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We Can Only Enjoy the City Ironically
Boy, looking at table full of cheap souvenirs: Hey mom!
Embarrassed mom: No, those are for tourists. We live here!
--Near Trinity Church
Overheard by: amused tourist
Dude, You're Not Even a Blip on Their Radar Screen
Preppy girl #1: I knew it! I knew it! I told you, I knew it!
Preppy girl #2: Like, oh my god! I knew it, too! I told you I knew it!
Guy, just getting on the train: Like o-m-g, I knew it too!
--R Train
Overheard by: Jenn
We Can Drunk-Dial Daddy at Work!
[Mother and four-year-old boy walking past liquor store]
Mom: So we have to go to Duane Reade and... Oooh! Let's get some wine.
Boy: Yeah!
--115th & Broadway
Your Editors Googled Up 159,000 Hits
Guy #1: There's just no place to go dancing, you know?
Guy #2: You can't find a dance club in New York?
Guy #1: No, it's just not right --I really like to Lindy.
Guy #2: ...
Guy #1: ...
Guy #2: Dude. Where the hell do you learn to Lindy?
--34th & Broadway
Excuse Me While I Savor the Idea of Coke and Strippers
Tall guy: Maybe I should just move to his pad...
Short guy: You can't live with him, you'll never get any work done with all the strippers and piles of coke everywhere. He lives too large for me.
Tall guy: [long pause] Yeeeaaah!
--PATH
Overheard by: green eyed evesdropper
Even If I Am a Cop
Tourist husband with camera: We could ask him. [Points to black man.]
Tourist wife: No, I don't think thats a good idea.
Black man: Listen to your woman, I woulda taken that shit and run!
--Times Square
We're Still Jews Though, Right?
Little boy: ...I met another girl at school who is Mexican!
Mother: Colombian! We're Colombian!
--65th & Riverside
Like the Fingers on a Baseball Glove
Girl #1: That guy over there is so attractive... And he has a huge penis. I can tell from his fingers.
Girl #2: What?
Girl #1: Yeah, you can totally tell what a guy's penis would look like based on their fingers. That's how I knew it hurt when you lost your virginity before you even told me...I saw his fingers.
--1 Train
Some Headlines Write Themselves.
Guy: Snowboarding is better than skiing.
Girl: Yeah, I don't think I would like skiing. I'm just not good at the whole keeping-my-legs-together thing.
--42st Station
Overheard by: BJ
They're Just Listening to iPods, Sweetie
Dad: See, that's why the bus has stopped. Look at all those people getting on the bus.
Little boy: Zombies! They're all zombies! Millions and millions of zombies!
--M15 Bus
What the Inventors of Nickelodeon Gak Were Going For
Girl #1: Is that cum?
Girl #2: Yes, green cum.
--W 47th & 5th
Overheard by: Holly
And Alice Cooper Isn't?
Twentysomething woman #1: When I was younger I thought eyeliner on guys was hot.
Twentysomething woman #2: Eew!
Twentysomething woman #1: No, no, when I was younger. It's like an imaginary unicorn. You think it's so great, but it's not.
Twentysomething woman #2: No way, unicorns are awesome!
--Duane Reade, 14th & 1st
Overheard by: Maianess
Hence Our New Motto: "USPS: Moving Forward"
Anxious woman, running up to counter: The postal truck is blocking my car! I asked him to move and he wouldn't! All he has to do is put the truck in reverse!
Postal worker lady: He don't know how to. Obviously.
--125th St Post Office
We Must Bring This Architectural Concept Home to Tennessee
Southern tourist, looking at opposite platform: Oooh, that's a pretty wall.
Friend: Yeah.
Southern tourist: [Turns around.] There's one on this side, too!
--N Train
Overheard by: Raye
The King of Terrors? I Beg to Differ
Mother, to twelve-year-old daughter: Megan! Get back here!
Four-year-old boy: Mommy, Megan is trying to cross the street cuz she hates you.
Mother, bitterly: No, Megan is trying to cross the street because she wants to get hit by a car.
Four-year-old: If you get hit by a car you'd be dead, then you have to go to the hospital.
Mother, despondent: I don't think you even understand death.
--Broadway
What? My Wife's Not Attractive Enough to Sleep With?
Guy #1: Have you ever slept with my wife?
