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Now-- Who Wants to Give Us Shit for Striking?
Conductor: [Steps out of the booth.] People, let me tell you about the day I've been having. Hold on. [Makes an announcement and steps back out.] First of all, we get a report that there are two men making love in the last train and have to go in there to break it up. Then we get two homeless women in here with all their bags and this lady all throwing a fit because they smell. The homeless woman says to her: "You better be getting out of my face!" and the yelling lady tries to grab her bags, she pulls out pepper spray and gets her right in the face! Hold on [Jumps back into booth.] and this lady right, she has her arms out in front of her face like this [crosses arms] like she got the power of Christ to protect her. We had the cops waiting at the next station and everything.
--A Train
You Guys Are Like the Gay Abbott and Costello
[Heading towards the restaurant "Good".]
Gay guy #1: Where are we going again?
Gay guy #2: It's "Good".
Gay guy #1: What's good?
Gay guy #2: The name of the restaurant we're going to.
Gay guy #1: I asked you what it was.
Gay guy #3: Oh, we are so not doing this...
--The Village
Perhaps the Tie-Dye Onesie and Lennon Shades Were a Poor Idea
Overly enthusiastic white dad: What are you saying no to?
Toddler: No no no no no no no!
Overly enthusiastic white dad: Are you saying no to drugs?
Toddler: No no no no no no no!
Overly enthusiastic white dad: Are you not saying no to drugs? Are you doing drugs?
--73rd between Broadway and West End
Overheard by: UpperWestsidette
The Detrimental Effects of Early Childhood Exposure to Candyland
Little girl: Dad. Dad. Dad.
Dad: Stop pulling on me. What?
Little girl, pointing up at an enormous black man: He looks like a big chocolate bar!
Dad, with a forced grin: She's five.
--Line, Grace's Market Place
Cured It?
Little old lady #1: That one woman raised four girls all by herself!
Little old lady #2: Imagine what that did for her sex drive.
--St. James Theater
Overheard by: It only helps if she's an incestual pedophile.
Sometimes I Put a Cherry on Top, But It's Not the Same
Old Jewish lady: How are you today?
Old Jewish man: If I sold ice cream, I'd be great. If I sold ice cream in Central Park, that would be perfect. But me? I sell chickens in Bedford.
--8th St & Bedford Ave
Why, He's the Best Hostage Negotiator NYC Has to Offer
Guy #1: I'm serious about the slightly racist comments, they go a long way in jokes.
Guy #2: You can get away with it, she's your girlfriend.
Guy #1: Yeah if she gets really angry I just draw a penis or something saying "Hello *Jenny!" and then everything's okay.
--Eastchester & Morris Park
And Has to Sober Up to Drive Home
[Woman walks into restroom with two small girls. Girls notice puke on the floor.]
Girl #1: Mommy, what's that?
Mom: That's puke.
Girl #2: Why did she puke?
Mom: She probably didn't feel well. Mommy's going to do that later because mommy's had way too much to drink!
--T.G.I. Friday's, Staten Island
Overheard by: Did I just hear that?
Eh, Either That or Good & Plenty
Skanky punk girl: Aren't you guys a little 5th avenue for this place?...
Girl in scarf, excitedly: Ooooh, we're 5th avenue?
--MARZ Bar, 2nd Ave & 1st St.
Overheard by: Arthur
They Can Go on Like This for Hours
Four-year-old daughter to father: Will you buy me a beer?
Father: I don't know. Will you buy me a beer?
--82nd & Amsterdam
That's What You Said When You Pooped on the Subway
Mom: Let's go inside, these flies are driving me crazy.
Six-year-old daughter: But mom, it's nature.
--Sidewalk Cafe, 120th & Malcolm X
Because I'll Swallow Anything
Guy: That's the house George Washington grew up in.
Girl: Wait, really?
Guy: No, you dumb bitch. Why did I ever marry you?
--70th Ave, Forest Hills, Queens
Overheard by: emma
Getting Blown Is More of a Guy Thing
20-something girl: I was standing there on the subway, and this guy blew on me! And I was like, "Um, what?" and he was like "You started it!" and kept blowing on me! I think he put a curse on me.
Friend: This is why I take cabs.
--4th & 6th
Why I Stuck Out My Cane in the First Place
[A lady running up subway stairs slips and falls]
Guy walking behind her: Are you okay?
Lady, rudely: Ugh... Mind your own business.
Guy: I'm glad you fell.
