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Not If She Fakes Orgasm --Then It's Performance Art
NJ guy #1: So right after I left my parents house I met up with the hooker, best use of birthday money ever.
NJ guy #2: But you're underage, that's like illegal!
--McDonald's, Times Square
Overheard by: Stewart Lane
No, Ma'am, It Certainly Is Not
5th grader on school trip on train: I wanna sit down!
Teacher, in southern accent: Well I want a small ass but thats not happening either now is it?!
--4 Train
Overheard by: Brandon E.
Isn't There a Talking Donkey in the Hebrew Bible?
Teen boy: Is that a Jewish thing?
Man: No, it's from Shrek.
--Union Square
Overheard by: Confabulation Nation
Okay, the KY Bottle in Its Beak Is Suspicious
Chick in passenger's seat: Is that a bird?
Boyfriend: Sounds like it's fucking!
Chick: Seriously, what the fuck is wrong with you?
--Toll Booth, Henry Hudson Bridge
Overheard by: bridgemaster
Finally My Friendship with You Begins to Pay Off
Skinny girl: I ate the whole bag.
Fat girl: I know.
Skinny girl: But, like... The whole bag.
Fat girl: I know... If it makes you feel any better, I had fried chicken wings and chocolate cake on Friday.
Skinny girl: ... Yeah, that does make me feel better.
--Pratt Institute
Those Numbered Signs Are So Slimming
Hipster guy: Have you ever been arrested?
Hipster girl: Yeah, when I was sixteen my friend and I got arrested for shoplifting. It really wasn't that bad. The cops were super cool and we were all joking around and shit and our mugshots were actually pretty cute.
--HopScotch Cafe
Not Even Lesbian Cows?
Schoolgirl #1: She just kept going on about chewing cunts in class.
Schoolgirl #2: Cud, you dumbass! Cows don't chew cunt.
--6 Train
Overheard by: Manic Mouse
Yeah, You're Right --Probably Too Controversial
Young Guy, trying to hit on a girl: I've been thinking about starting a blog.
Girl: [silence.]
Young Guy: You know, if I were to start a blog, I'd make it about t-shirts.
Girl: [silence.]
--Magnetic Field (Bar) on Atlantic Ave, Brooklyn
Because That Works Out So Well in Every Movie You've Seen?
Front seat passenger: ... So, after I was halfway over the fence, I realized that was a bad idea.
Driver: Well, what can you do?
Front seat passenger: Really, I should have just slept in the cemetery. I should have done that.
--S76 Bus
Overheard by: Dying to ask
And I Love You, Horns and All
Guy: I am really excited about our trip to Germany in the summer. We have to make sure to stop in Frankfurt to meet my family.
Girl: I am kind of nervous about meeting your grandfather since your mom said he was a Nazi and I am Jewish.
Guy: My grandfather is just a mild Nazi. He only believes in the conspiracy theories about Jews.
Girl: Well, I don't care that your grandfather's a Nazi. I love you.
--1 Train
Overheard by: Cannelle
Harriet Found That Acting Crazy Got Her to the Front of the Line More Quickly
Woman: I'm getting married.
Man she just met: Oh, congratulations! When is the wedding?
Woman: When I find a man who wants to marry me.
--DMV License Xpress, 34th & 8th
Overheard by: Irritated Eavesdropper
If Only Israelis and Palestinians Had a Common Football Team to Get Behind
Conductor over loudspeaker: Our next stop will be New York Penn Station, please make sure you have all your personal belongings when leaving this train... And for all you football fans out there, Giants just fucking won! Everyone can put their feet on the seats, we're celebratin' tonight!
Passengers: Yeah!
--NJ Transit
Overheard by: Vicksburg
Worse and Worse, Dude
Father yelling at his drunk son: Hey! Don't lick my damn ciggarettes!
Son: I lick whatever I fucking want!
Father: I'll lick your fucking ass! [People turn their heads] ...What, he's my fucking son!
--East Village
I'm Just Seeing How Many Times I Can Say "Pussylips" in One Day
Roommate #1: Y'all need to cover up 'cause I can see your pussylips and that's just not appropriate.
Roommate #2: Really?
Roommate #1: No.
--Pratt Institute
Eh, the Japanese Are the White People of Asia
Asian girl: Let's get sushi.
Asian guy: I don't like sushi.
