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Should We Just Resolve This in Some Green Jello?
Chick #1: Give me your hand!
Chick #2: Give me your nipple!
Chick #1: Give me your hand!
Chick #2: Give me your nipple!
--Mott & Spring
Overheard by: Wondering what she wants the nipple for...
Candy Is Dandy; To Lick Her Is Quicker
Girl #1: I think Inna still gets a little embarrassed when we have sexy-time.
Girl #2: Do you think that deep in her heart she is not a lesbian?
Girl #1: I dunno... But--
Girl #2: Remember the twizzler incident! The twizzler incident!
--Stuyvesant High School
Overheard by: Penneh
Why You Always See Babies Driving Sports Cars
College meathead #1: You don't think generally the size of the person is the size of the dick?
College meathead #2: Nah, I mean how could you prove that?
College meathead #3: Dude, why do you think babies' dicks are so small?
--Fordham University
Overheard by: sromeo
New Yorkers Are Entertainers First
Kid #1: They be profiling us, though! Did you see the way the cops came directly up to us?
Kid #2: Calm down, peoples is lookin' at us.
Kid #1: That shit pisses me off though! They think we all just smoke weed and sell drugs!
Kid #2: But that's all we ever do, smoke week and sell drugs!
[Kids laugh, onlookers try not to].
--1 Train
Overheard by: Fet
...Toasting Him at Other Bars
Man on barstool: I want to toast my friend who passed away.
Bartender, as he slides glass to man: Oh geez, sorry to hear that. When did he die?
Man: Four years ago.
Bartender: Four years ago... And you are just now...
Man: I've been busy.
--3rd Ave Bar, near 37th
Overheard by: Paul
We're Sure There's a "Brazilian Rainforest" Joke in Here Somewhere
Student #1: She's from the Dominican Republic, right?
Student #2: Um, yeah, I think so.
Student #1: Is she classy...?
Student #2: Eh, not really, no. At the meeting the other day, she was wearing a skirt. I could see her cooch.
Student #3: [Just joining the conversation] What's a cooch?
[Silence.]
Student #1: Her vagina.
Student #2: Her forest. Except it was barren. There were no trees. Barren.
--Columbia University
Nina Was Happy 'til Pinta and Santa Maria Sailed Into the Party
Guy: Where did everyone go?
Girl: They're all in the bedroom looking at Nina's breasts.
Guy: Again? Well, I guess it's not really a party until Nina's boobs make an appearance.
Loud girl's voice from bedroom: Oh my god, Nina, your nipples are perfect!
--East Village
And Tell That Neptune Adoption Agency I Want My Money Back
Mother to young son: Get down from there. Walk down the stairs like a human being!
Son: I'm not a... I'm a alien.
Mother: Fine then. Maybe we'll just leave you here... In your natural habitat.
--Central Park
Overheard by: Jordan Leyton-Mange
You're Not Getting Any Warmer, Dude
Drunk guy: Where are you from, man?
Random guy: Arizona.
Drunk guy: Arizona... Arizona, Nevada?
Random guy: No... Arizona, Arizona.
Drunk guy: Oh, but... Nevada is a section of Arizona right?
Random guy: No. Nevada is Nevada.
Drunk guy: I've been to Wisconsin.
--E Train
Overheard by: Noble Robinette
In the Realm of the Faceless, the Ugly Girl Is Queen
Schoolgirl #1: You know that girl in our global class?
Schoolgirl #2: The one with the face.
Schoolgirl #1: Yeah!
--Outside of Murry Bergatrum High School
And the Indoor Fireworks?
Guy in Christmas sweater: I just got renters insurance.
Friend: Congratulations! Just in time for Chinese new year!
--Sweet & Vicious
...But Okay
20-something chick: Besame!
Boyfriend: Piss on me? Really?
20-something chick: No! Besame! It means "Kiss me" in Spanish!
Boyfriend: Oh. Can I do both?
20-something chick: If you were bilingual we wouldn't have this problem.