--Willoughby St & Myrtle Promenade
Overheard by: azzie
Would It Be Feasible for Me to Throw Myself in Front Of My Own Train?
Conductor: This is a Manhattan-bound number three train; next stop is Sutter avenue-Rutland road; stand clear of the closing doors please.
[Doors close and open again.]
Conductor: Please do not block the doors, stand clear, please.
[Doors close and open again.]
Conductor: Do not block the doors. Stand clear, please.
[Doors close and open again.]
Conductor: For the last motherfucking time, do not block the fucking doors! I know you ghetto-ass niggas don't care about school, but some people want to get the fuck to work! Stand clear!
[Doors close and open again.]
Conductor: I can't fucking take this shit.
--3 Train
Overheard by: Morel Farember
The People Who Film and Distribute It?
Teenage girl: But she sucks a lot of dick for money!
Teenage boy: At least she's getting paid! You suck a lot of dick for free! Who's the winner in that situation?
--153rd St & Amsterdam Ave
Overheard by: Emily
This Actually Makes Me Want to Have Kids
Eight-year-old brother speaking to four year old brother in high pitched witches voice: First I'll burn you to a black crisp in a huge oven, then I'll start with your flesh...
Four-year-old: What will it taste like?
Eight-year-old brother, without pausing: It will taste like a delicious steak, then I 'll eat your teeth and they'll taste like crackers! But your hair, your hair will be completely burned off.
Four-year-old: [Giggles maniacally.]
--C Train
Overheard by: never having kids
We Don't Rave with Good Dancers
Chick: What are you doing this weekend?
Guy: I'm going to a passover rave.
Chick: What the hell is a passover rave?
Guy: That's where we have a Seder, then drop ecstasy and go dancing.
Chick: That is so awesome. Can I come?
Guy: You're not Jewish.
--Waiting Room, Pacific College of Acupuncture Clinic
Overheard by: Colleen
It Stems Back to a Traumatic Experience Involving One of His Bitches
Salesperson to small shaking dog: Are you cold or scared?
Man holding small shaking dog: He's afraid of dildos.
--Babeland, LES
Or Straight
Boy: You know what, I don't know anyone who has such good taste in fashion as me, and I'm only twelve!
Mom: Honey, stop saying those things. People will think you're arrogant.
Girl: It's only arrogance if you're wrong.
--McDonald's, Times Square
No Autoerotic Asphyxiation Until You're a Teenager
[A small girl in scarf hands end of scarf to babysitter, who is on the phone. Babysitter absentmindedly holds scarf. Little girl pulls away.].
Babysitter: No, honey, we're going to go this way [tugs in other direction].
Little girl: But I want to choke myself!
Babysitter, not really paying attention: No, no...
Little girl: But I want to choke myself! [pulls away harder].
Babysitter, still vague: No, honey, that's bad...
--Grand Central Station
Those Bed Bugs Were the Only Ones Who Really Understood Me
Mother: ... And I cleaned your pillow cases...
Screaming child: No!
Mother: ... And your blankets...
Screaming child: No!
Mother: ... And your sheets!
Screaming child: No! No! No! [Cries.]
--Astoria
Overheard by: Almost too cold to laugh
Turning Against Your Fanbase?
Actor/giants fan: Tom Coughlin loves Sienfeld, and so they took Seinfeld off the air in Wisconsin! Can you believe that?
Anthony Rapp: Seinfeld is for white people.
--Theatre, 43rd & 8th
Patrick Swayze Has Fallen Upon Hard Times
Schoolboy to girl: You know you like him.
Schoolgirl to boy: No I don't! He's disgusting! I wouldn't let him even touch me or come near me... Well, unless we were dancing.
--6 Train
Overheard by: CSneed
You Can't Smoke It, Though
Idiot girl #1: Cloves taste so good!
Idiot guy: Yeah, I hear they are toasted or something.
Idiot girl #2: Oh, I love toast!
--33 Washington Square West
It Does for Sex What Beer Does for Dancing
Girl #1: So yeah, it's supposed to make you last really long and come like a horse.
Girl #2: Wow.
--FIT
Overheard by: C
Still Not As Funny As the White Boys, Though
Ghetto girl #1: Oh mah gah, you remember those two girls we saw at that one club last night?
Ghetto girl #2: Which ones? The ones who were trying to pop, lock, and drop it, when they was dropping it before they was locking it?
--Starbucks, Penn Station
Overheard by: Noah Tizzle
Like You'd Set Foot in Jersey Without Them?