Asian girl: You don't like sushi? What kind of Asian are you?
Asian guy: Chinese.
Asian girl: But there's even white people who like sushi!
--NYU
Overheard by: I like sushi
Crayon Man Has Very Well-Drawn Eyes
Girl: I met this really hawt guy last night.
Freind: Really? What did he look like?
Girl: He was like kinda shortish but not really, and his eyes were like... Wow! And his skin was like really flesh colored.
Freind: Oh my gawd! I think I know him!
--Brodway & Wall Street
Relax-- It's About Sour Cream
Punk #1, singing: What would you do with a dollop? A dollop? A -
Punk #2: Stop singing that shit!
--Washington Square Park
God, You're the Wimpiest Kidnapper Ever!
Five-year-old boy: I want a spoon of peanut butter for breakfast!
Dad: Are you allowed to eat that for breakfast? I'm not sure, let's call your mom.
Five-year-old boy: You're an adult, you can make those decisions.
--Bleecker St
Overheard by: Cecilia
Now That's Comedy
Tourist to comedy show hawker: Knock-knock.
Comedy show hawker: Um... Who's there?
Tourist: I hate comedy. [He walks away.]
--Times Square
PETA Filed a Friend-of-the-Court Brief, to No Avail
Guy: How was the weekend? Were the kids well-behaved?
Woman: It was fine, they were great.
Guy: How was Max at night? He sometimes gets lonely and starts crying.
Woman: Hmm, I don't know. I locked them out of my room.
Guy, yelling: You what?!? How could you? You know how they are at night!
[pause.]
Woman, unruffled: They are pets. Not kids. Pets. And I don't sleep with dogs that weigh more than I do.
--Starbucks, 20th St & 6th Ave
Sometimes the People at Serta Let Me Crash in Their Showroom
Barely legal girl: Can we do brunch tomorrow?
Guy: Sure.
Barely legal girl: Good. I like having Saturday plans. I get sad on weekends if I don't wake up in someone else's bed or have plans.
--51st & 9th
Overheard by: Bar Keep
The Yanks Expect That Sort of Thing from Us
British guy: Hey, look, an eye patch. This will look great with my smoking jacket.
British girl: What costume will that be?
British guy: Costume? I just think it will look good.
--Party City, Union Square
Overheard by: Charlie
We Didn't Have to Show Our Passports or Anything?
Daughter, looking at "NJ Transit" sign: Why does it say we're in New Jersey?!
Mother: Aren't we?
--Penn Station
Overheard by: Jay
We Didn't Have to Show Our Passports or Anything?
Daughter, looking at "NJ Transit" sign: Why does it say we're in New Jersey?!
Mother: Aren't we?
--Penn Station
Overheard by: Jay
Oh, Madam, I'm Blushing
Woman: So what do you do?
Man, trying to pick her up: I work for FedEx and do construction on the weekends, that why I'm so jacked.
Woman: Oh you're so smooth, I thought you were a drug dealer.
--34th St & 9th Ave
I Can't Change That, So I'm Getting Braces
20-something woman #1: Why don't boys like me? Because of my snaggle-tooth?
20-something woman #2: No. Because you're obsessed with The Snorks.
--Relish, Williamsburg
Overheard by: Justin Casement
And Are You Pregnant? I Rest My Case.
Bearded man: To save time, you should pour your apple juice in with your tea, to make apple-tea.
Unbearded man: That's crazy talk.
Bearded man: Well, you're the one who suggested I go on the pill.
--Diner, 59th & 7th
They Were a Little Down Around the Holidays, But Isn't Everyone?
Conductor #1 on intercom: My pants are down. Are your pants down?
Conductor #2: No, my pants are good.
--Metro North
Overheard by: jessie
Everyone Can See and Hear Tila Tequila
Large drunk tattooed man: So wha's your story? You in school?
Kid next to him: Yes ...
Large drunk tattooed man: Never went to school. Know why? Cuz I'm schizophrenic!
Man's girlfriend: There you go again, sweetie. [apologetically] He means manic depressive.
Large drunk tattooed man: No, I do not, bitch! I'm schizophrenic!
Man's girlfriend: Honey, the doctor told you you're manic depressive.
Large drunk tattooed man: I'm schizophrenic, bitch! I see shit! I hear shit talk to me! I get pills! I don't take 'em, but I get 'em! I! Am! Schizophrenic!
