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I'm Beginning to Think My Thesis Advisor Is Asking Too Much of Me
Girl: I don't inspect poo, and I don't pull things from her ass.
Guy: [Blank stare.]
--Union St., Brooklyn
Still a More Convincing Gandhi Than Ben Kingsley
Guy with thick New York accent: Come on, let's go.
[Dog lies down on back.]
Guy: Don't do that Mahatma Gandhi shit!
--Washington Square Dog Run
Overheard by: KidUgly
But at Least You've Stopped with the Slapping
Mother to child: Shut up!
Child: Don't you dare use that language with me! You're so disrespectful!
--85th & 3rd
Overheard by: Nora
You Big, Gay Little House-Watcher
Guy on cell: There was Laura Ingalls and the mean one... What was her name?
Passerby: Nellie!
--Entrance, A Train
Overheard by: TRUE
Translation: "That Bathroom Better Have a Window Big Enough to Fit Me"
Guy to date: Well, when it's like when I'm on a roadtrip, even if I need to pee, I don't, I force myself to keep it in, it's like a control thing. Totally about power. [Date gets up to go to the bathroom.] Hurry back! I want to tell you more!
Date: Yeah, it's really... Powerful.
--Soup'N'Burger, Broadway & Astor
Overheard by: rpk
We Can Stand on the Platform All Night and Pretend We're Waiting for the G
Nineteen-year-old guy: So do you want to try role playing tonight?
Nineteen-year-old girlfriend: What?!
Nineteen-year-old guy: You know, like let's pretend we're from Brooklyn.
--120th & Broadway
Overheard by: Heather V
Someday She'll Just Erupt Like Mount Crackhotoa
Girl: He says that she is his soulmate. Is he fucking kidding me?
Guy: She is a semen-gurgling road whore.
--Subway Inn, 60th St, UES
There's No Magic Like the Sorcery of Proper Accessorizing
Little boy, shouting and grabbing magic wand from his sister: No! I wanna be Hermione! It's my turn to be Hermione!
Little girl: Be Harry! His magic's better!
Little boy: But Hermione's clothes are so much cooler!
--Barnes and Noble, E 86th St
Overheard by: Noel Coward
Tomorrow --Wood-Chippers and Car Trunks!
Student: So how can we use this information to our advantage?
Professor: Well, if you were ever going to kill someone you would want to bury them in wet ground.
Student: Like a swamp?
Professor, with evil grin: A swamp would be ideal.
--Electromagnetics Lecture, Columbia University
Usually I Have No Problem Getting Weed
Man leaving Dunkin Donuts: She tried to sell me donuts!
Wife: Are you sure?
--86th & Lexington
Overheard by: soph
And a Decent Thesis Advisor
Bimbette #1: He's hot.
Bimbette #2: I think he's gross.
Bimbette #1: Why do you think he's gross?
Bimbette #2: Well, he tosses salads. I personally think that's gross. But he's overall a cool guy.
--11th & University
I Figure, If You're Male, Going to Atonement Is Like Waving a Rainbow Flag
Gay guy: I'm going to the movies tonight.
Male friend: Yeah? To see what?
Gay guy: Men.
--Shake Shack, Madison Square Park
Overheard by: Wish I was going, too
I Miss This
Chick: Since we broke up you've been smoking a lot.
Guy: Yeah...
Chick: You shouldn't smoke.
Guy: You shouldn't suck so much dick but you don't hear me criticize you five times a day.
Chick: [Mouth wide open in shock.]
Guy: To start you should try closing your mouth!
--B Train
Overheard by: another now single smoker
Isn't That Sweet?
[Skinny girl takes box of equal out of her pocket and puts half the packages in her coffee.]
Friend: What are you doing? You're going to get cancer!
Equal girl: Yeah, but I won't get fat.
--Starbucks
Now New York Is Laughing
Guy #1: Man, do you think *Jane is hot?
Guy #2: I mean she's smart, but I wouldn't say she's hot. Why do you think she's into you?