Girl #1: We could drive out to New Jersey this weekend.
Guy: I'll chip in for gas.
Girl #2: I'll chip in for drugs.
--Pratt Institute
Aw Jeez, I'm Sorry --Don't Fuckin' Cry, Okay?
McSuit #1: Do you wanna head to the subway?
McSuit #2: You mean Subway, like the restaurant?
McSuit #1: No, I mean subway, like the fuckin' subway.
--7th & Bowery
Everyone Knows God Had Two Daddies
Teenage JAP #1: Oh, mother of God! Your kids are driving me insane!
Teenage JAP #2: There is no mother of God, you idiot.
--Jerusalem 2 Pizza, Ave J
Overheard by: Frombklyn
The College Students Were Given a Time-Out and the Train Proceeded on Its Course
College student to slow-ass friends, during morning rush hour commute: Hurry up! I'm holding open the doors for you!
Conductor: I'm very upset about this.
--6 Train
Overheard by: wb
Another Man Wonders If She's Worth It
Young guy: Hey, what do you think about interracial marriage?
Young girl: What, you mean like gay people?
Guy: [Stares at her blankly.] ... What?
--Columbus Circle
Overheard by: Raymond Saada
She Bought You That Vaginal Ointment You've Been Needing!
Lady over loudspeaker: Would a customer named *Amanda please report to checkout ten. *Amanda, please report to checkout ten.
[Pause of about 45 seconds.]
Lady over loudspeaker: *Amanda, please report to checkout ten. You mom is here and her back hurts.
--Pathmark-Atlantic Center Brooklyn
Overheard by: Bart Procacci
The Best Part of Waking Up Is Folgers in Your Sippy Cup
Six-year-old hippie girl to babysitter: If it's okay with you, can you take Tommy and I to Grey Dog, please?
Six-year-old preppy boy: What's "Grey Dog"?
Six-year-old hippie girl: My favorite coffee shop.
--Bleecker & 6th Ave
Headline by: chubba
Runners-Up:
· "By the Time She Was 13 She Had a Favorite Abortion Clinic." - DR G LUV
· "I Just Get The Cafe Au Breast Milk." - cbeck
· "If It Was 1908, She'd Be Working in a Textile Factory" - Nate
· "The Lattes Come with Biodegradable Crazy Straws" - Kristen
· "Their Mom Had Caffinated Breast Milk" - Josh
Click here to see the new Headline Contest
Give Her a Couple of Years, Diaghilev
Four-year-old, walking with father: I can spell "Ma-ma".
Father, to himself: Bitch didn't teach her how to spell my name, did she?
--9th St & 2nd Ave
And I'm Not Even Positive This One Is Mine
Older woman: Oh, is this your first baby?
Young pregnant girl: No, this is my last baby!
--Times Square Station
Ah, Thanksgiving with Family
20-ish guy: Maybe I'll get another drumstick this time.
Friend: Or another fuck you.
--Brand New Concert, Blender Theatre, Gramercy
Wednesday One-Liners Have Been Locked in the Bathroom for an Awfully Long Time
Boy, to uninterested girl: You gotta date me! What you mean you only date 25-year-olds? Do you know what 25-year-old guys do?? They masturbate. All the time. It's true -my dad told me.
--Fordham Road Subway Station
Overheard by: ...as opposed to guys of all other ages??
Girl on cell: They keep doing it, and it's ridiculous. I mean, they should just whack it off in the bathroom like everybody else does.
--Auditions, 35th & 8th
Chick on cell: What's wrong with jerking off in the baggage claim at the start of a three day weekend?
--Columbia University
Overheard by: Wild Dog Boy
Surly stocker to fellow coworker: If they keep calling me upstairs, I am not going to have time to eat, or masturbate, or anything!
--Duane Reade, 58th & 8th
Overheard by: I'm busy too
Boy on cell: I've never gone all the way with anyone -you know? [Pause.] ... I'm just enjoying myself.
--Broadway , Near Columbia University
Overheard by: julie
Presenting the Wednesday One-Liners Lollipop
Girl: He's like, "Why so cold?" and I'm like, "You licked my ear! You licked my ear! You licked my ear! I cannot emphasize enough that you licked my ear."
--43rd & 9th
Girl on cell: So if he licked my pussy, would it ruin our friendship?
--W 4th Street
Eight-year old boy: Can I please lick your eyeball, mom?