Guy #2: [laughs]
--19th & 5th
Overheard by: X
If You Want to Know More, Here's My Card
Straight guy: Shit! They're closed. There's no way I'll be able to buy a dildo this late at night.
Guy walking by: Dude, in this city you can definitely find a dildo this late at night.
--13th St & 3rd Ave
Overheard by: Jesse D
Girls Will Analyze Two-Word Conversations Like Jesuit Theologians
Girl #1: Oh my god, did I tell you? Alex called me yesterday! And it wasn't 6 am for once, it was 3 pm!
Girl #2: That's great!
Girl #1: I know. He was like [low voice] "heeeeeeey" and I was like [high voice] "heeeeey!" and it was amazing. Well, not really. But it was so great.
--Starbucks, Washington Square
Only There There's Nothing Else to Do
Drunk guy with thick NY accent: You girls... You girls are visiting the greatest city in the world.
Drunk tourist girls: [giggle.]
Drunk guy with thick NY accent: You wanna know why? You wanna know why this is the greatest city in the world?
Drunk tourist girl #1: Why?
Drunk guy with thick NY accent: 'Cause I can stand right here on the street and ask you to suck my balls.
Drunk girl #1: Um, you can ask us that anywhere.
Drunk girl #2: Yeah... We're from Wisconsin and people there ask us that all the time.
--Thompson and Bleecker
Overheard by: I guess the Cheeseheads are more brazen than we thought
Too Cheap for Plastic Surgery
Girlfriend: Did you see his face?
Boyfriend: Yeah! Weird! He is so creepy!
Girlfriend: He must be Jewish.
--88th & York
Then Why Does He Keep Helping You Win Grammies?
Girl, as she passes out cards: Jesus loves you!
Passerby: Actually, Jesus and I haven't really gotten along since my people killed him. But thanks!
--43rd & Broadway
Neither Do Men-- What's Your Point?
Female office worker: None of those mermaids had nipples.
Male office worker: Well, that's because fish don't nurse!
--Office Building, W 46th St
Overheard by: The Green Cat
The Premature Ejaculators' Society's in New York on Business
British guy #1, weaving through umbrellas: You paid for a good time, not a long time.
British guy #2, sounding disgruntled: Well, I want a refund.
--Outside Bubba Gump Shrimp, Times Square
Overheard by: Mildred and Gertrude
I Won't Even Play It With Janeane Garofalo
Bum: Have a happy Wednesday!
Suit: You too, sir.
Bum: You son of a bitch! That's it; I'm not playing. I'm not playing this game anymore.
--Union Square West
Overheard by: Larry
Everyone from New York to Illinois
Little boy looking on ground while holding toy: Have you seen the golden screw?
Nanny: Oh honey, we're all looking for that.
--Central Park
Overheard by: Let me know when you find it
What Do They Do With the Other One?
Chick: Yeh, they take one of your boobs and turn it into your penis.
Gay guy: That's sooo weird.
--61st & Broadway
Overheard by: Wish I heard more of this one
I Didn't Have the Heart to Correct Her When She Used It in the Garden
NYU smoker chick #1: You know, she doesn't even do it at all.
NYU smoker chick #2: Like never? Wow, no wonder she's so unhappy.
NYU smoker chick #1: Yeah, that's what I said! I even bought her a vibrator, but she won't use it!
NYU smoker chick #2: Really?
NYU smoker chick #1: Yeah, it was cute and everything. It looks like a flower. It was called the petal pleaser.
--NYU, University Place
I'm Beginning to Regret Teaching You That Word, Granny
Girl: I saw that movie when it came out, The Passion of the Christ.
Grandma: What movie?
Girl: The Passion of the Christ. You haven't heard of it?
Grandma: Yes, but I'm not interested in watching it. Mel Gibson produced it.
Girl: Oh. So it's a principle thing.
Grandma: No. It's an I-don't-like douchebaginess thing.
--JFK Airport
Your Editors Suggest You Read Overheard in New York With a Friend
Hipster: Why are you playing Tetris when you have me to talk to?
Friend, still playing: Shhhh.
Hipster: [Closes friend's phone.]
Friend, looking up: Things like that break up friendships.
--Broadway & Lafayette
Overheard by: Jer
So Was 'Dyke Cunt', but Who's Counting?
Chick #1: You were way too hard on my dad back there.
