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If You Give Them Too Much Attention, the Terrorists Win
Girlfriend, pointing at the base of a tree: Look! Look! There's a rat and a squirrel fighting!
Boyfriend: No!
Girlfriend: Yes there is! Look! There's a fucking rat attacking that squirrel!
Boyfriend: Shhhh. Don't talk about the rats. Don't pay attention to them.
Girlfriend, pointing at passerby: Look at her, she saw them! She knows what I'm talking about.
Boyfriend: Ignore the rats.
--Washington Square Park East
Which Is Swollen, But in a Good Way
Tiny hipster girl: So how's the kneecap?
Hipster guy: Fuckin' swollen.
Tiny hipster girl: Fuck yeah!
Hipster guy: Yeah. But I'm getting an elephant head tattooed next to my cock!
--Europa, Williamsburg
Overheard by: kneecaps are a real bitch
Just Use Your New York Instincts and You'll Do Fine
Student: Um, would we really use the extremely polite form with random strangers on the street?
Japanese teacher, exuberantly: Oh yes, definitely.
Class: [Laughter.]
Japanese teacher: I'm not kidding, you don't want to make them think you like them or want to get close to them... they're a stranger! You want to keep as much emotional distance from them as possible.
--Japanese Class, Columbia University
Overheard by: Vicksburg
Guess the Legislation Hasn't Gone Through Yet
Chick #1: Hanukkah starts today.
Chick #2: Oh? Do they still celebrate that?
--Elevator, School of Visual Arts
Overheard by: Lezbotron
So Close
Woman: So, what does Les Miserables translate into? "The Miserables"?
Man: Uh, yeah. Isn't that obvious? It's Spanish!
--Les Miserables, Theater
Overheard by: hjane
Is That a New Gay Bar in Chelsea?
Tourist: Excuse me, can you tell me how to get to MoMA from here?
Suit: Fuck you, what do I look...
Tourist, indignantly interrupting: No, fuck you, you motherfucking piece of shit. You don't want to answer, you say "I don't know". All you New Yorkers are a bunch of cock-sucking assholes.
[Suit, stunned, gives directions.]
Bystander to tourist: Where did you learn to do that?
Tourist: The Midwest.
--Outside the Guggenheim
Overheard by: Ehem.
He'd Been Wearing His Fat-Invisibility Cloak at the Bar
[Guy walks by and elbows girl in head.]
Girl: Ow!
[A drunk girl is passing by.]
Drunk girl: I'm sorry!
Girl: No, some guy just elbowed me in the head.
Drunk girl: Don't worry about it. One time I met this guy here and went home with him, but it turned out he lived in Brooklyn. And he was fat.
--Bar, 14th & Ave A
What Did I Say About Talking Like That When We're Off Staten Island?
Mom to four-year-old being picked on by brother: Tell him to leave you alone.
Four-year-old: Leave me the fuck 'lone!
Mom: Hey! Watch your mouth.
Four-year-old: I'm gonna fuck 'im up.
--Staten Island Ferry
Overheard by: ryn
Did You Expect to Gain More Sympathy by Using "Summer" As a Verb?
Crying hipster girl: I lost $300 on that fucking team!
Hipster guy: Wait, why are you a Patriots fan? You're from, like, California.
Crying hipster girl: Yeah, but I summer in Vermont!
--Pop Burger, 58th & 5th
Or Potentially "Holy Moley"
Guy: Yeah... I don't know what key they're singing it in.
Girl: Well if she's singing it in the Betty Buckley key... that's like in the key of whoa.
--Queens-bound N Train
Overheard by: cwazy nooh yawkerr
Are You Even an Authorized Spokesperson?
Woman preaching: Jesus loves you!
Obviously Jewish girl: Well, supposedly we killed him, so I don't think so.
--Grand Central
Overheard by: G
That Would Be Hot, Though
Girlfriend: Did I ever tell you about the time I was on this train really late at night and this old guy sitting across from me was looking at these comics that had, like, really graphic drawings of vaginas?
Boyfriend: With like... vines crawling out of them?
Girlfriend: [Pause.] Ummm... No.
--Downtown 6 Train
Unless You Plan to Back It Up with Action
Man: What'd you think?
Woman: Just another story about how guys can't keep their golden horns in their pants.
Man: We can't help it if our golden horns start to glow whenever we get near a vagina cave.
Woman: Don't ever let me hear you say that again.
--Leaving IMAX Theatre After Beowulf, Lincoln Sqaure
Overheard by: The Professor
It Has Also Stopped Taunting Me
Mother: How's your pizza?
