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40's of Old English?
Chick #1: I'm nostalgic for the '40s.
Chick #2: You can't be nostalgic for an era you never lived through.
Chick #1: Fine. Then I long for the '40s to the very depth of my soul.
Chick #2: From your loins?
Chick #1: Yes. My loins... They long for the '40s.
--Herald Square
Wasn't "Jesus" His Stage Name, Anyway?
Girl #1: She asked us once if Jesus had a last name.
Girl #2: Oh. [Pauses.] Wait, I know this one.
--Penn Station
Yet I'm Oddly Hungry
Woman in elevator: So then he just bit off the hamster's head.
Man in elevator: That's gross.
Woman in elevator: I'm telling you. That's what happens when you don't feed babies. They just bite off hamsters' heads and eat them. It's disgusting.
Man just entering elevator: This is so disturbing.
--Elevator, Ripley-Ggrier Studios
Overheard by: a poor victim of this conversation
Better Not Make Her My Happy Place
Girl yuppie: Isn't it crazy how rapidly presidents age over eight years?
Guy yuppie: Oh I know, all the stress.
Girl yuppie: If Hil wins president, she's gonna be a hot mess.
Guy yuppie: She'll look like Margaret Thatcher after three months!
--Metro North
Overheard by: Sromeo
At the Rationalization Quarterfinals
Insurance guy #1: Man, I love this weather!
Insurance guy #2: Yeah, I love global warming... That's why I drive an SUV. We're tropical animals, we're supposed to be in tropical weather!
--25th St & Madison Ave
Exactly.
Four-year-old girl, jubilantly: The letter y!
Father: Z.
Four-year-old girl: Good-bye.
Father: Four.
Four-year-old girl: What?
Father: Yes.
--Times Square
Overheard by: Christin
I Save That Kind Of Talk for Our Appointments with Mistress Stephanie
[A couple are looking in the mirror.]
Man: Why don't you ever say anything when my glasses are all wonky?
Woman: Say anything?
Man: Yeah, like you wonky cunt.
--Bloomingdale's, 3rd Ave
Would Also Help Solve the Problem of What to Put in My Video-Will
Old man: By this time of day, my left buttcheek always starts hurting! Not the right one, just the left one. In the morning I feel fine, but by the afternoon... It hurts!
Old lady: I don't know what to tell you, Earl. Maybe you need to shake it more.
--Bay Terrace
Overheard by: Sov
The Day Dad Realized Kids Don't Get Sarcasm
Little boy holding a box of cupcakes: Dad, I need money.
Dad: Just run.
--Magnolia Bakery
Overheard by: Mike
Is This the One Where She Wears a Hat Made of Fruit?
[Just before the curtain rises on the opera Carmen.]
Guy: Do you know the show?
Girl: Uh-uh.
Guy: It's sooo sad. Like Rent.
Girl: Oooh. Wow.
--The Met
...5, 6, 7, 8...!
Red-faced toddler in stroller: Nooooo!
Dad: Once more, with feeling!
--82nd & 2nd
Overheard by: Jamie
Don't Even Try a Body Shot With Them
Girl one: I hate going to a bar with pregnant girls, it's so boring.
Girl two: Yeah.
Gorl one: It's even worse when you go with pregnant girls that drink.
--Rockefeller Center
Way More Lifelike Than the Actual Elizabeth
Little girl, pointing at Andy Warhol portrait of Marilyn Monroe: Mommy, who's that lady?
Mom: That's Elizabeth Taylor, honey.
Little girl: Oh, hello, Elizabeth.
--The Moderne Hotel, 55th & Broadway
Dr. Obvious Seizes Any Chance to Demonstrate Her Expertise
Four-year-old cute tourist girl: Mommy, people are different in New York!
Tourist mom: They're all fuckin' crazy.
--Union Square
Overheard by: Natasha G
So Beautiful, So Incomprehensible
Sober Londoner: Did you just have a civilized conversation?
Very drunk Londoner: No, I was talking to some Australian girl.
--Eight Mile Creek
Overheard by: Adam Scholem
Could You Call Ahead to the Pro-Choicers on 6th?
Environmentalist giving out fliers: Excuse me sir, do you care about helping our environment?
Man: Oh no thank you, I'm a Republican.
--14th & 5th
Overheard by: Dave
So It's Guaranteed You'll Fall Asleep Right Afterwards
Hipster guy trying to make out with hipster girl: Come on baby, I swear I'm not drunk.
