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Making Your Wife's Vajayjay "Talk" Like a Puppet Doesn't Count
Cute blonde: We should go see The Vagina Monologues.
Awkward Indian man: Yeah, that's my play!
--Columbia University
Unlike Most McDonald's Salads
Four-year-old boy to mom eating a Big Mac: Mommy, can I try some?
Mom: You won't like it. It tastes like salad.
--McDonald's, Broadway b/w Waverly and Astor Place
Overheard by: Jen
You'll Have to Pry It from My Cold, Dead Hands
[guy takes a flyer]
Flyer guy: Hey, do you want to know about...
Guy interrupting: No.
[guy goes into revolving door and flyer guy follows him into the same section of the door and stops it]
Flyer guy: Don't be such a jerkwad, I want my flyer back.
--68th St Loews
Overheard by: LSB
Probably Ironic or Symbolic or Something
Tourist girl #1: You know that movie Juno? Is it named after "Ju-no", like, "You know?"..."Ju-no"?
Tourist girl #2: I think it's her name.
Tourist girl #1: Oh... Ok.
--6 Train
Overheard by: Emily
'Fucking' Isn't Always Just an Intensifier
Teen boy #1: Hey, where is it?
Teen girl: The dildo shop is that way!
Teen boy #2: Yes! Dildos! Oh yeah! We gonna have some fucking fun tonight!
--8th & 6th
Overheard by: A teen who also likes dildos
Now Are You Gonna Order or Do You Wanna Fuck With Me Some More?
Customer: Can I get an eggplant and mozzarella sandwich?
Employee: We outta eggs.
Customer: No, not eggs... Eggplant.
Employee: We outta eggs.
Customer: But eggplant and eggs are two entirely different things...
Employee, winking: The customer is always right.
--Au Bon Pain, Greenwich Village
Overheard by: Caelster
The Original Iteration of Ratatouille Bombed with Young Audiences
Four-year-old boy, pointing at giant inflatable rat: Look dad, a big rat!
Dad: Yeah, that symbolizes anti-union labor where the union employees aren't being hired and companies are hiring non-union employees to work with them.
Four-year-old boy: What?
--28th & Broadway
I'm the Sexy Jesus of the Sophomore Class
Male Columbia student: So did she give you the recommendation, or what?
Female Columbia student: Yeah, I wasn't sure that she liked me that much... But then apparently she told them I walk on water in six-inch heels!
--1 Train
You There-- Stop Texting at Once!
Woman #1: I noticed last night you had your nails done.
Woman #2: I hope I didn't hurt you.
Woman #1: We just have to be careful not to stretch anything.
Woman #2: Let's call Jimmy next time, he's great from a directive point of view.
Woman #1: I wonder if anyone's listening to this conversation...
--A Train
The Real Reason the Israelites Left
Ghetto store employee #1: Yo, they got people in Egypt?
Ghetto store employee #2: Yeah, they got Pizza Hut an everything. Right across the street from the pyramids an shit.
Ghetto store employee #1: Why they be eatin pizza? It's hot in the desert they ain't got to be eatin no hot pizza!
--Mass Produced Clothing Store, SoHo
Or Else I'm in Peril of Being Uncool
Teenage girl, running up to two friends from behind: Molly! And Kaya!
Molly or Kaya: Oh, Bren! Are you coming to Starbucks?
Bren: No, I have to go get that cancer vaccination! Right now!
--Prince & Spring
Assuming That What Suburban 13-Year-Olds Have Can Be Considered a "Life"
13-year-old boy #1: Dude, you know what I did? I totally called Donna and told her you made a date with a fat chick.
13-year-old boy #2: You did not.
13-year-old boy #1: I totally did. She thought it was really funny. Sorry.
13-year-old boy #3: You guys are wasting my time and my life. [gets up and leaves]
--Cosi, 13th St & 6th Ave
Overheard by: thank god i'm not 13 anymore
I Waited in Vain for a Blonde Ingenue
[two white women are leaving a performance of The Color Purple]
Woman #1: So what did you think?
Woman #2: I don't know. It was good I guess. It was just...
Woman #1: What?
Woman #2: Very... Black or something.
--Outside The Broadway Theatre, 53rd & 7th
Overheard by: Brandi
Unless Your Eyes Are Closed When You're Looking at It
Redhead: So, what's your favorite planet?
Blonde: Mercury.
