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I'm Beginning to Think My Thesis Advisor Is Asking Too Much of Me
Girl: I don't inspect poo, and I don't pull things from her ass.
Guy: [Blank stare.]
--Union St., Brooklyn
Still a More Convincing Gandhi Than Ben Kingsley
Guy with thick New York accent: Come on, let's go.
[Dog lies down on back.]
Guy: Don't do that Mahatma Gandhi shit!
--Washington Square Dog Run
Overheard by: KidUgly
But at Least You've Stopped with the Slapping
Mother to child: Shut up!
Child: Don't you dare use that language with me! You're so disrespectful!
--85th & 3rd
Overheard by: Nora
You Big, Gay Little House-Watcher
Guy on cell: There was Laura Ingalls and the mean one... What was her name?
Passerby: Nellie!
--Entrance, A Train
Overheard by: TRUE
Translation: "That Bathroom Better Have a Window Big Enough to Fit Me"
Guy to date: Well, when it's like when I'm on a roadtrip, even if I need to pee, I don't, I force myself to keep it in, it's like a control thing. Totally about power. [Date gets up to go to the bathroom.] Hurry back! I want to tell you more!
Date: Yeah, it's really... Powerful.
--Soup'N'Burger, Broadway & Astor
Overheard by: rpk
We Can Stand on the Platform All Night and Pretend We're Waiting for the G
Nineteen-year-old guy: So do you want to try role playing tonight?
Nineteen-year-old girlfriend: What?!
Nineteen-year-old guy: You know, like let's pretend we're from Brooklyn.
--120th & Broadway
Overheard by: Heather V
Someday She'll Just Erupt Like Mount Crackhotoa
Girl: He says that she is his soulmate. Is he fucking kidding me?
Guy: She is a semen-gurgling road whore.
--Subway Inn, 60th St, UES
There's No Magic Like the Sorcery of Proper Accessorizing
Little boy, shouting and grabbing magic wand from his sister: No! I wanna be Hermione! It's my turn to be Hermione!
Little girl: Be Harry! His magic's better!
Little boy: But Hermione's clothes are so much cooler!
--Barnes and Noble, E 86th St
Overheard by: Noel Coward
Tomorrow --Wood-Chippers and Car Trunks!
Student: So how can we use this information to our advantage?
Professor: Well, if you were ever going to kill someone you would want to bury them in wet ground.
Student: Like a swamp?
Professor, with evil grin: A swamp would be ideal.
--Electromagnetics Lecture, Columbia University
Usually I Have No Problem Getting Weed
Man leaving Dunkin Donuts: She tried to sell me donuts!
Wife: Are you sure?
--86th & Lexington
Overheard by: soph
And a Decent Thesis Advisor
Bimbette #1: He's hot.
Bimbette #2: I think he's gross.
Bimbette #1: Why do you think he's gross?
Bimbette #2: Well, he tosses salads. I personally think that's gross. But he's overall a cool guy.
--11th & University
I Figure, If You're Male, Going to Atonement Is Like Waving a Rainbow Flag
Gay guy: I'm going to the movies tonight.
Male friend: Yeah? To see what?
Gay guy: Men.
--Shake Shack, Madison Square Park
Overheard by: Wish I was going, too
I Miss This
Chick: Since we broke up you've been smoking a lot.
Guy: Yeah...
Chick: You shouldn't smoke.
Guy: You shouldn't suck so much dick but you don't hear me criticize you five times a day.
Chick: [Mouth wide open in shock.]
Guy: To start you should try closing your mouth!
--B Train
Overheard by: another now single smoker
Isn't That Sweet?
[Skinny girl takes box of equal out of her pocket and puts half the packages in her coffee.]
Friend: What are you doing? You're going to get cancer!
Equal girl: Yeah, but I won't get fat.
--Starbucks
Now New York Is Laughing
Guy #1: Man, do you think *Jane is hot?
Guy #2: I mean she's smart, but I wouldn't say she's hot. Why do you think she's into you?
Guy #1: Well, I think that she thinks I'm arrogant, but I'm not. It just comes off that way because I'm really insecure, my confidence is all fake.
Guy #3: Hey, I think that girl is listening to us... And she's laughing.
Guy #1: Anyway... Can we please talk about my insecurities for a while, we never talk about me.
--Metro North
Overheard by: texting her friend the whole convo
Game. Set. Match
Guy: You remember those Lycra bicycle shorts?