Guy #1: Well, I think that she thinks I'm arrogant, but I'm not. It just comes off that way because I'm really insecure, my confidence is all fake.
Guy #3: Hey, I think that girl is listening to us... And she's laughing.
Guy #1: Anyway... Can we please talk about my insecurities for a while, we never talk about me.
--Metro North
Overheard by: texting her friend the whole convo
Game. Set. Match
Guy: You remember those Lycra bicycle shorts?
Friend: No.
Guy: ... From the mid 90s?
Friend: No.
Guy: Well they were really tight.
Friend: Ok.
Guy: I used to wear them when I was younger and be really embarrassed when I got erections in them.
Friend: I used to jerk off with my dad's dirty magazines. I would wrap them around my dick.
--Churchill's
Overheard by: Veggie2001
Her Penis Was Unexpected
Muscular bouncer, to drunk girl: I'll make sure you get in, because you've got that cute little lip ring.
Drunk girl: Want to see what else I've got?
Fat bouncer: I do!
--310 Bowery
Overheard by: Vasu
First-Come, First-Served Is a Pretext for Discrimination!
[A woman creates her own line and walks up to the counter.]
Postal employee: Ma'am, you have to wait in line.
Latino woman: I was in the esspress line.
Postal employee: We don't serve espresso here ma'am, this is the post office.
Latino woman: What? You think I'm stoopid? I have less than ten items.
Postal employee: There is no express line at the post office, please wait in line like the other people.
Latino woman: Oh... I see how it is.
Postal employee: Happy holidays, ma'am.
Latino woman: Fuck you too.
--Post Office, 14th Street & Avenue A
Overheard by: texmorgan
And Sometimes Pre-Mustard
Film professor: What kind of movie causes a bodily reaction?
Student:... Pornography?
Film professor: And what does pornography cause your body to produce?
Student, after long pause: Bodily... fluids?
Film professor: Otherwise known as... Cum!
--Columbia Universtiy
And Never Ride the Subway
Cute nerd girl playing Scrabble #1: How many Ts in frottage?
Cute nerd girl playing Scrabble #2: Frottage? What's that?
Cute nerd girl playing Scrabble #1: It's when you rub against someone in a crowd, sexually. Like dry humping.
Cute nerd girl playing Scrabble #2: Oh yeeeeah, I knew that. Jeez, I haven't heard that word since that Psychology of Sex class I took a few years ago.
Cute nerd girl playing Scrabble #1, enthusiastically: That's because you don't read enough slash!
--Starbucks, 2nd & 9th
Sometimes Even Math Majors Can't Do the Math
Asian guy #1: Hey, would you date a female version of yourself?
Asian guy #2: No way bro, I don't date white bitches.
--Columbia University
The Smiths' First Attempts at Threesome Recruitment Were Quite Bungled
Woman tourist to chick smoking: Can I ask you a question? My husband and I are trying to see who's right...
Chick: Ummmm...
Woman tourist: Where is the Statue of Liberty? I said midtown, but Bob thinks it's uptown.
Chick: It's actually all the way downtown in New York harbor...
Woman tourist, to husband: See Bob, I was right.
Chick: Umm... No... Well, whatever.
--42nd St
Overheard by: Libby
Don't Let a Little Thing Like a Manslaughter Conviction Stand in Your Way
Girl #1: I don't know, I don't really know him that well.
Girl #2: All I'm saying is: he's pretty good-looking and he wants to have sex with you, so just let him already.
--LIRR
Overheard by: Eric
...Anne Frank, Get Your Gun
Dude #1: Do you think it's possible to write a book and then find out it's just like another book?
Dude #2: Yeah... That happened with my musical about the Nazis...
--114th & Broadway
Overheard by: HuntingSnark
Nice to See That Cultural Reference Alive and Kickin'
MTA employee #1: You know, it's thought that the first vampire was actually Lilith...
MTA employee #2: You mean Frasier's wife?
--7 Train
Overheard by: The only other person who got it.