Redhead: Oh, come on. Mercury is the sun's little bitch.
Blonde: Well then, what's the moon?
Redhead: Y'know, if you look at the sun, it can get bright sometimes.
--Elevator, Hotel Edison
Virgins Exist?
Mom, reading about unicorns to ten-year-old son: The unicorn was a symbol of Christ, its head in the virgin Mary's lap...
Son: Wait, wait, wait! Mary was a virgin?!
--Museum of Natural History, Mythic Creatures Exhibit
Men's Intuition, I Suppose
Teenage boy: I just realized I have not gotten laid, thus far in life.
Girl: When'd you come up with that?
--E 18th St & Ave J
Men Rightly Fear the Pitter Patter of Labia Minora
Girl #1: She yelled at me for being a stalker!
Girl #2: Why? What did you do?
Girl #1: I was following him with my eyes.
Girl #2: Oh! That's not so bad. It's not like you were actually following him, like... With your feet.
Girl #3: Or your vagina.
--Wagner College
Hobo Rule #293: Know Your Audience
Homeless man walking towards group of queers: Hey guys! "The sun'll come out..."
Queers, elated: "Tomorrow, bet your bottom dollar that tomorrow, there'll be sun..."
--9th St & 3rd Ave
Didn't They Kick Beethoven Off the Charts?
Skinny 20-something guy: Before grunge there was nothing. The world was hungry for grunge.
Shorter 20-something guy: Yeah, I've just rediscovered Stone Temple Pilots
--F Train
Overheard by: Jen
Later He Affixed Some Rubber to Dampen His Impact on Her
20 something man, jumping up as seat collapses under him: You see?! That happens to me every time I stand up from sitting on them, too. I sit down KNOWING it's going to happen, but it always gets me.
20 something girlfriend: I know, I do the same thing.
20 something man: I mean, how hard would it be to affix some rubber or something so that it dampens the impact?
20 something girl: ...and doesn't scare everyone on the train.
20 something man: Yeah.
[Someone stands up from sitting on one at other end of train causing everyone to jump and look over.]
20 something girl: See, I'm sayin!
20 something man: Actually, I think I kinda like it. It's sort of organic, keeps you on your toes. You never know what the MTA will throw at you...
--2 Train
Overheard by: Ohiowatha
Are Boxes Supposed to Do That?
Woman #1: That Italian wine I got was gooooood!
Woman #2: Yeah?
Woman #1: Yeah! It popped open like a bottle of champagne!
--14th & 3rd
"Man Of Steel, Heels Of Helium"?
Conductor, over intercom: Conductor in the fifth car -are you top or bottom?
[well-built conductor walks through car to intercom to respond]
Gay commuter, upon seeing him: Oooh, I hope he's a bottom.
--NJ Transit
Overheard by: MrStench
Thanks, Heteronormative Tourist!
Australian tourist: Excuse me, mate, do you know where Hooters is?
Guy: Yeah, go up to 56th, take a left. It's between 7th and Broadway on the right.
Australian tourist: Thanks mate!
Guy to friend: Hey, I just got taken for a straight New Yorker.
--54th St & Madison
Overheard by: The other gay Bostonian
The Emotional Distress Alone Will Cost You Four-Weeks' Allowance
Little boy #1: I'm going to smash your bike!
Little boy #2: Well, if you smash my bike, I'm going to get a lawyer and sue you!
--Central Park
If Not, It Didn't Officially Happen
Hipster girl: When I was sixteen I dated this Jewish bisexual guy... He was so Jewish he wore a yarmulke.
Hipster guy: Did you blog about it?
--Central Park
Overheard by: Fixed Rider
And, Most Importantly, Do You Have Alcohol?
Guy #1: I have a moral dilemma.
Guy #2: Does it involve alcohol?
Guy #1: No.
Guy #2: Does it require alcohol?
--F Train
Overheard by: Sarah
As the Warning Label Explains
Bartender to DJ: This is the kind of music gay guys listen to when they get drunk and accidentally fuck their girlfriends.
DJ, over music: What?
Bartender: This is the kind of music gay guys listen to when they get drunk and accidentally fuck their girlfriends!
--Lit Lounge
Overheard by: waiting for my drink
... but I Know When a Shitty Joke Is in the Offing
Asian hipster/nerd: What's the difference between sadist and misogynist? What's the difference between sadist and misogynist? What's the--
Asian nerd friend: You mean masochist.