Man's girlfriend: I am so tired of this argument ...
--G Train
Overheard by: I really WOULDN'T argue such a point
Well, It Was Pretty Straight
Lesbian #1: She was straight!
Lesbian #2: If she straps it on the first time you have sex, she's not straight!
--House Party, Astoria
Overheard by: MissPinkKate
...And Sell It on eBay!
Mother to six-year-old girl: Tomorrow we're going to the doctor's office, then to the dentist...
Six-year-old, whispering: Mmommy, I don't want to go. [louder] They take my my blood. My blood!
--6 Train
Overheard by: Garrett
Sparkly Decorations Are Unequivocably Straight Fare
Dad: Hey kids, let's stop and take a picture with the famous tree, you've never done that before.
Kid #1: [looking up]... Eh, no thanks, dad.
Kid #2: Yeah dad, we're good.
Dad: ... You kids are gay.
--Rock Center
If Everybody's Wearing Pants and Nobody Takes Your Wallet, It's a Successful Commute
Crazy hobo, dancing and singing as he walks down the aisle: Yeah, yeah, yeahhhhhh... Yeahhh yeahhh yeahhh. And now for my grand finale! [pulls emergency break and exits car.]
Angry woman: Oh, hell no. He did not just do that. I knew he was gonna to do that shit.
Friend: Why didn't you trip him or somethin'?
Angry woman: Are you fuckin' kidding me? And get beat up by a crazy? Did ya'll see that?!
Young woman: Fuck my life.
--D Train
Overheard by: KK
George Washington Said Something about My Momma
Cashier: That comes out to $5.50.
[Man hands cashier a $5 with a hole in it.]
Cashier: Uh, do you have anything better? You know without a hole in it?
Man: Naw, I got mad at it so I shot it.
Cashier: Ah, totally understandable.
--McDonald's, Bronx
I Just Respect Her Power
Young suit #1: Dude, you're not even seeing her, so why does it matter what kind of underwear you wear?
Young suit #2: If I'm not wearing the right underwear she yells at me in front of the whole office...
--74th & Amsterdam
Just Watched Her Self-Destruct Over Webcam
Dude: You should've seen how pissed she was when I finally told her that I lied and wasn't really gay.
Girl: You should've removed all the knives, pills and nooses from the house after that one.
Dude: I'm not stupid: I didn't tell her in person!
--29th & 10th
Wednesday One-Liners Breathe through Their Noses
Black girl on bluetooth headset: You want everyone to suck yo dick, dontcha? Dontcha?! You want everyone to suck yo dick!
--W. 59th & 9th Ave
Overheard by: Alexandra
Twelve-year-old guido, near tears, doubled over in the street screaming on his cell phone: You sucked Charlie's dick last night, you blow job! You sucked Charlie's dick last night, you blow job!
--Brooklyn
20 something blonde on cell: ... Is that normal? [Pause.] No, it's different every time, like it almost disappears... Then another time its all swinging and shit... Is that normal? [Listens.]Oh no! Thats just fine, like it gags me when ... [Mumbles.]
--LIRR
Manager to employee: You are a cock guzzling thundercunt!
--Chelsea
Gay guy, to his friend: I mean...I may suck dick but at least I don't take it up the ass.
--16th & 9th
Woman: Short of blowing him in MoMa, I really don't know how to get his attention.
--A Train
Overheard by: Why MoMa?
Wednesday One-Liners: the Best of Cities and the Worst of Cities
Guy: Yeah, he has this obsession with white weasels. It's just very New York, you know?
--23rd & 8th
Overheard by: Kate
White Girl: I'm leaving this city, it's all just bed bugs and bad drugs.
--Queensboro Plaza
Overheard by: Zach
Prudish waitress, to another: In New York, you just come to expect cock-on-cock, ass-on-ass talk... In DC, you don't.
--1 Train
Student to friend: You play the paranoid freak, I will play the egomaniac. We will call it "New York".
--49th & 1st
Thug #1 to Thug #2, while observing typical, plain, Midwest vacationing family getting off a tour bus: Get back on that bus! This New York! You can't handle this shit! [Teenage kids smile. The father, absolutely horrified, grabs the kids and throws them back on the bus.]