Little boy: Okay. It tasted better when I was high.
--Giorgio's Pizza
Overheard by: ramona
The TV Show or the Process?
Thug #1: Yo, we're in a serious predicament!
Thug #2: Nigga, where did your foolish ass learn that shit?
Thus #1: Law & Order.
--Times Square
Overheard by: becca
Otherwise I'm Too Tense to Wear a Thong
Young lady suit: Hey, I just fund twenty bucks in my purse! Don't you love when that happens?
Older lady suit: Yeah, I found a Valium in my underwear drawer last week. It made my day.
Young lady suit: That's cool too...
--A Train
Like Semen Dialysis?
Guy #1, shocked, and loud: Wow, so it fills your whole body with sperm?!
Guy #2, pondering: You know, I'm not quite sure how it works.
--Penn Station
Overheard by: Pt Photo
Just Don't Try to Stop the Train With Your Feet, Okay?
Female conductor: Do we have a line-up, partner?
Male conductor: Yabba dabba dooooooo!
--Manhattan Bound E Train
Overheard by: I Am McLoVey
Like Herpes, Madonna Will Never Die
Woman #1: So, Madonna has a new album out... which, of course, means my herpes are flaring up again...
Woman #2: I know, right?
--South 3rd & Berry, Williamsburg
Don't You Love Learning New Things?
Student #1: I met a guy on craigslist for "no strings attached" sex.
Student #2: Yeah? Was he weird, or was it fine?
Student #1: He was my TA from one of my classes last year.
Student #2: That's the epitome of awkward turtle.
--Union Square
What Was Wrong With "Bob Dylan"?
Literature prof: Carlos Fuentes and Octavio Paz were two Mexican intellectuals who wrote essays concerning what it meant to be Mexican. Can anyone name some equivalent American intellectuals who were concerned with what it means to be American?
Student #1: Steven Spielberg?
Student #2: J. K. Rowling?
Student #3: Bob Dylan?
Student #4: C. S. Lewis?
Student #5: Stephen King?
[silence]
--Fordham University Classroom
Overheard by: [Embarrassed] to be an American
I'm Like, Oh No, You Vatican't!
Sassy gay guy: Have you seen how ghetto the Upper East Side has gotten?
Girl in yoga clothes: Um.
Sassy gay guy: And everyone is a bitch. A freakin' nun pushed me out of her way one time.
Girl in yoga clothes: Ha! Really?!
Sassy gay guy: Yes mam! [Snaps his fingers.] So I pushed her all the way down, girl. Whatever. I don't care. I'm not Catholic!
--50th & Broadway
"No" Is the Safest Default Response for a Woman
Dude: Oh hey: Love Actually. Have you ever seen this movie?
Chick: No. [Pauses and looks at the movie he is holding.] Oh, yes. Yes, I have.
Dude: You know, you always answer "no" first. No matter what I ask, you always answer "no" and then change your answer to "yes" when you actually realize what I said. You can actually think about the question before you answer, you know. The outcome would be the same.
--Barnes & Noble
Didn't St. Patrick Drive Them out of Ireland?
Man: So, you're *finally* wearing green for Saint Patrick's Day.
Woman: I wore a green dress on Saint Patrick's Day. I'm half Irish and half German.
Man: Oh, we're all Mongols, aren't we?
--William & Ann
You'll Swallow Scientology, but Not That?
Chubby Asian #1: I'm making a headcheese.
Chubby Asian #2: What's that?
Chubby Asian #1: Like a meat, with parts of other meats.
Chubby Asian #2: ...So it's not a cheese?
Chubby Asian #1: No.
Chubby Asian #2: Wow, gross.
--L Train
But I Don't Think That Was the Reason for My Low SAT Score
Girl #1: Were you wearing any underpants?
Girl #2: Well yes, I was wearing underpants!
--Javits Center, New York International Gift Fair
Overheard by: Amy
Not Without an Aluminum Hat, You Won't
DOB lady #1: You ever see that stupid show, Family Guy?
DOB lady #2, with conviction: No. I don't get involved in that mess. It's a place you won't come out.
--Brooklyn Dept. of Buildings
Overheard by: Choheat
Did You Feel As Dirty As I Did When He Said "Tastebud Sensation"?
Old british man, to liquor store employees: Have any of you ever tried this beer?
Thugged-out liquor store employee #1: Nah.
Old british man: Oh, it's a splendid Belgian stout, very sweet. It's my absolute favorite variety of Belgian beer. You should try it sometime. It is absolutely divine, a tastebud sensation the likes of which I can guarantee you've never known. Well, have a great night, chaps. [Pays for his beer and walks out.]