--Museum of Natural History
Overheard by: thankfully, not the mom
20-something woman talking to friends: So, having some guy really close to your ear with his tongue out is the most horrifying thing ever... Some guy just licked me on the subway. He emptied, like, an entire tube of toothpaste on my hair and back and then proceeded to lick it off me...I got to work and went to the bathroom. I washed my hair, and scrubbed my back raw, but I didn't feel clean until I got home and took a shower.
--Gift Shop, The Metropolitan Museum of Art
Overheard by: Lauren Weiss
Girl to friend: And then she bent over and he licked her ass.
--Astor Place Subway Station
Overheard by: Shane and Sammy
Pretentious redhead: So I said, "Please don't lick me. I'm just trying to do my job."
--Uptown E Train
Overheard by: wondering where she works
Wednesday One-Liners Didn't Mean It Like That
NYU nerdy chick on cell: The oral is going to be super hard. ...But I think I'll be good at it.
--NYU
Overheard by: kat
Clerk, to female co-worker: I keep my meat to the side.
--Walgreens, Atlantic Ave
Girl: Bite and suck, bite and suck, bite and suck!
--Szechuan Restaurant
Overheard by: tallierand
Female customer to employee: ...the gum that has the things in it. She likes to chew on the ones with the blue balls.
--Duane Reade, Fresh Meadows
Overheard by: evan FM
College sophomore: ... So yeah, I said "Mom, stop rotating my pickle!"
--USA #1 Deli, La Salle & Broadway
Overheard by: Xiao Hoah Dze
Father to younger son: So you like second base right?
--Douglaston Market, Queens
Overheard by: Noelle
The Pitter-Patter of Tiny Wednesday One-Liners
Young boy: Fuck school! When I'm old enough, I'm just going to stay home and make babies.
--1 Train
College professor: Everything that is wrong in this world can be traced back to babies.
--40th & 8th Ave
Overheard by: Just Trying to Smoke in Peace
Girl on phone: I'm going to have to cancel for a few different reasons. First, the baby hasn't gotten all her shots. And more importantly, there's something pecking through my wall! I'm really freaked out!
--Bleecker and Lafayette
Woman with three kids, after watching the eldest push the middle to the ground: What are you pushing him down for? Are you trying to upset my stomach so I lose this baby inside me?
--St Marks Place, Staten Island
Girl on cell: Well if she likes to have babies so much, why don't she just be a ... doctor!
--52nd & 7th
Professor: 42-year-old babies don't have bones.
--Schenectady County Community College
Don't Get Your Wednesday One-Liners in a Bunch
Young lawyer: My little boy finally made the transition from diapers to "big boy" underwear. On his first day back to pre-school he dropped his trousers and showed the whole class his lightning McQueens.
Young lawyer: ... And it created a domino effect of three-year-olds showing their undies.
--6 Train
Overheard by: POLA
Chick on cell: Better underwear than meth!
--Harlem
Overheard by: McFreaky
Boyfriend to girlfriend looking at lingerie in window: It's kind of cold for that.
--University & 9th
Overheard by: Mary Crippen
Skank: So I'm thinking "Now I've got to get rid of those panties!"
--54th & 9th
Overheard by: thats gross
Earnest teen chick, calling to retreating waitress: Do you sell thongs? I'm serious, I really need them!
--Hard Rock Cafe, Times Square
Overheard by: Amanda
Man getting into elevator: ... And she was all like "Hi, whatchu doin'?" And I was like "Whaaaat?" I didn't know what to say, she was all over me, I could see her panties. [Everyone in elevator looks at him and laughs a little.] I mean, come on, we're all adults in here. What was I supposed to do? Smile? Say "Hi" back?
--Elevator, Empire State Building
At Least Wednesday One-Liners Are Pretty
Girl to friend: I wonder what's the difference between hard tacos and soft tacos.
--Line at Taco Bell, Queens Mall Food Court
Overheard by: NTA
Guy talking to his friend: I don't believe there is a first time for everything, but I do think there is a first time for anything.
--2nd St & Ave B
Overheard by: Max Berlinger
Girl on cell in hallway: She told me to get bacterial soap.
--Fordham University, Rose Hill
Overheard by: Krisztina ,who uses anti-bacterial
Subway comedian: My wife is so stupid. I told her to take the 2 train, she took the 1 twice. [Awkward silence follows. Comedian proceeds to dance around a subway pole pretending to be a stripper.]