Exasperated hipster girl: Oh my god, I didn't say you're drunk, I said you have mono.
--Friday Night Bar Crawl, West 4th St
I Worried She'd Never Develop Man-Boobs
Male professor #1: Your daughter is starting to look like you.
Male professor #2: That's comforting.
--NYU
Overheard by: ann
We'll Never Understand the Stay Puf't Marshmallow Man's Appeal
Teenybopper twelve-year-old #1: He was cute and all, but not oozing or anything.
Teenybopper twelve-year-old #2: Oh no honey, he was definitely oozing. He was hot.
--R Train
Overheard by: Fareesa
Well We Do Have to Determine There Was No Foul Play
PetCo employee: If your goldfish dies within the first fifteen days, you can return it for a full refund.
Customer: Do I bring back the corpse?
--Union Square PetCo
Overheard by: Jenny
More Legal Troubles for Zsa Zsa Gabor
Woman: So... After she took the banana, the monkey just up and slapped her! Can you believe that?
Man: What did she do?
Woman: What do you think she did? She slapped that bitch right back!
--JFK Airport
What Self-Respecting New Yorker Can't Distinguish Between a Pothead and a Crackhead?
White trash girl, looking out of bus window: Look at Ed*. He looks like a fucking lumberjack. He needs a shave.
White trash guy: That Ed* -he's a fucking crackhead.
White trash girl: I thought he smoked pot?
White trash guy: Crack, pot -what's the difference?
Hipster guy sitting behind them: Excuse me, I'm Ed*'s best friend. He's definitely a pothead. He never does crack. But he does look like a lumberjack.
--Q54 Bus
No Way You're Getting All Ten McNuggets in There
[In the next stall.]
Chick #1: I can't get it in it! It hurts!
Chick #2: Lift up your leg and try again!
Chick #1: Dude! It's not gonna fit! It hurts too much!
Chick #2: Here, let's try the third one.
--McDonald's Restroom
Overheard by: Slowly walking out the door
Is That Any Creepier Than a Store with a Hair Salon for Dolls?
Child with doll in tow: Mommy, I really want Mia.
Park avenue mom #1: Well, maybe. Wouldn't it be cool if they just sold the heads?
Park Avenue mom #2, poking head out of stall: What?
Park Avenue mom #1: Like, if they just sold Julie's head, or Addy's head?
--American Girl Store Bathroom
Overheard by: Layla
And the Ensuing Blowjob Happened Organically
Guy #1: My friend hit my balls so I tackled him to the ground and grabbed his nuts. That's not gay, right?
Guy #2: No, he hit you first.
Guy #1: I mean, it's not like I was crushing grapes or anything, he hit me in the nuts! What was I supposed to do!?
--NYU Bus
Overheard by: totallynotgay
And I Don't Think That Accurately Describes Blinking
Girl #1: He really said that, "making gravy"?
Girl #2: Yeah! About a bodily function!
--Union Square
I Grudgingly Obey the Laws of This Godless Democracy
Middle East man, exiting his vendor cart: But I miss you!
Retreating American woman: You have, like, five wives and three girlfriends.
Middle East man: No! I do not!
--13th & 5th
Overheard by: Colleen
This Just Prepares Them For Wives of Their Own
Mother, to her kids: Now here's what you do -you go into the store, give the receipt to the cashier, and buy something else.
[Kids leave.]
Mother, to herself: You are not getting me a mop for mother's day, no sir.
--6th Ave
Overheard by: J.R.
And That's Why He's Homeless
Bum: Give me a dollar!
Guy: I'll give you two dollars!
Bum: Give me a dollar.
Guy: I'll give you two dollars!
Bum: You'll give me two dollars?
Guy: On Friday.
Bum: No. Give me a dollar.
Guy: Hey, I'll give you five dollars on Friday if you give me a dollar right now.
Bum: You want me to give you money?
Guy: A dollar. Right now. For five on Friday.
[Bum walks away.]
--Penn Station
Overheard by: Andy
And to Have One's Reese's Eaten
Girl #1: So after all that, can' t you understand why I'm pretty much a full-fledged lesbian now?
Girl #2: In a way, but I think you could still be into guys. I have a hard time believing you don't have feelings for Jarrod.
Girl #1: No, I really don't. That's done.
Girl #2: I totally support you. I just think, you know, there's more than one way to eat a Reese's.