Asian hipster/nerd: Oh. ... What's the difference between--
Asian nerd friend: I don't know!!
--6 Train
Overheard by: AmandaRoyale
I'm Never Reading Huck Finn Now
Punk teen #1: So, was he molested?
Punk teen #2: No.
Punk teen #1: Oh, thats boring.
--LIRR
I Told Her to Teach Them to Love Me, or She's Fired
Distraught lady: [Sighs] I had the worst night last night.
Suit: What happened?
Distraught lady: [Sighs again, loudly] The kids. Tommy* just wouldn't stop crying. He was bawling all night.
Suit: Why?
Distraught lady: He kept saying he wanted to go home! He wouldn't be happy until we were home! So I said, *Tommy, you are home, what do you mean? Explain what you mean by "home." and then he said he meant home with Isabel, Xander, and Rosa. The nanny!
Suit: Oh my god! So where are they now?
Lady: Out with the nanny, I couldn't handle them right now.
--Laight St & Hudson
Overheard by: KidUgly
I Blame Shirley Temple
Little boy: Dad, can I get a sucker?
Dad: No.
Little boy: Please dad? Why not?
Dad: Suckers are for girls.
--Target Shopping Center
Overheard by: Alaina
When Crying "Wolf" Got Old, Peter Turned to This
Man on the street: Jesus loves you!
Teenage boy: I know he does!
Man on the street: Jesus is coming!
Teenage boy: Jesus is always coming.
Man on the street: He's really coming this time!
--Times Square
Overheard by: Maya G.
Harold Is Dating the Only Girl in NYC Who's Aroused by That
Girl: So, can you beatbox?
Guy: No, but I can make elephant noises. [Makes elephant noises.]
--Savoia
And Are Your Boobies Still Tender?
Boy #1: So how does your vagina feel today?
Boy #2: A little bit chafy.
--Staten Island
For Those of You Who Miss Supermarket Sweep...
Five-year-old boy, crowded around his mothers' blackberry with younger sisters: 5... 4... 3... 2... 1! Mommy... time's up!
Mother, who had been rushing around the sale room with just one item: [Ddisappointed] Okay, okay. I guess I'll just take this one sweater...
--Anthropologie
Overheard by: amused shopper
Thought Shaq Should Have Been Oscar-Nominated for His Work in Kazaam
20-something dude #1: I saw that fucking movie No Country for Old Men yesterday.
20-something dude #2: Did you like it?
20-something dude #1: It was a low-budget piece of shit. I like quality movies. Like National Treasure - Book of Secrets. That was a great fucking movie!
--4 Train
Motorboatable Wednesday One-Liners
20-something woman to friends: I mean they said they'd pay me $20 for it. I would show them one for $20, why not? One boob for $20? I mean, maybe they thought it was a big deal since we were at work.
--N Train Platform, 34th St Station
Overheard by: Regina
[Two young woman crossing the street. One turns to the the other and grabs her breast.]
Grabber girl: Honk!
[Both giggle and cross street into Victoria's Secret.]
--34th & Broadway
Overheard by: Chockita
Female boss to employee in low-cut shirt: Your boobs are awesome. But -I'm just gonna have to do this. [Pulls up employee's neckline.] Because...I just wanna dive in there. Head-first.
--Theater, St Marks Place
Overheard by: fhqwhgads
Professor: So you see, men only like women's boobs because of cleavage.
--Bard High School Early College
Tourist girls: [In unison from the door] Booooobies! [Run to the big naked lady sculpture and poses to take a picture].
--Columbus Circle
Teen girl to friend: Julia! Put your titties away!
--14th & 6th
Bored, drunken guy in a silent train cart: So does anyone wanna show their titties?
--NJ Transit
Overheard by: Not drunk enough to flash
Wednesday One-Liners Eat Xanax Like Popcorn
Conductor: Use all available doors, please. Don't be afraid of open doors.
--6 Train
Overheard by: Jon A.
Man looking at the BDSM exhibit: That's not scary. I have one of those!
--Museum of Sex
Overheard by: Rachel K
Big black man to his big black friends: Yo, and I was totally afraid he'd crush my vagina.
--Starbucks, 9th & 57th
Overheard by: newsyspice
Homeless guy: I don't know why all you people are looking at me scared! This is my game face! Halloween is over!