--1 Train
Overheard by: Subway rider
Guy on cell: Dude, you've got to stop doing this "living paycheck to paycheck" thing because every time you get a check it's like an emotional highway.
--Columbia University Campus
Overheard by: Alina
College girl, after closing a Nutella jar: I solved it! I solved the puzzle!
--Broome St
Overheard by: YJL
Wednesday One-Liners Can Still Lead a Normal Life
Pissed off gay guy on phone: What should you have said? Oh, I don't know, maybe "Hi, I'm Michael, I have syphilis!"
--13th & Broadway
Guy: That'd be a great gig, but I don't know if you want to be the face of venereal disease.
--Cafe Esperanto
Woman coming off train: Get away from me! You got AIDS on yo' dick!
--R Train
Overheard by: going to the clinic
Chick: As long as it's not AIDS it's okay. I'm vaccinated against everything except AIDS.
--Columbia University
20-something male talking to friend: You know the way I see it: AIDS will kill you, herpes is just an inconvenience...
--34th between 2nd and 3rd
Overheard by: LadyEDdy
Columbia student, on her public health exam: I just didn't know where to put the gonorrhea! It had to go somewhere, I just couldn't figure out where!
--School of Public Heatlh, Columbia University
Loud guy: So he gave her a venereal disease. That's not a reason to marry her!
--Blue Hill Restaurant
Wednesday One-Liners Did Chop Down That Cherry Tree
Well dressed party-goer: No, like, I went to Princeton -we lied all the time.
--Williamsburg
Overheard by: Cuny Graduate
Dude on cell: Okay... Great. Yeah. But I gotta go. My mom's calling. [Hangs up, shoves phone in pocket.]
--Wagner College, Staten Island
Overheard by: Squiggs
Woman on cell: I just don't understand why he got so freaked out about it. I said "I love you" -big fucking deal. That doesn't mean anything. I could have been lying. I was lying, for Christ's sake.
--L Train
Crazy hobo: Hillary Clinton is a liar, she lies. We've been married for 28 years and she won't admit to it. Liar. Afraid of integration, that's Hillary.
--E Train
Overheard by: Liz Beaux
Suit on cell to his wife: Yeah... Yeah... Oh, honey, I have to go, this is it, the train's here. Bye! [Clicks over to the other line.] Hey buddy! How's it going!
--125th St. Subway platform
Overheard by: EthanK
Twentysomething player on cell, picking fresh hairs off him : I feel you, I feel you, I can't meet up with you now, I have to go to Forest Hills to get my haircut.
--N Train
Overheard by: john
Guy on cell: Most people lie to get out of jury duty and here I am being honest about NAMBLA.
--73rd & 2nd
Overheard by: melissa
Every Little Wednesday One-Liner Helps
Professor: Gods, these students. It's like they just don't get it, you tell them things and two minutes later they ask you the same thing. How did they get here? What are they going to major in? In "homelessness"?
--English Department, Hostos Community College
Well-dressed 20-something girl: Homeless people tell me to cheer up all the time!
--1 train
Rich woman #1, fixing rich woman #2's scarf: [laughs] Oh my god, you look homeless!
--1 Train
Overheard by: sagehen
Well-dressed woman on cell: It's just another Wednesday and I'm a bag lady.
--Columbia University
Overheard by: Ladle
Mother to her flock of children entering the train and then getting off: Run guys run, theres a homeless guy on that train! Run!
--F Train
Overheard by: yana
Isn't It Time You Talked to Your Kids About Wednesday One-Liners?
Creepster: Hey there... do you like drugs? ... How about Gandhi?
--Chambers &and West Broadway
Girl on cell: So I opened the envelope on the train... Yeah it was heroin.
--W 46th Ave
Bum: Excuse me! Hey, hey! Excuse me! Check it out! I am going to smoke crack all fucking night, and there isn't anything anyone can do about it, because that's what I'm going to do, I'm going to smoke so much crack!
--West 4th at Washington Square Park
Overheard by: Cory
Guy to hungover girl: Everyday you look more and more like you do heroin.
--Relish Bar & Grill
Preppy dude: I like doing drugs too much to be a Buddhist.
--Arlene's Grocery
Mom to ten-year-old son: ... But that's like saying heroin is the only drug to try!
--14th St & 9th Ave
At Least Wednesday One-Liners Can Cook
Drunk college girl: I don't mean to have sex with ugly guys but more often than not...