Girl #1: Exactly.
--Metro North
Overheard by: ianbobian
John Goodman Would Retaliate Later in Life
Little boy: I want a Cinnabon for breakfast!
Dour mom: Now, Matthew, let me ask you a question. How many grams of sugar does a Cinnabon have?
Little boy, dejectedly: Seven.
Dour mom: And how many grams of sugar are you allowed to eat at breakfast?
Little boy: Fiiiive.
Dour mom: Well then, don't you think... [they go out of hearing range]
--5 Train
Overheard by: Jonathan Harford
Where Menstruating Openly on Subway Platforms Is the Final Taboo
Man: [Really disgusting burp.]
Friend: That's gross.
Man: That's not gross. You eat, you shit, you burp, you fart. Welcome to New York, ladies.
--Shop, Chinatown
Now Cover Your Eyes While I Disintegrate That Nice Waitress
Little boy: But how do I know you're not part of the Martian menace?
Dad, deadpan: You don't.
--110th & Amsterdam
Overheard by: Alexandra
Michelangelo Always Was Too Sensitive About David.
Guy #1: Oh yeah, let's all take a picture of the big fucking stone thing because it's really old!
Arsty guy: Shut up, asshole.
--the met
Headline by: Eddie
Runners-Up:
· "Geologically Speaking, It's a Young Fucking Stone Thing." - Peter Manther
· "Hmmm, Maybe I Shouldn't Have Stabbed My Etiquette Coach" - Jimmy
· "Mick Visits the Met" - bb
· "No One Likes Sightseeing With Frank Gehry Anymore" - Jeff`
· "She Was Awesome in Basic Instinct" - Craig should be working
· "Why Flashes Are Not Allowed at Rolling Acres Assisted Living." - Karl
Click here to see the new Headline Contest
Is That Still the Default Setting for Girls?
Stressed guy: But what are you going to do with no hair?!
Stressed girl: I don't know... Have a baby?
--L Train
Overheard by: Karen
Is This Your Vast Feminist Conspiracy Theory Again?
Emotional suit: My shrink said I'm dragging my feet to test my wife.
Supportive suit: He could be right.
Emotional suit: No, it's a woman.
Supportive suit: Oh no! She is manipulating your ass.
--3 Train
Overheard by: EmLo
You're Not a Real New Yorker 'Til You've Been Reprimanded by a Tranny
Toddler, screaming: Eeeeeeaaaaaeeeeeeaaaaeeeeeeee.
Tranny woman: Oh my gawd, you so need to win American Idol!
Toddler: ...
--F Train
Overheard by: Faye
Wednesday One-Liners for Uncle Walter
High-school teen to friend: So, like, every guy that likes me must totally be a pedophile.
--Flatbush & Dekalb, Brooklyn
13-year-old: I mean, he's not a pedophile, he's just very open with his sexuality, and I like that.
--8th & Broadway
Overheard by: Kelly
Lesbian on cell: I just saw these girls and they were pretty. Really pretty. And fifteen. But then I heard them talking and I realized they were French! So it's fine. Fifteen is legal there.
--36th St & Fifth Ave
Middle-aged teacher: I have this girl in my class that's a six-year-old with a 46-year-old woman's body.
--Prem-On Thai
Overheard by: office peon
Guy who just got more beer: This is the happiest place on earth... Except for that kindergarten I'm not allowed to go back to anymore.
--McSorley's, 7th & 3rd
Overheard by: I'll drink to that!
Seven-year-old boy running after another child: I'm a pedophile! I'm a pedophile! I'm a pedophile!
--Coney Island Boardwalk
Overheard by: that'swhathesaid
Not That There's Anything Wrong with Wednesday One-Liners
Dude on cell: I'm okay with it. As long as nobody slaps me or calls me gay or spits on me. Those are my three things. As long as nobody does those three things.
--21st St & 8th Ave
Asian girl: You gave me the gay!
--C Train
Overheard by: Jordan
Female cop to male cop: You a queer? For real, you queer? You a queer? You a queer? Oh, I didn't know that. Okay. [Nods.]
--C Train
Barnard girl to friends: I don't think he's gay, I just think he has problems having sex with women.
--Columbia University Steps
Overheard by: John Jay
Man to friend: See, I told you this was a gay neighborhood, look at all the women!
--Montague Street, Brooklyn Heights
Overheard by: glekapolis
Loudly homophobic guy: Gay! Gay! My ass hurts from watching that preview!
