comes out to $5.50.
[Man hands cashier a $5 with a hole in it.]
Cashier: Uh, do you have anything better? You know without a hole in it?
Man: Naw, I got mad at it so I shot it.
Cashier: Ah, totally understandable.
--McDonald's, Bronx
I Just Respect Her Power
Young suit #1: Dude, you're not even seeing her, so why does it matter what kind of underwear you wear?
Young suit #2: If I'm not wearing the right underwear she yells at me in front of the whole office...
--74th & Amsterdam
Just Watched Her Self-Destruct Over Webcam
Dude: You should've seen how pissed she was when I finally told her that I lied and wasn't really gay.
Girl: You should've removed all the knives, pills and nooses from the house after that one.
Dude: I'm not stupid: I didn't tell her in person!
--29th & 10th
Wednesday One-Liners Breathe through Their Noses
Black girl on bluetooth headset: You want everyone to suck yo dick, dontcha? Dontcha?! You want everyone to suck yo dick!
--W. 59th & 9th Ave
Overheard by: Alexandra
Twelve-year-old guido, near tears, doubled over in the street screaming on his cell phone: You sucked Charlie's dick last night, you blow job! You sucked Charlie's dick last night, you blow job!
--Brooklyn
20 something blonde on cell: ... Is that normal? [Pause.] No, it's different every time, like it almost disappears... Then another time its all swinging and shit... Is that normal? [Listens.]Oh no! Thats just fine, like it gags me when ... [Mumbles.]
--LIRR
Manager to employee: You are a cock guzzling thundercunt!
--Chelsea
Gay guy, to his friend: I mean...I may suck dick but at least I don't take it up the ass.
--16th & 9th
Woman: Short of blowing him in MoMa, I really don't know how to get his attention.
--A Train
Overheard by: Why MoMa?
Wednesday One-Liners: the Best of Cities and the Worst of Cities
Guy: Yeah, he has this obsession with white weasels. It's just very New York, you know?
--23rd & 8th
Overheard by: Kate
White Girl: I'm leaving this city, it's all just bed bugs and bad drugs.
--Queensboro Plaza
Overheard by: Zach
Prudish waitress, to another: In New York, you just come to expect cock-on-cock, ass-on-ass talk... In DC, you don't.
--1 Train
Student to friend: You play the paranoid freak, I will play the egomaniac. We will call it "New York".
--49th & 1st
Thug #1 to Thug #2, while observing typical, plain, Midwest vacationing family getting off a tour bus: Get back on that bus! This New York! You can't handle this shit! [Teenage kids smile. The father, absolutely horrified, grabs the kids and throws them back on the bus.]
--42nd St & 5th Ave
Overheard by: Bunk Moreland
Wednesday One-Liners Have Never Been Married... Just Sayin'
Old queer: You won't believe your eyes in Plainfield. There's not one heterosexual in Plainfield.
--75th & Columbus
Amazed nerd teen: They did this study on women who are ovulating, and even in gay bars when they're ovulating they get way more dick.
--S'nice Coffee Bar, 14th St & 8th Ave
Big black girl: So being gay, when a straight person says, "You can stay over with me, but I'm not inviting you to touch me..." No, girl! You *are* inviting me to touch you.
--C Train
Overheard by: Lemuel
Random guy in stall next me: It's a cluster fuck... Out there, not here, you don't think I'm gay, do you?
--JFK Bathroom
Guy with to few friends: I'm the most homophobic gay man ever.
--Staten Island Perkins Diner
IT manager: Do you know how long ago 1984 was? I was straight!
--915 Broadway, Manhattan
Overheard by: Sarah
Girls Just Wanna Have Wednesday One-Liners
Six-year-old girl, after careful consideration: Oh, well. That's Ok. A baby is almost as much fun as a trampoline.
--Sidewalk Cafe
Guy to friend at 1 AM on a Thursday: Hey, I have an idea -let's talk about how Dan fucked my ex-girlfriend! That'll be fun, that's a good story!
--PATH Train to Hoboken
Overheard by: Katie
Cali girl, to her roommate: We need to be more like coke whores but, like, without the coke, and not the whore part, but just like, opulent and fun.
--133rd & Frederick Douglass
Overheard by: Nathalie
Guy on cell: But, mother, maybe she wants to have fun for a couple of years before she becomes a nun.
--Midtown
Overheard by: Killer
20-something woman on cell: When I left my mom just now she said, 'Have fun gay-tripping in California.' Uhmmmmm?
--Penn Station
Overheard by: McF
Middle aged babysitter corralling flock of young children down the street: This should be fun... How come it isn't? Anybody got any ideas?
--18th St & 6th Ave
Overheard by: Dave
Wednesday One-Liners' Eyes Are Bigger Than Their Stomachs
20-something woman: Is she a bialy in real life?
--Tomo sushi, 110th & Broadway
Overheard by: Ursula & Winifred
Very large black woman on cell phone, bellowing: I don't do no motherfucking corn bread! Why the fuck you always want corn bread, motherfucker?