Thugged-out liquor store employee #1: Yo, dog, you hear that guy's accent? You think his accent was real?
Thugged-out liquor store employee #2: Nah.
Thugged-out liquor store employee #1: I don't think so, either.
Thugged-out liquor store employee #2: It couldn't have been real. You hear that guy? He ain't from no foreign country. He spoke perfect English.
--Liquor Store, Manhattan
Overheard by: daile
Just Don't Expect Him to Come Out of His Shell
Girl #1: Which one is he?
Girl #2: He looks like a ninja turtle.
Girl #1: Oh, okay.
Girl #2: Put a bandanna on that bitch and call him Raphael.
--Columbia
Overheard by: Mandy
I Fear You May Not Be Ready for Staten Island
Little kid: Mommy, what is that smell?
Mom: Yes, dear. There are all kinds of smells in NYC! Is the smell bad!?
Little kid: Yes!
--51st St & 5th Ave
Overheard by: Mena Mansour
Let Alone Travel Down My Birth Canal
Girl #1: And how old is her boy now?
Girl #2: Uh... I dunno, one year old -maybe older?
Girl #1, in shock and disgust: And she still breast-feedin' him?! That crazy ho!
Girl #2, definitively: Yeah, I ain't lettin' no lil' man put teeth on my nipple!
--53rd & 6th Ave
Overheard by: SA
Wasn't "Open Sesame" the First Login?
Teenage boy #1: It's gotten to the point that I have like 20 logins. I can't remember them all!
Teenage boy #2: Yeah, the guy who invented logins must be loaded!
--4 Train
My School Has an Appellate Division
Eight-year-old boy, carrying real but child-size golf clubs: I have two lawyers, don't I daddy?
Father: Yes.
Eight-year-old friend: I have three.
--18th & Broadway
Clean Up in Aisle Emily!
Girl #1: Yeah!. I get 80 mother fucking % off!
Girl #2: Doesn't that just make you wet?
Girl #1: No. I'm pretty sure it makes me gush.
--27 & 7
Overheard by: sf
Headline by: kerm
Runners-Up:
· "And I Know When Someone Rips Me Off Because I Get A Yeast Infection" - Dan
· "And That Is What We Call a Jew-gasm!" - Andi
· "Coupon Booklets Are Essentially Free Porn" - Matt
· "Cuidado - Piso Jugoso" - Grantankerous
· "Sam Walton Can Still Get the Girls." - wal-mart women calendar girl
· "Sounds Like You Got 100% Off, To Me" - T Bag
Click here to see the new Headline Contest
It's Biodegradation
Male passerby, to guy wrapped in blue cellophane: Dude, what are you doing?
Female passerby: Why are you wearing blue cellophane?
Guy wrapped in blue cellophane: It's not blue cellophane!
--Wagner College
More Like She Was Doing a Pigeon Impersonation and My Penis Happened to Be There
Girl: So she accidentally gave you head?
Guy: Yeah.
Girl: I'm confused as to how this happened. Did she like sneeze and somehow her mouth ended up on your penis? I'm just having trouble with the logistics of this. I mean it must have been a pretty violent sneeze to force her head that far down. Or was it more sensual, smooth kind of sneeze...
Guy: You're a sarcastic bitch.
Girl: Yeah, but now you have STD.
--8th St
See the Angels in the Architecture?
Hipster #1: Awwww! I never noticed it said "love" all over the cement!
Hipster #2: It doesn't.
Hipster #1: Oh, I guess the shrooms kicked in.
--12th & 4th
Wednesday One-Liners Prove That Nowhere Is Safe from Our Spies
Exasperated mother to child in toilet stall: Hurry up and poop!
--Ladies' Restroom, Penn Station
Overheard by: Betsy
[Girl is taking a piss in bathroom, friend shuts off lights.]
Girl: Biiitch! You know my pussy don't glow in the dark!
--Williamsburg, Brooklyn
Lady in bathroom stall: [Grunts, groans grunts again.] [Pause.] Oh my god, I peed on the floor!
--Sheraton Hotel
Overheard by: Morgan
Hungover senior, chanting loudly over sound of own urination in bathroom: Allllllllll riiighty thennnnnnn! Ahhhhhhhh!
--SVA Animation Department
Overheard by: Laughing
Man farting at urinal, to friend at urinal next to him: Hey, man, what do you think about piss farts?
--Kimmel Center, NYU
Overheard by: JO in Bobst
Girl: I'm not looking. I don't want to see your vagina. Even if we are family.