--G Train
Overheard by: drum
It Takes a Lot of Effort To Make Wednesday One-Liners Look This Good
Guy to male friend: We believe that the better you look, the more spiritual you are.
--1st St & 5th Ave., Brooklyn
Overheard by: PrairieSquid
Man collecting money for the homeless: Come on guys, I'm way too pretty to be homeless.
--Union Square
Overheard by: Dara
Middle-aged African American male, with a blue NY Giants baseball cap on, and a fur coat: I'm pretty... I'm pretty... I'm pretty
--59th St Subway Station
Overheard by: nickporjr
Bum: Hey pretty! Hey pretty!
[Pretty girl coughs violently and sneezes at the same time.]
Bum: Feel better, pretty.
--6th St & 7th Ave, Park Slope
Middle-aged, Chelsea-fit white guy on iPhone: Well, neither you nor any of your sisters were the beauty that I was...
--21st St & 8th Ave
Overheard by: Sean
Middle-aged man: You know who was good-looking? Stalin, when he was younger. He was so dashing!
--104th & West End
Overheard by: communist!
Youth Is Wasted On The Wednesday One-Liner
Teen dude: You just can't be tall and survive on a mountain!
--Halloween Adventure, 11th St & 4th Ave
Overheard by: da sarkastik ninja.
Teenage boy: Girls are so lucky... They can feel themselves up whenever they want.
--LIRR
High school girl: I said to her: "What they call you?" ... And she said, "TND". And I said, "'TND'?, What's 'TND'"? And she said "Top Notch Diva". [Howls with laughter.] She said "Top notch". Nobody say "Top notch"... That was like, last summer... Top notch... [laughs and snickers] and then she say: "What they call you?" and I said "BB"... "Betta bills". [Howls with laughter.]
--#1 Train
Teen boy, with a sigh: Sometimes the world just isn't as shiny as you want it to be.
--42nd St
Teenager to Mexican friend: Don't make me call immigration on you.
--Q train, to 57th st
Overheard by: LoRna
Teen: I like the beginning part of the Dido song "Thank you", you know, the depressing part, because I can relate to it. Well, aside from the parts about missing the bus because I have a car and paying bills because my parents do that for me.
--Union Square
Overheard by: UCB
Wednesday One-Liners, Plus Puerto Rico
Douchebag college student to girl: The cop looked at my ID and said "Come on, Mr California!" and I was like: "Mr California? Come on! I've been here for like four months!"
--G Train
Overheard by: Guy who puts 4 months to shame
Jersey girl: I don't do Arkansas.
--Tram to Roosevelt Island
Eight-year-old to uncle: Please don't move to Connecticut... It's too hard to spell!
--38th & 2nd Ave
Aging queen to record store clerk: Oivia Newton-John's fine and all, but she's like 55 and living in Connecticut, so she lost her edge.
--Rebel Rebel Records: Bleecker and Christopher st.
Suit on cell: Do they make you sterile? Can you have sex? When you're on the pills, can you have sex? You should go to Utah. They have great sex in Utah. The Mormons are famous for it. I think we should have easter dinner at 4.30 at Fekkai's.
--43rd St between Madison & 5th
Black man, pulling up his pants while being chased out of the library by two Hispanic security guards: I'm sick of dem Hispanics, man! I'm sick of 'em! I love California.
--New York Public Library, 42nd St branch
Overheard by: Jason
36 Chambers of Wednesday One-Liners
Homegirl on cell: You live in Staten Island, that's too close to the wilderness, near the border. I am not emotionally ready to meet you in Staten Island.
--LIRR
Suit: He's from Staten Island. That my Graceland.
--53rd & 6th
Overheard by: The Sock
Asian chick: What is that fruit called? Durian? That thing stinks so bad! It stinks like Staten Island bad!
--G Train
Overheard by: paco
Girl #1: In how many stops do we get off?
Girl #2: [Blank stare.]
--Staten Island Ferry
Conductor: Ladies and gentlemen, the next stop is South Ferry. From there, you can go to the wonderful Battery Park, go see the beautiful Statue of Liberty... Or go to Staten Island.
--1 Train
Overheard by: Smarlow
Wednesday One-Liners Don't Understand the Caucus System
Bleach-blonde: I would totally vote for McCain if Miley Cyrus were his running mate.
--Columbia University
Overheard by: Democrat
Woman: Oh, I am definitely a single-issue voter. And right now, that issue is: Which one of the candidates can get me to a bathroom soonest?