Chick #2: I know, I'm sorry... I just get so heated.
Chick #1: Still, "homophobic asshole" is a little harsh, don't you think?
--Park Row
Great --Now I Have to Throw Up
Little girl: I'm going to throw up.
Mother: You can throw up when we get off the train.
Little girl: [pauses] I love you, mommy.
--N Train
Overheard by: Rachel
It's the Best AA Meeting in Midtown
Alleged heterosexual Male #1: I ended up doing a body shot of tequila off of Peter...
Alleged heterosexual Male #2: That's not the point.
--57th St
Let's Just Say It Was Truly a "Wonder Emporium"
Dumb girl: Oh my god! I just can't concentrate ...I need a bag of chips in order to listen to you.
Bimbette: Except I just had sex in the movie theater.
Dumb girl: Really!? What did you watch?
--Hunter College
Overheard by: Este
Kosher Cheetos Now!
[several jews are chanting and marching in times square, waving yellow flags.]
Guy #1: What are they protesting?
Guy #2: I don't know. It's in hebrew.
--Times Square
Headline by: Q6
Runners-Up:
· "At Least They're Supporting the Troops" - Eli
· "They're Saying, "Can You Believe the Yellow Ones Were 50% Off?"" - seven5suited
Click here to see the new Headline Contest
Cop: Ma'am, I Have a Warrant for Your Assumption
Girl #1: [crying]
Girl #2: Sorry, when I see a women crying in a pharmacy I just assume she is pregnant.
--400 W 58th St
Overheard by: Tex117
Let's Pray It's Not Another Mannequin Sequel
Frat boy #1: Dude! Look at that girl in that store... She's checkin' me out.
Frat boy #2: Dude, that's a mannequin!
Frat boy #1: Oh.
--Rockefeller Center
Overheard by: Michelle
Luckily That's a Badge of Honor in the Gay Community
Gay guy #1: I'm not sure how big he was...?
Gay guy #2: All I know is that when a guy is that big, the next day I have such bad flatulence and diarrhea, it's ridiculous...
--A Train
Overheard by: brainygirl
Wednesday One-Liners Keep Our City Afloat (Unfortunately)
Bossy, fanny-pack-wearing tourist lady: No, no... That map is wrong. We want Broadway and it's ... That way! [Points emphatically toward 8th avenue and storms away.]
--West 47th b/w Broadway & 8th Avenue
Overheard by: tinyfoo
Tourist, whispering to friend: There are a lot of Jewish people in here.
--B&H Photo
Tourist girl: Dad! Look! It's Times Square! Walk this way.
--Rector St & Broadway
Overheard by: Jax
Tourist lady peering in shop window: Ooooh, calendars! Ooooh, t-shirts! Oh, we're gonna have to come back here!
--48th & Broadway
Overheard by: Rose Fox
Tourist: Oh honey, look at this purse I bought! It's a real coach bag and it was so cheap. I bought it on Canal street. You should see all of the Gucci, Prada, and Louis Vuitton they've got. I can't believe you can get the real thing for so cheap.
--Times Square
Overheard by: Johanna
Tourist, in disbelief: People are buying shoes at 11 o'clock at night!
--33rd & Seventh
Overheard by: Gasp!
Wednesday One-Liners With Leather Patches on Their Elbows
Professor, matter of factly: In next week's film you will see a cock. And it will ejaculate. I hope that's okay with you all.
--Cantor Film Center, NYU
Professor: I guess I can't trust you guys to write papers on something scandalous. Good thing I brought a pornographic film for later.
--Manhattan Campus, Pratt Institute
Overheard by: Norma Desmond
Contracts professor: So do you think Paris Hilton is a sucker?
--Brooklyn Law School
Professor to class, as he writes on board: ...Moro Islamic Liberation Front, known for its acronym. [A few students get it and laugh.]
--Fordham University, Rose Hill
Overheard by: Krisztina one of the first to laugh
Professor: On this index card I'd like you all to write your name and major, as well as your career fantasies. I say career fantasies because when you graduate I'll see you paying off your loans working at the kwik-e-mart.
--St. John's University
Overheard by: Erum
Korean professor: Here's how you calculate the intercept shit...
--NYU
English professor: You will find that English critical theory is the key to understanding not only literary perspectives, but also everything on YouTube.