--Penn Station
Overheard by: Vicksburg
I'm Confident No Known Terrorist Has a Chance
Lady #1: Osama doesn't have a chance to win the election.
Lady #2: Osama? Don't you mean Barack Obama?
Lady #1: No, not him.
--5 Train
Overheard by: E-Stuff
If It's Not in English It Doesn't Count
Really tall white guy: Dude! Chinatown is awesome! I accidentally elbowed a woman in the face, and she didn't even say anything!
Asian friend: What?!
--Mulberry & Bayard
I Only Plan to Have a Little Bit of a Baby
Drunk girl #1: Maybe it's time for you to go home and take care of your baby.
Drunk girl #2: I am only a little bit pregnant.
--Dorrian's, 84th & 2nd
When Amy Doesn't Understand Something, She Faints
Columbia professor [having just explained a relatively simple concept, turning to girl in front]: Do you understand this?
Girl: Yes.
Professor: Good. Because, you know, you're really the canary in the coal mine for this class. If I can get you to get this, I'm set.
--Columbia University
Overheard by: Bobby
Don't Trust Anybody over Fifty
Customer: How much are money orders here?
Teller: Well, I see that you are over the age of fifty so it'll be free for you.
Customer: Ok, so can I have a money order for $260?
Teller: Ok, so do you want to pay that in cash or withdraw from your account?
Customer: Excuse me?
Teller: How do you want to provide the funds for the money order?
Customer: I thought you said it was free.
Teller: There is no fee for the money order but you still need to provide the funds for it.
Customer: Oh, well you should have made that clear.
Teller: Wow, I'm sorry.
--Commerce Bank, Jackson Heights
Overheard by: E
A Thousand Pardons, Your Ladyship
English teacher: So, have you ever gone with your class to The Met?
Bimbette art student: I don't do things.
--Pratt Institute
Overheard by: traPt (ashamed to be an art student)
You May Need to Exfoliate and Moisturize
Teenage girl #1: Ew, I have such bad dandruff. I need to like get rid of it because I can never wear black.
Teenage girl #2: Ew I know, me too! Except I have crotch dandruff.
Teenage girl #1: Umm... What's that?
Teenage girl #2: I don't know but every time I scratch my crotch it looks like it's snowing.
--A Train
Overheard by: Does that mean she can't wear black pants?
But Almost to the End of the Block
Woman: Okay, follow me.
Man: I would follow you to the ends of... Um...
Woman: The earth?
Man: Uh, not that far.
--44th & Madison
Overheard by: donz
So She Wouldn't Have a Lot to Live Up To
Girl: So do you have any kids?
Guy: No, but if I had a daughter I'd name her Kayla.
Girl: I know a Kayla. She's a fucking crazy bitch.
--West 4th & 6th Ave
Or Some Strategic Bribery
Passenger, to MTA workers: Excuse me, but does this train stop at 33rd street?
MTA worker #1: With a hope and a prayer.
MTA worker #2: Isn't that right! Hahaha.
--6 Train
Overheard by: honeybudur
Today It's a Different Sort of Famine That Drives Irish Immigration
Man, to short man with red hair: What's at the end of the rainbow?
Red-haired man, with Irish accent: Why, it's a bag of hos!
--56th & 3rd
Ahem --That's "Womyn"
Gangsta #1: ... And then these bitches...
Gangsta #2: Wo-men. Nigga, they're women!
--26th & 8th
And Is It Just Me or Does Her Tail Look Fat?
Middle-aged woman with dog, pointing at French bulldog in the distance: Look -is that puddin'?
Friend: I hate puddin'. She always wins the costume contest.
Woman: Yeah. I mean, what was it this year? Raggedy Ann? Please.
--Ft. Tryon Dog Park
The Law School Is Right around the Corner
Mother, to young son running up steps: Come back down!
[Boy sits down on top step.]
Mother: We can go look for some worms!
[Boy thinks for a minute.]
Boy: Ok! [goes back down.]