--7th Avenue, Park Slope
Overheard by: Chuckell
Drunk hobo to a group of pigeons: And they're all Democrats. Can't trust them Democrats.
--Washington Square Park
Young African American woman speaking animatedly on cell: ... Vice president? Why should I run for Vice President, I'm doing better than you, bitch! "Dream ticket!" That's why I hate white liberals. They don't know when they're fucked up. Republicans don't give a shit about you, but they know it.
--124th St, Harlem
Drunk wheelbo, shouting across the entire ferry terminal: Hillary, Hillary, she's our man! If she can't do it, no one can!
--Whitehall Ferry Terminal
Lady on cell: When you done turn Governor, you can't play dat shit...
--Associated Supermarket, Myrtle Ave, Brooklyn
Overheard by: PdQ
Wherever Wednesday One-Liners Go, There They Are
Man on cell: I'm at the bad Duane Reade right now... Yeah, the one on 14th street...I know that's the good one, but it's in danger zone.
--Duane Reade, 14th & 3rd
Overheard by: not in danger zone
Girl on cell: I'm in like the Middle East somewhere... Where are you?
--56th & 7th Ave
Overheard by: dnuggets
Hipster on cell: No, I swear to god I am not in Montreal!
--Outside Alligator Lounge, Williamsburg
Overheard by: miles
Lady yelling into pay phone, by platform: I'm in Yonkers! I'm right by the train!
--W 242 & Broadway, Bronx
Overheard by: Krisztina
Harried guy in suit on his cell: Yeah well, I'm at the Port Authority...I hear this is where the buses leave from.
--Port Authority
Overheard by: JoBell
Screaming man on pay phone: Yo -I told yo ass to meet me on 33rd and 5th. I be standin' here and you ain't here. [Pause.] What the fuck do you mean!? I be on da corner waiting for yo ass for the past fifty minutes. I only get an hour for lunch. Now you gone and messed up my day cuz yo ass ain't show up. [Pauses, speaks more calmly.] I'm on da corner of 33rd and 5th. [Screaming again.] Don't tell me yo ain't see me! I'm standing right here!
--35th & Madison
That's the Biggest Wednesday One-Liner I've Ever Seen on a Man
Worker: ... Just stick it in your pocket. I mean, seven inches isn't bad.
--Grand Central Station
Overheard by: EthanK
Guy: So I tried to set my password to "Penis".
Girl: [...]
Guy: It said my password wasn't long enough.
--66th & Broadway
College kid to girlfriend: You make me feel sometimes like ten inches isn't enough.
--12th St & Broadway
Overheard by: Strand Customer
Asian girl on cell: It's six inches. [Laughs.] Wait... What's six inches?
--CUNY Queensborough
Drunk guy pissing against wall, on cell: I got my dick out at 14th street! Yeah, it's 14 inches!
--Union Square
Wednesday One-Liners Tend to Ramble On
Old man at the bar: Everyday that I wake up and see that my name isn't in the obituaries is a good day.
--Cafe des Artistes Bar
Older woman, to friend: Then we're going to have to do the suntan lotion thing, and that's going to be a nightmare.
--Grand Central Station
Overheard by: EthanK
Pre-teen boy, to friend: Yo, man, there's a lot of old people on this train. I bet they're all wishing they were our age again. Suckers!
--N Train
Overheard by: Hannah
Old lady, to man playing steel drums as she dances along to the music: Shalom! That was awesome, my man!
--1 Train
Overheard by: Courtney Messer
Elderly woman to elderly friends: So then Andy comes down in his bikini, and of course all the old women go crazy...
--56th & 1st Ave
Old lady looking into fancy cafe: Another shithole!
--74th near Broadway
Overheard by: Harriet Vane
Old lady: Geraldine, do you want to come up later and play... With my wireless router!
--Clark & Herny
Overheard by: Lacy
Wednesday One-Liners Snort When They Laugh
Guy to self: Doctor Jean Grey has the most powerful orgasm of all the X-Men.
--Union Square Park
Overheard by: Stan
Engineering school chick, screaming: And I was like, 'Oh my god, this is the worst protractor ever!'
--Columbia University
Skanky hipster chick to another: I would totally do him... But only if I had the ninja outfit on.
--Ludlow St.
[Four NYPD cops are checking people's bags at rush hour. A man in a suit appears to be their superior.]