Friend: No.
Guy: ... From the mid 90s?
Friend: No.
Guy: Well they were really tight.
Friend: Ok.
Guy: I used to wear them when I was younger and be really embarrassed when I got erections in them.
Friend: I used to jerk off with my dad's dirty magazines. I would wrap them around my dick.
--Churchill's
Overheard by: Veggie2001
Her Penis Was Unexpected
Muscular bouncer, to drunk girl: I'll make sure you get in, because you've got that cute little lip ring.
Drunk girl: Want to see what else I've got?
Fat bouncer: I do!
--310 Bowery
Overheard by: Vasu
First-Come, First-Served Is a Pretext for Discrimination!
[A woman creates her own line and walks up to the counter.]
Postal employee: Ma'am, you have to wait in line.
Latino woman: I was in the esspress line.
Postal employee: We don't serve espresso here ma'am, this is the post office.
Latino woman: What? You think I'm stoopid? I have less than ten items.
Postal employee: There is no express line at the post office, please wait in line like the other people.
Latino woman: Oh... I see how it is.
Postal employee: Happy holidays, ma'am.
Latino woman: Fuck you too.
--Post Office, 14th Street & Avenue A
Overheard by: texmorgan
And Sometimes Pre-Mustard
Film professor: What kind of movie causes a bodily reaction?
Student:... Pornography?
Film professor: And what does pornography cause your body to produce?
Student, after long pause: Bodily... fluids?
Film professor: Otherwise known as... Cum!
--Columbia Universtiy
And Never Ride the Subway
Cute nerd girl playing Scrabble #1: How many Ts in frottage?
Cute nerd girl playing Scrabble #2: Frottage? What's that?
Cute nerd girl playing Scrabble #1: It's when you rub against someone in a crowd, sexually. Like dry humping.
Cute nerd girl playing Scrabble #2: Oh yeeeeah, I knew that. Jeez, I haven't heard that word since that Psychology of Sex class I took a few years ago.
Cute nerd girl playing Scrabble #1, enthusiastically: That's because you don't read enough slash!
--Starbucks, 2nd & 9th
Sometimes Even Math Majors Can't Do the Math
Asian guy #1: Hey, would you date a female version of yourself?
Asian guy #2: No way bro, I don't date white bitches.
--Columbia University
The Smiths' First Attempts at Threesome Recruitment Were Quite Bungled
Woman tourist to chick smoking: Can I ask you a question? My husband and I are trying to see who's right...
Chick: Ummmm...
Woman tourist: Where is the Statue of Liberty? I said midtown, but Bob thinks it's uptown.
Chick: It's actually all the way downtown in New York harbor...
Woman tourist, to husband: See Bob, I was right.
Chick: Umm... No... Well, whatever.
--42nd St
Overheard by: Libby
Don't Let a Little Thing Like a Manslaughter Conviction Stand in Your Way
Girl #1: I don't know, I don't really know him that well.
Girl #2: All I'm saying is: he's pretty good-looking and he wants to have sex with you, so just let him already.
--LIRR
Overheard by: Eric
...Anne Frank, Get Your Gun
Dude #1: Do you think it's possible to write a book and then find out it's just like another book?
Dude #2: Yeah... That happened with my musical about the Nazis...
--114th & Broadway
Overheard by: HuntingSnark
Nice to See That Cultural Reference Alive and Kickin'
MTA employee #1: You know, it's thought that the first vampire was actually Lilith...
MTA employee #2: You mean Frasier's wife?
--7 Train
Overheard by: The only other person who got it.
Marge Began to Regret Giving Her Daughter Whiskey As a Baby
Daughter: I was a needle!
Mom: How were you a needle?
Daughter: I was a cute needle!
--10th & 6th Ave
So What's the Going Rate for Hairballing, Anyway?
Drunk dude #1: He has a total hair fetish.
Drunk dude #2: How do you know?
Drunk dude #1: Remember Kathy?
Drunk dude #3: The whore?
Drunk dude #1: Yeah. Well, he asked her how much it'd be to rub her hair on his balls, and she said $50.
--49th & 8th
Overheard by: Jordan
This Picture Book Will Explain
Bimbette, pointing to menu: How do you pronounce this?
Waitress: It's called the "Paul Bunyan".
Bimbette: Is that French?