--42nd St & 5th Ave
Overheard by: Bunk Moreland
Wednesday One-Liners Have Never Been Married... Just Sayin'
Old queer: You won't believe your eyes in Plainfield. There's not one heterosexual in Plainfield.
--75th & Columbus
Amazed nerd teen: They did this study on women who are ovulating, and even in gay bars when they're ovulating they get way more dick.
--S'nice Coffee Bar, 14th St & 8th Ave
Big black girl: So being gay, when a straight person says, "You can stay over with me, but I'm not inviting you to touch me..." No, girl! You *are* inviting me to touch you.
--C Train
Overheard by: Lemuel
Random guy in stall next me: It's a cluster fuck... Out there, not here, you don't think I'm gay, do you?
--JFK Bathroom
Guy with to few friends: I'm the most homophobic gay man ever.
--Staten Island Perkins Diner
IT manager: Do you know how long ago 1984 was? I was straight!
--915 Broadway, Manhattan
Overheard by: Sarah
Girls Just Wanna Have Wednesday One-Liners
Six-year-old girl, after careful consideration: Oh, well. That's Ok. A baby is almost as much fun as a trampoline.
--Sidewalk Cafe
Guy to friend at 1 AM on a Thursday: Hey, I have an idea -let's talk about how Dan fucked my ex-girlfriend! That'll be fun, that's a good story!
--PATH Train to Hoboken
Overheard by: Katie
Cali girl, to her roommate: We need to be more like coke whores but, like, without the coke, and not the whore part, but just like, opulent and fun.
--133rd & Frederick Douglass
Overheard by: Nathalie
Guy on cell: But, mother, maybe she wants to have fun for a couple of years before she becomes a nun.
--Midtown
Overheard by: Killer
20-something woman on cell: When I left my mom just now she said, 'Have fun gay-tripping in California.' Uhmmmmm?
--Penn Station
Overheard by: McF
Middle aged babysitter corralling flock of young children down the street: This should be fun... How come it isn't? Anybody got any ideas?
--18th St & 6th Ave
Overheard by: Dave
Wednesday One-Liners' Eyes Are Bigger Than Their Stomachs
20-something woman: Is she a bialy in real life?
--Tomo sushi, 110th & Broadway
Overheard by: Ursula & Winifred
Very large black woman on cell phone, bellowing: I don't do no motherfucking corn bread! Why the fuck you always want corn bread, motherfucker?
--St. Luke's-Roosevelt Hospital, 114th & Amsterdam
Punk girl to another: I wish I was a muffin. But I'm not. I'm a human.
--B Train
Overheard by: id rather be a cupcake
Black Whole Foods employee to black whole Foods customer: You have to be raised on it, you hear me? I was raised on c-town, key foods. I ain't gonna pay no 4 dollars for no eggs.
--Union Square Whole Foods
Clueless suit on cell: I'm just really bad at knowing if stuff is perishable or not. I just don't know. Ok, so ice cream -that's perishable, right? Butter -non-perishable. Caviar isn't perishable either... Wait, what? Oh, butter is perishable? Wait, how do you know? Does perishable mean it has to be kept in the fridge? Ok, so does caviar have to be kept in the fridge?
--E 60th St
Angry 20-something on cell phone: Why? Why? Because I can't eat spaghetti-o's anymore!
--E 13th St & 1st Ave
Grey's Wednesday One-Liners
Girl talking to another girl: I like rectal physiology.
--Grand Central
Overheard by: no need to take her to a movie
Fireman, mocking drunk voice and crazy walking: Where are my kneecaps? Has anyone seen my kneecaps? Where the hell did my kneecaps go?
--Times Square
Overheard by: jacki
Man on street talking seriously to friend: And then the lady's head fell into the toilet bowl.
--White St & W. Broadway
Overheard by: I would have loved to hear the ending of this story..
Guy: It would be better if we could see our own bodies cut up, all laid out on front of us like this!
--Entering the Bodies Exhibition, South Street Seaport
Girl in train: It's so cold that my ears are freezing their asses off!
--4 Train
Overheard by: Not High, Kumar
Woman at next table: Well, I only get cold sores on my nose.
--The Mermaid Inn, 2nd Ave & 5th
Goin' to the Chapel and We're Gonna Get Wednesday One-Liners
Big bald guy: No, no, you don't have to be ordained to marry people at the show. Just put on the Pope robe if you want to marry people.