--AMC Theater, Times Square
Overheard by: Lo
At Least Wednesday One-Liners Are Too Young to Drive
Seven-year-old boy to friend: What are you, drunk or something?
--Union Square
Ten-year-old boy to mom: Let's get drunk! [Starts dancing.]
--W 45th St & 8th Ave
Overheard by: Jon A.
Dad to three-year-old: Well, I don't know, will you buy me a beer?
--79th & Amsterdam
Overheard by: s h
[Tiny boy is making weird faces at the window.]
Sister: Mommy, I think he's drunk.
--6 Train
Overheard by: Becca
Trashy Boston girl: I love little children. They are like little drunk real people. Except that one, because she's foreign.
--Madison Square Garden
Wednesday One-Liners from H-E Double Hockey Sticks
Guy looking at books, to no one in particular: I don't want to hear or see anything about the devil, demons, voodoo or big hairy black guys.
--Barnes & Noble
Overheard by: 153
Guy hawking pamphlets: How to sucker punch the devil right in the ass!
--W 12th & Brodway
Overheard by: Why didn't I get that pamphlet?!
Coworker about colleague: Every time he comes by here the number 666 comes up.
--1250 Broadway
Punk kid, walking past a group of nuns: Hail Satan!
--Waverly & Greene
Professor: I don't want to be saved, I want to go to hell. I'll meet interesting people there!
--Cooper Union, Astor Place
Overheard by: Hopefully not me!
Crazy older lady screaming on cell: You what? You are buying soda? You are going to go to fucking hell! Don't you remember the promise you made to god? You're probably standing in line with some goddamn candy too. You are going to hell!
--W Train
Overheard by: DR G LUV
Sliding Wednesday One-Liners
Conductor: Stand clear of the closing doors. Person in the back of the train, step out into the train. Step into the train! Excuse me, in the back with the grey shirt, step into the train. Yes you! I'm looking right at you! Oh my god! Ladies and gentlemen, we're being held in the station because someone in the back of the train wearing a grey shirt is blocking the doors.
--B Train
Conductor [as passengers keep blocking the subway doors from closing]: You're invited!
--1 Train
Conductor: Stand clear of the closing doors. [Alert signal, doors re-open.] Goddamit! There's always someone... Isn't there?
--R Train
Conductor, in completely empty train: Ladies and gentlemen, if you get to the train and it is full, don't try to force your way in. Don't block the way of the door closing either. I don't want any body parts obstructing them. Also, if you get to the train as the doors are closing, don't try to pry them back open. Don't try sticking your arms in between them either. Very bad idea. Just stand on the platform, wave, and say: "Bye bye, train".
--A Train
Snarky train conductor: Ladies and gentlemen, your attention please. It's very simple: We open the doors, you get on, we close the doors. If you are going to walk past two or three doors trying to find a car or space that you like, don't be surprised if the doors close on you before you can get on. We are not mind-readers.
--B Train
Conductor, to guy holding train doors for his girlfriend: Sir, please let the doors close, we can't wait for your girlfriend. [Some time passes.] Sir, you are young and not unattractive, I am sure you can find someone else to sleep with you on the train.
--L Train
Are You Pre-op or Post-op, Wednesday One-Liners?
Pragmatic bouncer: Well, there weren't enough women there, so we threw in a tranny...
--Broadway Caribou Coffee
Overheard by: jenny Lui
Man, to friend: So, he says to me "Oh, I have a sex-change operation scheduled for that day, so I can't make it."
--46th, b/w 8th & 9th
Overheard by: christine
30-something woman with nose ring, on cell: She's like a transvestite... And an ugly bird. She's like a transvestite and an emu. [pause] It's a really ugly bird.
--7th Ave
Overheard by: James from Jersey
Guy: So then I was like, suck my twat!
--21st & 6th
20-something girl: I had him as both a man and a woman.
--17th St & 5th Ave
Overheard by: Tater
Dude: It's been ages since I had testicles!
--Grand Sichuan, St. Mark's Place
Overheard by: Rose Fox
How Much Is That Wednesday One-Liner in the Window?
Man eating brunch to male friend: We both came out seven years ago. We are puppy gay in dog years.
--Big Daddy's Diner
Overheard by: Morgan
Very loving mom talking to daughter about her son: Hey! He is not an animal, he is not a dog. Well, at least not today!