--High Life Cafe, Upper West Side
Overheard by: EthanK
I Only Care About the Important Things, Like the Size of His Apartment
Girl #1: ... So, do you have a thing for him?
Girl #2: No. I mean he's cute, but he's overweight and doesn't dress that well.
Girl #1: That never stops me!
--1 Train
Overheard by: p9
I Also Love Gravity Bongs and Our Lord Jesus Christ
Boyfriend: This song was in 'Beavis and Butt-head do America'!
Girlfriend: Yeah?
Boyfriend: I love that movie ... And I love you.
--Dunkin Donuts, 26th & 7th
Overheard by: Kai Nagai-Rothe
Leggo My Preggo! Is By Far My Favorite
Student #1: I have a friend who is addicted to pregger porn.
Student #2: What is that?
Student #1: It is watching pregnant women getting fucked in the ass, it's kind of interesting.
--Columbia University
And Her Apparent Clitoral Hypertrophy
Girl: My new roommate gets freaked out by my composting. She's like, why are there egg shells and coffee grounds in this bin?
Boy: She has other things to be more freaked out about, like her mustache.
--B54 Bus
Every Nasty Thing You Say to a Kid Will Come Back to You
[A woman is dragging a five-year-old boy into the women's restroom.]
Boy: I don't want to go in.
Woman: Come on, it'll only take a minute.
Boy: But you can wipe your ass by yourself now!
--Times Square
New York's Onstar Is a Little Lacking in Tact.
Random female tourist: Excuse me, can you tell me which way is the river?
Random angry new yorker: Which one, lady? You're on a fucking island.
--9th & Broadway
Overheard by: Elan
Headline by: Jess
Runners-Up:
· ""Oh, Sorry. I'm Looking For, Um (Reading Guidebook) 'Duh Fuckin' River Wit Dah Steel Bitch Innit'..."" - Mike Chmiel
· "And That Was All Reba Needed For A Good Country Song" - cbeck
· "Generic Tourist 'To Do' List: "Get Insulted by New Yorker: - Check!" - Bassmanbish
· "Shit...Can You Tell Me How to Get to New York Then?" - lisa
· "The Map Crisis in America Doesn't Just Apply to Beauty Pageants" - Erin
Click here to see the new Headline Contest
I Prefer to Think of It As "Orange Alert Level"
Thug #1: I got pain in my legs and arthritis in my balls.
Thug #2: Damn, you fucked, nigga!
Thug #1: That's some category 10 pain!
--White Castle, 36th St & 8th
Overheard by: Only in category three pain
You're Still Only As Safe As Your Lover, Sweetie
Well-meaning volunteer: Help yourself, free condoms from the department of public health.
Hugely pregnant passerby: Too late.
--Grand Central Terminal
Overheard by: Katie
I Thought Your Pump-up Jam Was "If I Could Turn Back Time"?
["Umbrella" by rihanna is being loudly played.]
Stoned gay guy: Oh my god, I love this song. This is totally what you hear before you start shooting kids in the projects.
Gay guy: Uh, excuse me?
Stoned gay guy: Yeah. You know, it's like your pump-up jam.
--E 10th St & 2nd Ave
Overheard by: Dying of laughter
Hell Hath No Fury Like Wednesday One-Liners
Crazy church lady into microphone: There are no drugs, sex, or rock n' roll in hell. Repent and have your fill in heaven.
--42nd & 6th Subway Station
Overheard by: Tony
Train "preacher" holding his bible: Adam was the first black man! And Eve was the first white woman! And Adam sinned and got them kicked out of the Garden of Eden. Then they had a whole lot of brown babies! But they set the stage for black men and white women. That's why you have Barack Obama and Hillary Clinton running for President today! It's in the bible!
--2 Train
Preacher: We've got a lot of tourists here today and we know why you came -you want to see a black gospel church. And that's okay, that's okay! That's what we are. And you know, some of our members, they do it tough. Why, they come from such rough neighbourhoods as Connecticut and upstate New York ...
--Abyssinian Baptist Church, Harlem
Bible thumper: You need a ticket to get on the heaven-bound train! And the ticket is Jesus Christ.
--3 Train
Street preacher: ... And what is good for the goose is good for the gander! And what is a gander, anyway?
--St Mark's Place
Overheard by: EthanK
Clap If You Believe in Wednesday One-Liners
Stagehand: I'm telling you, in my next life I'm gonna be a yeti impersonator, and it's gonna be great!