--Office Building, Hudson St
Guy: I took your advice, bro. I'm gonna marry her in a little over three weeks. But... I gotta get drunk first.
--Houston & Broadway
Overheard by: erin
Suit #1 to suit #2: Well, maybe she won't sign the pre-nup and then you'll be free.
--Wall Street
Black chick: No! No! Ain't no one gettin' lynched at my wedding!
--Food Dimensions, Myrtle & Broadway
Overheard by: off white
Woman on cell: The only time he gets to be himself is when he goes away and that's the way he saves the marriage... Otherwise it's "Mommy, I don't feel well' and 'Mommy, may I be excused from the table."
--23rd St & 5th Ave
Overheard by: Mugsy's Moll
Goth chick on phone: He proposed to me while he was in me... Yea, well, I mean he told me after that he really meant it!
--Penn Station
Hot Wednesday-on-Wednesday One-Liners
Random guy, singing loudly: Leeeesbian seagull!
--South Street Sea Port
Overheard by: Ger-Man in New York
Thug: Shit! I have to get my teacher a present. Its so hard. She's like butch... You know what I'm saying? Shes got short hair and don't wear earrings -like that chick [points to a woman who can obviously hear the conversation and looks affronted.] Yeah lady, you like the pussy!
--F Train
Drunk girl: You wanna know why I'm a lesbian? When I was crawling out of my mothers vagina I tasted that shit. And that shit was good. I just had to keep going back for more.
--Odessa's, Ave A
Overheard by: Dannia Alfonso
Hardcore lesbian tourist #1 to hardcore lesbian tourist #2: Hey! Beaver Street! Let's eat down there.
--Beaver St , Hanover Square
Overheard by: WallStGuy
Black teen punk girl, arguing with boyfriend: No, I'm gonna go become a lesbian now. Big. Huge. Les. Bo.
--V Train
Overheard by: Jon A.
Buff guy: But now they'll know I'm a lesbian.
--Christopher & Bleecker
Overheard by: Colleen
Wednesday One-Liners Do Not Pass "Go"; Do Not Collect $200
Guy: I don't think you're supposed to like being incarcerated.
--St. Mark's Place
Overheard by: mkb
Middle-aged man on phone: I'm telling you, if I turn myself in now I won't be in court for six months.
--50th & 8th
Grungy guy to his friend: ...Dude, you have no idea how many times I've been in this courthouse...
--Giants Parade, in Front of the Courthouse
Overheard by: Julian
Guy on phone: We really got ourselves in some deep shit with this one. I hope he gets out sooner for good behavior. We should have never gotten involved.
--JFK Airport
Woman, yelling in stall: I will read you your Miranda rights, bitch! I will arrest you!
--Port Authority Women's Bathroom
Overheard by: unsure if she is crazy or on the phone
Cashier on phone: No, you don't understand, miss. That is perjury. If I do that, I will go to jail... No, you are not listening to me. I would be arrested. I would serve time...[hangs up, turns to customers.] Can I help you?
--Harlem U-Haul
Art for Wednesday One-Liner's Sake
Woman at bar to her friend: Ok, I know I'm an art dealer, but I'm like, the least bourgeois person I know.
--Smith & Mills (restaurant in Tribeca)
Overheard by: the lerpa
Little boy to friends: There are are four really big, important artists: Monet, Van Gogh, Renoir and... Pistachio.
--Impressionism Room, Metropolitan Museum of Art
Overheard by: I love Pistachio's green period
Young girl: These paintings smell nice and fresh!
--The Met
Angry white suburban artist to Jews for Jesus: Stop talking! You are pushing this on me without me asking -that makes you a cult. Go away. We don't like your kind here -we are all white suburban artists.
--Morgan L Stop on Bogart
Overheard by: not a hipster
Gangsta: Dali? Ain't he like, Picasso or some shit?
--The Met
Wednesday One-Liners Won't Remember This Tomorrow
Loud, shit-faced Asian girl to strangers: You want some of this? I mean, don't get me wrong. I love sex. [falls forward, taps stranger on forehead.] herro! Anybody home?! [laughs hysterically].
--Metro North
Drunk chick: Fuck technology, first it kills the bees, now it's killing my ovaries!
--A Train
Drunk guy: Last night I shit on my balls!
--Williamsburg
Overheard by: Confabulation Nation
Drunk girl to drunk boyfriend: Well, you fingered me in the cab!