Marge Began to Regret Giving Her Daughter Whiskey As a Baby
Daughter: I was a needle!
Mom: How were you a needle?
Daughter: I was a cute needle!
--10th & 6th Ave
So What's the Going Rate for Hairballing, Anyway?
Drunk dude #1: He has a total hair fetish.
Drunk dude #2: How do you know?
Drunk dude #1: Remember Kathy?
Drunk dude #3: The whore?
Drunk dude #1: Yeah. Well, he asked her how much it'd be to rub her hair on his balls, and she said $50.
--49th & 8th
Overheard by: Jordan
This Picture Book Will Explain
Bimbette, pointing to menu: How do you pronounce this?
Waitress: It's called the "Paul Bunyan".
Bimbette: Is that French?
--High Life Cafe, Upper West Side
Overheard by: EthanK
I Only Care About the Important Things, Like the Size of His Apartment
Girl #1: ... So, do you have a thing for him?
Girl #2: No. I mean he's cute, but he's overweight and doesn't dress that well.
Girl #1: That never stops me!
--1 Train
Overheard by: p9
I Also Love Gravity Bongs and Our Lord Jesus Christ
Boyfriend: This song was in 'Beavis and Butt-head do America'!
Girlfriend: Yeah?
Boyfriend: I love that movie ... And I love you.
--Dunkin Donuts, 26th & 7th
Overheard by: Kai Nagai-Rothe
Leggo My Preggo! Is By Far My Favorite
Student #1: I have a friend who is addicted to pregger porn.
Student #2: What is that?
Student #1: It is watching pregnant women getting fucked in the ass, it's kind of interesting.
--Columbia University
And Her Apparent Clitoral Hypertrophy
Girl: My new roommate gets freaked out by my composting. She's like, why are there egg shells and coffee grounds in this bin?
Boy: She has other things to be more freaked out about, like her mustache.
--B54 Bus
Every Nasty Thing You Say to a Kid Will Come Back to You
[A woman is dragging a five-year-old boy into the women's restroom.]
Boy: I don't want to go in.
Woman: Come on, it'll only take a minute.
Boy: But you can wipe your ass by yourself now!
--Times Square
New York's Onstar Is a Little Lacking in Tact.
Random female tourist: Excuse me, can you tell me which way is the river?
Random angry new yorker: Which one, lady? You're on a fucking island.
--9th & Broadway
Overheard by: Elan
Headline by: Jess
Runners-Up:
· ""Oh, Sorry. I'm Looking For, Um (Reading Guidebook) 'Duh Fuckin' River Wit Dah Steel Bitch Innit'..."" - Mike Chmiel
· "And That Was All Reba Needed For A Good Country Song" - cbeck
· "Generic Tourist 'To Do' List: "Get Insulted by New Yorker: - Check!" - Bassmanbish
· "Shit...Can You Tell Me How to Get to New York Then?" - lisa
· "The Map Crisis in America Doesn't Just Apply to Beauty Pageants" - Erin
Click here to see the new Headline Contest
I Prefer to Think of It As "Orange Alert Level"
Thug #1: I got pain in my legs and arthritis in my balls.
Thug #2: Damn, you fucked, nigga!
Thug #1: That's some category 10 pain!
--White Castle, 36th St & 8th
Overheard by: Only in category three pain
You're Still Only As Safe As Your Lover, Sweetie
Well-meaning volunteer: Help yourself, free condoms from the department of public health.
Hugely pregnant passerby: Too late.
--Grand Central Terminal
Overheard by: Katie
I Thought Your Pump-up Jam Was "If I Could Turn Back Time"?
["Umbrella" by rihanna is being loudly played.]
Stoned gay guy: Oh my god, I love this song. This is totally what you hear before you start shooting kids in the projects.
Gay guy: Uh, excuse me?
Stoned gay guy: Yeah. You know, it's like your pump-up jam.