--Hell's Kitchen
Outraged woman to man: What? No! Do not put the dog in the furnace, Ted!
--Court Street
Chick with cigarette, on cell: ... Leathery fetish dog-masks, or just Halloween style dog-masks?
--Outside Tagine, 40th & 9th
Overheard by: Ladle
Philosophical suit: The only reason I haven't divorced my wife is because of the dog.
--Upper East Side
Wednesday One-Liners --Unclean! Unclean!
Eight-year-old boy to another: You usta play dirty house with her!
--E 9th St & Ave A
Overheard by: Fred Daubert
Visibly annoyed ghetto-fab young lady, while loudly cracking her gum: They too many nationalities on this bus and most of them don't be clean.
--57th St Bus
Overheard by: tinyfoo
Chick, looking at rat sipping from puddle: Eeeww, how can he drink that? It's so dirty!
--6 Platform, Grand Central
Guy on escalator, to friend: ... Dirty sandwich...
--E Train
Overheard by: M_C
Male student: Either you're a dirty, stinking hippie, or you're pretentious.
--Bard High School Early College Library
Thuggish hobo: Please! Somebody talk dirty to me!
--Washington Square Park
Wednesday One-Liners Play Hungry, Hungry Hypocrites
Woman with thick Jersey accent, very seriously: I really need to get an accent. Accents are very important to people here.
--1 Train
Overheard by: McFreaky
Drunk man screaming into cell: Stop fucking yelling!
--30th & 8th
Guy on phone: It just really bugs me that she's always talking to other people about our relationship...
--Bedford & 4th, Williamsburg
Overheard by: andebobandy
Aussie bartender with heavy accent: He was complaining that the burger wasn't flat because it's hand-rolled and not frozen. [pause] Fucking foreigners.
--O'Keefe's, Court Street, Brooklyn
Overheard by: NJH
Guy in wheelchair (peeing in a Snapple bottle) to friend: People are nasty.
--W 38th St & 8th Ave
Overheard by: Bebe
Wednesday One-Liners Hope the Building Doesn't Go Condo
Father to young son: We'll get an apartment in Kentucky. Then you'll only have to go to school through 6th grade."
--NJ Transit
Overheard by: Dashing Dan
Jewy girl on cell: He's an apartment broker?... Last time you said he dealt with hedge funds... Yea, I don't think they are the same thing.
--21st St & 3rd Ave
Overheard by: Lezbotron
Guy: Well, my week has been interesting. Last month Meredith tried to sublet my apartment right out from under me. So, this week I went through her stuff and mailed her boyfriend --wait no, fiancé-- a receipt from when she got an abortion last summer.
--10th & 1st
Overheard by: ED
Reasonable cop: Even though it's a stinkin friggin apartment, he's got a place to put his ugly fuckin head.
--Dunkin Donuts, Woodside, Queens
Twink #1 to twink #2: I believe in my heart of hearts that I should live in an apartment like the ones in Woody Allen movies.
--50th St & 9th Ave
Conductor on very crowded F train: Those of you with very small apartments will appreciate them now.
--F Train
Overheard by: da sarkastik ninja.
The Island of Dr. Wednesday One-Liners
Man on cell: Was there a lot of bleeding? [unintelligible reply] Well, was it four sheep or five? [reply] We have to find a way to separate the cows from the sheep.
--Elevator, 56th & 8th
Drunk girl, yelling: All I want is a llama! Another cocktail and a llama!
--Terminal 5
Dude: So you're enjoying acting, LA, monogamy, horses?
--Cafe Esperanto
Chick to friend: I don't care how well you clean it, I am not doing shots out of that alligator!
--TriBeCa
Overheard by: lalala
Swanky pin-stripe suit on cellphone: The little shit will definitely get approved. He's as healthy as a French gay ox.
--51st & 3rd
Overheard by: IG
Young black dude: You know the movie The Lion King? Yeah The Lion King! ...You know, the one with all the tigers.
--4 Train
Overheard by: BQM lady
Man: Manatees are the most peaceful creatures in the world... They get hit by motor boats!
--Astor Place
Wednesday One-Liners Are for Keeping Airports in
Girl to friends, while walking past bar: Oh, this is the place I got drunk at, then woke up in Queens.
--40th & 7th
Overheard by: Jesse
Drunk Italian guy, entering uptown NRW station: Uptown and Queens? That's where all the pussy is!