--A Train
Drunk preppy businessman: Just tell her to put the oil in the noodles and rub it all over the chest...
--33rd & Broadway
Overheard by: voluptuousgrl
Drunk girl in the bathroom, picking up plastic bag from the garbage: Whose baby is this?!?!
--Madison Square Garden Bathroom
Wednesday One-Liners Make "Unsafe Requests"
Homeless man: Eliot Spitzer for President!... Make the White House the whorehouse!
--Battery Park
NYU guy: So my friend who works for Eliot Spitzer called me the other day and asked me to ask his roommate to delete all his emails. He didn't say why, but then about two hours later I found out about the whole prostitute thing... And now I'm a little worried.
--NYU Bus
AmNY newspaper guy, handing out papers with Eliot Spitzer's picture on the front page: $80,000 for a ho, and we can't get a raise!
--Outside 33rd St Station, 33rd & Park
Crazy guy, speeding on a bicycle through a crowd: Don't even think about it people! I gotta make a party at Spitzer's in ten minutes!
--43rd & Lexington
Overheard by: Dan J
Old lady: Why, if I were young like you, I could be a call-girl to scum-of-the-earth Spitzer!
--Laundromat, 34th St, Long Island City
What Happens If You Don't Hang Your Food from a Tree
British guy: Why is Sam having such a vagina attack?
Chick: I just saw her.
British guy: Did she look like she was having a vagina attack?
--St. John's University
How Susie Learned to Speak in Vague Hypotheticals
Seven-year-old girl: Daddy! You wanna hear a secret?!
Dad: Sure, but remember honey: I'm a social worker so if this is a secret about you hurting yourself or others I have to report it.
Seven-year-old girl: ... Never mind.
--LaGuardia Airport
Overheard by: Jessica
I Didn't Ask for Facts, Either
Guy who just managed to squeeze onto the train: There no room here.
Girl trying to get on the train: I didn't ask for no attitude.
Guy: You're too fat.
--1 Train
Overheard by: DL
What Do You Know About Superstring Theory?
Woman #1: You know, when I remember my childhood, I realize that my family was really complicated; my father and uncle were always fighting... Actually, my uncle tried to shoot my father once -
Woman #2: Wait, what?
Woman #1: Listen, that's not the complicated part.
--Westside Brewery, Upper West Side
Overheard by: vitupera
...And He Keeps Tripping Over the Hems
Middle-aged white guy: ... Yeah, well, Stan hurt himself.
Younger black guy: Well, he be wearin dresses and shit...
--Fulton St
Overheard by: Ruru
If Ned Flanders Had Sired a Girl
Dad: So, your school called today, honey, and do you know what they said?
Six-year-old girl: No, what?
Dad: That they have to check everyone in your class tomorrow for lice!
Six-year-old girl: Hoorayyyyyy!!
--West 4th St Platform
Overheard by: Jess
Pop Quiz: What's the Scariest Thing About This Conversation?
Girl #1: Wow, The Ring and The Grudge were like the scariest movies!
Girl #2: Yeah, I know!
Girl #1: Japanese people are good at scary movies like that. I wonder why?
Girl #2: Probably because of Vietnam.
--NYU
Overheard by: k
That Cat's Gonna Get a Good Talking-to When I Get Home
Girl #1: He says he's not hitting on me. I want to believe him.
Girl #2: Honey, if he licks the back of your neck so that you shiver, he's hitting on you.
Girl #1: That's a good point.
--E 64th St
Overheard by: interested...
Totally Worth It If You Want to Ascend to a Higher Plane
Businesswoman #1: So I had to go in this little booth, and it has these tiny holes that shoot air at you! And I was like "What on earth is this for?" and the security guy said "Oh, it's so we can get a sense of your aura." I mean really, they don't let you get on a plane if your aura is bad?
Businesswoman #2: Wow, I guess so. Airport security is getting really tight these days.
Businesswoman #1: Seriously.
--50th & 7th
Overheard by: Arielle
Why the Hell Am I Always in Line with You?
Man #1: You know that saying about how if you teach a man to fish, he can fish?
Man #2: Yeah.
--Grand Central Station
It's So Nice That We Can Talk Like This
NYU girl: Wait, do you live with Paul?
NYU guy: Uh, yeah.