--Columbia University
Overheard by: Lo
Thuggish dude on cell: ... You want to look in the mirror and be like ewww, while everyone else looks at you and is like, ooh, you know what I'm saying? When I wake up in the morning and I look in the mirror I think to myself shit, I am one ugly motherfucker, how the hell do I get so many bitches?
--7 Train
Overheard by: Andrea
Dumpy man waiting on line: I didn't know court was a beauty contest for ugly women.
--Downtown NYC Courthouse
Man fighting with random woman on train: You're as ugly as the tip of my dick!
--4 Train
Overheard by: Marlon B
Teenage girl to group of friends: Oh! Did I tell you *Jessica had her baby? Yeah, that shit ain't ugly.
--Cobble Hill
Loud girl: Omigod I'm soooo pissed! Like, she's so ugly. Much uglier than me. And you know on Halloween, if I hadn't been bleeding from my vagina and puking in a bowl he would have hooked up with me instead.
--Fordham University
Overheard by: I was puking in a bowl when I heard this too
Sure, Lisa, Some Magical Wednesday One-Liner....
Dude with chick to group of smokers outside bar: We are going to eat pork chops and fuck.
--Bleecker and Crosby
Gay male on cell: ...Do you really think I would try his sausage balls?
--53rd St & 8th Ave
Budget Vin Diesel: I love bacon. If I could, I would put bacon in my cereal.
--Sunburnt Cow, Avenue C
Overheard by: LeahPia77
Hispanic deli worker: Es muy barato, como la carne de gato.
--10th & Broadway
Overheard by: Anna Pilar
Black man, to Jewish friend: You're not Jewish. You had bacon at your baby's naming ceremony. Thickest, juiciest most delicious bacon I ever ate in my life. You named your kid Samuel and you had bacon. Delicious, delicious bacon.
--A Train
Man on cell phone: The sausages! I mean, I don't feel bad for the hot dogs. But, the sausages?!
--41st and 7th
Overheard by: Justin
Good Thing They're All Mortal
Man coming out of ATM: They're all out of service.
Girl #1: All of them?
Man: Yup!
Girl #1: Well now what?
Girl #2: People in New York are so fricking cheerful, it makes me nauseous.
--9th & University
It's What Victor Would've Wanted
Rich lady #1: Hi! How was the funeral?
Rich ladies #2 and #3, carrying shopping bags: Oh... We didn't make it to the funeral. We got caught up shopping instead.
--Tea & Sympathy
That Sour Bacon Smell Has Already Given Us Away
Young Canadian tourist boy: Did you just fart?
Sister, sternly: Shhhh Dylan! We're in America now.
--Macy's
Sunday Brunch Was Delightfully Uncrowded
Woman: Thank god it's Friday!
Subway janitor: Actually, Friday is my Monday.
Woman: [Thinks for a while.] Well, how was your weekend?
--6 Train Station
Frames of Reference Were Always a Bit Different in the Lohan Family
Eight-year-old-girl: What is aged cheese?
Dad: You age cheese to make it better.
Eight-year-old-girl: You do?
Dad: Like whiskey.
Eight-year-old-girl: Ahhhh, I see.
--Starbucks, 9th & 2nd
Making Crazy-Spotting Impossible
Girl #1: What kind of man wears a toe ring?
Girl #2: Umm... he was talking to himself and fumbling with something in his butt.
Girl #1: Yeah, but he had a blackberry.
--A Train
Overheard by: Cynthia
The First Hit's Always Free
[On Ash Wednesday]
Female pastor: Come get ashy for Jesus, no credit, bad credit, God don't care. Come get your blessing! Free Jesus with all ash.
Daily newspaper hawker: Daily News, 50 cents, Jesus for free!
--Fordham Rd & Jerome Ave
Tell Me Dr. Marbles Performs Testicular Surgery
Black lady #1: Dr. Marbles? Like marbles? Like marbles you pick up and play with?
Black lady #2: Girl, you need to change your tonation...
--Columbia
Overheard by: Tonation hopefully in check
Probably Why Adam Sandler's Career Is in a Freefall
20-something dude #1: Dude, did you just fart?
20-something dude #2: Shit, that stinks.
20-something dude #1: It smells like a turd wrapped in burnt hair!
20-something dude #2: It smells like Bigfoot's dick!
20-something dude #1: It smells like the inside of a prosthetic leg!
[Five minutes of same.]
20-something chick, exasperated: You know, this isn't funny anymore!
--Metro-North Train to Poughkeepsie
Overheard by: Jenni
The Sultan of the F Train Has Many Wives
Hobo, jingling change in old paper bag: Damn baby! You are a beautiful girl!