--St. Luke's-Roosevelt Hospital, 114th & Amsterdam
Punk girl to another: I wish I was a muffin. But I'm not. I'm a human.
--B Train
Overheard by: id rather be a cupcake
Black Whole Foods employee to black whole Foods customer: You have to be raised on it, you hear me? I was raised on c-town, key foods. I ain't gonna pay no 4 dollars for no eggs.
--Union Square Whole Foods
Clueless suit on cell: I'm just really bad at knowing if stuff is perishable or not. I just don't know. Ok, so ice cream -that's perishable, right? Butter -non-perishable. Caviar isn't perishable either... Wait, what? Oh, butter is perishable? Wait, how do you know? Does perishable mean it has to be kept in the fridge? Ok, so does caviar have to be kept in the fridge?
--E 60th St
Angry 20-something on cell phone: Why? Why? Because I can't eat spaghetti-o's anymore!
--E 13th St & 1st Ave
Grey's Wednesday One-Liners
Girl talking to another girl: I like rectal physiology.
--Grand Central
Overheard by: no need to take her to a movie
Fireman, mocking drunk voice and crazy walking: Where are my kneecaps? Has anyone seen my kneecaps? Where the hell did my kneecaps go?
--Times Square
Overheard by: jacki
Man on street talking seriously to friend: And then the lady's head fell into the toilet bowl.
--White St & W. Broadway
Overheard by: I would have loved to hear the ending of this story..
Guy: It would be better if we could see our own bodies cut up, all laid out on front of us like this!
--Entering the Bodies Exhibition, South Street Seaport
Girl in train: It's so cold that my ears are freezing their asses off!
--4 Train
Overheard by: Not High, Kumar
Woman at next table: Well, I only get cold sores on my nose.
--The Mermaid Inn, 2nd Ave & 5th
Goin' to the Chapel and We're Gonna Get Wednesday One-Liners
Big bald guy: No, no, you don't have to be ordained to marry people at the show. Just put on the Pope robe if you want to marry people.
--Office Building, Hudson St
Guy: I took your advice, bro. I'm gonna marry her in a little over three weeks. But... I gotta get drunk first.
--Houston & Broadway
Overheard by: erin
Suit #1 to suit #2: Well, maybe she won't sign the pre-nup and then you'll be free.
--Wall Street
Black chick: No! No! Ain't no one gettin' lynched at my wedding!
--Food Dimensions, Myrtle & Broadway
Overheard by: off white
Woman on cell: The only time he gets to be himself is when he goes away and that's the way he saves the marriage... Otherwise it's "Mommy, I don't feel well' and 'Mommy, may I be excused from the table."
--23rd St & 5th Ave
Overheard by: Mugsy's Moll
Goth chick on phone: He proposed to me while he was in me... Yea, well, I mean he told me after that he really meant it!
--Penn Station
Hot Wednesday-on-Wednesday One-Liners
Random guy, singing loudly: Leeeesbian seagull!
--South Street Sea Port
Overheard by: Ger-Man in New York
Thug: Shit! I have to get my teacher a present. Its so hard. She's like butch... You know what I'm saying? Shes got short hair and don't wear earrings -like that chick [points to a woman who can obviously hear the conversation and looks affronted.] Yeah lady, you like the pussy!
--F Train
Drunk girl: You wanna know why I'm a lesbian? When I was crawling out of my mothers vagina I tasted that shit. And that shit was good. I just had to keep going back for more.
--Odessa's, Ave A
Overheard by: Dannia Alfonso
Hardcore lesbian tourist #1 to hardcore lesbian tourist #2: Hey! Beaver Street! Let's eat down there.
--Beaver St , Hanover Square
Overheard by: WallStGuy
Black teen punk girl, arguing with boyfriend: No, I'm gonna go become a lesbian now. Big. Huge. Les. Bo.
--V Train
Overheard by: Jon A.
Buff guy: But now they'll know I'm a lesbian.
--Christopher & Bleecker
Overheard by: Colleen
Wednesday One-Liners Do Not Pass "Go"; Do Not Collect $200
Guy: I don't think you're supposed to like being incarcerated.
--St. Mark's Place
Overheard by: mkb
Middle-aged man on phone: I'm telling you, if I turn myself in now I won't be in court for six months.
--50th & 8th
Grungy guy to his friend: ...Dude, you have no idea how many times I've been in this courthouse...
--Giants Parade, in Front of the Courthouse
Overheard by: Julian
Guy on phone: We really got ourselves in some deep shit with this one. I hope he gets out sooner for good behavior. We should have never gotten involved.
--JFK Airport
Woman, yelling in stall: I will read you your Miranda rights, bitch! I will arrest you!
--Port Authority Women's Bathroom
Overheard by: unsure if she is crazy or on the phone
Cashier on phone: No, you don't understand, miss. That is perjury. If I do that, I will go to jail... No, you are not listening to me. I would be arrested. I would serve time...[hangs up, turns to customers.] Can I help you?
--Harlem U-Haul