NYU girl: Oh. I don't know who that is.
--Union Square
Overheard by: Nick M.
White People: Is Any Of This Our Fault?
Large black guy #1: Wait, you don't have your permit yet?
Large black guy #2: Nigga, that ain't my fault. You know I can drive, but the written test fucked me up.
Large black guy #1: I thought you said it was the easiest shit ever.
Large black guy #2: No, it is. I took it in five minutes. But the last question was "if there's an ambulance, a fire truck and a mail truck behind you, who do you let by first?"
Large black guy #1: That's easy. It's the -
Large black guy #2: Lemme finish. So I put the ambulance right, because some nigga be dying back there. But it turns out the answer is the postal truck because it's federal property and you can't mess with the feds.
Large black guy #1: That's some stupid shit right there. Some nigga be dying in the back. Stupid feds. You know, the police can get you now for saying the n-word? They can give you a ticket and shit.
Large black guy #2: That ain't right, nigga. I'm black and I will act accordingly.
--2 Train
Edwar Ramirez Threw a Puck Right Past Henrik Lundqvist
Businessman #1: Have you ever rode on the subway before?
Businessman #2: Yeah, last time I was here, we took it to a Yankee game. I think they were playing that other New York team, the Rangers.
--6 Train
Overheard by: Stef
A Spit in the Hand May Be Quite Continental, but KY Is a Girl's Best Friend
Gal #1: So, we're having a Heath Ledger retrospective this weekend - 10
Things, Knight's Tale and Brokeback Mountain.
Gal #2: Problem -those first two annoy me and the third one made my butt hurt.
Gal #1: Eww! Wow. I can't believe that's all you took away from that movie!
Gal #2: Oh, no, it was from the chair... Not the butt sex...
--Columbus Circle
What's It Called When the Government Does It?
Cop: You can't take pictures in the subway.
Cameraman's friend: Why not?
Cop: It's against the law.
Cameraman's friend: Why is that?
Cop: Ever heard of a little thing called terrorism?
--High Street Brooklyn Bridge A/C Station
I Miss My Old Boss
Girl#1: And he was all like, "Boo hoo, I wish you were here to take care of me. Come snuggle."
Girl#2: Aww! That's sweet.
Girl#1: Ew! No it's not! [after rolling eyes and taking sip of coffee] that's what his fucking wife is for...
Girl#2: I... Do you hear yourself?
Girl#1: Fuck you!
--NYU
Yeah, but They Don't Eat Much
Woman #1: Why shouldn't I trust him? Because he's gay?
Woman #2: No. Because he might be Jeffrey Dahmer.
Woman #1: He might be Jeffrey Dahmer?
Woman #2: Yeah. I just don't trust anyone.
Woman #1: You're friends with crackheads!
--N Train
CNN Needs More Scratching and Weave-Pulling
Black girl #1, after watching Eliot Spitzer's apology: Did you see the wife? She was just standin' there!
Black girl #2: That's cause she's not black. If that was me, I'da took off my ring and throwed it at his head.
Black girl #1: Mmmhmm. If she was black, she'd a keeped it real.
--Edward R. Murrow High School
But He Didn't Taste Cute at All
Blonde girl: So, like, how was the sex?
Skank: It was great until he asked me to lick his asshole.
Blonde girl: Um, did you?
Skank: Well, yeah. He even paid me.
Blonde girl: Um, isn't that prostitution?
Skank: Well, I met him in a bar and I thought he was cute...
--A Train
Overheard by: Ben Dover
Psh, Anybody Can Be Gay for Pay
Queer #1: The thing about sexuality is...
Queer #2: No! Were you gay when you were a prostitute?
--3rd St & 7th Ave
Hope That Makes It into the House Blooper Reel
30-ish guy: So how was work today?
20-ish girl: It was hilarious. This guy named Wilson was sitting on a chair, and his shoes fell off.
--L Train
Overheard by: Derek
That's What They Call a "Dildon't"
Girl #1: How's your va... [inaudible].
Girl #2: Shhhh.
Girl #1: Your vagina!
Girl #2, flustered: Shhhh!
Girl #1: Didn't your vibrator break?
[Everyone turns around to stare.]
--Butler Library, Columbia University
Our Spies Are Everywhere
Really tall kid: Then my mom said I couldn't use condoms anymore.