Girl: [Looks away.]
Hobo: Will you marry me? I promise you a palace!!
--F Train
Overheard by: Sara
Some Bottoms Find Their Tops Early in Life
Boy to mom: Mom -my dradle commands me.
Mom: Ummmm... Okay honey... I'm not sure its supposed to do that.
--UWS Bookstore
In a Few Minutes They'll Be Wrestling in a Warm Tub of Soup
Customer: Are any of your soups vegetarian?
Soup guy: Yes, the lentil and vegetable soups are.
Customer: I don't trust you.
Soup guy: I make the soups.
Customer: Well, I just don't trust you.
Soup guy, to next customer: Can I help you?
Customer: Hang on now, I still don't trust you!
--Pax, 40th & 6th Ave
...Out and Find That Sticker
Guy: I hate people honking on their horns in still traffic. It never helps anyone.
Girl: Until I get a bumper sticker that says "Keep honking, it only makes my penis bigger."
Guy: ... And that's my cue to go.
--1 Train
Slogan: "Peeing a Lot?/ Giant Twat!"
Woman #1: I really have to pee!
Woman #2: My god! Again? You have the tiniest bladder!
Woman #3: You know what they say about a tiny bladder?
Women #1 and #2: What?
Woman #3: Huge vagina!
--Olea, Forte Green, Brooklyn
Eventually He Gave Everyone Numbers and Chose Out of a Bingo Tumbler
Homeless panhandler: Good afternoon, I'm homeless and I want at least one Asian to give me some change.
Black woman giving slight sigh of relief: Well that doesn't include me! He don't want my change then!
--F Train
Overheard by: WBR
Sex With Your Ex Is Always Something Special
Huge black guy on cell: Yo man, I got nostalgic on that ass!
--Center & Lafayette
Overheard by: jonnytimmy
Exactly How Steve Carell Felt About Evan Almighty
Stoner guy, as it begins to rain: Dude, what is this shit?
Other guy: Um, rain?
Stoner guy: ... Man, I got a bad feeling about this...
--Broadway & Bleecker
Typical Beurocratic Nitpicking
DMV employee: You didn't write down "Assault with a deadly weapon" on your form.
Woman: Oh shit, I forgot that?
--College Point DMV, Queens
Overheard by: Noelle
Pays to Catch 'em Feeling Vulnerable
Hobo holding open door: Hello, beautiful lady.
Woman, dropping a five in cup: You're one smart son of a bitch.
--86th & Lexington
If We Give Up Now, Mother Nature Wins
Guy #1: Man it's freakin' freezing out! Isn't there supposed to be global warming or something!?
Guy #2: Well, obviously we're not trying hard enough.
--50th & Broadway
It's Really Not a Tourist Attraction
Tourist: Can you tell me where grand zero is?
Lady: You mean ground zero?
Tourist: Yes, I guess it is the same thing, okay...
Lady pointing straight ahead: Walk straight ahead. You see the big gap in the sky? There you go.
Tourist: Wait. I don't see anything. What, its all gone already?
Lady: Are you retarded?
--Corner of Church & Reade
A Rare Sighting of the Elusive Emetopodophile.
Drunk girl to friends: Wait! Wait, bitches, shut up! This is important!
[Drunk friends turn to her.]
Drunk girl: I totally just threw up all over my own feet!
Drunk guy: That's fucking hot!
--Brother Jimmy's Bait Shack, 92nd & 3rd
Overheard by: rebecca
Headline by: Adam
Runners-Up:
· "1 Girl, 2 Manolos" - Allyson L.
· "And I Can't Wait for Volume II Of "Girls Gone Ipecac"" - NotoriousAR
· "How Paris Found Her Catch-Phrase" - Janet
· "If By "Hot" You Mean the Temperature Of My Vomit, Then Yes, It Is Rather Hot." - CL
· "It's Because She Vomits Lava." - Sean McGurr
· "Matchmaker: Remember, Girls. Chunks Turn on Hunks." - NewFaceOfEvil
· "Usually I Have to Pay Extra for That" - As do I
· "When Fetishes Collide" - Jon
Click here to see the new Headline Contest
Next Time Impede the Investigation in Finnish
[Patrol car flashing lights at curb. Small group of high-schoolers corralled against wall]
Police officer: So what happened --what did you see?
Sharp teen: No hablo inglés.