Man in suit: But then he realizes that Jedis don't seek revenge. [The four cops all nod gravely.]
--W 4th St Subway Station
Overheard by: KL
Fiftyish suit: Chewbacca, the original wingman...
--86th & Lexington
Overheard by: Ike
Woman on cell: I'm busy. I've got things to do. And right now what I'm doing is looking at comic books.
--Forbidden Planet
Overheard by: Josh
Chick: We were always competing to be chief geek... But he had asperger's, so he won.
--Central Park
Please Silence Your Phone During the Wednesday One-Liners
Preppy girl: I really loved that movie. I thought it was titillating... And not just because there was cock and balls. I don't care about that.
--Third Avenue
Guy to self: Brokeback mountain... Starring Hillary Clinton!
--Herald Square Subway Station
Overheard by: Worst Movie Ever
Doofette: I mean like I know it got the Oscar and all, but I thought "No Country for Old Men" was pretty boring. I have to admit though the choreography was amazing.
--SoHo
Thug, peddling pile of DVDs: Ghetto Blockbuster! I am your ghetto Blockbuster! I got movies, CDs, porno. [Another group of customers walks in.] I got that action, comedy, romance and I got that pussy! I am your friendly neighborhood ghetto Blockbuster.
--24 Hour McDonalds, Water & Moore
Overheard by: BigKahuna&BigRed
Creepy hipster: You'd think you can't have sex to "Silence of the Lambs"...
--Huron St, Greenpoint
Overheard by: sweetchuck
Dude on cell: If you like murder, you're gonna love this movie!
--48 Bus
I Recommend You Go South for the Winter
Hobo: Yo man, it's freezing outside! Can I get a shirt?
Teenager with suitcase: No, go away.
Hobo: Come on man, you probably got like ten shirts in there.
Teenager with suitcase: Listen to me bum, you're already wearing ten shirts, you're not getting a shirt.
Bum: My name's Max.
Teenager with suitcase: I'm Peter.
--Penn Station
Obscenity: The Universal Language
Black lady #1: [sign language].
Black lady #2: [sign language].
Black lady #1: [sign language].
Black lady #2: Motherfucker!
--A Train
Because It's a Dirty Job But Somebody's Gotta Do It?
Guido: If Mike Rowe died and you were there... Like if he died from natural causes and just went to sleep and died... Would you have sex with him?
Bitch: Hmm, I mean, I don't know, I'd have to like take a peek.
Guido: You mean you'd look at it?
Bitch: Yeah, maybe touch it.
Guido: But would you have sex with him?
Bitch: Roberto! It wouldn't be hard!
Guido: But what if he got hard and then died... Would you have sex with him?
Bitch: Maybe, but like why do I need to do that when I can just... You know... Ohh nevermind.
Guido: Oohh because you'll be doing all the work anyway? You could just buy a blow up doll.
Bitch: Exactly, so why do I need to hump Mike Rowe's dead body?
--6 Train
Overheard by: wet willy
Then You'll Pass That Chemistry Test for Sure!
Adolescent son to father: I'm worried about the essay section.
Father: Just BS it and you'll be fine. If you're like me you should be pretty good at BS-ing. Just write something like: "The current political situation in blah blah really makes me contemplate the mysteries of life."
--1 Train
Overheard by: bildita
The City Has a Two-Pack Minimum
Well-dressed young black guy: Excuse me sir, do you happen to have a cigarette?
Surfer guy: Motherfucker, you're in New York City. Of course I have a cigarette.
--13th & Broadway
Overheard by: rpk
The Race Is to the Swift, the Slice Is to the Strong
Pizza lady: Next.
[No one responds.]
Pizza lady in loud, harsh voice: Next!
Loud, black girl at the beginning of the line: Okay!
Random NYU student: Wow, the pizza line is rough today.
--NYU Kimmel Center
Ah, the Buckeye State
Brooklyn family court employee: What's your daughter's name?
Mother: Chicago.
Brooklyn family court employee: Like the state?
Mother: Yes.
--Brooklyn Family Court
Really Stinks Up the Oval Office
Dude #1: So how's the child prodigy?
Dude #2: Pretty good... He's starting to roll over now.
Dude #1: Does he fart?
Dude #2: Ohhhh yeah... He does a lot of that.
--N 6th & Bedford, Williamsburg
Crack Is Back/ Food Is Whack
Woman, yelling into cell: Why you gotta be eatin' all my food for? You a damn crackhead, you don't need no damned food!