--Columbia University
He Got Down on One Knee and Offered Me a Cock-Ring
New Yorker: So, having a romantic evening in New York?
Tourist: Yeah... I went sex toy shopping last night.
--Columbia University
Overheard by: laughing awkwardly
A Man Who's Tall in the Saddle Has a Long Way to Fall
Hipster girl #1: Yeah, after he got up I told him it would probably be better to look at the girl he's having sex with next time.
Hipster girl #2: Good life lesson.
--Wilburg Café
Well, You're in Queens --So You Exist But You Don't Matter
Older woman, trying to navigate through the crowded corner: Excuse me!
Younger woman: Who are you talking to? I don't exist. [Laughs.]
--Main & Rosevelt, Flushing
And the Odds Are One in Four She'll Have an STD by Fifteen
Mid-western mother to suit crossing against light: Excuse me, sir?
Suit, in mid-intersection: Yes?
Mother: You're setting a bad example for my daughter -crossing against the light.
Suit, continuing on his way: Yes, I am.
--45th & 5th
Since I Went Into the Bathroom and Adjusted
Columbia guy #1: Dude, how's your Gestalt?
Columbia guy #2: My Gestalt is in an excellent place right now.
--Dining Hall, Barnard College
New York Ensures That April Is the Cruelest Month
Female conductor: Ladies and gentlemen, we are stopped here due to congestion ahead. We should be moving shortly. [2-3 minutes later.] Ladies and gentlemen, due to a malfunctioning signal, everyone will need to get off the train, take the 4 back up to 149 St Grand Concourse and take the 2 train downtown.
Train riders: [Groan.]
Conductor: April fools! Stand clear of the closing doors.
--4 Train
Overheard by: Mike T
I Suppose You Prefer "Meteorologist"
Kid to friends: I swear I know that dude. [To dude.] Hey, you're the weather man!
Anderson Cooper, offended: No!
--1 Train
Overheard by: bite my lip
She Is So Going To Regret Being Named Scat Now
Twentysomething woman to friends: Yeah, I was thinking I should really google myself too, so I can finally like...
Friend: See what you do?
Twentysomething woman: Yeah!
--122nd, between Broadway and Amsterdam
Overheard by: amarg
Headline by: Del
Runners-Up:
· "Debbie From Dallas Will Be in For a Shock..." - BareNakedLady
· "Google: Solving Existential Crises Since 1998" - Ely Henry
· "Put a Towel Down First" - Kevin P
· "Stacy Finds Out What All Those Little Blinking Red Lights in Her Boyfriend's Bedroom Were All About." - danielle
· "Vanity, Thy Name Is Google!" - fester60613
Click here to see the new Headline Contest
Great! ...Same Time Tomorrow?
Fat crackhead woman: Where you been?
Well dressed businessman: Around... Where you been?
Fat crackhead woman: Lockup!
--Starbucks, Harlem
Overheard by: Ryan J
The Birth of the Hair Gel Diet --and You Are There!
Teen girl #1: Man... I really need some hair gel.
Teen girl #2: This morning, my mom told me I was too fat to go to prom.
--Bathroom, Stuyvesant High School
Overheard by: thivnav
In Our Experience, It's the Length of the Fingers in Relation to the Palm.
Party girl #1: My hands have always been the biggest of the group.
Party girl #2: Yea... So?
Party girl #1: If I had a wiener it would be huge.
--2 Train
Overheard by: Rich
Won't Somebody Please Think of the Wednesday One-Liners?
Little boy: But I was really excited for her to get a hernia!
--35th & 6th
Overheard by: alix
Eleven-year-old boy, to classmate that he just hit with a ball representing "responsibility": Oooooooo!!! You just got pounded in the face with responsibility!!!
--Bushwick, Brooklyn
Overheard by: Their Proud Counselor
Ten-year-old girl, about figures: Why do they all have to be boys?