--AMC Theater Restroom, Times Square
Overheard by: wondering what's going on in the next stall
[Horrific sounds heard in adjacent stall for 3 minutes.]
Co-worker, yelling: "I'm sorry, I had milk!"
--Office bathroom, 31st Street
What What (In the Wednesday One-Liners)
Drunk-looking girl on cell: ... And I just received a postcard of butts! Things are looking up!
--Port Authority
Overheard by: Ladle
Angry soccer mom: Whoever has his or her hand on my ass, you better be one of my kids.
--Staten Island Ferry
Chick on cell: Ew! Ass striations?
--1 Train
Overheard by: Ladle
College girl: I slept at Steve's dorm. Needless to say, my ass cleared every surface he had in that room. Twice.
--Downtown B Train
Overheard by: Pola
Tall guy on cell: Listen, if you want a white woman to show you her ass all you gotta do is pull out a camera. They drop their panties in a second, at least that's what I tell the committee.
--Starbucks, Columbus Circle
Conductor over loudspeaker: Aaaand next stop... Yo' mama's ass!
--F Train from Queens
Overheard by: Tina K
Wednesday One-Liner's Burden
Jamaican man on cell: First there is the white people, then comes the animals, then comes me!
--Bryant Park
Overheard by: Cog-in-the-wheel
White hipster: Don't let the white man bring you down!
--N. 6th & Bedford Ave
Black man, yelling at UGG-wearing Fordham student passing by: White girls get loving, too. But, not with those boots!
--E. Fordham Rd & Bathgate Ave
Guy with rosary: Yo, that girl used to be so bad. Now she's hanging out with white people and playing croquet. Or whatever that shit is.
--North Woods, Central Park
Cute black girl: Damn! White girls be steppin' it up! They got booties now and everything!
--106th & Broadway
Please, Wednesday One-Liners, May I Have Another?
Teenage boy to father: You know, everyone knows you're a furry now.
--Food Emporium, 86th St
Curly-haired chick on cell: It's like you're a health nut but with S&M tendencies.
--Ouidad
Overheard by: Pookins
Woman on cell: I'm constantly carrying around like four outfits, paperwork, leftover food, and collars.
--Penn Station
Overheard by: McF
Man on cell: Look, if you want to have sex with animals just get drunk and do it!
--Burrito Shop
Overheard by: Marc
Suit: ...So if I raise the bed, then I can put the S&M toys under it.
--Bed, Bath, and Beyond
Overheard by: Katie
20-something college girl: Dude! I don't know how I ended up on my knees calling him "Sir" okay!?... It just happened...
--St. Marks b/w 1st & A
Overheard by: i wish i was
Hot nerd on cell: I mean seriously, what's the point of having friends if you can't occasionally accuse them of sexual deviance?
--40th & 3rd
Wednesday One-Liners Have a Sweet Tooth
Hobo, to commuters: I'm hungry, homeless, and unemployed. I'm selling these candies for $0.25 so I can buy a meal. You're all going to die, and you can't take it with you, so give it to me!
--Shuttle to Times Square
Overheard by: Wondering why he couldn't just eat the candy...?
Girl: So she was like: "Why can't we have a candy corn background?" and I was like "Because you're an idiot!"
--Starbucks, 34th St
Overweight yet stylish gay man: She had a hunger deep inside her that only a Snickers could quench.
--M101 Bus
Overheard by: Holla Back Girl
Mother to young son: You can get something, but I don't want you to pick out no fucking twenty dollar candy. You ain't been that good.
--Hershey World, Times Square
Overheard by: esgeness
Professor to student: I found out what they put in their brownies, I plan to use it against them!
--101st & Broadway
Group of high school girls to Mister Softee ice cream truck driver: Hey ice cream man! Ice cream man! Give us some ice cream! We'll suck you off!
--Beverley & Ocean Parkway
Overheard by: A Radiant Sulk Ninja
C'mon, Baby, Light My Wednesday One-Liners
Girl to friend: You have to stop setting your brother on fire.
--Broadway
Overheard by: sandm
Student to professor: Urinating on fire? What the hell, Freud?
--Wagner College, Staten Island
Tool on cell: If burning leaves in the schoolyard is wrong, I don't wanna be right!
--E 44th St & 2nd Ave
Blond woman: And that was the night I burned my eyebrows off!
--Union Square
Some guy: I spent all of last night searching my body for it, but I promise you if I find it, I'll burn it.
--The Village
Older woman at art gallery, looking at the price list: That burns my ass. Sorry, but that burns my ass.