--E 10th St & 2nd Ave
Overheard by: Dying of laughter
Hell Hath No Fury Like Wednesday One-Liners
Crazy church lady into microphone: There are no drugs, sex, or rock n' roll in hell. Repent and have your fill in heaven.
--42nd & 6th Subway Station
Overheard by: Tony
Train "preacher" holding his bible: Adam was the first black man! And Eve was the first white woman! And Adam sinned and got them kicked out of the Garden of Eden. Then they had a whole lot of brown babies! But they set the stage for black men and white women. That's why you have Barack Obama and Hillary Clinton running for President today! It's in the bible!
--2 Train
Preacher: We've got a lot of tourists here today and we know why you came -you want to see a black gospel church. And that's okay, that's okay! That's what we are. And you know, some of our members, they do it tough. Why, they come from such rough neighbourhoods as Connecticut and upstate New York ...
--Abyssinian Baptist Church, Harlem
Bible thumper: You need a ticket to get on the heaven-bound train! And the ticket is Jesus Christ.
--3 Train
Street preacher: ... And what is good for the goose is good for the gander! And what is a gander, anyway?
--St Mark's Place
Overheard by: EthanK
Clap If You Believe in Wednesday One-Liners
Stagehand: I'm telling you, in my next life I'm gonna be a yeti impersonator, and it's gonna be great!
--Lincoln Center
Curly-haired woman on cell: The gnomes you'll be seeing are among the friendliest, I think.
--Penn Station
Overheard by: Poogins
Crazy hobo, walking down the street: I bought Jesus! I bought Santa Claus! I bought the tooth fairy!
--Parsons, 40th & 7th ave
College girl to friend, pointing at native-american diorama: Oh look, they even have mermaids here! [walks closer and sees mannequin's feet.] Never mind, it's not a mermaid!
--Museum of Natural History
Yuppie mom, to toddler son: You can live on the upper west side and I'll be the tooth fairy!
--Times Square Subway
Overheard by: Lillian
Go Back to Williamsburg, Wednesday One-Liner!
Hipster guy: He wants to write a book about how hipsters are all about being nihilistic and getting lung cancer from oral sex.
--Hop Scotch, Ave A
Hipster guy to girl: It's like, you can't take my identity. I'm a film director, that's who I am. It's like if I was a carpenter, I would make wood. I mean, I would make buildings... You can't just choose to be a carpenter.
--Pepe Rosso's, Sullivan St
Asian hipster chick: You know, when you ask someone what they're doing and they say clearing their head? I don't think you can really do that because when you say you're clearing your head you are really thinking about clearing your head so it isn't clear after all.
--A Train
Overheard by: kate
Über-hipster chick to another: Bitch! Brunch tomorrow or I'll fucking smack that headband right off you!
--8th & Bedford, Brooklyn
Hipster girl: What floor was fluffy on?! What floor was fluffy on?!?!??!
--Hookah Bar, East Village
Overheard by: Marisa
Hipster: It was a mess. I mean, you don't want anarchists at the socialist barbecue. Haven't you ever read Kropotkin?
--125th St
Overheard by: Ali
Nos Morituri Te Wednesday One-Liners
Boat PA: Ladies and gentlemen on the top deck of the boat, please do not stand on the benches. If you fall overboard, you will die in this frigid, freezing water. Thank you, and enjoy your visit to Ellis island.
--Ellis Island Ferry
Overheard by: land lubber
Urban sophisticate: Steve Irwin's death was random. That stingray did not know where his heart was!
--Metropolitan Opera
Overheard by: Opera Onlooker
Male suit to woman suit: So, hopefully you're not the angel of death... Are you?
--53rd & Broadway
Overheard by: S&B
Teen guy to three teenage girls: I'm pretty sure I'm invincible and can't die.
--6th Ave
Overheard by: Justin
Woman on cell: My trip went really well, except for Marilyn's* death and all.
--52nd St & Madison
Overheard by: kinicke
50-something professor: So, then the little girl goes back up into her room where she is reading bible verses while everyone else is in church. Then, she either dies all alone... Like Heath Ledger... Or she kills herself. We just don't know.