--23rd & Broadway
Overheard by: Zarek
Middle-aged black woman on phone: I can see all Queens from up in here, nigga. Aw, damn, I can see that Rhode Island shit now.
--Roosevelt Island Tram
Overheard by: Jack Fleming
20-Something hipster girl on cell: Why do you have to get off the phone? You're eating? Again? You big fat ass... God, I hate Queens.
--Queens Bridge
Overheard by: SL
Conductor over loudspeaker: You are now on the N train running to Queens... Unlike yesterday when I was in Queens running the train on all of youse. Enjoy.
--N Train
Overheard by: Kevin
Voice from dressing room stall: I am at a Sears in Queens. S. O. S.
--Sears, Rego Park, Queens
Overheard by: Ladle
Cesar Millan: Jeez, I Don't Know What to Do
Teen #1: Grrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr!
Teen #2: What the hell are you doing?
Teen #1: Grrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr!
Teen #2: Are you growling?
Teen #1, pointing at the postcards on the wall: Grrrrrrrrrrrrr!
Teen #2: What?
Teen #1: [Retrieves a Lichtenstein print of a dog with the caption "Grr".] Grrrrrrrr! It started it! Grrrrrr!
Teen #1: I can't go anywhere with you, can I?
Teen #2, shaking head: Grrrrrrrrrrrrrr!
--Gugenhiem Gift Shop
Overheard by: Hannah C.
Is There Any Possible Way I Can Blame New York?
Tourist mom: The last thing I wanted was to be drunk in front of my children.
Son: Too late.
--Embassy Suites, near WTC
Overheard by: Shanaca
Or Has Our Ironic Disdain Finally Overtaken Our Very Souls?
Hipster guy: Did we sleep in 'till 1 pm today? Or was that yesterday?
Hipster girl: No, that was yesterday. We slept in 'till ten today.
Hipster guy: What's wrong with us? Do we have aids?
--Williamsburg
Life's Vile Enough As It Is; Why Make It Worse?
[Young black girl bumps into a young white girl rounding a corner.]
Young black girl: Oh, I'm sorry miss, excuse me.
[Young white woman gives the young black girl a nasty look, and continues walking.]
Young black girl: I don't know why da fuck I use manners anymore.
--Lehman College
Reader Poll: Lesbians or Simply Unmarried?
Woman #1: What's the Super Bowl?
Woman #2: I think it has something to do with baseball...
--1 Train
Well, I'm Off to Teach My Constitutional Law Class!
Girl: If I ever get arrested, I'll just punch myself and claim police brutality.
Guy: Oh, really?
Girl: Yeah, that's like, one of our rights. We have all kinds of rights. They're in the amendments. There are like, nine of them.
--Hunter College
Overheard by: Cori
Apparently Superior Court Judges Don't Take Too Kindly to That
Sad Latino dude: She said no.
Outraged Latino dude: What?!? How could she say no?! After all the time you spent thinking about her ass!
--Willoughby & Taafe, Brooklyn
Overheard by: jacob
But He Had a Lot of Difficulties Making Weight
Little boy: Dad, who's Mahatma Gandhi?
Dad: You don't know who Gandhi is?
Little boy: No. Was he a sports star?
Dad: Something like that...
--Union Square
St. Christopher's Starting to Get Ragged Around the Edges
Creepy hobo: May you reach your destination in safety.
Hoochie: Scuse me?
Creepy hobo: May you reach your destination in safety.
Hoochie, cheerily: Thank you, sweetie!
--Outside Pacific Street Station
Overheard by: Rich Mintz
Dr. Frankenstein Spoiled His Daughter Badly
Drunk girl #1: We're going to the Taj Lounge!
Drunk girl #2: Yeah we're going to the Taj Lounge! [To random guy.] Get your hot ass to the Taj Lounge!
Drunk girl #1: Leave your face here!
--21st St
This Time We'll Watch Softball and Drink Beer
Girl #1: Oh my gosh, this is so cool.
Girl #2: I know. [Smiles.]
Girl #1: Thanks for bringing me here, I love you. I am so glad I became a lesbian, if I wasn't I wouldn't have met you!
Girl #2: Aww, thanks. Do you want to go to my apartment now?
Girl #1: Yes! Let's go. Are we going to have fun like we did last night?
Girl #2: Even more, baby.
--M&M Store, Times Square
Too Bad Kubrick Could Only Be Truly Understood After His Death
Chick #1: I saw A Clockwork Orange this weekend.