--Fordham University
Overheard by: sromeo
Wednesday One-Liners Will Kick Your Ass at Beer Pong
Frat boy on cell: Next time this happens, just grab him by the penis and drag him into bed.
--Grand Central
Frat boy: I mean, STDs are nothing to worry about. There are more Pokemon than there are STDs!
--Bryant Park
Overheard by: Pikachu
Enthusiastic frat boy: Sure, sure, but back in history when there were no diseases...
--57th Street & 8th
Overheard by: Rose Fox
Frat boy on cell: If I were him, I'd tell her to get her boobs put in too, as long as she's already under.
--Mercer & 8th
Incensed frat-type dude on cell: Dude! I didn't fingerbang your sister in Tijuana! I'm not a snake like that. I fingerbanged her in Cancun, so it was on American soil... And you were in the next bed. Tell me you don't remember any of this?!
--NR Train
A Wednesday for Breakfast, a One-Liner for Lunch, and a Sensible Dinner
Dancer girl: I dunno, I mean, like, I wish they made a size like, triple zero, so I would have something to look forward to, y'know?
--Central Park
Man: Yeah, that's how you gain weight: a backed-up colon. I cleaned mine out this weekend.
--B54 Bus
Overheard by: Alma Molato
Old woman, very loudly, in the middle of the movie: Boy, is she skinny!
--Movie theater, 86th Street b/w 2nd & 3rd
Overheard by: The New York Crank
Girl on cell: If bitch can't afford to buy her own groceries, she can just get skinny!
--Green Village Used Clothing, Bushwick
Anorexic fashionista: Any self-respecting anorexic knows that!
--Lincoln Center, 62nd & 9th
Man on cell: You went to a party last night? Well, that means you have to do three hours tomorrow. And I want you to drink lots of water, but none of that crystal light crap. That is seven calories that you do not need.
--Blockbuster, Broadway
Wednesday Doing-Liners
Socialite-in-training: So all I had in this stupid bar in Las Vegas is a vodka tonic and a whiff of cocaine and before I know it I'm making out with a guy that I distinctly remember saying "I don't like you" to. Yeah... That happened a lot this summer...
--116th & Broadway
Yuppie: I'm in fucking Penn station, I don't know if it's fucking snowing outside. I hope six falls up my nose tonight.
--Penn Station
Student on cell: I mean, I could say there are people going into finance doing lines of coke on a Monday night and here I am, doing work.
--114th b/w Broadway & Amsterdam
Kid, walking out of middle school: Man, I could really use some cocaine!
--East Village
Model to friend about styling team: Yo, before I knew they were from California, I thought they were on coke...
--Crwon Heights
Overheard by: Cuttie
Yuppie to friend: No, seriously. He's not a jerk at all. He's a cokehead. You'll love him.
--Essex & Rivington
Cirrhosis of the Wednesday One-Liners
Hot chick dragging male companion: But you'll like it this time, you were drunk yesterday...
--19th & 8th
Disheveled homeless woman: Fuck that shit! I'm looking for a real drunk!
--42nd & 9th
Overheard by: Mike
Man on bike, swerving down street: Look out, get out of the way! Drunk driver coming through!
--Washington Square East and Washington Place
Overheard by: Out of the way!
Appreciative preppy girl: Even though he's a thug and a drunk, he's a real intellectual.
--Art Fair at the Armory
Overheard by: Gina Beavers
Drunk guy about to chug: This reminds me of middle school. Got to get the 40 down before second period!
--Stan's, Bronx
Young woman on cell: No, I do not need to get drunk more often, stop saying that mom!
--Union Square
Overheard by: McCrum
Wednesday One-Liners Don't Care If You're Listening
Conductor, speaking in a robot voice: Watch the gap, watch the gap, watch the gap, watch the gap, watch the gap, watch... Sorry, my finger fell off the button. Watch the gap.
--LIRR
Train conductor: This is a Brooklyn-bound A experience to Lefferts boulevard. Have an optimistic day!
--A Train
Overheard by: soothed passenger
Conductor, in droll voice: For the fifteenth million time, there is train traffic ahead.
--1 Train
Conductor: This is 207th street, the last and final stop. Please collect all your personal belongings and leave the train. Goodnight and happy wabbit season.