--Barnard College
Wednesday One-Liners Will Hold Them Open with a Baby, If Need Be
Conductor: Ladies and gentlemen, I'd like to take this time to remind you all that there are four doors on this subway. Four doors. So when you're waiting to board or exit the train and everyone is crowded around one door, just remember that there are four doors. Say it with me now... One... Two... Three... Four... Very good. The magic number for today is four.
--E train
Conductor, to guy trying to hold the doors open at the station: Sir, this is not your train. I repeat, this is not your train.
--1 Train
Overheard by: Firestarter
Conductor: People, this is not an "I think I can" moment! Please stand clear of the closing doors!
--1 train
Overheard by: anna
Female conductor on 3 train, when doors don't close: In the rear, whatever you have hanging out, pull it in!
--3 Train
Overheard by: J-Mo
Train conductor, to someone blocking the doors: Sure, whenever you're ready, we'll move this train out of the station.
--Downtown A Train
Overheard by: Murtwah
Conductor: Please stand clear the closing doors. [beep, doors close. Then they open again]. Please stand clear the closing doors. [beep again, doors close. Then they open again]. Please stand clear the closing doors. [beep again, doors close. Then they open again.] Get yo' foot out a de do' foo'!
--1 Train
Overheard by: Nick
I Wanna Dip My Wednesday One-Liners in It!
Dude, walking up to security desk in emergency room: Hi. It feels like my balls are about to fall off.
--St. Lukes Roosevelt Hospital
Overheard by: Kate Melvin
Stoner chick: The girls are all hairy balls, and the photos look like hairy balls, and they wear hairy ball sacks, but Tyra is the biggest hairy ball of them all.
--7 train
Overheard by: bronwyn
Out-of-place guido: I ain't wearing nothin' that touches my balls to my asshole!
--8th Ave
Overheard by: finds it comforting
Teenage boy to friends, about a movie: Yooo, it's like a chick flick with balls!!! You know, like a guy's chick flick!!!"
--E 85th St & 3rd Ave
Guy: I use Burt's bees for my balls.
--Broadway & W 4th
Overheard by: Jake R
Guy #1 to guy #2: I really think you'd feel a lot better if you felt my balls.
--6th Ave & Bleecker
Wednesday One-Liners Choo-Choo-Choose You
Conductor: Attention downtown passengers. The train that just left the station was obviously not your train.
--6 Train
Woman on cell: Hey, it's the MTA who should be spanked!
--Rector St.
Overheard by: Ladle
Small girl to mom: I like this train station the best because it has an elevator, and you can see the whole world outside. The whole wide beautiful world.
--Harlem Escalator, 1 Train
Overheard by: Mark Brinker
Guy: I get all my information from subway ads.
--F Train
Overheard by: Thom Cohen
Woman, hearing garbled announcement that E train is running as an F: No! They are takin' all my E trains!
--E Train
Overheard by: I can has E train?
Crackhead: Make sure to take your newspapers with you on the way out of the train. I'm having company over later and I want it to look nice.
--Franklin Avenue Shuttle
Overheard by: shuttle rider
Wednesday One-Liners Are No Longer Considered a Planet
Girl, to boyfriend: And that's why you can never trust the emotions or actions of someone whose star sign is ruled by mars.
--20th & 7th
Overheard by: ALR
Barista to waiter: I don't mind that I spent $130 on a pair of Oakleys cause I can look at the sun for a while and it won't hurt my eyes.
--Long Island Railroad
Overheard by: Chris K.
Baby boomer hippie to college student: Dude, I just got me some of that Afghani shit. Took me to the mooooooon and back, baby!
--Washington Square
Overheard by: Summer
Doonesbury looking dude: Imagine what life would be like without the sun.
--40th & Park Ave
Overheard by: Ledbetter
Girl, being shaken awake by friend: But Rachel, where are you going to put the black hole?
--A Train