Really tall friend: ... Way for that guy to hear you.
--Hilton Hotel
Not Wishing to Offend the Bride's Parents
Woman from #1 couple: Well after the wedding, they had an orgy. We were invited but chose not to attend.
Man from #2 couple: Well, had we been invited, we absolutely would have attended.
--2 Train
I'm Breaking Out the Good Chronic Tonight
Mom to son exiting criminal court: So, what did they say 'bout all them drugs you do?
Young son: Nothin'! They didn't even ask, so I didn't say anything.
Mom: Wow! I am so proud of you.
--161st, Bronx
Was It Pay-My-Student-Loans Fun?
Man, after bumping into girl: Sorry.
Girl: Sorry.
Man: Actually, I'm not sorry, that was fun!
--Strand Bookstore
Overheard by: sternie
God, I Love the Arbitrary Exercise Of Petty Authority
Small Asian girl, crying on cell phone: Where are you guys?
Security guard: No talking on cell phones!
Asian girl: But... But I lost my friends.
Security guard: And no crying either!
--The Met
Besides, If You Go Far Enough Left, You're Right.
Little girl, adorably: So, this hand is right and this one is left?
Mom: No, it's the other way around.
Little girl: But you said before! You said this was the right and this was the left!
Mom: Well, if I'm facing you -
Little girl, exasperated : Mother, I really don't want to talk to you about this anymore.
--LIRR
Overheard by: Marissa
Then They Picked up Their Violins and Rode Off to Their Parents' Dry Cleaners
Asian nerd #1: Neutrons!
Asian nerd #2: ... Subatomic particles!
Asian nerd #3: Velocity times speed equals... Power! [all start cheering and high-fiving one another.]
--Park Ave & 23rd St
Overheard by: ...not very science-y
There's No Food Allowed on the Senate Floor
Suit #1: So, it was like a mafia meeting, with a bunch of guys sitting around eating sandwiches?
Suit #2: Nah, there were no sandwiches.
--Grand Central Station
You're Not a Lesbian, Are You?
Two-year-old girl runs up to Indian Sikh with grey beard and purple turban.
Toddler: Santa! Look mommy, Santa! Hi Santa!
Mom: She ... Likes your hat.
--Lillian's Pizza, Forest Hills
Overheard by: Ethan
Announced He's Making the Full Court Press against Terror
Traveller: Can you put on CBS so we can watch the basketball?
Bartender: It's not on.
Traveller: Really? It should be...
Bartender: Yeah, it *was* on, but then that guy came on to talk. You know, that guy, what's his name? The president?
--Bar, JFK Terminal 7
Overheard by: NCS
My Third Arm Gives Me Character
Yuppie girl #1: So he said he couldn't date me.
Yuppie girl #2: Why?
Yuppie girl #1: He said he likes to date normal girls.
Yuppie girl #2: What?!
Yuppie girl #1: Yeah, like who likes normal girls?
--Spring St & 6th Ave
No Sense of Humor
Guy #1: I mean, what I really like about Kelly is that she is really funny...I mean actually, really funny.
Guy #2: Yeah... You usually get that with Jew girls.
Guy #1: Yeah man... Man, what was Hitler thinking?
--4 Train
Overheard by: Liz
None of That Explains Carrot Top
First man: So after Cain killed Abel he was sent from exile and went up Europe way.
Second man: Not Asia?
First man: No, the Caucus mountains... that's up Europe way.
Second man: Oh, you mean like Turkey.
First man: And since black people don't like the cold, Cain went to live in a cave and started to grow and was the first caveman. Now at that time there was dinosaurs but they weren't really dinosaurs, we call them dinosaurs but that's just how God made animals, you know, until you start messin with the DNA of 'em.
Second man: Oh!
First man: Then Cain met his sister and they had a baby together but since Cain was cursed for being the first murderer their baby came out an obino.
Second man: An obino?
First man: Yeah, a red-headed blue-eyed obino and that's where white people come from. Then they went to the north pole and you know it's light there six months and it's dark there six months and the wind is always blowing and that's where Asian people come from. That's why they eyes is like that because the wind was always blowin in they faces.
--D Train
We Beg to Differ About Kathleen Turner
Foreigner: She is lovely. But growing like a cow.
American friend: She is bit of a pork chop.
Foreigner: But she does not look like a man. Which is a good thing.
--6 Train
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