Woman sitting next to her, shaking his head: Yeah, food is whack.
--M60 Bus
Overheard by: RickyB
Although the Contemporary Cameltoe Makes It Easier Than Ever Before
Dumb teen girl #1: So how did they "almost have sex"?
Dumb teen girl #2: Haha, she said "His dick was like -in my vagina... Except we had clothes on".
Dumb teen girl #1: That's called dry humping. We did that in like - seventh grade!
Dumb teen girl #2: I know.
--1 Train
Overheard by: Lasar
If You Have Unprotected Sex, You May Hear the Pitter-Patter of Tiny Treats
Blond guy: Hey dude, last week I was sooo drunk.
Brown haired guy: Oh what happened?
Blond guy: I was at a bar, right? Pissed drunk. Then I saw this hot girl, took her over to my place and she slept over. We had a great time until we woke up, and the bed was covered in like sixty individually wrapped Kinder chocolates. I have no idea where they came from, neither one of us were German! They were just all over the bed. 'til this day, I still don't know where they came from...
Brown haired: Wow.
--74th St Deli
Overheard by: Stephanie
That's When I Realized He Was a Robot
Young hipster professional: ...I mean, you've seen the signs, right? "If you see something, say something"? ...So I ran to the conductor's car at the next stop and said, "Hey, there's a really suspicious guy in the second car, he's acting strange".
Girlfriend: Oh my god! What did he say?
Young hipster professional: He said, "Stand clear of the closing doors."
--6 Train
You've Got the Wrong Railroad for That, Ma'am
[After being asked for full fare.]
Ghetto woman: No, ma'am! I do not have to pay! Did you forget about Abraham Lincoln in 1856, I mean 1865? He freed the slaves! Guess you forgot!
Assistant conductor: I still need the full fare, ma'am!
Ghetto woman: No, ma'am! I still don't see my reparations! Where's my check?!?! Where's my 40 acres and a mule?!?!
--Metro North
Overheard by: Laughing Whitey
Let's Just Say My Name Used to Be "Bob"
Teen cashier: I'll need to see some ID.
Female shopper: Ok, here you go.
Teen cashier: [Looks at woman's driver's license.] Oh wow, so you're an organ donor?
Female shopper: Yes.
Teen cashier: Oh my god! Which organ did you donate?
--Trader Joe's, Union Square
Overheard by: rko
Who's Doomed to Wander Dark Subway Tunnels for All Eternity
Conductor: This is the shuttle to Times Square. This is not an express train. You are on the shuttle to Times Square, not an express train. Again, this is the shuttle to Times Square... Not an express train. Shuttle to Times Square...
Random thug: Shut the fuck up!
Conductor: ... Not the express train. And for the lovely person who just told me to shut up, I'm in the car right next to you. Merry Christmas to all.
[Short pause.]
Conductor: Except to the kid who told me to shut up.
--Shuttle to Times Square
Overheard by: Suburban Liz
Everything She Knows About It, She Learned from Flashdance
Chick #1: Yea, I have a Bachelor's in Fine Arts...I'm a welder.
Chick #2: A what?
Chick #1: You know, with the mask and the blowtorch and all that.
Chick #2 [waving her hand like a ribbon dancer]: Oooooh, so it's a sport, right?
--G Train
That Would Be the Cherry on My Sundae
[Thuggish teen prances in front of taxi.]
Cabbie: Are you really that poor that you need to walk and get hit by my cab for money?!
Thuggish teen, walking to taxi window: Thats what I do! Mmmhmmm [Eats ice cream slowly at car window.]
--10th St & 2nd Ave
Overheard by: Melissa Anne
The Music Sucks Though
Flamboyant black guy #1: That's what I love about being gay. All these bitches be loving on me so I get them to do my homework.
Flamboyant black guy #2: True.
--Washington Square North
Another Strike and You're Out, Sweetheart
Woman: Hola! Una wheatgrass con ginger... Por favor!
Latina girl behind counter: Excuse me? You wanted what, exactly?
Woman: Ummm... A wheatgrass shot with ginger?
Girl: You do realize we don't have that, don't you?
--Juicy Lucy's, Avenue A
Overheard by: JKS
Can We Do That?
[At a Thurston Moore solo show]
Girl in front of crowd: Thurston, who are you going to vote for?