--57th St
What Not to Wednesday One-Liner
Hipster girl: Look, just because you're pregnant doesn't mean you have to dress like a fifth grader.
--Union Pool, Brooklyn
Vain fag, looking at pants: I really love these shorts, I hope they're *in* this summer...
--LIRR
Guy wearing bright green leather clogs: No, I'd never wear crocs. They're ugly.
--Forest Hills Gardens, Queens
Overheard by: Aloof Loner
Goth girl: Let's buy fur coats and throw paint on ourselves.
--Bloomingdale's
Disembodied voice: Yo, these are mom jeans. I hate that shit! The waist goes all the way up to your stomach and then it makes a little V-neck pouch for your vagina. I hate that shit!
--Fitting Rooms, Gap in Herald Square
Overheard by: Zarya
[Waiting in line for the washroom.]
Lady, bawling her eyes out: Sorry, I ordered this jacket, and it's two sizes too big!
--Macy's
Overheard by: Tracy
Maury Povich Says You're the Wednesday One-Liner
Guy on phone: His dad's, like, crazy, and he lives in a house all by himself, and the saddest thing is... the saddest thing is this guy's dad is even uglier than our dad!
--Waverly Place b/w Mercer & Greene
Woman: Don't even think about humping your father's feet!
--President & Columbia
[Before the start of the NYC pillow fight.]
Pillow-fighter: I'm gonna beat you all down like you were my daddy! [Hits people with his pillow.] Why weren't you there, dad, why!?
--Union Square
Guy on cell: Hey dude, my flight has been delayed like an hour, yeah it does suck... [Pause.] Dude, from this point on I'm calling you "daddy". No: "big daddy". Yeah, hey big daddy...
--US Airways Terminal, Laguardia Airport
Little girl pointing at a grizzly bear: Daddy! Daddy!
--Museum of Natural History
Wednesday One-Liners Hope It's Just Ketchup
Worried suit: Oh, good. I was hoping you would call. Uh yes...I've had bloody stool twice in the past two weeks... Yes, the blood is around it...I don't know. What do you advise?
--McGraw-Hill Building, Rockefeller Center
Overheard by: HELP! I'm in the cube across from him
Woman to male companion: I don't give a shit about no fucking white people, they can suck my bloody pussy. My shit is all bloody and nasty, but I changed my drawers and shit. At least I don't just rinse it out and hang it in front of a fan...
--G Train
One-eyed Armenian worker, pointing to sample bottle of Vampire wine: Would you like a taste of this wine? It's half blood, but only the blood of pretty girls, I only drink pretty girls.
--Liquor Store, 10th St & 2nd Ave
MTA cop to blood drive employee: You want blood? I'll give you blood. Just not from my arm, if you know what I mean.
--Penn Station
Bro: If it looks like blood, it coagulates like blood.
--6 Train
Girl on cell: How was Vicky's sweet 16? [couple of seconds later] Was the blood from your nose or your ass?
--36th St & Broadway, Astoria
Overheard by: Cody
All Wednesday One-Liners Over Six Ounces Will Be Confiscated
[Plane lands, bounces 20 feet into the air, finally slams back to earth, knocking all the oxygen masks out.]
Flight Attendant: Thank you for choosing American Airlines, ladies and gentlemen, obviously we have have landed...
--LaGuardia Airport
Overheard by: M. Smith/Terrified Passenger
Flight Attendant: Chicken or beef? Chicken or beef? ... Don't think about it too long honey, they taste like cardboard.
--United Flight
Flight Attendant: We have two lavatories in the back of the plane and one in the front. Please use them.
--LaGuardia Airport
Pilot: Remember, there are 50 ways to leave your lover, but only 8 ways out of this aircraft.
--JFK Runway
Overheard by: cms
Pilot, after an unusually smooth landing: God damn, that landin' was butta!
--Jet Blue JFK
Looks Like We're in for a Bad Spell of Wednesday One-Liners
Little girl: Mommy, it's snowing in my eyes!
--Park Slope
Overheard by: blistexaddict
Elderly Hispanic woman wading through snow: Skoosh! Shoosh! Skoosh! Wee! Skoosh!
--28th & Park
Overheard by: Adam Nathan
Bus conductor in droning, somber voice: Ladies and gentlemen, due to inclement weather, the express trains are temporarily discontinued. [Suddenly sounding bright and chipper.] In other words, it's cold outside, folks! So if you think you can just wait for the local, you wrong! So all y'all just get out the way o' my doors and let's go!
--4 Train
Drunk blonde: Omigod, is it like raining? There's like water falling from the sky outside.