Chick #2: What'd you think?
Chick #1: Um... [Long pause.] British men are hot.
--Barnes & Noble
So That's How It Spreads
[Homeless man is giving directions to tourists.]
Construction worker to tourists below: Don't listen to that guy, he's a homeless bum. He don't know what he's talking about, he's crazy. Seriously, stop talking to him, he's just a whacked out homeless guy.
Homeless man: Yeah, well... You're homeless! Yeah, how you like that?
--Columbus Circle
Overheard by: adrift midwestern hipster
Like My Grandma
Girl #1: Where do you get bras?
Girl #2: Victoria's Secret, because no one else has my size.
Girl #1: What size are you?
Girl #2: Buttloads of huge.
--St Marks Place & 1st Ave
Overheard by: Mariah
Could You Just Stop Duelling with Them?
Little boy #1: You are a penis.
Little boy #2: No, you are a penis.
Nanny: Alright, whoever says that again gets a time-out.
Little boy #1: Whoever says penis?
Nanny: Nevermind.
--Bleecker & Mercer
You Don't Have To-- He Got Over It
Little boy: Did the Jews kill Jesus?
Tutor: No. It was the Romans.
Little boy: Aw, man! I hate the Romans! [angrily pounds fist on table]
--Community Center, 109th & Lexington
Overheard by: Drew
He Even Eats Semi-Solid Foods Once a Week
Middle-aged man to elderly woman: Mom, he's such a...I dunno. He told me the same story five times last night.
Elderly woman: Listen, dear: at my age, any man who can walk by himself and pee by himself is a catch.
--Madison Avenue Bus
Overheard by: The New York Crank
Gay Politicians?
20-something JAP, checking out 20-something guy walking past: Hey, how are you?
20-something guy waves: Married...
JAP's friend: Ew, who gets married?
--21st & Van Alst
Overheard by: Kire
You Sold Them to the Maid Again, Didn't You?
Cute, pigtailed five-year-old: I want my pills!
WASPy, harried-looking mother, to staring people: She means her vitamins. Ha, ha.
Cute, pigtailed five-year-old: No, mommy, my piiiiiiiiiiils!
--102nd & Broadway
Overheard by: I Want My Pill Too
They Took Behavioral Psychology from the Jabberwocky
Teen girl #1: Soup is my downfall.
Teen girl #2, yelling loudly: Human nature, human nature, soup!
--Columbia
Overheard by: Melissa
I'm Not Sure a Finger Is a Comprehensive Response
Soccer mom: I dropped a twenty dollar bill last time I was in here, like, two weeks ago. Did anybody find it and turn it in?
Cashier: Ya know, we've gotten so many twenties turned in this month, you're going to have to identify yours. Whats the serial number?
--Duane Reade, Columbus Ave
Overheard by: Veronica at www.lonelyroadsandpsychopaths.com
Clearly She Never Saw Lea Thompson Get Down With Howard the Duck
Girl #1: "Its so annoying how your phone wont learn to spell 'fuck'.
Girl #2: Yeah. It wont spell "fucked" either, thats the one I have trouble with.
Girl #1: Yeah. Like it always spells "ducked".
Girl #2: Yeah. And I don't wanna be ducked, I wanna be fucked!.
--L Train
Overheard by: Lara
Headline by: maggie
Runners-Up:
· "Donald And Daffy Went Home Alone That Night." - 1310 (formerly SNA)
· "Fowl Language" - Koren
· "My Phone Totally Just Cock Blocked Me." - Jennette
· "Old McDonald Had a Fetish, E-I-E-I-Blow" - CV
· "Sexy Is Using a Feather, Kinky Is Using the Whole Bird" - Jatmos
· "That's Right... Ducked in My Puppy!" - Stick
· "The "Lame Duck" Presidency All Makes Sense Now" - Dale
· "Well, Once You Go Quack..." - Tim Ferlito
Click here to see the new Headline Contest
When, Really, Tyra Did
Guy #1: I want to sing into an oscillating fan and record it.
Guy #2: Do you think you're the first person to think of that? That's like saying the kid on Project Runway invented the word "fierce".
--10th St & 1st Ave
...In 1995
Drunk girl, screaming at Adam Duritz: I want you in my vagina!
Friend: Would you stop?! Like 400 people hate you right now!
Drunk girl: I don't care, they didn't fuck him!
Friend: Actually... Like 200 of them probably did...