--Lincoln Center
Curly-haired woman on cell: The gnomes you'll be seeing are among the friendliest, I think.
--Penn Station
Overheard by: Poogins
Crazy hobo, walking down the street: I bought Jesus! I bought Santa Claus! I bought the tooth fairy!
--Parsons, 40th & 7th ave
College girl to friend, pointing at native-american diorama: Oh look, they even have mermaids here! [walks closer and sees mannequin's feet.] Never mind, it's not a mermaid!
--Museum of Natural History
Yuppie mom, to toddler son: You can live on the upper west side and I'll be the tooth fairy!
--Times Square Subway
Overheard by: Lillian
Go Back to Williamsburg, Wednesday One-Liner!
Hipster guy: He wants to write a book about how hipsters are all about being nihilistic and getting lung cancer from oral sex.
--Hop Scotch, Ave A
Hipster guy to girl: It's like, you can't take my identity. I'm a film director, that's who I am. It's like if I was a carpenter, I would make wood. I mean, I would make buildings... You can't just choose to be a carpenter.
--Pepe Rosso's, Sullivan St
Asian hipster chick: You know, when you ask someone what they're doing and they say clearing their head? I don't think you can really do that because when you say you're clearing your head you are really thinking about clearing your head so it isn't clear after all.
--A Train
Overheard by: kate
Über-hipster chick to another: Bitch! Brunch tomorrow or I'll fucking smack that headband right off you!
--8th & Bedford, Brooklyn
Hipster girl: What floor was fluffy on?! What floor was fluffy on?!?!??!
--Hookah Bar, East Village
Overheard by: Marisa
Hipster: It was a mess. I mean, you don't want anarchists at the socialist barbecue. Haven't you ever read Kropotkin?
--125th St
Overheard by: Ali
Nos Morituri Te Wednesday One-Liners
Boat PA: Ladies and gentlemen on the top deck of the boat, please do not stand on the benches. If you fall overboard, you will die in this frigid, freezing water. Thank you, and enjoy your visit to Ellis island.
--Ellis Island Ferry
Overheard by: land lubber
Urban sophisticate: Steve Irwin's death was random. That stingray did not know where his heart was!
--Metropolitan Opera
Overheard by: Opera Onlooker
Male suit to woman suit: So, hopefully you're not the angel of death... Are you?
--53rd & Broadway
Overheard by: S&B
Teen guy to three teenage girls: I'm pretty sure I'm invincible and can't die.
--6th Ave
Overheard by: Justin
Woman on cell: My trip went really well, except for Marilyn's* death and all.
--52nd St & Madison
Overheard by: kinicke
50-something professor: So, then the little girl goes back up into her room where she is reading bible verses while everyone else is in church. Then, she either dies all alone... Like Heath Ledger... Or she kills herself. We just don't know.
--Barnard College
Wednesday One-Liners Will Hold Them Open with a Baby, If Need Be
Conductor: Ladies and gentlemen, I'd like to take this time to remind you all that there are four doors on this subway. Four doors. So when you're waiting to board or exit the train and everyone is crowded around one door, just remember that there are four doors. Say it with me now... One... Two... Three... Four... Very good. The magic number for today is four.
--E train
Conductor, to guy trying to hold the doors open at the station: Sir, this is not your train. I repeat, this is not your train.
--1 Train
Overheard by: Firestarter
Conductor: People, this is not an "I think I can" moment! Please stand clear of the closing doors!
--1 train
Overheard by: anna
Female conductor on 3 train, when doors don't close: In the rear, whatever you have hanging out, pull it in!
--3 Train
Overheard by: J-Mo
Train conductor, to someone blocking the doors: Sure, whenever you're ready, we'll move this train out of the station.
--Downtown A Train
Overheard by: Murtwah
Conductor: Please stand clear the closing doors. [beep, doors close. Then they open again]. Please stand clear the closing doors. [beep again, doors close. Then they open again]. Please stand clear the closing doors. [beep again, doors close. Then they open again.] Get yo' foot out a de do' foo'!
--1 Train
Overheard by: Nick
I Wanna Dip My Wednesday One-Liners in It!
Dude, walking up to security desk in emergency room: Hi. It feels like my balls are about to fall off.