--A Train
Overheard by: Rose Fox
Conductor: Thank you for riding on the C line, the best subway line in the whole, wide world.
--C Train
Overheard by: traPt
Conductor: If you want to get off at South Ferry, please go to the first five cars of the train. All passengers getting off at South Ferry, please move along the platform to the first five cars of the train. Yes, the front of the train is the direction the train was moving.
--1 Train
Conductor: We apologize for the delay, but this happens on the weekends. For info on service changes log onto www.mta.info. If you don't have a computer, watch NY1, if you don't have a TV, listen to 1010 Wins, if you don't have a radio, call 718-330-1234, if you don't have a phone, go home and wait for a miracle.
--N Train
Overheard by: subway rider
Which Came First, Wednesday, or the One-Liner?
Girl: As long as I don't get that anthrax thingy I'm cool with the chicken.
--Elevator 112 west 34th st
Overheard by: Rebecca
Five-year-old: Why do babies look like chickens?
--Nederlander Theatre
Overheard by: Jordan
Man explaining menu to wife: You know fried chicken: the chicken with the crust.
--Virgils BBQ, 44th St
Overheard by: fish
Teacher, after seeing one of her seven-year-old students smell an empty subway seat: Sienna, there are 10,000 people a day sitting in that very seat. What do you think it would smell like? Chicken?
--F Train
Overheard by: Marlene Saunders
Woman to man: Everyone loves when you throw the chicken.
--Court & Joralemon, Brooklyn Heights
'I' Before 'E', Except After 'C', or in Wednesday One-Liners
Guy on cell: Yeah, it's weird, it feels like I'm still alive.
--W 8th & Broadway
Guy: I still think surprise necrophilia is weird.
--Robert Louis Stevenson School
Overheard by: Lucas
Man to woman companion: I hate single people. They're all weird.
--90th b/w 2nd & 3rd
Man on cell: February is a weird month for Jews.
--9th St. and 3rd Ave
Overheard by: Hannah
Trader Joe's employee to another: No, I would not call her weird. It takes a lot for me to call somebody else weird because I am not the most normal person on the planet myself. Meow!
--Trader Joe's, Union Square
Overheard by: Ingwall
Observant girl: Just because you get weird haircuts doesn't mean you're smart.
--Bowery & Rivington
And How Do Wednesday One-Liners Make You Feel?
Mother, to crying four-year-old trying to grasp her hand: If you don't stop this behavior you are going to have to see a psychiatrist. [Child keeps at tantrum] This behavior is excessive and abnormal, and I don't have the patience for it.
--Washington G Station
Stern bimbette: No. My fave dead therapist said that I need to make sure that I surround myself with people who are nice to waiters and their moms.
--Court Street & Joralemon, Brooklyn
NYU chick, calmly: So then I just had a teeny little breakdown!
--West 4th St
Woman on cell: So where are you? [pause] Is that "Therapy" the bar or therapy therapy?
--Manhattan Plaza Gym, 43rd St
Girl on cell: Don't you think I'm a psycho? [pauses, laughs] Why not?
--Bedford and North 7th
20-something homo: Scientology is just like therapy except without the stigma of therapy.
--52nd & 9th
Overheard by: Trey Givens
We're Bringin' Wednesday One-Liners Back
African tourist: All New Yorkers are sexy! That's why I love this city. Everywhere I go, sexy. The cops, the people...
--Broadway & Chambers St.
Metro newspaper guy: Hey sexy man, take a metro and be a lot sexier!
--34th & 7th
Overheard by: Dora Watson
Loud freshman boy, entering cafeteria with more freshmen: And she pinched my nipple, but it was sexy!
--Edward R. Murrow High School
Overheard by: Kris S.
Student commenting on a painting of Mary and Jesus by Raphael: In this painting Mary has a little more of a...I don't know, sexual aura. Her face is more narrow, I can kind of see her breast. She has her leg bent in a sexy way kind of like saying "I'm not a virgin anymore".
--Columbia University Art Humanities Class
Overheard by: Going to Hell
Skanky mom to three-year-old son: Hey sexy!
--Central Park
Overheard by: riana
Businesswoman to another: Who's your sexy hoe?
--33rd St & Park
Tween girl with science textbook: You don't understand cloning? Okay, let me tell you about it. It's sexy as hell... [later] I stayed after class to get him to teach me about meiosis and it was really hot. I got so horny!