--Bodies: The Exhibition, South Street Seaport
Overheard by: Robert
Young child crossing the street while holding his mothers hand: [Singing] Please... Don't... Enter me.
--70th St & Columbus
Little boy: It's not illegal to jiggle.
--6th & 17th
Preschooler to daddy: Can I get that three hundred dollars now?
--UES
Wednesday One-Liners Spin Fat into Muscle
African man, yelling into cell: I am not riding a bike! I'm not a machine! I'm not a machine! I'm not a wheel!
--W 23rd St
Overheard by: I'm a train!
Loud chick on cell: So I told him he's gotta do some exercises or something to keep up with me. I mean, he doesn't do any foreplay or anything, just climbs his fat ass on top of me...
--37th & Broadway
Guy on phone at sandwich shop: How am I? Well, that's a complicated quesion -do you mean right now, or in general? Because right now, Lisa's got a really bad cold and is all set up on the couch and I just got back from a eulogy for a friend's pop. So now I'm getting a coffee and then I plan on riding the bicycle at the gym -'cause that's the closest I can get to heroin. How are you?
--85th & Columbus Ave
Lady, to marathon wheelchair participants: Don't just sit there, go go go!
--99th & 5th, NYC Marathon
Grown woman, clapping and bouncing up and down: Yaaaaaaay, I get to go on the slide!
--76th & York
Ten-year-old girl leaving the midnight showing of Harry Potter: Ugh. I am never working out again!
--68th & Broadway
Overheard by: Sarah Booz
Thank God the Wednesday One-Liners' Strike Is Over
Chick on cell: We can't let Blair and Tootie control our lives!
--LIRR
Overheard by: Poogins
Homeless crazy black guy to three scared white girls in their twenties: Time is crazy. Oh man, what time is "Desperate Housewives" on?!
--10th Street & 3rd Ave
Large latino: Yo, it was so good last night, I mean I can't believe you missed it. It was the best episode I've seen yet, seriously bro... Well the main thing that happened was Heidi tried to apologize to LC and she was all like: "I wanna forget you!" I was like: "Whaaaaaat? For real?" It was crazy, you gotta catch it!
--Times Square Office Building
Overheard by: SUSAN
Redhead: The "Brady Bunch" world is a world without urges.
--Veniero's, 11th St between 1st & 2nd
Overheard by: Ursula & Winifred
Muscular guy: He comes up to me talking all this shit, saying that he'll bring it. Bring what? He's not gangsta like I am, he ain't thug like me. Skinny motherfucka looks like a damn burnt-out Screech.
--On the Bus
Fulsome girl with bad dye job: I'm like: "I watch 'Law and Order: SVU', I'm not getting in your van."
--15th between 6th and 7th
Overheard by: Disunionsquare
Aries Spears, in line for an Ashlee Simpson autograph: I'm the black guy from MADtv! [Grabs a random girl's camera and snaps a picture of them together and walks away.]
--Virgin Mobile Mega Store, Times Square
Omagah, It's Wednesday One-Liners!
Gay man with a completely serious tone: It is going to take a lot of brownie mix and a lot of sex -but I am committed.
--W 52nd & 9th
Overheard by: I wish I knew what they were speaking about
Queer: Well kids, it's been great, but I gotta go. I have a meeting in a little bit and I want to masturbate first.
--Wagner College Dinning Hall
Queer: Anyone can just leave. It takes a true queen to make an exit.
--Christopher Street
Overheard by: Rose Fox
Queer: And then I was so glad I miscarried because getting knocked up and being pregnant is like, such a hassle!
--Sarah Lawrence College
Overheard by: bitterfame
Gay guy on cell: So wait, you got kicked out because a couple of bitchy fags sprayed you with alcohol?
--23rd & 7th
Black queer: My pillow is Gucci! Raaaaaah! [He beings to attack people with said Gucci pillow.]
--Pillow Fight, Union Square
Overheard by: Lillian
Old large gay man to group of young gays: It was really great meeting you all. You are such an interesting group of people. [To one boy.] I'd love to see you in a speedo!