--St. Lukes Roosevelt Hospital
Overheard by: Kate Melvin
Stoner chick: The girls are all hairy balls, and the photos look like hairy balls, and they wear hairy ball sacks, but Tyra is the biggest hairy ball of them all.
--7 train
Overheard by: bronwyn
Out-of-place guido: I ain't wearing nothin' that touches my balls to my asshole!
--8th Ave
Overheard by: finds it comforting
Teenage boy to friends, about a movie: Yooo, it's like a chick flick with balls!!! You know, like a guy's chick flick!!!"
--E 85th St & 3rd Ave
Guy: I use Burt's bees for my balls.
--Broadway & W 4th
Overheard by: Jake R
Guy #1 to guy #2: I really think you'd feel a lot better if you felt my balls.
--6th Ave & Bleecker
Wednesday One-Liners Choo-Choo-Choose You
Conductor: Attention downtown passengers. The train that just left the station was obviously not your train.
--6 Train
Woman on cell: Hey, it's the MTA who should be spanked!
--Rector St.
Overheard by: Ladle
Small girl to mom: I like this train station the best because it has an elevator, and you can see the whole world outside. The whole wide beautiful world.
--Harlem Escalator, 1 Train
Overheard by: Mark Brinker
Guy: I get all my information from subway ads.
--F Train
Overheard by: Thom Cohen
Woman, hearing garbled announcement that E train is running as an F: No! They are takin' all my E trains!
--E Train
Overheard by: I can has E train?
Crackhead: Make sure to take your newspapers with you on the way out of the train. I'm having company over later and I want it to look nice.
--Franklin Avenue Shuttle
Overheard by: shuttle rider
Wednesday One-Liners Are No Longer Considered a Planet
Girl, to boyfriend: And that's why you can never trust the emotions or actions of someone whose star sign is ruled by mars.
--20th & 7th
Overheard by: ALR
Barista to waiter: I don't mind that I spent $130 on a pair of Oakleys cause I can look at the sun for a while and it won't hurt my eyes.
--Long Island Railroad
Overheard by: Chris K.
Baby boomer hippie to college student: Dude, I just got me some of that Afghani shit. Took me to the mooooooon and back, baby!
--Washington Square
Overheard by: Summer
Doonesbury looking dude: Imagine what life would be like without the sun.
--40th & Park Ave
Overheard by: Ledbetter
Girl, being shaken awake by friend: But Rachel, where are you going to put the black hole?
--A Train
Bum on street, to several protesters passing by in pure white bio-hazard suits: Aw... You people wait right there, I'm a run and get some cigarettes then I'm comin' to the moon with ya'll. Seriously... Wait.
--45 & 7th Ave
Overheard by: Comack
These Wednesday One-Liners Have Wings
Queer, as someone is trying to push through the crowd: Throw menstrual blood at him! That's the one thing girls can do to get back at guys! Throw menstrual blood at him!
--Roseland Ballroom
Dad to pre-teen daughter about mom: She is on the rag today. Don't talk to her this moringing, she's got an attitude.
--R Train
Girl: I have sexed my period away too!
--Bowery
Businesswoman: So yeah, it still really hurts. I guess it's cause I got my period last night... [Sees a disgusted look on a male suit's face.] Blood! Blood! Raaar!
--Wall Street
Overheard by: Withnail
Wednesday One-Liners Are Between Jobs
Homeless man, to toddler: Can I get a high-five?
[Toddler high-fives homeless man.]
Homeless man: Can I get a dollar?
--D Train
Overheard by: sara
Shivering bum: Yo, can you guys help me out? Otherwise I'm gonna sing a song and I don't wanna hurt your ears.
--N 7th & Bedford
Black homeless man: Excuse me... Can anyone help a broke nigga get his eat on?
--6 Train
Bum: Dollar for your favorite bum?
--Lafayette & E. 4th St
Bum, approaching another bum standing in the only two square feet of sunlit space for many blocks: Yeahh! You found the spot!
--Financial District
Overheard by: nunya
Homeless man: Hello, everyone. My name is Mike*, and I'm homeless and starving. If you have any- [His cell phone rings.] Excuse me. [Picks up phone.] I'm working, man, what's up?
--Q Train
Who Let the Wednesday One-Liners Out?
Queer, to his German Shepherd: Steven, don't play these mind games with me!
--23rd & 8th
Man, restraining his dog from following another dog across the street: C'mon, buddy. It wasn't meant to be.