--LIRR
Girl on cell, on first nice day of spring: This weather just makes me want to drink...I have been sitting outside for ten minutes and all of a sudden I can't get booze off my mind.
--72nd & Columbus
Pilot: Welcome on board flight number [mumble]... We have a 45 minute flight to Ithaca, New York, where the weather is [dramatic pause] fucking awful! Why you guys going there?
--LaGuardia Airport
"Let's Get Ready to Wednesday One-Liiiiiiiner!"
Bimbette: So yesterday he called me to tell me that he's going to beat my ass, and then he calls me today to ask if he can use my CD player.
--Staten Island Mall
Overheard by: Robert
Seven-year-old girl: She better watch herself before I pimp slap her.
--Amsterdam Projects
Girl, to rest of her punk skater group: But I be like: "Bitch, I don't skate... I just beat bitches with it."
--Astor Place & Broadway
Overheard by: Jynx
Lady on cell: Is someone else going to smack you?
--1 Train
Overheard by: Krisztina
Man on cell: What... You flubbed what? Listen dude, I'm in midtown, but it's too far a cab ride to come beat a grown man's ass.
--W Hotel, 49th & Lex
Overheard by: Miami Hitman
Bus driver to angry man: You want a piece of this? There are 26 places on the body that can kill you instantly. I can hit 4 in one shot. You wanna dance?!
--M16 Bus
Overheard by: nora!
None Of the Classic Rockers Were Ever Troublemakers
Teen daughter: Amy Winehouse just won all the Grammys.
Father: That's not right. They shouldn't be doing shit like giving people in jail awards.
--26th & 9th
I Noticed a Particular... Aroma... When You Entered the Train
Guy # 1: Dude, I'm hella hungry.
Guy # 2: I'm freakin' hella tired of your whining, a-hole!
Guy # 1: At least I ain't hella stupid!
Guy # 2: And you're hella ugly!
Passenger, to guys: Are you from Jersey?
--C Train
Overheard by: Hammer-head
Let's Just Say "Sandwiches" Were Involved
Hungover sandwich maker lady: Man, I just wanna go home.
Girl, who clearly doesn't want to make conversation: Mmmm.
Hungover sandwich maker lady: Man, I came in here drunk this morning!
Girl: Oh, uh, I'm sorry.
Hung-over sandwich maker lady: Why you sorry? I had the time of my life last night!
--Subway, 8th & University
Not the Moment M.L. and Rodney King Dreamed About
White girl: I feel like saying: "Nigga, I don't want your purses. You don't know Louis Vuitton like I do. I fucked his ass last night." Finna hit 'em with my nine inch.
Friend: Or you could just get shot...
White girl: Shit nigga, look at my ass with my North Face and pearls talkin nigga-trash...I'm bouta get shot nine times.
Friend: 50 style nigga.
--Canal St
Overheard by: oh white girls
Wearing Leggings Isn't Against God's Will
Girl on date: If nothing else, I have morals!
Guy on date: You have dumbness.
--Local, 53rd & 2nd
Did We Get Married and Nobody Told Me?
Guy #1: What?
Guy #2: Huh?
Guy #1: Huh?
Guy #2: What?
Guy #1: I didn't say anything.
Guy #2: Me neither.
Guy #1: Don't talk to me.
--Hunter College
Overheard by: Hugh
Civil Liberties Are What's Wrong With This Country
ACLU girl soliciting signatures for petition: Hey, you've heard of us, haven't you?
Old man: Yes, we have. And we don't like you! We don't like you!
--Outside the Met
Overheard by: Samantha
Worst Case, I Think My Prostate Needs a Tune-up
Girl: I found a giant pill on the floor.
Friend: Oh nice! Giant pill!
Girl: Giant pill!
Friend: What kind is it?
Girl: I dunno, it doesn't have anything written on it.
Friend: Nice! Those are the best kind! I call them surprise me pills, take it and see what happens!
--D Train
...Backwards
College girl, to mumbling Persians: What language are you speaking? I'm just curious...
Persian college student: Well, that was English...
--Elevator, NYU Dorm
Why the Amish Have So Many Kids
Suit #1: Do you have an iPhone?
Suit #2: No.
Suit #1: Do you have a BlackBerry then?
Suit #2: No.
Suit #1: What? You don't have an iPhone and you don't have a BlackBerry?!
Suit #2: No, guess not.
Suit #1: You must have a long dick.
--115th St & Broadway
This Is a Drawing of a Teapot, Ma'am
Pharmacist, coming out from behind counter: So how can I help you?