--F Train
Wednesday One-Liners Could Do With a Cuddle
30-something woman to female friend: I'm so happy to see you! I haven't had sex in a couple of months, except for a few straight girls.
--Carroll Gardens
Smoking chick on cell: I haven't had sex yet either...I'll let you know.
--1020 bar, 110th & Amsterdam
Overheard by: Ladle
Nilla wafer-eating chick: I don't even understand why people have sex anymore!
--Columbia University
Guy yelling at a woman: Lady! Stop asking, I'm not having sex with you!
--34th & 6th
Guy on cell: Oh my god, do I need to say it? Fine! I promise I won't try to put my penis in you. Okay?
--Avenue C
Overheard by: lingling
Guy on cell: That's the thing about sex, it's all in your head anyway.
--Union Square West
Overheard by: brita bit
Because When I Wasn't at the Library I Was Having Sex
Girl #1: Again? That's twice this week.
Girl #2: Yeah, I really think I am a nymphomaniac.
--3rd Ave & 60th St
What Happened with the Aerobics Instructor?
Guy #1: Hey, new laptop?
Guy #2: Yeah, mine died over the weekend so I picked it up. It's pretty slick, and check this out: two headphone jacks.
Guy #1: Wow, that is pretty cool.
Guy #2: Yeah, now all I need is a girlfriend...
--NYU, Warren Weaver Hall
Be Sure to Take Pictures for Me!
Girl, handing phone to gay Asian friend: Here, talk to John.
Gay Asian friend: Hi, John... Are you naked? [pause] What? You are naked? In this weather?! Damn, man, your thing must be as small as a peanut by now!
--Borders Bookstore, 100th & Broadway
Overheard by: Stunned and literate
It Was a Danielle Steel Novel, But This Works Every Time
Creepy guy: I like your hat.
Girl reading: Thanks.
Creepy guy: Do you have the time?
Girl reading: Sure. 6:30.
Creepy guy: Can I ask what your book is about?
Girl reading: Female circumcision.
Creepy guy: No, can I ask what your book is about?
Girl reading: Female circumcision.
Creepy guy: Are you serious?!
Girl reading: Yeah.
Creepy guy: You enjoy that.
Girl reading: Thanks, I will.
--Q Train
What'd You Say? I Was Busy Looking at Asses
Guy #1: I love the spring time.
Guy #2: Man, you like looking at asses.
--Harlem
Overheard by: Evans Tucker
It's Maryland's Slutty Big Sister
California girl: Where are you from?
Jersey girl: New Jersey. You?
California girl: California.
Jersey girl: Oh, wow! I like California. It's nice. California is like an exciting version of Maryland.
--Lincoln Center
Overheard by: Chiara
Always Have a Safe Word When You Roleplay 'Girl Who'd Rather Be Sleeping'
Girl #1: I'm so pissed, I didn't even get to sleep last night.
Girl #2 tries to whisper back: It's not his fault, why didn't you complain when he was doing it to you.
[elevator goes silent]
--Empire State Building
Overheard by: Chelsea B.
Underrated?
Student: Have you seen the show Freaks and Geeks?
Dean: Yes. It reminds me of all of you!
--Bard High School Early College
Now on to "Mary Had a Little Cab"
Toddler in grocery cart seat: Do you know any songs?
Toddler in adjacent grocery cart seat (singing): I've been working of the F train, all the live long day, I've been working on the F train just to pass the time away; can't you hear the whistle blowing, rise up so early in the 'morn, can't you hear the captain shouting, "stand clear of the closing doors!"
--Food Coop, Park Slope
Overheard by: Brooklyn, Baby!
Now My Ears Burn When I Pee.
NYU girl, to girl with earplugs: Ew! He put those in his ears and now they're in yours?!
Girl with earplugs: ...He put his penis in my vagina...
--4th & Astor
Overheard by: claire
Headline by: Tim Ferlito
Runners-Up:
· "Five More Orifices: Just Think Of the Possibilities!" - sim etrias
· "Granted, the Earplugs Go in Deeper..." - flippin
· "Haven't You Heard Of Hearing AIDS?" - Constant Irritant
· "He Gives Good Aural Too." - Rick Felice
· "Not Just His Earwax, But the Earwax Of Every Girl He's Ever...." - Matt
· "Wax On, Whacks Off" - NJ
Click here to see the new Headline Contest
Well What If They Made Movies Of Books?