--6th St & 7th Ave, Park Slope
Woman dragging her dog away from another dog who is barking frantically: You know what? You're just cuter than her. That's why she's so upset.
--Ditmars Blvd, Astoria
Overheard by: sara n.
Cop to his whining German Shepherd: Awww, what's wrong baby? Did you see an asshole?
--West 4th Station
Wednesday One-Liners Swore They'd Never Become Like Their Parents
Dad to young daughter: If you want to hit daddy, you'll have to take a number.
--Outside Court St. Bagels, Court & Bergen, Cobble Hill, Brooklyn
Exhausted dad to loud, hyperactive, young son: Yes, everyone knows you're here. Terminal six food court line.
--JFK
Overheard by: Jen
Mother, to seven-year-old son as she enters a liquor store: Jesus, what's wrong with you? This is why nobody likes you -you're annoying!
--Outside Liquor Store, W 57th St
Overheard by: PetRunner
Father quizzically looking at waddling toddler: How can you be anti-park? I mean, you're a kid! You can run around!
--Fort Greene Park
Overheard by: Brooklyn Dodgy
Sassy inner-city mom to dawdling daughter: Get ovah here or I'm going to have to take out my imaginary belt.
--Tompkins Square Park
Mother, to five-year-old daughter picking up cookies: Is that what you eat at daddy's house?
--The Food Emporium, 88th St
Overheard by: charlotte
Mother speaking sternly to her infant in the baby carriage: Capiche???
--53rd & 9th
Overheard by: AH Hell's Kitchen
Anybody Have a Non-Sexual Idea What "It" Is? Didn't Think So
Tisch guy #1: I haven't used it yet, how is it?
Tisch guy #2: It's so cool, you can use it on a guy or a girl. The results are great.
Tisch girl: Ooooh! You can use it on a girl, I never even thought to try that.
--Washington Square Park
Overheard by: yakyak
The Same People Who Read Nicholas Sparks?
Poet, selling books: All of these books are signed, and when I go on Oprah, you can sell them on eBay!
Passenger: Let's hear a poem then!
Poet: You wanna hear a poem? "Neighbor's dog leaving feces on the sidewalk. Squish! Damn. Luck stinks."
Old man, mumbling: Who wants to read that kind of bullshit?
--6 Train
No --Why Would He Be Afraid Of Santa?
Girl: I don't think he is mature enough for me.
Guy: He doesn't wear pants! And you know, if he's claustrophobic putting his legs into pants... You see where I'm going with this?
--Broadway & 49th
Other Cities Just Say They're the Greatest in the World
Frat tourist guy: Hey! I just hailed a New York City cab!
New Yorker, jumping into cab: I just stole your cab!
--Bleecker & Hudson
Overheard by: sean
Just Discreetly Poison Yourself at Home Like a Lady
NYU girl #1: ... Like those people who kill themselves by throwing themselves onto the subway tracks.
NYU girl #2: Yeah, right? I mean, I know you want to die and everything, but could you like not make me late??
--NYU Bus
Overheard by: wow
But They All Watched Me Eat It, Which Was Weird
Girl: So I went over to their place and it was a bunch of super-flowery lesbians watching high school musical.
Guy: That sounds interesting.
Girl: Yeah, then they made me pork and beans, which was nice.
--M15 Bus
Like, Sleeping-with-Men Disgusting
Lesbian #1: Let's have seven babies and open an organic bakery in Vermont.
Lesbian #2: That sounds disgusting.
--Williamsburg
Wait 'Til You Get Lost in Tokyo, Smart Guy
Asian tourist with map out, blocking walking crowd: Excuse me, I'm looking for Houston street...
Suit, with high-pitched sarcasm: Really? [He keeps walking.]
--Houston & Broadway
Overheard by: a
...Cowboy
Pretentious hipster: So where are you ethnically from?
Indian girl: India.
Pretentious hipster: Well, I know that, but are you from Bangladesh, Pakistan, or India?
Indian girl: India.
Pretentious hipster: Ohhh, you're Native American.
Indian girl: I'll take that drink now.
--Welcome to the Johnsons Bar, Lower East Side
Overheard by: blondie
Or Perhaps That's After I Cut You and Take Your Wallet
Psychic: So, what's your major?
Girl: Biomedical engineering.