British tourish: Well, I have a headache and a bit of a sore throat and [pulls out piece of paper, shows to pharmacist] I am not sure, but I think this is illegal in the United States.
--Duane Reade, 47th & Lexington
Overheard by: EthanK
That Sounds Like Sour Apple to Me
Drunk derelict #1: I invented big league chew!
Drunk derelict #2: You also have hepatitis.
--Staten Island Ferry
Overheard by: ryn
The Dark Side of the Moon's a Giant Litter Box
Kids: Ewwwwwww!!
Man with them: What about aliens?
Kids: Ewwww! Everyone knows they poop all over themselves. Poop alllllll over themselves! Ewwwwww!
--Frederick Douglass & 124th
When the Bimbos Come Home to Roost
Middle-aged suit #1: So I'm going to be a father again.
Middle-aged suit #2: Oh, really?
Middle-aged suit #1: Yeah, the mother's some bimbo on the West Side.
Middle-aged suit #2: Oh yeah.
Middle-aged suit #1: Yeah. I figure if I'm going to fuck up my life, I might as well do it in grand fashion.
--Times Square
Mom: Enjoy the Army, Sweetie
High school kid: I'm thinking of staying in the city for school.
Friend: Really?
High school kid: Yeah, I kinda want to stay in my apartment.
Friend: Oh, I thought it would be to party or something. Why would you want to live at home?
High school kid: Oh, don't worry, I'm going to kick my mom out first.
--Penn Station
Overheard by: courtney
Shrooms Are for Funerals. Cocaine Is for Weddings
Girl #1: I mean, really, she was doing cocaine at her father's memorial service.
Girl #2: I know. Me and Ashley were like, "We're no prudes, but there's such a thing as decorum."
--84th & Madison
Ever Since She Got That Breast Reduction, She's Dead to Me
Girl to friend, after other girl leaves room: She's cool. I like Jovanna.
Professor: You like Jovanna?!...I don't. Professor breaks into laughter.
--Bard High School Early College
Where We're Going, Marty, We Don't Need Tracks
Conductor #1: Good morning, ladies and gentlemen. This is the Manhattan-bound, Sixth Avenue local F train. The next stop is...
Conductor #2: There is no next stop. Let's go.
Conductor #1: Stand clear of the closing doors.
--F Train
Al-Qaeda: Hmmm...
Mother to son, as he exits camel ride: Were you scared?
Son: The part that was scariest was the germs.
--Bronx Zoo
Overheard by: mully
And Like We Should Judge?
Young white yuppie girl #1: Did you really let him stay over again?
Young white yuppie girl #2: Well, he doesn't have to report to Riker's for another couple weeks.
--12th & Washington
Overheard by: balloonknot
Probably Isn't a Single Spit-Free Surface in New York
Met guard: Don't touch that [Points to ancient Greek statue.]
Little girl: Not even a little?
Met guard: Not even a little.
[Pause.]
Little girl: Not even a little little?
Met guard: Vera, stop.
Little girl: Ok. No touching. Got it. [Sticks out her tongue and gives the marble a long, slow, slobbering lick.]
--The Metropolitan Museum of Art
Overheard by: Brendan
You Can Tell By the Size of His Nuts.
Nyu girl: Oh, look at that squirrel! It's all black!
Nyu boy: It's a squigger.
--Washington Square Park
Overheard by: Squacist
Headline by: Tim
Runners-Up:
· "400 Years Of Oppression Pending" - Mistress Squidia
· "Actually, I Think Those Are Called "Rats"" - Jen
· "And I Fount It Weird It Was Carrying a Water Melon and Chicken Nuggets." - Waleed
· "And It Is Still Waiting For 40 Acres and a Mule!" - gab pezo
· "This Used to Be a Decent, Gray-Squirrel Neighborhood." - KJM
· "You Can Tell From the Tiny, Tiny Bling." - Mollena's Blog" target="_blank">Mollena Williams
Click here to see the new Headline Contest
We Didn't Come to New York to Eat American Food
British girl #1: I'm hungry.
British girl #2: You know, we should eat at McDonald's.
British girl #1: Are you for serious?
British girl #2: No, it was just jokesies.
British girl #1: Well, it was not funny, Angeline!
--Times Square
Google "Pussy" If You Doubt Me
Loud black girl #1: If you got the same father but different mothers you half siblings. If you got the same mother but different fathers you whole siblings!
Loud black girl #2: No it ain't! You're wrong.
Loud black girl #1, to older black man standing in front of them: Excuse me, sir. You look older and wiser than us. Which one of us is right?