Guy #1: The reason people don't read enough is because there's too many other forms of media that are more interesting. Why is some kid gonna pick up a book when he can watch one of the thousands channels on TV? That's it! There needs to be a channel about books!
Guy #2: There is a channel about books. It's called Book TV. It's boring as hell.
Guy #1: Oh.
--Near Baruch College, 23rd St
Spoken Like Someone Who's Never Shopped at H&M
Teen girl: She said money don't grow on trees but yeah it do. Money made of paper, paper made from trees.
20-something-guy: Actually, US currency is printed on cotton.
Teen boy: Cotton?
20-something-guy: Yeah, they use denim, like jeans.
Teen girl: My jeans don't be rippin like money, they using some low grade shit.
--Staten Island Mall Bus Stop
Overheard by: ryn
The Good News: You Can Do Pretty Much Anything on the Subway Without the Locals Giving a Shit
Young college girl #1: So she said to do Kegel exercises when you are on the subway.
Young college girl #2: That makes sense. When you're on the subway no one knows you are doing them!
Young college girl #3: [tries to wrap legs over head] Is this how you do them? Wait, aren't they supposed to make you tighter?
--E Train
Overheard by: I do them at work
And You're Not the Only One
Girl: I need to get something for my boyfriend for valentine's day. I'm thinking of some panties and an outfit from Victoria's Secret. What do you think?
Boy: That's nice. I like dirty panties. Hanes tighty whities for women. I like them real dirty and crusty lookin', like she just rolled around in some shit.
Girl: You nasty! What's wrong with you?
Boy: Don't be hatin', that's what I like.
--R Train
Overheard by: Chris
And "Hot" Just Means "Not Cold Yet"
Older looking woman to younger one: That guy was so hot. I'd love to go out with him.
Younger woman: Are you kidding? He was really old! Like 70!
Older woman: So what? I am 65!
--57th & 3rd
Overheard by: Rachel Kurst
Nor Would God.
Homeless guy: God is love and love is god! Give me money! Love like god does!
[five minutes later]
Homeless guy: God is love and love is god! Give me money! Love like god does!
Passenger: I'll pay you to shut up.
Homeless guy: How much? I won't accept less than ten dollars.
--F Train
Don't Give Me None of That "Light Through Yonder Breaks" Shit, Neither
Crazy bag lady on the l train: It is the winter of our discontent!
Ghetto girl #1: I dunno what you talkin' bout. It's content up in this motherfuckin' winter. Maybe your ass would be contenter if you got a job.
Ghetto girl #2: Girl, shut up. You ain't got no job either.
--L Train
Overheard by: ForniKate
Until You Promise to Stop Washing with Hot Pepper Sauce
Girl #1: It's not a date. We're just going to a show. It's like if you and me went.
Girl #2: Except he's not black and short like me.
Girl #1: And I love him.
Girl #2: You love me too.
Girl #1: I don't want to suck on parts of your body.
--Madison Square Park
People Who Live in New Jersey Should Not Throw Stones
Drunk fan: Martin Brodeur fucked his sister-in-law.
Sober pisser: That's worse than OJ Simpson.
Drunk fan: Yeah, he's French Canadian.
--Madison Square Garden bathroom
Overheard by: TrueBlue
That's Not What You Said on the 1 Train
Six-year-old blonde girl with a Hanna Montana purse: Daddy, it's so dark, isn't this romantic?
Dad, nervously looking around: No, this is the farthest thing from romantic.
--7 Train
Remember When I Pulled a Nutcracker on My Boyfriend?
Woman #1: Girl, you best shut yo' mouf!
Woman #2: If y'all don't shut it imma beat yo' ass with one of these ballerina pumps!
--W 61st St
...While Eating Ribs
Girl: What do you mean, you like her? Like, you-want-to-bone-her like-her?
Guy: Could you please not say that!?
--NYU Kimmel Student Center
Overheard by: A. Haven
I Was Filled with the Holy Spirit --Until I Peed.
20-something girl: ... And then he drank the holy water, wait, no. I drank the holy water, and he got sick, but I didn't.
20-something guy: Did it cure your gout?
20-something girl, angrily: I don't have the gout!