Psychic, thinking hard: I see you... Working in the medical field... With doctors and nurses perhaps...
--The Village
Overheard by: Wow, she was onto something...
Mom and Mom Set the Bar Pretty High
Nanny: You have to try not to bump into people and they will do the same.
Little girl, swerving: How?
Nanny: You need to try to walk in a straight line.
Little girl, shocked: But I don't want to be straight!
--Washington Square Park
Damn, It Felt Good to Get That Off My Chest
Big black man: It's ok, I'm not a gangsta!
Nerdy white kid: Neither am I!
--Times Square
She Once Mistook Me for a Toaster
Mother: Oh, guess what, honey? Debbie's having a baby!
Six-year-old daughter: She's going to be a horrible mother.
--The Met
From An Ecstasy-Lover's Guide to New York City
Tourist #1: Guys... The floor is sparkling!
Tourist #2: Ooooooooooh!!!
--Times Square
*Raises Hand*
Customer: Yeah, can I get one for the movie where the girl's vagina has teeth?
Box office cashier: Sorry, sir, this show's sold out. The next one's at 8:25.
Customer: Sold out? How many people actually want to see a movie where a girl's vagina has teeth?
--City Cinemas, 12th St & 2nd Ave
Overheard by: SplendidConfusion
I Particularly Like the One in Which Sigmund Freud Defeated the Three-Headed Dog
College girl #1: If you believe in any god, you should really resepct all other religions, like mythology gods and shit too!
College girl #2: Who can believe mythology?! That stuff was written like, a hundred years ago!
--TGI Fridays, Times Square
Overheard by: m spot
He's Willem Dafoe Scary
Girl #1, about a professor: Is he scary?
Girl #2: Yeah, but I can totally see myself making out with him.
--NYU Dorm
Overheard by: bling bling
So...Irish?
Respectably sober hipster: So, I'm interested, what is your ethnicity?
Inebriated Asian girl: Actually, I'm drunk!
--The Levee, N3 & Berry
Overheard by: zp
"Two Girls, One Envelope" Debuts on YouTube
Girl #1: So, we left the bar in a taxi and I had to go to the bathroom real bad.
Girl #2: What did you do?
Girl #1: There was an envelope in the cab, so I used it. Yes that was the time I pooped in an envelope in a taxi!
--2nd Ave Bus
No Alien Abductions for Me, Thank You
Eight-year old #1: Did you know that when you turn 40 they stick gel up your butt?
Eight-year old #2: No way! Gross!
--R Train
We're Just Thankful It Wasn't Another Auschwitz Joke
Douchebag trying to get on an over-crowded train: Move in!
Annoyed lady: There's no more room!
Glib red-headed chick: It's a subway, not a clown car!
--4 Train
I Bet She Had Some 'Splaining to Do
Columbia guy: So then Caroline* decided to take all of his valuables and hide them in the back room, to make it look like he'd been robbed. When he came home he, like, *freaked out* and called 911.
Columbia chick: That's hilarious!
--114th & Broadway
Overheard by: Ein Ladle
Headline by: Mikey G.
Runners-Up:
· "And After He Killed Her, He Pretended to Do CPR!" - JesusFreak
· "And She Didn't Check the Psycho Box on Match.com" - digruntled internet dater
· "He Didn't Like His Anal Rape-Themed Surprise Birthday Party Either..." - Beartram
· "I Bet the "Just Kidding Your Place Wasn't Robbed Sex" Was Awesome, Too." - anonmouse
· "Turns Out There's No Spot For "Masculinity" on Insurance Claim Forms" - Jamie
Click here to see the new Headline Contest
And Play Boggle 'Til at Least Ten O'Clock!
Tourist #1: Last night I wasn't really wild. I really want to be wild tonight.
Tourist #2: Last night you weren't wild? I would actually be a little scared to see you go really wild, then.
Tourist #1: Well tonight I'm going to be really crazy. Tonight I'm going to wear my yellow dress!
--Eugene O'Neill Theatre
Wasn't There Some Kind Of Angel with a Turkey Baster?
Teen girl: You know what I don't get?
Preppy friend: What?
Teen girl: If Mary was a virgin, how did she get pregnant?
Preppy friend: Uh...I think a white dove came down and landed on her.
Teen girl: ... And where did it land?
Preppy friend: On her shoulder.
Teen girl: So a dove--
Preppy friend: A white dove. Impregnated mary on her shoulder. Yeah.