Older black man: If you got the same mamma y'all sistas.
Loud black girl #2: That's not right.
Loud black girl #1: You just wait till we get out this train and have service and we will both text message Google and see who's right. Same mamma makes you whole siblings!
Loud black girl #2: Fine, but you wrong.
Loud black girl #1: Yes you are, cause you all come out the same pussy! It's the pussy that matters!
--6 Train
Overheard by: Alie
What Happens When You Only Know One Adjective
Woman: This is a nice building.
Man: Andy Warhol was shot on the sixth floor.
Woman: Nice!
--33 Union Square West
Her Bedtime Reading Is Real Estate for Rugrats
Four-year-old girl, riding waspy dad's shoulders: Daddy, are housing prices going to go down any time soon?
Dad: I sure as hell hope so.
--187th & Broadway
Overheard by: trump-i-poo
Aw Well, Let's Head on Back to Columbia
Bimbette #1, looking at the library: Oh wow! It's so pretty!
Bimbette #2: God, I wish we were smart enough to go here!
--Outside NYU Library
Overheard by: Kathryn
Last Time I Did That, I Made a Mess of the Stockroom
Employee #1: It's just that the customers get really pissed off when we do that.
Employee #2: Fuck the customers!
Employee #1: Oh. Yeah.
--Outside Store, 125th Street, Harlem
Overheard by: Maggie
She's the Texas of Middle-Schoolers
Michelle: Hey, I wanted to go first, what the hell! You always cut me!
Asian friend, playfully sarcastic: Haha, hey, relax there, tiger. Ohhh yeah, everything is all about Michelle! Did you hear that sir, it's all about Michelle? Don't mess with her!
Michelle: Haha, shut up!
[Thirty seconds later.]
Bus driver, on intercom: Just so everyone is aware, it's all about Michelle. Don't mess with that one.
--Port Authority Bus Terminal
For the Last Time, I'd Just Had a Vanilla Milkshake
Chick: No, seriously, man, I think your cat has rabies...
Guy, offended: And I thought you had rabies when I come home and find you hiding in my curtain yesterday, but I didn't say anything then, did I?
--Greenwich Village
And Then He Gave Us Candy
Kid #1, bouncing basketball on the sidewalk: Jesus was like: "Go back to earth and suffer... Or your ass is going to hell."
Kid #2: Yeah...
--Bushwick Ave & Meserole St, East Williamsburg
Guess Who Failed All Four Parts of the CPA Exam
Drunk nerd #1, extremely loud: Accountancy! Woo!
Drunk nerd #2: Yeahhhh!
Drunk nerd #1: Revenues and expenditures!
Drunk nerd #2: Awright!
Drunk nerd #1: Balance sheets and shit!
Drunk nerd #2: Huh?
--L Train
But If You Write It All Down, You're a Novelist
Mom: Are you talking to yourself?
Five-year-old: Yes.
Mom: As long as you don't answer yourself.
Five-year-old: Why?
Mom: Because then you're crazy.
--N Train
Overheard by: Hannah
Where Was Your God When You Wet the Bed at That Sleepover Party?
Eight-year-old Italian boy: My god... My god isn't Allah, right?
Teenage sister: You don't have a god.
Eight-year-old Italian boy, screaming: Yes I do!
--30th Ave & Crescent St, Astoria
Overheard by: Regardless, he surely has a beard
Did You Bring Your Camera?
Annoying hipster: Hey man, you still have that hook up for blow?
Guy #1: No man, he went under, I have a new connection now. Just go to the second bodega at the corner and ask the guy for a fairy dust pizza.
Annoying hipster: Really, alright man, thanks.
Guy #2, after hipster leaves: That's not true, is it?
Guy #1: Of course not.
--Meserole St
Only the Ones Whoring Themselves Out to Disney
Man #1: Yeah... So I took my daughter to see that movie, Enchanted.
Man #2: Sounds good... Wait! Isn't that about a prostitute?!
--333 Lafayette St
Overheard by: OverHearer369
Ooo, What About Ice Princess?
Teen #1: What do you think is like the best sports movie ever?
Teen #2: I think The Green Mile.
Teen #3: That ain't no sports movie, man!
Teen #2: He was runnin'!
Teen #1: I like Rudy.
Teen #2: Naw man, Rudy was a fuckin' benchwarmer.
Teen #3: Naw, Rudy is all about how the little guy can persevere.
Teen #1: I cried at Rudy.
Teen #3, touching his heart: Yeah, man, Rudy hurts.
--A Train
Overheard by: Brenda
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