--Crowded Elevator, Atlantic Ave Station, Brooklyn
Overheard by: Tigertail
It's Not a Party 'til Steve and Lucky Show Up
Bald white guy: You know Steve, right?
Asian woman: Steve? Who's Steve?
Bald white guy: Oh, he's the gay guy with the three-legged dog.
--43rd & 9th
In Cute Poses!
Old man #1: It was uplifting.
Old man #2: Dead babies?
--Cranberry Cafe
Overheard by: Jordan
Don't Bite the Hand That Steers You
Bus driver, on loudspeaker: If your stop is Main street, please get off here.
Punk high school kid in back of bus: Fuckin' asshole!
Bus driver, on loudspeaker: Yo mama.
--Q88 Bus
Overheard by: quite amused
And They'd Be Pouring Margaritas for Everyone
[guy slips on snowy steps, falls down]
Old man: Oh, are you okay?
[guy gets up, walks away]
Old woman: If this were Dartmouth, they'd have salted this by now, you know.
--Columbia University
Overheard by: Greg T
Hmm, According to This, It's a Musical
Guy: Wait, what part of New York is Chicago in?
Girl: What?! Chicago isn't in New York! Chicago is its own state.
Guy: No, it's not a state! It's called the "windy city."
Girl: Oh, right. I guess it is in New York then.
Guy: Yeah.
Girl: Hang on, I'll look it up on my blackberry.
--Fordham University
But the Arachnid Look Was Kinda Last-Season
Tacky girl #1: These shoes are too cute! [Points to a pair of shiny, patent leather heels.] Aren't they totally cute?
Tacky girl #2: Yeah. So cute.
Tacky girl #1: So great... They're like shiny little spider claws!
--Clothing Boutique, Greenwich Village
Overheard by: Amy
It's a Universal Recognition Symbol
Guy #1, shouting: We're in the Village!
Guy #2: The Village?
Guy #1: We're in the Village!
Guy #2: Ok... The Village...
Guy #1: So if someone grabs your dick, you know what it means!
--West 4th St Station
Overheard by: DS
...If He Knows What's Good for Him
Loud girl #1: I don't wanna go, what if I cheat on my boyfriend?
Loud girl #2: Whatever, he won't care. He's fat, he'll get over it.
--Outside Pace University
Overheard by: Aaron
No Drug Cures That
Girl: I think it's because he's a drug addict.
Boy: No it is not! I know a lot of drug addicts, and they are nice! He's just an asshole.
--Epoca, Fort Greene
Reports of Mr. Hefner's Bedroom Activities Have Been Greatly Exaggerated
Store clerk with thick accent: Condoms? Which one?
Old man: No! Cough drops! Cough drops!
Store clerk: Condoms? [points at condom boxes]
Old man: Look at me... What the heck do I need condoms for!? Cough drops!
--Port Authority
Overheard by: Renz
I Hope You Don't Think I'm a Hobosexual
[hobo walks into the train with bag in cart]
Drunk queer standing behind hobo: Move it or lose it.
Hobo: Who the fuck is that?!
Queer: Queen Victoria.
Hobo: I'm a marine, I'll fucking kill you.
Queer: Let me know when you get your VA check, I'll help you spend it.
Hobo: Yeah, sure I'll do that.
Queer: In Central Park.
Hobo: I'll call you.
Queer: My number's 444-332. Call me at that number.
Hobo: I won't call you.
[they get off the train giggling]
--A train, Columbus Circle
Overheard by: JohnD
My Other Option Is to Be Baked Into the Wedding Cake
White guy talking about his ex-girlfriend: Then she was like "Oh, I'm getting married. I want you to be part of my wedding." She was like "You can be my brides-man."
Even whiter friend: What? Like a groom?
White guy: No! A brides-man.
--6 Train
Overheard by: playtoe
My Daughter Licks the Screen Whenever We Turn on the Cooking Channel
Guy: Is there such a thing as too hi-res?
Girl: Yea, it's called real life.
--16th St & 5th Ave
Overheard by: John Fischetti
So You Don't Countess
Dreadlocked sales clerk: What I need is a bronze princess.
Latina sales clerk: I'm bronze.
Dreadlocked sales clerk: Yeah, but you ain't a princess.
--Billionaire Boys Club, SoHO
Overheard by: Russ Wall
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