--Counting Crows Concert
Overheard by: Hating her
The Food Here Must Be Better Than I Thought
Employee #1: Do you know who that is?
Employee #2: Some total douchebag! What's he selling, encyclopedias?
Employee #1: Uh, no, he's the publisher of the New York Times.
--New York Times Cafeteria
Didn't They Say to Direct All Questions to the Tour Guide?
Teen girl: If you cut off a guy's penis, how long do you think it would take for him to bleed to death?
Teen boy: Uh...
Teen girl: Hypothetically, I mean.
--Natural History Museum
Not Since I Went on Oprah and Tried to Speak
Comedy pimp: You guys like comedy? Wanna see a comedy show?
College guy: Sorry, I don't usually.
Comedy pimp: Talk to black people?
College guy: Have my sentences finished by black people?
--Times Square
Overheard by: Martin Van Nostrand
Benetton's Next Ad Campaign Is Gonna Be Edgy
White chick, examining bacteria plate: Aww, my bacteria are so cute. I have like pink ones!
Blondie: Lemme see. Ewwww... Is that what you colonized from your hand?
White chick: Yeah...?
Blondie: Ewww, you're dirty, don't touch me.
White chick: Fuck you, I go on the subway all the time.
Asian chick: Me too. Hey, I have some white colonies on my finger culture... Maybe I have some white in me after all.
White chick: And I have some yellow colonies! Together, we are a perfect rainbow of transcultural germs.
Asian chick: Awesome.
--Barnard Biology Lab
Overheard by: Vicksburg
...Not at That Woman's Boobs
Tourist mom, talking extremely loud: Nature means happiness.
Five-year-old son: Why?
Tourist mom: Because nature means life -look at how beautiful nature is.
Five-year-old son: Whoa! Now that's nature.
Tourist mom: The trees are nice; the road not so much... Look at the sea of trains...
--LIRR
Overheard by: JUSTSHUT UP!
Do You Want to Hear About the Ass Sex, or Not?
Woman: I think she's Russian. No wait, I think she is from Tennessee, yeah she's like this poor girl from Tennessee. So anyways, she goes to the Hamptons... Wait now I remember, she is from Utah; she's Mormon. That's it. So she goes to the Hamptons and meets this guy...
Man: Wait a minute, what's a Russian Mormon doing in the Hamptons?
Woman, annoyed: [groan]
--Whole Foods Columbus Circle
No, Seriously-- I'm Doing the Column Now.
Loud girl #1: So, are you going to tell Eric*?
Loud girl #2: It was a dance.
Loud girl #1: And a kiss.
Jamaican man, who has overheard: Oh. Oh, that's cold. You ain't gonna tell him?
Loud girl #2: I didn't kiss him, he kissed me.
Jamaican man: This gon' get ugly, you hear me?
Loud girl #2: Fine! I'll tell him! Then you'll see ugly.
Jamaican man: Jus' call me Dear Abby.
--Elevator, Brooklyn
Now Here's a Tissue. You're About to Sneeze
Brunette: I really need to have sex.
Blonde: Well you better do it soon because you're getting your period on Wednesday.
[long pause.]
Brunette: We spend too much time together.
--1 Train
Overheard by: Nipples McFreaky
You Also Said That About Plastic Sporks
Four-year-old #1: Do you know who Slash is?
Four-year-old #2: Nope. What is it?
Four-year-old #1: He is from the Guns and the Roses.
Four-year-old #2: What's that?
Four-year-old #1: It's dangerous.
--World Financial Center
Or a Few Days Locked in a Room with The Cure
Mom with three kids: She's always skipping around and has so much energy.
Mom #2: Maybe she needs drugs.
--27th & Broadway
But Your Nails Are a Wreck
Thug #1: I'm so fat.
Thug #2: No G, you not fat!
Thug #1: You playin'.
Thug #2: I'll tell you fat. When you put on sweats and they stretch out. That's fat. Besides, you're like what, six foot six? You can pull it off.
Thug #1: Thanks, G!
--Inwood Pathmark, 207th St
Overheard by: austin
But the Mannequins Have Better Legs Than I Do!
Woman: Where is the men section?
Employee: This is the men section.
Woman: Oh, wow!
--Express For Him
Overheard by: Express
In the Drawer Next to Your Bed
Four-year-old to his mom: Do you have a penis?
Mom: No.
Four-year-old: Yes you do. I know you do. I saw it!
--Lombardi's Pizza
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