--Hollywood Diner, 17th St & 6th Ave
Wednesday One-Liners Can't Carry a Tune in a Bucket
Bum walking dog, singing: Tired of looking for love in all the wrong places, ejaculating on all the wrong faces...
--72nd St & Columbus
Overheard by: Asset
Drugged-up guy singing a song to girls on subway platform, to the tune of "Earth Angel": Earth angel, earth angel, would you be mine? Earth angel, earth angel, would someone loan me money so I can bribe her to take me hoooome...
--Union Square Platform
Overheard by: Thankfully not an earth angel
Cop #1, singing to cop #2: Look at me, I'm Sandra Dee..!
--6th Ave & Waverly
Overheard by: Jatmos
Blind panhandler, singing: Can't take my eyes off of you...
--R Train
Young hobo, singing: Gimme some money, bitch, I need a fuckin' pen, so I can write a sign...
--St Mark's Place
Greyhound bus driver: We're pulling up to Port Authority now. [Sings] My Greyhound brings all the boys to the yard, and they're like, it's better than yours, damn right, it's better than yours, I can teach you, but I have to charge. La la la la la- New York City! La la la la la -almost there.
--Geyhound, Port Authority
Overheard by: carly, gina, and jenna
Wednesday One-Liners Strike Hard and Fade Away Without a Trace
Undergrad: Ninjas, see. You can't creep up on them. You can't creep up on them because actually they're creeping up on you. And the person you're creeping up on is actually a mendicant.
--Fordham University, Lincoln Center
Overheard by: pumpkin
Teen girl to friend: No one knows about Staten Island. It's like the ninja island.
--Notre Dame Academy, Staten Island
Overheard by: Green Star
Young lady suit on cell: Want to know what I learned today? Okay, you know how I really hate those rolling briefcases because they fucking ninja you while you're walking? Well, today I learned that it's really hard to be angry about a rolling briefcase when it's being pulled by a genuine midget. It's like watching a pony pull a cart. It's adorable!
--Penn Station
Overheard by: she wasn't too tall herself...
Geeky girl: They should really make a video game about a ninja doing the dishes. That shit would be dope.
--Flatiron District
Why Did the Wednesday One-Liners Cross the Road?
Running jaywalker: The worst car to get hit by is a Mini Cooper!
--University & 10th St
Overheard by: Knows trucks that beg to differ
Old man crossing the street, on cell: I'm crossing the fucking street!
--42nd & Broadway
Guy wearing yarmulke, to friend: Hey, watch out! Just because you're Jewish doesn't mean cars won't run you over.
--Columbus Circle
Tourist suit to other suit: New Yorkers are so rude. Just wait till you see how they all cross the street at red lights!
--Metro North Train to Grand Central
Overheard by: Courtney Messer
Cop on loudspeaker, to Asian bimbo tourist trying to walk down the middle of Canal St: Sidewalks are open to the public. Please use them.
--Canal Street
Overheard by: F Tourists
[Two cops are waiting at the light. A woman jaywalks and almost gets hit by a car.]
Male cop: Phew! That would have been a lot of paper work.
--44th & Broadway
Overheard by: Aimee
Send in the Wednesday One-Liners
Ghetto kid at a carnival: Man, that wasn't no clown. That was just someone dressed like a clown!
--P.S. 218, The Bronx
Overheard by: Children are the future
Fourteen-year-old black girl to friend: You should have thrown a brick at a clown and seen the blood. You would have loved that.
--7th Ave Street Fair, Park Slope
Overheard by: send in the clowns
Little girl, pointing at obvious pimp: Look mommy, look! A clown!
--Brooklyn
Janitor to clown post-show: Everybody loves clowns. Even Bill Gates!
--Barnum & Bailey Circus
Slightly crazed looking man to well-dressed blonde chick: For $300 you'll get a clown and a playboy bunny!
--E4th & 2nd Ave
Overheard by: I might consider paying up