Teen girl: Who told you that?
Preppy friend: Sara, in Geometry.
Teen girl: ... Sara is Jewish, you idiot!
--McDonald's, Park Ave
I Love Musical Chairs!
Teenager #1: Yo, we gotta do that thang again.
Teenager #2: What thing?
Teenager #1: Yo remember that time we was with Angie, me and you?
Teenager #2: Oh yeah son, that was crazy.
Teenager #1: Yeah, I felt your dick on my butt, son!
--B60 Bus
So, Partial Credit
Professor: So your answer is "Yes"?
Student: Yes.
Professor: Ok. Well, let me tell you that the shorter and more accurate answer is "No".
--Vanderbilt Hall, NYU
Overheard by: don cheetah
But My Skin Is Dry Today
Hipster chick: Oh! Thanks for carrying my bag!
Hipster guy: No problem. I'll just masturbate on your face later.
Hipster chick, laughing: Well, I didn't want to say it in public...
--Deli, 9th St & 2nd Ave
Overheard by: didn't want to know that
I Think I Love You
Woman: Hey! Hey! I know who started the fight! You wanna know?!
Cop: Yeah, sure.
Woman: Actually, I don't know. Hahaha. I'm going home right now to watch porn, I don't even care! Haha.
Cop: Wow.
--Broad and Bay, Staten Island
Overheard by: Brandi
Someone Who's Willing to Go Beyond "It's Complicated"
NYU girl to friend: So then he like bitched me out, hardcore, in a text. And he didn't talk to me for like a day so I was just like, "Ugh, whatever." But then he ended our relationship on facebook! And I was just like, "Oh my god!" I need someone who's mature, y'know?
Friend: Oh... Yeah. Totally.
--NYU
Overheard by: Clook
Did I Get the Job, at Least?
Chick: My tongue was in somebody's ass? Whose ass?
Dude: I dunno. That's just what they said...
--92nd & 3rd, Brooklyn
Overheard by: BillyBlog
I Think I Need to Sit Down
Suit #1: I once saw a midget with a mullet at the Kentucky Derby.
Suit #2: Wow.
--24th St & Park Ave
Overheard by: ty
And Take Off Those Pleather Jackets --You're Embarassing Me
Little girl: Daddy, what's that building?
Harried dad: The Goldman-Sachs building, I think, in Jersey City.
Little boy: What town is that on top of the hill?
Harried dad: Union city.
Little girl: What are they building there?
Harried dad: Condos. Jesus, will you two turn around? I didn't pay $45 for you to look at New Jersey.
--NY Waterway Ferry
Overheard by: Atlantic13
You Know Those Girls Who Just Make Shit Up About People?
Young girl playing with blocks at a doctor's waiting room: And my teacher is mad gay. Mad gay.
Mother: Why do you say that?
Young girl: He just is. And like, whatever. I don't care about gay people, but like I don't want a gay teacher. And what's even worse: He's a virgin.
Mother: Lot's of people are virgins, sweetie.
Young girl: Whatever, that's just pathetic.
--Coney Island Ave, Brooklyn
You Want to Run Into Joey from Blossom?
Girl: So, what do you want to do?
Tourist guy: I want to meet a famous person!
Guy: I'm sure we can get some tickets to MTV or something.
Tourist guy: No, I wanna see them on the street and be like "Hey. You!" and have them turn around and be like "*gasp* Woah" and I'd be like "Woah".
--1 Train
Overheard by: teehee
Another Fucking Book-Reader
Professor #1: Some fucking student requested we read the book in the class.
Professor #2: That's mad twisted, yo.
--Barnes & Noble, Court and Schermerhorn, Brooklyn
Overheard by: Ladle
They Might Accidentally See Their Reflection
Skeevy vendor to girl purchasing sunglasses: Here, I polish for you.
Girl: Oh, thank you.
Skeevy vendor: You pretty girl. I polish for you. For ugly girls -never.
--St Mark's Place
Overheard by: Mariah
Dear Mr. Warming, I Believe in You. Love, Amy
Six-year-old girl #1: I'm going to write them a very stern letter about this!
Six-year-old girl #2: Who?
Six-year-old girl #1: Global warming!
Six-year-old girl #2: Global warming's not a person, fart-face.
--Court & Degraw St, Brooklyn
Overheard by: Global Warming, the person
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