Officer, in perfect Spanish: Entonces, que pasó? Qué viste?
Smart teen: No hablo español!
--85th & Amsterdam
Overheard by: Christopher Stone
Now, If You Don't Mind My Doing So, I Will Give You the Finger
Man: I noticed you're reading The Kite Runner. How is it, if you don't mind my asking?
Woman: Why would I mind if you ask me how the book is? You're just trying to sound extra polite, and it's annoying. Are you from the Midwest?
Man: Actually, I'm from Pennsylvania.
Woman: Even worse.
--F Train
Overheard by: nathaneast
From the People Who Brought You Seaman, Dyckman, and Gay Streets...
MTA conductor: Rector street is next. The next stop is rector street.
Old lady tourist to friend: Rector... Rector... Rectum.
--1 Train
Overheard by: Well, we've all thought it
Shallow Parents Have Trouble With Deep Kids
Male #1: I have a daughter that dresses like a hooker, and everyday I yell at her: "*Nicole! Stop dressing like a hooker!" ...She's a fucking cutter too!
Male #2: She cuts class?
Male #1: No. She cuts herself and she doesn't even do a good job of covering it up either! How the hell does she expect to get a guy with all that shit on her arm?
--Marillac Hall, St. John's University
Overheard by: Leonard Castell
I Support a Woman's Right to Wear Fingerless Lace Gloves
Girl with clipboard: Excuse me, do you have a moment for gay rights?
College guy, not stopping: I love lesbian porn!
--116 & Broadway
My Next Question Was, "Did You Buy That at Hot Topic?"
Professor: Wow, you looked so tough! Like Michael Jackson in "Beat it"!
Male student: ... That wasn't tough.
Professor: Exactly!
--Brooklyn
Overheard by: Loli/Angie
Explains the Doggie Sweater with the Red "A"
[Man with big dog is standing on the sidewalk. Man with small dog walks by. Small dog starts jumping at and around big dog.]
Man with big dog: Is it a boy?
Man with small dog: Yeah.
Man with big dog: Oh, he better watch out! [Gestures to his dog.] She's a slut!
--Washington Place, Outside Pless Hall
Overheard by: Caliban
Tragically, She's Not Alone
Loud lady #1: What you gonna name yo baby when she pop out?
Loud lady #2: Merlot.
Loud lady #1: What?!
Loud lady #2: Merlot.
Loud lady #1: Marlin?
Loud lady #2: Merlot. Its a fine wine, dummy. The reason she be comin' in to dis world.
--1 Train
Overheard by: TylerDavis
Translation: "Die, Shrew. Die! Die!"
Wifey: Did you just see what happened?
Husband: Yes.
Wifey: That's why you need to let people off the train first before you try to get on.
Husband: Okay.
Wifey: Next time, just follow me okay?
Husband, disgruntled: Okay.
[Wifey starts reading a book and hubby starts reading his morning newspaper.]
Wifey, glancing at husband: You really need to clean your ears out -you have a big piece of wax in your ear!
Husband: Thanks for letting me know.
Wifey: No problem.
--N Train
I Hear Them Whispering Together in the Wee Hours of the Morning
30-something guy #1: I seriously need to get laid.
30-something guy #2: Yeah ya do.
30-something guy #1: I feel like I'm 14 again, and all the boobs in the world are conspiring to drive me crazy...
--40th & 8th
Overheard by: Sympathetic
That Happens When We Borrow Money from China
Tourist son: Wow, is this high school?
Tourist dad: Yup, you gotta be like Asian to go here.
--Stuyvesant High School
Bart and Milhouse Are at It Again
Little boy #1: I bet you you can't do it!
Little boy #2: Oh yes I can! Don't underestimate me!
Little boy #1: Fine! Steal my soul!
--Broadway
I Have to Pregame Before I Can Shop With You
Mother: Are you still drunk?
Daughter: I wasn't drunk yesterday!
--71st St & Broadway, Queens
When Your Relaxation Tapes Are Narrated by Woody Allen
Mom: You need to relax!
Teen girl: Why? Because I said "Oh my god"?
Mom: Just relax!
Teen girl, mockingly: Oh my god! Oh my god!
Mom: Just fucking relax!
--Union Square
Fake Fur Is Fake Murder, Though
Hipster smoking clove: Hey, what kind of fur is that?
Uptown woman in fur: Um... Fake?
Hipster smoking clove: Cool.
--Outside the Imperial Theatre, West 45th Street
Overheard by: JasonBSchmidt
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