Thurston Moore: The black dude or the chick. ... Actually, fuck 'em all.
--Knitting Factory
Not the Brightest Bulb
Customer: I don't think onions are vegetables.
Employee: You don't think onions are vegetables? Then what are they?
Customer: I think they should be listed separately, in the onion category.
--PAX, 57th St
Overheard by: Tech Support
Ohioans Have Accents?
Comedy guy: I like your accent. Where you from?
Tourist: Ohio.
Comedy guy: You sound disappointed.
Tourist: Have you ever been to Ohio?
Comedy guy: Good point.
--41st & Broadway
At Least They're Not Pedophile Glasses
Obnoxious Latino #1: Man, that guy was such a faggot! With that mohawk and those gay-ass glasses.
Obnoxious Latino #2: Hey, I'm wearing the same glasses.
[Silence.]
--1 Train
Hey, Ethan Hawke's Made a Career Out of That
Flyer guy, after trying to give suit a flyer: Hey man, nice tie.
Suit turns around: Thanks! Nice! [Looks flyer guy up and down.] Actually, you look like shit.
--71st & Continental, Forest Hills
I'll Have What She's Drinking
Eight-year-old girl drinking margarita: My daddy taught me in kindergarten, if any boys treat me like s-h-i-t, kick them in the dick!
[Five minutes later.]
Eight-year-old girl: I'm gonna kill myself!
--Mexican Restaurant near Union Square
In My Defense, You Are a Very Sir-able Ma'am
Lead singer of The Stitch Ups: What's your name, sir?
Audience member: Samantha.
Lead singer of The Stitch Ups: Holy shit!
--Blender Theater, Gramercy
Overheard by: we thought she was a dude, too...
A Garland's Still a Step Up from a Noose, Though
Woman #1: So our department keeps talking about how much they are trying to promote diversity and understanding of others, but get this, two weeks ago they put up garlands over the door! Like, that is so disrespectful to other religions! It gets better though, the next day they put up a plug-in menorah --somebody must have complained.
Woman #2: Oh...
Woman #1: You're not going to believe this though, just the other day they took down the menorah. How can they be so ignorant of other religions?
Woman #2: Well... Chanukah's over.
--120th & Amsterdam
Especially If She Puts the Toilet Seat Up
NYU undergrad #1: Last night I heard her like just pee for the first time.
NYU undergrad #2: Yeah, the first time you hear a girl pee for the first time it freaks your shit out!
--Waverly & Washington Square North
Everything Monkeys Do Is Gangstrous
Guy #1: That's so gangsta, bro!
Guy #2: What's so gangsta about it? They're just feeding monkeys.
--Bronx Zoo
Overheard by: Angelina Salgado
And Filmed It for the Kids
Male student orientation leader: Hi, did you masturbate today?
Female student orientation leader: Yes, I did!
--Orientation, Baruch College
I've Been Thinking About Getting Out of Mental Illness, Anyway
[A crazy man is running back and forth on the sidewalk and uses a blonde girl to 'hide' behind.]
Blonde: Excuse you!
Crazy man: What, you got a problem?!
Blonde, firmly: Yes. Could you stop being a weirdo around me?
Crazy man: Oh... Sorry. [He then proceeded to walk normally to the crosswalk.]
--57th & 9th
Overheard by: Not around me either
The Appeal Of Perez Hilton's Site: Encapsulated
Female prepster: ... And part of me is totally into really fucked up people with really fucked up problems.
Male prepster: Yeah. Me too. Totally, dude.
--110th & Broadway
Overheard by: Justin Casement
Complimenting My Genitals Does Nothing to Contradict My Argument
Junior high kid: Nice bike, fag!
Guy on moped: Nice prepubescent penis, kid!
--Greenwich Village
Overheard by: Matthew
Instead of Going to a Third-World Country for That Stuff, Like I Do
Queer #1: Dude, I'm so broke! I never have any money!
Queer #2: That's because you buy coke and get your face lasered!
--Vlada
Overheard by: K to tha B
Nothing to Compete With That
Girl #1: What did you do last night?
Girl #2: Wandered around Goldman Sachs with a Sesame Street pillow. You?
Girl #1: Um...
--Tom's Diner, Morningside Heights
Overheard by: Ladle
We Should Stop Hanging Around in Trees
Girl #1: You know how lemmings commit mass suicide?
Girl #2: Yeah, so?
--10th & 1st
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